When the heart-wrenching moment arrives to say goodbye to our furry friends, the heavy shroud of grief can feel isolating. It's a journey I've walked myself, and one that Beth Bigler, a compassionate pet loss and grief counselor, has dedicated her life to easing for others. Together, we navigate the tender, often unspoken realms of pet loss, providing a sanctuary for those grappling with the aching void left behind.
Beth, with her intimate understanding of the pet-human bond, guides us through the poignant process of anticipatory grief and the realization that our time with our cherished companions is finite. We share strategies for cherishing the final days—from the therapeutic "fuck it plan" where pets indulge in their favorite activities, to the importance of self-compassion for pet owners. It's a conversation infused with empathy, as we honor the joy pets bring to our lives and offer solace for the inevitable heartache that accompanies their departure.
As we traverse the stages of grief and wrestle with emotions like anger and guilt, the importance of community and professional support becomes clear. We address the complex interplay of feelings and the need for self-care, offering practical advice for those navigating the tumultuous seas of loss. This episode isn't just an exploration of sorrow; it's a heartfelt embrace, a recognition of the depth of love we share with our pets, and a guide to finding peace in the wake of their absence. Join us as we reflect on the enduring impact our pets leave on our hearts, long after they've taken their last breaths.
When the heart-wrenching moment arrives to say goodbye to our furry friends, the heavy shroud of grief can feel isolating. It's a journey I've walked myself, and one that Beth Bigler, a compassionate pet loss and grief counselor, has dedicated her life to easing for others. Together, we navigate the tender, often unspoken realms of pet loss, providing a sanctuary for those grappling with the aching void left behind.
Beth, with her intimate understanding of the pet-human bond, guides us through the poignant process of anticipatory grief and the realization that our time with our cherished companions is finite. We share strategies for cherishing the final days—from the therapeutic "fuck it plan" where pets indulge in their favorite activities, to the importance of self-compassion for pet owners. It's a conversation infused with empathy, as we honor the joy pets bring to our lives and offer solace for the inevitable heartache that accompanies their departure.
As we traverse the stages of grief and wrestle with emotions like anger and guilt, the importance of community and professional support becomes clear. We address the complex interplay of feelings and the need for self-care, offering practical advice for those navigating the tumultuous seas of loss. This episode isn't just an exploration of sorrow; it's a heartfelt embrace, a recognition of the depth of love we share with our pets, and a guide to finding peace in the wake of their absence. Join us as we reflect on the enduring impact our pets leave on our hearts, long after they've taken their last breaths.
Kristiina (00:00)
Here we go.
Beth Biglr (00:00)
Time to get griefy. Gotta get the grief
Kristiina (00:02)
Welcome to another episode of Hiss and Tell Cat Behavior and More podcast. I am your host Kristiina and with me today is Beth Bigler, pet loss and grief counselor. You probably know her already from her Instagram honoring our animals. Welcome Beth.
Beth Biglr (00:17)
Hey, hey, so happy to be here. Thanks for having me.
Kristiina (00:20)
Thanks for being here. So we're almost going to say thanks for having me and that wouldn't make any sense. Um, I'm already doing great. Um, so can you tell us a little bit about your background or education, how you got started being a pet loss and grief counselor?
Beth Biglr (00:38)
Well, sure. Not every little kid wakes up in the morning is like, I want to be a pet loss grief counselor with my life. So kind of a different thing. I actually had a great long career as a writer and producer in Hollywood TV and film. I worked a lot in the entertainment industry and I've always been very passionate about that work. And it was the diagnosis of my soulmate, Kat Arnie. I got a diagnosis of a cancer when he was 11 and a 30 day prognosis.
Kristiina (00:42)
Yes. Right.
Oof.
Beth Biglr (01:08)
And I just thought my whole world was going to end. I didn't want to live in a world without Arnie. I didn't want to experience life without Arnie. And I certainly didn't want to help him die. So I was totally devastated. But I figured there's got to be help for this because I knew the least I could do would be to show up for him however I could. I found an amazing pet loss grief counselor who took me on as an anticipatory client, which absolutely changed my life.
Kristiina (01:18)
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (01:34)
I learned so much doing this anticipatory grief work. I learned a lot about my relationship with Arnie. I learned about what I was experiencing. I learned how to manage those things I was experiencing and also learned a lot about how I could give him a good death when that time came. And simultaneously, we were doing kind of a chemo experiment with Arnie to just see if it could support him. It was a very low key kind of chemo and we're just gonna see if it worked and we got a remission. It was a miracle.
Kristiina (01:56)
Mm -hmm.
That's amazing!
Beth Biglr (02:00)
It was amazing. And so obviously we were thrilled and keeping an eye on that. But, you know, I kept going to see my grief counselor because I was still like anxious and nervous and will it come back and is it really over and all those things. And about three or four months after his remission, I was in the oncologist's office for a regular checkup for him, which was also an ER. And there was a woman sitting next to me who didn't have an animal with her. And a dog across the way from us had a seizure. The vet techs came to get the dog. It was very kind of scary scene.
Kristiina (02:07)
Sure.
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (02:30)
and this woman next to me just burst out crying. And I kind of looked over at her and I looked at Arnie and I was like, what do I do? And I just got up and got up and I went over to her and I took her hand and once she had kind of calmed down, I said, well, you know, what's going on with you today? And she told me that her three -year -old cat had ingested some lily water, lily pump, and they were gonna have to euthanize the cat. And of course she felt so guilty.
Kristiina (02:49)
Oh no.
Ugh.
Beth Biglr (02:55)
She didn't know about Lily's and she was just stricken and alone. And something came over me in that moment and I took a lot of the things I had learned already in my own grief counseling work and I just tried to show up for her, be there for her. My husband ended up coming to get Arnie and took him to his appointment. I stayed with her. I attended the euthanasia. I stayed with her afterward, talked to her for a long time, made sure she got home okay. And it was in that moment where I was like, oh, this is it.
Kristiina (03:16)
Mmm.
Beth Biglr (03:23)
Like this is what I want to do, you know, with my life. But logistically at the time, didn't seem to make sense because I had a whole career going on and a whole life happening. And I just thought, oh, maybe when I retire, I just kind of didn't think about it. And then unfortunately, just after Arnie's one year of remission, sort of celebration, full bloods, ultrasound, everything clean and clear, just about a week or so later, he fell sick and as it turns out, had a totally different cancer.
Kristiina (03:23)
Right.
Yeah.
Ugh.
Beth Biglr (03:51)
that came in overtook his whole body and he died four days after I took him to the vet for the initial assessment. Thank you. It was a total shock, a total blindside. And when that happened, especially because Arnie had been there the first time I had helped someone, I just thought this is what I need to do now. I've got to, you know, I've got to deal with my own grief and I've got to support myself through that. And then Arnie and I were going to go help people and we're going to do this and we're going to change my whole life.
Kristiina (03:55)
Oh my god. I'm so sorry.
