Episode 13: Journeying Beyond the Loss of a Beloved Pet with Beth Bigler, Part 2

Every one of us who has loved and lost a pet knows the profound ache that follows. As host, I joined hands with pet loss and grief counselor Beth Bigler to traverse the tender paths of mourning our cherished animal companions. Our conversation spans the emotional spectrum, offering solace in shared experiences and practical advice for those dark times. From the therapeutic release found in art and movement to the comfort of community and rituals, we provide a heartfelt guide to navigating this deeply personal journey.

When Steve's cat friends faced life without him, their world was turned upside down – a testament to the deep bonds we form with our pets. In this candid discussion, we uncover the layers of pet grief and the interventions that can ease their suffering. I recount the story of how Steve's feline friends, through engagement and new companions, found their way back to a semblance of normalcy, and how Butters, a new arrival, brought fresh joy to the household. Beth and I also tackle the delicate decision of when the heart is ready to welcome a new pet, ensuring that any new addition is a step towards healing, not a replacement for the one lost.

And in those final moments, should other pets be present? This episode doesn't shy away from the tough questions. We delve into the contemplative space of home euthanasia, sharing personal stories and professional insights to aid in making this heart-wrenching decision. Beth opens up about her own pets, Arnie and Zelda, and their unique goodbyes, reinforcing that there's no uniform approach to such farewells. Whether you're honoring milestone days or grappling with PTSD symptoms after a pet's passing, join us in recognizing that grief is a journey we don't simply move on from – we move with it, step by step, day by day.

Transcript

Kristiina Wilson: 0:00

Hi and welcome to Hiss and Tell a Cat Behavior and More podcast. I'm your host animal behaviorist, christina Wilson. Today is part two of my discussion with pet loss and grief counselor Beth Bigler about pet loss and grief. Today we talk about understanding the timeline of grief, ways that you can honor the memory of your pet, deciding when you could get another pet, preparing for milestone days, allowing your pets to be present during home, euthanasia and a bunch of other stuff. So I hope you'll join us and see you in the podcast. Are there any specific strategies or techniques that you recommend for coping with the loss of a pet? I don't know if we sort of covered this, butters.

Beth Bigler: 0:45

Hi Butters.

Beth Bigler: 0:50

Hi, butters, butters, hi, butters, butters that was amazing decided to come through squeaking. And what do you think about it, butters? You got some tips and tricks. So the question was um, how, how can we support ourselves? Yeah, when we're moving through this grief, well, the number one thing I always have to remind people is to and it it's kind of a cliche, but it's feel your feelings right, feel them when they're coming up, even if you feel like, oh, am I overreacting? Am I having? Like, is this too much? No, don't stuff them down, let them out. Cry if you need to cry, scream if you need to scream, yell if you need to yell, rage, whimper. But the more you can release those and have those moving into the world, the more easily your grief is going to move through you. You know, I really grief is so bodily and we want to just help it move through us. So, however, it needs to come out through movement, through expression, through art. However you want to do it. Feel those feelings and let them out.

Beth Bigler: 1:36

Another thing say yes to anybody who offers to help, like I was just saying about the protein shakes. You know people are going to text you and be like do you need anything. I want you to be ready with an answer to that question. I want you to be able to say yes, could you bring me over a donut? Or could you bring me over some mint tea? Or could you bring me over a game of connect four, cause I'm thinking about my childhood. Whatever it is, I want you to be ready with yes, I'd love some help. Here's what you can do Now. If the person doesn't do it, that's okay. But I want you to really try to be in touch with what would feel supportive. And for those people who are like, how can I help, tell them how they can help. Working on our self-compassion. I've touched on that before, but I'm a broken record on this. Talk to yourself, kindly Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. Talk to yourself the way your beloved talks to you and whenever that negative voice is coming in, I want you to shoo that away and welcome in some self-compassion. This is so hard what you're going through. Be kind to yourself about it.

Beth Bigler: 2:30

And, of course, I'm a big fan of memorializing and celebrating your beloved, however you want to do that. I love having celebrations of life. I love having art projects. I love building a memorial garden for them and all their signature colors. If you don't have a signature color for your animal, get one now and start making all kinds of choices in your life to bring that color into your life. Use their name at the coffee shop when you order coffee so you hear their name spoken aloud in the world. Share stories about them on social media and with your friends.

Beth Bigler: 2:58

Come head over to my monthly pet memorial service. I do a memorial service live on Instagram every month. You can submit your name and your beloved's name and I'm going to read those out loud for everyone to celebrate that your animal has been an important person in your life. You know, do things that help you celebrate them, that help you memorialize them. Get some cool memorial jewelry. Get a cool portrait painted right, yeah, do all those things that helps you feel connected and, of course, finding community, finding other people who get it, and not being afraid to invest in your grief, and by that I mean saying okay, it's here.

Beth Bigler: 3:35

It's not something I'm going to stuff down, it's not something I'm going to shove away. I'm going to invite it in. I'm going to welcome the grief in. It's going to be here for a while. Let's get to know each other, let's see what we learn about each other, and let's find a way to do this together. You know, I think if we all could stop thinking about grief as such an enemy and think about it more as you know, an uneasy truce we'd get a lot farther. That's very true.

Kristiina Wilson: 3:58

Do you have any ideas for how pet owners can support their other pets who may also be grieving the loss of their companion and I can hop in with stuff that I did for our cats, but I would love to hear if you have things that you recommend to people who may be living in multi-cat households.

