00:03 - Temple (Host)
What went right for you this year and what didn't? Not so much what didn't go right but what could have been different. If we just focus on what didn't go right, that's kind of going to draw us right back into what didn't go right so that we can correct it. But if we use what didn't go right as a means of contrast to educate ourselves on what could have gone better means of contrast to educate ourselves on what could have gone better so bear that in mind when you think back of the year, of some of the things that went horribly wrong. What was your part in it? What do you wish you could have done differently? And, if you could do it over now, what are the things you've learned to move forward? That's some good questions. So, sam, you're first up. Can you talk a little bit about your year or your holidays and some of the things that went really right for you and some things that you could have done better and will want to do better? 

00:59 - Guest (Guest)
Yeah, I think this was a really transformative year for me. It was really hard, but it also taught me a lot of lessons and through it I kind of now, towards the end of the year, are coming into a much more positive, truly healthy, happy, peaceful place, so that I'm really thankful for. What could have been different is, honestly, this group. I wish I would have existed in January, but because I think a big part of this has, your group especially has really helped me find the tools in managing the bipolar and also not losing myself and I think, a year, like you know, towards the beginning of the year, I was just trying to survive. I was just trying to learn what each day was to bring, because every day was something different. 

01:44
Are you going to be depressed? Are you day was something different? Are you going to be depressed? Are you going to be manic? Are you going to be volatile? Are you going to be normal? Are we going to go to the movies or are you going to flip a table Like it was? 

01:51
Just every day was something and now that unfortunately, it took it hitting a breaking point to get better, but now at least there's a plan and there's a rhythm and there's consistency and like even today, like my husband has not really been sleeping too well, he just hasn't been feeling good with the sleep apnea machine, and like he's just off, he's tired, it's not, but it's a mixed the bite, it's a trigger for the bipolar. 

02:15
And he just looked at me and he was like I would have been very crazy, like three months ago, like I just want to go to bed. I was like cool, here's dinner, here's dinner, here's a quiet room, here's lights off, do what you got to do. Where I think I would have overanalyzed that because after two nights of not sleeping six months ago or a year ago it would have been a delirium and mania and running around the house and, you know, freaking out over nothing, where at least now we kind of have good strategies. So I guess that's the most important thing I learned this year is just how to cope with this to make it livable and a truly peaceful life, not just surviving, but living. 

02:55 - Temple (Host)
Yeah, that's a really good point and that's a really good transition point. When you make a shift where you're not just in survival mode but you're you're actually learning to live again. We all have, we all have pain, we all have conditional problems, whether they're diagnosed or labeled or not. But we all have reasons to withdraw. We all have reasons to get angry. You know, women have a monthly cycle that gives us reasons to do all kinds of crazy shit every month, but they don't give us a diagnosis of insanity like they used to in the 1800s with your period. 

03:32
But yet we can get feel really off. I know, I certainly do. I'm in the back nine of menopause and I feel way off at least a week and a half out of every month. And I can't just tell people like you know, hey, it's probably menopause, but I hate everybody right now. It's just not not a nice way to be. So I have to find ways to be in harmony with the people around me, and that might be. I do so much and then I stop and I break away and I say I need to have some time alone. 

04:03
We have our own coping skills on how to take care of ourselves and it's hard when you're dealing with somebody that doesn't know their own coping skills yet. They're learning. Bipolar is still a new experience for a lot of our partners and they don't really know what their best coping skills are compared to us that have, you know, learned how to deal with pain since we were 12 years old, so I understand what you're saying there, sam, where it's like, okay, we both have to learn to ebb and flow together. When he's not feeling balanced, what can you do besides just go into caretaker mode? Can you give him space? Can you make your own plan? What can you do to still be a whole person? 

04:45
when he's not feeling well. Does that sound kind of like what you're, what you're trying to let go of? 

04:51 - Guest (Guest)
Yeah, absolutely, and I think it's more also for me personally like the expectation of what I thought life would look like. But I kind of feel like with everything it's kind of been a brand new start and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It definitely makes me more ambitious for next year and things and goals that I feel like I had to push back due to the circumstances. But yeah, I just think, just learning how to take care of myself while also taking care of him, and then also having a job where I take care of someone also. So I do a lot of taking care of people. So I just have to make sure I still maintain taking care of myself. 

05:25 - Temple (Host)
Absolutely, and it's difficult to ask for help as caretakers. I do know that. So I just want to remind everybody that if you are somebody that takes care of another person or your job involves a lot of caretaking, make sure you have your own resources. You know whether it's a counselor or a group, or you know coach or best friend, whatever it is that you have your own resources. You know whether it's a counselor or a group, or you know a coach or best friend, whatever it is that you have at least a handful of people that you know, you could. 

