From Perfectionism to Play: Rediscovering Joy and Authentic Parenting with Valerie Probstfeld

In this inspiring episode of The Spiritual Parent podcast, host Carrie Lingenfelter sits down with Valerie Probstfeld to explore what it really means to release perfectionism and live as your authentic self in motherhood. Valerie shares her powerful journey from shame and overwhelm to discovering the healing power of inner child work, mindful play, and authentic connection.

Together, they unpack:

• How reconnecting with your inner child can transform parenting
• Why play isn’t just for kids—adults need it too for joy and balance
• How to shift from reacting in fear to responding with mindfulness and love
• The “5-to-1 ratio” tool you can use to reframe negative self-talk into compassion
• Why love is an action and how everyday kindness creates ripple effects for families and communities

If you’ve ever felt stuck in perfectionism, yelling when you don’t want to, or longing to feel more connected and alive as a parent, this conversation is full of practical wisdom and soulful encouragement.

Connect with Valerie Probstfeld:
*Website: https://www.tomomistolove.com/
*Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/valerie_probstfeld?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=MW52cjQ5Z2E1N2Vncw%3D%3D
*LinkedIn: Valerie Probstfeld
*Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1202028211625064/?rdid=hVr9d9OErebQFVKU&share_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fshare%2Fg%2F18voEFJU6X%2F

New! Conscious Family Travels Channel on YouTube with Carrie:
https://www.youtube.com/@consciousfamilytravels

Connect with Carrie:
*Website: https://hearttoheartlife.com/
*Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespiritualparent
*YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheSpiritualParent
*Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/The-Spiritual-Parent/61554482625081
*Email: info@hearttoheartlife.com

**Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is educational in nature and does not constitute licensed mental health advice. If you need such advice, you should speak with a licensed professional about your unique situation. Thanks so much happy listeners.

© 2024-2025 Heart to Heart Life LLC

Transcript

Carrie @ H2H Parents (00:00.234)
with you talking about being authentic if you feel like you found your authenticity yourself. If you've had to release anything in that process, I'd be curious.

Valerie (00:11.773)
Yeah, absolutely. I think that's a great question, Carrie. So, know, through those first couple of years when I was really kind of struggling with like just feeling like I was yelling too much, having that shame, like not knowing what to do with this whole like I thought I was going to be perfect. I actually went on this really interesting retreat and it was something that I think was very life changing with the people that were on

They don't remember the name of it, but there were just it's really like ten people were in this retreat of kind of of Showing the mirror to yourself. I remember they said that of showing the mirror to yourself I was dealing with a lot of like I saying earlier like anxiety and some OCD stuff So my therapist had recommended like maybe try this. It was like a three-day long retreat. It was very it was very eye-opening and so anyway they

essentially talked about how you have an inner child. And I know now, I think it's becoming a bit more common knowledge. But back then, or maybe just for me, I didn't really understand what that meant. Where I felt like I kind of suppressed my inner child almost where like I was too scared to bring my inner child out.

I didn't want to get yelled at growing up. wanted to do a good job. I wanted to be perfect. And my inner child was too vulnerable. And I think that retreat did a really amazing job at kind of opening up your eyes to just being and just allowing yourself to play and to listen to your inner child. And so after that,

Carrie @ H2H Parents (01:47.918)
Mm.

Valerie (02:07.485)
You know, I started to try to think about, you know, what do I like to do as Valerie? You know, because society can say, you know, this is what moms are supposed to do. This is, you know, ourselves can say that, but what do I like to do? And I did, what are those like value checklists? I don't know if you're familiar with them, but if you like search them, like it'll say like, what are your top, you know, three to five values. And I looked up, or I like,

Carrie @ H2H Parents (02:19.202)
Mm-hmm.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (02:29.314)
Yeah, I love, yeah.