Beth Bigler: 4:15

Totally, totally. I'm really eager to hear what you did, so I want to hear all about it. But in general, you know, with our surviving animals, first of all, of course they're grieving. Now our research on this is not perfect. We don't have like perfect research on how cats grieve Hopefully we'll get more on that but we do know that they're grieving. So a lot of people see very outward signs of that grief. They see searching behaviors, they see, you know, surviving cats going into certain spots that the previous cat went into, all those kinds of things. So you may see it and it may look very obvious. You also may not see it and it may not look obvious, but that doesn't mean it's not happening right.

Beth Bigler: 4:56

So I always just like to like, let's acknowledge that. So a couple of things I recommend for people is talk to your surviving animals. Talk to them about what's happening and, by the way, anticipatory people talk to them about it before it happens too, and talk to them and say, hey, you know, I know that you're grieving, I see these behaviors.

Beth Bigler: 5:12

It's hard, you know, we're all grieving in this house. It's tough to be in a house full of grieving people. So I'm here to help you, I'm here to support you in that. Anything I can do, let me know. And hey, you know, if you want to want to help me in my grief, I would love. If you just want to come up and give me a little kiss now and then, or if you want to sleep in bed with me in Arnie's old spot or whatever, it is Right, ask them to help you.

Beth Bigler: 5:31

And you tell them you're there to help them. Also reassure them everything's OK, you're doing all right, nothing bad is happening here. Right, because we do know what we can to talk to them about that. I also always love inviting in. Well, it's two things keeping the routine the same, right. So even if you're struggling to kind of stay in your routine, try to keep the surviving animals routine the same.

Beth Bigler: 5:55

But I also love inviting in kind of new activities, maybe something you haven't tried. Maybe you got a cat that you think would have a lot of fun with clicker training and you never tried that before. So you know, bringing in some new activities, some new kind of one-on-one time, especially if you have multiple surviving animals, kind of figuring out how you can sort of connect with each of them individually in whatever mode they like the best, I think is always like a nice, nice thing to be thinking about. I do also tell people if you see anything that's making you nervous from a medical standpoint, your hyper vigilance is already going to be raised because you've just been through a death. Go ahead and do a vet checkup If that feels supportive to you. If you think there's anything that you're seeing that you're nervous about, I would just recommend doing that once over, because it might be good peace of mind for all of you. I also want to say about surviving animals that it's absolutely okay and valid if you have complex feelings about any of your surviving animals.

Beth Bigler: 6:46

When Arnie died, I had another cat in the home, zelda, and she was not my favorite and Arnie was my favorite. And talk about anger.

Beth Bigler: 6:52

I was angry that Arnie died and I was stuck with Zelda and the complexity around our surviving animals and the feelings we have is wide and vast. But if you're feeling any complexity about it at all, it's okay. You are not a bad guardian for feeling that way or having those feelings. And one thing that sometimes helps with that too is just really taking a minute to be grateful for who is there. So with Zelda, I really started a gratitude practice of just telling her every day thank you for being here, I'm so glad you're here, and that helped me start building a deeper connection with her. And Zelda lived many more years after Arnie. She just died last year at the ripe old age of 19. Wow, I'm so grateful that she was here for this time, so grateful. She's my link to Arnie and our relationship grew and blossomed and changed in ways that it wouldn't have if Arnie had been here.

Beth Bigler: 7:41

So I just always like to honor complexity around surviving animals, but I really am curious what did you do?

Kristiina Wilson: 7:46

that was supportive, yeah, and I also just want to sort of normalize that, what you were just saying, the complexity, you know. When Butters joined the family, which was just a few months ago, you know, and he was just one of the ferals that you know, we normally TNR and we just didn't do the R part but he fit in so well with everyone, we were like, okay, he's gonna stay. And I really struggled, I really vacillated a lot between being so happy that he was here because he brought this physicality that was very similar to what Steve had in terms of just like being so like cuddly and physical and and like very young and playful in a lot of the ways that Steve had been, and then being really angry because he wasn't Steve. Yeah, right, and and I still kind of go through that where I'm not angry with him but I'm just kind of angry in general like he's not doing anything, he's like a nice dude, but sometimes I'm just, like you know, like you're not Steve, and I've had to really sit with myself and and kind of, like you've said, like like just be like well, it's. You know, this is probably normal and I think it's OK. It's been very complex series of feelings, even as I see him, kind of wake the house back up and, you know, get everybody sort of back on their feet.

Kristiina Wilson: 9:00

Steve's girlfriend left the bedroom in the seven months since he passed until, like butters, came in the house and now she's like, oh, back out and about, which is great. But the things that I noticed in our guys were, you know, he was the head of the house and everyone knew he was sick. Obviously he had cancer. And then by the end, like it was just very, it was very obvious. They could all smell it, I think, from the very beginning, and so there was a lot of support from all of them. They would lie around him, they would put their arms around him. Everyone just really rallied around him and loved him as much as he'd given them love, and so it was no shock to them what happened. But once he passed, everyone was just really unmoored because there was no head of the house anymore and they had all lost their best friend.

Kristiina Wilson: 9:43

And several of the boys had a lot of aggression towards each other because their sadness and their deep, deep grief was presenting as anxiety which then turned into redirected aggression onto each other. And so I tried all of these things. I was like I'm a behaviorist. It was giving everyone extra attention and playing with them more and upping the intellectual stimulation, you know, making enrichment boxes. But none of that was was keeping the two mainly from aggressing on each other. And so I had to go the psychopharmacological route which you know, I never thought as a behaviorist I was going to have to do.

Kristiina Wilson: 10:20

But I ended up having, uh, putting them on fluoxetine, which actually ended up being super, super helpful and I think was really needed in this time. So I also just want to normalize that for people, that if you have pets that you noticed especially are becoming aggressive for brief, um, fluoxetine is very helpful. I would say. Within a week or two there was a market difference. There was no personality change, nothing else changed. It just helped them kind of come under threshold to to be able to process everything in a way that they they weren't able to before.

