Santa in the Bushes and Other Lessons in Letting Go feat. Rebecca Link

What do falling holiday decorations, dirty dishes, and single parenthood have in common? For Rebecca Link, they became unexpected metaphors for letting go of perfection, surviving the unimaginable, and rewriting the rules of leadership.

In this episode, Rebecca gets real about grief, toxic positivity, and what it actually takes to rebuild after everything changes. From therapy breakthroughs to the surprising power of delegation, she unpacks the invisible standards we chase and how to finally put them down.

If you've ever felt like you’re failing at an impossible game, this one’s for you.

Key Takeaways:

• Perfection is a myth - especially in grief, parenting, and leadership.
  Letting go of unrealistic expectations (like fixing Santa in the bushes) creates space for what actually matters.
• Delegation isn’t just a productivity tool - it’s a survival skill.
  Sometimes you’re not just offloading tasks, you’re reclaiming mental capacity and teaching others to step up.
• You don’t need to bounce back fast.
  Whether you’re dipping, swimming, or soaking in the “pool” of hard emotions, the magic happens when you stop pretending everything’s fine and start redefining what’s enough.

Key Moments:

00:00 Introduction and Guest Welcome
00:24 Rebecca's Origin Story
02:24 Navigating Trauma and Toxic Positivity
03:13 Challenges of Motherhood and Work-Life Balance
06:09 Coping with Loss and Redefining Life
14:00 Delegation and Leadership Insights
21:31 Finding Support and Resources
25:11 Conclusion and Contact Information

It's time to say "goodbye" to the Sunday Scaries.

Connect with Alyssa
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Transcript