Beth Biglr (04:21)
And that's exactly what happened. So I began my education and training and trained in grief counseling, mentored under my grief counselor and others. I became an end of life animal companion, death doula. I became a pet chaplain and opened my practice. And here I am many years later. And this is all I do full time is I work with people before, during, and after the loss of their beloveds.
I work one -on -one, I work in small group settings, and I have my Instagram, of course, which is hopefully providing a lot of education and inspiration for animal grievers all over the world. So that's how I got here.
Kristiina (04:54)
That's amazing. And I do think it's something that is so needed and not something that that many people know about. I didn't know about it until I went through a sort of similar thing with Steve, who was my soulmate, until I dealt with his cancer and loss. But it wasn't until he had passed that I started looking for someone to help me in this immense, immense loss where, honestly, I did not want to live anymore. I was done.
Beth Biglr (05:01)
Mm -mm.
No. Yeah.
Kristiina (05:23)
Um, and, and so that leads me kind of into what I want to talk about first, which is anticipatory grief. And I know you and I had touched on a little bit when we just talked on our own about, um, getting help as you did for anticipatory grief. And I think had I known that was a thing, or even just kind of even had like the spoons to think about caring for myself in that time where, you know, he had a feeding tube and we were doing all the Medicaid and just, just all the stuff where.
Your best friend is still with you, but you know soon they're not going to be. And it's so weird. Um, can you talk a little bit about how can a grief counselor help with anticipatory loss and like how we can manage ourselves caregiving for ourselves while we're also caregiving for a beloved pet?
Beth Biglr (06:10)
Totally. I so appreciate you talking about this because it is something a lot of people don't know about. And I wish every veterinarian who was giving a diagnosis or had an animal of a certain age or challenge or a young animal with a diagnosis, tell the guardian there is support for this because this is just one of the hardest things to go through. And I think the more we talk about it, normalize it and let people know there are resources and naming it, naming that this is a thing is so powerful. So yeah.
Kristiina (06:23)
Mm -hmm.
Yes.
Beth Biglr (06:36)
Listen, anticipatory grief is so hard. It is that feeling of, I don't want to live without them. I don't know how life will go on. I'm never going to feel happy again. I want to fight for my animals quality of life. I want to do everything I can. I also sometimes want it to be over. I want some relief. Why can't they just die in their sleep? Everything they've taught me is going to disappear. And if you're facing a euthanasia decision, you know, I feel like I'm signing a death warrant. I mean, all these things.
the load of anticipatory grief, you're making medical decisions, logistical decisions, financial impact, emotional turmoil, spiritual questioning and social. You know, a lot of us, when we are caregiving for our beloveds, our lives completely change. We have to be around more. We might have to be doing meds. So there's just so much impact. And the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty, the anger, the powerlessness, the looming dread.
Kristiina (07:17)
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (07:27)
And watching our beloved's become sort of a shadow of themselves sometimes is so hard. And that's kind of actually a different type of loss called ambiguous loss or ambiguous grief, where, you know, maybe our beloved who used to be able to do a lot of things they like to do, can't do them anymore. And then, of course, this ultimate question, when, when will it happen? And it's so much, it is so much to take in. So for those of you who haven't experienced anticipatory grief, that's kind of what we're talking about here when, when we're dealing with it. So...
Kristiina (07:34)
Right.
Beth Biglr (07:54)
The way that someone like me can help with that is to, I think of it like a braid. I think of it like three kind of components, right? One component of this is really centering your animal, right? Centering your cat in this moment where this is about Arnie's end of life experience, right? This is about his completion of life. So what can we do to make sure he is the focus and we are making decisions for him that are good for him? And while we're doing that,
Kristiina (08:02)
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (08:22)
How can we help strengthen the bond between the two of you and helping you feel more in tune, more connected, you know, bolstering the experience between the two of you? Because what I like to say about anticipatory grief is this, we know it's coming and you get this opportunity to step up, which is where we sort of step out of that tragedy narrative and we step into this idea that I can be here for this tender, important moment. And
Kristiina (08:44)
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (08:51)
really putting the focus on your animal and the focus on creating normalcy for them and a sense of like, hey, everything's all right, you know, that's really powerful. So that's kind of one piece of the work that I help people do and help them in practical ways on how to do that. And also, how do we make logistical decisions? How do we make practical decisions? Are we thinking about, you know, if there is going to be a euthanasia, where do we want to do that? How do we want to do it? What do we want it to look like? Are there going to be rituals?
Kristiina (08:55)
Mm -hmm.
Right.
Beth Biglr (09:18)
Sometimes there's navigating medical complexity, right? Like how do we make certain medical decisions? And of course, I'm not a veterinarian. I can't make those decisions for people, but I can help talk it through and give them feedback about what I'm hearing. Same thing with the euthanasia decision. If we are going there, it's like that can be such a hard thing to figure out and when and is it okay? And just being able to have a sounding board for that is so supportive. So there's kind of that like practical, logistical kind of piece.
Kristiina (09:21)
Mm -hmm.
Right.
Right.
Beth Biglr (09:46)
And then of course, the third piece of that braid is taking care of you and all the big emotions and giving a safe space to express those emotions and ideas and techniques for emotional regulation and being kind to ourselves and how to release feelings when we can't just be having breakdowns in front of our animal all the time and that kind of thing. And so it's really a lot of the work just has to do with kind of those three things intertwining. And some weeks the logistical piece is really...
Kristiina (10:04)
Right.
Beth Biglr (10:14)
the pressing thing and then some weeks the self -care piece is the pressing thing and so we're always just kind of doing this dance of those three things most of the time in anticipatory grief with the goal of every person I work with and their beloved feeling like their animal had a great death. That's the mission.
Kristiina (10:31)
Do you work ever in tandem with hospice veterinarians or hospice care? do you ever work with them as a triangulated care team? Yeah.
Beth Biglr (10:42)
Yeah, I certainly have met a lot of them. I've met a lot of them through my clients. Sometimes clients connect us if that is supportive in some way. So absolutely. I also have worked with a lot of them as clients themselves. I work with a lot of animal care providers across the board who are doing this work while also experiencing their own losses, which is another layer for some people. So I know a lot of those people and I'm so grateful that we are in a place where we have a lot of home hospice options for veterinary care, even before euthanasia.
Kristiina (11:01)
Right.
Yes. Right.
Beth Biglr (11:11)
It's such a gift for so many people, especially with cats, you know, doing fluids, things like that. It's just amazing. So I'm very grateful we have that as an option now, especially for anticipatory grievers who have, you know, five years ago when this wasn't as popular, there wasn't as much support for that.
Kristiina (11:15)
Mm -hmm.
It's true. And I just want to say we're going to in this ongoing series about pet loss and grief, on an upcoming episode, I am going to be speaking with someone from lap of love who is in charge of all the hospice care and just talking about hospice care for for your animals, because I think that is such a big piece of the puzzle. And then I think.
Beth Biglr (11:44)
Yes.
