Today - I'm going to tackle a topic that might offend some people - but here I am saying eff it. Because… isn’t that the point of this podcast? To talk about the hard things… even when some people might not like what we have to say?

 And - I can't do a series on obstacles, if I'm not willing to talk about one of the hardest things we face - Gender Bias.

 Ok… I'm going to share a story. When I was pregnant with my first son, I was leading a full-day off-site meeting with a group of Senior Leaders. Mostly men… all of which were incredibly successful and in positions of power. They were all well-respected individuals that I had been working with and for over the course of the previous couple of years. I genuinely liked all of them.

 I was VERY pregnant… I mean - VERY. Like 39.5 weeks pregnant. I mean I could've gone into labor in this meeting that's how pregnant I was… but it was my meeting and I didn't want to miss it. During one of the breaks, I was standing at the counter grabbing a snack and one of the men came over to me. He started making small talk about my pregnancy. I appreciated his interest in my experience and my life circumstances. But then… he started talking to me about breast feeding. He was asking if I was going to breast feed, explained to me that it was what was best for the baby… that it was hard and that my nipples might get sore and chapped, but if I pushed through, it would be a beautiful experience. I should mention - this man was married and had a number of children, so had some personal experience with this topic, I suppose.

 I was frozen. I was at work, a place where I had great aspirations to achieve an increased level of success and I was having a conversation about my nipples with a person who would be in the room when my promotions were decided. My nipples. 

 In the moment, I smiled, nodded and said "Thanks for the advice… I'll keep it in mind."

It's a story I've come back to over and over again, for many reasons… the most pressing is this: what would've good looked like in that moment? Should I have said something? Should I have asked if he wanted to talk about his penis and see how that would make him feel? Should I have reported the conversation to my HR partner to follow-up? 

 I'm still not sure the "right" answer - I know that I grew from the experience and it helped me navigate other challenging conversations in a more direct way. But the point of sharing this story is this: this man was a great dude. He was kind, he was caring, he was engaging… he was trying to connect with me… but crossed a boundary.

 And I think that's what makes discussing gender bias hard. It's easy when the person in power is a douche-bag. When he's a misogynistic, egotistical leader. But - for the majority of us… that's not the case. The majority of my experiences with gender bias haven't been grounded in overt discrimination… instead, they are subtle moments of interaction where I'm left wondering how/where I go from here.

 It's when I've been the only woman in a group of men talking about their golfing weekend together. It's when I work with a sales organization and they point out that their sales culture is grounded in beer drinking and sports scores. It's when my partner's leader/coworkers give him crap because he has to do kid pick-up because I'm working. These are the biases that we all face and are incredibly difficult to navigate.

 We know that we're different than our male leaders and co-workers. We often are more collaborative, more empathetic, more in-tune with those around us. We value listening, learning and adapting. These are pieces of who we are. And - because of that, women are often seen as indecisive, not assertive and overly emotional. Let me be clear - we are none of those things.

 Perhaps the title of this podcast is a little misleading because overcoming these biases feels unrealistic. So - if we can't overcome them… what can we do?

1. Take a seat. Listen - we will never be able to convince the people around us that we deserve a seat at the table if we're not willing to pull out the chair ourselves and take the seat. Don't wait for someone to invite you - step in. That's what the men are doing. Once you're sitting there, there's no need to change who you are - you needn't be more aggressive or assertive… just be you. But that act of speaking up and saying you need to be in that meeting or letting your leader know that you have something to add to that discussion… that act will be enough to get the ball rolling. If we don't take a seat at the table… things will never change.
2. Assume positive intent and then follow-up. Going back to my story - I knew, in my heart, that the leader was just trying to be supportive of me. It was woefully misguided, but his intent was good. If I had it to do over - here's what I'd do… and what I've done moving forward. I would've acted the same way in the moment… thanked him for his advice and moved on. Then… I would've set up time with him later, and I would've said :Listen… I'm really grateful for your guidance and advice in all aspects of my life. But… I have to say, when you started talking to me about my nipples being chapped, I felt really uncomfortable. I know you and know your intention, so I'm not upset by the interaction. I'm sharing this with you because I think it's important for you to know how uncomfortable I felt in that moment. It's nothing that I need any follow-up on… it's just something I thought might be a helpful learning moment for both of us." That's it. You name the truth - he's a good guy, he's trying to do good things, got this one wrong." I feel like oftentimes, as women, we forget that the majority of people are innately good and we jump right to being "wronged." I think that's warranted sometimes. But - when you do that, we miss an opportunity for learning. I truly believe that the only way to overcome these gender biases is by creating a space where the men around us care enough about us as human beings that they are open to our feedback and want to learn when they get it wrong. And… I also think it's just as important to recognize them when they get it right. Remember - men are hardwired for dopamine… that immediate, clear and actionable feedback in a supportive way is going to get the best results.
3. Ok - lastly - don't own what isn't yours. Listen… it is NOT your job to remove bias from your corporate culture. It is also not your job to teach your leader, coworkers about microaggressions and discrimination. It is your job to be clear about your boundaries and hold the line firmly and kindly. Period, end of story. In my example - if that leaders behavior didn't change, that's not mine to own. What was mine to own was the conversation and the opportunity to support him in expanding his view…all centered on me clearly defining my own, personal boundary with him. That is all. If you are being stereotyped as too aggressive or not assertive enough… these are pieces of feedback you must consider and learn from. If you feel that they are rooted in deep gender bias, you need to share that insight (it could look like this: Hey Mr Leader… I know I continue to get feedback on being too assertive and I want to be able to really learn and evolve. I'm struggling though because when I sit in meetings, Joe and Jeff, my male peers provide the same direct feedback that I do, but they receive recognition for it. So - what it feels like to me is that I'm getting labeled because I'm a female that is a direct communicator. It's confusing to me, so I'd love to better understand the exact behaviors that I need to work on that lead to the assessment that I'm too assertive. Can we talk through that together?) These are important things to call out because we all have the opportunity to learn… but we should never accept that expectations are different because we're women. We must have the courage to speak our truth in an open, clear, and kind way that leads to learning on BOTH sides. 

 In conclusion, navigating gender bias is no easy feat. It's about recognizing the subtle moments, like the one I shared, where boundaries are crossed, and finding the courage to address them head-on. It's about taking a seat at the table, assuming positive intent, and setting clear boundaries without shouldering the burden of fixing the system alone. 

Remember, change begins with us - by speaking our truth and encouraging shared learning, we pave the way for a more inclusive and equitable workplace for all.

 Alright ladies - until next time, keep leading with courage and confidence and remember that you deserve to be unleashed.