05:57
As a caretaker you become kind of like ultra independent where if you start asking for help it almost feels like, well, if I have to ask for help, then I'm not going to have the strength to do everything I need to do, Because you have to be vulnerable. When you ask other people for help and they say, yes, I want to help you, how are you doing? Then you have to be vulnerable to tell people how you're doing and then the vulnerability can kind of take your energy down a little bit. When you're in caretaker mode your energy has to stay up and strong and consistent. I know there's a lot of people that say, like, make sure you're getting help, make sure you're getting help. 

06:39
Well, sometimes I have to not ask for help because it might be too exposing for me in that moment. If my husband is, you know, having rapid cycles and psychosis and I have to be on high alert, there's a mode I have to kick into to make sure that the house keeps moving and we're not escalating to a place of having to call the police or something. Then I might not be asking to cry on anybody's shoulder in that moment. I'll ask for help in a way that I call his psychiatrist and I call his doctors, but I don't need emotional support in that moment. What I need is action. And then, when the dust settles and the cycle has passed, that's when I talk to my counselor and that's when I get to cry and, you know, that's when I talk to my people, where I can let myself be vulnerable again, to be restored. 

07:32 - Guest (Guest)
That is spot on. I definitely find myself not telling anybody anything. Just we call it 70 and happy, 70 and sunny, you know, like that's how I am 1000% of the time 70 and sunny, because it's too exhausting to explain everything. And then I don't need any judgment about why somebody reacted some type of way and do. I think that that's okay. And I don't care about all that. All I'm trying to do is maintain peace within the household, mainly all the time. I have a therapist. We can professionally talk it out, we can professionally cry it out. I definitely don't want to just alert my entire family or even my friends with that kind of stuff. You know yeah. 

08:24 - Temple (Host)
I get that. I'm lucky enough that my group of friends. They really know what's going on because of the obvious cognitive struggles that my husband has because he's on disability. I can't really hide it. You know my husband was going to work, it wouldn't be like that so much. But clearly if my husband's home and on disability and he can walk and talk, they know that he's home because of a mental disability. 

08:48
So I'm lucky that my friends really understand that so I can tell them you know, this is a really tough week and just kind of leave it at that and they'll do more of like cheering me up than trying to get me to cry, but the counselor is my place to let it out if I'm really having a rough time. 

09:05 - Guest (Guest)
It's a day to day thing as, as all of you know, can be perfect for a while. 

09:09 - Temple (Host)
Take the question, and what? What do you reflect back on on some things that went well for you? Maybe you've learned your lesson a few times and you got it, or were there any new lessons? 

09:20 - Guest (Guest)
Yeah. So I definitely feel like our communication is really great right now it's easy for me to just pretty much call him out on what's happening and it's easy for him to receive it right now. So maybe not in that exact moment, but definitely the next day, we can resolve pretty much anything. So let me give you a little example of that, which happened to be Christmas at my parents' house. We go over, everything's fine. 

09:51
I knew it was going to be a long day. I knew my baby probably wasn't going to get a nap and I told Matthew early on that we were going to be there for a long time. So he decided that he wanted to go to this little brewery over by our house like around noon to hang out with his friends before he got into holiday mode. So I told him like that's fine, but just know that you're with my family until I say tonight. So he did it, everything was fine, everything was going fine. But then he started kind of panicking, like I would say, after we all ate, we're opening presents, we're playing a game he's good for one game and then we go into the second game and he's like giving me the eyes across the room like you ready and I'm like uh, no, we're not going yet. 

10:38
Like we haven't had dessert. It's traditional around here. So I just kind of brushed him off and sent him with my dad and they hung out and whatever. And then he like comes back in and he's like the baby really needs to go to bed. We're like an hour past their bedtime. We need to go home. I just want to let you guys know we live four minutes from my parents' house, so like he could probably walk at this point. 

11:00
But I didn't suggest that. I was just like suck it up, we're here. You know, I was really just trying to like keep him happy while having a good time with my family, because I don't see them very often. So everything was going great and then I could tell he was just like done. So he's like let's go. So I start to wrap it up. 

11:19
I'm like okay, getting the presents, getting the food together, just trying to balance all the things with my family, and my family is the type of people you can't scoot out, like if they, if you scoot out and don't say bye to every single person, kiss and hug, like no, we're Italians, that's not going to fly. There might be a problem. So I'm trying to do that. He's scooping the baby outside. She's in the car. Now he's good to go. 

11:44
He comes back in for like a fifth time and is like we need to go. So embarrassing, right. This is like my family. Come on, suck it up. Wait in the car for five freaking more minutes for me, but no, so we go home. All of a sudden he just gets super emotional, starts crying like fetal position. I'm so sorry because you spend all this time with your family and I'm really so hurt about my own family. Like I'm like he's going into like almost a panic attack and I'm just feeling so bad because I'm almost like in shock. I was almost mad at him for being such a jerk at my mom's house, but then, like now I'm realizing this is way bigger than today. So I just ran him a bath, calmed him down, put him in bed. The next day we talked about it and I was like okay, for one, you need to bring your bike If we're going to my parents they're going to stay for a long time, cause if you feel like you need to go, you could just ride your bike home. 