0:00

Hey everyone. Welcome back to taking Back Monday. I am so excited that you decided to say goodbye to the Sunday scaries and hello to a brand new future of work, and I'm even more excited to introduce you to my new friend, Rebecca. Rebecca, welcome to the show. Thanks so much. I'm so happy to be here. So longtime listeners will know my, I always open with the same question because I just get such interesting stories out of it. So I'm gonna ask you our signature question. What is your origin story? Oh, that's, uh, that is a loaded question for sure. Um, I mean obviously like everybody, it's like a culmination of events throughout my life, um, but something that, uh, it's an unfortunate reality that I personally have experienced, um, significant trauma throughout my life. And while, while that is a sad way to start this conversation, um, it really has significantly impacted and shaped, um, who I am today because. There's nothing like, uh, you know, getting kind of bitch slapped with, with some truth and reality. And life is not always roses and a walk in the park. And, um, some people, uh, get dealt different cards and I think that when we're able to recognize and realize that we all kind of have our own stories and our own walks in this existence, um, it helps us be better leaders and more effective just humans. To have that empathy. And unfortunately, it, it sometimes is born from traumatic experiences or just significant life events that really just kind of jar you in a way that make you see the world differently and see people differently. Um, I think the, the humanistic elements that make each of us who we are as individuals are insanely important and so. My origin story, um, like I said, is, is a, a, a number of, um, you know, significant events. But the one that really shaped me and that we'll touch on, I think in this conversation today is I lost my husband four and a half years ago. Um, my daughter was 18 months old and my son had just turned four. Um, I have always had a high profile career and it really, um, fundamentally changed. Who I am and how I approach life across the board. Right. Um, it's, and there's so many to what I call toxic positivity like statements where it's like, oh, you can't pour from an empty cup and self care and work life balance. And that's all a bunch of bullshit because those are. Things that are conditioned to make you feel like you're supposed to be meeting some bar. And I'm here to tell you that the bar doesn't exist. It's what you create and what you need and want it to be, and you have full control over that. So my origin has kind of been this whole approach to redesigning and defining myself as a person. And, um, it's, it's been a journey that's for sure. I think I hear a lot of people talk about, you know, various degrees of trauma, right. And it's, it's how you come out of it. Rather than how you sit in it, right? So I love that you call out the toxic PO positivity. Um, so like I had, I had a baby, it was a semi traumatic birth. It didn't go well. He ended up in the nicu. It was a whole thing and it was very stressful and I was struggling really hard as a new mom. Like all of those expectations that you get put. You get in your head and then you're just disappointed for something that was never real.'cause nobody, I, I joke nobody tells you the truth about what it's like to have kids. It's hard. Right. And I had a baby who had some difficulties and he was just a tough baby. Like my daughter was entirely different. My, my son, my firstborn, like he was tough, wanted to. Only be held, only be held a certain way and you weren't allowed to sit while you were holding him otherwise. He would just like lose his shit. Um, and so I went to back, back to work fairly quickly and I was so happy at work because I was back to who I was pre-baby. Like I loved my job, I loved my business. I was an entrepreneur. I was building something I cared about, and I felt so much judgment from everyone around me for. You know, not sleeping with baby sleeps and not like filling, pouring from an empty cup that I felt that one so hard. But I was happy at work and that was okay. Um, but you know, that guilt of, of feeling like, well, I'm not doing it right. I'm doing all the wrong things and I'm not, you know, I'm not every woman. I can't have it all right. And I think that's really hard and something that we have to come to terms with. And you telling me that it'll all work out and it'll be fine, isn't helpful. No. And, and no matter what anybody says to you about, you know, an experience, we all experience things differently, you know, and so the best we can do is just share, you know, what we've been through and, and have that kind of empathy. But I. Assigning, you know, an expectation or a responsibility to someone that may have, you know, maybe apples to oranges is, does no, nothing but harm. And so the new mom thing is especially aggressive, like that's its own vibe and that was terrible. Yeah. I was in one of those mom groups on Facebook and I had to leave'cause it was so toxic in there. Yeah, like story for another day. But I, I found it so miserable out there that I started my, ironically on Facebook, I started my own moms group and it got so big that I actually have my own nonprofit now because I was so, like, I was so disappointed with how we were treating each other and how new moms were not supported. And the whole premise of our group is don't be an asshole. You can, you know, organic, not organic, breastfed, bottle fed. No one cares. Like, just, it, it's, it's been this competitive thing. So I feel you, I'll have to extend you an invitation to the, to our healthy group. I love it. But to that point though, you know, you talked about something pretty traumatic, like spouse loss and having young children and, and having a high profile career. How did, how did you start to dig yourself out of that trauma and turn it into something that you could do something with? Yeah, well, I mean, to be clear, you never dig yourself out of that trauma because there are constant daily reminders. Um, you know, like this morning my kids are at Spring Break camp and they're going swimming, and so I had to pack both air