Kristiina Wilson: 10:54

Um and other than that it was just really making sure to rotate. You know, having new stuff, like you said, new experiences. Let's do new things, let's have new toys. Let's have new, new experiences. Let's do new things. Let's have new toys, let's have new smells, let's try new foods. Let's just try to do anything to bring ourselves, because cats certainly as these, like very OCD animals, ruminate, I think, just as much as we do as humans because they're not outside hunting and their brains are telling them, hey, you're kind of a shitty hunter, so like, keep trying, and they're in our house and so you, you know that's all they have to do.

Kristiina Wilson: 11:25

So, god forbid, like that's all they were doing was thinking about this a lot of the time and you know they weren't eating as much, they were sleeping all the time, a lot of very similar signs and symptoms that we have as people. And so just trying to sort of reactivating reactivate them with anything that I possibly could, once the weather improved, taking them out for harnessed walks, um, but it really wasn't until we, you know, got butters again, not something I recommend for people introducing a new cat right away that's seven months later where I think they were at a point to receive that where that was very helpful. But it's been a long road of everybody just really processing and it's not just people who need a lot of time to process, like I can tell, they're all still really processing. It's. It's been a huge ordeal for everybody.

Beth Bigler: 12:15

Yeah, and that energy shift that you mentioned to you know, with Steve, I noticed that so much when, when Zeldada died, like the whole energy in our whole house completely changed yeah and you know, I have two uh young male cats, and zelda was the grand damn.

Beth Bigler: 12:31

You know, zelda was the queen and all of a sudden, all that energy was totally dissipated. And you know, my, my boys are young and they were really trying to adjust to it and I could see they were struggling, we were struggling and yeah, that energy, that whole energy shift is, is a lot to take in and so naturally they're going to have different responses and reactions and but we can support them and yeah, no, and I think just feeling like, hey, we are all in this together, right, like that's absolutely family, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Kristiina Wilson: 13:02

And I think really just sitting down and spending quality time with them Right, I think we're often so busy, you know that we don't have time to just sit on the floor and be with them at their level and maybe not do anything, right, but just sit there and quietly exist, I think is so valuable to them. That is a cat's love language is to just sit and stare at nothing, just just be right, and I think that is such a valuable thing to do. If, if you're able to even put 10-15 minutes into that every day, I think that goes a really long way. And to kind of share, just sharing space and sharing, sharing vibes with your cat totally and telling stories about your beloved to them and with them, you know, like that's such a beautiful thing that I encourage people to do.

Beth Bigler: 13:50

You know, tell the Steve stories, tell Butters all the Steve stories right.

Beth Bigler: 13:53

All the legendary things, tell the other cats about their relationship you know with Steve and your memories of that and you know keeping their name going Like. You know, when I say Zelda's names, my two young boys their ears perk right up. You know we're talking about Zelda and I love you know kind of bringing our beloveds in in that way and keeping them part of the family through this. You know legacy storytelling, family tree and I love you know introducing Butters to Steve.

Kristiina Wilson: 14:19

You know what fun is that. So one of the last questions I have, before we get to all of the listener questions, is how can pet owners honor the memory of their cat and kind of keep their spirit alive in their hearts and homes? And I know we've like touched a little bit on this here and there, but maybe you can talk about some ways that you have found your clients have success with honoring the memory of their cats.

Beth Bigler: 14:47

Well, you know, like I've said, I'm a big believer in keeping our beloveds included in our daily life and all the many different ways we can.

Beth Bigler: 14:56

We can do that. It's pretty much like what I post about every day on Instagram, right, yeah, but how do we? You know, how can you adopt a mindset of I'm in collaboration with Steve all the time, so Steve and I are doing this and Steve and I are doing that, and when I choose things and when I choose things that remind me of Steve, and you know it's it's, it's there's kind of a mindset thing here, right, sharing them, asking their advice for things when things get hard, and like seeing what you hear back, taking time in your day to just actively sort of connect with them and to think about it. You know, like, when I go to an appointment, if I'm a few minutes early, rather than sit there and scroll on my phone, I just take a couple minutes and I close my eyes and I connect in with Arnie and I get to hang out with him in that time, right, and I ask him for help with things. You know I ask him for help with things. You know I ask him for guidance. I bounce ideas off him. I was like you know, what do you think about this right and that, and that is so supportive, you know, to me and to many of my clients. And also you know the gifts, the guidance, the lessons, the teachings you know y'all hear me talk about this all the time.

Beth Bigler: 16:00

Take some time to reflect what did my beloved bring into my life? What are some of the things I learned and how can I carry that legacy into the world? Because we all know we are better because of them. We know so many things about loving and being loved, accepting love, being worthy, being kind, that we didn't know before or that hadn't been reinforced in that way. And so these gifts, these gifts that we have been given, they continue with us and we get to take those into the world and share those with others. My perspective on my work now, arnie and I are doing this together and I'm showing up for people like Arnie never failed to show up for me, and so finding your way, however, your way is with your beloved beloved. To bring that legacy into the world and carry their mission forward is so life-affirming and it keeps them with you all the time and it keeps you giving to the world as they gave to you and in that way, they are forever with you you're absolutely right, and I mean.

Kristiina Wilson: 17:05

The big driver of this podcast is Steve. I absolutely wouldn't be doing it if it weren't for him.

Beth Bigler: 17:12

Exactly, but isn't that? It Isn't that just it? And is that supportive to your grief?

