The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids

Empowering Conscious Parenthood: Navigating Challenges and Joys with Dr. Stephanie Dueger

• Carrie Lingenfelter, CCC-SLP and Dr. Stephanie Duegar • Season 1 • Episode 65

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Join us for an engaging conversation with Dr. Stephanie Dueger, a leading authority in child development and parenting, as she shares insights from her latest book, "Preparing for Parenthood: 55 Essential Conversations for Couples Becoming Families." As we navigate the uncharted waters of parenthood, Dr. Dueger emphasizes the transformative impact early childhood experiences have on lifelong relationships and the importance of meaningful preparation. From breastfeeding challenges to sleep deprivation, we explore the realities that often catch new parents by surprise and stress the need for open dialogue and realistic expectations.

Our discussion turns to the powerful role of partners as advocates during childbirth, highlighting the importance of knowledge and empowerment in overcoming fear-based perceptions of birthing. Together with Dr. Dueger, we unpack how healthy birth practices can ripple out to contribute positively to the well-being of our planet. By understanding and respecting the birth process, we can foster a more harmonious relationship with nature, breaking down the barriers that often cloud our perceptions of childbirth.

Venturing into the topic of cultivating conscious connections in parenting, we explore how to nurture children who are grounded and aware of their interconnectedness with the world around them. We discuss the joy of encouraging children to engage with nature and share personal stories that capture their innate spirituality and wonder. The conversation emphasizes the healing power of self-care for parents and the essential role it plays in creating nurturing environments where both children and caregivers can thrive. Through intentional and thoughtful parenting practices, we aim to raise individuals who are prepared to navigate and contribute positively to an ever-evolving world.

Connect with Dr. Stephanie Duegar:
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*Facebook: @preparedforparenthood

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Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

for those first three years, right. There's like a. The way that they are hardwired for three-ish years is deep connection, right. That's what it's all about. And they are really focused on the parent or the caregiver and developing that relationship and understanding how the world works through relationship, and I really feel like that is the deep foundation for all of us. And when I see adult clients in my practice, sometimes they'll come in and they'll share these pieces that happened very early that are impacting their lives and their relationships now as adults, and sometimes these people are in their 60s, right. So this is a long foundation. It's a long time to have that foundation.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Hi Conscious Parents. It's Keri here and I am here with a little info about raising our mindful kids. I've got some tips and tricks about breaking free of the box and becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that along the way. Join us Hi there and welcome back. It's Carrie here and I have a treat for you guys today. I am so excited to connect with Dr Stephanie Duger, who is an author, educator, parent coach and psychotherapist. She is passionate about helping expectant and new parents and their little ones up to age five develop healthy, secure, nourishing family relationships. I love her name for her book Prepared for Parenthood. I'm so excited. I thought I was prepared for parenthood, but I read what to Expect when You're Expecting oh my gosh. It just unleashed all of the anxiety and nerves about everything that could go wrong.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

Yeah, thanks so much for having me, carrie. Yeah, my husband and I were a little older when we had our first child and I'd spent most of my adult years working with kids and families. And I remember, when I used to be a school teacher, one of the parents coming in and saying, do you have kids? And I at that time I didn't, I was in my early twenties. And she said, oh, you like you don't get it essentially. And I was a little offended by that. I was like, oh, I've been studying child development and doing all this stuff and working with kids for such a long time, I understand some things.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

And then both my husband and I, despite years of working in the field and being therapists and all that, entered parenthood I'm a total avid reader and I read all those books, the what to expect, all of the things, and I was so humbled by becoming a parent. It was really. It was really a lot more challenging, I think, than I had expected, maybe because we were on the older side and it had years of having a career, and it was just humbling to be like, okay, you're fully in charge, 24, seven of this little, fully dependent little human and and it wasn't easy Breastfeeding wasn't easy, not sleeping wasn't easy, she was a little colicky and that wasn't easy. And it was so eyeopening for me. And so once I got through that and our second child and loved, loved, loved having them both and bringing them into the world, and was really realistic about the challenges of it for us and I know everyone's experience is a little different but I felt like the parents who were coming to me as a therapist and saying nobody told me it was going to be so hard, right, therapist, and saying nobody told me it was going to be so hard, right, you have the baby shower and the cute little onesies and the booties and it's all going to be amazing and fun. And oh my gosh, it's incredible and yes, that's all true, and except that it's all going to be fun, it's not always all going to be fun. It's very hard as well sometimes.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