12:43
He was like, okay. Next we had another thing like in a couple more days he's like I'm gonna bring my bike that day. I was like, okay, cool, and we got to like talk it out. And then it was like, okay, here are the things that you should write down for your therapist so you can talk it out with them the next time and maybe we can get like into these deep issues. So maybe it's not a problem for next time and these deep issues can get resolved with your family. So it was kind of eye-opening. I went through a world of emotions but I feel like, since our communication was so good, we were able to actually come full circle and put a plan in place for the next time where he could feel comfortable and I could, and also just coming out with these deep issues. We call them like perpetual problems, these perpetual problems that need to get resolved within, like his own childhood. Basically, it was wild. Sorry to talk your guys' ears off. 

13:37 - Temple (Host)
I mean that's so relevant. 

13:38
I bet everybody here can relate to that, because you have a plan for yourself and your family and bipolar always has some kind of alternate plan in the background, stirring, definitely trying to just do what you can do to keep the original family plan in place and in the meanwhile bipolar is kind of like losing steam to to hang in there. And then there was a trigger and there was a fallout, and yet you guys still managed to be loving to each other, stay communicative to each other and you know there was no flip out. And then you also had like a morning after plan. You had a problem solving solution to bring your bike. I mean, I'm impressed, thank you, that is beautiful. I like to hear that. 

14:32 - Guest (Guest)
Thank you so much. I feel like we both felt really good after too, like it was just like all right. This is crazy. Holidays are crazy and my parents all know like what's going on with them. They've seen his cycle many times, but they just they choose when it's happening to like withdraw. You know, danielle, you should probably go talk to Matthew right now. He might lose it, but they're not judgy for him either. They know like he needs to go have his time and then go home. But also, I don't get into the nitty gritty with them either. 

15:04 - Temple (Host)
Yeah, good for them, though, too, to just stay aware and stay neutral, but be on your team For sure. 

15:11 - Guest (Guest)
Wow, thanks for letting me share, you guys. 

15:14 - Temple (Host)
Great share, Great share. I love it. That's beautiful. I love to hear that there's progress in the relationship. Good on Matthew for being vulnerable in the relationship. Good on Matthew for being vulnerable, using his emotions to show you and tell you what's happening instead of using anger that's. That's always a win. We just talked about being vulnerable takes a lot of energy. You have to really pull that wall down, but if you're, if you're triggered and you use anger, that's kind of that's a surface one. 

15:44
It's easy to just pop that off to show people how you're feeling, but to get upset to actually cry, you have to dig in to let that happen. So I'm proud of him and I'm proud of you, and bless your family, danny. You're doing a great job, okay. Okay, courtney, you are next in line for a check-in. Our resident bipolar guest I don't know, I need a special title for you, courtney, I'll take it. That's awesome and a bipolar PS. I don't mean to say it that way. You're a beautiful, delightful woman. 

16:25
We do like to hear from you because you come from the other side. That gives us the insight and I really like, when you come, courtney, and you can give us a little bit of check in on what went right for you and your spouse, you know, like, what's your view of it when things go wrong. You felt you wanted to flip a table, but instead you curled up and cried. 

16:47 - Guest (Guest)
Almost. I almost had a panic attack on my way to my in-laws. We pulled up and I started to panic, but then I realized what we discussed earlier, like stay in the moment and to expect the unexpected when it comes to bipolar. So I remember those little key tidbits that you mentioned, like before the holidays happened, and that it had definitely helped by keeping in the present moment and I ended up having a great time over at my in-laws and enjoying myself, and I liked that my husband was able to spend that time with his brother and his father. So that was my highlight of my holiday was to see my husband enjoy that time with his family. 

17:25 - Temple (Host)
Oh, that's so nice to hear. So, courtney, how'd you do with timeframe? Like Danny was saying, spending all day with family? Like that, do you do okay? And like alcohol, how'd you do? Did you partake? 

17:41 - Guest (Guest)
I did partake in a little bit of Moscato and that was fun. Yeah, because I knew like alcohol and lithium are just a big no-no usually. So I don't drink to get hammered or anything like that, I just drink because it's the holiday and it's a social thing that we do. We're not Italian by any means, but we do enjoy our Moscato every Christmas, taking it moment by moment. The day went by fast so I didn't have that time to sit down and panic. 

18:08 - Temple (Host)
Nice. That's a really good share and a great reflection about really being conscious. I I feel like that too, actually, as the spouse where I have to go moment, my moment. 

