You’re Not the Same Anymore (and that's a good thing!)

You didn’t go through all of this to go back.

After everything—church hurt, growth, hard conversations, and choosing not to stay stuck—this episode is about one thing:

We are not the same anymore and if you relate than, You’re not the same anymore, either!

And that’s not something to fix.
It’s something to step into.

We’re talking about what shifts when you grow, what you stop tolerating, what you start valuing, and how refinement changes the way you show up in your faith, your relationships, and your community.

Because “fine” was never God’s best for you.

And going back isn’t the goal.

Moving forward is.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Well, hello, and welcome back to Kinda Preachy. I am Steph Moore, and next to me is Casey Bryant. And she's awake today.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

I am awake today. I had five girls spend the night at my house last night. Five five middle schoolers. And I'm the mom because Faith has been having a harder time finding, making new friends. And you know, we we've lost friends from the ones that she was really close to.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

Sounds like us. It really does. Isn't that sad?

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Middle school is just rough. So anytime she says, Can I have girls spend the night? I always say yes. Yes. And one of the one of the parents reached out to me and and and actually thanked me because her daughter was in the same situation. So I was like, anytime, because I under fully understand. So I had multiple girls at our house and wanted to make sure that they woke up and ate. So I wasn't that parent. That sends them home. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. But yay for me. And then my son, my van's back. So my son made it home. He made it home. He made it home. That's exciting. The only I got a phone call saying, Mom, the car won't start. Oh no. And I said, Did you move the steering wheel? Because the steering wheel is lost.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Oh, yes, that does happen. And he's like, Oh, okay, it's working. It's like great. You know, I remember the first thing that happened to me and I was in full panic. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

Oh, yes, like how you do this. Yeah. And then he said to my he said to Doug, he said, Dad, I now know what it feels like because on the way home, everyone fell asleep. And I was the only one driving. He's like, I watched five movies. And we're like, excuse me. You mean you listened? I I said, just don't tell me things. Don't tell me, don't tell me these things. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

So that was my week. How's your week? Oh. I I actually I did, I don't know why I made that sound. I had a really I had a really fast week. It was busy. Yeah. It was a lot of work. But my mind is like, it's already on vacation. And I have like nine days to go. Not that I'm counting down. Where are you guys going? We're going to Disney. Oh, fine.

unknown 2:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

And it's not like I'm like ready for Disney, as much as I'm just ready to be on vacation.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Same. We leave soon. We leave soon too. And this is my first time not going to a beach. Oh, where are you going? Shenandoah. Oh. My I got, because it's just Faith and Doug and myself for spring break now. I got out voted. I had booked, I booked beach vacation, and then they said we really want to go to a national park and hike.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Not my idea of vacation. No. It's okay. That's all right. I will feel like I'm hiking because I will have well at Disney, yes. Yeah, it'll I I will feel like I need another vacation after it said vacation. But kids are excited. I think we're just excited to like just be in something totally different. Mm-hmm. And my husband loves Disney. People think it's me. It's it's mad. It's mad. Wow. Am I outing him as a Disney adult? I don't think I'm outing him because the man like proudly wears a duck tails t-shirt around locally. Ducktails.

unknown 3:16

Woohoo.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

Yeah. So I don't feel like I'm outing him too bad, but like he there is something that like in like the manic of Disney, like the crowd, like he's just like, it's like his brain can't stress about anything about work anymore. And it's like it it just. Yeah. But if he were to sit at a beach, he would sit and stew and think about work. I think it's just so busy and overwhelming that in a different way it resets his brain.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

None of my children or my husband have ever been to Disney.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

I don't know if you would enjoy it starting now.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

I yes, I don't know. I it would stress me out, but there I do want to give it that to them at least once in our lifetime. So I'm hoping by the time that it happens, most likely my kids will all be married with grandchildren. It'll just be that much more expensive. I know.

