Diary of a Matchmaker

When Can a Father’s Wilayah Be Taken Away?

• Halal Match • Episode 56

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What do you do when your dad turns into a one-man dating app filter… and swipes left on everyone? In this episode we’re talking about something major: when your father’s wilayah (guardianship) can actually be removed. Yep, it’s a thing, and it’s not taken lightly.

We’re diving into real stories, like the woman who aged out of her prime while her parents waited for Mr. Perfect Ethnic Match, and another whose mom basically ran the rejection department. We break down what wilayah is really supposed to be, how it's misused, and what to do if you're stuck in a no-win situation. 

Hit download if you’ve ever wondered: Is this protection… or control? And send this to a friend who's been “almost married” 17 times.

Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker

SPEAKER_03:

You're 30. You finally met someone who ticks all your boxes. He's practicing, he's stable, he's kind, and you feel ready. But then your dad takes one look at him and says, absolutely not. No solid reason that makes sense. Just no. And this isn't the first time. You've been here before. So now you're wondering, is this what getting married will be like? Assalamualaikum, I'm Hiba.

SPEAKER_01:

And I'm Zaid.

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You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker. A

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podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

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We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

SPEAKER_01:

So let's dive in. Bismillah. Assalamualaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host Hiba. Assalamualaikum. So I'm sure you guys have all heard the famous ayahs that reference obedience to your parents. It's in Surah Isra in the first quarter of the 15th Juz. And we've heard it over and over again. I've heard it all my life in khutbahs. I've heard it in halaqas. You don't say as much as uf to your parents. You take care of them just like they took care of you when you were young. But what gets swept under the rug oftentimes is cases of injustice and abuse. Now, I'm not talking about the kind of domestic abuse, but in the context of marriage. We've been seeing a lot of these cases. Yes, they are rare and extreme cases, but they do come up in our discovery calls. So, alhamdulillah, we finally decided to sit down and review those cases and dedicate an episode to this.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. So today we're talking about the father who says no to everyone based on just bogus reasons, you could say, and what you can do in these situations.

SPEAKER_01:

The common reasons we hear from girls that are complaining about this is that the guy is either of a different race or doesn't speak the same language or a different culture. Doesn't make enough money. Doesn't make enough money. Doesn't have a high enough education. All reasons that are not necessarily grounded in our deen.

SPEAKER_03:

Now, the problem is that a girl can't marry without her wali, without her father's permission. So today we're talking about wilaya and which situations that wilaya can be removed from an oppressive father.

SPEAKER_01:

So what is wilaya, Dr.

SPEAKER_03:

Saadi? Dr. Saadi, I'm not a doctor yet. Inshallah,

SPEAKER_01:

one day she's going to pursue her PhD.

SPEAKER_03:

Inshallah. But yeah, alhamdulillah, I did go to University of Jordan, studied sharia there, and then I did my masters in Tafsir, so even though I'm not a scholar, I'm not a stranger to the field. The reason I'm saying this, I'm stating this, is because we're discussing a sensitive topic today. So what is wilaya? Wilaya in marriage is the Islamic principle that a woman, a woman's guardian, usually her father, is responsible for ensuring she marries someone who's suitable and that the process is conducted responsibly and Islamically. So you could see that wilaya is actually a protection and it's not a prison. It's a responsibility and it's not a privilege. And what happens when it gets abused?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so it's a good question. Let's unpack that. Why is he saying no? Why is the father saying no? Not every rejection is oppressive. I'm sure fathers don't come with an ill intention saying, no, I just want to keep my daughter with me for the rest of my life. Like Rapunzel. Rapunzel. But when every man is being rejected or dismissed, It's time to ask important questions. Is it about control? Is it about status? Is it race? Is it tribe? Is it culture? What is the reason? Or

SPEAKER_03:

maybe they want to keep her so she takes care of them in their old age, which is utter selfishness.

