Diary of a Matchmaker

What if I Never Get Married?

• Halal Match • Episode 79

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What if marriage never happens? Not as a gloomy thought, but as a real, quiet one many of us have whispered at some point. What if you’ve prayed, tried, and waited, and it still doesn’t come? What then?

This episode speaks to that space between faith and fatigue, the longing, the grief, and the slow work of finding joy again. We talk about what it means to build a full, meaningful life even when marriage isn’t part of the picture, and how Allah’s plan for you is never on pause. 

Download our Free Guide: If I Never Marry: 10 Practical Moves Every Single Muslim Should Make, and explore creative ways to strategize, grow, and live fully today. Get it here.


If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!


SPEAKER_00:

You know Zayd, we always tell singles your time will come. But what if it doesn't?

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly. What if it genuinely doesn't? Then what? Our story just remains unfinished?

SPEAKER_00:

That's the part nobody wants to talk about. Shall we?

SPEAKER_02:

Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome back to another episode.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, salam alaikum.

SPEAKER_02:

In my story, I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this in probably the first or second episode, but when uh when you messaged me, um back, what was it, 2019? Feels like a long time ago. I was pretty much on the verge of giving up. I was considering closing my subscription account with HOD. I was what 34 years old at the time, nine years into my search, and I was ready to accept the fact that I'm probably never going to get married. Did you ever deal with that? Those thoughts and feelings?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02:

Even though you were only 30 years old.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, but so you weren't as old as me.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean 35, I couldn't understand, but 30, come on.

SPEAKER_00:

But 30 years old for a girl in the Middle East, in a neighborhood where girls get married at 19 and 22. I felt like uh that train has long passed. And I came to um uh reconciliation, you could say. I reconciled with the fact that I'm actually never gonna get married. And that's why I decided to move to Jordan. Not not that's why, but it was one of the factors that I decided to move to Jordan and pursue a new like new path, uh studying Sharia. Because I'm like, you know what? I'm not I'm not getting married, so why waste my life? Let me do something I love, something productive. But just like I shared on uh the digital sisterhood the other day, I kept making du'a while at the same time accepting the fact that I might never get married.

SPEAKER_02:

So you were proactive while at the same time pursuing something meaningful and productive in your life?

SPEAKER_00:

If by proactive saying making dua, then yeah, that's all the proactiveness I I had at my disposal.

SPEAKER_02:

Interesting. And you know what? This is kind of a tangent. It just hit me now that our stories are much more similar than I realized. You moved to Jordan trying to reboot your life.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I moved to Canada trying to reboot my life.

SPEAKER_00:

Look at that.

SPEAKER_02:

You moved to Jordan to pursue a passion of yours. I moved to Canada to pursue a passion of mine.

SPEAKER_00:

Both our studies.

SPEAKER_02:

And both were studies. Both both of us kind of were at a point in our lives where we were just kind of, I don't know, just sick of sick of societal norms and the routine, right? You kind of felt like that. I felt like that. And we needed to pull ourselves away from that and just be in a foreign environment and just focus on what we loved.

SPEAKER_00:

It was so, yes, absolutely. It was so nice moving to a new place and just waking up where nobody knows me. I can write my own chapter, new chapter. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02:

Like for me, it was going to Jummah prayer every Friday and walking out of the Majdin, and not a single soul knew who I was. Oh god. Every week I was like, this is awesome.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, to me, it was the opposite. I was excited for the opportunity to make new friendships.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I guess. Um, but nonetheless, going back to the topic, God, what were we talking about? Oh, yes. Something about marriage. Something about marriage. Um, so yes, you were you thought you would never get married at that point, but yet you still kept that search alive. Um, for me, it was really wrestling with the idea that I will have to just live with my mom. I'm gonna be one of those old guys living with my mom in her apartment and not doing anything meaningful with his life.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh god, yeah. Can I share something? Sure. Maybe uh weird, funny, I don't know. So I also imagined how my life is gonna turn out if I never get married. And my mom and dad were long gone, like in that picture, they were old, they're gone, and I remain by myself. My sister was married, alhamdulillah. So I remain by myself in this house. I was even thinking to myself, how am I gonna redecorate the house? I swear.

SPEAKER_02:

Wow, yeah, you were thinking that far ahead.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because like I accepted that far. Uh I wasn't like I was saddened by it, but I came to accept it and live with it and plan for the future. Yeah. But subhanAllah, Allah has better plans always. Always.

