00:00 - Temple (Host)
Welcome to. I Married Bipolar. This is May mental health month. This is part two. We're doing a four-part series where we I mean we are always focusing on our mental health, but we're just taking it a little bit further so that we have some more practical measures on how to take care of ourselves. And it's important that we keep redirecting back, as the partners and spouses of somebody living with bipolar, on how are we doing? How's your mental health, how's your brain, how's your physical health, how's your relationships outside of your bipolar loved one? So the relationship with yourself is the most important one. So we're going to get into that. 

00:43
I wanted to talk about this little quote that I found from Gabor Matè. Do you know who he is? Have you all heard of him? He wrote a book and just released it, called the Myth of Normal. I learned of him in college a few years ago when I was going to school for addiction education, and he was talking about addiction in a different way where in American culture, we very much identify people as an addict. We lock them into that term you are an addict, you never not be an addict and that is it. And he has a different approach. He has a just a more fluid way. So now he's talking about mental health because obviously there's been a climb. There's been a significant climb in mental health diagnoses in the last few years from isolation and from being alone with your partners, without a referee, and people smoking way too much weed and drinking way too much alcohol and triggering all their symptoms, especially for people with bipolar. They're not supposed to smoke weed PS, thc, bad for mania. But what he said I actually watched him on Instagram and he was talking about the exchange of the titles, that we're using our titles as the reason why something is wrong and then the reason why something is wrong is why we got the title or the diagnosis. 

02:14
So why is that person acting that way? Why are they like snapping and raging like that? Well, they have bipolar, oh okay. So why doesn't that person have bipolar? Well, because they're raging and snapping like that, oh okay. Well, why are they raging and snapping like that? You see what I'm saying we're taking the symptom and the diagnosis and we're just interchanging them as like that's the whole conversation. 

02:40
I go, I stay in bed all day because I have depression. I have depression because I stay in bed all day. He's inviting. I have depression because I stay in bed all day. He's inviting us to peel back another layer and start going back to the roots and having more conversation about how did we get here? Not let's just spout out our diagnoses and then qualify our symptoms. We do that a lot for our partners. I definitely do that. I still my mom to this day. She has short-term memory and she's like why is he acting like that? And I go because he has bipolar. Oh, she keeps forgetting. I think, yeah, still has bipolar, still has those symptoms. But is that the end of the story? Absolutely not. 

03:23
Why does my husband have all this deep rooted, deep seated anger, fear, paranoia, defensiveness against the world? It comes from his life, the life that he's lived. And then, in addition, there is a brain illness that is working alongside his trauma. That's creating a very complicated person. So when we simplify it by saying, well, bipolar does this and this is why we have bipolar, all we're doing is chasing symptoms and chasing them with meds. Really, we're trying to get them down with meds. And then, once they get down with the meds, we go, oh good, everything's going to be fine. Then you realize it's not. It's not fine just from the medication. There's much deeper work that has to be done and they are a reflection of our deep-rooted stuff that we carried into the marriage ourselves and the relationships ourselves. 

04:27
Because I can ask myself the same question why did Temple marry somebody with bipolar? Well, because she's codependent, okay. Well, why does Temple care about what her husband thinks about her? Well, because he's bipolar. You know what I mean. I'm in the same cycle, we're all in the same cycle. I have a focus group that I've been doing and the focus group has worked so well because you really get to kind of dissect where you are in each other's stages of recovery. It's really the epitome of peer support. But then you add Temple in there. So one of our members was talking about her kids and how they don't want to talk about, how they feel about their dad. That's interesting that you're just now starting to have this conversation and she's like what do I do with my kids? And I've gotten a few people asking what do I say to my kids? And I've been thinking about it a lot and kind of diving into all my resources and thinking about that. And I used to be a foster parent for teenagers and I used to teach classes and all that. So I do have some insight into the teenage brain, but currently kids are really kind of they're training each other to not acknowledge their feelings but to acknowledge their symptoms. 

05:40
Everybody wants a diagnosis now, and then they use the phrase I'm feeling some type of way. What type is that? We've got 500 emotions to choose from. If we don't teach our kids how to identify their feelings, then they're going to feel lost when they're in a marriage or committed relationship and things don't go right, which they inevitably will have dynamics that are going to bump up against each other and they can't identify that they're feeling dismissed or they're feeling unvalidated, or they're feeling humiliated or shamed or embarrassed. You know, or they're not, they're, they're angry. 

06:18
We have to be able to say how we are feeling by identifying it and talking about it, and not be afraid of those feelings or those words, even like oh, that makes me really scared to think that my dad has this illness that can change him in certain days, or whatever. Okay, that's good, thank you. Thank you for sharing that. You're scared, but let me show you what we have in place. You know, we have a safety plan and we have counselors and we have doctors and you know, let's write out what you see. What do you see in these mood changes and how do those mood changes affect you? Because that's what we're doing here in this room. I married bipolar is. How does bipolar affect us? 

