Diary of a Matchmaker

Gendered Misconceptions, Busted!

• Halal Match • Episode 75

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“Men only care about looks.” “Women only care about money.” Sound bites like these have turned the Muslim marriage search into a battle of stereotypes. But are men really afraid of commitment? Are women really desperate for it?

In this episode, we call out the misconceptions that pit men and women against each other and dig into how they’re sabotaging real connections. We also ask tougher questions: does being “religious” automatically make someone a good spouse, or are we ignoring qualities like emotional maturity and communication?

If you’re tired of shallow labels and gender wars, this conversation will challenge what you think you know about the opposite gender, and maybe even how you see yourself.

If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!


Speaker 1:

Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.

Speaker 2:

And I'm Zaid.

Speaker 1:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2:

So let's dive in. Bismillah, Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome back to another episode.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, assalamu alaikum, we're back with another week, a new topic.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, rejections is something we've talked a lot about in the past. I constantly share my personal experiences and you can't help but to form some sort of, some sense of uh, misconceptions because of all these rejections that happen right and with and with me. After nine years, I got this understanding that girls were just looking for money and that girls were very shallow sometimes and that if I wasn't living up to a certain standard, which was the doctor, lawyer, engineer kind of equation earning six figures, then I probably wouldn't get married.

Speaker 1:

Though at that stage they weren't misconceptions. They were conceptions.

Speaker 2:

They were yes, yes, that's a better way to put it. They were conceptual, but conceptions formed based on my experiences. And you can't help but to feel that way, and I'm sure a lot of people feel the same way. After they go through years and years and years of rejections that they've certain they develop certain conceptions based on their experiences. But your premarital journey didn't go that long, but did you have some kind of misconceptions or conceptions?

Speaker 1:

I had some conceptions. Of course, yeah, like, what Like? For example, guys go for the prettiest girls. If you're not pretty, you don't stand a chance.

Speaker 3:

See, you just proved it and that's why you married me, okay, okay I don't know that um guys are controlling and maybe it's because of the environment I come from, from the middle east.

Speaker 1:

Now, those were some fears and some conceptions I had. But uh, that's, that's, that's the thing. Each one of us based on their own experiences, their own I never, I'm never able to pronounce this word properly Upbringing, upbringing Based on their upbringing and their environment. They form ideas and sometimes they could be based on some history, some stories, some things they've read right.

Speaker 2:

But it's not just coming from their upbringing, it also comes from their experiences mainly rejections, yeah.

Speaker 1:

But the danger is when we start generalizing and when we start exaggerating and just throwing these labels. All men are like this. All women are like this.

Speaker 2:

Right, so let's go through a list of a few common misconceptions. All right, so number one, probably the most famous that everybody says is that men only want beauty, women only want money, and there is truth to that, I think.

Speaker 1:

Like we said, all of them. They don't come from nothing, Exactly.

Speaker 2:

And based on my personal experience, yes, I've seen a lot of those cases and based on my personal experience, yes, I've seen a lot of those cases, and not just from girls, but from parents too that financial stability is one thing, but an unrealistic expectation or trying to live up to a certain standard, whether it's cultural or whatever, like you said, it's not coming from a vacuum.

Speaker 1:

Right, but does it mean that all girls are like this, all families are like this?

Speaker 2:

No, I mean alhamdulillah, you and that all girls are like this, all families are like this. No, I mean, alhamdulillah, you and your family aren't like this. But from my personal experiences, I would say eight to 8.5 cases that I ran into, whether it was on matrimonial websites, whether they were introductions to families, they were under this umbrella.

Speaker 1:

Are we here to reaffirm misconceptions or to debunk them?

Speaker 2:

I'm speaking the truth. I'm speaking from my personal experiences. So if that's reaffirming, debunking, whatever it is, I'm going to keep it real. But the fact that I married somebody who isn't like that is kind of debunking the myth.

