The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids

Your Body Knows What It Needs: Listen Past the Mind to Find True Regulation with Em Roberts

• Carrie Lingenfelter, CCC-SLP and Em Roberts • Season 1 • Episode 72

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When was the last time you truly filled your cup? Not with a generic self-care ritual that Instagram told you to try, but with exactly what your unique system needed in that moment?

Somatic practitioner Em Roberts joins us to explore a refreshing perspective on self-regulation that views each of us as a garden with different parts needing varied care. "It's not, oh, every day I love a bath with Epsom salt and music," Em explains. "Other days you might need to go sea swimming and boost your energy." This flexibility in our approach to self-care allows us to develop personalized tools that address our changing needs.

For parents raising sensitive kids, quick regulation techniques can be lifesavers. Em shares several practical methods including breathing patterns that signal safety to your nervous system, ear pulling to stimulate the vagus nerve, and recognizing when movement needs to precede stillness. We discuss how dysregulation manifests in the body through tension, sleep disturbances, and behavioral changes, while exploring the power of co-regulation between parent and child.

Perhaps most comforting is Em's reminder that perfect regulation isn't the goal. "You'll never be regulated all the time," she assures us. "It's normal to come out [of balance] and you just come back." This permission to be imperfect while having tools to return to center may be exactly what conscious parents need to hear.

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**Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is educational in nature and does not constitute licensed mental health advice. If you need such advice, you should speak with a licensed professional about your unique situation. Thanks so much happy listeners.

© 2024-2025 Heart to Heart Life LLC

Em Roberts:

I think a really good analogy is seeing yourself as a garden or a vegetable patch with all these different parts of yourself that need tending to in different ways, and I think that's the key here. It's not oh, every day I love a bath and I make a real ritual out of it. I have my Epsom salt and music, and it's a real like experience for myself. But that's not necessarily what you need every day. Other days you might need to go sea swimming and really boost up your energy. So I think it's about finding what works for you and creating a toolbox for those different needs, and I think there's been such an emphasis on calming, and sometimes I feel like we forget about those tasks that are more energizing, like creating and doing. Your hobbies knitting, sewing, things like that, I think, are also really important or running or doing boxing that kind of expands your energy.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Hi, conscious Parents. It's Carrie here and I am here with a little info about raising our mindful kids. I've got some tips and tricks about breaking free of the box and becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that along the way. Join us. Hi there, happy listeners. It's Keri here and I'm so excited I have a new project called Conscious Family Travels on YouTube. New project called Conscious Family Travels on YouTube. It's all about mindfully traveling with our highly sensitive kids.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

We love to give tips and tools about how you can pack, how you can prepare and traveling with dietary restrictions. We love to share in-depth guides of certain areas that we are traveling to, as well as some of the actual items that we use along our journey. So join us on this Conscious Family Travels journey. Hi there and welcome back. I have a wonderful guest for you all today. Her name is M Roberts and she is a somatic and spiritual practitioner, and I started following her on Instagram and I was really connected. A lot of the things she was saying really resonated with my heart in the parenting world and raising my kiddos as I am, and so I'm so excited to have Em here with us today. Thanks so much for being here, em.

Em Roberts:

Yeah, thank you so much for having me and I like instantly followed you back and I feel like we have quite a similar ethos already, just being heart-centered, body, mind people, I think, instantly have that connection and you can, we can spot each other and I think this work is so meaningful, especially what you're doing with parents, because it impacts so many generations to come.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yes, I love that. Thank you so much. I love thinking about past generations, healing some of those pieces and then also doing our work for moving on. I love that and that actually starts. I wanted to ask oh sorry, just blinked out, so I was thinking as we're talking about some of the pieces and some of the past pieces, have you felt, I think? I don't know about you and how you grew up, but did you grow up finding and watching your mom filling her own cup? How did that happen for you? I did not see my mom filling her own cup when I was a kid. I feel like that was not something that was talked about in the 80s and 90s when I grew up.

Em Roberts:

No, and it's interesting you say that, because I feel like quite a lot of what I've done now is guide my mom into filling her own cup by showing her what you can do. And yeah, I my mum was a physiotherapist and was always pouring out to her clients and I saw that and saw her coming home in the evening being really depleted, I guess, and not necessarily having that much energy for us as children, because she was giving out a lot and that shift, that shifted and changed. But yeah, I really noticed there was no like emphasis on how to fill up your own cup and nurture yourself yes, I feel like my mom was the same way.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

She was a medical assistant and helped in pediatric offices, so she gave to a lot of different patients and the office that they would see and, coming home, I'm sure they both had energy lapses when they got home. I don't even know how they did it raising kids but I think in this era I love that we're now identifying the self-care. It's like a big buzzword right in all of social media. So what do you recommend for filling your cup? What have you found that you like to share with others?