Kristiina Wilson: 17:17

Yes, yes, so fair enough. Steve's followers asked me like what? When should they think about getting another pet? Like, what is the right time for that? Do you have thoughts about that? I know that's like a deeply personal thing for each individual. I have a lot of thoughts.

Beth Bigler: 17:33

Okay, let her rip. This is a tough topic.

Beth Bigler: 17:37

Yeah this really is a tough topic, um, and I feel very differently about it than I did when I first started doing this work. Okay, totally transparent. Um, I used to sort of think because I hadn't seen as much as I've seen now, like, oh you know, like whenever you've, whenever it feels good to you. You know my mantra about all everything grief is if it feels supportive, do it right. If it doesn't feel supportive, don't do it. So I used to kind of think and, look, I have encountered people who've adopted the next day and it's been great. But the longer I do this and the more I work with people and now these are people coming to me for grief counseling for their beloved, and that is not everybody right, but my new sort of feeling on it is um.

Beth Bigler: 18:16

newer feeling on it is that we really want to make sure that we feel really, really, really ready. And if you have no's going on, if you have some no's happening, even if you think it might be good for your surviving animals, even if you think it's, you should be ready or it should be time, even if there's other people in your household who want to do it, if you have no's going on in your heart, I want you to listen to the no and not do it until those no's are gone. Because, unfortunately, when we adopt an animal too soon and that too soon is different for everybody but when we adopt an animal when we still have a lot of no's in our heart or maybe we're still stuck in our grief or we think it's going to help our grief we end up with a lot of comparison, we end up with a lot of. We end up with a lot of why aren't you more like?

Beth Bigler: 19:02

this you know what we must be prepared for when we welcome a new family member. We must be prepared that that cat is going to be the polar opposite of Arnie or Steve. We have to be ready for that. And when we're deep in grief and we still have no's, we are not ready for that. We have to be ready that that animal might have a medical condition, even if they're young, and we might have to mount up for a big medical fight or a financial thing and a lot of us coming out of what we've been through in anticipatory.

Beth Bigler: 19:29

we are not ready for that, right, and so I have seen just a lot of heartache. With people I've worked with who have adopted before. A lot of those no's were feeling more resolved. So I really just encourage people to listen to the no's. Now here's the caveat. Yeah, a no is different than grief, right, and when we welcome a new family member, grief comes up right, because there's nothing that stirs up our grief like, wow, if I'm welcoming a new family member, it means that Steve is never coming home or Arden is never coming home, so we got to be careful that it's not like our grief.

Beth Bigler: 20:01

but a lot of people I know have nose but they feel like they shouldn't have nose and then they do it and it doesn't go well. In fact, I have a lot of people come to me to work with me only around this issue. They didn't work with me in their, in their grief, but they've adopted a new animal and they're having a miserable time and they want my help.

Beth Bigler: 20:17

You know navigating that because the grief is involved. So I just tell people I don't have any recommended timeline for this, but I really urge people to really check in with their readiness and to really sit with. Do I really feel ready and am I ready if this animal is nothing like the one that I had? Am I ready if this animal has a medical challenge? Am I ready to kind of release my expectations? And you know, then we're getting more in the ballpark. So it's really just something that I encourage people to take a lot of time with, to really sit with and to really consider deeply, because when you've lost a soulmate pet, it's a huge thing to bring something different into your orbit.

Kristiina Wilson: 20:57

It is, it is. Well, let's move on to our our listener questions. So, uh, the first one is uh, when is the best time to contact a grief counselor and how to go about finding one? Um, whenever you want.

Beth Bigler: 21:16

I mean fair, you know. Um, look, I hope everybody. If you're having a hard time anticipatory grief, please don't delay reaching out to someone who can help you with that. I really want to validate, normalize. Let's get support on the anticipatory side right. I will say this If I work with you on the anticipatory side, your post-loss grief is going to be a little easier than if you had not come to me on the anticipatory side.

Beth Bigler: 21:42

So I highly recommend jump in on the anticipatory whenever you can. I think the question may be asking like at what point we touched on this earlier like at what point do I need to see someone? And I don't know, I don't know. I think we all need it, right? So I think, if you're, even if the thought has crossed your mind, it's time to reach out and speak with someone, right? And there's all kinds of different people who do this work, although there's not very many people who only do this type of work. So I would really encourage you if you're looking. I love therapists. Do not get me wrong. I'm a big fan of therapists, been in therapy my whole life. But a lot of therapists don't have any training in grief whatsoever.

Beth Bigler: 22:21

They certainly don't have any training in this kind of grief. So you know, I would recommend really looking for someone who specializes specifically in grief and, better yet, animal grief.

Beth Bigler: 22:32

And someone who's worked with a lot of people, who has a lot of experience and expertise to understand this. Because there are some people who do this, you know, they see a couple people you know here and there and they have not seen a whole variety of types of situations and every situation is very different. So I think, and then it's a vibe check, you know, just like any finding any mental health professional. It's kind of like dating. You got to like talk to someone you know, have an initial conversation with them, see how it feels and, you know, try to assess if you think they can help you. So, but I think, if the thought has crossed your mind, do I maybe need to see someone? I think it's time to call. That would be my advice.

Kristiina Wilson: 23:09

Is there a special, like certification or training, that people should look for when they're looking for a pet loss? Grief counselor.

Beth Bigler: 23:17

No, because people doing this kind of work are coming from all kinds of different backgrounds and trainings. I mean there are like licensed clinical therapists who have done additional certifications in pet loss grief counseling.

Beth Bigler: 23:25

There are end of life death doulas who may also have a certification in grief counseling. I think I think education and training is far less important than you feeling like you're connecting with someone who really gets you and gets what you're going through, because there is no standardized education for pet loss grief counseling. I mean, there's different places that offer different programs, but there's not like a standardized thing, right? So I think it's far more important. I'm always more impressed with like am I listening to you? Am I hearing what you're saying? Do I feel like you can help me? Right?