Valerie (02:35.613)
thought about it. I'm like, well, I like adventure. like learning. I like exploring. And so why don't you try to live life more like that, but also incorporate my kids into it. You know, so I started doing more of that. I started like taking them more on walks and exploring and doing those things. And it, honestly like really filled my cup and made a big difference. And, and this wasn't like an overnight thing by any means, but it was just like continually.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (02:44.952)
Mm-hmm.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (03:01.218)
Mm-hmm.

Valerie (03:05.377)
and allowing my inner child to play with my children. you sometimes we can't always do that, but when we do, like when I do that, feel more like the mindfulness in that moment. I have more memories with it and I feel more.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (03:10.318)
Hmm.

Valerie (03:23.323)
I just feel more alive if that makes sense. And it me think of like, just, you know, how often do we allow ourselves to like be in the rain or like, I don't know, like you talk about doing cartwheels. I don't know the last time I did a cartwheel. I don't think I could do a cartwheel, but like that kind of joy, you know, like, I just think that's so underrated. And I try to just be more childlike with my children. And that allows me to grow.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (03:35.17)
Mm-hmm.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (03:39.438)
Yeah.

Valerie (03:52.087)
And really studies show that that is so powerful, that play, like adults are supposed to play. as an underst practitioner, kind of going back to that, think about like we, in pediatrics, for example, we ask our kids in the clinic, we'll say, and what do you like to do for fun? Because they're gonna give you a long, they aren't really gonna know how to say like,

How much exercise did you do this week? Like you just asked them, what do you do for fun? But it changes when they're, you know, when they become an adult, we then ask them in this quantifiable way of like, how many hours per week do you do X, Y, or Z? And it's like, why don't we ask that anymore to adults? Why don't we ask them, what do you like to do for fun? And I feel like, you know, it just would make such a difference if we really examined that and then just kind of didn't underrate that as much in our lives. So that was a...

Carrie @ H2H Parents (04:31.021)
Hmm.

Valerie (04:48.903)
Kind of a long-winded answer, Kerry, to what your question was of living my authentic self, but I think it is almost like learning how to be a child again in a way.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (04:57.838)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I love that tool. I love the value checklist. I actually did it. I had somebody recommend it for my husband and I to each do on our own. And then we compared them together. And it was interesting because our top number one, I can't remember if it was family, I think was number one. Number two was adventure for both of us. And then number three, his was financial security.

He's the breadwinner in our house. I don't know if that's the right term, sorry. He's the primary income. And then I'm like the, my number three was spirituality, which is my, my version of financial security is like a faith based version. So it was kind of interesting how they were related, but yeah, I think it's kind of fun to do with a partner too sometimes.

Valerie (05:30.087)
Peace.

Valerie (05:35.303)
you

Valerie (05:45.073)
That's a great idea. You know, I want to do that with my husband because I don't think we ever did it together. I know we've done it separately and that was it was, I know he did it like years ago and so we should do that. I love that idea. values almost like what is like both our values and then creating family values too.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (05:50.382)
Mm-hmm. Yep.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, yep.

Yeah, yeah, because it was really fun to then take that and then see, OK, well, we value all of these things. And yes, the pandemic was really hard for us because we couldn't travel. And that's where we get a lot of our adventures. Traveling is so fun. It's where we can find our flow, where we can put aside. I feel like both my husband and I step out of that perfection box that you can tend to get into when you're at home in the regular life. And so you just feel so free.

Valerie (06:15.421)
Yeah, I'm in it.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (06:31.446)
when you're traveling and there's two parents there for both for the children. You're not on your own. You've you've got a backup. So yeah, it just feels so we feel so alive and so in the flow and it just feels so cool. So.

Valerie (06:47.865)
Absolutely, I love that.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (06:50.51)
Yeah, it was really interesting to think about that. So now, and that gave us the idea of, OK, so we want to prioritize the travel. yes, in the pandemic, we got to do hiking. And I don't think we were skiing at that time. But we got to get outside and still have some adventure. But it was very different than getting to travel. So now we kind of have a little bit of a travel fever trying to catch up for that time. I was going to ask you.