18:18
But I do have general plan and I wanted to have a couple drinks I I rarely drink anymore because my husband shouldn't drive. His medications are really heavy and you know I can't really rely on that, so I almost never drink anymore. It's been several years where I'm the driver, so I just plan on how am I going to have a good time without needing to get wasted or everybody's drinking and the pressure comes in. Eat these peaches soaked in brandy. Sure, I'll have a couple of peaches. Okay, well, now let's do shots. It can go really quickly. You know what I mean. But I I was able to have a couple of drinks, but I did post some pictures cause I wanted y'all to see that I had a really good time. 

19:04
Most of you know I was a foster mom years ago, but my best friend was a foster mom and all of her daughters are in their 30s now and we have we have this big extended foster family of five daughters and their husbands and boyfriends and kids, and so we really have a good time together because we're not obligated by blood related like we chose each other, and so we really want to be together, even though we do have our problems. Believe me, we have our problems, but there's more of a choice. Like I, choose to work things out with you. So instead of I have to work things out with you, this is a little bit different vibe. We had such a wonderful time. People did get pretty trashed towards the end of the night and it was funny and it was fine, but I went home safe and sound, got everybody home and then the next morning both my parents were here. We ended up having just a really wonderful Christmas morning. My husband has been in great spirits and he went to go see his family. 

20:05
Here's a breakthrough moment. He hasn't spent time with his family in like 10 years and I insisted I was starting to lose it, and so I was just literally running around like a chicken with my head cut off, making sure everybody was fed, and I started to lose my shit. I said somebody needs to leave. I said, chris, I need you to find somebody else that you could be for a couple days, because I cannot be your everything right now. I need to give my attention to my dad, and I kind of forced him to go. But his dad said, yeah, he could come. So I dropped him off. It was an hour and a half drive. I dropped him off and four days later his dad brought him back and there was no drama. I'm glad we made that little breakthrough, that his family at least took one step in saying, hey, I'm still here, whatever they are. Maybe you'll never see him again, I don't know, but I felt better. He felt better. 

21:03 - Guest (Guest)
Steph, you want to share next? I had an okay. 

21:06 - Guest (Guest)
Christmas with my husband. I mean just as a recap. He was in a mixed episode for about 13 months and he came out of it in about the second week of November. We had a nice Christmas together. He even made a post on his Instagram saying that it was one of the first Christmases in a long time. He can remember actually enjoying himself, which is kind of strange to me because it didn't seem like he enjoyed himself that much, but I guess he did. 

21:31
I did get him to speak to his dad again, which was nice. They hadn't talked since Father's Day, and Father's Day was the weekend he first left us. I had found out a few days before that he was having an emotional affair with somebody that worked for us and he left. But his dad came over for Father's Day and there were some stern words and my husband, with his pride, didn't take too kindly to the things his dad was saying because he's a grown man. But you know I'm glad that his dad stood up for me. I really felt good. But they did finally speak on Christmas Day and they made amends and I know it made his dad feel a lot better because he was, you know, really missing him and I know it made my husband feel better too, because he loves his dad. 

22:19
But, like I said, his pride got in the way and the biggest thing that I'm struggling with with him is him grasping his bipolar and grasping that the things that he did were mostly the bipolar. I'm not saying there wasn't an aspect of him in a lot of the stuff he did, but he seems to think that he was connected he's like I feel, connected to everything that I did. You know he remembers everything. Well, at least he thinks he remembers everything. He surely does not remember some of the things he said. He's been so stubborn about it. And that's just my husband in a nutshell, but I think it's also bipolar, so it's like double whammy. 

22:47
We did have a little bit of an argument last night and I guess that's why I'm not more excited to share an update, because things were going pretty decent and then he was kind of an ass to me last night concerning his bipolar, and I'm trying to remember that I think it's him being defensive because he still doesn't want to accept that he doesn't have control over this, the control that he would like to have. You know, he's seeing a new psychiatrist and that's been wonderful and she's already taking him off of the absolutely nonsensical medication that the last trash doctor had him on and he's doing okay, weaning off of it. He was on two SSRIs which I'm sure some of you know are triggering for people with bipolar, can be triggering but are very triggering usually. But he was on those for six years and mood stabilizers at the same time. It's been interesting, he's weaning off of one and then he'll wean off the other and he's been very sweet to me. So that's nice. 

23:44
Except for last night and I think I just hit a soft spot with his insecurity surrounding him, not feeling in control, I think because this was really his first recognized manic event and, like I said, it lasted 13 months. So I think he's just still grasping the fact that this happened and all of the fallout from it. We're still paying for an apartment that he can't seem to get rid of. So that's a little stressful. That's $2,000 a month that I don't have. But we got along during Christmas and it was mostly nice. He was mostly supportive and helpful with our kids, but I feel like I'm just completely burnt out. And you ladies were saying earlier about you know self care and you know setting boundaries and, you know, mentioning how you wanted to stay at you know your in-laws longer and that's what I wanted to do with Christmas and I kind of put my foot down. I was like we're not going until. 