SPEAKER_02 4:06

I know. Wow. Oh, well, so well, we we made some big strides this week.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

We we did. We did. So I I think kind of like the theme of the week going, you know, going into this is that we are not the same people who started this podcast. Nope. And that's good because we're not meant to stay where we are. Yes, I agree with that. We have been talking about, you know, like healing and making moves and that kind of stuff. And is anybody ever all the way healed on this side of heaven? No. Probably not. But we also recognize we can't stay where we are. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:42

Well, no, we we don't want to be in the same place.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

No. So that's I mean, honestly, that's been a running theme for how many months that we've had? A long time.

SPEAKER_02 4:50

But I'm sorry, everybody who's sick of it, but it's just the where it's where our life is. But we're okay. We're not gonna talk about where we went, but Casey went to church this week.

SPEAKER_01 5:03

Nine months. I had not stepped into a church, and I stepped into a church for the very first time.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

People were lovely. People were I got hugs because we right well, you know, I think anywhere you live, it's a small town, even if it's a big town. True, true. And we both ran into somebody right away, which was lovely.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

It was lovely, like that kind of reception, even though I joked last week, like, just let me go in and not see anybody. And I think God said to me, Oh, just wait and see. You're gonna see somebody. And and I did, and I received a very lovely hug, very, very warm, open welcome. It was very nice. It was so as I was walking away. I heard them say, Oh, that was the pastor at my last church. And I'm like, Oh shit.

SPEAKER_00 5:50

When I walked in, she's like, How long have you been going here? And I was like, Oh, this is my first week. And she like starts flagging, like, this is her first week, get her a packet.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

I thought the first week, but I kind of just don't give me, don't give me the packet.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

And I was like, it's like the biggest flyer you've ever seen.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Like it was huge. That thing was like a beacon of like, I'm brand new. I'm brand new. It was yes, I get which makes it easy for someone to spot you and be like, oh, you're welcome.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

I get it. I'm not hating on it whatsoever.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

No, because even when we walked into the the the auditorium sanctuary, whatever you want to call it, we were greeted immediately by someone saying, Hey, can I help you have find a seat? Because it wasn't even that that was packed, but that was very nice. Yeah. Because we said, Well, this is where we normally like to to sit. He's like, Okay, let me let me usher you, which is great.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

Uh yeah, ushering was great, music was wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 6:43

I cried.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

Yeah. Well, can I tell? Okay, so when you walked in, I was already in near like where, like, I don't know the right terms, but I was I was approaching coffee. Yes. And so you kind of came in, we were gonna get coffee together, and you walked in, and there was a lightness about you that I will say. You came in, I said, You look great, and you kind of did like a little like performative dance for me. Oh, did I? You you really did, and I was like, I have not seen this version of you in a long time. Honestly, in years. Yeah, yeah. Because things were just so heavy for you. The weight of the responsibility of some things really took a it took a toll on just your levity of how are you able to carry things.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

I think you were it was very walking, it was overwhelming. Walking into a church. Yeah. Walking into a church, walking into a church where I right away knew people was amazing and also very overwhelming. Uh and it was freeing because I was like, okay, you know, I this is I God wants me into a church. So here I am, and I think, you know, even my husband said to me when I came home, he's like, hun, he's like, babe, I'm so proud of you.

unknown 8:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

I was like, oh yeah. So to say to to notice that that lightness from you.

SPEAKER_00 8:16

I noticed it I like almost, yeah. When you walked in, it was like I think it just spoke so much to what we have talked about. Like we don't want to be isolated.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

But it it felt easier. But I think in moving towards something else, even though I think we both agreed, like, probably isn't the right spot.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

Probably isn't the right spot. Man, worship was freaking amazing. And when I say eyeballed, eyeballed, because it was the first the song that they sang, clearly, I mean, it I think it was meant for me, whether we attend that church or revisit it or not, it was very clearly, I think, God saying, like, you this is where you're supposed to be. Like you're supposed to be with me hearing worship with other people. And it was so overwhelming to worship again. And I sang, I didn't lift my hands, I didn't do anything. I just stood there and soaked it all in and cried.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