07:05
We have to do the same thing for our kids is to give them permission to speak up and say I feel affected, so that they don't go into freeze and fawn or go into fight and flight, especially boys, young teenagers, coming up with new testosterone like ready to get in a fight or run away, because they don't want to tell you how they're really feeling, that they don't think this is safe or they don't think this is healthy. You have to be able to let them have their feelings, and us too. Let me give you another little tool. It's the Abraham Hicks Emotional Scale, if you can Google that Abraham Hicks Emotional Scale, and it has like 22 different emotions and it categorizes them like one through 22 on vibration. 

07:58
You know, like energy, like love is a high energy, despair is a low energy, anger is in there and it's kind of in the middle and actually anger is a higher energy than despair, because some people think like, oh, probably the worst energy to have is like raging anger but actually vibrationally in your body, the way you feel it. Anger can be a very empowering energy for us and it can get you to say what you need to say sometimes. But unhealthy anger that's suppressed, suppressing feelings, is what gets you into the despair and hopelessness vibration. So print that up and just have that with you when you talk to your kids and say, let's just put this up and you can just just point, like, when this happens, where are you feeling? When I just told you about this, how do you feel? Hopeless, lost, or hopeful or love. So you know it's better than silence, because silence is suppression and then suppression leads to illness. 

09:05
And you know, let me just give you just some quick tips, okay, about de escalating, not just for your spouse but also for yourself. So this comes from vantage point consulting, and they, they consult police officers about de escalation. And here's a little five step trick. Number one you're going to speak calmly and in the right tone. Okay, they're going up, you're not going down, you're not gonna get whisper, but just find your tone, your natural tone, and speak right there. Try to speak clearly and confidently about what you want, and I'll get to that in a second your body language. Notice what your body does. So like when you have a panic attack. Scott, if you're still there, like what happens to your body when you start to have a panic attack? Can you tell what your body starts to do? 

10:02 - Scott (Guest)
Yeah, mine are different. I've had variations, but it's mostly shaky. Today it kind of went from like frustration, extreme frustration and anger to just exhaustion and shaking, and then I crashed for about an hour after taking Klonopin. 

10:18 - Temple (Host)
Okay, so, yeah, so do you start to feel that kind of quakiness inside your body and the shortness of breath? 

10:26 - Scott (Guest)
Yeah, very much Okay. 

10:29 - Temple (Host)
So you're a very good example of how important the skills of de-escalation are, because you can feel it in your own body as she's rapid cycling. So if you are paying attention to your body language and you start to feel that little quakiness start to come on, you're definitely going to want to stop whatever you're doing. Okay, if you're in the kitchen, if you're, if you're slicing up something, definitely put down the kitchen knife, Scott. Okay, number one, put down the kitchen knife. Step away from what you're doing and disengage. You know, if you're feeding the dog or whatever it is you're doing, just stop yourself for a minute and try to put your body in a relaxed stance and make a connection with your loved one. Make a connection like looking them in the eyes, if you can. 

11:20
If they're walking back and forth, yelling, you probably can't, but at least like put your attention towards them. And well, I mean this kind of goes without saying. But if there's any weapons in the area, like sharp knives, things like that, gently put those out of the way as well. But what you want to do is provide them with a choice to help empower them in the moment. So it's it's critical to remember that de-escalation is like on a spectrum you don't know, like if they're furious then you might not be able to do anything but stop, drop and roll out and go call crisis. But if they are just highly agitated and maybe repeating the scripts, sometimes they get a script in their head about things that have gone wrong or things that they feel you haven't done, and they just repeat that. What you can do is connect with them there and acknowledge what's going on. 

12:16 - Scott (Guest)
Hey, listen I understand yeah. Like let's role play for a second. The script part really hit home. I'd never heard that before, but it's dead on, yeah. 

12:25 - Temple (Host)
Yeah, there's a lot of talk about scripts and you know the repeat symptoms that are kind of common denominators. The way that you know your person is stuck in a cycle that's definitely a red flag is when they go back to their tapes, like they have tapes that they use that they just hit, play on, and that's because their memory recall is compromised, their amygdala changes, their frontal lobe changes, they're not able to have the rational speech. So they just go with what they know. And there are scripts in their head that have been written that they know how to blurt out very quickly and very passionately to be effective. And there are scripts in their head that have been written that they know how to blurt out very quickly and very passionately to be effective. And the point of that is to get you to go away. So that works on like she can get you to go away, right. 

13:16 - Scott (Guest)
How, yeah, how would you handle that same type of situation? But if it's over texts, do you have any advice on escalation that way? Because a lot of my-. 

13:25 - Temple (Host)
Yeah, that's a great question. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I don't text because that is a disaster waiting to happen. You have to cut it quick. Davina, are you confirming or you got something to say? 

