Fixable Problems vs. Dealbreakers in Love, Friendship & Work Bestie Relationships with Shelley Badayos

How do you know when a relationship needs repair… and when it’s revealing a dealbreaker?

In Episode 94, we sit down with Shelley Badayos to unpack one of the messiest questions in love, friendship, and work-bestie relationships: what is actually fixable, and what is costing you too much to keep normalizing?

We talk about attachment patterns, why we repeat what feels familiar, the difference between awareness and acceptance, and what it really looks like to move from insight into action. We also explore how these same relationship dynamics show up in platonic and workplace relationships, especially when a friendship starts to shift, feel one-sided, or quietly stop feeling mutual.

Inside this episode:

•  fixable problems vs. true dealbreakers 
•  awareness vs. acceptance 
•  repair, boundaries, and changed behavior 
•  the friendship formula and why work friendships change 
•  how to tell if a relationship needs a conversation, a reset, or something more honest 

If you have ever found yourself wondering whether a relationship is asking for repair — or revealing something deeper — this conversation is for you.

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Work Besties! Theme Song Written by Ralph Lentini @therallyband

Transcript

Fixable Problem Or Deal Breaker

Jess K 0:00

Work besties, today we're talking about one of the messiest questions in love and friendship. How do you know when something is a deal breaker versus when it's actually a fixable problem? And when we say love today, we do mean that in the broadest sense. So yes, it could mean romantic love, but also platonic love, friendship love, work bestie love, the kind of connection where someone really truly matters to you. Because not every hard season means it's time to leave. But also, not everything is meant to be worth you forever. Sometimes the issue is the relationship itself, sometimes the issue is the pattern, and sometimes the hardest part is figuring out which is which. We recently had a conversation with Shelly who coaches men through patterns in dating and relationships. And as we listen back, we realize that so much of what she was saying applies way beyond romance. Today we're unpacking that. How to tell the difference between something that needs a conversation, a boundary, or a reset, and something that may be showing you it's time to go. So let's get into it. Hi, I'm Cloud.

Claude F 1:07

And I'm Jess. We are corporate employees by day, entrepreneurs by night, and work besties for life.

Jess K 1:14

Join us as we explore how work besties lift each other up, laugh through the chaos, and thrive together in every industry. Work besties.

Shelley Badayos 1:36

Um, hi guys, my name is Shelly. So I am actually a dating coach for men specifically. And I came to this field or work by actually by accident. Honestly, started by an accident, and then I just started making a career out of it. Um, I used to work as a nurse, yeah. And then that is a pivot. That is a very pivot indeed. Started working as a nurse, and then I realized during COVID that it's not for me. And I started looking for other jobs, and then suddenly it's like um somebody called me. I thought it was another um job interview for nursing, right? No, it wasn't. It was uh an interview to enroll for coaching school, so it started there. Okay, and I said yes, and I was like, I don't know what this is, but I'm gonna just start it. And after that, I got certified as a life coach. Then I noticed a lot of people were approaching me for relationship problems. That's how I specialize in relationships, and then after that, I noticed most of the people now that are approaching me are men and single men who are struggling. I wonder why right and then now I specialize in dating.

Jess K 2:52

So you have pivoted like multiple times. I think I've heard it four, if not five, within that.

Shelley Badayos 2:58

A lot of women are asking me, why not women? Why are you not helping women? But it's just because I want to volunteer to help not the enemy side, but the other side to understand us more, you know.

Jess K 3:10

But I was gonna say, aren't you helping women by helping men, right? Like, you know, my mantra would see it.

Shelley Badayos 3:16

My mantra is like helping, making the world a better place, one good boyfriend at a time.

Jess K 3:23

Yeah, yes, yeah, which is the ultimate superpower for women, right?

Attachment Styles And Familiar Patterns

Claude F 3:28

One of the reasons Chili's perspective works so well here is because even though she primarily works in dating, but it's really about patterns. And patterns are not always about romance, it's also in friendship, at work, with your work basic uh what we told and what we keep hoping will get better on its own. Because if you do not understand those patterns, you can live one relationship, one friendship, one role, and you go straight to the same pattern again in that same dynamic. And that's why conversation really matters.