Em Roberts:

yeah, I feel like filling my cup is, or also the gift of telling others about it. It's like my thing. I love tarot and the cup cards were coming through for me loads at the beginning of my journey and it was all about like, how can you water yourself? And I think a really good analogy is seeing yourself as a garden or a vegetable patch, with all these different parts of yourself that need tending to in different ways, and I think that's the key here. It's not, oh, every day I love a bath and I make a real ritual out of it. I have my Epsom salt and music, and it's a real like experience for myself.

Em Roberts:

But that's not necessarily what you need every day. Other days you might need to go sea swimming and really boost up your energy. So I think it's about finding what works for you and creating a toolbox for those different needs, and I think there's been such an emphasis on calming, and sometimes I feel like we forget about those tasks that are more energizing, like creating and doing your hobbies knitting, sewing, things like that I are also really important or running or doing boxing. That kind of expands your energy. So, yeah, I think it's about feeling into your body and what your body needs, and not that sort of mind that's going on. Oh, I'll just stay here. Sometimes it's slightly pushing past the mind and listening to your body.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, I love that so much. I feel like we all think we have to meditate for five hours or whatever amount of time, and that's the only way that we can really connect with our mind-body experience. So I love that you're mentioning physical activity and movement before podcasting. Sometimes, if I'm feeling nervous about something, I love to get movement in and I'll turn in some hip hop music from the 90s and move that energy out right, instead of sitting in that calm space, I feel like that energy just builds up inside of me and I need to move with it yeah, I love that and that is such a somatic practice dancing or just feeling a rhythm and shifting your energy, and I think you're so right.

Em Roberts:

There's such an emphasis on meditation, but what I found through my work, it's through movement that you can really create those shifts and there's definitely a time and a place for stillness with the body a hundred percent. But often I found it's moving first and then coming into stillness, which we've seen in yoga with fastener, the moving, and then you find your meditative state that's a good point.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

To have that calm time afterwards. I love that, yeah, and that's a better way to connect afterwards. That makes sense. And you had mentioned going for a swim in the ocean. Somebody once told me, when you're in the ocean water or near the ocean ocean, that's a really good time to feel connected. And the spiritual there's a spiritual idea of when you're connected with the ocean, when you're standing in the ocean water, that's a really good time that your energy is raising to a higher conscious level. So I love that you're mentioning swimming in the sea. Have you heard this as well with the saltwater? It's interesting.

Em Roberts:

No, I haven't. Actually, I've heard a lot of good things about the sea, but not that which is really interesting, because I see swim a lot. It's one of my amazing things I just love to do. I'm lucky enough to live by the sea and I knew that there's definitely this energy shift, but I never heard about that. And it makes so much sense because I'll often come out feeling really divinely connected to something bigger than me yeah, I love that.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

It's really interesting for my kids. They want to just be at the sea all day long. When we were in Hawaii, we were really lucky we got to go to Hawaii this summer and we could not pull my nine-year-old son out of the water even to eat. He just wanted to continue being there and it was really interesting to see him just be in this really zen, happy state. And when I heard that piece about the seawater I was like, oh, this makes sense because I think it maybe calms down his sensory system and everything that comes with being a human right. All of the pieces and the overworking brain pieces Everything's just calm so he can feel like in that mind-body connection he can feel in his soul space.

Em Roberts:

Right, yeah, and it's that sense of flow state, isn't it?

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, that flow state, that's a wonderful place to be. And yeah, hiking in the mountains is another place for us that we find in our soul state and sometimes it can be hard to get out there, but once we're out there and we're resetting, I think all of us come home happy. So, yeah, I love when you're talking about it. Yeah, I was going to ask you. So you mentioned that you can help regulate the system quickly. What are some of the pointers that have worked for you? Yeah, or others that you share with?

Em Roberts:

Yeah, that's a great question and I think the easiest one is using your breath. Regulation can be just one breath away, which is breathing out slower than you breathe in, and that instantly sends signals to your body to regulate. And then you can do gentle rocking, just like rocking side to side or tapping on the body. There's a lot of smaller practices you can do that really help you in the moment, and I think there's that balance with the somatic work of doing bigger practices and then having your toolbox of smaller ones to come back to. But yeah, one of my favorite ones is pulling on my ear and it's so simple and you could do it anywhere, but it just gives you this amazing feeling. It connects with your vagus nerve, so it tones your vagus nerve and calms you down. But I, when I first did it, I was like no way would this make me feel so significantly different? And then I was so relaxed afterwards and felt the edges of my body and felt really calm.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

I love that. Which part of the ear is it your earlobe or the upper part?