And so I found that I wish that I had some more preparation, despite having many conversations with my therapist husband and we were both therapists, we talk a ton and so I started compiling the most often asked questions in my practice, as well as the ones that I wish someone had asked me, and then I started putting them together with action items and that's where I came up with Preparing for Parenthood 55 Essential Conversations for Couples Becoming Families and it's just meant to be.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

Open the book anywhere and have these thoughtful conversations with your partner or, if you're a single parent, have these conversations with yourself of what do I believe, what are my thoughts and values, and then think about how you want to do parenting together. And I really wanted to be clear about not giving advice in this book. So it was more about my understanding that people do it differently everywhere. Right, I have my own perspective of being in the world and it's very different from many people in the world, and my culture is different and my background is different. My childhood is different. So everybody comes into parenthood with these backgrounds and I just wanted to pose questions and then let people go from there based on their own world perspective. So that's how this was born.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

I love it so much. I remember when I was getting ready to have my first, we took a class at the hospital and they went over everything that could go wrong in labor and delivery and it was like that was the only thing that we talked about. There was what could go wrong in that moment. And it was like the negative pieces too. It wasn't like here, try this technique to help you through this part, try this piece to help you with when that doesn't work. There wasn't any positive pieces to it. It was all of this doom and gloom that they were putting on us. So during that labor and delivery there was a piece that was a little bit harder. It was harder for us and I just finally was like, okay, I need the epidural day and I can't think about husband, I can't think about what to do next. But my, my friend that had two kids in my second pregnancy, when I was pregnant, she said you need to go to this doula, you need to take this class, go, try and understand these pieces. And we went and she gave us all of these tools for the labor and delivery and she worked on the connection between my husband and I and we were I was so empowered.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

I had a mother's blessing before I had her too, so it was like a week before. We didn't know she was coming a month early so we thought we had time, but it was a week before she came. We had this mother's blessing where I had all of these powerful women that came into my house. We had this beautiful ceremony where they blessed me and they each said a mindful blessing for me and put a bead on a necklace. And then, as soon as my water broke, she was a month early, so I was starting to feel that fear, but I grabbed that necklace that these women had created for me and I could just feel this feeling of peace and love and understanding and everything's going to be okay. And so, even though that labor and delivery was harder, more intense and more nervous, we had such a wonderful birth for her and my husband and I were so connected.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

She ended up going to the NICU and I was able to deliver her naturally, which was my goal. I had all of these tools and this energy and empowerment. I grabbed my IV bag and walked down into the NICU and was like I'm ready to nurse her. My husband, you're walking around, what is this, and he was even empowered. He talked to the NICU nurse and said, right after she was born, it's really important my wife nurse her.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

It's very important to her and for our baby and to me, and so they brought her in and I got to nurse her right away and have that skin to skin contact that I wanted, and so he was empowered too. All of us were just connected, and so I truly love what you're doing for all of these parents and not thinking on the fear, not thinking of the things that could go wrong, but empowering people and having these long, these conversations early on that we need to have. So I was going to ask you I was drawn when you were telling your story do you feel like there's a piece that you have found for moms in finding our voices?

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

Yeah, I love that question and I love the stories that you shared about your different birth and the, and I love the stories that you shared about your different birth and the mother's blessing that you did. We did those as well and so empowering and we ended up having two home births. That was the way that we chose to do things and fortunately, I was able to do both of those fully at home without needing to be transported, and I know that's not a reality for a lot of people. I wanted to show you I'm not sure if I want to make this tip over, but we made belly casts. Oh see if you can see the belly cast.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

