The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids

Breaking Generational Cycles with Family Systemic Constellations with Elizabeth Lynn Rohr

• Carrie Lingenfelter, CCC-SLP • Season 1 • Episode 87

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Have you ever tried everything to solve a persistent family issue—therapy, specialists, countless books—only to find yourself still struggling? What if the root cause isn't in your parenting approach or your child's behavior, but in patterns inherited from generations past?

Family Systemic Constellations offers a profound perspective: many of our challenges stem from moments when love was interrupted in our family lineage. When traumatic events weren't properly processed by our ancestors—wars, migrations, losses, abandonments—someone down the line often unconsciously "takes on" this unresolved energy. This explains why we sometimes develop patterns that therapy can't fully address.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr shares how this healing modality works with the natural flow of love through generations. Rather than blaming ourselves or our children, we discover how right-sizing our place in the family system creates profound shifts. The work honors each person's unique fate while releasing parents from the impossible burden of controlling outcomes. As Elizabeth explains, "We can guide our children, support them, model something different than what we received, but that's all we can do"—and remarkably, that's enough.

Most fascinating is how this work happens through horses, whose sensitivity to emotional energy makes them perfect representatives in the healing process. Without human preconceptions, they naturally respond to what needs healing, sometimes embodying family members or reflecting back exactly what we need to see.

Ready to experience a different approach to family challenges? This episode offers hope that by understanding and realigning these invisible threads of connection, we can restore the natural flow of love—benefiting not just ourselves, but generations past and future.

Connect with Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:
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Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

And so what happens, based on this concept of family, systemic constellations, is that someone further down in the line decides that, unconsciously, of course, they decide this they're going to take this on for that child, or they're going to take this on for the mother who never grieved, or they're going to take this on for the father who was never a part of the system. Yeah, so it's about love getting interrupted somewhere along the line, and someone down the line has sometimes it's the capacity to heal it, sometimes it's just a desire to heal it, sometimes it's just a desire to heal it, and they start having issues that can't necessarily be explained by science or therapy.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Hi Conscious Parents. It's Keri here and I am here with a little info about raising our mindful kids. I've got some tips and tricks about breaking free of the box and becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that. Along the way, Join us.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Hi there and welcome back. It's Carrie, your friendly, intuitive mama here, and I'm so excited I have somebody that's personally helped me today here on the podcast and so I'm so excited to connect all of you with Elizabeth Lynn Rohr. She is a expert in family systematic constellations and it's a little bit of a mouthful to say right now, elizabeth, but I'm so excited to have you here today and connect with you again.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

It's wonderful to be here, and can I clarify something? I'm not an expert. I'm learning and growing along with my clients, so I like to always point that out.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, I love that. Yes, I totally understand that. So I was going to ask you for our listeners what does family systematic constellations mean? What is it? And sometimes I've heard it referred to as family constellations, so I'm really glad you helped me to understand. To add the systematic in there.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

It's actually systemic. So we think about families as a system and that's the point of entry for this modality. It's a healing modality, but there's all kinds of systems out there. It's not just families, there's businesses. Some people do organizational constellation work. There is collective like what's going on in the world right now is causing a lot of people wobbles and people are doing what we call collective constellations. Because we live as a system. We're all interrelated. So what happens in Washington affects what's going on here. So that's why we call it systemic. It's a fairly new modality.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