Kristiina (11:50)
I think part of anticipatory grief, at least from my perspective, the grief part was so heavy, but those three months that we had with Steve where we knew he was sick and then from the time that we lost him, it was so heavy and it was so fraught, but it was also some of the most beautiful times that I had with him because we did, we canceled all our trips. We were home with him.
all the time. We had what we called the fuck it plan and we just let him do whatever he wanted to do. You know, if he wanted to run around in the forest, we didn't have to worry about ticks anymore. Like we could do whatever. And we just spent so much time outside loving life and his, he was so joyous up until his last day that it really, it was horrible, but it was also very beautiful in many, many ways. And I wish that.
everyone going through this process could find a way to find some beauty in the loss also.
Beth Biglr (12:46)
Totally, totally. And a lot of the things you mentioned there are the kinds of things that can feel so empowering. I mean, one of the things about anticipatory grief is you just feel this total lack of control and powerlessness, right? Because the thing that's happening to your cat is beyond what you can control, you know? So I am a big fan of like taking agency where we can, finding things we can control. And some of that is like, okay, what are we going to do to make this a great end of life experience? I love...
Kristiina (12:56)
Right.
Beth Biglr (13:11)
if your beloved is up for it. I love having gatherings, bringing your community together, celebrations. Some of my clients do cat -seneras, right? And celebrating this amazing creature in our community and doing a going away party, right? That can be so supportive. I encourage a lot of people to have end of life photo sessions or video shoots, right? To get those professional photos taken.
Kristiina (13:14)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (13:37)
And we've all seen the narrative on social media about bucket lists and kind of the bucket list idea. And I think we got to be mindful, not every animal's up for bucket list activities. But doing anything like a bucket list or go run in the field and don't worry about the ticks, right? That's like a bucket list item. That is all part of centering your cat's experience and also creating those memories for you so that you can look back and say, yeah, I really stepped up there and I made it as great as I could. And you've heard me say this probably.
Kristiina (13:40)
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (14:07)
These are great days. These are good days. These are good days because Steve's here in these days. You know, Arnie's here and right here right now we're still here together. And what a gift that is.
Kristiina (14:12)
Yeah.
I know a lot of people who follow Steve and I'm sure who follow you are in the process of anticipatory grief. They're in the process of dealing with a terminal diagnosis for their pet. And one of the things that I found the most difficult was this idea of looking at him and he appeared healthy. He appeared fine for most of that time, looking at him
but having this horrible knowledge of like very soon my best friend is going to be gone. do you have a recommendation for people of how to process this kind of like terrible duality of, of looking at their best friend, but knowing that very soon that that person is going to be gone? is that just something our human brains are too stupid to be able to like really process?
Beth Biglr (14:57)
I mean, it's asking a lot to really wrap our brains around it. I mean, it is sort of unthinkable in one way, right? And so we also want to give ourselves just a lot of compassion about how hard it is. And to add to it, there's also things going on sometimes of like where you're losing your temper, you're feeling angry, you're feeling exasperated, right? And that may come out. And so, I think one thing, a big thing for guardians is to...
Kristiina (14:59)
Yeah. Yeah.
Beth Biglr (15:21)
really welcome a self -compassion practice in and start just getting a whole lot nicer to yourself about how you're handling it. You know, you are not going to be, quote, perfect in this moment, and that's okay. You are human and you are doing the best you can in a hard situation. So one big thing is to just start being kinder to yourself about the whole situation and to release judgment. When you hear yourself saying things like, well, I should be doing this or why am I not doing this better?
That's a place where we, a lot of us get stuck in the anticipatory grief and really, really trying to release that and welcome self -compassion is huge. We also must do things to take care of ourselves and taking care of ourselves includes things like really checking in with how we feel and what do we want and what do we need and what would feel supportive to me in this moment. I love working in like a meditation practice or finding times for actual rest in this because our brain needs breaks, our body needs breaks, right? And feeling...
Kristiina (15:50)
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (16:16)
that we can move through this while also not losing our minds, right? Because a lot of us get that feeling when we're just in that duality all the time. So really focusing on things you can do to help take care of yourself and asking for support from others, asking the people around you to do things to help support you if you can figure out what those are. Even if it's just someone, you know, you say to a friend, you know, this is such a hard time. Do you mind just sending me a check in text every day and just ask me how the day is going? Right. And at the same time,
Kristiina (16:25)
Mm -hmm.
Right.
Beth Biglr (16:46)
When you're with your beloved, doing your best to say, how can I deepen our relationship? How can we go further? And a lot of that's about dialogue. I love when we're talking to our animals, talk to our cats about what's happening, talk to them about what they're experiencing, what you're experiencing, talking about what you're thinking about. It'll be like afterward. You know, my view is, and a lot of you may know this, a lot of people know this and follow me, is that yes, our relationship on the Earth side part, right, that will be different.
Kristiina (17:13)
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (17:14)
because our animal is no longer going to be Earth side. But our connection and our relationship will continue. And these relationships with our beloveds are relationships we can continue to give and to receive from. These relationships can evolve and expand. And I say all the time, you know, my relationship with Arnie today is closer and more connected than it was even on the day he died. So that is possible. And so when you are spending time with your beloved Earth side, you can remind yourself and remind them, hey,
We're going to keep doing this thing. It's just going to look a little different and we'll figure out how to adjust to that as we go.
Kristiina (17:49)
Okay. So moving through the anticipatory piece, what are some common signs of grief in pet owners after they lose a beloved pet? Just to kind of normalize, I think for people.
the signs of grief that they may be feeling because I think pet loss grief is so often disenfranchised that people don't feel like it's okay to have these feelings or they feel like they might be acting weird or they feel like they should get over it. So what are some common signs that you hear from people? Sure.
Beth Biglr (18:24)
So many things. Well, of course, I mean, of course, in the very beginning, it's shocking. You can't hardly believe it and you might have trouble kind of believing it for a long time. People feel very disorganized. They feel confused. They have grief brain or brain fog. There are physical symptoms. There's a lot of feelings of yearning and longing. Of course, guilt and regret and shame is one of the number one emotions many guardians feel. Sadness and depression. A lot of people feel relief or release, which is another one that can feel complex.
Kristiina (18:30)
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (18:53)
And people think a lot about the last day, how the last day went, what that goodbye was like, how hard that was. A lot of people have a lot of looping and recurrent thoughts happening all the time, which is another kind of grief symptom that can be really challenging. Because for so many people, their relationship with their beloved is the most intimate and loving in their life. I mean, when we think about the physicality in our relationships and their proximity, the understanding, the loyalty, it's completely unmatched, right?
Kristiina (19:15)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (19:22)
So when we have this type of grief, you know, many people I work with report that it's even more distressing than human losses they've been through. And of course that makes sense because our cats are involved in all of our daily routines. And a lot of people then feel guilt about that, right? Because they're feeling guilty that they're more upset about this kind of loss than, you know, a human. But we really want to validate for ourselves. I mean, who else is more entwined in our daily joy, sorrow?