24:42
I'm ready to go. I don't get to see my family or do anything. I'm tired of the world revolving around him and I was like you're gonna have to suck it up for tonight, because this this night is not not everything, it's just about you. So that kind of felt empowering, that felt really nice. I feel like I'm moving a little bit further away from being a pushover and either speaking up about how I feel or just completely backing off and like disappearing, and by that I mean, like you know, like, rather than engaging and trying to pick at a fight or escalate things, I'm just saying yeah, okay, and then just either walking out of the room and taking some time, you know, because I know that he's going to just pick at it further, and that's been really hard to learn, but it's been helpful. 

25:26 - Guest (Guest)
Absolutely. So what's one thing that you want to do like better going forward, Because I 100% agree with everything you're saying. 

25:33 - Guest (Guest)
One thing I do want to do better going forward is that's kind of what I was getting to is that I want to take better care of myself. I want to put more energy into myself and my hobbies and my job personal things. For me, that doesn't include me dragging my kids along with me everywhere. I'm going to my cousin's baby shower in Virginia, which is about a six hour drive for me, and I'm going by myself in March and I'm excited and I told him. I said I didn't ask him. I said you need to make sure that you don't have work these days and you need to figure out if you know, my mother in law can come help you, because I'm not going to be here. 

26:07
I'm not asking permission for things anymore. I'm not saying, hey, can you see if it's like no, this is what I'm doing, because I'm a human being and I'm not giving up my entire life to dance around his feelings and I just want to put myself first more so that's one thing in 2022, that I'm really going to strive for, without, you know, being a bitch about it or anything like. I want to be, you know, supportive and caring, but I also want to make sure that I start taking better care of myself, because I haven't been and I've been sick and I've been stressed and I've been trying to change things and do things. And it's like here I am neglecting my own life, neglecting my business, neglecting everything. That's not fair to me, like I only get one life, you know. So that's what I want to do better. So sorry for rambling. 

26:50 - Guest (Guest)
Steph, no worries, you're not rambling. I feel like all of us 100% agree with everything that you're saying. 

26:58 - Guest (Guest)
And. 

26:58 - Guest (Guest)
I feel like you're being really strong by drawing boundaries and establishing kind of a routine which is so awesome. 

27:06 - Guest (Guest)
Thanks. You know what I think the hardest thing is learning not to treat him like a child. He is a grown adult. Yes, he does have this mental disorder and I know it's debilitating, but he is also an adult. He is not a teenage boy and he's not a little boy, and I don't want to be his mom, I want to be his partner. So that's kind of where I'm trying to work on being like well, I support you, but you also need to figure some of this out yourself. I can't solve all of your problems for you, so that's another thing I kind of want to do in 2022 is step back and stop trying to control situations so much and try to be there when I need to be there, when it's important, but let him make mistakes and see some of the consequences of his actions so that he understands, rather than trying to jump in and save him from every little thing, if that makes any sense. 

27:52 - Guest (Guest)
So yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. I get accused of being a mom all the time. Yes, and almost my therapist tells me like it might be better if you can speak to him like he's a child, because it might give you a little bit more grace with him, because I'm kind of snappy sometimes. 

28:11 - Guest (Guest)
Oh my gosh, I'm so snappy, I'm working on thatppy sometimes. Oh my gosh, I'm so snappy, I'm working on that too. 

28:16 - Guest (Guest)
I see I'm an Italian woman, so so I don't have a very short fuse by nature, oh my gosh. Well, it seems like you're doing a really good job. You have come a long way since I've been listening and it seems like everything will fall together for you. I just wish you with the best. Just keep coming back and loving on us and we love you. 

28:39 - Guest (Guest)
Thank you so much. I'm so glad to have this group. Everybody here has been so wonderful. Thank you. 

28:45 - Temple (Host)
Your energy has just increased skyrocket stuff since the day you got here. It was like a little tiny beam of light just looking to get out of a dark situation and you just saying this is what I want to do. There's so much power in that, just saying that when we start speaking life into our life and other people hear us and yeah, we know you're a bossy Italian chick, we get that, but it comes from a place of you wanting to better your life and you're going to find that balance as you go. So I love you, steph, I'm so proud of you and really blessings to you and your husband for the next year, okay. 

29:26 - Guest (Guest)
Thank you so much, Temple. I appreciate it. 

29:28 - Guest (Guest)
Okay, Crystal, you're up next if you'd like to share. 

29:32 - Guest (Guest)
Oh yeah, what was the question? Or just a check in. 