Beth Bigler: 24:00

Than like where you went to school or what your training is. But obviously I would recommend working with people who've done some certifications, done some trainings, who clearly have experience and longevity. You know there's a lot of people like jumping into this work right now.

Beth Bigler: 24:13

It's becoming kind of popular but, they simply haven't seen very many people. And I have seen a lot of people. You know hundreds and hundreds, probably more than that at this point, um, and and you need to have seen a lot of different scenarios to really be able to support a lot of different scenarios that totally that tracks okay.

Kristiina Wilson: 24:32

So another person asks how do we overcome the guilt of moving on, which I guess is a little bit different than the guilt that we already talked about?

Beth Bigler: 24:40

well, I don't use the word moving on. Okay, so I'll try to interpret that how I think the question is being asked.

Beth Bigler: 24:48

I don't think this is something we move on from. Yeah, or, you know, I used to say move through a lot. I still kind of say move through. I don't really like that anymore. I like move with. We move with this grief, we move with the sorrow. I'm still grieving arnie. I wish he were here, right, so, um, but what? I think the question? I just, I'm just that's just a semantics thing, but, um, you know, I think I think when we tell ourselves we, we are moving on or we're, you know like, let's just dispel that, right, we're not moving on.

Beth Bigler: 25:15

There's no such thing as moving on like we're moving with it, it's coming with us, right. So, um, but I think like what a lot of people mean when they say this. It's like you know some people. The version is like I feel guilty because I haven't cried in a week.

Kristiina Wilson: 25:27

Right.

Beth Bigler: 25:27

Or I feel guilty because I just went and had a nice vacation, I didn't really think about my grief, or or I welcomed a new dog and I'm totally in love with my new dog and you know, am I betraying? Said about guilt, I think what you really want to remember here is who you are with your beloved right, who this is with you, like you and Steve right, the essence of you and Steve together, all that trust and loyalty and devotion and acceptance and hilarity, right, and that relationship. It's perfect, it's protected, it's eternal. It cannot be betrayed. You cannot betray your beloved and your life with them.

Beth Bigler: 26:07

The only thing, in my view, that's a betrayal of that is self-harm and self-destruction, and we're not doing any of that. So your beloved is with you, your beloved is moving with you as you do these things. Your beloved is with you to help you welcome home that new animal. Your beloved is with you as you go on that vacation and you get a sign from them, you know, and that orange butterfly pops up and you're like, hey, arnie, right. So I think you know you are not betraying your love and your relationship. If your life is naturally evolving, and why don't you bring them along with you and let them enjoy all of this new life with you. A lovely answer, thanks here to be lovely.

Kristiina Wilson: 26:47

You're doing a great job. A plus in lovely A plus. So somebody else wrote can you talk about the overwhelming sadness that just hits you out of nowhere at random times, and why that is?

Beth Bigler: 27:05

Oh, that's a long answer, I'll keep it short. I mean, look, there's a lot of brain things that happen about when we get hit with those. I call them clobbers, but people call them grief wave, grief burst. My therapist calls them grief pinatas. Oh, I know she's so good, but she says I can use it, so thanks. Does candy fall? Called them grief pinatas, right, oh, I know she's so good, but she says I can use it.

Kristiina Wilson: 27:22

So um thanks, candy fall out um right.

Beth Bigler: 27:24

I think grief falls out oh that's not fun. Grief, your sadness, despair, longing loneliness, right, those are all the candies. Um well, they're the worst, right? And? We all know what those are my worst one ever happened in a grocery store.

Beth Bigler: 27:40

I was walking in the aisle. Um, arnie happened to die in the last day of the first trimester of my pregnancy, which meant he was never going to meet my son earthside, and that was a massive devastation to me. And a few months after that I was in the grocery store. I was going to get some yogurt. I was very visibly pregnant at that point. And I'm walking down the aisle and I'm heading to the yogurt and all of a sudden I realize I'm in the pet aisle, which I don't think I had been in since Arnie died.

Beth Bigler: 28:03

I look over at the litter and it says you know, it's one of the litters. It says multi-cat litter, right for a multi-cat household. And I had this thought I'm no longer a multi-cat household. And even now, just saying it, I know, yeah, I burst into tears. And worse than that, I fell. I fell to my knees. I mean, it was like so dramatic and I could not stop crying about the fact that I would no longer need multi-cat litter. And of course, now I'm very pregnant. People are running over they think I'm having a baby.

Beth Bigler: 28:34

It was mortifying the whole thing. But you know my worst kind of grief burst moment that happened in a grocery store. So those come out of nowhere sometimes. And you know, for the ones we can anticipate right, like major milestone days, gotcha day, adoption days, birthdays, major holidays you know we can prepare for those and I'm a really big fan of helping people figure out ways to kind of prepare for some of those moments that we're going to get, those clobbers for the and. So I'm bringing that up because one of the things that helps is that if we are more prepared for the moments, the places, the you know triggers some people like that word that we're going to encounter, and we kind of have plans for how to handle those, it makes these like the kind of the ones we can't stop right the less oppressive, as opposed to if it's just happening all the time.

Beth Bigler: 29:19

Yeah, and for these again, being kind, being gentle, being supportive to ourselves, saying this is really hard, I'm going through such a hard thing when I get these because I still get them time to time I ask Arnie for help. I'm like Arnie, can you just help me through this? Can we just breathe together for a second? I'm trying to breathe and ground and remind myself that you know this is so painful, this is so hard. I'm doing the best I can and I'm remaining in connection. I'm living in love with Arnie and I go to gratitude if I can. I'm grateful. I'm so grateful to love Arnie and to be loved by Arnie, hard as this is.

