The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids

Raising Highly Sensitive Kids Without Burnout: Perfectionism, Energy Boundaries, and Emotional Resilience with Lisa Lewis

• Carrie Lingenfelter, CCC-SLP • Season 1 • Episode 90

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Ever been told you're "too sensitive" or wondered why parenting feels so overwhelming? You might be among the 20-30% of people born with the highly sensitive person (HSP) trait. In this illuminating conversation with Lisa Lewis, licensed therapist and holistic practitioner, we unpack what it means to parent as an HSP—and possibly raise HSP children.

Lisa introduces us to Dr. Elaine Aaron's DOES framework, which helps explain why highly sensitive people process deeply, become easily overstimulated, demonstrate strong empathy, and notice subtleties others miss. We explore how these traits shape our parenting approach, often leading to perfectionism and exhaustion as we absorb not just our own emotions but everyone else's too.

The perfectionist tendencies many HSPs develop often begin in childhood—HSP children instinctively try to make everything "perfect" when they sense tension or conflict, sacrificing their own emotional expression in the process. As parents, we might recreate these patterns, striving for perfect environments and experiences for our children while depleting ourselves.

What makes this episode truly transformative are the practical energy management techniques shared. From visualizing protective boundaries with "this is me and that is you" mantras to teaching even young children how to protect their energy with simple visualizations, these tools offer immediate relief for overwhelmed HSP parents. The qigong practice of "shaking it off"—similar to how animals naturally reset their nervous systems after stress—provides another accessible way to release absorbed tension.

Ready to transform your sensitivity from a burden into your parenting superpower? This conversation offers compassion, validation, and practical wisdom for the highly sensitive parent's journey. Your sensitivity isn't a weakness—it's a gift that, when properly managed, allows you to parent with extraordinary insight and connection.

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Lisa Lewis:

And this is where the perfectionism can come in, especially in our childhood. If we're noticing, if you're an HSP child and you're noticing in your family of origin your parents there's conflict or your parents for not getting along, you, as that HSP kid is going to try to make everything okay, and not that anyone's asking you to do that. This is just who you are. So you may be trying to make dad happy and trying to make mom happy. You're going to be that kid that does everything perfectly. You don't get in trouble, you don't talk back, you don't. You just do everything that everyone tells you to do, perfectly Right, and that is at a loss for you. You don't take it to be a kid.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Hi conscious parents. It's Carrie here and I am here with a little info about raising our mindful kids. I've got some tips and tricks about breaking free of the box and becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that along the way. Join us Hi there and welcome back.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

I have a wonderful guest today. I have Lisa Lewis here. She's a licensed therapist and holistic practitioner. Thank you, Lisa, for being here today. I'm so excited to have you.

Lisa Lewis:

Well, thank you, Keri. Thank you for having me on today. I'm excited to be here too.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, it's so lovely to connect with somebody who works with highly sensitive people. I feel like that is a diamond in the rough. I don't know if many people. It's a growing area, so I'm really excited to connect with you and talk about that. I was sharing with you that, as a highly sensitive parent, as I'm online actually I didn't share this part, but as I'm online a lot and talking to other parents and connecting with other parents I'm finding so many parents are exhausted trying to get through day to day to day and they're talking about how overwhelming it can feel having a highly sensitive kiddo. So I often will say have you thought about looking into highly sensitive parent, highly sensitive person? Have you looked into this? What are your thoughts on that area?

Lisa Lewis:

Well, those are great questions and I always direct anyone to Dr Elaine Aaron's website hspersoncom, because she has the self-test to see if you can take the test for free and you don't have to sign up for anything like that to see if you can take the test for free and there's, you don't have to sign up for anything like that to see if you are a highly sensitive person.

Lisa Lewis:

And I think it comes back to especially for parents and whether your children are HSPs or not, is to know yourself first and to know yourself first so you know how to navigate yourself, and then knowing how to navigate your children and then finding out about who your children are, whether you have one kid, two kids, three kids, because they're all different and they all have different needs.