29:35 - Temple (Host)
Question is what went right for you in the last year or the last holiday season, and was there something that you think you could have done differently or better for next year? 

29:47 - Guest (Guest)
So my holidays usually are wonderful, and the one that just passed was um, was great. It's just um. I was talking to samantha about it, and so the the weight the holidays bring are now different, because when I first got together with my boyfriend it was around the holidays and he and I and my sister had a falling out and it has totally just shifted the structure of family and even though you know we had my stepkid over and we had a very small Christmas, it just felt different and I knew it felt very different for my mother, because my mother is super into the traditions of holidays and the gatherings of family, and it just dwindled. Frankly, my brother stopped by for a second to just kind of like, hey, exchange gifts for his little one and whatnot, and then just kind of went back home and then it was just a quiet house. It was just my grandma, my mom and my boyfriend and I. We hadn't picked up our stepkid yet, but I could feel the emotional picked up our stepkid yet, but I could feel the emotional, I could feel the void that was there and although I had already had kind of my my grievings over it, I knew that my mother held it differently. And so then. 

31:04
So the holidays in essence were fine, um, but then yesterday John had what I would say just a complete outburst, so much so that he decided to take it out on a tree. And so he went and cut down one of the trees in our backyard and you know he has done that before, like using like landscaping and yard work as a, as a release, and in my head, you know, from my perspective, like, well, you know what, if that's his outlet, fine, I'd rather it be that than anything escalating it into anything further, like punching a door or a wall or really just being irate. But he basically, you know, cut down a pretty mature pomegranate tree and this little tiny avocado tree and he was just kind of like having a tree murder. In my head I'm like, let it be that. But to my family, because I live in a communal household, I live with a lot of other members, it was extremely disrespectful. Just how could you? Why we hold a lot of sentiment to our plants, our trees, our things, and for him to do that was just such a act of betrayal. 

32:20
And my mother is super upset about it and because of, I think, the resentment that she holds in that, you know, essentially, by inviting john into our family, it has completely shattered the structure of what our family was, because my sister has cut us out and doesn't come over, doesn't talk to us, and I know that weighs heavy on my mother and that's been difficult to deal with. It's been very difficult to wrap my head around the family distancing themselves and just also the effect of what his acts are to my very household, because everybody right now is just like, just really at their end, at their limit, to the point where my mom was just like I'm done, I want us, you know, just I want us to have different living situations. How dare he everything I give, you know, shits on, or it's just a complete act of disrespect. How come he can't control it and it's just me trying to advocate. 

33:20
But also I understand her completely because at the end of the day now, all that we really are looking forward to, yeah, things have to change and what that looks like is he needs to get Medi-Cal figured out and he really needs to find a treatment plan. And it's just been, it's gone on for too long Just having these circular conversations of like we will, we will, because I think those are just conversations that in our own relationship we've kind of ignored. I have honed my skills in observing the bipolar and how to navigate it. That doesn't mean everybody else has, and I don't blame them, but it still just causes an immense amount of stress because now it's just managing not only my own but just everybody else's emotions and reactions. So within the last 24 hours it's been difficult. 

34:06 - Guest (Guest)
Oh my goodness, Crystal, I totally feel for you. I literally could not imagine living with my family through these times. 

34:17 - Guest (Guest)
Yeah, it's been. It's just and kind of like bouncing off of stuff. You know, moving forward, it has given me a lot of release to just not treat him like, make excuses or enable or just to say it's bipolar, it's bipolar, well, no, something can be done about it. And in in him and john and I have had conversations between yesterday and today and just I think he definitely doesn't fully accept that he is, and even when he was diagnosed, it was, I think, such a brief interaction of just like okay, I guess I have to go do this, but then it's like then that stopped, like he did try like one medication and apparently the side effects were too strong. It made him really suicidal and I get that that's terrifying, but I think that was the only proactive thing that he did many years ago. And so now we're here and it's just like look, you're also in a broken place, you need to. I don't know you, just things need to change. I mean just point blank, like you need to look beyond this cloud. 

35:17
And I even talked to him, like I told him, like I need to get candid about this, like whether bipolar affects you or not in the ways that it does. I just can only imagine that the things that you described to me are pretty like, not to stereotype or anything, but it kind of fits the definition of what it is so like. Why deny it? You know you feel agitated, you feel moments of ire, you feel like these and he's. He tries to be as transparent with me as much as possible because, like I also am trying to make one where, like I need to know, I'm not trying to treat you like a science experiment, but like this is what I've been observing. So, with everything that's been going on, yesterday came out of fucking nowhere and I can, I can understand where you got triggered and that, although minor to me, it's still a trigger for you, and it just escalated into all these other things and it became this layered situation and you took it out on a tree now, and now my whole family is mad about it. 