Shelley Badayos 4:07

Have you guys heard of attachment style theory? I haven't just to keep it short, like TLDR, too long, did it read. Um, attachment style theory is basically like how you received love as a kid and how now it's showing up to your adult life, how you're applying it to dating and your relationships technically.

Claude F 4:26

Okay.

Shelley Badayos 4:27

And so a lot of it is just basically diving deeper into their childhood and seeing how they learned how to show up for themselves and for other people and getting to the root of that. So whether it's people who are older or younger, we still tackle the same thing.

Claude F 4:43

That idea is so important because sometimes we think we are choosing what's right for us when really we are choosing what is recognizable for us. What did closeness look like to us growing up? Or what conflict felt like? What did you learn you had to do to be chosen, kept, even love. Those lessons don't stay in childhood. They show up later in the people we pick, the way we show up, and the things we normalize. And that can happen everywhere. Romance, but also friendship or work dynamics. Uh, those relationships where you're always the one adjusting, over-explaining, or even making yourself easier to deal with. Sometimes what we call chemistry is actually familiarity. Sometimes we call loyalty is actually over-tolerance. Sometimes we call history is actually just a pattern we haven't interrupted yet. And so once you see that, you start asking different questions.

Shelley Badayos 5:53

First, they have to gain awareness of it. The first step to change is awareness. Yeah, but you know what the hardest step is? Acceptance. Accepting that your way is not working. Because sometimes we have a tendency of, yeah, I know.

Jess K 6:08

It's everyone else, it's not me. Yeah.

Shelley Badayos 6:11

Is it okay to curse you? Like, girl, curse. Yeah. I don't know if this is VG rated. No, no, I know, but but shit's not working, right? Like, yeah, I I know I'm aware of this, but shit, but shit's not working, and I'm not really gonna do anything about it. So nothing's gonna change. If you don't accept it, and if you don't come from a place of like really extending a lot of compassion from yourself, and you keep judging yourself because of the actions that you continuously do, there's no change that's gonna happen. The hardest is accepting it, the accepting that yes, I am doing this and I need to change it.

Jess K 6:49

Oh wow.

Claude F 6:50

Yeah, so there's also like you said at the beginning as well, is yes, you have issue dating, you don't know what to say, blah blah blah. But then there's also the part where at one point you say um they are always dating the same kind of woman, kind of women. So at this one, and that is also how do you break that circle as well? You know, is it going deep down into your childhood as well? Because, you know, furred, mommy, whatever.

Shelley Badayos 7:24

Yeah, because we usually chase what's familiar to us, even though it's not good for us. Like, probably again, this is why how our parents modeled love for us is so important, because probably our parents have modeled that in order for us to feel validated, we have to um prove our worth. And so some of these, and I see this in women too, like guys and girls. Like, some of like some of like men, what they do is they try to do everything for this woman who is clearly not into them, just so for the possibility of that they could change their mind. But their energy is getting wasted on somebody that doesn't care for them. You see what I'm saying? Or like possibly like for them, since their parents probably did not say did not love them enough or did not show that they are stated, yeah. Exactly. So they have low self-esteem and they always put people on a pedestal. And what happens when you put people on a pedestal? You put yourself down. Yeah. And so that's why they're getting friend zoned a lot because they don't see themselves as a catch, and they're always trying to see this woman as somebody whoa, worship worthy, and treating this.

Jess K 8:38

Most likely the woman they're going after is like anybody that puts themselves down is not someone I want to be with.

Shelley Badayos 8:44

Yeah, you want a partner that isn't equal. Oh, yeah, right. That's what you want. Like, I mean, at work too, right? It's easier to work with someone who you see as an equal rather than a person who's trying to put you on a pedestal or trying to put you down. That line.