Lisa Lewis:

I have three children, children myself that are young adults and I mean I know so much more now that I did as a parent parenting my kids, and part of that is because I became a therapist during their childhood and so I feel like I didn't know anything. Now I know so much and I'm like, wow, I wish I could go back and do it all over. I think probably every parent says that, and that's okay, cause each person, I think, has their own journey and path in this life, and, as a parent, whether you're at HSP or not, teaching your children how to be an adult in this life, and like we were the only like mammals who have children for as long as we do, and like 18 years is what that, that magic number is All of a sudden, you're now an adult, and so teaching them as best that we can how to be an adult in this world best that we can.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

How to be an adult in this world. Yeah yeah, that's true, at 18 years is a long time to think about, and when you talk about knowing yourself, you and I had chatted briefly before we started about perfectionism. I was sharing that my husband and I are all type A, highly educated, and so we like to research parenting and understanding our kids, and it can definitely lead to a perfectionist piece in the parenting realm and then being highly sensitive as well, highly sensitive parents, it definitely can lead toward wanting to keep everything perfect in our kids' lives or perfect in their environment.

Lisa Lewis:

Yes, and I think I was or I don't.

Lisa Lewis:

I don't think I am as much anymore a perfectionist, but I can definitely identify as being a perfectionist as a child myself and also into the parenting and wanting to provide, like, a perfect environment for my children.

Lisa Lewis:

And I think, like I think, all parents to some degree want to provide an insular environment for their kids so they don't get hurt, they don't get beat up, whether it's, you know, by another kid or by a grown up, or by words or whatever it is like. We don't want to see our children hurt in any way and that's not how life works and that to like provide tools for them so they know how to navigate and pick themselves back up. And also that, whether you're a perfectionist or not, that coming back to a family who cares about you and loves you, that you can show emotional support. So then they can go back out in the world, whether they're six years old, 16 years old, 26 years old, and know like, hey, I know how to navigate this or I'm learning how to navigate what's coming at me or towards me, because I have a family that's raised me as best that they can and given me tools to help do that.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Are there pieces, too, that can come up as we notice? These perfection pieces as a parent Are there? Are those like opportunity? I think of those as opportunities for healing, growing, learning. Is that like when the challenges arise and things aren't going perfectly? I feel like so often as a parent, that can be a time where we can tune in and look for in ourselves what we're, what we're wanting to change or needing to heal. What are your ideas?

Lisa Lewis:

So I know for me as a perfectionist and wanting like to help my children, that I think I took away learning opportunities for them to grow as a child. And I think it's not because and something that I necessarily did, I think, was the environment that I was in, and it even goes to like the basics of like where I lived, the neighborhood I lived in and not having access to other children nearby, like I had to plan like playdates. And so then planning playdates is like okay, I talked to the other parent Are they going to be home? Are they available? Okay, when can I drop them off or when can they come? The other parent Are they going to be home? Are they available? Okay, when can I drop them off, or when can they come over and when are they going to be picked up?

Lisa Lewis:

So there's like all these moving parts to help my kid have like a normal life or normal childhood experiencing with other children, but also that as a parent having to do that, help with that, or maybe even when I was growing up I didn't have that. I just like, hey, this is where we live, you have to go out and find kids in the neighborhood and you have to find a way to get there or they come, you know, come to us. So I think that there is and you know this generation there is is a huge difference in that that we're laying out or trying to make it so easy for our kids or having the same things that we wanted as a kid, but there's all these other moving parts and steps that are taking place and it's eating up so much time. So I'm not sure that even answered your question, but that's where the question took me.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Okay, yeah, my husband and I definitely try to emulate the news is what we always joke about for raising our kids, because that was when we grew up and it was pre-internet era, I think. We had computers and some internet, but it wasn't like in your tablet or phone. So we tried to emulate that. But you're right, even if you're trying to emulate that, your kids are. There are other kids out there on phones and social media and having all of these different balls of busy families, both parents oftentimes having to work nowadays. So these busy schedules that we all have, it's not like Johnny can walk next door and ask Susie to play as often as what you're explaining in a more simple time.

Lisa Lewis:

Yeah, yeah, and I guess I think that's beautifully said. A simple time and I wish that it doesn't feel like parenting is always that simple. How come it's not simple? Are we making it not simple or society not making it simple? Is electronics, all these devices that we all own, not making it simple?

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. There's so many balls rotate balls to keep in the air as a parent and trying to make all of these decisions. As far as for highly sensitive parents, if they're feeling these moments of overwhelm or such, what would be some ideas? Do you have any ideas for parents going through this right now?