Speaker 1:

But I'm not a rare case. Okay, listen to listen to me. Don't listen to this guy. Guys and girls, listen to me if you see happy marriages around you. If you see happy couples around you and successful marriages around you, this means that these misconceptions are not true, or are not entirely true. So you don't have to agree with you. I said don't listen to him Right.

Speaker 1:

So, so don't don't think that happy marriages and successful marriages are a rare case. There are good guys, there are good girls, but there are some, like we said, some misconceptions that are based on some experiences. That's my take on it.

Speaker 2:

Like I said, I'm going to keep it real, okay. So I'm not painting marriage as doom and gloom. It's not. Not every girl is shallow, right, because obviously I found somebody who isn't. But then the question is, are girls generally like that? I haven't spoken to every girl on the planet, so I'm just talking from personal experiences that yes, there are girls. I mean, I can still recall and I had that email for years, that email where I think I reached out to a girl after a matrimonial event or um, maybe it was on hud, I think it was after a matrimonial event uh, saying that you know I was interested in whatever, whatever. And she replied saying, um, sorry, my parents are looking for somebody who is more financially stable.

Speaker 2:

And she specifically said I think I showed you this email doctor, engineer, lawyer, something like that, and I'm like, and this was years into my search and it was just this constant reminder and constant, consistent pattern of girls seeking these things, or sometimes hiding behind their parents because they lack the courage to say it themselves. So again, the question is are girls generally like this or are they not?

Speaker 1:

My belief is generally girls are not like this and generally guys are not just looking for beauty, but some bad apples ruin it for everyone.

Speaker 2:

That's true. I guess that's a good way to put it.

Speaker 1:

You know what. When I hear you say this it you know what. When I hear you say this, you know what I remember. I remember clients or potential clients who, when we ask them, are you open for to other ethnicities, they say yeah, but not this x ethnicity. I don't want anyone from this x ethnicity. They're all like this or they're known for being like this, and that's not fair I do recall cases like that, but that's usually I don't know.

Speaker 2:

Sometimes it's because of a lack of physical attraction to that specific ethnicity, or b is because they've had such a bad experience with that specific ethnic background that they're generalizing. Exactly yes, exactly so it's our experiences, okay.

Speaker 1:

Well, girls, when it comes to girls, girls feel that guys, like I said, and I had this thought before guys only go go for the prettiest girls. If you're not fair, if you are not slim, if you are not tall, then you don't stand a chance. If you have some I don't know pimples, or you don't have the prettiest eyes, or you have I don't know whatever, you have a big nose or whatever, you don't stand a chance. And that's why a lot of girls end up using filters on their profile pictures or some girls even take it to the extreme of uh plastic surgery or using like uh whitening creams to like lighten their skin tone right.

Speaker 2:

So I mean, yes, social media does play a part and the makeup and the tons of makeup, like guys say.

Speaker 1:

Why girls wear so much makeup? Because they think makeup makes them look prettier and this would make them more attractive to guys but then the question is are they doing what is generally expected of them? What do you mean?

Speaker 2:

right. If the guys are searching for pretty girls, then aren't they just doing what's expected of them?

Speaker 1:

Because they think they are making themselves prettier, they are raising their stakes. You see, it's a vicious cycle. It's a vicious cycle, but not all guys. Sometimes, you see, I don't know an average looking girl with a very handsome guy. So what does this prove? It proves that no, a lot of guys see inner beauty before they look at the outside beauty.

Speaker 2:

So where does this come from? So the thing that we can't overlook is how this is really rooted, partly rooted, but also cemented by tv shows. Yeah, right, like shows like the bachelor, the bachelorette, uh dubai bling, dubai bling I'm not gonna lie, I kind of was just very curious, I can't.

Speaker 2:

I watched like maybe one or two minutes just to get a feel and I'm like it really lived up to the expectations oh my god, the most superficial things I've ever seen in my life, right like, if you really want to see people living up to the misconceptions that we have, that is the show money glamour beauty, beauty, all of those sugar daddies, sugarommies or whatever it's called. Okay.