Kristiina (19:32)
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (19:52)
laughter. And by the way, like when was the last time your cat ever lied to you or made you feel bad about yourself or held some unrealistic high standard? Right. So all these gifts and all these beautiful lessons and all this support to feel like that is now out of our lives forever is completely overwhelming and crushing for everyone I'm working with anyway.
Kristiina (20:01)
Yeah.
Sure. And I feel like I could be totally wrong. I'll have to look this up But I feel like there have even been recent studies talking about the yeah. OK, so, you know, do you want to talk a little bit about this? The studies that I am trying to.
Beth Biglr (20:20)
Yes. Yeah.
Well, there have been studies for a long time, I mean, about the importance of human -animal bond and what the human -animal bond actually is. And there's a lot of interesting research about that. And of course, that validates completely everything about why you would have grief, right? And then there have been a number of, not a lot of studies, but there have been a few about the grief and how impactful it is. And one of the things that comes up in those studies a lot, which is a thing that a lot of my clients relate to too, is a real sense of destabilization of identity.
Kristiina (20:28)
Right.
Yes.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
But a few about the grief piece is what I was getting to, yeah.
Yes.
Beth Biglr (20:56)
because for many people, their role as being the guardian of this beloved is central to their lives, to who they are. Everything about their lives revolves around the identity of being in this role. And when our beloved's transitioned, we all all of a sudden feel like, what's my mission? What's my purpose? And who even cares? And that's one thing that's come up in those studies that I hear a lot every day.
Kristiina (21:03)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I was trying to get to. And so that brings me to like 800 more questions. But I guess the first one would be like, how can people in grief differentiate between this sort of this.
Beth Biglr (21:25)
good.
Kristiina (21:36)
I don't want to say normal because nothing's normal, but between grieving and then signs where they might need extra support after losing a pet, or they might need to really talk to somebody about additional assistance, whether they're having ideation, which was the sign that I needed to get additional help because I didn't want to live anymore if Steve wasn't here. Are there signs where you would say to people,
We really need to get you additional help.
Beth Biglr (22:07)
I think anybody who has a close bond with their beloved would benefit from professional support, right? I mean, obviously, if anybody is having feelings of, I don't want to go on or any kind of suicidal ideation, that's not getting to a grief counselor, that's getting to 911, that's going to the emergency room, that is you need immediate support because anything like that, we don't want to wait around to find a provider, right? So to be clear, just if you mention ideation, right, like...
Kristiina (22:15)
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (22:34)
that is an emergency and we want to get that person to immediate support right away. Beyond that though, I mean, if you are anyone who is experiencing this grief and you're thinking, I am having a really tough time, regardless of what those symptoms look like or regardless of what other people are saying or regardless of if you think you shouldn't be, I think it's a great idea to reach out for some level of support. Grief is not meant to be done alone. I think that was in my newsletter this week. I wrote a thing about, you know,
Kristiina (23:00)
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (23:01)
grieving is meant to be done in community in some way. And for so many people right now, we don't have a community around us. A lot of us are very siloed in our lives, in our work. And we certainly don't have people who understand about our relationships with our beloveds. So I believe everyone benefits from support around grief. What kind of support you want to choose to get is up to you. But I don't think that any griever who is even
Kristiina (23:11)
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (23:30)
questioning like should I get support? Am I a candidate? You are. If you're thinking that support might be good for you, reach out, you know, find someone, find a group, find a community because this is a really tough thing to go through alone. I will also say that some of the things that are so challenging for people like, you know, being able to think about their beloved, you know, with warmth and gratitude and connection instead of being overwhelmed with, you know, really big waves of sadness or having lots of guilt or regret.
Kristiina (23:34)
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (23:59)
or this identity piece, right? Or thinking a lot about the last date. That kind of stuff is very hard to work through alone. And so those are the kinds of things, like when people come to me, they're coming to me a lot of times being like, I just feel so guilty. I want support with my guilt. Or I really want to feel this continued connection, but I'm having trouble feeling connected because I'm so overwhelmed with the sorrow. Or, you know, if you're having trouble kind of getting through your day.
Kristiina (24:01)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (24:21)
And there are all kinds of valid reasons, by the way, why we have trouble getting through our day. Our brain is really discombobulated. A lot of this is, I'm really into the brain. A lot of this is like things happening in our brain. But, you know, anyone who feels like, oh man, I'm just having a really hard time, I say, let's find you some support, because why not, right? Why not receive support and help make the going a little easier?
Kristiina (24:25)
Sure.
to speak to support, do you have any, I don't want to say tools or tricks, like this is a Buzzfeed article, but do you have any way for people to kind of navigate conversations with friends or family who may not understand the depth of loss or grief over a pet? I think that's something that we certainly experienced, not with our families, but with some friends who are just like, oh, it's been a week, like, why aren't you over it yet? Like.
Beth Biglr (25:09)
Hmm.
Kristiina (25:10)
How do people address this when they try to reach out for help or they just try to talk to people and those people don't get it?
Beth Biglr (25:18)
Yeah, well, first of all, that's so painful. And if anyone's listening who's been invalidated or dismissed by any comment, like, you know, well, you knew they would die, you know, or, you know, you want to get another one or, you know, I think you're taking it too hard. Aren't you happy they're in heaven? If anyone has had any of this said to you or any comments that start with at least, which is one of the least, you know, at least they live that one, whatever. I'm just sorry for anyone that's experiencing that. And of course, a lot of us are going to experience that.
Kristiina (25:28)
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (25:47)
in our grief. You know, I mean, obviously, the first thing I like to say is get with people who get it, right? So come to my Instagram page, come to Honoring Our Animals, because every single day, twice a day, I'm posting content and we're having conversations in the comments and you're going to be around people who really get it. One of the things I did in my practice is that now everybody who works with me, whether they're working one -on -one or in small groups,
They get access to my entire private community only of people who are working with me because people need community. So you can get up at three in the morning if you're having a bad moment and you can write a post and you're gonna have six people validating you in the morning giving you that support. So really looking for people who do get it and stick with them, whether that's an online community, whether that's finding the friends of yours who get it. And you know what, sometimes this happens in unexpected places. My clients report all the time.
Kristiina (26:14)
Hmm.
Right.
Beth Biglr (26:33)
I had a colleague come up to me at work and we've never really had a conversation, but they heard about my cat and they started telling me about their loss and like, now we're going to coffee. I'm like, perfect, you know? So, you know, seeking people who do get it, right? And then when you're experiencing people in your inner circle who aren't validating you or kind of dismissing you, I always like to just do a litmus test a little bit. You know, number one is like, is this behavior from this person or this dismissiveness, is this consistent? Or is it new?