bags with all their swim stuff, and there's no one there to help you do that. And it's this constant reminder of like, you're, you're alone. Like this is all you, you know? Um, my son just got invited to full day AP, um, class program next year and I have no one to celebrate that with. So there's like all these reminders. Um, the first year is like a wash'cause you're just in shock and like. You know, I, I, I personally became pretty manic and, um, I was like going to the gym and like lifting super heavy every day. I probably drank a lot more than I normally drank. It was, it was a rough year and you're just kind of trying to settle in. Um, but you're really kind of going through and, and regardless, let's take like the, my specific situation off the table, right? When you have a, a life event that jars you in the way that that does. You know, and, and grief is not linear or, or processing something is not linear. You kind of bounce around through all this stuff, but throughout that you are redesigning and redefining who you are, what matters to you. You're establishing new boundaries, whether that be in, you know, like if you're gonna try dating again or, or even with your children or with your family, um, or what projects do you take on, like, I do a lot of volunteering and. For me saying no was a, a learning lesson of like, wow, like I can't realistically have all this on my plate anymore and still be a, a good mom and still have time to take care of myself and, and self care. I mean, that's, you have to, when is there time for, for me to care for myself and so you really have to learn to rebalance and recalibrate. Um, and, and that makes, um, you know, room for, for tough decisions sometimes. And I mean, even with the kids, like there's only one of me. And so if somebody needs help with something, like you're gonna have to wait or go do it. You have two arms and two legs, go do it yourself. We are a very independent, focused household. Um, but then also like, oh my gosh, like they got invited to birthday parties on the same day, and how the hell am I gonna do that? So it's a lot of weird stuff, but. I think the magic, um, comes with that same, what we started out with is where, what is this bar? Right? Because I think, at least for me, so I had to do a bunch of therapy. Um, I. Cognitive behavioral therapy after Ryan passed because I, I, I was like short circuiting. I was like, how can I do all these things? Um, and it was around, so he passed away in August and that like late August. Then we went right into like Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas and all these like big decorative celebratory type events, especially for kids. And by, by around Christmas time, I was in full blown panic attack, like literally medicated panic attack mode. It was scary. Um, and so I entered into this therapy program and we, you know, through our conversations, I don't know how it came about. And so I'm not really doing a service thing, but I decorate, like I'm, I'm that crazy person that would like decorate for all holidays and like, we're the party house. Like we're, we're always doing stuff. And so my outside, I have all these Christmas decorations and I have this like sparkly light up Santa and the wind or whatever, like he would always like fall into the bushes. And I was telling my therapist, I was like, you know, I was always compelled, like if I was driving outta the house or leaving like, and I saw Santa in the bushes, like I had to go fix Santa. And she was like, and, and the same thing can be replaced for like dishes in the sink. And you feeling like you have to, like, the same thing about being the mom, right? Like, oh my God, like I have to buy the best things. I have to be, you know, co-sleeping or whatever, fill in the and if it's not working, it's your fault. Right. Like, and then like, so my, my thought process, she was like, what is it about Santa? And I was like, well, the kids deserve like this magical Christmas, and what will the neighbors think? And they know my situation that my husband died, and they're gonna be like, oh, look at that poor woman with her house and disarray because Santa's in the fucking bushes. But that's what my brain was telling me. Right. I was actually behaving because of those completely unrealistic thoughts with some bar that was set by not me that I was trying to constantly meet, and it was psychotic. I mean, it's psychotic when you say it out loud, right. But how many times, like we do this in our, so obviously you're trauma, more trauma than most people really have to deal with, but we see this same pattern circulate. In every aspect of our lives. Think about like the coworkers that you have that just get it in their head about the PowerPoint slides. I had someone on the podcast a couple months ago who was like, we create these artificial deadlines, but in reality, nobody's dying if we don't hit this time. And I'm like, oh my God. That's why it's called a deadline, right? Like this is our absolute have to have it done, and yet someone is freaking out because we have to send this email through 55 approvals. And it's an internal email that nobody's actually gonna read. Yeah, it's it's hustle. Culture and it's killing us. Um, and it's pervasive throughout all aspects of our life. And I mean, social media has been a huge negative influence on that because it's like, you know, and, and I, I'm guilty, right? Go look at my Facebook and I look like this, like perfect mom and me and the kids are doing all this shit and like, whatever. But really I yell a lot. And I feel like I'm constantly failing and my Santa is falling in the bushes and like I am, you know, I am a normal person. And I think that's, we need to normalize just like mediocracy because that's enough, right? Like where, so I, the bar has become something that I, for me personally in my kind of therapeutic journey is like. Figuring out who's when, when you feel compelled to, to behave a certain way or to do something or that thought that's in your brain, who put that there? Is it you? Is it a personal goal of yours? Is this something that you need and want to improve and that you wanna invest energy and time and effort into? Then