Wow, those are beautiful and my friends, my women friends helped me decorate them, so it was very sweet. And in terms of your question around finding your voice as a birthing parent and meaning the whole couple needs to find their voice, but especially whoever's giving birth, I just think it's so important in this day and age, yeah, where we're living in an information age and you can pretty much Google anything that you want and maybe you'll get some great information and maybe you won't. But I feel like it's too easy to get that information and so we're used to being spoon fed a little bit. I think a lot of times this is how it's going to go. Everybody gives birth this way. A third of women are going to end up having a C-section in this country, and that's still the statistic higher in some places, and a lot of times that may not need to happen, right, there are a lot of times when it does need to happen and we're grateful to have those those options. They save lives. But also sometimes it takes really understanding birth right. It's like a real understanding of your body and again, it's different for everybody. Everyone's birth is different. Every baby comes into the world in a different way and so there's no like better or worse around this. We want healthy mamas, healthy babies, but and if you can find your voice and at least ask able to ask questions or have somebody there to advocate for you around asking those questions Like why is why? Does this need to happen? Is there any other way? If not, like, what are? What's the protocol here? What's going to happen? Being educated around it and also understanding how the body works in birth and how the baby moves through the birth canal. If that's the way the baby comes up, I think it's super empowering for birthing parents and helpful for the partner as well. So they might be a man, but they should have an idea of what happens in birth, right, and so that they can advocate for their partner who's giving birth.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

Okay, have we tried this? Have we tried a different position? And instead of just going the fear route, which is the general way that a lot of people are conditioned into thinking birth is going to be scary and it's going to hurt hurt a lot and it's going to be all these things and instead of going that route and focusing on the fear, focus on what you hope to have happened Not that rebirth is going to go the way that you hope it will. Babies got their own plan of coming into the world as well.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

But doing the best that you can to be like this is my thought process on why I want to try to, for example, have a natural birth, maybe right, or this is the reason I'm really choosing not to do it that way, because I have a ton of fear and I'm worried about this and that, and I know that if I have this medication, it will let me relax more. So, just being really clear about what you're doing and giving voice to it and, again, having those advocates whether it's a doula or a midwife or a partner or whatever to share, so that if you are in your birthing zone, when you're maybe struggling to get your words out, somebody else is speaking for you. So, yeah, I love that question. Yeah, definitely.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

That was beautiful and I'm going to transition a little bit because it came up. You and I were chatting, I was telling you I've been reading some information about a psychologist, a research psychologist, dr Lisa Miller, and it was interesting because she had mentioned that our kids, with the research she's finding, our kids are born connected with nature and seeking a connection and an understanding of our world. So they're born open to this, I believe, the spiritual piece of understanding who we are and finding this connection with nature. And you had mentioned that your husband and you both started out as wilderness therapists and you shared how important your connection is to the wild and I would love to know, like how do you believe these two places, like a healthy birth and a healthy earth, are connected? Love that.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

Yeah, yeah, I really do believe that that the way that we are bringing new humans into the world impacts not just us as a human race, but all the beings on the earth, right?

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

All the animal and plant beings and the earth itself, right, these are all living creatures and what we do impacts others, right?

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

And whether it's being thoughtful about recycling or composting or what you eat or whatever it is, knowing why you do that and why you're making those choices and making sure you're making the right choices for you and your family, whatever your values are.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

And my kind of mission is to help support people to bring in these little conscious humans who are coming into the world in a very different world than the world that you or I came into keeps evolving and changing and we need to be thoughtful, like the earth is changing quickly and and the the world that we live in is changing quickly, and so knowing that we're all connected, knowing that we're connected to each other, that we're connected to the earth and all the other beings on the planet and potentially off the planet too, who knows but like having a sense of that and making choices from that place. So, for our family, we are very nature-based people and I grew up like on Sundays we would go for hikes or go to the ocean, or that was our thing that we did, and so I developed a really deep respect for, and just appreciation of, the beauty that we're so blessed to live in here and why we moved to where we live now, right near the mountains.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

Just having that sense of connection, I feel like, is so important and so being really for us, really thoughtful about why we're doing what we're doing, how we brought our children into the world, how we spend our time together, often in the outdoors, a little less now that our kids are teenagers and they're doing their own things a lot, but it has been a really important piece for us and so for us that's our spiritual bent and it's been fascinating because I think I've spoken with people a lot on my podcast about those early times of little ones, in utero or after they've just been born, up to about age two or three, when they still have some connection to where, wherever they came from before, and have whatever thoughts you want around what that looks like.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