Kristiina (26:41)
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (27:03)
Because one of the things that happens is, you know, people say, oh, well, you know, my uncle just said this horrible thing. And I'm like, well, does your uncle always say horrible things? Well, yeah. You know, and then, of course, you weren't going to get it there in the first place. And it's just kind of a good check in to be like, you know, maybe maybe this isn't a person I should be sharing with, right? Because that may not feel supportive. If it's people that you think are are well -meaning, but they're just saying boneheaded things, you know, you get to make a decision. You get to make a decision. If you say, you know, this is just hitting some nerve with them. They're not able to support this. They have a limitation. You can kind of release it.
Kristiina (27:12)
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (27:33)
or you can choose to bring it up with them at some point, just like, hey, that didn't feel very supportive to me, or I'm really not ready to think about welcoming another cat at this time, but I'll let you know if that changes. So just trying to kind of consider the source when this is happening. And for a lot of us, it means taking some distance from people while we experience communities and other people who truly understand.
Kristiina (27:48)
Great.
That makes sense. And I feel like in this, in our culture, we're so distanced from death and dying that so many people are so uncomfortable with it that often people say crazy stuff just because they don't know. They're just almost like panicky when forced to confront, confront it. Like I heard crazy stuff from people who I know are not poorly intentioned people, but just freak out.
Right? And they just, they don't know what to say. And I think for all of us, sometimes when we don't know what to say, our brain just panics and is like, I don't know, send something out. And it just sends some really wild things out. And I really wish that we were more comfortable as a whole in our society, dealing with death and dying, that it was less of a business and more of something that we still encountered as a part of life.
Beth Biglr (28:34)
But yeah. Yep.
Kristiina (28:53)
Obviously I don't know why I'm going on this little tangent, but I do think that has a part part to why people are so weird about it and often so dismissive, especially of what they can call like what they can kind of write off as like a small loss or whatever, because they're so uncomfortable. They're just like, well anyway.
Beth Biglr (28:57)
important.
thousand percent.
Well, yeah, like we're in a death -illiterate, grief -illiterate culture, right? Nobody knows anything about death, dying, or grief. And, you know, in my family growing up, like someone died, we had a funeral, everyone cried for a day, we buried them, we never talked about them or it again, right? And a lot of people grew up like that. And so we don't know what to do or say. And a lot of people, if they love you and they're seeing you in pain and suffering, they want to fix it, right? So sometimes they're going ahead of things, so they just want to say something they think is going to make it better, put a bandaid on it.
Kristiina (29:16)
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Beth Biglr (29:41)
And of course that's not supportive, but it's this like instinct we have like, I can't hold it. I can't sit with the pain. I can't sit with the crying. You know, and like, you know, I teach a lot of, unfortunately, grievers sometimes have to take it upon themselves to say, hey, you know, it's okay if you say Arnie's name. I want to hear his name. I want to hear stories about him. So you don't have to like not bring him up.
Kristiina (30:00)
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (30:04)
And sometimes, although I wish Grievers didn't have to do that work, but because of the situation, sometimes we got to do that work and we got to open that door and make an invitation. Or we bring it up and show that, hey, even if I'm getting teary, it feels good to talk about it. And so sometimes we kind of have to set the tone. And often that does make a big difference in a family dynamic.
Kristiina (30:25)
That makes sense. That makes sense. I wanted to ask also like, why is anger such a common emotion that comes up with grieving? Right? I've and I'm just going to make this all about me because this is just my, my experience was, was recent. Right? So, but I, this was also a question that I got from a lot of Steve's followers who have been writing with me that they're, you know, were writing to me that they're going through similar circumstances, that anger comes up. So,
much in the grieving process and it wasn't for me so much in the like first few months but after the first couple months after that like initial like really crazy shock wore off i was angry at everything like everything all the time just kind of like a blind rage like what what is that
Beth Biglr (31:16)
You wanna tell me a little bit more about your anger? I'll tell you, I'll tell you what it is, but why don't you tell us more? Tell me, like, what were you angry? I'm angry because, go. I'm angry because.
Kristiina (31:17)
Yeah.
I don't, I, it was just, it was like a frustration. I mean, I, I know because, you know, I have a psych degree. So like, I know the genesis of it, right? It's, I'm angry because I have a huge deep loss and I'm angry because there's emotions I can't quite pinpoint. And it's frustration loss. It's frustration anger because I feel things and I don't know what label to put on them. And I'm angry because people are here and he's not here. And like all of, all of these things, but.
Beth Biglr (31:52)
Yeah. Yeah.
Kristiina (31:53)
What's your take on the anger? I can only say that for me. I can't say that for other people who say they're going through anger and what is their anger about?
Beth Biglr (31:57)
Yeah.
Well, listen, I don't think I've worked with a client who isn't angry. And why wouldn't we be? Our best friend is no longer on the earth. That sucks. And so of course we're angry, right? And I want to validate that it's okay to be angry. And we are allowed to be angry. See, one thing about anger is a lot of us didn't grow up in environments where it was cool to be angry.
Kristiina (32:05)
Yeah.
Yeah, no, absolutely not.
Beth Biglr (32:29)
Right? See, yeah, see? And anger was this thing that we may have seen some bad modeling around anger. Anger may have made us very afraid. We have, we have, a lot of us, we're not allowed to be angry.
Kristiina (32:38)
Mm -hmm.
No, I think especially as women, it's like very much a no -no. Yeah.
Beth Biglr (32:46)
especially as women. So one of the anger pieces is that when it comes up for us in any major event, including grief, we're bringing a whole bunch of other stuff to the table just about anger in general and like what anger was like for us growing up and what we believe about anger and what we were taught about anger. So you understand like automatically we're bringing a whole bunch of other stuff to the table. And that's one thing I just like to acknowledge whenever I'm working with anger about people, because when I work with anger with people and it's a lot, you know, one of the things we get into is a little bit like, okay, well, tell me about anger.
Kristiina (32:59)
Mm -hmm.
Right.
Beth Biglr (33:16)
What do you know about anger? What were you taught about anger? What's your relationship to anger now, right? And that's very revealing to kind of just understand your baseline relationship with anger. Also, you've probably heard this psych major, you know, anger is thought of often as a cover emotion. And oftentimes what anger is sometimes covering for is unmet needs, unmet expectations and hurt.
Kristiina (33:31)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (33:42)
and grievers experience all three of those things. And sometimes for some people, it's easier to be in the anger place and to lash out in the anger space than to sit with that hurt.
Kristiina (33:53)
Sure, well it's defensive versus vulnerable. Yeah.
Beth Biglr (33:56)
That's right. That's right. And of course, a lot of anger questions, in my view, have to do with some spiritual questions, right? And I'm not saying this is a religious thing. This is just like, why? Why did this happen? Why did the universe take my beloved? Right? And a lot of that, you know, who are we asking that to? Right? But a lot of anger comes up, like, at the world. Like, how could this happen? And surely there must be something or someone to blame.
Kristiina (34:17)
Hmm.