Speaker 1:

The point of this episode isn't to trash the show, but no, I'm not talking specifically about the show yeah. But this is like what you see today in today's culture.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, community gossip plays a part. Oh yeah. Yeah. So we sometimes hear she only married him for his money or for his car, or he got a trophy wife. The trophy wife statement.

Speaker 1:

Or she's a gold digger, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

A point worth mentioning also is that people sometimes use looks and wealth as proxies for value.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, because it's easier, it's more tangible. You could say, right, right, it's measurable, measurable, measurable, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So what effects do these misconceptions have? And I feel that the one that stands out to me is men adopt this as the norm and they feel obligated to live up to artificial standards, right? So after nine years? I remember even one time time I don't know if I mentioned this once, it was probably seven, eight years into searching and I just got so fed up that at one point I changed my matrimonial profile and said I was a doctor oh wow, because I just wanted to see what would happen.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I kept everything the same my profile picture, um, I think other basic details were the same, but I just changed my career, it didn't have a difference for how long?

Speaker 1:

how long did you test it for I?

Speaker 2:

think maybe a few weeks or a month, which made me feel even worse, because then I realized, god, I must be a really ugly guy and that even by changing my profile to a doctor I can't even get a girl wow, you know you should write a book.

Speaker 1:

Name it diary of a spinster a diary of a desperate, single desperate guy.

Speaker 1:

So um well, I can tell you, for girls, what effects this has on girls, which I already mentioned, that girls feel stuck in this trap of a never attainable level of beauty, whether it's weight size and you see all these crash diets and even some eating disorders or whether it's, uh, the pressure of just looking a certain way and dressing a certain way, and even you know what this is. In my culture, and like in my middle eastern culture, some girls and some families don't encourage their daughters to wear the hijab until she gets married. No, I'm not going to wear the hijab, because if I wear the hijab, men aren't going to look at me. So, inshallah, after I get married, I will wear the hijab.

Speaker 2:

Wow, I've never heard this before, that's crazy, yeah.

Speaker 1:

And some families, actually they object to their girls wearing the hijab. No one's going to marry you with the hijab, oh. Prior to marriage yeah.

Speaker 2:

Wow. With this sole intention of helping them get married.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, subhanallah, that's amazing. So, like I said before, it's a vicious cycle, like we keep feeding it, and that's why we need to tackle these misconceptions, because if we keep believing these misconceptions, then we're just contributing to the cycle yeah, so yeah, like you said, it has to be dismantled.

Speaker 2:

The other thing I wanted to say is the swiping up culture and this because of these misconceptions and people thinking, okay, these, I have to live up to certain standards, then swiping, the swiping app culture come easily, kind of takes control right. We don't even read anything about the person, we just look at their picture right, because we associate value with how pretty this person is or how much money they have are successful yeah, so how do we dismantle this?

Speaker 1:

it's very easy. It might seem hypothetical, but it's not. Just go back to the deen. The prophet alayhi salat wasalam said a woman is usually married for one of four things her money, her lineage, her beauty or her deen. So we all know this hadith right Marry the religious one, you will be blessed and successful. And it doesn't mean that, like, if you marry the religious one then she's going to be an unattractive, like look for an unattractive woman, but who has a good religion.

Speaker 1:

No, it means that it means that this should be your main criteria. If religion is there, then look for the other things, but if you're prioritizing only beauty and she doesn't have a good character, she doesn't have a taqwa in her heart, then your marriage is going to be miserable After a few days, few months or a year or whatever. You're going to get used to her beauty. She's going to grow old. She's going to grow wrinkles, right?

Speaker 2:

Right. So the point is, and the beauty of this hadith is that it is telling you to look beyond the surface. Yeah, right the misconceptions are all surface-based yeah, money, beauty, things like that but this hadith is a reminder to go beyond that and how you go beyond that, that we've dedicated an entire episode asking the right questions, assessing a person's character, things like that yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

And. And for guys the prophet also alayhi salat was alayhi salat was. Salam said that if a guy with a good dean and good character proposes, then marry them. So it doesn't mean beyond the surface exactly it doesn't mean beyond the surface.