But I always remember one experience we had an older dog who her time had come and we needed to say goodbye to her and at that point our youngest was just under two years old and the vet came to our house and we were saying goodbye and once she passed, our little one who was sitting kind of playing by herself a little bit in the corner, stopped and looked up and waved and she said bye-bye and we just were like oh, like she saw something. She saw our dog's spirit or whatever leave the body and it was like such a. It was such a beautiful thing and kind of awe-inspiring. They really are connected to something else in a way that I think once our brains get more and more developed and more connected up here, we sometimes lose touch with that. I think like it has to be a practice to bring it back in, Whereas they're, I think, just more naturally connected.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yes, yeah, I totally believe that I love that so much. My son also had similar things when he was small and would see grandparents that he had met when he was a baby, but so that was really cool that had passed over and he would still connected and would see them. It's interesting because, yeah, it is when they're really young. He was too, I think, when that happened. But yeah, I love when we're giving them these foundations and these pieces that are helping them to stay connected and to stay having those tools to also ground themselves. For instance, my son in the area we also live in the same area as you, which is really cool, so we have that access to nature and although sometimes on a Saturday morning it can be a struggle to get my sensitive kiddos in their hiking boots and out the door when they just want to like stay inside, stay hibernating, doing their Legos or whatever they're doing that morning, once we're out there, my son, always he'll raise his hands up and be like I love this place and you can just see him get so enthralled with it. My daughter more so when we're walking down the hill than up, but she's always asking to just keep going downhill and my husband's. Let's just flip the earth for you to see. But yeah, so I love that connection and my son. It's been really empowering for him.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

We found Cub Scouts to be something really special for his heart and connecting with nature in that way. His favorite thing is getting out and doing the overnight campouts and having friends there and getting to look at the stars and learn how to pitch his tent, and it's been really amazing for him. So I love having that piece and where we live it's a big thing in our community so we're really lucky to have that. So I would I would encourage people to check that out. It's been so amazing for our kids and they really love it. But I was going to ask you shifting again. So you mentioned that there's this foundation of our lives as human beings we lay down from preconception to the first three-ish years. It's interesting. I'm curious about the three-ish years. If we hope to be conscious parents and raise conscious children, what do you think are some important things that we can do to support this hope?

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

Yeah. So my view is, if we are consciously choosing to have children and I know some people just end up having kids and they weren't really planning on it so this is more about being really thoughtful around. Yes, we're planning around this. This is what we're trying to do, this is what we want to do. You're preparing your body, mind, spirit, all of that mentally, physically, emotionally, probably spiritually as well to be a home for this little one, to grow in and birth this little one and nurture this little one, and then they're really in your orbit for those first three years, right, there's like a. The way that they are hardwired for three-ish years is deep connection, right. That's what it's all about. And they are really focused on the parent or the caregiver and developing that relationship and understanding how the world works through relationship, and I really feel like that is the deep foundation for all of us. And when I see adult clients in my practice, sometimes they'll come in and they'll share these pieces that happened very early that are impacting their lives and their relationships now as adults, and sometimes these people are in their sixties, right. So it's this is a long foundation, a long time to have that foundation and so really getting clear and conscious about how we're doing that with our own little ones. And I feel, in order to best support our little ones, we also have to best support ourselves, and that looks different for everybody.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

So for me, from a psychotherapy background, as a psychologist, it's like doing your own work, doing your own deep work, like really finding those places that are hard for you oh, I hate conflict or oh, this is really challenging when my child has a meltdown. Find those places and dig in right, figure out what, why like? Why is this so hard for me? What is getting triggered? What is this bringing up for me? Why is this so hard for me? What is getting triggered? What is this bringing up for me?

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

And then working with whoever it is like a professional, or maybe your partner or a friend or a clergy person or whoever to help heal those wounds. And for me, given my background at training, that's where I go. But also there's like the other pieces of nurturing right. There's a self-care, pieces that extend beyond digging into your own background, your psychological past, but it's like really taking deep care of yourself and really having enough support, right. So if you have more support, you are likely to do better. It's just how we are wired as human beings, and so when we surround ourselves with other people who, for example, are having children at the same time and going through some of the similar challenges that we might be going through, that can be really helpful, right it?

