Episode 2: Shame, Lies and Receiving Good Things

Dive into Episode 2 of our podcast, where Amy Redbird and Theresa Benson embark on a heartfelt exploration of self-acceptance, the shadows of beauty standards, and the journey toward embracing our authentic selves. 

In this episode, we peel back the layers of vulnerability, shame, and the intricate relationship we have with our appearance. Through candid conversations about cosmetic procedures, the haunting desire not to resemble a past abuser, and the transformative power of therapeutic practices, Amy and Theresa offer a compassionate, insightful look at the struggles and triumphs of self-acceptance. 

Join us as we delve into personal anecdotes, laughter, and the occasional tear, underscoring the importance of kindness, healing, and the courage to face our deepest fears. 

Whether you're navigating your own path of self-discovery or seeking understanding and connection, this episode promises a compelling blend of humor, honesty, and profound revelations. Tune in to find solace, inspiration, and perhaps a piece of your own story reflected in ours.

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Transcript

In Episode 2, Amy Redbird and Theresa Benson delve into the complex emotions surrounding self-acceptance, the impact of physical appearance on self-esteem, and the struggle with internalized shame. The conversation starts with a light-hearted discussion about feeling like a "jelly roll" and quickly transitions into deeper topics like the difficulty of receiving compliments, the pressure of societal beauty standards, and the personal challenges both hosts have faced in their lives. Amy shares her recent cosmetic procedure, motivated by her desire not to resemble her abusive mother, revealing the profound psychological impact of her appearance changing with age. This disclosure leads to a broader conversation about the root causes of shame, the difficulty of accepting kindness, and the journey towards healing and self-acceptance. They explore various therapeutic processes, including Internal Family Systems (IFS), dynamic neural retraining systems, and the importance of meditation in managing PTSD and trauma responses. The episode is a candid and insightful exploration of the complexities of self-perception, the impact of trauma, and the path to self-compassion and healing.

Psychological Approaches and/or Authors

The transcript covers various psychological approaches and mentions several authors and theories relevant to the conversation:

Lydia Yuknavitch - Mentioned for her personal experiences and insights into the difficulty of accepting kindness, especially from the perspective of someone who has experienced significant trauma. An excerpt from her book (The Chronology of Water) is referenced to illustrate the profound impact of not feeling deserving of kindness.

Pete Walker - Author of "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," highlighted for his work on complex post-traumatic stress disorder and how true intimacy and closeness can trigger painful emotional flashbacks, reminiscent of the lack of comforting, care, and connection in childhood.

Bessel van der Kolk - Noted for his seminal work "The Body Keeps the Score," which explores how trauma is stored in the body and affects the nervous system. His thoughts on trauma's impact on personal relationships and self-perception are mentioned, particularly in the context of cosmetic procedures and the internal struggle with self-image.

John Bowlby - Recognized for developing attachment theory, which is briefly discussed in relation to Bessel van der Kolk's work and the broader conversation on trauma and healing.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) - A therapeutic approach mentioned as part of the personal healing journey, focusing on working with different parts of oneself to achieve greater self-understanding and healing.

Dynamic Neural Retraining System (DNRS) - Discussed as a method used by one of the speakers to manage and retrain their brain and nervous system responses to trauma, emphasizing the importance of daily practices to maintain a healthy nervous system.

Peter Levine - Although not detailed in the excerpts provided, his work on somatic experiencing and trauma recovery is acknowledged in conjunction with the discussion on healing and the nervous system.

Key Topics Discussed

• The psychological impact of trauma, particularly related to family dynamics and self-image.
• The struggle with accepting kindness and good things due to underlying feelings of unworthiness and shame.
• The role of cosmetic procedures in coping with trauma and the desire to maintain a certain appearance.
• The importance of therapeutic approaches like IFS and DNRS in managing trauma and fostering healing.
• The significance of daily practices, such as meditation, in maintaining mental health and a sense of safety within one's body.
• The exploration of attachment theory in understanding personal relationships and healing from trauma.

Personal Experiences

The personal experiences mentioned in the recording span a range of deeply emotional and transformative moments in the speaker's life. Here's a summary of the key personal experiences discussed:

Facing Beauty and Aging Pressures
The speaker discusses societal and self-imposed pressures related to beauty, aging, and maintaining appearance. They share their struggle with accepting kindness and the deep-seated feelings of unworthiness and shame that arise from past trauma.

Cosmetic Procedures as Coping Mechanisms
They detail their decision to undergo non-invasive cosmetic procedures, like laser treatments, to manage their appearance. This decision is influenced by a desire not to resemble their mother, who caused them significant emotional harm.

Sibling Rivalry and Parental Influence
The speaker reflects on the complicated relationship with their sister, exacerbated by their mother's behavior, leading to jealousy, lost friendships, and ultimately, estrangement.

Trauma from Resembling a Traumatic Parent
They express emotional distress over beginning to resemble their mother, who was a source of trauma in their life. This resemblance triggers a profound emotional response and exacerbates feelings of trauma and shame.

Struggles with Self-Image and Rejection
The speaker shares past experiences of feeling rejected due to their appearance and not fitting into conventional standards of beauty. They recount an incident from youth as a rare moment of feeling desired, highlighting the rarity of such experiences in their life.

Healing and Personal Growth
The speaker discusses their journey towards healing, including overcoming the instinct to reject kindness and learning to accept support from friends and loved ones. They talk about the importance of internal family systems work and dynamic neural retraining systems in their recovery process, emphasizing the need for daily practices to maintain mental and nervous system health.

Acceptance and Vulnerability
They candidly share their ongoing struggle with vulnerability and accepting good things in their life, attributed to a lifetime of trauma and conditioned responses.

Financial and Emotional Autonomy
The speaker discusses the significance of making independent, authentic decisions free from financial insecurity and societal expectations, stressing the importance of saying no to things that don't feel right.

Shame and Appearance
The recording touches on the theme of shame related to both physical appearance and deeper feelings of self-worth, including the speaker's reflections on keeping up appearances and the internal conflict it creates.