It was created by a gentleman named Bert Hellinger in Germany back in World War II, and he has an interesting background. I always like to tell people his diverse background. He was a Catholic priest. He studied with the Zulus, which is a tribe in Africa. So besides the ritualistic piece of Catholicism he also got the indigenous piece from the Zulu tribe, and then he also studied family systems with people such as some people might know, virginia Satir. She was one of my idols when I went to college and trained as a therapist. She studied families and how mom and dad affect the kids, how the kids affect mom and dad.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Yeah, so I guess the way I would describe it. The best way I like to describe it is the concept is that things that occur in our everyday life, say, financial problems, anger management, it can be anything depression, children with ADHD, children with that the way Family Systemic Constellations looks at it is that it's not something the person did. It's not a wound. It's based on something that happened back in someone's lineage, and what happened was that love stopped somewhere in the lineage. It could be the story of our great grandmother who had an abortion, and think about that. That wasn't a normal thing back then and so people didn't process that. And so there's that child that never had a place in that family line. And so what happens, based on this concept of family systemic constellations, is that someone further down in the line decides that unconsciously, of course, they decide this. They're going to take this on for that child, or they're going to take this on for the mother who never grieved, or they're going to take this on for the father who was never a part of the system.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Yeah, so it's about love getting interrupted somewhere along the line and someone down the line has sometimes it's the capacity to heal it, sometimes it's just a desire to heal it, and they start having issues that can't necessarily be explained by science or therapy. I say to people all the time when they want to do a constellation, think about something in your life that you've been to therapy for many years ago with you know to look at and it's never really shifted. That's the kind of thing you want to look at with family systemic constellations that maybe you're not to blame, maybe it's not your issue, maybe it's out of love. I've taken this on for my grandmother, my grandfather, my great-grandmother, my great-grandfather. Think about we're a country of I think this is important to say we're a country of immigrants. All of us came from someplace else, and usually the coming from someplace else had to do with war or famine or some tragic event. Right, that doesn't necessarily get processed when it's occurring, and so some of us down the line decide to take this on.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Okay. So it's really interesting, as I was listening to this and I know because I've gone to you before, so I'm speaking a little bit with experience. For example, I'd love to share that there were things that were coming up for my kiddo and I had been to occupational therapists, I had been to counselors, I had been to psychologists and because I was a speech therapist myself, I tend to go looking for what kind of therapy do we need for this behavior or this feelings or things going on in our house. And I actually had therapists say well, we've taught you a lot of therapy skills and basically you're at the end of therapy. There's not much we can do for you, there's not much left that we can do to help you support your kiddo or to help him with these behaviors. And at that point I was like, okay, well, now it's time to try family constellations.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

I wish I had done it earlier, but like you said it's always the right time, though it's always perfect timing Right.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, and it's interesting as a parent, there were behaviors in myself that came up once I had my son that I had never had before. And I'm sharing this about myself because I'm here and I'm willing to say, yes, carrie, you can share this, whereas I don't have my kiddo, so I'm not sharing his behaviors per se, but for me it was like these angry moments that just came up and my husband was like I have never seen you like this. And looking back, it came up right after my son was born. I didn't have postpartum depression. I had like postpartum anger where I was angry at my husband and sometimes I would just be angry with my son for not being perfect and I was like where is this coming from? I'm a therapist and a teacher and I normally have such an ability to stay calm and regulated and connect, and so I wanted to share that piece.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Beautiful, that's beautiful and that specifically speaks to what I'm saying is that it's something that you try everything else for and it's not working, or or your mind can't quite grasp what's happening. Why are you, why am I doing this? Why is this a pattern in my life? Right, I've known people that I know.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

One of my early on personal constellations I received, so I have been known as a nomad, meaning I move every couple of years, and I've moved all over the country and I've moved even to other countries, and I did a constellation one time with a woman and I saw one of my ancestors as a gypsy in Germany and I am the roar name is German, it's very German, and it's probably three generations back that we came over and who knows what's in our lineage, right, like I don't have every piece of knowledge, but this gypsy was killed by a German soldier and I was the, my lineage was the gypsy and so, whatever happened, I don't even remember the particulars, but something came to me like this knowing this understanding of why I do what I do, that I'm trying to almost make amends for what happened back then. Yeah, I'm allowing that person to come through me to have a different experience with all of this. Yeah, it was fascinating, yeah.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

It's really powerful yeah.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Those of us who actually facilitate these sessions I will recommend this to everybody should also be doing sessions for themselves, so that we stay as clear as possible when we work with clients.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, and so so when we're working I guess in a session like that I've done with you, it was my husband and I and want to do this work- he was so skillful in what he did and it didn't take a lot of time to get to what needed to happen.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

But he did create a couple of rules and one of them is right order is what we call it in systemic constellation work. So right order is first comes the parent and then comes the child. Behind the parent is their parents, behind their parents is their parents. So the flow of love should be coming that way right.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

What I see in my work is that some of us, myself included got born into families where our parents weren't quite able to give us what we needed and that there was an interruption of love in their world. Right, so we became parents of our parents. This is really interesting. It's come up a lot recently in the work I've done with people. This is really interesting. It's come up a lot recently in the work I've done with people. The whole piece is to shift that back so that you become the child again, act like parent in this world, super responsible, over responsible, taking on all the troubles of the world, that kind of thing.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