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It is, and that's really screwed up. Is he afraid of losing control? Right? Men can be very controlling. Yeah. Does he have unrealistic expectations? right the guy has to be a specialist in a certain field and he

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has to be either a doctor or an engineer

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yes is it and this one's important is the disapproval rooted in culture or religion right so those questions are really important to ask and we're not and I want to say this from the get-go and I'm going to say this again we're not saying that if your dad says no to a guy you immediately saying okay I'm going to remove your wilaya you know longer my holy we're not suggesting that yeah there are steps and these are extreme situations and ultimately we do not want you to ever sever your relationship with your parents

SPEAKER_03:

but even though you know that's strange even though they're extreme they are not as uncommon as i thought they would be we've been coming across them more times than we would have hoped for

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I mean, who knows? Maybe this has been happening for generations and now it's just like we're just seeing it for the first time. Maybe. But yeah, we saw a case come through in the UK. We saw a case come through in Canada. Another

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European country.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, a case in Europe. So it is pretty widespread.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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So many women in these situations, they don't know what to do. Should they wait? Should they push? Should they involve others? Or if things get worse, should they even consider removing their father's wilaya? And this episode is for those women who are asking, am I doing something wrong or is there something wrong being done to me?

SPEAKER_01:

So each situation, each circumstance is different. And we're not going to give some sort of blanket fatwa. Number one, we're not qualified to give fatwas. And even if we were, we wouldn't just give some sort of blanket fatwa to everybody. Everybody's circumstance is different. And the goal should always be to secure the relationship between you and your father. So... when should you consider escalating it? When has it gotten to a point where you think, okay, I should involve a third party? And that's a good question because number one, you should never jump to removing wilayah. And at the same time, you shouldn't pretend it's not an option, right? Because alhamdulillah, our deen is so flexible and the fact that there is allowance for that shows that Allah is aware of the fact that responsibility and power can get abused. Yeah. Right? So he's given us an outlet.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. Allah will never accept any type of injustice, whether it's being done to a daughter or a parent, any human or an animal, even an animal. Like a woman entered Jahannam because she abused a dog. So let alone when a father abuses his daughter.

SPEAKER_01:

so the question I asked before is when should you start taking this idea of removing the wilayah seriously number one as a girl are you an adult has there been a consistent pattern of rejections based on reasons that are not rooted in Islam are the proposals that are coming from guys that are financially able to take on the responsibility of marriage are of a suitable character these questions need to be kind of addressed

SPEAKER_03:

another sign to look for is do others see what you see or maybe you're being completely acting out of emotions and not thinking reasonably

SPEAKER_01:

Right. Or is he also threatening you, shaming you, trying to emotionally manipulate you?

SPEAKER_03:

You're no longer my daughter. I will disown you. Which is, by the way, if a parent says you will no longer be my daughter or my son, they could say that a hundred times. It would never change the fact that you are their daughter. He is your father.

SPEAKER_01:

for sure yeah uh let's share some specific examples okay so the first one is of a girl from the from the uk i'm going to change her name to farah and she was a girl in her 40s and she had been trying to get married for a long time and her parents were not only restrictive of the culture, but also wanted her to get married to someone within the family, extended family, obviously. And obviously, she didn't find anybody compatible under the restrictions that her parents put. And she got to a point where her parents just pretty much gave up and said that they don't really care if she gets married or not, which is so sad and really boiled our blood because... the prime years of her life got wasted. And naturally, it's difficult, especially for women, to get married in their 40s. She's beyond the traditional or normal childbearing age. And for her to find a compatible spouse at that age is, quite frankly, very, very challenging, if not impossible.