Valerie (07:14.105)
yes. I understand that.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (07:20.428)
You mentioned you had written for me love as an action. And I was like, what is that? That sounds so beautiful. Would you tell us more about that?

Valerie (07:25.469)
Yeah. Yeah, thank you so much. I mean, I think that goes back to this whole mom as a verb, love as a verb. you know, this whole to mom being a verb is to allow one to rise care protect. And it really made me think about how we can when I think about to mom, meaning to love.

Love is really an action. Like what we do is an action. Like we can think about whatever it is or whoever we are. But what do others see as our actions? Like they see almost like going back to that whole video thing of like with my daughter, like I was justified in my head for whatever it was, but all she sees is mom being angry. And so how can I live more?

With my verb, how can I to mom more or even like going outside of the parenting realm? But how can I how can I love as an action? How can I? How can I make a difference? You know, how can I? Spread ripple effects. I think that's so important to lift each other up as moms and as people you doing work that truly matters and I think that you know if I can make a difference if I can

you know, maybe try to smile more often and be able to be something that helps someone else to be kind and then have that ripple effect. I think it can be so powerful. Even like talking to strangers. It's really interesting. mean, in a safe setting, I know like there's a study at the University of Chicago and they had

assessed a variety of individuals commuting downtown Chicago of how would you feel if you talked to a stranger? Would you like it or not like it? And most of them said, no, I wouldn't like it. But afterwards, most of them really enjoyed it. And I thought that was really interesting that we just keep to ourselves so much. And if we can just be kind and use that as an action, it not only helps others, but it helps ourselves. It helps, I feel like, really like just our community society in the world.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (09:36.046)
Hmm.

Valerie (09:53.377)
I think if we all live more with that, just this world would be a better place in my opinion. so that's what I kind of, that's what I think about when I think of action and how can we just be kind to one

Carrie @ H2H Parents (10:09.678)
You know, it's kind of interesting. I went to an event at Gaia. I don't know if you've heard of it. It's kind of a little bit of a spiritual network. They have a lot of shows and stuff online. there was an author there. Yeah, there was an author, Lynn McTaggart. And she has this theory that she was putting into practice while we were there. We had no idea what we were doing. It was this free event. And I've always wanted to go to Gaia. So was like, let's try it. so her theory.

Valerie (10:21.648)
How cool.

Valerie (10:36.733)
Yes.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (10:39.632)
is when we are...

setting an intention as a group. And she really emphasized the group setting. So setting an intention as a group together. And our intention was for peace. And so she was doing an experiment. And she chose a location. And she said, let's choose Washington, DC. We didn't know the location before we arrived. My husband and I didn't even know what we were doing. We just had a babysitter and had a fun, peaceful date. so she said, we're going to look at DC. And we're going to sit together.

hands which is you know you're sitting next to a stranger and you're holding their hand so it's especially for introverted highly sensitive parents like my husband and I were like okay this is odd pandemic I'm gonna have to handy-sandy later but you know or wash my hands but you know so we're all holding hands and we're setting the intention and we're thinking of peace and love and healing

together in this environment. And then she also broadcasted it online, live. So there was an online community doing it at home as well. And we were all thinking of the one place. And it was interesting because while we were there, I saw an image. I was having a hard time with my almost 10-year-old. He was feeling a lot of emotions at that time. And I had this fear of what is going to happen. Am I getting through to him? Is he going to have a hard time later on?

So Lynn McTaggart's philosophy or idea was, as you are working to help others and you're setting this intention and this love for others, you receive it for yourself. And you receive a healing almost in a form like this energy piece of this healing that comes towards you when you're thinking of others and sending love to others. And so we were sitting there and I had this idea of my son and the things we were going through and the challenges at that time. And all of sudden I just

Carrie @ H2H Parents (12:34.8)
And I was trying to focus on what we were talking about, but I also saw my son in this problem. And I just had this energy, this peace wash over me. It was really interesting. And I was picturing the picture they had showed us of DC.

and sending love. And all of sudden I heard in my head, are love, or I am love, you are love, we are love. And it just kept repeating in my head, I am love, you are love, we are love. And it was really cool because I just had that wave of peace wash over me. And then as we were talking, a lot of people, we discussed it as we ended. It was like five minutes of this intention and this peace and love. And a lot of people had all these different peaceful moments as well.

this receiving of love that they received as well, even though we were focused on DC. So it was just this really cool. You'll have to check her out, Lynn McTaggart.