There is something, yeah. Yeah, I I just I just think it's it's a I'm stumbling on my words here because there is something about where we've talked about feeling isolated or that's things being easier, and then watching you struggle in this isolation and almost like there's almost been a little bit of me who's watched you tell yourself I'm more comfortable alone. Yeah. You don't know if I really am. I don't know. I think there has been a comfort. I think there's been weights lifted. Yeah. I think there has been healing happening, but I have heard you in my mind almost try and convince yourself that like I'm okay not doing this.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

Because that's true. I mean, I I have said from the very beginning that I'm still I still have a relationship with God. I'm still reading my Bible every day. I don't need to go to church. And in that moment of walking in and listening to worship, it was very clear of me understanding that I have to be in a church. And even Doug saying to me, he like he's very proud of me, and he also said, I've been thinking about this for a while. Like, we need to find, find a church. And I'm like, well, Stephanie and I are we're doing recon.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

And I I you know, one of the things that somebody said to me was, why are we not bringing our families right away? That's a great question. And I actually thought it was a great question. And I think we didn't really have a discussion about it, but I think we were probably both on the same page of I think transitioning your family anywhere is hard. I think it's okay to just kind of feel the waters of things um before we bring other people. And I have been so clear listen, we have both been so clear on the we're not sure where we're gonna end up. Yeah. And I don't even know if I I'm happy to look at other things. I'm also happy to stay where I am. Yes, and you are happy to look for things, acknowledging you might end back where you were.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

I I it's a process, and I think God is very willingly saying you need to go on this journey because you need to find what makes sense for you and your family. And and and it makes sense. Why one reason why I'm kind of starting off by myself is because it's how I started in the very first time. It was by myself. I went to church by myself for six months before Doug finally came. And he, if we said, if we said to our if our families, like, hey, let's go, they would 100% go at heartbeat. And and for Easter, we are we gotta figure out which one we're gonna go to. We are going to go to church. I just gotta figure out. Because we, even though it hits on spring break, we're not leaving for for the national park until Monday.

SPEAKER_02 12:19

So we're gonna go somewhere. I just don't, I don't know where. I'll be gone on Easter.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

I I owe it. It just it happens. I mean, it just happens. Easter happens to fall on on spring break this year. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, and this year it happened. We just aren't. Yeah. And I jokingly, yeah, no, that doesn't matter. I'm gonna go past that. But I it's it's hard. I I people probably ask us, why won't you go back there if worship was so good and everything was so amazing. Oh and you felt so comfortable and so warm.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

And oh, I think people were yes, people were great, worship was great. I had some red flags. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

I I okay, so I'm going to say you had some red flags, and then I'm going to share a red flag, and then we have to cut it, we'll cut it.

SPEAKER_00 13:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Because this is not about I we just want to be so super clear and up front because not all of our listeners are in live in this area. True. But many do. Many do. And if that is the right place for you, then I am rejoicing that you have found your people. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 13:42

I agree with that. You found your people, you found where you can hear. And you're growing. Yes, you from from God. Very clear.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

That's I that I want to find the place that I have my people and that I grow. Yes. So, okay, say it.

unknown 13:54

I'm not.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

I I I yeah. I was okay with everything and willing to give it a couple tries because we always say that, like, you cannot. We talked about it last week. We we did. Like, you need to go three to four times to understand if you fully if you fully like a church or not. At the end of service, it was said that hey, this is so-and-so running for so-and-so political seat. They introduced a politician. And I'm not telling you who you should vote for, but this is one of our good friends. And if you want to meet him and his family in the lobby, please do. And when that was the very last thing that was said. And I looked at you and I said, I know. My mouth was agh. I said WTF. You did, but you actually used the full. I did. Well, I'm trying to be good. Because I I have ne and I know that actually happens a lot because I was talking to Doug about it. He's like, that's he's like, it shouldn't be, but that's very, very common. And I'm like, I have never experienced that.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

The problem is that when I heard that, I almost immediately forgot about everything else. Yes. It's like the entire message went out of my brain. I was shocked. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

I I shocked. I still I I mean, we were texting this whole week. I'm still flabbergasted that that I that that happened.

unknown 15:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

And but maybe that is common. I don't know. That was just my very first time there. I don't know. That was, and that was a that you know, you remember what happened in the beginning, you remember what happened in the end, and and what happened at the very end.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

It totally just it made it hard to yeah, it uh it just made it hard to to say like we would give that one another go. Not to say I wouldn't in the future, maybe. I I don't know. As of now, I as of now we we as of now I feel like okay, we'll move on to something else on our list.