Speaker 1:

Exactly. It doesn't mean that look for a good dean and good character, but he should be broke. No, like, like you always say, al-mu'min Al-Qawiyy, khayrun Min Al-Mu'min Al-Dha'if or Al-Yad Al-Ulyah, khayrun Min Al-Yad Al-Sufla, like a strong believer, strong in his character, in his like physical state, in his financial state is better than a weak one, because you're not being a burden, right. So look for this, but don't make it the first priority, because he could have all the money in the world and now I feel like I'm a lecturer or like I'm an auntie, or like an old person giving a khutbah or anything. But sometimes, you know, these are things that, because we've heard them so many times, we don't stop to actually think and ponder and reflect on them. So he could have all the money in the world, but he doesn't treat you right. He has a terrible character or I don't know, he might be secretly drinking Like he's going to be a terrible father. So what good will money do you right?

Speaker 2:

For sure.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think honestly, out of all the gendered misconceptions, the one we just tackled is the most common one. So I hope the ranting we just did and whatever we just discussed, I hope it just gives you a moment to rethink what you believe about the opposite gender and honestly, just talking to guys and girls in general, you can see these misconceptions play out in different ways like, if you really pay attention to the language, uh and the the reasons that they're delaying marriage with guys.

Speaker 2:

They may not articulate these specific or these misconceptions in these words, but it's hidden like underneath their tongue right like why are they delaying marriage? Is because of financial reasons exactly what are the financial is Because they have to live up to some artificial standards of income and financial stability and things like that.

Speaker 1:

So these are not hypothetical things. These are actually hindering singles from getting married. Yeah, yeah, okay. What's the next one?

Speaker 2:

Misconception number two Men fear commitment. Women are desperate for it. I see this play out in movies all the time.

Speaker 1:

All the time he's not that into you Now it's a cliche.

Speaker 2:

You know the guy stringing along the girl for like more than half the movie, and then finally she gives an ultimatum to the guys Like either you want me or you don't want me. And then the guy's like okay. And then he has to like, yeah, you know, turn on the maturity switch. And then take this take it seriously, and then they live happily ever after monica and chandler remember I'm not a half of my half of this, not as strong as yours, unfortunately.

Speaker 1:

You can actually see this play in every sitcom out there, almost yeah, yeah okay, going back to the original point, are men fearful of commitment?

Speaker 2:

well, I'm married, so I'm in a committed relationship and uh, you better be oh I better be, huh what about the girls?

Speaker 1:

Women are usually painted as desperate. She just wants a guy and it's also reaffirmed in movies a lot of times and she spends all her life just trying to find a guy who actually wants her and who's serious about commitment and all of that. And this actually scares the guy, you see. So each misconception is feeding the other. The other misconception this scares the guy. The moment he senses that this girl is actually like pushing for marriage or whatever, he gets scared and he runs away. And then the misconception of being fearful of commitment just gets reaffirmed. Right.

Speaker 2:

So it becomes a vicious cycle. So one is trying to avoid the desperation part and the other guy is trying to avoid the commitment part, but they're both ultimately hurting themselves exactly yeah at the end of the day, why?

Speaker 1:

what are we doing here? Are we looking for marriage or not?

Speaker 2:

right, that's what it all comes down to like intention, intention, intention and not just intention, but just simply coming back to our dean, you know, the beauty of our dean is that it simplifies our lives. It really does. You know these western norms and practices of dating and stuff.

Speaker 1:

It really complicates our life so much because, you know, we we get into these situations where there's so much ambiguity you know, I really feel bad for people who date and usually like it's non-muslims, right, people who date, who live together or whatever. And there's this, um, there's this confusion, like what are we doing here? She's waiting for him to pop the question and to surprise her with a ring in this chocolate cake and he is trying to avoid. Like every time he says we need to talk, she's thinking, oh my god, he's gonna break up with me or he's gonna propose, and like there's this meanwhile, the years are going by years are going by, and sometimes after dating for five years, six years, I just don't feel like we're the right fit for each other anymore, or I don't love you anymore.