SPEAKER_03:

And despite all of this, she still doesn't want to... like move away from her parents because she wants to take care of them at their old age yeah so which is amazing and all her siblings are married all her siblings are married as children and she's the one who wants to get the reward of taking care of her parents

SPEAKER_01:

so we i remember you had to put some sense into her about that

SPEAKER_03:

yes um yes

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people are the sensitive way i mean you weren't trying to like sever the relationship with her parents but at the same time you were trying to put some sense into her about her Islamic right

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especially that she has siblings she has brothers which is by the way the responsibility of taking care of old parents it's upon the brothers not the sisters

SPEAKER_01:

despite the fact that they're married

SPEAKER_03:

yes despite of course yeah and so like on one hand I highly admire her because she was she's able to be so selfless and like take care of her family her parents after what they did to her but at the same time is she thinking rationally or is she just thinking emotionally and like because the last thing you want to do is for someone to subconsciously their misunderstanding of the deen or their romanticizing perception of the deen ends up manipulating them or hurting them on the long term

SPEAKER_01:

right and another extreme kind of mindset with that is girls might be thinking oh Allah Allah has a different plan for me he doesn't want me to get married it's not meant to be it's not my nasib and they don't even think about the what their parents are doing to them or the fact that they have the option of seeking a third party to um To transfer wilayah. Yes. Right? Because, like, they have this weird twisted understanding of Islam. It's like, oh, it's not nasib. Oh, it's nasib. I'm just not meant to get married. Well, no. Like, you also have... control over your destiny to an extent, right? Yes. So it's important that you don't have your understanding of the deen twisted.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. And in this specific case, the lady did everything. She reached out to matchmakers. She did events, like asked people to recommend her. She's social. She meets people. But at this age, it's becoming very difficult for her. And who to blame?

SPEAKER_01:

The

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parents. Daddy and mommy.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So let's talk about example number two.

SPEAKER_03:

So example number two is completely different. In this case, it's the mother. This mother was a matriarch. She was the leader of the family and she pretty much controlled her husband. Anything she says, anything she wants happens. And the father failed to fulfill his part as a leader. and in this case she was blocking uh her daughter from getting married for what reasons superficial reasons he doesn't have enough money to throw a lavish wedding he doesn't have a master's degree um He's not an engineer doctor. Exactly. And the daughter was 35, reached 35. And it became this mental manipulation, emotional manipulation. And even the mother threatened that she will disown her daughter if she marries behind her back. Not behind her back, if she marries against her will. And the father, he just does as he told. Which is... So sad. So sad, exactly.

SPEAKER_01:

I know we're sounding judgmental, but I don't care.

SPEAKER_03:

Honestly, like this one, I wanted to punch the screen. Like there are so many more details to this that we're not going to share, but... Like she was asking, the girl was asking if like, what should she do? She doesn't want to anger her mother. She doesn't want to go against her mother. But the suitors were extremely compatible. And still the mother is saying no. So in this case, the father's wilaya could be removed because he failed to fulfill his will. his responsibility and he's letting the mother just control everything and there are an option to remove the wilaya which we're going to talk about

SPEAKER_01:

right like how do we do that we'll get into that in a bit example number three So in this call, which we were just reviewing before we started recording, I could see myself getting visibly upset. It got to the point where I just stopped midway through the call and I said, okay, we need to unpack a lot of these things. And I just started giving her advice and was being very blunt with her. So we'll call this girl, what's her name? Yasmeen. Okay, let's call her Yasmeen. She is Arab in her mid-30s, lives in Canada. very successful, pretty girl, fluent in English, and was telling us that First of all, she just started looking in her mid-30s, which was a problem I had to address.

SPEAKER_03:

This was her first attempt.

SPEAKER_01:

This was her first attempt. And the other problem that was a red flag for me was the fact that she kept saying, oh, I'm so busy. Yeah, I'm extremely busy. I'm extremely busy with work. I'm extremely busy with this, that, and the other. And that's when I had to stop her and I said... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So there were multiple barriers.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, so they were not open to somebody from outside of the sub-ethnicity. So Arabs, we come from different backgrounds, different countries, but they wanted someone from the specific country and let alone someone who's not Arab. which is extremely difficult in Canada in her specific province with low number of Muslims to begin with. If this was Ontario, it would be slightly easier. So that was one layer of difficulty. The second layer, like you mentioned, they were absolutely against her seeking help. She has to wait for the nasib to come.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't understand this about your culture. It