36:12
Okay, oh yeah, I guess that, yeah, and like letting him feel the repercussions of it, like I can't protect him and I, and so that's where I kind of feel like we're both like kind of like kids, just like, oh god, we're gonna get punished right badly. But it's like this is no joke anymore, like my mom just completely just was hysterical over it because it was an iceberg thing. Like it wasn't about the tree, it's everything else that's connected to it, you know, yeah and also probably they don't really grasp the whole concept of what this is right, right because they think like oh, he has to have control, like, how come he doesn't have control? 

36:52 - Guest (Guest)
when this happens, he looks normal, right, right. Why doesn't he treat me with respect? 

36:57 - Guest (Guest)
It's totally personalized and I told my mom, like the best advice I can give you is to not personalize. This doesn't mean that he's stepping on you. This doesn't mean that he thinks that he, you know, it's just but like it's about him. It's just but like about him Totally. But then now it's like he needs to be on meds. 

37:14 - Guest (Guest)
It's the ultimatum conversation now and it's like so it's a little bit tricky for me because you guys live with so many people, so it's affecting so many people other than just the immediate family members. And, like you, who chooses to be with him. It's like bigger than that, because my therapist tells me like, as long as like we don't care if he accepts, if he's bipolar or not, or if he accepts if he's whatever or not, it's all about how I feel and how I'm gonna treat this and and what my boundaries are within my own self. But I feel like with almost like a communal living, it's so. 

37:52 - Guest (Guest)
It's such a different way oh yeah, like I thought to myself you know, if my mom's trying to have like, if she wants to sell the house and we because we both share the, the title of the home if we did sell the house go our separate ways, we'll financially have to figure it out, but it's um, it's very much like pushing me out of the nest and so, by association, it kind of like I'm sure it would help our mental health, everybody involved, if we didn't live together. 

38:17 - Guest (Guest)
Yeah, One thing I want to say about, about family, though, is that, like you did make a point yourself, is that you know they're not invested the same way that you are. 

38:27
You know, and you're obviously going to do as much research as possible to figure out how to communicate properly with him and understand his disorder, whereas they're not attached in the same way that you are. So I'm struggling with some of it with my family, you know, because of all the things my husband did in the last year trying to say, like, listen, a lot of this had to do with this bipolar disorder. But because you know it's a mental illness, people can't see it, they don't understand it as much and they're like well, why, it doesn't excuse X, y, z behavior, and it's like, no, no, it doesn't excuse all of it, but it does explain some of why he may have pushed over to some of those, those choices. But, right, you know, like I, like I said, like you know, you have these people that are living every day seeing what he's doing, but they're not invested romantically like you are, so they're not putting as much energy into understanding as you would, and I understand your frustration with that, because I'm going through that myself. 

39:17
But the other thing I wanted to say was you did mention about his meds and you know he has tried something and it gave him anxiety. My husband started seeing a new psychiatrist and she is going to do the gene site test on him. I don't know if you've ever heard of it. Yes, I have. 

39:31 - Guest (Guest)
So step number one. 

39:37 - Guest (Guest)
Yes. So she, you know she's getting him off of this terrible meds and she's going to do the gene site test because at this point he's been medicated for several years on different things and he's frustrated. And but anyway, I've I found on message boards I've heard from other people that it was just really helpful, you know, to narrow it down and then, rather than having hundreds of medications to look at, you're looking at maybe you know 20 to 30, you know like kind of thing or like even less, and it's the way they test is. You know it's, it's in levels, it's like oh, this one will be really good for your body. This one might not be so great and these definitely won't work. So it's still a little seeing the doctor or whatever, but it might be something to throw in there. 

40:17 - Guest (Guest)
Yeah, no, but I'm coming in with like guns blazing because I want to put more arrows in my quiver as far as understanding what's the best way to approach this and not have my needs neglected either. 

40:29 - Guest (Guest)
However, the system will treat you, you know. Mm, hmm. 

40:32 - Guest (Guest)
Yep. 

40:33 - Guest (Guest)
Hang in there. 

40:34 - Temple (Host)
I started telling everybody and going on podcasts and blasting that out because, like, give me a break, why isn't that stage one? So, yes, thank you for bringing that up again. I just want to. I know that Crystal was able to get some support from Samantha and I want to give Sam a chance, because she did get an opportunity to support Crystal and see how you guys did with your advocacy partnership this last week. 

40:59 - Guest (Guest)
Yeah well, crystal, I hope I helped you yesterday. I plan to thank you. 