Lisa Lewis:

Yeah. So I like to use Dr Lane's, aaron's acronym does D-O-E-S to explain what highly sensitive person's experience the first one, d, and now I'm forgetting it depth of processing. So, as a highly sensitive person and you might even find this in your children like we love to have deep conversations. The surface level conversations don't cut it for us. So if we even become uh close to talking to people, that if, if we find someone that can go really deep, even like deep as you know, let's talk about how the world started, how, how, how come we're all here? What does that mean? What is the purpose of life? Like we found our people. And you can even find this in your children. And just like the things that they're reading, the things that they talk about, and when you start to notice that about your children, especially if you think there are sense that their h is p's and you start to bring that out in them, it's like whoa, like just hold on to your seat, because it's going to be a lot of information coming out.

Lisa Lewis:

Excuse me, the O stands for overstimulation. So this is when we can get overstimulated, overwhelmed in our environment and that could just be like by lights, sounds, having a chaotic, chaotic environment and being in large crowds like maybe a no, or just for short periods of time, so watching out that for yourself or for your children, how they respond or react in large crowds. This is when you see yourself, or maybe your children, needing to stand back like at the edge and just watch first before they engage or participate. Like even if you think about yourself going to a party, do you like to be on the perimeter just checking out, getting the lay of the land, or are you like more, like no, you just jump right in, you just start talking to whoever you you know is right in front of your face. Okay, so the e is the empathetic part, the caring part, and this is where we have to be careful, because this is where we see the people pleasing over giving of ourselves, wanting to take care of others, and this is where the perfectionism can come in, especially in our, in our childhood.

Lisa Lewis:

We're uh, we're noticing if you're an hSP child and you're noticing in your family of origin, your parents there's conflict, or your parents for not getting along you as that HSP kid is going to try to make everything okay, and not that anyone's asking you to do that. This is just who you are. So you may be trying to make dad happy and trying to make mom happy. You're going to be that kid that does everything perfectly. You don't get in trouble, you don't talk back, you don't. You just do everything that everyone tells you to do, perfectly right, and that is at a loss for you. You don't get to be a, you don't get to grow up and make mistakes and have tantrums and crying because there's no room or you think there's no room for you to express yourself.

Lisa Lewis:

And then the S is for sensitivity to subtleties, and these are that the HSPs notice, all those nonverbal cues they pick up.

Lisa Lewis:

You just walked into a room like, oh wow, there was a, there was a fight going on here, there's something uncomfortable about about it.

Lisa Lewis:

You pick up all of these subtleties and this is where that also that sense of overwhelm comes in, overstimulated because you're like noticing everything and it doesn't feel like you even have skin on, and then you're just like flooded, not showing what to do. And then you go into, like a freeze response or a fight response, that survival mode, and usually it's just more of overstimulation and you start to shut down and you start to isolate, withdraw. You may even see this with your kids, especially if they go to school and then when they come home they're just like they just need to be by themselves to like recharge. So that's one of the things that HSPs as adults, you need to go inward, have time to be with yourself, kind of like let go of all that, what's happened during the day, whether you're at work, whether you're at school, and just like, whew, that was a lot. And sometimes that being a lot is I need to take a nap and I need that ability to recharge myself.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, yeah, wow. It's so interesting. As an HSP, I feel like my whole entire life. Everybody has always told me to journal and at the end of the day, sometimes I just want to lay down and not, you know, be in a quiet, calming corner watching some really bad TV, just checked out and picking up a journal was often a lot of work, so it's so interesting how many times it's been brought to my attention. I'd say like 15 times in my life. People have mentioned it to me. If you are not interested in journaling, what's a great way to release at the end of the day?

Lisa Lewis:

Well, I was a energy healing practitioner and also Reiki certified, and I just started doing Qigong again, which is a you do all of those.

Lisa Lewis:

Yeah, oh, you do all those. Yeah, I love it. So my teacher, dr Maria Ferlano, who I love and she's like it's called shaking the bones you just get up and you just shake, you just shake it, shake it off, and you just shake for a couple minutes, five minutes, or you can shake like a tree and you're just shaking like a tree. And if you do this with your kids, do them with them, right. And if you think about mammals in the wild, when they are being chased right, they run away or they freeze, play dead, and then, when they're when the environment is safe, again like what is the first thing they do? They shake it off. So they shake it off, they're rewiring their nervous system and they go back to what they were doing. They were grazing or they were hanging out with each other, grooming each other, right. And that's one thing, like humans, we don't do.

Lisa Lewis:

We haven't learned how to shake it off yeah, right and if we look at hsps, which there are 20 to 30 percent of the population right, and this is not a mental health disorder. It's something that we're born with. It's an innate personality.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Personality Okay.