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

can also highlight like, hey, I'm not alone, Right. It can also highlight like, hey, I'm not alone. Or it can offer us a place to offer support to somebody else, Maybe of oh, I'm actually doing pretty well and this person seems to be really struggling, how can I help support them? So it builds community. So I really feel like those are the best ways because all of that helps and again, here's my lens. All of that helps with attachment and bonding. So the attachment is the connection the child has to the parent or caregiver and bonding is the opposite way. We don't get that from our children. Our job is to give that as the adults. But there's a bonding that can happen adults, but there's a bonding that can happen. And if you're struggling with that bonding for whatever reason, getting support around, that I feel is super helpful and important so that everybody can have the best family experience.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Okay, I love that so much. I had an episode that worked on inner child healing with Catherine DeMonte and I'm going to have to match you guys up. I had a follow-up question for you when I had my daughter. There was three months where she wouldn't sleep or nap in her little bassinet and I had to have her strapped to me in a baby wrap and that was the only way she would nap. And so I realized there's some healing that I needed and that she needed. I realized there was a grief piece because I had this grief about not having the labor and delivery that I had prepared for. And then I had this healing that I did and I had studied Reiki, so I would do Reiki on her when she was asleep on me and I would do Reiki on myself about you're safe, I'm safe, it's okay that you came early, it's okay to sleep in your bassinet, I'm okay, you don't need to be healing me, little one, and I'm giving you strength to sleep on your own. And I found, even so, that really helped. Then she could sleep on her own. We got to that point.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

But I've also found like, with the pandemic times, I was reading some research about some of the social and emotional development pieces for kiddos and how, like, the caseloads for speech therapy were so high after 2020. And just the stress that was put on these kids systems. My daughter had a really hard time leaving me to go to preschool when she was four. A really hard time going to kindergarten a really hard time. Now I haven't even really slept away from her, unless she's been with grandparents. What do you tell people that are still struggling with this connection, especially after this pandemic phase? I feel like there's this little piece for these little ones that we've often forget about.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

Yeah, I think you hit it spot on there. It's there's a lot. There's a lot more anxiety in children than we've ever seen in this country. It's happening all around the world, of course, in places where there's war and things like that. But I would say the best part of this is that almost everything can be healed Not everything, but almost everything. I would say 90 to 95% of things that happen can be healed, and healed dramatically.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

I speak about this with parents of adopted children, right, so they come in naturally to a family having experienced loss.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

You're automatically having a child who is going to have grief and loss in their background when sometimes when they're very little and so really focusing on getting that support to help heal those things, whatever the things are, if you had a baby in the NICU, if you had a challenging birth, if you got separated, there may have been. I've worked with people who have lost a partner or there's been a divorce or something right, and they're trying to navigate, helping their children move through those experiences, and there are so many trained professionals out there who can help with that. And there are things that you can do for yourself, like you're saying with the Reiki, like you can learn those tools to help support these little ones so that they can feel more secure and happier in the world and more in connection. And I think those pieces are really important and I always try to tell people, the earlier you can do it, the better.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

As soon as you feel capable of okay, I can manage this, I can start dealing with this loss or start navigating this hard birth or whatever it was. Do it because you are giving your child and yourself such a gift moving through that and healing those pieces. It changes the trajectory of lives so that people don't come to a therapist like myself when they're in their sixties right, they're there when they're three years old with their parent, or the parents come and say, hey, we need support. And sometimes that's hard for people, right, some people have a hard time saying I need help, but it's so gratifying because you can heal these pieces and then you can move on and it's not like it never happened, you remember. It just doesn't have the impact on your life.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yes, yeah, I love that. That's beautiful. Thank you so much, stephanie, for being here today, and I would love for you to tell us the name of your book and your podcast.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

That's great, thank you. Yeah, thanks so much for having me, carrie. So the name of my book is preparing for parenthood 55 essential conversations for couples becoming families. And then the podcast is a little different. It's prepared for parenthood, and all of my my Instagram, facebook website they're all prepared for parenthood, and so you can find me that way, and I'm so happy to connect with people. If they reach out personally, I'll gladly connect with you and send an email back or return a phone call, so please feel free to reach out.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Beautiful. Thank you so much for being here. Have a great day.

Dr. Stephanie Duegar:

Thanks, carrie, you too.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Well, that's a wrap. Thanks so much for tuning in. Change makers. This is Carrie, and if you haven't done a review for us, five stars and a little few words about what you've enjoyed in our podcast episodes, we would really appreciate it. If you guys would like to ever message me, I would love any questions you have or any feedback. At info at hearttoheartlifecom, we also have a brand new website which we're super excited to share it's hearttoheartlifecom. We also have a brand new website which we're super excited to share it's hearttoheartlifecom. Thanks so much for tuning in and happy life, happy times, changemaker families.