SPEAKER_02:

So the interesting thing is is that these thoughts and feelings that we were dealing with, it's not um we're not the only ones. We're not the exceptions.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm pretty sure we're not.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. So according to a 2011 Pew survey of Muslim Americans, 33% of Muslim American adults said they had n had never been married, which is pretty crazy considering this is 2011.

SPEAKER_00:

How much worse can it be today?

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly. Yeah. Right. Um, and so that that's that's the thing that we have to think about that sometimes marriage is just not written for us. Now it's easy for us to say, and it kind of sounds like speaking from a very privileged place, like, hey, I got married, so but it might not work for you, but it worked for me. Like I know it sounds a bit self-centered.

SPEAKER_00:

No, it doesn't because we were there.

SPEAKER_02:

Because we But we got lucky, we found each other. And not everybody has that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, you're right, yeah. Right? But it is it is an alarming statistic. And if you find yourself Allah knows best, Allah knows what's best for you, but if you find yourself uh in this statistic, then know that you're not a failure. Know that you're not alone.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. And so naturally, not getting married can be associated with a lot of other issues. Um, one of them being a fear of loneliness.

SPEAKER_00:

I think that's the biggest one when people like when people think about the possibility of not getting married.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I think this is the biggest one.

SPEAKER_02:

Especially if you're in a small family and you don't have many siblings.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Uh your parents or your parents probably had you late in their life. So that is that is a big fear. Growing old alone. Growing old alone. Yeah. Yeah. Or if your sibling lives far away. Yeah. That's pretty scary. Yeah. Um, and that was kind of w one of the discussions we had when discussing children. Yeah. Right? Growing old alone. Um, what's another one?

SPEAKER_00:

Grief and loss. You grieve the life you thought you would have. And you feel like you lost that, even though you never had it.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. I feel like this hurts women more than men because they they're expecting this dreamy wedding and post-marriage life with children, um, having this beautiful home and having grandchildren. Like, I mean, guys also kinda you know think about these things too, but I feel like this afflicts women more than I think it affects men and women um like equally, but in a different in different ways.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh-huh. Like, I don't know, us women, we think about I don't know, um, having my in-laws over, going uh, I don't know, going to visit at Aid at the in-laws. Um I don't know. We think about uh having the children and dressing them up, all of that. But what uh what do men think about when they uh feel grief for not getting married?

SPEAKER_02:

I think for them it's just not passing on their genes.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Being the only guy not married, right? So all the friends are you know busy with their wives and their kids and they're forming their own kind of groups, and now you're dealing with FOMO fear of missing out.

SPEAKER_00:

The the the third wheel. Yeah, you end up being the third wheel.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, I've been the third wheel a couple times. Oh yeah, that sucks. Big time.

SPEAKER_00:

The the emotional aspect as well for women, like women appreciate the companionship, I don't know, just going to bed next to someone, and for men maybe it's the intimacy part.

SPEAKER_02:

Of course, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's that's the elephant in the room, right? Men are more sexually driven than women are, so they're missing out on that. The societal shame. Oh yeah. Uh that that definitely hurts women more than men, I think. If you're a 45-year-old woman showing your face in society and you're not married, versus a 45-year-old man unmarried in society, which one is gonna be dealing with more shame? I think it's the woman.

SPEAKER_00:

I think men, you know why? Why? Because especially like for example, in the Middle Eastern uh community, women it's understood that a woman didn't get married because nobody proposed, because nobody noticed her. But for a guy, like usually the guy is the one who's the uh proactive one who's supposed to pursue marriage. So why didn't he get married? Why didn't he pursue marriage? For women, it's more of a a feeling of pity. Oh, nobody proposed to her, nobody's gonna be worse than it's it's it's really unfair. Yeah. Yeah. But a man, uh the way I see it, feels more like a failure. I missed out on all these years. I could have married that girl or that girl. My mom introduced someone to me. I kept saying no.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Yeah, and then that ties into another issue, which is the identity crisis. Your status as a married person gets uh becomes part of your identity. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00:

It's like you build your self-worth based on that.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00:

And there's another aspect of the not getting married that maybe we don't like to admit to ourselves. We start having these theological doubts. We start asking ourselves these difficult questions, or maybe asking Allah these difficult questions, which ends up adding more guilt to what we're already going through. What you're trying to ask is why did this happen to me? Why did you choose to let me be single for the s for the rest of my life, right? But it's about framing the question, it's about the language itself.