13:44 - Davina (Co-host)
So really fast who? I'm not sure if you're familiar with Scott, but as somebody with really high anxiety and I have ADHD and my partner's bipolar one with psychotic features and another bouquet of alphabet soup do not text, don't ignore them. But don't engage either and I know that's the hardest thing to do Like I've literally left my partner on read just because I'm like I'm not engaging when you're like this. But no matter how you broach that, they're going to read it in all the wrong voices. They're going to put whatever tone they want to infer in there, and Julie Fast constantly offers that to us. Do not handle anything important via text like that, especially if they're in a mood swing because they're going to hear a whole different language than what you meant to say because of their illness. You could word it as carefully as you want to, they don't care. 

14:30 - Scott (Guest)
I'm a lawyer and I try to, and I still screw it up. So I'm used to being careful with my words, but I fall into that trap every time. So that's good advice. I'll try to figure out how to do that without getting that to set her off. 

14:42 - Davina (Co-host)
Well, let me help you Through a minefield. It's like no matter where you take a step, you're going to get blown up. So even the best attorneys in the world don't have to sit there and stand on landmines every step they take. 

14:56 - Temple (Host)
You know I was going to give you a practical tip here, Scott, there's an app that I use with all my clients and I use with all my family members, called Marco Polo. Have you heard of that one? Yeah, it's a video walkie talkie app. So my husband loves this because he can speak uninterrupted speak uninterrupted. And I love it because I get to put my face in the camera and, you know, let him see how I feel and what my tone is. He doesn't get to interpret it through messenger. So Marco Polo or WhatsApp, you know, even messenger has you can make like a 60 second video, so switch it over to video. If you guys are starting to escalate, just switch over to Marco Polo and get on the camera and send a message and say honey, I feel like things are starting to climb here, that the energy is starting to get too high, so why don't you just let me know? Is there anything I can do to support you right now? 

16:02 - Scott (Guest)
I like it. Thank you. Yes, I'll stop taking up so much time, but I appreciate all of your everything you offered. It was helpful. 

16:08 - Temple (Host)
No, your time was totally valuable. I'm glad you came up and I hope you keep coming back. All right, thanks, Scott. We talk a lot about this. I'm going to do some plugs here to give you some resources, but we talk a lot about this in our focus groups. Talk about running scripts together and doing sample scenarios on if this, then we what? And I was just talking with Sonia about that. 

16:31
Sonia and I had to run scripts today because her husband was having a breakthrough symptom. The mother-in-law got involved. You know, things start happening and and she's like what am I supposed to do? You know, so she's able to Marco Polo me and tell me the scenario, and then I'm able to give her one or two lines to practice, and then she was able to take that to her family. So my website, templesworld.org, and in my website I have packages of support, but those are all independent support. 

17:07
But I've started working with focus groups because many of you are experiencing the same things baseline needs, which is to get your safety plan figured out of what it is, what the triggers are, how to have the conversation, how to get a power of attorney, how to get your release of information, how to even have those conversations with your bipolar loved one, how to have scripts of de-escalation for yourself, like, what do I do to protect myself when I've been triggered too far and now I'm the one yelling, screaming, stomping, breaking stuff? Okay, how do you help yourself? Do you know how to create a boundary around yourself when you feel yourself going into an adrenaline push? Those are all things that we do one-on-one, and I'm starting a new focus group and it's going to be a. It's a very intimate one, and what we're going to do in six weeks is make sure you have your foundational safety set on. 

18:08
What is your safety plan? What is your mood tracker plan, how to deescalate, how to do your self care, how to run scripts with your friends and family members and how to speak to the mental health system as an advocate for your loved one. So if that's something that you're interested in, please message me through Instagram. Also, guess what, scott? You get to Marco Polo me Monday through Friday, any time. So not only do we get a one-on-one on Tuesday. If you have a crisis at all during the week, you can follow me and I will return your message within 24 hours. 

18:47
So I am an over giver. I can't help myself, but it's all worth it to me because I love you and I think that these are some of the most intellectual and beautiful and empathic people. If we could get our healing done, then you're all going to share it with everybody and all your families and all your partners are going to be affected by your healing. So a little bit goes a long way. Make sure that you know how important you are and your effect of the consciousness of everybody around you. All right, well, Davina, do you have any closing words? Or? I didn't even look at the chat today. Is there anything I need to address? 

19:28 - Davina (Co-host)
I think we're good. What's funny is you know I had all these resources for somatic healing. And how to you know interpret your central nervous system and calm down the parasympathetic nervous system so that we can all stay healthy? 

19:42 - Temple (Host)
I'm glad you said that, because I'm actually going to pay more attention to my Facebook page, which is Temple's World. On Facebook I really don't give it much attention at all. I just post on Instagram and then sometimes Instagram will throw it over to Facebook. But we have so many good resources and I want to start dropping them in there. So if you could follow me on Facebook under Temple's World is my page and Davina, you can drop those resources in there. You should be able to post on my site. We'll see, but I'll make sure you can. But I'm going to start giving that more attention and just things like you know, Julie's new book, Gabor Matè's new book, things like that. We need to start dropping that in there. So please follow me, not only on Instagram. I married bipolar, but Facebook is temples world and my website is temples world.