Beth Biglr (34:23)
And a lot of times when we're grieving, we are looking for blame. Blame is a little easier for us to deal with than accepting that sometimes the people and the animals we love get sick and die. Right? And of course, our favorite person to blame is ourself. So that anger and that blame just festers and then turns inward on us. Anger and then we get to guilt, right? And anger, listen, I validate anger.
Kristiina (34:41)
into guilt. Yeah.
Beth Biglr (34:48)
Anger is allowed to be there, it's okay to be angry, and anger also really loves to be expressed. So I want people to express their anger. I want people to be able to write about their anger and physically release their anger. Anger loves to be expressed physically.
to.
Kristiina (35:02)
Right.
Beth Biglr (35:03)
Like it is an emotion that we don't want to keep contained. So I really encourage expressing anger in ways that isn't going to harm yourself or others.
Kristiina (35:12)
makes sense. since it was kind of a natural progression, moving from the anger into the guilt piece, which is something that I hear from people all the time. How do people handle the guilt that I feel like just very naturally comes up as they move through, through the, I don't want to say the stages of grief, because I think at this point, hopefully most people know that that's not real. And that was based, on research about individuals who were going through.
dying and death But I do think that guilt is a very natural part of the grieving process. And so can you talk to us a little bit about feelings of guilt and regret surrounding their animals passing?
Beth Biglr (35:52)
Totally, totally. I don't think I've ever worked with someone who doesn't have some sort of guilt or regret about what's happened. Even if that's like early life kind of stuff, like I feel guilty. You know, I went out and went to too many parties and I wasn't home enough or, you know, end of life stuff or even in the grief, you know, and I feel guilty because I went out and had a good laugh and I didn't cry for three hours. Now I feel guilty about that. Right. So I've never encountered someone with this kind of grief who doesn't have guilt or regret somewhere. And I spend a lot of time.
Kristiina (36:04)
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (36:21)
in my work with people, helping them sort of dial down their guilt. You know, I don't believe guilt is an emotion that needs to be totally eradicated. Guilt's not even a bad emotion to begin with, right? Guilt is often trying to show up to like teach us something or help us, you know, prepare for the future. But oftentimes, if people have sort of a louder critical voice inside and maybe have certain expectations for themselves based on how they...
Kristiina (36:31)
Right.
Beth Biglr (36:43)
came up in the world or they are naturally kind of perfectionistic, anything like that, that really gets entwined with the guilt and starts making a pretty nasty stew. And the thing about guilt, right, is like, sometimes we really do make a mistake. And I work with people all the time where they made a mistake. And sometimes those mistakes can have fatal consequences. And of course, if we do make a mistake, we feel bad about that. And we do feel guilty about that. So we want to look at that factually. We want to understand what happened in the situation.
and own that. So you're never going to hear me tell someone like, oh, you shouldn't feel guilty, right? Sometimes the guilt absolutely earned, right? However, a lot of guilt is a more kind of irrational guilt. It's guilt that we feel like we did something wrong, but we didn't actually do something wrong or we didn't actually cause harm or we think, you know, we did something that wasn't good for our cat. But if we really look at the facts about how our cat experienced the situation, they weren't affected at all.
Right. And sometimes we're projecting. Right. So one of the and then obviously the other one, the big one is like, I feel guilty because I couldn't control the situation and I feel guilty that, you know, something bad happened and I've got to find a way to make it my my fault. And I want to take the responsibility for it rather than just believing something bad could happen.
Kristiina (37:41)
Right.
Well, that was my question is how much of guilt is just sort of bargaining, like bargaining with the fact that death and dying are natural life processes and they're coming for everybody, but they're especially coming for our pets who unfortunately have much shorter lifespans than we do. So is guilt just sort of like a natural part of it just because we wanna fight against the fact that this happened?
Beth Biglr (38:16)
Totally.
100 % and for some people and given, you know, how they have experienced the life, their life up until now, they may have kind of been trained to take blame for things that weren't necessarily their fault, or it may have been easier in their household to take blame for things that, that, you know, were beyond their control. It's very scary for any of us to admit that there are certain outcomes that are beyond our control, no matter how much we love our cats, right?
Kristiina (38:34)
Right.
Beth Biglr (38:48)
So for some people, it feels safer to take that guilt and put it on themselves as opposed to kind of feel like we live in a chaotic universe. So when I work with people on guilt, and of course, that's it's deep hard work. But one of the things is really trying to look at things more objectively, trying to look at the facts of the situation, trying to look at, OK, we know what did happen here and and what did you do? Because very often we're really hyper fixated on what we didn't do in the situation and kind of shut out from our brain all the things we did do.
Kristiina (38:53)
Great.
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (39:18)
And we often forget the why we did a certain thing or why we didn't do, you know, like this comes up with treatments, right? Well, I didn't, I didn't try that treatment. And if I had just done that, everything would be different. But of course, if we look at the situation and the thinking behind why didn't we try that? Well, we thought that would have really bad side effects or we thought it would have a 1 % efficacy, you know. But our guilt brain doesn't bring all that in, right? So one of the things we can do is kind of take a step back, look at like the bigger holistic picture of the situation about the guilt claims.
Kristiina (39:34)
Right.
Beth Biglr (39:46)
And then, of course, bringing in a whole lot more self -compassion to the situation because that critical voice in us that is just kicking ourselves down the stairs saying, I'm a terrible cat guardian and I don't deserve to have another cat. That's all just a critical voice coming in to make us feel terrible. And it's adding to our suffering and really stepping up for ourselves and saying, you know what? I'm going through something really hard and I wish some of these things could have been different, but they're not my fault. And welcoming in this voice of
Kristiina (40:03)
Right.
Beth Biglr (40:16)
love and nurture and self -compassion. And you know, our beloveds would never talk to ourselves the way we talk to ourselves.
Kristiina (40:23)
That is so, so true. It's so true. I think it's also important to remember that as humans, we have such a crazy negativity bias, like such a strong negativity bias that's obviously been helpful for us evolutionarily, but is not helpful in a lot of ways in terms of psychology Now that we're not out running around and we don't have to remember what things.
Beth Biglr (40:27)
It's so true.
Kristiina (40:48)
were so negatively impactful. I feel like it just leads to so much rumination and obsessive thinking it's so important for people to, to realize that we have this strong negativity bias as human beings and that try to fight that as much as we can
Beth Biglr (41:03)
and add to it, take an activity bias and add to it hindsight bias, which is what we get with our animals, right? And then we're just in our critical voice. And now we're just in a cycle that's very hard to break out of without some help. And getting to the place of being able to say, I really did do the very best I could with the knowledge and resources I had. And that's a hard place to get to, but that's one leaping off point to really...
Kristiina (41:07)
Yes. Mm hmm.