Kristiina Wilson: 30:00

It's the best thing in the world and that that helps me when I have those moments so if people know that they have like one of those milestones coming up, what are some things that they can do?

Beth Bigler: 30:12

to prepare for that. Totally well, first of all, no matter what preparations we make, we don't know how we're going to feel on the day. So one thing I like to say is like I advise prepare, make plans, do get things ready. How we're going to feel on the day. So one thing I like to say is like I advise prepare, make plans, do get things ready to do.

Beth Bigler: 30:24

And if you feel like doing nothing but staying in bed. Stay in bed, Right. So we don't want to. We don't want these days to turn into like to do lists or things we have to do, and if I don't do One is I always recommend doing something special that helps you feel connected to your beloved on that day.

Beth Bigler: 30:46

So, whatever that is for you, if it's, you know, doing something special in the house that you know Steve would totally enjoy If it's setting up like a cool area of you know cardboard where you know all the cats can get in and play with the cardboard because that's, like Steve's favorite thing. Just doing something that like connects you to your beloved, whatever that looks like for you, maybe that's writing a letter to them, maybe that's, you know. You know doing something beautiful with some of their toys, or whatever you want to do, doing an art project, just something that makes you feel connected. So that's one thing.

Beth Bigler: 31:17

Another thing is I say share, share on milestone day. Share that it is a milestone day, whether that's sharing on social media, making a post, or just texting a friend with a photograph and saying, hey, you know, this is what Arnie looked like on his gotcha day. It's his gotcha day today. I just wanted you to see, you know, share it with someone. Or maybe that's making a dinner of all of Steve's favorite foods and that's the theme for the night, and you have a dinner with some friends where you're doing that. So sharing in some way with at least one other person. I also recommend doing an act of kindness or doing an act of service for a person or an animal in need. You know my clients are very creative on this front, but anything from you know buying coffee for the person behind you and having the barista say it's from your animal that's Jamie's mom, isabel, as she does that which is so beautiful.

Beth Bigler: 32:03

Jamie's mom, Isabel, also will go to PetSmart on a milestone day for Isabel and kind of chat up with other guardians there and then pick out a toy and give them a toy for their beloved from Isabel, right, and just doing those little things, this act of kindness, act of love in the world is a great legacy act. And then a fourth component, I think, is just doing something nice for yourself. You know what feels nurturing and nourishing to you, and that's different for everyone. For some people it might be going for a walk, For some people it might be a massage, For some people it might be getting yourself a bouquet of flowers in their signature color Cat, safe flowers, of course. But you of course, you know, whatever, whatever it is Also just doing something a little extra nice for you on that day. And I think those four things kind of thinking about those before a milestone is can be really supportive and give you some things to do to honor, acknowledge and celebrate your beloved on those milestones.

Kristiina Wilson: 32:55

Those are great ideas and I'm going to make sure that we do all of them. Thank you, it's very helpful.

Beth Bigler: 33:01

Totally. And one thing about milestones I will also say is to really check in about what does this day mean to me? Because we don't check in about that a lot right.

Beth Bigler: 33:11

Especially like transition days, death days, death anniversaries. A lot of people feel like, well, I don't even like calling it an anniversary because I don't want to celebrate. I'm celebrating that my beloved died and I'm like, okay, what does the day mean to you and how do you want it to be in the world? Right, Because we get to define what these days mean. So, like some people really do a big celebration on gotcha day or their beloved's birthdays and for some people the the like death transition day. It's kind of like more muted, more of like an acknowledgement day For me.

Beth Bigler: 33:40

The last few years, you know, I call Arnie's transition day, Arnie Day and I do giveaways and I do nice things for people in the vet med community and I try to like kind of give back. It's kind of a give back day for me. But I think, taking some time to just think, okay, what does the milestone mean to me and how do I feel that, the how to feel that I'm acknowledging it, about what it actually means for me. It doesn't have to mean the same thing to anyone else or culturally it's got to mean it for you.

Beth Bigler: 34:04

I think that's really powerful when we think about milestone days.

Kristiina Wilson: 34:07

I don't know why that one got me. I think just my resolve is like it's weakening as we go on.

Beth Bigler: 34:16

It's okay to cry right. Those sadness tears are good for you, they are soothing. I'm Scandinavian.

Kristiina Wilson: 34:23

Now we're discussing my upbringing and that's not okay.

Beth Bigler: 34:28

There's a lot to unpack there, Seriously.

Kristiina Wilson: 34:35

I shed like two tears at my grandmother's funeral and my family were like what's wrong with you? Why are you? What is this on your face? Suck it up, buttercup.

Beth Bigler: 34:40

I was like okay, I'm very sorry. So anyway, that's so many different households too. That is not just scandinavia, oh no, a whole lot of places, yeah it's just very traditional over there. It's just like no, I understand you're strong, only anyway.

Kristiina Wilson: 34:54

Someone else asked I think we know the answer to this, obviously, but uh, can you have ptsd from pet loss?

Beth Bigler: 35:00

yes, yeah, yes, yes, sure, of course I'm not a licensed clinical therapist, right? I'm a double certified grief counselor, I'm a death doula, I'm a pet chaplain, so I can't diagnose anybody with PTSD or CPTSD or anything like that, and that's, that's outside of my purview. If someone comes to me and, you know, really presents to me with things that I think are out of my scope, I'm going to send them to a licensed clinical therapist who specializes in trauma, right? Having said that, I've worked with a lot of people who have, you know, certain things going on that we would associate as sort of you know like symptoms, right, but you know, like having like that recurring thought of like the end that isn't necessarily PTSD. That could be like that's an intrusive thought coming in, because that's like a thing I'm thinking about, right.