yes. Like put that on your vision board, girl. Get it done. Like make, you know, like. Make that a reality. But if it's some other expectation that was put there by society or someone other entity or person, that is not worth your spoons. Have you ever heard that before? Do you have any what does that spoons to give? Yeah. If you don't have spoons to give that, I don't know. I picked that up somewhere and I think it's catchy. Um, but yeah, I mean it's really all about what you can funnel that energy into and if it's not serving you, then. Well, and making. The choice to actually decide what is for you versus what is for someone else. Because sometimes I feel like I'm just kind of going along with the plan, right? Okay, well I do this first and then I do this, and then I do that. And not necessarily thinking about it as a strategic decision process of what I'm going to do next, but rather let the the world, my career, my business, happen to me rather than happen for me. Hmm. I like that too. Yeah, and I think delegation is something that is often overlooked, especially like in if we're gonna like talk about leadership too. Um, you know, be, if you are like me and you had struggled with that kind of overachiever mindset or that you have to do all the things all the time, um, setting those boundaries for yourself too can be really difficult. And learning how to delegate. Um, can be really, uh, surprisingly challenging for people because I sometimes it's like, well, I can do it faster myself, or I, you know, I have, have a certain way that I like to do things and so I'm just gonna do this. Um, but delegation doesn't always have to be to a person either. Delegation can be to another day, to another time, and it's like, I don't have, like, this is not, it's prioriti prioritization, right? Like, this is not something that I have to do today. Leaving the dishes in the sink. I to, I like mentioned that that was a real thing for me too, because the negative voice in my head was like, you're a terrible mother. Your house is unclean. Look at you like you're, you don't have it together. Um, and so I remember the first day that I left the dishes in the sink overnight from dinner. And you know what I did the next morning I immediately ran downstairs and did the dishes because I was like, ha. But now, like it's taken time. And not that I leave dirty dishes in my sink very long, 'cause I still don't. But I would walk by that sink of dirty dishes and that negative voice would say, look what you're doing. You How dare you fail dare you. Yeah. But we do that, you know, and that can translate into our work too. So we have to be, if you have that kind of mindset, we have to be very aware of that thought process that we've been conditioned.'cause it's conditioned, it's a habit and you have to kind of untrain yourself. And it's not so much as going through the activity of leaving the dishes in the sink. It's the ability to walk by said sink of dishes and not have that voice yell at you. Or seeing Santa in the bushes and laughing about it. And making can go fix ventilator if you want to, but we're not screeching the car to a halt and jumping out and going to fix him like we used to. Making the choice to decide that, right? And not just saying, oh, I have to do it because of whatever reason, but understanding and unpacking why you've made those choices. Yeah. I have kind of an interesting, a different take from my own struggles with delegation 'cause I'm terrible at it. Um, so it's not for me. It's not that I don't believe that someone else can do it better. Um, I just am apparently a fricking martyr when it comes to my work, and what I've found is it's not that I'm not delegating because. Or I'm not, not delegating because I don't think someone else can do it or it has to be done my way, but I don't want anyone else to suffer. So I guess I'll work 70 hours a week so everybody else can work 32. And like in my mind, I'm thinking as a leader, okay, I'm doing the right thing. I'm taking care of my people, but at my own expense, right? And I'm not giving them the opportunities to have ownership or grow in the same way that I've been afforded up to this point. And so when, as soon as I realized that like. You're not being a good leader, you're just being a martyr. Right. Then I had to start looking at what I was doing and saying, am I doing this because I truly wanna do it, or am I doing it because I don't want anyone else to feel inconvenienced by my existence. Right. And that's a very like people pleaser thing that I didn't even realize was manifesting in my delegation. Yeah. We do it to our children too. Mm-hmm. think there's a term for that now. It's called like a he helicopter parent or something. My husband will be like, Alyssa, I can hear your blades whirring from over here. Like, put 'em away. I'll be like, I'll be like, you don't have to call me out like that. Oh, that's so funny. But I mean, we do it to our kids too, and we're not doing them a service because we're not teaching them those independent life skills when we're constantly like swooping in and me do it for you. I'll just do it for you. Yeah. Well you wanna save them from failure and from heartache and like from all those things. But man, like that's. Kind of, you know, what we are talking about is like, you know, your, your origin story and what has shaped you to become the person that you are. And so how do you wanna shape these people, whether it's a, a direct report or whether it's your children or whatever. I mean, I think leadership takes a lot of different forms and if you have made your way into leadership in your career. I mean, sure there are some people that end up in roles happenstance or that maybe that, you know, friend of a friend and you're, now you're in charge of things. Um, and maybe not always qualified or or good, but a lot of people I think have natural leadership abilities. And unfortunately, I also think I'm gonna say it, I think that some of our toxic traits. Actually lend themselves. So like I can multitask like a psychopath, like I am able to juggle a ridiculous amount of stuff. And maybe that's why the universe dealt me the cards that it did. Um, because it's