SPEAKER_01 16:08

Yeah, and and we are so because we were filming this on Saturday morning, you know, we we decided we're trying somewhere new. It's new to you. It's new to me. I I so far everywhere, well, both of us, it was new to yesterday, was both of our last week was very new to us. Neither one of us have have been there. And this week it's somewhere that you've been and I've never been.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

Yes, but I haven't been there in many years.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

Yeah, so I'm excited. But I worked there for 10 years. Well, you just call that where we're going.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

So I I despite the end of what happened at service, yeah, man, I was so grateful to walk in those doors. Yes. And I this is very personal to this is okay, so I'm gonna kind of go on the the spiritual warfare kind of a thing right now because for the first time in I can't even tell you since Doug and I first got married, our bank account. We woke up to a negative bank account. Oh and I was like, I was sitting there thinking, I'm like, I what? Doug's like, what I don't understand what's going on. This isn't this this has not happened to us. And I jokingly said, well, it's because I walked into a church and Satan's like, oh, because he knows how to get to me. It's always money, money and money in my family, my kids. My well, actually, my my marriage. And I was like, oh, Satan's pissed. Cause I think he was thinking, well, she says she's listening to Jesus. She says she's listening to the Bible, but she's not going to church, so we're not gonna. But the minute I walked into a church, I'm like, man, that's what for me. Whether you believe in spiritual warfare or not, I was like, gosh, okay, here we go.

SPEAKER_00 18:00

Here we go. But you know what I I like about what you just said, not that that you had to experience that, but you recognize that this may have been coinciding with it. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

But it's not stopping you. No, I mean we're still gonna we're still gonna go. I I fully believe, you know, it's why you have savings, it's why you're able to to do the things that you need to do. And I fully believe that God is like, just continue to trust me. You know, I also still told Doug, I'm like, you I took an over$20,000 pay cut, which really, really sucks, but it's was the right for us, and we were everything was fine until I decided to step into a church. And it's not that's not the reason. That's not the reason. That's not 100% not the reason. I just, you know, sometimes, you know, when you try and you move forward towards towards God and you make big moves, sometimes things can happen where it makes you pause and be like, well, I guess I'm not supposed to.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Listen, spiritual warfare always hits where it thinks you're comfortable, it always attacks your comfort comfortability, it always attacks where you want to feel most safe and secure.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

Yeah. And we made a big move. I made a big move for the first time in nine months. And I think, you know, it could stop me and say, well, not worth it. But that is not what God said. So I want to continue.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Well, uh yeah. So I yeah, I just I w Gosh, I I don't even know how to explain, but when I saw you walk in, I was wow. I'm like, there's like it was almost like you were sparkling in some way, shape, or form. And it was reminiscent to me first meeting you. Oh. Of when I was very bubbly. Bubbly and there was a vibrancy in you that I just I haven't seen in a while. And that's so funny that Doug recognized it the same way that I did.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

So I'm excited. I'm I'm excited to see to continue this journey. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:16

And to see all these other different churches that we're gonna go to. And okay, so I think just kind of, you know, in kind of transitioning out, not just visiting new churches, but you know, so when you go through hard things, yeah. You don't I I think there's a little piece of like if you've been hurt, there's a piece of healing that is like, I just want to go back to high thought before.

SPEAKER_02 20:33

Yeah, there there is. But that's not what healing's for. You're not supposed to go backwards.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

No, you're supposed to go forwards. And and part of it is recognizing all the all the things. And and and I think we probably had the reaction we had at the end of church is because I never attended a, you know, I've been going to church for over 18 years now. And so I have, you know, things that I want to see and want to do. And and for the most part, man, it was awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I agree. I just rambled on. Let's transition.