SPEAKER_01:

really annoys

SPEAKER_03:

me. We don't seek help. suitors we don't seek marriage marriage seeks us wow so entitled so entitled so backward

SPEAKER_01:

exactly and so yeah we we kept talking to her and we said i remember towards the end of the call i just said to her straight up that you really need to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your parents

SPEAKER_03:

and she said she does she said every week i talk to them every time i try to bring it up i spent a month there the month of ramadan and i kept telling him and and opening the conversations and all of that but they were just completely shut down

SPEAKER_01:

You know, and the other thing I'm just thinking about now is that, God forbid, let's say, God forbid with this girl, she does and commits some sort of haram, right? Whether it's an illegitimate marriage, a boyfriend, relationship, whatever it might be. The parents will be questioned. They

SPEAKER_03:

are responsible in some way.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, because like we said in previous episodes, when you close the doors to halal, the haram becomes more enticing, right? And if parents are constantly closing these doors to these halal, options for her of course I mean she's living in a western country she's amongst non-Muslims those doors are going to become very enticing for her and parents are going to have to answer

SPEAKER_03:

Haram is pretty accessible like you don't even have to be in a western country Haram is pretty just on the tip of your finger like You find everything you want on your phone. But even she said she had a great suitor who was a revert and they rejected him. So what can a girl do in these situations? Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on. Here you'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmatch.ca. So at the time of the Prophet, there was a sahabiya. Her name was Khansa bint Khidam. And she came to the Prophet and she complained that her father married her off to a man without her consent. And the Prophet invalidated the marriage. He said that without your consent, it's an invalid nikah. And scholars deduced from this that a father who abuses his wilayah is doing injustice to the girl and this invalidates the nikah. And they deduced from this that a father who's abusing his wilaya and preventing his daughter from seeking marriage, then his wilaya can be removed. How does this look like in 2025?

SPEAKER_01:

So some actionable steps that you can take. We would never ever recommend you take the drastic step of considering removing the wilaya from your father. It's

SPEAKER_03:

like amputating a limb.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, it's very serious and so this should only be considered under extreme circumstances. So number one, journal. Document every proposal that has come through. Why did your father reject them? Did the proposals meet basic Islamic criteria? Was he financially able? Did he have good akhlaaq?

SPEAKER_03:

And try to be objective, not just because you like the suitor, then you immediately consider that your father was unreasonable.

SPEAKER_01:

Think practically. It's also worth documenting that that you're attracted to the guy. Of course. Yeah, of course. So journaling, I would say, is the first step. The next step would be Or they can happen simultaneously. There's no problem with that. Involving your mother, involving siblings, like mature adult siblings, involving extended family that you trust that are knowledgeable.

SPEAKER_03:

Talk to your father. Remind him of the deen. Remind him of the values of Islam that Islam is not a religion of racism and tribalism and materialism. So remind him of that. Some people come around when they are reminded of Islam.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. And in some cases, fathers might connect with certain members of the community that they trust and understand. So I would say the next step is reach out to a respected sheikh, imam, scholar in the community and have that person speak directly to your father. And like you just said, remind him about the deen.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. All these conversations with your father, they shouldn't come from a place of anger or revenge or heated emotions. Because once that happens, your father is just going to block everything. Nothing's going to go through.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. At the end of the day, the father wants to know that he's being respected as the leader of the home. Yeah. So let's say you've tried all of these steps. Nothing's worked. Now it's time for the drama to, for lack of a better term, cut the limb. So what do we do?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, you do have the option. We're not going to dance around it. You do have the option to get your father's willa removed. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

And once again, this is only after you've tried everything else.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, yes, yes. And so if you live in a Muslim country, you can complain to the judge, to the Muslim judge, present your case. Like you said, if you did journal, then you show the evidence, every case, what happened. And then the judge will study the case will study the evidence and if he finds that your father actually was doing injustice to you