Em Roberts:

that's more cart cartilage feeling, yeah so you can pull on any bits. You could pull up to the side, pull down and I guess, if I quite like pulling and moving on, you just hold it for a moment and move on. And sometimes some clients have very sort of tight ears and then that's something we can look into. Where's that tightness coming from or what's the message behind that?

Carrie Lingenfelter:

okay, wow, that's really interesting, I love. I feel like the vagus nerve is definitely another hot topic right now. Yeah, can you tell? Do you? Would you be willing to share anything about the vagus nerve, to give us a little bit more info?

Em Roberts:

Yeah, definitely. I feel like the best way of thinking about it is it's like a tree that's rooting throughout your whole body and the brain's kind of the center of the nerve. I think something that's so interesting is this we often feel like the brain is sending signals to the body, but there's so much messages coming up from the body to our brain and the vagus nerve is linked to that, but it's linked to so many systems. So breathing, digestion, our our sense of touch, and we can tone our vagus nerve, just like we tone any muscle, just to tap into that calmer state quicker and help us get into our parasympathetic nervous system, which is our rest and digest state, and that's so important for healing. So we're often not in that state, we're go. So it's really important to train ourselves to come into that calming state, to heal and to sleep and to come home to ourselves sleep and to come home to ourselves.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Okay, so if I'm starting to get overwhelmed and overworked, what would be something?

Em Roberts:

that I could try, as a parent, to help me. Yeah, really good question, and I think some something a bit like we were saying before whether you want movement or stillness is assessing where you're at. Is your overwhelm like five out of ten plus? And then, if it's there, I'd say, definitely do something where you're moving. One thing that I think is really useful sometimes is actually using that energy to tidy or clean up. Because you're moving, you're doing something useful for the home and you can just shift. That's something that really helps me, but I know not everyone is loves tidying. But you could go for a run, a swim, something active, and then if you're more sort of one to five, you're overwhelmed.

Em Roberts:

That's when I would say, do journaling or take time to meditate or have a long bath and then, if you were five out of ten plus and move into doing something more calming. But it's just figuring out ways that can support you. And then I think, with overwhelm, it can be really important to find out what that is, what's underneath it. We have this feeling of overwhelm, but sometimes it's a deeper emotion underneath. Maybe it's anger or frustration from something that's happened with your kids or something at school, or it's a sadness because something hasn't worked out, and then taking time to feel that emotion and I'm not a parent myself, but I have friends that are and I often think about how you don't necessarily have so much time to process your emotions because you're out with your kids. So I would say taking a little pause and just having an emotional check-in and being like how am I feeling would be really beneficial yeah.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Is there any way that can help us? If we're not able to, we just feel frustrated and we're not sure why. Do you have any tips in trying to figure that out?

Em Roberts:

yeah, I think that's such a good question because sometimes you can just feel this way and you're like, oh, why? I think what one is actually learning to accept the emotion for what they are and that you don't necessarily need a reason to feel that way. And that's really helped me as a person to not constantly overanalyze why I'm in this situation and I think we can often think, oh, I'm feeling that way because my mum did that when I was little and now I'm expectable we go on this big story. But it can be quite good to practice just allowing, accepting, being a peaceful observer of the emotion, but at the same time, this is a duality of life. Sometimes you really do need to understand where that's coming from because you can address it. So I think trying to name it, naming the emotion, can be helpful.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

And then often with my clients, I think about when we first felt that emotion and doing some inner child work and figuring out where does that come up in our childhood, because often that can be actually the root behind the emotion that's being triggered in adulthood yeah, I feel like that's just such a common theme and point for us, for so many parents, is having those wounds or pieces that come up later on, especially as our kids are going through those phases or those eras that we may have had pieces of us. It's definitely I almost lately I'm trying to think of it as a gift, as giving me this higher conscious connection as to this is something that was needed inside of me to be worked on and to grow from, so I'm trying to use that mindset.

Em Roberts:

I love that and I think I often think as well your nervous system wouldn't let you feel something you can't cope. So yeah, you can't cope. So yeah, you're in that position.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

You're in that era of your life where you can take time to process that and that's like you said, that is a gift yeah, I think, trying to have that mindset as things can sometimes be challenging, it's nice to have a little bit of that positive mindset on it, on the change and that energy. So if we do not work on some of these dysregulated feelings, what can happen in our body If we squelch it down or ignore it? What does that look like?