SPEAKER_00 21:13

Well, I think what's interesting. Okay, so I I yeah, it's you know, obviously, like we're seeing things shift in our own lives. Yeah. And I also think I've never not been a part of a church. Not as a kid, not as an adult, not of any of these things. However, I think what I need now is different than maybe what I was looking for when I was that's a great point, yeah. Finding my first church in adulthood.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Yes. Cause when when I went, I was late 20s. Yeah. Now I'm late forties. Yes. So I'm a totally, totally different person.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

Yeah. And I think I was looking for, you know, a kids' ministry and you know, and not that I those aren't important things right now, but and like where I am right now, it just isn't. I'm I'm clearly not the same person.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Yeah, and I don't want to go to a church where it's all old people.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Yeah, that's why I think I said last week like intergenerational like means a lot to me. I want to see youth. I want to see I want to see people who are older than me and I want to see people who are in the same stage of life as me because I want to be able to pour into the next generation and I want the generation above me to pour into me. Yeah. That's incredibly important to me. And I would love if I walked into it, and not everybody looked exactly like me.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

It's yes, I agree. I agree. And that when we're gonna we're gonna try.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

Yeah. Well, yeah, it we keep going. But yeah, I just think what's interesting is the kind of like we're, you know, basing not just about like finding new things, but there are things that we have tolerated in the past that we're not gonna tolerate now. I agree with that. I maybe that's something you're 40s and beyond because I've always heard people, you know, they say when you get to midlife, it's just like there's just things that like you can't, I mean, is tolerate the right word. Maybe.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

There's just there's just things you're not gonna mess around with anymore. Yeah, and and any church you go to, you're not gonna agree with everything. No. It's impossible.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

I'm not even saying about church. I'm just saying in life. In life.

SPEAKER_03 23:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:12

Because while church may be the transition thing we're talking about right now, that is not what it is. Everybody's right now. Yeah. But I guarantee you, I don't know anybody in their 40s and 50s right now, or maybe if you've already lived this angle and beyond, that you're like, yeah, I'm just not gonna, I'm just not gonna deal with some stuff anymore.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

Because we don't have to.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

No. And I put up with a lot of stuff in my early adulthood that I didn't know I could say no to.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

Isn't it nice saying no?

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Love it. So anyway, so I just feel like you know, we're kind of leaning into things. We're we're not gonna tolerate things that feel off. I agree. I mean, I think we will still try our best to be solution-minded for things. But in this stage of like finding new places, specifically with us, with like the church part, there are things that you know we won't we won't lean too hard into if we get the if we get, you know, an ick.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

And and once again, that that's our feelings. Because there's people who will who will go to to this particular church and and for the first time and be like, man, I'm all in. I love it. And I love that for for them. But we said this, like, I think sometimes God puts us on journeys to to show us what's not right for us.

SPEAKER_00 24:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 24:37

For for me, Casey Bryant, personally.

SPEAKER_00 24:39

But yeah, but I even think about people at our age who are switching careers or they have which I have seen that happen so many.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

I know so many people my age that right now are like, which it seems crazy because you've and uh And I and I think similar, some of them are in the same bit where I am, or responsibility and they're out. And actually I had the conversation with somebody who was like, I took a less paying job because I was leading a whole entire team and I don't want to and I do not want to lead a team anymore. So I was willing to take the pay cut for the less stress.

SPEAKER_00 25:13

I'm like, I hear ya. So I mean, my husband has been working two full-time jobs. Yes, he has um for a long time. For for three years, and he was contracted to do it for three years. He had an assistant, you know, all of all of the things. So it's not like he's had like the the bulk of the total weight, but he has had the responsibility of decisions for two full-time jobs. And he switches back to one in I think July 1st.

SPEAKER_01 25:41

Oh, how excited is he?

SPEAKER_00 25:51

Not as excited for the pay cut that's coming with us.

SPEAKER_02 25:54

I know, gosh, I know.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

I don't want to talk, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:58

But it's a worry. It it it happened to us. It happened to us for the first time this week where it was we yeah. Boo. Boo, I know.