But the other thing is when parents come to me about their children, I can't do anything for their children, but I can work with the parents so that energy somehow yeah, it's opened up, the love opens up, so that the parent can either see the child differently, can be different with the child, can accept the right order, like I am the parent. Right, I am the parent. I can't have my kid parenting me. I am the parent and I have to set boundaries. I had one woman say after her session with a very challenging teen I was able to set boundaries that I wasn't able to set before. Just that will change the dynamic with children, right? Yeah, so the premise is that when we do the work, like when I do my work, it affects my mother and father and those behind me, and it affects those in front of me too, because it just opens up the line. It opens up the love that wants to flow naturally and organically through all the way through.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Yeah, I don't know if that answers what you're trying to say, but I notice it's fascinating when I do meet with I'm not a parent myself, which is fascinating to me, but for the last year I've been getting parents of young children, teens, that have issues that the parents child, because the truth is, the child has their own, as I have spoken to you about their own fate in this world, right Like we can't interfere with our children's fate we can't interfere with. That's the problem when we try to parent our parents. We can't. We can't interfere with their fate either. They have to live through what they need to live through. We have to live through what we need to live through, and our children need to live through what they need to live through. We can guide them, we can support them, we can model something different for them that we didn't get, but that's all we can do but that's all we can do.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

That's all we can do. Yeah, I love that so much. I've been sharing it on other podcasts and I've been sharing it with guests that come on too, to heart, to heart, parents, because I think it takes off so much pressure as a parent when we're trying to line up all these ducks in a row and then keep them in a row for what we think will help our kids the most. But really, we can facilitate and we can help guide, but and we can we can give them, we can give them some of the knowledge that we we've learned along the way, and if they accept it, they accept it. If they don't, if they don't, it takes off pressure for me to have to make sure that it's stamped in there for them. I guess.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

I remember when you shared that with me and I don't mention your name, but I still say that to people it's like imagine what it would feel like to have a little bit of the weight lifted off of you as a parent regarding raising your children, that it's not like you go, a little bit of the weight lifted off of you as a parent regarding raising your children, that it's not like you go, you're on your own out the door, but it is a little bit of weight is lifted when you understand that you can't control what happens.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

You can't control and that, and that could be really painful, and I get that it's not easy to watch anybody we love suffer or anybody we love make poor choices. And I will say the other thing that parents can do is they can do their own work, no matter how old their child is. I have clients coming to me now that have 30 and 40 year old children that they're worried about. They can't do anything for these people. They're adults, right, they're out living their lives, but they're committed to doing their own piece of work that might free up their kids in some way so that the child, the adult child, the teenager, the preteen, the young child can have a different experience in life. And it does work. It's an energetic thing. Not everybody understands that, but it's it's true. I see it happen over and, over and over again.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so important to, if you feel called to do it, to at any age, to do it. I know when I did it with you, there were some things that came up from from my parent age, my parents age group, not getting into specifics but and I remember thinking, well, my mom or my parents wouldn't, they've already dealt with this. They wouldn't, but it was still coming into my life and affecting my kids too. So even if you're in your 60ies and you think is this necessary, like it's so helpful to work through it because it's going to come up as as your 40 something year old child adult goes through their parenting experience, it's going to come up.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Right, right, and and I so honor people, parents that are willing to step forward and do what they need to do, to release, open up, have a different experience of what they're caring so that they can show up differently for their kids, no matter what that looks like and no matter how old the kids are. I really honor people for that. You know what we might want to talk about. It just dawned on me we never said how this all works, and that's really interesting, right, like there's so many ways that this can work. You got to experience my favorite way of doing constellation work, which is with animals, with horses, and I'm sure listeners are going to go well, how does that work? Well, let me tell you. The first thing I'll say about that is that we all carry stories, conscious and unconscious, about what a mother's supposed to be like, what a father's supposed to be like, what a child is supposed to be like, and no matter what happens in a session. When there's humans there, that can seep in those stories, our own personal stories can seep in, but when we work with animals, especially horses right now I've got the two dogs, now that I'm talking about animals they're starting to play All of a sudden they're playing because they know I'm talking about the animals and the magic of the animals. The horses have such a strong heart sense and they're studied that they can sense things like hundreds of feet away prey. And they have to be aware of what's around them all the time, which means they actually sense. When we walk into arena, are we angry, are we fearful, are we sad? And they can respond to that. And there's certain horses that will show up and respond exactly like what the clients need. If a client's sad, the horse might come over and lay their head on the shoulder until the person regulates themselves and they can continue on with the session, or they might represent.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