Valerie (13:28.515)
Yeah, I definitely will. That sounds incredible. What an experience. That sounds amazing.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (13:33.518)
Yeah, so it was really interesting to think about when we're sending love out to others and having this intention for others, how we're also receiving love and sending love to ourself without realizing this whole piece.

Valerie (13:47.981)
I love that. I love that. And it's like that collective experience. like, I think that's just so cool. And you know, as a musician, like, I haven't played in a long time, but I was like, love thinking about like, just

Carrie @ H2H Parents (13:52.748)
Yes.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (13:59.15)
Mm.

Valerie (14:02.961)
I think it's Andrew Huberman calls it the concert phenomenon when like, literally during like if we're at a concert or something that we both are enjoying together, like our heart rates will synchronize and our breathing synchronize. It's just fascinating to think that, and this can happen like with storytelling where you can almost like telling stories from different generations even. It's just the coolest thing that it surpasses love, stories, experiences.

like this can surpass just everything. It's just I really find it all so fascinating and you know when I grew up I think there was so much fear and anxiety and whatever else there was like I can't really speak for you know what you know what my mom what was in her head versus what I saw because I saw a lot of angry mom and but I feel like there is you know if we

Carrie @ H2H Parents (14:46.326)
Mm-hmm.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (14:56.888)
Mm-hmm.

Valerie (15:02.589)
She would kind of almost like I think growing up I felt like you know fear or control was the answer not necessarily love not necessarily letting go or being kind or you know those things and the more

I feel like I experience life, the older I get, more it's like, that truly is what matters. That truly is like, that's strength, that's power, kindness is power. And it is not a weakness, but a strength. And it's something that takes incredible strength and bravery to do sometimes. And so I think it's just so neat, all of it.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (15:26.188)
Mm-hmm. Yes.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (15:34.819)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

It's really interesting. know I've been doing a lot of, there's this thing called solflegio frequencies, and it's an idea of certain frequencies of music can help to realign our energy in our body. And there's different frequencies for, it goes with the chakras, so there's a throat frequency, a heart frequency, and then it has the colors of the chakras.

playing it on YouTube for my kids before they go to school, which I forgot this morning. But we're a little out of whack on a Friday morning. So I've been doing that. And I'm thinking about it. It's like, we're also there together. I wish I could test our heart rates in that moment, right, to see if we're all listening together, eating breakfast, and listening to these frequencies. That's kind of an interesting thing to think about with music.

Valerie (16:25.935)
Cool.

Valerie (16:31.845)
It's.

Yeah, it's so interesting. And even like, just sometimes I think we overlook like, you know, I remember as a musician, I had an issue with rushing. I that I was like, don't rush, don't rush. Like I love playing fast. Like it was just so cool to play fast. And it was the hardest to play slow. Like it was so hard to just kind of take that note in and then move on to the next note. And

Carrie @ H2H Parents (16:48.566)
Yes.

Valerie (16:59.079)
bringing it down sometimes is like almost like I feel like I have it takes practice to do it almost like it's like in life like we're so used to rushing to go go go and just being mindful and you know bringing it to that slower tempo to that slower pace and truly savoring the moment for what it is.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (17:05.976)
Yes.

Yes.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (17:16.622)
Mm-hmm. And going back to that fear piece, too, we're rushing as parents. If we don't get them to soccer when they're five on time, they're not going to be the next soccer superstar and get that scholarship to college, or they won't get into Stanford, or whatever school you're shooting for. It's just this pressure.

Valerie (17:32.699)
huh.