Jess K 9:00

The first step is awareness, but the hardest step is acceptance. That's everything. Because awareness is noticing, acceptance is admitting. Awareness says, I think I see the pattern, while acceptance is oh, I'm in it. I'm helping to keep it going. And I may need to be the one to do something differently. That is the part that truly gets uncomfortable. Because once you accept it, you can't only make it about the other person anymore. You have to start asking yourself those deeper questions. Why do I keep hoping this person will become who I need them to be? Why am I proving myself here time and time again? Why does this dynamic feel so familiar that I keep calling it normal? And I think this matters to me just as much in platonic relationships as romantic relationships. Because sometimes those platonic friendships become that place where we overfunction just as much as we do in romance, where we keep reaching out, we keep smoothing it over, we keep being the overly flexible one, we keep trying to tell ourselves that if we just try a little harder, it will feel neutral again. And that is the difference between when it's a fixable problem and when it's a deal breaker.

Clear Signs Of Repair Or Exit

Claude F 10:20

Let's try to define that clearly. So a fixable problem is yes, something that is painful, but it is workable. And it can improve through honesty, accountability, change behavior, or consistency and repair. Now, a deal breaker that is something that keeps violating the valid of who we are or what we can accept. Safety, respect, trust, your sense of self. So fixable problem says this is hard, but there is willingness here.

Jess K 10:54

And a deal breaker is when the pattern keeps costing you your peace, your dignity, your mental health, or your sense of self.

Claude F 11:01

So to put things concrete, in a romantic relationship, a fixable problem might be different communication styles, fear of vulnerability, and unclear expectations, or bad habits that someone is actually willing to work on. And a rough season that both people are trying to move through honestly. Now, a romantic deal breaker, I mean, it's really dishonesty, manipulation, I mean, chronic disrespect, etc. Now, uh, when we look at friendship, same thing, because at the end of the day, it's a relationship between two or several people, right? So in friendship, a fixable problem might be drifting because of life changed. Maybe you had a baby or you moved, you you're not as available, but you're still there. And then hurt feelings that sometimes haven't been talked about. Now, a friendship deal breaker might be arbitrary or chronic one-sided.

Turning Insight Into Action

Jess K 12:08

That's the real distinction. Not everything painful is a sign to leave, but not everything painful is meant to be endured forever either. Up to this point, we've been talking about recognition, but recognition alone doesn't change a relationship. So I wanted Shelly to walk us through what happens after the awareness, how you move from insights into action.

Shelley Badayos 12:28

So the stages of change. First, you have to become aware of the pattern that you that you're noticing that you're doing. Because if you're not aware of it, you're not gonna change anything. Second is acceptance. Acceptance is the hardest part because we are our own worst enemy. We tend to basically sabotage our way out of out of changing something because we're not familiar with it, we're not used to it, and it's hard to get out of something that we're comfortable and familiar with, which is this is where you have to extend a lot of compassion to yourself. This is where you have to be your own like hype person, and this is where you have to honor what you really think and what you really feel. This is where we really dig deeper into the emotional aspect of it and the childhood aspect of it, because there's a lot that's going on here. And after that, we're gonna get to to basically to the root of the problem. Like, where have they learned this? Where did they come from? And understanding it more. And then after that, once we get to the root of that, that's when we start implementing action. Because what is the sense of things that you know if you don't embody and apply it? And this is where I hold them accountable to make sure that all of the dating tips and strategies that they're gonna get, they're not gonna talk them, talk the time themselves out of it. Yeah, exactly. So holding them accountable to that, like basically how to talk to women, how to escalate attraction, how not to get friend zone, what to say and how to sustain conversations and stuff like that.

The Friendship Formula Framework

Jess K 14:03

That's the part that so many of us miss. Action. Some of us are incredibly self-aware. We can explain the pattern, we can name the wound, we can tell our best friend exactly what's happening. We can even journal about it beautifully. But then we still keep repeating it. So before calling something unfixable, I think it helps to ask yourself these questions. Have I clearly named the issue? Have I actually said what I need? Have I set the boundary? Have I stopped overgiving? Have I given this relationship a real chance to repair? Because sometimes the problem is not that the relationship is broken, sometimes the problem is that no one's addressed what's broken directly. Repair is not hoping, repair is not mind reading, repair is not silent resentment. Repair is clarity, honesty, and changed behavior. And if none of that is possible, that gives you the information too.