SPEAKER_02:

So I've been there actually. When I performed Umrah and I came back, so for those of you who don't know the story, um, I went for Umrah in 20 god, when was it? 2018? Yes. Oh yeah, 20, yeah, sorry, 2016. You know the story better than me, 2016. Oh, I heard it only a million times. So I went for Umrah in 2016, and uh one of the the first dua I made was for a spouse. And I came back and I got nothing. It was just uh an unanswered dua for a long time. And then you messaged me November 2019, and then we had a Nika December 2019, exactly on the date that, or three years exactly after I performed Umrah. So during that time, I was dealing with those questions because hey, I just made dua in the holiest place on earth uh with as much sincerity as I possibly could, and it came with the hopes, and uh I feel bad for saying this, but staghfirullah, but with the expectation that it would be answered within a time frame that I wanted. And of course, you plan as much as you want, and Allah is the best of planners, and Allah planned better than I could have planned. And so, yes, I was dealing with these hard theological issues that uh is like what's going on, like is this my test? Um, why is Allah choosing not to uh you know bless me with a spouse? So I've been there.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, so so you see, guys, we're not here to tell you, oh, Allah knows best, Allah's plan is best, because we all believe that. But we're here to tackle the things that you might feel awkward even discussing with your best friend. Yeah. So for example, instead of asking like you did, why did this happen to me, a better question would be what do you want me asking Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, what do you want me to build with this life? Because you know, whether you get married or you don't get married, at the end of the day, all of these are just means for us to worship Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. We worship Him whether we're single, whether we're married. Marriage could some people do get married and they end up being miserable. And they think to themselves, oh, I wish I never got married. Why why did you Allah like test me with this? And some people's test is actually never getting married. But it's about how we deal with whatever situation we find ourselves in.

SPEAKER_02:

That's an interesting way to put it. And um and when we think about the the stories that are in the Quran, for example, like Yusuf Ali Islam's uh test was beauty, right? Like he was such an attractive person, and he was tested with that. So some people are tested with beauty, some people are tested uh without beauty, some people are tested with wealth, right? Some people are tested without wealth.

SPEAKER_00:

Some people are tested with having horrible children, and some people are tested with not having children at all. So it's uh it's about our attitude and our what is that word, reception of the test that Allah tests us with.

SPEAKER_02:

So it's important to understand that marriage isn't the defining aspect of your life, right? It is just one of many milestones. Yeah. Sometimes we approach marriage with this expectation that it's like achieving a gold medal, right? Like I know parents sometimes feel like that. Like they can take a deep breath.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, my children are married, alhamdulillah.

SPEAKER_02:

Now I can die.

SPEAKER_00:

No, now now I can enjoy my retirement.

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly. Like, and and parents put that pressure on their kids. Yeah, it's like a burden lifted. Yes, and God, marriage is just one of many milestones in your life. And if we don't achieve that, then God, we we've failed. So it's important to understand that everybody has a different timeline. All right, when we're in our 20s, we think, okay, we're gonna finish undergrad by 22, 23, finish graduate school by 26, get married right out the door. As soon as I get my diploma, my spouse is gonna be waiting down the street, and I'm gonna have my first kid within two years, second kid at 32, and I'm gonna be living in a beautiful mansion, retire by the age of 45, and have grandkids the next day.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

That doesn't happen. I can't think of a single person that that's happened to.

SPEAKER_00:

I can't think of a single person who thinks they're gonna retire by 44, especially with this economy.

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly. So if you were to ask me in my 20s, when do I think I'm gonna get married, I would have never imagined I would get I would get married at 34. Right? You probably never thought you were gonna get married at 30.

SPEAKER_00:

No, not at all.

SPEAKER_02:

Right? Everybody has a different timeline. And for some people, marriage is in that timeline, and for some people it isn't. Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Marriage is just a milestone, it's not the milestone. Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Um, so it's important that while we are keeping ourselves proactive and keeping the search alive, that we are still pursuing, not just pursuing, but adding value and meaning to our lives. And there's different ways we can do that, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, absolutely. You can, for example, travel somewhere that pushes you out of your comfort zone. Um, you can, I don't know, learn a new language or new languages. You can start something meaningful, whether it's a business, a community project, or a study circle, um mentoring the youth. And don't think about these as like fallback plans or like uh if marriage doesn't work out or like a second option or like that's a pity thing, or no, these we're talking about things that are meaningful, right?