Valerie (17:38.268)
Yes.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (17:38.51)
And that often leads to the yelling. There were times where I was yelling, I'm a very peaceful person. And so to yell, like, what is this? My mom didn't yell. I was a pretty calm kid because I was a perfectionist and scared of getting in trouble and having to have everything perfect. Trying to be the perfect child so I could be loved was my inner child pieces. But as I'm yelling as an adult, I'm like, where is this coming from? Oh, it's coming from fear. If I don't yell,

Valerie (18:01.597)
Bye!

Carrie @ H2H Parents (18:09.045)
If my kid is getting out of hand and I can't control the situation, I can't teach them how to be a good human right now, what are they going to be? They're not going to get into college, right? Where are all those fears as parents coming from? That's so much the core, I feel like, for yelling.

Valerie (18:26.557)
Absolutely. I think that's so, so true. And I think, you know, it's so incredible, you know, way back to the brain. And like, I love thinking about like, that, know, like the whole fight or flight and this yelling is like from this little almond, that amygdala. And it's just, it's literally the size of an almond. It's so small, but it creates so much of a powerful response. And I should say reaction and like going back to this whole reaction versus response. I love this quote by Victor Frankl.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (18:44.846)
Interesting.

Valerie (18:55.965)
Where he says between stimulus and response there is a space within that space allows us to Err, sorry. I'm trying to remember exactly what he said, but essentially within that space lies our growth and Within that growth lies our freedom I know I didn't say it as eloquently as he has but essentially saying the lengthening that space and that allows us to be free

And when I think about it from that amygdala, you know, like there's that fight or flight, that part of my brain is reacting, it's fear based, it's, you know, this is like, we're gonna run late and then X, Y, and Z, they're not gonna get into the school, they're, you know, whatever that is, that's all my amygdala firing. And how can I respond more with my logical part of my brain? And it's within lengthening that space of like taking that mental back road of like, let me build different pathways. I'm like,

Carrie @ H2H Parents (19:32.312)
Hmm?

Carrie @ H2H Parents (19:37.25)
Yep. Yep.

Valerie (19:52.189)
The fear based is so like it's a survival thing, right? Like, but the amygdala doesn't really understand that. I think it's just so interesting where it's like, doesn't understand that it's okay. It's not like a life or death thing. If our kid doesn't get, you know, like doesn't get to soccer on time at five or whatever, as long as you know, it like, it's more of this, like, it's this false thing it's responding to and lengthening that space is just, I think, so key for me to

Carrie @ H2H Parents (19:55.79)
Mmm.

Yeah.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (20:08.27)
Mm-hmm.

Valerie (20:19.517)
At least be aware of, like, am I responding or reacting right now in the moment?

Carrie @ H2H Parents (20:25.07)
Yeah. Do you feel like, I mean, watching a video of yourself yelling, whew, that would bring up so much emotion. Oh my gosh. Did you come to give yourself grace, compassion? What worked for you to come? You had to heal yourself after that.

Valerie (20:30.405)
Yeah.

Valerie (20:40.657)
Mm-hmm.

way Carrie actually you know and I've written and talked so much about it I don't know if I have given myself that grace because I get so like I can't be like you know like I can't I almost like I have to work on it but I think it is saying again going back to that perfection of it's being imperfect and we're not always gonna be perfect mom like we're gonna make mistakes

and it is okay because then it allows moments of repair and it allows us to say, know, mama, stop, like, and here's what I'm working on. Like, you know, you're working on this at school. I'm working on yelling or whatever that is. And I think it makes us more real. And I mean, I don't know, I guess, like if that's like the what my kids are going to say later on.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (21:33.027)
Yes.

Valerie (21:41.993)
was that the best way to do it? But to me that's what makes me feel most content. It makes me feel more comfortable because I'm real then and I'm embracing my true self and I'm not trying to be perfect because that's not what it's about. Like that's not what being a mom or being a parent should be about. It's about love and we can get so wrapped up in all this fear and all this stuff but if we just allow ourselves to be and love I just think life becomes a lot more simpler and a lot more enjoyable that way.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (21:52.226)
Yep. Yep.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (22:10.038)
Yep. All right, I have one more question for you, Valerie. I would love to know, what's your favorite tip or tool that you've used for yourself to either heal from the perfection, heal from watching the tape of yourself? What's your favorite tool that you would love to share with other parents going through this?