Beth Bigler: 35:46

So there's a lot of people who say I know I have PTSD and I'm like, oh, I don't know, I can't diagnose you, but let's kind of work together and see if we can dial down some of those symptoms that like feel like PTSD, right, because you know, a lot're worried about it. Please go see someone you know, see if you can get a diagnosis there's. So, oh, we have come so far in treating PTSD. There's so many options, so I'm a big fan of getting appropriate support if you have it. So can any kind of trauma cause PTSD, of course, and a lot of things we go through when we experience this kind of grief. Can um can give us that and um again, if you think that's happening to you, seek support. There's a lot of support for that and um and I work with a lot of people.

Beth Bigler: 36:32

you know, I like when my clients are already in therapy working on things, so I work with a lot of people who are already working with therapists and other parts of life and PTSD and then we work together specifically around.

Beth Bigler: 36:42

You know their grief about their beloved and it's a really nice in tandem thing to be doing, to have a space to go just to kind of focus on your pet loss and, if you are having other things going on about PTSD, to be working through that, you know, with a licensed clinical therapist who specializes in trauma.

Kristiina Wilson: 36:57

Right. Is there any benefit in allowing your other pets to be present during or after home euthanasia?

Beth Bigler: 37:04

Well, again, this is an area where I don't believe we have concrete research about this stuff because this is not a heavily researched thing, but I can tell you, having talked to numerous in-home euthanasia veterinarians, other veterinarians and anecdotally working with lots and lots of clients about this and in my own experience, the general feeling is that it's a great idea to let your other animals experience that their sibling has died Now, sometimes having other animals present during the actual euthanasia itself can be distracting for the guardian, it can create more chaos, it can be overwhelming.

Beth Bigler: 37:45

So a lot of people I work with choose to maybe have their cats in a place where they're not going to enter the room or dogs get the dogs out of the house. But I always recommend to my clients, if it's comfortable for them to allow, after the completion of the euthanasia, to let those other animals come in and smell.

Beth Bigler: 38:05

Anecdotally, of course, we know that many animals want to come and smell and sniff and spend time with the body and so forth, and I like to normalize that not every animal is going to do that. There may be some animals who don't want to engage with it. That's okay. We don't want to force that. A lot of people ask me should I put my cat up to? I get that question a lot.

Beth Bigler: 38:23

Absolutely not. We want to let everyone do everything on their own terms, and if you are not comfortable with it, if it's causing you pain for some reason, we also have to take that into consideration, right? So, even though it's something that I recommend, it doesn't mean like, if you aren't up for it or it doesn't feel right, don't do it. And I also got to validate with this kind of question, you may be in a situation where you can't do it. Maybe in a situation where you can't do it Right, and that was me when Arnie um came to the completion of his life. I could not get him home for an in-home euthanasia. It was not safe medically to transport him and I so desperately wanted him to be able to get home and say goodbye to Zelda.

Beth Bigler: 38:55

It was so important to me and I felt so sad, not guilty. I felt sad that it couldn't be that way and um, but it wouldn't have been safe, right, and so I didn't get to do that and um, that's okay too. If you're not able to, that's not your fault. You didn't do a bad thing. You did the best you could. Yeah, but in my experience, I recommend it. How did you handle it in your house.

Kristiina Wilson: 39:18

We had an at-home euthanasia Um, our best best friend and Steve's you know longtime vet um until you know, longtime vet um until you know, from before we moved up here to Connecticut, came all the way from New York city um to be here with us and to handle it, um, and you know we, we had just all all the cats around, but they, they by you know, they knew what was going on, um, so it was no, no surprise to them, but nobody ended up being in the room when it happened and no one was interested in being around after.

Kristiina Wilson: 39:51

I just think they knew for months what was coming that day. I think it was pretty obvious we had given him pretty heavy sedation before the vet arrived, and so I think they had just kind of been like, okay, you know, like we, they knew the jig was up, so to speak. And I think they just sort of of been like okay, you know, like we, they, they knew the jig was up, so to speak, and I think they just sort of removed themselves from that situation, um, and it's not like they didn't know what happened. They obviously all knew what happened. There was no even like seeking behavior from anybody. They all knew Um, and so it was. It was totally up to them. They could have come in at any point, but nobody wanted to um yeah, my two um cats.

Beth Bigler: 40:28

Uh one was very interested uh when, uh because I did in home for zelda. Um one was very interested when the veterinarian arrived. The other one totally disappeared, yeah, um, and he was very like checking and he seemed to know and he did leave. So neither one of mine were present and they had the option.

Beth Bigler: 40:47

But one of one of my boys was super interested in the pre part and funnily enough, afterward I had them both. They, you know, they had access and they did want to come down and they both did want to like check out her body and the one who had been so interested before was not interested now after like one sniff and then the other one was very interested, right, and so their behavior was totally opposite in that moment and so you know. But but I think we do.

Kristiina Wilson: 41:12

I mean, I think the understanding is like if it's an option, give the option, yeah, right I and and I, we were totally open for them obviously we're all the same family for them to come and go as they pleased and whatever they were comfortable with, and and again, knowing that they just knew what was going on, uh was totally up to them and and Steve was completely out of it. So it's not like he felt or didn't feel supported by them, um, because he was. He was uh high on a lot of stuff.

Beth Bigler: 41:42

So I'm so glad. Yes, I'm happy for Steve.

Kristiina Wilson: 41:46

Ah, morphine, so comfortable, yes, and so the last question from a listener is how do you deal with, was it the right time? Doubt, oh, the fantasy, oh the fantasy that there's a perfect time.