Speaker 2:

Because they didn't have intentions from the get-go, they didn't have clarity, exactly.

Speaker 1:

And five years get wasted. Like time doesn't forgive.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and like when people talk about dating dating at surface value, it makes sense. Don't you want to get to know the person? Don't you want to see if they're a good fit and just go out, and things like that. But our dean always starts with intention, right you?

Speaker 1:

know you're sorry to interrupt, but before you jump to the dean, the problem with dating is it doesn't have like the. The intention from the beginning are not clear. They could be this person could be dating for marriage, but the other person is dating for just for fun, like I just want to have someone in my life but I'm not serious about marriage. Exactly right.

Speaker 1:

But, like you said in our Dean, we we have marriage. Either you want to get married or you don't, so the only reason you're talking to someone and you're getting to know them is for marriage.

Speaker 2:

Exactly so. There is very simple ways to dismantle this and it really it comes back to the first misconception we talked about. Come back to the deen. Honestly, that's like the answer for every misconception probably that we're going to tackle. Come back to the dean, and how do we do that intention be direct?

Speaker 2:

be clear clarity, uh, reaffirm that this that you are speaking to somebody for the purpose of marriage, that you know you have a desire to get married and frame your conversations um, with the goal of marriage, obviously with with the goal of getting to know them in depth. Right, that you're not wasting your time talking about travel destinations and the weather and things like that okay, maybe in the beginning as icebreakers, but the goal is to get to know them in depth for the purpose of marriage and you know what.

Speaker 1:

If you like really don't desire marriage. Like, deep down, you're not looking for marriage. Like, be honest with yourself and don't waste people's time. If you are not ready for marriage right now, there are certain circumstances that prevent you from getting married. Don't waste people's times.

Speaker 2:

Right, right and maybe just having certain phrases in mind when you're speaking to somebody that I'm serious about marriage within six months to a year. What is your time frame looking like? Right like having those conversations early on, because if the next, if the person you're talking to is looking to get married for after the four-year graduate degree or whatever degree, but you're looking to get going in the next year, then there's a misalignment and you're going to be wasting your time yeah, also having the time frame discussion.

Speaker 1:

You know, maybe we should coin it the time frame discussion or or something like uh hi, I'd like to get to know you for the purpose of marriage.

Speaker 2:

I am interested in marriage within within the next year or two years I don't know about this, especially like in the beginning stages, because it was scared after you get past the icebreakers and there's a certain level of comfortability and we do ask it on our registration forms oh, yes, we have to yeah, yeah but it's sometimes, you know, a guy and a girl are talking and it's been five, six, seven months and there's this like confusion.

Speaker 1:

Neither of them brought the the the topic of marriage itself, and they're just like hoping he's gonna bring it up, she's gonna bring it up, and like it's just to get resolved suddenly and magically.

Speaker 2:

Right, and if you've been talking for six seven months and you haven't had the conversation about time frame, children, in-laws Not just in roles and responsibilities, right, like, if you guys are both working, then who's going to be doing the day-to-day things at home? Things like that. And six, seven months have passed. I mean, you're honestly wasting your time. If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free call with us.

Speaker 2:

So, misconception number three we actually have talked about this in the past, but it's important to also frame it as a misconception, which is religiosity equals a good spouse. And this goes back to our original point, which is looking for surface value traits, right, where we see somebody or we hear of somebody getting up for tahajjud, attending five daily prayers in the masjid, and we automatically assume that this person has good character and that this person qualifies for marriage, which is a huge problem. And so there's a dichotomy between the character and the internalization of faith with the outward manifestations of faith.

Speaker 1:

I'd like to take this into a different direction. Honestly that they could be religious outwardly and they could have a good character. They're a good, decent human being, like there's no dichotomy there, right, but they lack emotional maturity. They lack communication skills, they don't know how to handle conflicts. They get angry easily, they have self-esteem problems. They lack leadership skills. So it's not about like looking religious, but being an awful person.