I remember one woman whose son was really troubled and spotty, the horse that I love to work with. He came over and he stood in front of the woman and did not move for half an hour and I said to her I think he's coming as your son, I think he's representing your son, and so I would like you to say everything you need to say to your son that you're not able to say to him in this life and see what happens. And she said things that might've made her son angry, and Spotty just stood there and took it and showed how much he respected and loved her, so that she knows that there's a bond that she has with this son, no matter what happens in life. That's why the purity of working with animals is so powerful. They show us where we're not being aligned. They show us when there's been a release of energy. I think you might've experienced that Like horses go when they want to let go of something, when they want us to let go of something, to remind us to let go of what it is that we're feeling, so they can actually represent, take on energies and they can take on people in our lives that can help us work through whatever needs to be worked through.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

But typically what happens in a session is we sit down, we talk. You, as the client, decide what it is you want to look at. I start to get a feel by listening deeply. Who is it in your world? I like to say, as Susie Tucker, a great teacher, says, who at the kitchen table? Who at your kitchen table has similar aspects to this issue that you want to work? Mom, dad, grandparent, does it go further back? And then, if we're with humans, we start to pick people in the group that can represent those people. And these people don't know anything about your story, right?

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

I had someone come one time and after a session she said, well, all these people knew that woman's dad, right? And I said, no, they didn't know anything, they just. Everybody just shows up with an open heart and open mind and an open will and somehow or another, we start picking up on the what your mother was like, what your father was like, maybe some words that she might want to say to you, or some words that she did say to you, or some words that she didn't say to you. That will help you understand what actually happened in your relationship. It's a potent experience. Experience I think I want to say this that there was early on. I was asked in a session. I did not facilitate.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

I was just there in support to represent a woman's mother and I stood up and I turned my back to the woman and I kept hearing these words and I didn't want to say these words. I kept hearing them and finally I called the facilitator over and I said this is what I'm hearing. Quietly, I said this to them this is what I'm hearing. Should I say it? And the words I heard were I never wanted to. That as a a person was hard for me to even think about saying.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Yet when I said it, it released something in the client that she had been holding for eons Trying understanding. Oh, I so understand more of who my mother is now. Compassion was able to start growing for her, for her mother, I mean. It's things like this that happen and and it rang so true for her, even though her mother never said that to her right things like that happen so that a healing can occur. Either a healing occurs by a mother saying something or doing something that they never did in real life, or a client having an experience that they never had in real life. That helps them understand what was actually happening, instead of putting our stories to it Like oh, she was a horrible mother, and you know, yeah, I love that.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

It's focused on love. I don't know if I had understood that piece of it before I did it, but the flow of love and the disruption of the love that makes so much sense.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

I think that's what drew me into this too is I am a social worker by trade years ago and yet I don't know, as I grew, that stuff never worked for me anymore Like traditional therapy. I went to group therapy, I went to one on theone therapy, I did everything. But as things started changing for me, I started wanting some other explanation for why I was the way. I was. Not blaming my parents, not blaming how I was raised, not trying to find compassion for a woman, my mother, who I didn't know her whole story right. So as I started doing constellation work, that started opening up for me that the story piece, the like, understanding. This is where this came from, so I can accept it more.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

That is what love is acceptance, right, not wanting it to be any different than it is. And that's that's one of our issues in this world, I think, is we all want it to be different. I want, I want the world to be different. Yeah, I do, and there's a piece of that I want to continue to carry because that causes change. But I can't live in that Because if I live in that, then I'm a victim and I don't want to be a victim. Yeah, I'm not a victim. Yeah.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

I like that, that piece of carrying a little bit of it with us, to, to, to make the change, to be the change, yeah, yeah not digging your head in the sand, right, I'm full in love. I can't. I can't see this challenge. I can't see this hard time.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Yep, Yep. Well, we see a lot of that around this area, in the Boulder area, like a lot of what I would call. What do I call it? Spiritualized love, and I truly believe in spirituality and I truly believe in love. But love is a like a verb. For me, it's not a, it's not just a flighty feeling. It's like how do I show up every day? Can I show up every day? Can I show up exactly how I am every day? And even on those days when I'm not feeling my best, if I can show up and not like push that onto someone else, that's, that's a good day. That's a good day.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Definitely. Yep, yeah, I, I will say my Testament. Um, with family system, I can't have a hard time saying the word Thank you for a speech, therapist, that's good. So, yes, I, I, you know, I think, like you said, it opened up something in me that allowed myself to see my kiddo for who they were, but also this compassionate side that I was trying so hard to dive into myself, but I couldn't stay in it. Like I'd have pieces where I'd be in it, but during those hard, challenging moments it would be harder for me't stay in it. Like I'd have pieces where I'd be in it, but during those hard, challenging moments it would be harder for me to stay in it, whereas now it's easier to stay in that compassion, understanding and that love and to feel that flow of love.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