Em Roberts:

I think this for me that looked, looked like and it turned into quite a big burnout and I just had so much to deal with all at once I was like whoa and I couldn't ignore it anymore. So I think by us, like squashing it down was like constantly on the verge of boiling point, and if we just had a moment to let it out, we would just be able to process it. So I think there's that and then I think it really does affect how you behave when you are dysregulated. You're not in your centered state, you're coming from a survival response which can lead to you. I think it's that moment when you have an instant reaction and it's not quite yourself and you can surprise yourself.

Em Roberts:

I think when we don't take time to regulate, we can be snappy and that's not so useful as a parent, is it Because you don't necessarily want to be like that with your child? Because you don't necessarily want to be like that with your child? So I think if it's ignored, it can lead to yeah, quite, I think, quite serious things and I think often people then find nervous system regulation when they have reached that boiling point. So I would always wish that we would talk more about this when I was younger. I wish I knew about more about my emotional world and how to regulate, because it is a practice and a skill that we could learn and continue with that's yeah.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

It makes so much sense to try to beat it early on or to work through it early on. What you had mentioned, some signs that you may or reactions that may come out to show these, this dysregulation in our, in our hearts, and some of the actions we may have. What could dysregulation? What are some signs that we could have in the body of the dysregulation? What could that look?

Em Roberts:

Yeah, that's a really good question, and I think it can look different for everyone, but there's some that just come up because our bodies are obviously, we all have a body, but it could be like tension that we just can't get rid of, like shoulder tension. It could be pain, for example, like back pain, twitchy eyes from excess cortisol, too much oversleeping, undersleeping, or just not feeling 100%, when you just know that you're not in your kind of thriving position. Yeah, there are some signs, and then I think it's those behaviors as well that you could notice in yourself. You're not just quite right, or you're sat in a room and you're not quite present in that room, your brain's running through other things. I think that can be quite a big sign.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

I love that. That's really helpful things to look for and signs to watch for in our bodies, and I wanted to ask you if you could share something with parents raising kids that are spirited, gifted, highly sensitive right now. What would you share?

Em Roberts:

Yeah, what a good question. I think it would be just taking time to meet them where they're at and understanding them and what their desires and goals are. I suppose children don't have goals, but their desires and how they want to follow their hearts and how you can support them, follow their hearts. And also, I think parents have such an important role in co-regulation, which is we all do that, even as adults. We regulate together through cuddles or spending time together and really I would say making time to co-regulate with your child, whether that is that supportive, nourishing hugs or it's active rest where you're just creating with that child. I'd say those would be my areas and how you can fill up your cups together.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

You love that. I think that's great and there's so much. We're learning so much about the co -regulation between moms and kids or dads and kids, and it's wonderful to think about that piece and I love all the tools you're giving us because it can be hard to always stay regulated and it's a work in progress. Even I'm learning so much and trying it all the time. I wanted to ask you what book are you reading right now? Should you give us any ideas about that?

Em Roberts:

I literally don't know the title because it's on my kindle. Can I just get it quickly? This is a problem with reading on the kindle. Let me, and then I forget what I'm reading.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

I'm reading like six books at the same time, so it's funny that's amazing.

Em Roberts:

Oh, I just never finish them and now I've lost it in the library. That's really unhelpful. I'm gonna. I'm gonna talk about one that haven't started. Sorry, you're gonna have to edit that bit out, that's okay, I got it, I noted it thank you.

Em Roberts:

I'm about to start reading A Court of Thrones and no A Court of Thorns and Roses, which I actually have been recommended by so many of my friends, which is a fantasy novel, and I'm really trying to read for joy. So I spent probably last year reading a lot for somatic books, which was amazing, but I'm trying to read a bit more for joy and I really like reading before bed. It really helps me wind down. Try not to watch too much tv around bedtime yeah, yeah, that sounds lovely.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

A court of thorns and roses, is that what it was?

Carrie Lingenfelter:

yeah, okay yeah, that sounds great. I will put it in the show notes. I'd love to include new ideas of things. Thank you so much, um, for spending time with us and sharing all of your amazing ideas and tips, and I love these pieces, love giving tools to parents raising these kids today, born with so many gifts, and also supporting their needs as well yeah, thank you so much for having me, and one thing I'd love to say to parents is that you'll never be regulated all the time.

Em Roberts:

It's normal to come out and you just come back to balance, and it's the same with your children, and I think just remembering that is so important.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, that's wonderful. It's a great last end for us. Thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you for having me. Well, that's a wrap. Thanks so much for tuning in. Changemakers. This is Keri, and if you haven't done a review for us five stars and a little few words about what you've enjoyed in our podcast episodes we would really appreciate it. If you guys would like to ever message me, I would love any questions you have or any feedback at info at hearttoheartlifecom. We also have a brand new website which we're super excited to share. It's hearttoheartlifecom. Thanks so much for tuning in and happy life, happy times. Changemaker families.