Speaker 2:

Right. So that's a good point, because what's happening there is that you are overlooking so many other important qualities because you're just so enamored by the religiosity. And we see this oh my God, this person is an Ali.

Speaker 1:

He's a Hafez. He's a Hafez Right.

Speaker 2:

Or he has a big beard and like, oh my God, he's perfect.

Speaker 1:

And we see this. The thing is this one we see the most, I think, out of all the misconceptions. This, this, the thing is this one we see the most. I think, out of all the misconceptions, this one is the most visible to us. And when we ask potential clients or clients, what are you looking for in a spouse?

Speaker 2:

a lot of times all we get is someone religious, someone with a good dean and that's the funny thing, when they throw out that term religious, sometimes they don't understand what that means and we have to go deeper, like what does religious mean to you? Because what religious means to you is going to be what religious means to me? All right, for some people it's like I want somebody is getting up for tahajjud and like praying at the masjid five times a day, and for other people it's just like the basics who doesn't do any haram, for example.

Speaker 1:

Right, yeah, but I think because we haven't taken the time to think about these terms and a lot of times it's actually like reaffirmed or emphasized, like with good intentions, of course, but by like imams and shuyukh and stuff, just emphasizing when looking to marry, just marry someone with a good deen. If he fears Allah, then he will treat you good. Well, he could fear allah, but he could be immature, right?

Speaker 1:

right so there is much more to compatibility than religion, like religion is the basic and don't get us wrong, praying, getting up for fajr is important right fasting consistent that, but don't use that as the sole criteria it's.

Speaker 1:

I think it should start from there, like if someone doesn't have the basics and just today I posted this reel, this clip from our recent interview with dr omar hussein, and he was saying like when looking for a spouse, start with the basics. So if or when you, when you're looking to get married, you start with your basics. If you're not consistently praying five times a day, then start with that. If you're not fasting Ramadan, start with that, and after you've covered that, then, like, improve in other like areas and stuff. So that's the basic. It doesn't mean like you're a super, uh, super muslim if you're praying and fasting.

Speaker 2:

This is the basic yeah, but it's not the only thing, though, and we can't deny that social media plays a part in this absolutely, absolutely we hear like soundbites and people with a big beard quoting verses from the quran. Sometimes they don't know what they're saying and they just look outwardly religious right yeah so one way to dismantle this is to ask for concrete examples of religious practice.

Speaker 2:

For example, you can ask the person tell me about a time you supported someone when it was hard, whether it was morally through your time, whatever it was. Um, scholars often use this example too, where they say you know, when you're going through the courting phase and you're meeting somebody out in public, see how they treat the waiter. Yeah, that's a good one, yeah, all right. What's another example?

Speaker 1:

Tell me about your favorite ayah, and why is it your favorite ayah? Tell me about a time where you found an answer to a problem in the Quran. Tell me how you spend your Ramadan.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so open-ended questions. That reveals something about their relationship with their deen.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, okay. Instead of asking do you pray and do you fast, right? Which goes back to our question episode.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Another way is to add behavioral checks in the getting to know stage Right. So an example of that is looking for examples of how they handle conflict. Everybody goes through conflict at some point in their life, but it's about how you handle it and how you manage that. Asking questions about the relationship with their parents, with their siblings, with their extended family.

Speaker 1:

Notice their emotional reactions, like throughout the courting phase. You're gonna have disagreements. You might even have like fights or whatever right. He might have a problem with work or with his parents. So notice his emotional reactions.

Speaker 2:

Nobody has a perfect relationship with every sphere of their life their their work, their family, their community. There will be conflicts at in some realm, in some form or another, and the question is how do they handle?

Speaker 1:

it exactly, do they?

Speaker 2:

avoid it? Do they confront it?

Speaker 1:

notice. Does she gossip? Does he gossip?