So that's it's that part is beautiful and you said the beautiful words like to accept. Accept your child for who he is right, that's such a, that's such a beautiful. I mean, think about what the world would be like if we all accepted people for exactly who they are, and and and and. Part of that is like.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

I work with women who, who, who did have mothers that were very, you know, not great, not great moms, and so to be able to say that's not something you usually can say to your mother I didn't get what I needed, and if you do say it, it's not really productive.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

But if I can stand in your mother's representation and you can say that to me, so that you can let go of that, and then I can show up slightly different than how your mother is in real life, imagine what experience that. And a lot of times we also decide, we also say that this is a soul-based practice. So a lot of times our parents are not body anymore, they're on the other side, and my belief is that when people cross over, they have a different view of life than they had when they were here, you know, trying to make the rent and the mortgage and the grocery bills and all that stuff that they might have, and your mom might show up loving and kind and sorry for how she was, except accepting her responsibility for what she created. That happens a lot in this work that people before us take the responsibility off our shoulders for what they did, and so it takes some of that energy away from us.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, well, that's lovely. Do you have any things that you would say? Just a last thought for parents going through this right now, raising kids right now what would you leave us with?

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Well, I never had kids, but I'll tell you what I think the hardest thing to do in this world is to be a parent. You know, and every time I I have many friends that have children so I can watch how they are and see how they are, and I also honor that. Most people I know who are parenting right now are trying to be different than what they had as an experience of a child and I so honor that. That is very courageous and very loving and keep doing it. And if you feel called to do a family systemic constellation for yourself, feel called to do a family systemic constellation for yourself, then do it. Do it. We have there's a few of us in the Boulder area as a that have formed a group called the Colorado Constellation Collective and we offer monthly sessions at Una Vida Niwot Meditation Center.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Because this modality is not something that's used in the United States as frequently In Europe they use it all the time. In Europe most therapists don't do marriage therapy anymore. They do constellation work if they know about it, and in South America it's very widely used. I know a woman that uses it in the judicial system another system, especially the system of. I think she works with family, family judicial system, which is huge. You know parenting, adoption. You know when there's a divorce who goes where she uses family constellation work with that Cause. It's a system. You're working with a system.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

When something's out of balance, you're trying to rebalance it yeah and sometimes our rebalancing causes issues for us, and so this is what it shows for us, so that we can right size and right order everything.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, I love that, el Elizabeth. I'll make sure to include your website and your Facebook information on our show notes.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

I love that, thank you, thank you, thank you for this. This is fun.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah and oh, I forgot, you were just saying about how people do it instead of marriage counseling yeah. I did, my husband and I did family constellations before we got married. We each did it. Yeah, oh.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

I remember that, I remember that and I love that about what you guys did. Yeah, I have a supervisor who's from Germany and she there's all. There's so many ways that you can experience constellation work with horses, with people, and she does work with horses with people and she does work with mats what we call mats and so what she'll do with a couple is she'll um, just so she can see where everybody is, she'll have them pick up mat and she'll not tell them what it is, but it's usually the husband, like the wife will pick the husband. The husband will pick the wife. They don't know what it is, but it's usually the husband, like the wife will pick the husband. The husband will pick the wife. They don't know what it is, and she asked them to put it down where it feels like it should be Right.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

And so if you've got a couple coming in for marriage therapy and the wife puts her husband over here and he puts the mat over here, well that tells you a lot right there as a therapist, right, that's where you get to start, rather than have to talk about all the stuff that goes on. You know where you are right and it's a beautiful thing that, like we're just trying to find our way back. And so what can move the mats closer together? What can move the people closer together? What can move the people closer together? What can bring the love closer together? That's the whole piece of work, yeah.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Thank you so much, Elizabeth. It's been lovely to have you.

Elizabeth Lynn Rohr:

Thanks, Carrie. I appreciate your support and I hope this has helped for people.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Me too. Yeah Well, that's a wrap. Thanks so much for tuning in. Change makers. This is Carrie, and if you haven't done a review for us, five stars and a little few words about what you've enjoyed in our podcast episodes, we would really appreciate it. If you guys would like to ever message me, I would love any questions you have or any feedback. At info at heart to heart lifecom, we also have a brand new website which we're super excited to share it's hearttoheartlifecom. Thanks so much for tuning in and happy life, happy times, change maker families. Bye.