Beth Biglr (41:29)
get with that as best you can for the situations where it's appropriate. And if you did do something wrong, if you did make a mistake, let's figure out, you know, okay, what can we take from that? What do we learn from that? How can we make an amends? If you need to make an amends to your cat about that. I'm a big fan of that. And how do we integrate this into our lives without making it a source of self -punishment and self -criticism and blame? Because I don't believe we are living the legacy of the
Kristiina (41:33)
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (41:57)
acceptance and nurturing and unwavering love and loyalty of our cats if we continue to talk to ourselves this way. And so one of the kindest things we can do both for ourselves but in our animal's legacies is to change this way that we are so mean to ourselves and how we add to our suffering. It's so cruel. And I know Arnie wouldn't want me talking to myself like that.
Kristiina (42:22)
Yeah, you're absolutely, you're absolutely right. That's such an important takeaway, I think for people. are there any kind of, again, tips or tricks that you have this one old trick, um, for, uh, getting people to kind of stop that cycle. If they're in a cycle of rumination, is there any way that people can kind of break that cycle?
Beth Biglr (42:41)
Yeah, I mean, look, like tips and tricks for that can be very effective. I can tell you a couple in a minute. Most of the time when I'm working with people and the rumination is happening intensively, it's usually around things that they're feeling guilt about or last day kind of stuff, right? Or end of life kind of stuff. And there are much, you know, so working on the guilt is actually a big way that we can stop rumination. And that is huge for my clients.
Kristiina (42:44)
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Yeah. Yep.
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (43:08)
And I do a lot of deeper, harder, heavier work about processing that last -day stuff, which ends up stopping that rumination, right? In terms of quick fixes, right, band -aids, certainly a couple of things. I mean, they're kind of grounding things, right? And I always like to think about a combination of both physical things, to just kind of physically change what's happening in your body, and some helpful things you can say. So the thing about all these interventions is different things work for different people. And so it's really interesting how not...
Kristiina (43:11)
Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (43:36)
Every single thing works for every single person. But, you know, if you get a thought come in and that you don't want to hear, a very effective thing for many people is to simply say, and you got to say it out loud, no, thank you. That does not feel supportive to me right now. No, thank you. That does not feel supportive to me right now. The reason we say it out loud is because when we say something out loud, it's very complex process, which is great because we have to think of what we're going to say and then we have to put it in our mouths and we have to like speak it and then we have to listen to it.
Kristiina (44:04)
Right.
Beth Biglr (44:05)
And when we're doing that, we're very present. We cannot be ruminating or future tripping, which are grief's two best friends. And our brain really has to stop and listen. And when we talk back to any thought out loud, we interrupt it. And the problem is sometimes when we get a thought coming in, we want to be like, no, get out of here, get away, right? And for some thoughts, that makes them more motivated because you're not seeing me, you're not hearing me. So sometimes really just being kind and saying, no, thank you. That does not feel supportive to me right now. That thought will go away.
Kristiina (44:25)
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (44:35)
Another one that feels like the opposite of that, which is why this is so funny, but different people respond differently, is when you get a thought coming in, like as an image or a sound, you know, from the end, you can say, okay, I see you, I hear you, I see that you, you want to tell me something right now. So come on in, stay awhile, and I'll wait until you're done. And I know that seems very counterintuitive for a thought that we want to go away, but very often when we invite that thought in and just let it have a minute, it will go.
Kristiina (44:40)
Sure.
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (45:05)
it will dissipate. So those are those are two tips like that. And then, of course, a lot of people are very familiar with five, four, three, two, one. It's a it's a anxiety, anti anxiety, anti panic attack sort of trick. Have you ever heard this one? OK, five, four, three, two, one. It's a classic. And literally saying out loud in the room, five things I can see, I can see my purple lamp. Yeah, four things I can I can touch. You know, I can touch my phone. I can touch my candle, right?
Kristiina (45:18)
No.
Oh yes, yes, yes.
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (45:31)
and three things I can hear and two things I can smell and one thing I can taste. And if you go through that out loud, your brain is going to go in a different direction from that thought. And hopefully you have a distraction. I also love physical interventions, things like splashing cold water on your face or melting an ice cube in your hand or putting a prickly brush on your hand and squeezing, giving your brain something else to think about there. Even going to get a teaspoon of spicy salsa, you know, reset some things in your brain, let your brain focus on something else. Those kind of grounding techniques, anything you can do to kind of ground back into the present.
right here, right now, right here, right now. I'm not in that room right here, right now. I am safe right here, right now. My beloved is safe, right? Bringing ourselves back to present very often that will stop those thoughts temporarily until you're able to do some deeper work on those.
Kristiina (46:17)
All right, that all, that's all very good advice. I wish I had had all of these tools.
Beth Biglr (46:23)
many people come to me and they say, what do I do? I don't know what to do. I'm like, well, of course you wouldn't know. And frankly, nobody talks much about tools for grieving and mourning. I mean, it's just not a conversation any of us are in. And in fact, a lot of the tools I use are very specific.
Kristiina (46:32)
Right.
Beth Biglr (46:37)
to pet loss and very applicable there, but when would anyone have ever heard of those? So, I mean, that's like on the Instagram. I, you know, I put out tips and tools and tips and tricks every single day. I'm trying to give people things to do and to try and to think about and to write about and to say and to experiment with because we need tools for this and we need a lot of tools for this and we need a lot of tools for a long time for this because we grieve forever and our grief morphs and changes. And I'm still continually finding ways to grieve Arnie and to mourn Arnie. And I will be doing it for the rest of my life.
Kristiina (46:38)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Yes.
Beth Biglr (47:07)
And I tell everybody, we got to be flexible with our grief and we have to be able to adapt over time to the fact that different tools and different rituals and different ways to connect are going to ebb and flow. And so we always want to be innovating how we are grieving forever.
Kristiina (47:21)
Yeah. Well, so that leads me into another question that was further on my question timeline, you just said that there's, you know, there's no timeline for grief and that it goes on forever, and that certainly does feel like what is happening, at least for me. Is there something that we can tell people who are new to grief?
kind of like a roadmap as to what they may experience or what they might expect. to kind of give an example, you know, I had like the first few months were super, super, super tough and really intense. And then it kind of felt like it got a little bit better. And then here in the spring has become very, very difficult again,
I think just seeing things grow and rebirth and all of this has just compounded the loss, right? That has made things almost as bad as they were at the beginning. And I've just been kind of back in a place where I'm like, oh, we're doing this again, huh? Like we're right back. We're right back here where we're sobbing uncontrollably like every day,
how long does this go on for? Like this incredibly deep, unpredictable grief. And yeah, sure.
Beth Biglr (48:31)
That's an impossible question for me to answer, right? Because everybody's so different and I hate being like, there are no timelines in grief. But that's a tough question to answer because again, everybody's coming to grief with different backgrounds, different experiences, different things that are informing how they're experiencing their grief. Obviously the ways that our animals die and the things we go through around that are very different, you know, and there's a lot of compounding things that can happen.
Kristiina (48:37)
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (48:58)
in people's lives that changed kind of the trajectory for them. What I say about the people who work with me, because I know that trajectory, because those are the people I'm working with, is most people come to me either immediately when their loss has happened, if they haven't come to me for anticipatory, because they're just having such a hard time and they don't see a way through, or a lot of people come to me kind of a month or two later when...