Speaker 2:

and one way to actually that's a good point. One way to assess that is by seeing how much are they willing to open up or share secrets about someone else to you right because if they're willing to share someone else's secrets with you. Most likely they're going to share your secrets with someone else yeah exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

So besides looking for their religion like we said, religion is the first thing, but it's not the only thing Look for these things to assess compatibility. You could have a alim and a alima, two scholars who are so pious and stuff, but their characters are just complete opposite. They would be terrible spouses to each other, not because they're not religious, but because this is just how people are.

Speaker 2:

Last misconception Marriage will fix me or my partner will complete me, and I feel this is consistent with both of our cultures. Yeah, yeah. I've seen it so much in my own family my or extended family in fact, where there have been some very inappropriate behaviors, um, specifically drinking and um, and the approach was getting him married so that he could fix up or change. And of course that didn't change and it was a disastrous marriage but um, same thing, same thing we have in our culture with an added layer.

Speaker 1:

So same thing. Usually it's a guy. He has some, has some behavioral issues, some bad habits. Get him married he'll marriage was treating him right, right and it doesn't, and sometimes it's not even bad habits.

Speaker 2:

Get him married he'll marriage will straighten him right, right, and it doesn't and sometimes it's not even bad habits, it's just immaturity. And then marriage will make him mature and marriage just makes things worse.

Speaker 1:

And then then let let them have children, have children, and the child will come and heal all the problems, fix all the problems. And of course it doesn't. It just becomes worse. Exactly, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2:

So where does this come from? Does it come from a vacuum? No, it doesn't. It comes from sometimes movies right, you see, the guy who's just lazy, unambitious, immature, all of these things, and then this perfect girl comes along, and then she's like the cure to the problem, right she pushes him to change and to improve, and all of that, yeah, yeah yeah, um, we sometimes see this play out with financial stability too, that when you're married, then you it will force you be to become financially right To take a career or a job more seriously, and that just becomes more problematic.

Speaker 2:

Right. So the point is that these things have to be done prior to marriage.

Speaker 2:

You have to work on the internal stuff. So, going back to marriage being a solution to problems immigration we heard all the time, right, like I need to get my green, like I need to get my green card, need to get my pr card, and marriage is going to fix that. So we can skip over the compatibility, we can skip over all the important questions, because right now I have to solve this problem and well, I mean it was. It did work out in one case in my family, but generally speaking, it's one of the worst things you could do.

Speaker 1:

It's unfair to you, it's unfair to the girl right, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1:

Marriage is half our dean. It's a compliment. It's not a cure. Marriage actually, actually marriage is not going to fix your problems. On the contrary, it will magnify them. Because if you have temperament problems, believe me, marriage is beautiful and all of that, but also it comes with sometimes testing moments, challenging moments. You're living with this person. He's going to provoke you, sometimes going to vex you, sometimes You're going to do the same. So if you have a temperament problems, it's just going to blow up in same. So if you have a temperament problems, it's just gonna blow up in marriage. If you have, like, bad financial habits, marriage is gonna just magnify them. Um, I don't know if you have immaturity, if you have anger problems, like so, don't enter marriage with this fixing mindset yeah or or not, just fixing mindset.

Speaker 2:

But I'd also add don't come in with dependency expectations. Exactly, exactly, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Because that will lead to resentment. Because when your partner can't solve the problem so let's say, for example, going back to the immigration point, let's say for some reason that the marriage didn't solve the immigration problem then you're just going to resent your spouse it's because of you. It's your fault right, it's your fault and so the intention that you came into this marriage or relationship with um didn't get fulfilled, and now, instead of loving your spouse, you resent them. Right, all right yeah.