SPEAKER_01:

he can transfer the wilaya to first the grandparent I

SPEAKER_03:

believe yes the grandparent brother and uncle or in some cases he will act as your wali and he will marry you off but since so this is to our listeners who live in Muslim countries and to the rest of us who live in the west we don't have like mahaqim shafi'i we don't have muslim judges and sharia or anything here so you go to a scholar in your community who is knowledgeable on family law who does nikah contracts and same thing exactly same route you present your case and if for lack lack of better term if your father found guilty the scholar will act as your wali right there's always um there's always a way like allah would never accept injustice to happen Right. So the goal here

SPEAKER_01:

isn't to cut off your father. It's to fulfill your Islamic right to marriage. Yeah. You know, there's cases where a father might say, or he might emotionally blackmail you and say, you know, you're not my daughter. I'm cutting you off if you get married without my consent.

SPEAKER_03:

You'll not get my inheritance, which is all just... What is a polite expression to say BS?

SPEAKER_01:

Hogwash.

SPEAKER_03:

This is just emotional manipulation. Yeah. Your father's inheritance, it's not his to decide... oh, you're not going to get any of my inheritance. It's not his. Once he dies, then each person in the family who are entitled to inherit, they have their share. It's not up to your father.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly. So there's some important questions to ask if you are going to take this drastic step. Number one, if your father never approves of anyone, are you willing to never get married? Like if you decide to just kind of go with the flow, are you okay with just being celibate? Or if you do go without him, are you emotionally prepared enough Both emotionally and spiritually ready for what happens

SPEAKER_03:

next. Because it's not just your father who's going to cut you off. It's probably going to extend to other family members, your mother, your siblings. If you go and have children, your father might not want to have anything with your children.

SPEAKER_01:

One more thing I want to say about this is that the guy cannot pressure a girl to do this. This is solely the decision of the girl. It's very important. So guys, if you are a guy listening to this, you cannot emotionally manipulate the girl to sever the relationship with her father. If you

SPEAKER_03:

love me, you will remove your father's will. Come on. That's messed up. And also for you, the girl, are you so certain about this guy that you're willing to bet your relationship with your family over him?

SPEAKER_01:

That's a big question.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, because if you're not, then you might end up in a situation where you find yourself in a miserable marriage or even divorced or whatever is worse. And at the same time, you have severed the relationship with your family. So if you're not sure about the guy, if it's just your emotions leading you and not reason, then think twice before you take the step.

SPEAKER_01:

For sure. Inshallah, we hope this benefited you. And as a reminder, this episode is not about... disobeying your father or severing your relationship with him. It's about reminding you of your Islamic right to find a suitable spouse and that there are options available to you in extreme situations.

SPEAKER_03:

I think it's important to just talk about the human aspect of it and not just like you have the right to do this. You see the pain in these girls' eyes and you see how it shaped them their future. We don't want to see that happen with you guys. You see the uncertainty. They're so uncertain about their future. They find themselves in limbo. Should I stay patient? Should I go against my parents? Should I risk losing my relationship with my parents? I want a companion. I want the opportunity to have a family and have children, love someone, be loved. I have physical needs. I can't even talk about my physical needs with my parents. They would absolutely go nuts. People find themselves trapped and nobody should be in such a situation. Again, we are not telling you what to do, but we are just reminding you that if you find yourself in this dire situation, there are outlets, halal outlets. You shouldn't feel guilty about them. You shouldn't feel like you did anything haram if you decide to go that route. And may Allah guide you and us and everyone to do the right thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so if you've been in this situation or are in it right now, or you know someone that's in this situation, tell us that story anonymously. We want to hear your struggles. We want to hear your wins, what you would advise other women to do who are going through the same thing. And inshallah, if you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend. It's the only way we can grow and keep giving you guys more and sharing our professional and personal experiences. Until next time. Assalamu alaikum.