Kristiina (48:58)
Right.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (49:27)
I call the beginning kind of frozen popsicle land. So like you feel awful, but kind of nothing's coming in, nothing's coming out, that like shock thing. And then for many people, and again, I'm generalizing, but like, you know, like four to eight weeks, like this kind of thaw starts to happen. And a lot of feelings really start setting in and they feel worse. And they think, oh no, my grief is getting worse. I gotta get some help, right? So I see a lot of people kind of in that timeline. I've also seen people where it's been 20 years since their loss and they've come to me, right? So a huge range. But for people that I work with,
Kristiina (49:33)
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (49:56)
I always set the expectation that, you know, to get into serious work with me and doing the work and usually working on a weekly basis, I generally work with people between three to six months. Now, that doesn't mean that their grief is over in three to six months, but it means that the acute, really difficult, painful stuff that we need support around to kind of move through, that usually feels a lot lighter in that timeframe. And by then...
Kristiina (50:10)
Right.
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (50:23)
You have so many tools, because I'm a tool machine, you have so many tools in your toolbox that you feel like you can step out into the world and manage it and feel more confident and capable. And so for the people I work with, I would say like the hardest parts for them are like the first six months of working with me. And then things tend to feel a lot more manageable.
For many people though, you know, look, that first year is so hard because it's full of firsts and the change of seasons messes all of us up and all the major holidays are just awful and the milestones are awful and that first year is really hard and for a lot of people the second year feels worse because, you know, we kind of were braced for the first year like, okay, I just got to get to year one and then year two, we still have all these things that aren't happening again for the second time and it can feel really hard and by then nobody cares. Nobody's checking in. Nobody's...
Kristiina (50:45)
Yes.
Mm -hmm.
Right.
Yeah, the support has fallen off. Yeah.
Beth Biglr (51:07)
Completely. I mean, the support for pet loss support falls off in two months, right? But but I mean like that year too. So I think for a lot of people if I had to kind of say like super hard, you know, and again, that's a question. Do you have support or do you have no support? Right. Because if you don't have any support, you could still be stuck in some of this stuff for years. Right. And we see that. But, you know, I think the first couple of years are pretty tough for people. Right. Because it's just so new. It's such a huge thing to adjust to.
Kristiina (51:10)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (51:36)
Our brain's trying to adjust, our heart's trying to adjust. Every piece of our daily routine is different. And it takes a long time to integrate not having all of that dailiness in our lives. And so if I had to put a number of like, when I think it's I think the first year is super hard and I think the second year is super hard too. And so, and I think hopefully,
Kristiina (51:50)
Right.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Beth Biglr (52:00)
after then, you've been finding ways to navigate it.
Kristiina (52:06)
Okay, how can people kind of meet their physical needs when they're going through, especially at the beginning, that like really, really intense grief where they may not want to eat anything, they may not be able to sleep, they, you know, probably aren't drinking enough water. Are there things that you recommend that people make sure that they do during this time to take care of themselves while they're processing all of this really deep and new grief?
Beth Biglr (52:13)
Hmm.
100%. I also would apply this to anticipatory, right? Because one of the things that happens in anticipatory is we just totally stop taking care of ourselves, right? So this is also for anticipatory people too. I mean, first of all, I want to just validate that the physical side of grief is really huge and people have a lot of physical responses to grief. Obviously, low energy, fatigue, a lot of things happen in our brain that make us super tired, sleep disturbances, falling asleep, staying asleep or sleeping too much sometimes.
Kristiina (52:35)
sure.
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (53:01)
or getting up so early and then not going back to sleep. And muscle pains, a lot of people experience muscle pains and stomach pains, GI upset, tightness in chest, right? Digestion problems and all kinds of things, headaches. So just really validating that you may feel and experience a lot of physical symptoms with your grief. And for some people that's news, right? And I do of course always recommend get checked out. If you're having physical symptoms after grief, even if you think it's your grief,
Kristiina (53:22)
Right.
Beth Biglr (53:28)
Let your doctor know that you're going through grief and kind of work with them because people develop stuff. People start getting allergic reactions during grief. I mean, there's all kinds of things. So, I want to validate there's a huge physical component to this. And having said that, you know, when people say to me, what do you tell someone if it's day one? I say, rest, nourish, hydrate. And that's water hydrate, not like fun hydrate, right?
Kristiina (53:35)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Beth Biglr (53:51)
Gatorade hydrate. I just don't want to be misconstrued. Right? And when I say rest, I mean your body needs rest. Your body needs rest because of what your brain is trying to process. Your body needs rest because of the physicality. Your body needs rest because it's coming down off this huge adrenaline thing that happens at the end of our beloved's lives no matter how it happened. So I don't just mean get enough sleep. I mean say no to things. Clear your schedule. Take time off work if you can. Really prioritize just rest and not exerting in any way.
Kristiina (54:15)
Mm -hmm.
Beth Biglr (54:21)
then yeah, drink your water. Drink your water, drink your catering, drink whatever you want to drink and just try to stay hydrated. You may not feel like eating. That's very common. I don't need you to eat, but I need you to get some calories, get some proteins. If you got to drink some protein shakes, you know, send it. When someone texts you and says, anything I can do to help, say, yeah, bring me protein rich shakes, right? And try all the protein shakes from every place in town until you find one you can stomach and then send that friend to get them for you every day, right? It's just so important.
Kristiina (54:33)
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (54:49)
to try to work on our sleep. Now sleep is a big one, right? Because if our sleep isn't working for us, nothing else is gonna go well. And a lot of us, myself included, terrible sleepers to begin with, right? And then this happens and it's just, you know, so really focusing on your sleep hygiene, you know, limiting your caffeine, limiting your alcohol. I know that's a buzzkill, but like this is how we get better sleep. Trying to do some exercise, trying to go for walks, be outside, you know, get vitamin D, you know, all those kinds of things.
Kristiina (54:58)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Beth Biglr (55:15)
And I'm a huge fan of sleep meditations and sleep stories. If you're having trouble falling asleep, that's a really powerful tool that's good for grief, right? Because some meditation practices where it's like, let's just listen to our thoughts. No, nobody wants to listen to their thoughts during grief. No, thank you. But like a sleep story, we can kind of go on a journey, kind of keeps your brain occupied, relaxes you, helps you get to sleep, right? I also really recommend connecting in with your beloved before bedtime. Make connecting in with them part of your wind down routine, you know? So whether that's talking to them out loud or...
Kristiina (55:23)
Mm -hmm.
Oh no. No.
Right.
Beth Biglr (55:45)
writing them a note or doing some sort of ritual, lighting a candle, saying a prayer, whatever feels right to you, including them in your bedtime routine so you are saying goodnight to them and including them as part of that. Having that connection right before bed also oftentimes helps us rest a little easier at night. So rest, nourish and hydrate are the key ingredients, especially in those early days of loss.