Beth Bigler: 42:01

If I do nothing else today, I just want to validate for every single person that you do not need to feel 100% perfect about that day and time, that you chose.

Beth Bigler: 42:11

You know, I think again, like social media. I love social media, it's a great place for a lot of things, but sometimes there's just like narrative, like I felt so great, it was the perfect death, it was the perfect time. I work with hundreds and hundreds of people. Very few people are like, yeah, that was definitely the exact right moment, right, and I think we have to release this expectation that we're going to have this like I did it perfectly thing. I mean just about all of it Right. Yeah, so you know, making a decision around euthanasia, which is something I spend a lot of time with people on, it's so complex, there are so many factors at play and we are navigating through very complex medical things that are happening. We are navigating through quality of life questions that are happening and you know, there's all kinds of things people say about this. Better a week too soon than a day too late.

Beth Bigler: 42:59

Trying to, you know, assess, like well, if your animal can't do these three things, then it's time, and I don't know that any of us ever feel 100% that it's the exact perfect time. I think, questioning like, well, could we have done it in another day? Could we have done it a day sooner? Yeah, sure, that's probably all true if you're having those questions. The end result is that you made a euthanasia decision because your beloved had a medical condition that wasn't going to improve and it was going to get worse, and by having a compassionate euthanasia choice, you avoided a catastrophe. You avoided further suffering, if there was suffering. You avoided a traumatic experience that could arise if you don't have a compassionate euthanasia. And so, reminding yourself of the reasons why you chose when you chose, and reminding yourself of what was actually happening and that buying one more day perhaps could have been possible, but it may not have had the result that you wanted, if you'd had that one more day.

Beth Bigler: 44:03

We like to fantasize that if we'd had that one more day, you know, maybe things would have been different. But the truth is the reason we got to this place of the compassionate euthanasia is because there was a condition that wasn't going to improve and you offered an act of kindness to stop suffering. So to try to remind yourself of that when you get into that loop. Also, ask your beloved Do you think it was too soon? See what they have to say about it.

Kristiina Wilson: 44:26

Might be an interesting dialogue to have, great well, I just want to say thank you so much. This has been such a a good but difficult but important discussion and I only say difficult just because I'm still very much in grief. So it's been. It's been a lot um to hear discuss, but I hope it's going to be helpful for people to hear and I really thank you for your service and for being here today to talk about all of this, for helping so many people, for sharing everything that you shared today. I think it was all so helpful.

Beth Bigler: 45:03

Thank you so much. It was brave of you to do this while you're still in your grief over Steve, so I commend you for doing it.

Kristiina Wilson: 45:12

I just, I really, like I said before, I really feel like this is, this is part of his legacy, is now me just doing all this stuff, so I just do it.

Beth Bigler: 45:22

Well, for that, for them that I gotta say thank you, steve, thank you for creating this legacy, thank you for helping create this space. It's helping so many of us. Those of us who love kitties have a space to explore.

Kristiina Wilson: 45:35

So thanks, steve. Yes, that's all thanks to him, because I don't like social media and. I never would have been on it to be like look at my super cool cat.

Beth Bigler: 45:45

That's about the best reason ever to be on social media.

Kristiina Wilson: 45:47

I feel like it's the only reason, right? I'm like, uh, why else would I be on here, right? And? And then now I'm still on it because I'm like, well, I have a super cool cat and I have to continue, you know, with his legacy and message. So, yes, I'm still on this. I just got to put my dumb face on there too.

Beth Bigler: 46:07

Well. Steve loves your face, so that's also part of your legacy, I guess.

Kristiina Wilson: 46:12

I guess that's a whole other thing to entangle at another date, that's another episode. That's more than an episode that's like it's a multi-part, multi-season debacle. I think it's actually life work yeah I agree, as a western woman, that's just like can we ever unlearn our self-hatred. Anyway, that's somebody else's podcast, that is not my problem not our problem, we got enough we got enough of that going on in our grief.

Kristiina Wilson: 46:44

yes, I am an animal, an animal therapist, not a human one, so that's enough of that. But anyway, how can people reach you, find out about you, contact you if they want to avail themselves of your services?

Beth Bigler: 46:59

Yeah Well, first of all, come on over to my Instagram at honoringouranimals. Every month, like I mentioned, I do this live memorial service. I'd love to have anyone listening. Submit for that. It doesn't matter how long it's been since your loss. It's a beautiful time to come together for reflection and connection and community and to hear your beloved recognized and honored, so I'd love to have any of you join that. I do that every month.

Beth Bigler: 47:19

I also have a website, honoringouranimalscom. I have a weekly newsletter I put out with content for both anticipatory and post-loss grief and, of course, there you can also find out more information on working with me, either one-on-one or in small groups. And also I just encourage everyone to spread the word about normalizing and validating pet loss grief. That's the mission that I'm on. I want to empower animal grievers. So, even if you're not in the position of grieving an animal yet, think about next time someone is going through a loss in your circle, just reaching out to them, treating the loss the same as you would, as if it were a human, and continuing to be a strong ally to all animal grievers. That's the best thing we can do to change this cultural conversation.

Kristiina Wilson: 48:00

So I look forward to seeing all of you All right. Thank you again. So so much, and yeah, that's it, thanks. Thanks for being on His Intel, thanks for having me All right, thanks for listening, as always. If you enjoyed the podcast, please go ahead and give us a rating and or review. We'd super appreciate it. You can find our social medias Instagram and TikTok at His Intel and Tell Podcast. For cat behavior consultations, go to catitude-adjustmentcom. Music provided by Cat Beats.