Lisa Lewis:

Yeah, it's part of who we are. We can't like get rid of it, even though we want to get rid of it or we wish we could get rid of it. But we are 20 to 30 percent of the population, half men, half women, and our, our purpose is to be on the perimeter and our purpose is to have those sensitivities because we are looking out for danger. So we're our herd mentality. Oh, there's danger, we have to alert the herd, to run to hide, to freeze, whatever that is.

Lisa Lewis:

So that's what, that's who we are, and then it's whether our society, like I, haven't lived in other cultures, other countries right where it is more acceptable to be sensitive as a man or a woman, and in our culture here in the us it's not and it's hard for hsp to feel like they fit in. And you may find in your whole life, where do I fit in, where do I belong? And I'm not feeling like I belong anywhere. And that comes back to well. If you're HSP as a parent, as an adult and you have HSP, it's like maybe it's just your.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Where you belong is just right there in your nuclear family wow, I can't imagine growing up in a culture where HSP was just part of the norm. Right, it was just, it wasn't like. I feel like in our society, sometimes in the American culture, we want to label it or we want to, I don't know. We want to find the things wrong with it, like you said, like you can't get rid of it. Find the things wrong with it, like you said, like you can't get rid of it. I think in our house we are identifying with highly sensitive and I'm looking to empower myself, my husband and my kids as HSPs. So we're talking about it as a superpower, we're using it as a mindset of the superpower. Like I can read the energy of a room when I walk into it. I can walk into a space and tell if a cat has been there, because my nose is really sensitive. I can, you know, I can help people when they're feeling really down. So that's, that's been something that we've been working with our kids and empowering them in that. I know, as a HSP, when I grew up, I put on so many layers of protection, going through life and telling, being told I was too sensitive or, um, you know, being too emotional or um, needing to focus all of those things, or being a high maintenance kid right, not being allowed to be a high maintenance kid, having to shut it off. Shut off the emotions like a faucet. So, yeah, we're looking to empower. I think that's really important for all of us going through this right now.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

And along the lines of empowering, I've also been teaching my kids about energy. We use a lot of vocabulary around it. I know my kids, so I have a almost seven-year-old daughter and almost 10-year-old son and they're in a socially, emotionally focused school. So it's really cool. They get a lot of great vocabulary in those areas. Energy is something that I've been teaching them because I noticed like my daughter will be talking to somebody and I was saying some of the topics sounded very heavy on her heart and so I started teaching her about energy. And if somebody is telling me a story and I'm feeling it in my body and it's feeling really intense, I'm going to monitor. Am I walking away feeling sad? Am I walking away feeling tired, like I need to be holed up in a little space? How am I feeling in that moment? So that's something I've worked on with my kids. Have you found anything that works for you?

Lisa Lewis:

That's great, carrie. I love that and I think, wow, you are like one of the like to be doing this with their children and I want to say kudos to you and I hope that you can reach a lot of parents to help their children. And I also, like I just want to say something just before we go on to the energy work, just to like as a protection for, for your, for hsps, like having the vocabulary about hsps and not everyone knows about hsps in the world and it's not like it's their fault. Also, they have, like, different language when we're out in the world where people maybe a more common language where people may understand it, and then when you're in your group of people that understand hsp vocabulary, to use that. But as a protection for you, that when you're out in the world, especially as you grow up and go out in the world, not everyone's going to get it or maybe even like it, and so now knowing how to navigate that for yourself, just as a as a protection, yeah, and then going to the like the energy side of it.

Lisa Lewis:

What I've learned, whether it's doing energy healing, reiki, any kind of energy modality is to have your energetic boundary like your bubble that surrounds you and to know what your energy feels like compared to somebody else's energy, and that learning that differentiation is what helps us navigate. Oh wait, I'm feeling that in my heart, is that actually me I'm feeling Is that me, or is that someone else's pain or suffering I'm feeling, or whatever it is, anger, yeah, right. And because, as energy magnets I want to say HSPs, because that's what we're born to do right, the skin, like sometimes we don't feel, like we have any skin to take in, like I'll just hold that pain for you, I'll hold that suffering for you, and then it gets so convoluted and then we can't decide like, oh, wow, like is, is that me, or is that them, or is that you? Well, I don't know. So now I just feel overwhelmed, I feel tired, I feel sick, and then I'm drained and then boom, we're out. So it's learning like I'm gonna have my energetic boundary and that is like this and I just love to do my hands in front of me, like having that bubble around me.