41:04
No, it's hard because the family situation definitely hits close to home for me, in full transparency. I spent Christmas Eve Christmas Day morning, hysterical, crying because my cousin, who was the maid of honor at my wedding I spent Christmas Eve Christmas Day morning, hysterical, crying because my cousin, who was the maid of honor at my wedding, got engaged on Christmas Eve and invited my parents and everyone over and because of my issue, I've been estranged from my mom since July. I was not invited and I would like to say that didn't hurt, but it definitely did. And honestly, their thing is like well, you know, you chose to. They don't agree in my decision to have stayed with my husband and I understand that they saw some crazy things. But I also, in full transparency I was just saying this to my therapist if God forbid, things went left and I didn't chose to not stay married, I still wouldn't talk to my family because I felt, at a time when I needed them the most, they were so unsupportive of me that, uh, it was just extremely painful for me. So I get it that it's really hard when you have people who you love and who love you back, who don't always handle the situation like we do and not saying people aren't entitled to feel how they feel, but sometimes it just hurts. So I totally get that. As far as, like your sister's concerned and uh, yeah, it was honestly, yesterday was like the perfect day too because my husband, like I said, he was tired, he wasn't feeling good, he was in bed by 4 pm and it was nice to just like have a conversation with someone. I think sometimes when you're sitting in your house by yourself, you're like it's kind of deafening at times. So I hope I was able to support you and definitely try and, you know, get your boundaries. 

42:39
As far as medication, my husband and I had the conversation for years leading up to it. Oh, I don't know how they're going to make me feel there was a real fear in doing medication or changing medication, because we were treating half of bipolar and not the other half. But I think it's so important because even like I said earlier today, my husband looked at me and said if I wasn't on meds I would have been a completely different person right now, and not in a good way, and just that acknowledgement that it's. It's rough when you're going through. Once you're on the other side, you, you thank god for the medication, because it's one of the only things that truly keeps them stable enough to get counseling and develop coping skills. Without that they can't. It's very difficult to know. 

43:18 - Guest (Guest)
And I agree, and I'm really having high hopes for it Because I think, separate from just implementing a med routine. I feel like he has great habits I mean, he used to be a former athlete so just exercise, diet, meditation, all that discipline is there, so it's just adding that extra tool, I personally feel. But I also told them, just like as your partner, this relationship is not going to work. So long that you do, so long that you neglect this, it just won't. And so I think the more and more that gets implemented, the deeper conversations can be and we can actually just have answers rather than just speaking things. I mean speaking things to existence I totally believe in, but just really being more action based instead of just words. 

44:07 - Temple (Host)
That's so great. I'm so glad that you found us at this point to be able to, like you said, you got a lot of tools in your arsenal now. So, going forward, you're not just running into the doctor's office, going help, help, help. You're hearing what's what we've been through and you're going to be ready. Your boundaries are going to be tested, of course, but the more educated you can be and the more emotionally and even physically prepared that you can be to step into what medication changes are like. You know that's a whole big topic. You've heard us talk about that and when medication goes wrong, when they get sick, there's a lot to know and people can burn out if they don't understand that. This is part of the treatment. 

44:56
They want to give up on meds because of that, because it can make them sick, because it could ruin their, their days or their jobs and, part of course, I would feel the same way if a medication I was taking was making me feel worse than I did before. So there's a lot to step into. So make sure that you keep hanging in with us, get those tips, get those cheerleading moments and also, you know, pull back when you can and, like I think Steph was saying, let him feel some of the consequences of what happens. And and he's feeling that right now, I'm sure that he chopped down that tree that had so much sentimental value and what the reaction was, you know, like that's exactly how bipolar can ruin relationships by taking over the situation and hurting people and they're like fuck you, I don't want that, and they back off. 

45:44
He has a severe brain illness. You can't see it from the outside, it's not a rash, but his brain is sick and needs emergency medical treatment and I'm going to stay with him and make sure that he gets that. So if you want to keep seeing me and you want us to still have a close relationship, got to get educated and learn how to roll with this with me, okay, I'll send you more articles, I'll send you more YouTube videos, but I really want you to stay in this with me. So if you ever need to practice that conversation with any of us Sam, danny, me, anybody we're here, okay. 

46:23 - Guest (Guest)
Thank you so much. This group I'm extremely grateful for and anytime I have those crisis moments, if it wasn't for Temple and if it wasn't for Samantha, in that moment I truly felt, just felt like the universe was working for me, because then it just de-escalated after me just having that conversation with Samantha. So I thank you so much. This whole experience in being in a part of this group has been instrumental to my healing and just, yes, to understand it and to be prepared. So, thank you. 

46:53 - Temple (Host)
Let's, let's, let's start to wrap this up Now. I really want to say thank you to Courtney for coming today. You know this goes for all of us that it takes discipline to get well and yet, unless you're well, you can't be disciplined. It's really fucked up to try to get better when you feel like shit. Okay, All right ladies. Well, thank you for coming. This was wonderful. I really felt all your support this year and I just want to say blessings to you and your family. Don't let doctors push you around and be more educated than everybody else. All right, God bless you. I love you all and I'll see you next week.