SPEAKER_02:

And I want I've said this before and I'm gonna keep highlighting this point. This is while you are still being proactive. This does not mean you put the search on hold and say marriage isn't happening, I'm gonna put all my energy and focus into this. Yeah, no, marriage may happen at a later point in your life, it may not, but you never know what is written for you.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so yeah, the last thing we want from this episode is for you guys to just feel depressed and think that okay, so marriage is not happening, I should stop the search. Not at all. Never, not never, yeah. And you know, sometimes I feel it's culture that just adds to adds to the problem and uh creates this identity crisis. Like for example, we tie identity to roles oh, she's the wife, he's the husband, she's the mother, he's the provider. So if you don't meet these roles, you feel like a failure. When in fact, that's not true, because even people who have these roles sometimes can lose sense of identity.

SPEAKER_02:

And you know what's interesting? Wasn't it Imam Nawi that never got married?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and he's not the only one, by the way.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, there were many scholars and we have a legacy of scholars that never got married, but yet they can't contributed so much, yeah, right, because they didn't look at marriage as the end all be all of life. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00:

They had a bigger purpose. They had a bigger purpose, yeah. Yeah, so we end up because of these roles that were not met, we end up asking ourselves, who am I if I'm not any of these roles or any of these things. And actually being single just exposes how fragile our sense of self can be. When we associate our our worth to roles that should be met, then when these roles are not met, we feel like failures.

SPEAKER_02:

And when you say roles, you're talking specifically uh marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm talking about marriage, exactly. Husband, wife, uh, daughter-in-law, uh, mother, father, provider, all of these roles, right? When in fact our self-worth should be derived from our own values, and uh and if we stand up to those values, for example, I could be a nurturing person even if I'm not a mother. I could be a reliable person, I'm a reliable person even if I'm not a provider, if I'm not a husband. So there are other ways to fulfill these values in different roles.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Um, I'm trying to think of another example. I'm a leader. I'm a leader, even though I'm not married. Exactly. Right? You could be a leader in your community.

SPEAKER_00:

So thinking about these values opens new horizons for you to see ways, to find ways, how you can fulfill these values.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, to give back. To give back and to leave. So marriage is not the only context in which you can give back.

SPEAKER_00:

And sometimes sometimes marriage can hinder you from actually leaving uh that legacy or uh leaving that impact on the community. Because you could end up, I don't know, being busy 24-7 with three kids under the age of five. You could end up with um, I don't know, a kid with a child with special needs or a severe disability. You could end up with a husband who's just so emotionally unavailable, or a wife that's just nagging all the time. So you end up not fulfilling those values in the community. And you know what I notice a lot of single people do, they put their lives on hold until they get married. And they're always anticipating the next stage, so they're never experiencing full joy, whether that's uh delaying buying a house or delaying traveling to certain places, delaying certain projects, um, not prior prioritizing their or their health. They're like, oh, when I get married, I'll start uh eating healthy and going to the gym with my spouse. Or when I get married, I will start taking my dean more seriously. So they treat some people treat singlehood as a temporary stage instead of it being a full chapter on its own that you might end up in forever, you never know, right? So if you keep waiting for that thing to happen, you're not enjoying your life and time is passing.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, right. And it's reminds me of something we always say in our workshops too, which is and we quote someone else who actually said this, but merry reality, not potential. Right? So if you are a person who is working on potential, saying I'll be XYZ after marriage, and you're not applying that in the current mo uh present moment, yeah, then you're not setting yourself up advantageously for marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So whether you end up getting married or singlehood is a temporary stage for you, prepare as if you were getting married. Prepare in terms of self-improvement, in terms of strengthening your uh your relationship with Allah in terms of taking care of your health, your finances. If you get married, that's great. You'll have these things ready when you get married.

SPEAKER_02:

Being prepared for the moment.

SPEAKER_00:

Being prepared for the moment. And if you don't get married, if it's not in Allah's plan for you, then you've built these things for you for the future. So go ahead, travel to that destination you've always wanted to. Decorate your place the way you want, buy nice dishes, plan for the future, just live your life. Because Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala did not promise marriage. He promised Rizgh, he promised barakah, and that could come in a form of marriage or in a form of singlehood. Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on. Here you'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmaj.ca.