Lisa Lewis:

Some people think of a teflon shield. Whatever you want to, whatever image works for you, and whatever comes at me just bounces off of me or bounces off of my boundary and falls to the ground and then like and then the phrase is like this is me and that is you, this is me and that is you, and I can be here as grounded, centered, open-hearted, while you are over there, and you can be mad, angry, sad, whatever's going on, and like okay, that's not going to affect me or I don't need to hold that or take it in, but I can let you be you while I be me. And I think that if we can teach our children how to do that, like whew, wow.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, and we can.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

They have the ability. My six-year-old. I taught my kids on the way out the door to school we do a white light spiraling around us and then a gold light spiraling around us, and then I taught them to say positive energy only, no negative energy allowed. And so now I'll say white and gold light and then they'll recite it and they'll picture it. It's really cute. And so when I had taught my daughter about the energy work, she was in a situation at school where there was a kiddo that was going through a lot and was kind of just dropping this on my six-year-old daughter and she said mom, I felt that and I felt that it was making me sad and I was picking it up. So I did the white and gold light and I said the saying and it helped me, mom. So you know the six-year-olds, they can do it, we can teach them. It's finding the language and the tools and the way to word it for them.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Like you broke it down. I love the. This is me and that is you, especially as a highly sensitive parent because, you know, being a former speech therapist and teacher and also Reiki practitioner, healer, I want to take it all on for them when they're having a meltdown because their socks they don't like the lining of the socks, they don't like the way the snow pants feel. I just want to heal it and fix it for them, and it can be very, very draining to go through three of those meltdowns a day. So the this is me, that is you. I'm definitely thinking that's wonderful for parents to hear too.

Lisa Lewis:

Well, thank you, yeah, and I love that, and I love that example that you gave. And so it's okay that if you don't get it perfect or you, you have your own meltdown because you are human, right and you're trying your best too. And sometimes, as parents and I want to say especially moms, because we are, I feel like we do a lot, we do, we try to do everything because we're trying to make everybody happy in our family and sometimes we lose that, our sense of ourself. And if we're not giving anything to us and it's really hard to show up as ourselves or be our best self, and if we can't be our best self or give to ourselves, how can we expect to really give to anybody else, including our own family or kids or our partners?

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yeah, I appreciate you saying that, because I think so many of us, especially at the perfectionist piece, we think that the perfect mom is always energized, always ready, always compassionate and able to give and receive and be present with their child. But yeah, it definitely.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

You definitely need the recharging time, so I appreciate it and the compassion for ourselves when we do have our own meltdown moments as well. I love that. I was going to ask you one last question and you kind of touched on some of this. But what would you tell parents raising these kiddos today?

Lisa Lewis:

That they're doing a great job, yeah, and to remind yourself, even if you don't hear it, even if no one tells you that, to tell yourself that you're doing a great job with the information and the job that you have chosen to do. And some days are harder than others, and sometimes you may want some gratitude, some recognition, and you don't get it. And not to take it out on anyone, but find that recognition and gratitude someplace else in your life. I think that's part of the giving to yourself doing something in your life that brings you happiness and joy other than your family, whether it's doing something creative singing, dancing, whatever that is for you, try to do it and have that sense of recognition, appreciation for yourself, because that also models to your children like, oh, wow, like, yeah, like mom is doing something for herself and look how important she is to herself. And then then the your children learn like, okay, parents, adults need time to themselves too. Right, and I can be okay with another parent or babysitter. Yep.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Yep, that's beautiful. It's been so lovely having you on today, lisa. Thank you so much for your time and your energy. Well, thank you, carrie, it's been so lovely having you on today. Lisa, thank you so much for your time and your energy.

Lisa Lewis:

Well, thank you, Carrie. It's been wonderful to talk to you and you're so easy to talk with and I appreciate you and I appreciate what you're bringing to the world and how you're trying to help other parents navigate this world as a parent.

Carrie Lingenfelter:

Perfect. Thank you so much. Well, that's a wrap. Thanks so much for tuning in. Changemakers. This is Keri, and if you haven't done a review for us, five stars and a little few words about what you've enjoyed in our podcast episodes, we would really appreciate it. If you guys would like to ever message me, I would love any questions you have or any feedback. At info at heart to heart lifecom, we also have a brand new website which we're super excited to share. It's heart to heart lifecom. Thanks so much for tuning in and happy life. Happy times. Change maker families. Bye.