Shelley Badayos 15:06

Have you guys ever heard of the friendship formula? I forgot who coined it, but it was um an I think a CIA or an FBI agent. I forgot. But basically, based from what they said, um, the friendship formula consists of four components. So it is frequency, proximity, duration, and intensity. So that's how you become friends with somebody. I also apply this in dating because this is also helpful in dating. So you know how like you start becoming friends with somebody when when you constantly see them, when they you guys are in the same area or in the same industry, or again, same work, same workplace. When you guys talk, the duration is talking in a long period of time, like let's say hanging outside of work or spending time outside of work. That's the duration, and intensity is sharing like very deep moments. Like you guys have gone through some sort of thing that like kind of like trauma bond, yeah, like deepened your bond or excessive amount of work, basically. So, what happens is when you basically move out your your work bestie moves out of another workplace, then it kind of ruins the proximity, the frequency, and yeah, and so that's why it's hard to kind of keep that relationship going unless you are becoming intentional about it. That's also another thing that you have to do.

Claude F 16:33

I really love this framework because it gives language to something people feel all the time. Sometimes the friendship didn't suddenly become less meaningful, sometimes the formula changed, right?

Jess K 16:47

What she's really naming here is a change in structure. The rhythm changed, the access changed, the built-in closeness changed. That does not automatically mean that the friendship stopped mattering.

Claude F 16:59

And that's why you can see the difference between a friendly uh co-worker and uh uh uh work bestie. The work bestie will stay with you even if you change jobs. With all those changes, it's easy to panic and think that this relationship totally is gone. But now it changed. And it's okay, it's just a different uh relationship. And if it can evolve with honesty and effort, there may be a fixable transition.

Five Questions To Decide

Jess K 17:31

And that's the real test. Can the relationship survive once convenience is gone? If yes, maybe you're looking at a transition. If no, maybe you're learning the connection was more seasonal than foundational. So if you're sitting with a relationship right now, romantic or platonic, and trying to figure out whether it's a fixable problem or a deal breaker, here are five questions to ask yourself. One, have you clearly named the issue or am I just sitting in resentment? Two, have I actually had the conversation, not hinted, not hoped, not assumed, actually said it? Three, has the other person shown a willingness to repair? Not just words, it's actual behaviors. Four, is the pattern changing or am I attached to the potential? Five, who do I become when I stay in the relationship? The last one matters so much. Do you become more honest, more grounded, more yourself, or do you become smaller, more anxious, more self-abandoning, more exhausted? Because sometimes the clearest answer is not what the relationship looks like from the outside. It's what it asks you to become in order to stay. And that is often where deal breakers reveal themselves. Do you think this is your your end game for your job, or do you think that you'll p continue to pivot?

Shelley Badayos 18:51

That is a good question, because this pattern I'm noticing for me. Every five years I start questioning your path. Okay. And then it's like I'm having like a sort of like reflection, right? I'm like, do I still want, do I still like what I'm doing right now? Do I still find it um fulfilling? Exactly. And if it's a no, then I it's either I find a way to make it more fulfilling or that's when I pivot.

Jess K 19:15

So here's your work bestie challenge for the week. Think about one relationship in your life that feels tender, confusing, straining, or unresolved right now. Could be romantic or platonic, and ask yourself these three things. What is the real issue? What would repair actually require? And what boundary were to protect your peace. Then take one honest action. Maybe that action is starting the conversation, maybe it's naming the boundary, maybe it's reaching back out, maybe it's stepping back. Because not everything is meant to be fixed, and not everything is meant to be abandoned either. Sometimes love asks for repair, sometimes it asks for honesty, sometimes it asks for distance, and yes, sometimes it asks for goodbye. So remember, work besties, keep supporting each other through these times. And we'll see you next week. Remember, whether you're swapping snacks in the break room, rescuing each other from endless meetings, or just sending that perfectly timed meme. Having a work bestie is like having your own personal hype squad.

Claude F 20:20

So keep lifting each other up, laughing through the chaos, and of course, thriving. Until next time, stay positive, stay productive, and don't forget to keep supporting each other.

Jess K 20:33

Work besties!