SPEAKER_02:

So people naturally at some point in their life tend to think about the impact that they're having on the people around them, right? And the impact that they're going to leave behind before they die. One of the things that people's thoughts and attitudes drift towards is children. Because your children are a reflection of you, right? And so when you that's why whenever you go to a party or something, parents are always insist in saying, Oh, this is my son, Abdullah, look at him.

SPEAKER_00:

Come, come, Habibi, come read some Quran to Ammu.

SPEAKER_02:

He's just reading Surah Iqhlass. Every child loves Surah Iqhlas. Right? With their brokenesses. So the point is that children is not children are not the only way to leave a legacy. Right? It's just one of many ways. And like Alhamdulillah, I've been privileged to have memorized the Quran. So one of the things that I was doing for many years to earn money was to teach Quran. So now that I think about it, in hindsight, hindsight is always 20-20, that uh even if I wasn't to get married, alhamdulillah, I've left a legacy where I've taught children Quran and in sure they're gonna grow up and get married and teach their kids Quran. That's nice. Right? Or as the hadith goes, right? Yeah. So at least I've fulfilled that and uh have some sort of lasting impact on the world in some way.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. So there are many ways to leave an impact, like you said, whether that's teaching the deen, whether that's uh spreading dawah, whether that's assisting new converts, whether that's building, you know, when I came to um when I came to an acceptance that I'm never getting married, you know what my future plan was? What? Building an orphanage. Oh I wanted to do that. There's a lot of ways, whether that's adopting, um, of course, in a way that aligns with Ardean, or adopting or sponsoring a child, whether that's uh like starting a wakf. Um what is a wakf? Wakf is like um a charity you leave that can't be touched or changed. So for example, uh you help in digging this uh well, and uh no one in the like you buy this land or whatever, you dig it, not with your own hand, but like you sponsor it, and then that's forever is there until like nobody can come and claim it uh for themselves. And that's a sadachajaria.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh whether maybe that's in writing, you can do writing to creating art, um, building projects, community mentorship, uh youth mentorship. There are million ways in one, whatever aligns with your passions and interests. But don't link everything to marriage and children. Uh you know what? Like I said before, what if you get married? And alhamdulillah, you're happy in your marriage, but Allah doesn't write children in your life, in your future. Then what does this mean? That like now your life is worthless?

SPEAKER_02:

Or you failed.

SPEAKER_00:

Or you failed?

SPEAKER_02:

No, no, no. Of course not.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, adopting this mindset turns singlehood into a mission instead of a waiting period.

SPEAKER_02:

I can see that.

SPEAKER_00:

Like you're always looking for what's the next what's the next thing I can do? What is the next impact I can have instead of just sitting there, oh when is it gonna happen? When am I gonna get married? We're not saying staying single is nice. We're not saying that oh, marriage is not that glamorous, it's not that exciting, like you're not missing out on a lot. No, marriage is beautiful, marriage is an erma.

SPEAKER_02:

For sure.

SPEAKER_00:

For sure. But what we're trying to say is singlehood can be something beautiful as well.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. And it's not something that's guaranteed. Yeah. Um you're talking about marriage. I'm talking about marriage, yeah. So yeah. Your your worth as a human being, your ability to give back to the community and leave a legacy and all of those things, it's not conditional on marriage. Yeah. Uh and the last thing I want to share with you guys is to have a consistent spiritual practice, right? Consistently making dua uh for marriage, for purpose and meaning in your life. For barakah. For barakah to allow Allah to open doors for you where you can release those those passions and and things and and the things that you're good at. Yeah. Right? Like we talked about reliability, leadership, and things like that.

SPEAKER_00:

And ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for ruda, for content in whatever whatever situation you find yourself in. And if you if you want to pray for the for marriage, also be specific with your du'a. Not you were. I was I shared this uh multiple times. I was very specific. I was like ordering a burger, you could say. And Allah delivered subhanahu wa ta'ala. So don't be shy with Allah. Just open your heart to Him, no one's judging you. And um, before we leave you guys, we uh like if you look at the description of this episode, we are linking a PDF file of 10 practical steps you can do right now if you are single, if your marriage maybe is not in the plan for you, 10 practical things you can start implementing today. Let us know your thoughts on this episode. Um let us know how it left you feeling. We'd really love to read some comments. Yeah, and inshallah we'll see you on the next one.