Valerie (22:13.734)
No!

Valerie (22:27.741)
Bye.

Valerie (22:32.637)
I my favorite tip would be...

Valerie (22:47.133)
So I would say, Carrie, that my favorite tip would be that, know, John Gottman talks about the five to one ratio for marriages, of like five positives to one negative. But I like to focus that on myself. I think that relationship with myself, you know, of how can I counteract my negative mental tape with five positives? And

think that that's so hard to do. I mean, it's so much, I can say it and like go on about, here's what you should do, write it down. You know, I can tell others that and I can say five positives for others. But when I say it to myself, it's just a lot harder. And practicing and growing in that, I think is something that I not only work on, but I feel like when I focus on that, the more I give myself grace and forgiveness and...

Carrie @ H2H Parents (23:20.192)
Mm-hmm. Yep.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (23:27.776)
Mm-hmm. Yep.

Valerie (23:44.157)
You know and sometimes I think five is a big number But the more I focus on the positive the more the less I'm focusing on the negative and sometimes that's just well, you know, I Got the kids to school on time today, know or something like that doesn't have to be a big thing But the more I can reframe my thoughts Into more positive as opposed to negative that just really has helped me You know, I think just grow

Carrie @ H2H Parents (23:51.694)
Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Valerie (24:12.829)
in that. Like we're always growing, we're always learning, and for the longest time people thought adults didn't, but we really are. We're learning, you know, all the time. And so that's what I'm learning now, to be kinder to myself and to counteract those negative thoughts and purposely do more positive than negative. So that would be my tip, I would say.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (24:22.376)
yeah.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (24:34.668)
Love it. I've never thought of it that way for ourselves. That's beautiful. And Gottman is awesome. We did their marriage course together, my husband and I. It was wonderful. Yeah, yeah, I would recommend them. I love that.

Valerie (24:42.705)
that's awesome.

Valerie (24:46.493)
I'll have to check that out too. Yeah, I've always wanted to do more with just like, it's so, yeah. The more we can do positive in life as opposed to negative is just so key, I feel like, to everything.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (24:52.855)
Mm-hmm.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (25:01.868)
Yeah. Yeah. We couldn't. was between my kids, between the first and the second we did it. I would totally recommend it. And we did the self-taught version so you could go at your own speed. So I'd recommend that one too. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

Valerie (25:15.356)
That's good to know. Okay, I'll have to check it out. I'd love to do that too. I have so many like things to do with my husband now. I have to do a value list together, try out the Gatman courts. That would be great.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (25:27.31)
Apparently the universe wanted you to focus on that this weekend or coming up. That's what it's putting it into your mind. Apparently you're meant to hear that today.

Valerie (25:33.277)
Yes, and Carrie as we're going on I mean like well you've been very grace gracious with me as my kids have been literally all over the place and just now they looked at the balloon and pretended to do like a like a little farting noise with the balloon so hopefully that didn't pick up but see this is where I space and say you know what not

Carrie @ H2H Parents (25:54.124)
I didn't even hear it. See?

Valerie (25:59.677)
not for forever are my kids gonna wanna be interrupting me, you know, in this. It's not, and being grateful for that, like changing that and being like, you know, it's just like, it's okay, it's okay. So, but I appreciate your graciousness, Carrie, with that too. And I think we're always learning something and now it's balloons and podcasts.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (26:04.823)
Yes.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (26:17.294)
It is? Yep. Thanks so much, Valerie, for being here today. We really appreciate your chat.

Valerie (26:27.998)
Thank you so much, Carrie. I truly appreciate it.

Carrie @ H2H Parents (26:31.34)
I'm gonna push stop.

Valerie (26:34.237)
you