like, you, we know you can hand, I'm like a cockroach. Like I'm so resilient. Like I'm never, like, you can't, I'm gonna survive. Um, I'd love a break universe. Like if we could just slow it down a little bit, that'd be great. Um, but you know, I think that there's magic in, like you said, kind of, I, I, I, I struggle with the, you know, it's not, it's not, what did you say? It's not how you, um, it's not how hard you fall, but it's like how you get back up. I, I hate that, by the way. Um, 'cause no, it, it is how you fall too, right? Like, I call it sitting in the pool. This is what I, this is my analogy. Sometimes it's a quick dip and I'm gonna go and I'm gonna be miserable, or I'm gonna like be upset, or I'm gonna have a moment. Sometimes it is a leisurely swim and I'm gonna be in the pool and I'm gonna have my time and I'm gonna be nasty, angry, I'm gonna be crying or whatever. Whatever that looks like, um, shut, shut out from the world. Or sometimes it is a soak. Right. And when you lose a spouse, it's a, it's a soak, right? You're in that pool, you're, more wave pool than Lazy for we're pruny in the pool. Um, and, and so there's different kinds of moments in time, and I think there's importance in knowing what your needs are when you fall, right? It's not about getting back, like how fast?'cause like, here, here's my, like, get out, get outta that pool, suck it up. Because we're so hard on ourselves, but instead, even just sitting with those feelings and being in that uncomfortable shitty moment is super important too. Because honestly, I think that's where the magic happens, because that's when you devise your plan and you're reshaping, recalibrating, making that new version of you before you can get out. So, you know, yes, getting out is important. Don't ever stay in the pool. Um, because that's, you know, and if you are stuck in the pool, get help. Right. That's why I did some therapy.'cause I, I needed it. I was in a real bad place and that's okay. I was okay. This is hard. All of this is wildly hard, but sit in that pool. I love that. And, and you know, I think that we kind of talked about it at the beginning, and normally I close with the question of like, I'm thinking of all the incredible people that you've had a chance to meet. Um, but you know, I. Sometimes it's just trying to find community and resources and, and connections in the world around you. So if we are looking to get outta the pool, or looking to be inspired, or trying to reconnect with ourselves and who we are and who we wanna be, who else should we be talking to, listening to, paying attention to? Yeah, I am not the right person for that question. Um, and I think because I, I have developed, um, hyper independence, uh, you know, through all of Are you a first daughter by chance? A I am, I'm the oldest Okay. Me too. you know, I'm an eighties baby. So, you know, we, I, we, we were an entire micro generation. Um, so yeah, um, very independent. And so asking for help and seeking out help is not my forte. So, um, however, I do have a podcast that I like. It's called Coaching for Leaders with Dave, and I'm not gonna stacho Stacho. I butchered the last name guaranteed. Um, but episode number 7 22, I'm really, I had pulled it up so I didn't misquote it, but this really resonated with me. I actually listened to it recently. Um, it was with a, a guest named Rebecca, so, you know, it's good. Um, but it's called where to start in survival mode. And obviously it's geared for leaders, but it's kind of talking about, you know, from a, in a professional setting. When you're building things or when you've got a lot going on and it's like, how do we navigate this? And I think especially with all the changes like I work, um, I'm government adjacent and so it's, it's, uh, a wild one out there right now. Um, so very much kind of survival mode. And again, even taking the principles and things that we talked about today about redefining, recalibrating, reshaping, strategies, approaches, um, and that can be anything from. You know, like right now I'm building a, a high performing team and that is it. It takes a lot of effort and energy. Um, I'm redesigning processes. We're, we're, you know, being strategic about what accounts and what customers we wanna focus on within the, the federal space. And we've had to reshape and reshift that aggressively quickly. Quickly, because the landscape has totally turned on its head. Um, but episode 7 22, where to start in survival mode. Um, got a lot of really interesting perspective from a business standpoint and personal approach standpoint from that. Um, and really just kind of utilizing any, any resources to kind of get those brain juices flowing, I think helps me out and I find them in very odd places. Um, so I think being aware and always kind of being open to possibilities, if there's anything that trauma teaches you, is to expect the unexpected and to always. And it, it's the fight or flight, which is not always healthy. But I am the most open-minded person. I am always looking for opportunities or, or aware of doors that might open a crack or new relationships that present themselves. And really just kind of open yourself and your mind up to possibilities. And I think when you're able to internalize that, um, as a value and belief system as an individual, and then also share that as a leader. Um, it just leads to, um, just wonderful opportunities and, and growth as a person and a professional. Awesome. Rebecca. If someone is really connecting with you, they want to learn more about you, your journey, or just hang out and chat, where can they find you online? Yeah, I would love that so much. I do a lot of public speaking, so I'm always happy to participate in activities, um, where my needs and my experience aligns to others. LinkedIn is probably the best place to find me. Um, and my pro, my profile's pretty, uh, pretty, uh, colorful, I'll put it that way. I talk a lot about ai, I talk a lot about procurement in the federal space and also personal and professional growth. So I look forward to connecting with many people. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for taking back Monday with me. Thank you. I appreciate your time.