Speaker 1:

So meanwhile, while if you're a single muslim listening to us and you're asking yourself what can I do now, start working on yourself. Like you know yourself better than anyone else. You know if you have some anger issues, you know if you have some ego problems. You know if you need to work on your deen or you need to work on your health. You need to improve your diet, whatever it is. You need to improve your diet, whatever it is. You need to become more financially mature and maybe have some financial literacy, right. So don't wait for marriage and then start taking these courses and the coaching. And this is a. This is a golden time. You're single. You don't have that responsibility of marriage and kids and household and whatever. This is your golden time. Use it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so personal story. I've shared the story before. I think it was probably the first episode, first or second episode where we shared our marriage story and how my journey spanned nine years and one of the takeaways that I feel I got from my search, and then especially in the last few months prior to getting married, was that I need to work on my faith, that I need to work on trusting Allah's plan.

Speaker 2:

And so, going back to talk about self-work I think my self-work was on my spirituality, right and um, and just being patient with my journey wherever it goes and, of course, tying my camel, putting in the work, um in matrimony websites, making dua, things like that, of course, but realizing that, um, I have to leave the rest to allah yeah, so that that was my inner work, I think okay.

Speaker 1:

Well, I can think of one thing I had to work on before we started talking actually, which is self-esteem. I used, I remember, like a specific period in my life and I used to have such low self-esteem like I used to walk in the campus and thinking that, you know, there are students around us, they're laughing, they're talking whatever. I used to think they're laughing at me. I'm walking, they're laughing at me, they're laughing, they're talking whatever. I used to think they're laughing at me, I'm walking, they're laughing at me, they're talking about me.

Speaker 1:

And, of course, which wasn't true and part of it is because of my visual impairment and then I I don't know exactly how the switch happened, but I think I just started just trusting Allah's plan more and just believing that, like we're, and that people are good, people are not conspiring against me, people are don't hate me, don't mock me. Like there was a switch that I can't honestly put my finger on it and, alhamdulillah, my self-esteem skyrocketed and like, did you notice, when we started talking, that I'm a confident person or I lack confidence? Like what was your impression?

Speaker 2:

I feel like you were a person who had a good sense of boundaries. For example, when we first started talking, one of the first things you mentioned was your visual impairment, impairment, and and so you wanted to make sure that that was something I was comfortable with, not just for the sake of moving forward, but it's just like this is a part of my identity. This is a part. This is something that I I've dealt with for a long time. So either you're on board with this or you're not or don't waste my time.

Speaker 2:

That was kind of the vibe right like this is serious, right like like this is something that I've dealt with for some time. That was kind of the feeling I was getting, and so, of course, I had to wrestle a few things with that. But, um, but yeah, I'd say, yeah, confidence was there, but more of a sense of boundaries.

Speaker 1:

You know, I try to imagine like if I entered marriage with low self-esteem, I don't think you would have find that attractive. Oh, of course not.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, I don't think I'd argue that it looks more unattractive with guys than girls.

Speaker 1:

Yes, absolutely For sure, For sure, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I've always heard that, that maybe that I don't know if that's a misconception, but girls find self-confidence a huge like means of attraction of course, because it's associated with leadership.

Speaker 1:

It's associated with strength, strength and like, with just being a man, I guess, manhood. We just last episode. We're talking about manhood and masculinity and all of that. So, by the way, it was a great episode, honestly masculinity and toxic masculinity highly recommended with dr number uh 74, I think just the episode before this one wow, yeah, mash, wow we're in our 70s now inshallah.

Speaker 1:

Once we hit 100, we should do something special. I don't know what, but if you have any ideas for us what to do on our 100th episode. Yeah, we're all ears and eyes, but those were the misconceptions. I hope you guys that you leave this episode with a sense of just giving the other gender or the other person the benefit of the doubt and not generalizing.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Like we said before, there is some truth to these misconceptions. But not every girl is a gold digger. Not every guy is just looking for beauty. There are people who want to go beyond the surface, so take the time to look for that to look for those people.

Speaker 1:

And also, once you become like the best version of yourself we're not talking about perfection, just the best version of yourself you will attract the right people.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I was just going to say that you will become the magnet of what you want.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, absolutely For sure.

Speaker 2:

So why don't you guys share a misconception that we might have missed? Or maybe you guys can expand on one of the misconceptions or conceptions that we shared.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, just let us know your thoughts in the comments.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.