Aloha Ladies. Welcome back.
Today, we are continuing our review of Wil Lake's book Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better Together, looking at session three (3), which is all about making "decisions together."
Now, this section of the book is short, and after I read it, my knee-jerk reaction was, "That's nice, but don’t all married couples make decisions together?” And then I had to stop and really think about it- has there been a time in my marriage that we didn’t make a decision together? I even had to enlist my husband to ask him – if he remembered a decision we hadn't made together. What's interesting is he brought up something that I had completely forgotten about – an incident that had him in the doghouse for some time, but that was more poor judgment on his part than a decision we should have made together. Yet, as he was sharing, it reminded me of something else. And that something else was a HUGE decision with long-term ramifications, and I realized we didn't "decide it together."
That decision was my husband being on the SWAT team. I remember him coming home and telling me his police department was forming a SWAT team and that he was interested in applying. I also remember telling him it wasn't a good idea and listing out all the reasons- he was already on K-9 and subject to dangerous callouts. Not to mention, he was a firearms instructor and a supervisor. He already worked shift work and was barely home- adding SWAT to the mix for me only meant more stress, responsibilities, and an MIA husband. I naively thought that was the end of the discussion and was shocked when, weeks later, he came home and announced he had made the SWAT team! Boy, can I tell you, I was hot mad!! Yet, he was on the SWAT team for over eight LONG years and I had to simply learn to accept it, adjust, and cope. (And just let me tell you – being a first responder spouse is not easy on a good day let alone adding layers of additional stress!)
Anyway, after reading this session on making decisions together and looking back, I realized we had failed miserably and after all these years, I was still carrying around bitterness over this SWAT decision. I could see where we really didn't go through the proper process. We didn't take the time to try to see each other's perspectives and understand each other's positions, and I was left feeling devalued and unloved—like I was in second place to my husband's career.
(And as we learned last week, these are the exact basic needs of a husband and wife—she needs to be first, valued, and cherished above all else (even the career), and he needs to be respected, which goes hand-in-hand with excelling in his career as it builds self-esteem and confidence.)
I'm so thankful for this Bible study because it has allowed my husband and I to talk it through now, to see where we went wrong, to forgive, and to learn.
With that said, let me share what the author has to say about making decisions together.
First, we need each other—we need unity, as each person brings a unique wisdom and perspective. Failing to make decisions together breeds disagreement and disunity, and can eventually lead one of the spouses to feel like there's no room for them. Bitterness creeps in, and value, honor, and respect take a back seat.
Marriage is about being a team- a partnership and when we strive for unification, there is a blessing.
In marriage, couples face many big decisions, from what to buy, to how much to spend, where to vacation, where to live, what church to attend, how best to raise the kids, and when and where to retire—the list goes on and on.
So let's look at some steps that can assist us in the process of deciding together especially in the big decisions; and in full disclosure- I'm going to adjust them a little bit. The author gives us seven steps, but some of them (to me) are overlapping, so I'm going to tweak them a little and bring in Scripture.
Step 1-
1. Take Your Time & Assess the Situation
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind.” ~ 2 Timothy 1:7
Never make big decisions quickly. Take your time to really assess the situation and determine what is going on. Can you see the entire picture, and are you able to assess the different perspectives? Do you have all the facts and know the real motives? Or are you falling prey to wishful thinking or emotions? And never ever allow fear to be your motivator. I can tell you from personal experience that every decision I've ever made from a place of fear I've regretted!
Step 2-
2. Be Still & Pray
“For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth comes knowledge and understanding.” ~Proverbs 2:6
Tune out distractions and tune into God. What does God have to say on the matter? If you ask Him- He will answer. This is a time for you and your spouse to pray over it, sleep on it, and evaluate whether or not you have peace because peace indicates that a wise decision is being made.
Step 3-
3. Communicate with Compassion
"Be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble." ~ 1 Peter 3:8
Communicating with compassion involves actively listening, empathizing, and responding with kindness and respect. Carve out the time to have that intimate conversation where you are sharing and collaborating. This is where you keep defensiveness in check! Because the moment it rears its ugly head, you have a barrier to unity! This is also where you validate feelings & opinions because it’s OK to see things differently. In fact, having differences in opinion is a good thing because you want to examine all sides of an issue. Submit your ideas to one another and validate them. For example- vocalizing- "I'd love to get your thoughts or opinion on this." Validating them would be "I can see your point of view" or "I understand your concern."
But, the one surefire way to start an argument or leave your spouse feeling disregarded is to simply tell them the decision has been made, and this is what we are going to do! This negates the partnership and leaves the spouse feeling helpless because the decision was made, and they weren't consulted and valued.
Step 4-
4. Narrow Your Options
“The naïve believes everything, but the prudent man considers his steps.” ~Proverbs 14:15
Explore your options and narrow them down to the best ones. Have you weighed the possible outcome? Does it honor God and His will for your life, or will it only be self-serving? This is the back-and-forth process where you both try to overcome any differences and if needed find a compromise!
Step 5-
5. Call for Help
“Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end, you will be counted among the wise.” ~Proverbs 19:20
Yes, there will be times when unity is challenged, and you reach an impasse. Take a timeout to cool off and then realize it's OK to dial 911. There is wisdom in Godly counsel because God can partner with others to bring his wisdom and clarity into a situation. Seek advice from someone who has experience and expertise in your issue (if it's financial – seek someone who is an expert in finance- if it's parenting- seek out the person who's successfully raised children. But, above all else, make sure that person walks with the Lord and is impartial- meaning they won't be affected by the decision one way or another!
Your goal is to utilize the best strategy to achieve the best decision that will offer the best outcome for all involved!
Step 6-
6. Take Action
“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.” ~Psalm 9:30
You can’t make a decision or choice without actually making it! Sitting on the fence is still a choice, but it doesn't get you anywhere. God expects action in our lives. Even when the decision is frightening and could be life-altering, God wants you to trust Him and take that leap of faith.
The author stresses two important points that I believe can be crucial in making that final decision- he says, husbands, listen to your wives! Women really do have a sense of things that guys just don't understand. There is such a thing as a woman's intuition, and you need to remember that your wife was given to you by God to be a helper for a reason! Trust that God has given you a good helper and that her intuition may be spot-on.
And wives, trust your husband, especially when it comes to things that involve risk. God made men more risk-takers, which makes some logical sense. If God calls them to be the provider and protector of the home, it stands to reason that God would give them some innate ability to evaluate risks and respond appropriately.
Ultimately, it's about achieving balance and unity and trusting that no matter what decision is made, God is still sovereign and trustworthy!
Step 7-
7. Give Thanks
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~Romans 8:28
Be thankful to God in all things. No matter the decision and no matter the outcome- God is still in control and can use all things for His purpose.
Even if we make the wrong decision—if we've made it together—it can still bring Him glory!
Ladies: Success in life as a couple is the result of making good decisions together. And when the time comes that your husband wants to make a decision that maybe isn't what you want, and you've gone through all the steps, and still you aren't 100% on the same page- may I encourage you to put your faith in action and trust God in your husband, pray for him and his venture, and then go along for the ride. Risk has a funny way of paying off big time, and even if it doesn't- you honor God when you trust HIM to work everything out for your good and His glory!
Remember- we need to be those wise women who build our house!