SPEAKER_00 26:08

But rebudgeting is that word, but it's so important. I know, we're in it. But uh what I'm saying is just I just I think there's a this is a time, a season in your life where you have to evaluate what the next the next half looks like. Yeah. And I don't know, I don't I don't think it's a unique I mean whether you oh yeah, we're talking about like finding the right place in church, but I mean like I I think this applies anywhere, like whether you're finding trying the right career position or the right friend group, you know, yeah, or just kind of settling into like what the transition looks like because you're your your responsibilities change.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Your responsibilities and how you see things. So you're evaluating everything. Is this going to help me? Is this going to hurt me? Is this going to bring more stress to my life? And you can do that with everything, with friend groups, all you know, jobs, everything. I think as we get older, well, for me, as as I get older, I don't want necessarily the big responsibility for the job anymore, maybe if it if it's the right job and and we'll see. But I with older kids and kids growing up, you're like, oh, my responsibilities and my need to be focused on them still. Because I as parents of a of adult kids or older kids realize that it doesn't get easier as they get older. Your stress level definitely doesn't go away. It increases as they're driving thousands of miles to Florida in your car and hoping that they come home safely.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

Yeah. But I think, you know, like kind of just going back to where we were of just kind of like what things look like for the next parts. I think I am looking for honesty over image. Oh. It's not about titles.

SPEAKER_01 28:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:06

Oh, I like that.

SPEAKER_01 28:06

It's not about gosh, because that's so true, because we get so focused on titles.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

I yeah. I had a conversation with my boss recently, and it was I it was a casual conversation. Let me just put it this way. Yeah. But what flew out of my mouth was really honest. Oh. And he kind of looked at me like, ooh, but I said, I've never been in a place where I can't move up. Oh, interesting. I've never been in a place where I didn't have a circle of influence of some sort of, you know, like leadership, you know, like even in volunteer roles. It's like it's or I just it honestly, everything I've really ever been in, I just kind of like I'm an all-in-person. There's opportunities to grow other things to be bigger. Yeah. And right now I'm in a place in my job that like I don't have that. I'm in the same spot. There is nowhere for me to go. No, there's nowhere for me to go. And and there's and there's it's comfortable. Like, I'm not bringing home stress, which is amazing. Yes. But also I I in the things that like I have poured everything into, like, other than in parenting right now, that's like the only influence I have on watching my adult child like need less of that, which I don't know. So I I guess in that, way more stress. Yes. So I just I jotted down like honesty over image because I think in my younger years, I was chasing goals. I was chasing what the next house looked like. I was chasing like the dream car. I was chasing a title of what I might be of a job. Yeah. Whether it looked like ministry or not ministry, you know what I mean? Like I wanted an author next to my name. I wanted Say, I wanted a I wanted to be a good one. There's these titles that I had, like I just have a book by now. Yeah, there's just, yeah, there's things that you thought. And I think I would, even if it's just spilling my guts here on this podcast, this feels more authentic to who I am and where I need to be right now, rather than chasing dreams of clout. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:16

And it's interesting because we were just talking about this before, is I got an invite to to a conference to come watch. And I said to you, I'm like, okay, great, I love that. However, I don't know why I'm getting because I have zero influence anymore. Like where where of my title, of what of what I was doing, of you know, of in the community, like it I have in that aspect, I have zero recognition or influence.

SPEAKER_00 30:45

So I think it's interesting that, you know, so I'm always the recognition, the influence that like we thought we needed.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:54

I just feel like God's shifting something and you're like, it was never about any of that stuff.

SPEAKER_01 30:58

I I guess.

SPEAKER_00 31:00

Which I just I don't know. It's hard because like, you know, you we feel like you're working, working, working towards things to all of a sudden be like, oh, I I'm not saying I'm content, you know, but I am saying like the things that like I thought I was working towards feel very different than the goals I have now. Yeah. You know, I just I don't know. And as far as like I I want growth. Always, but I don't, I am less looking for a hype.

SPEAKER_01 31:29

Oh, explain.

SPEAKER_00 31:33

And I can think I told you this, like, uh maybe we just touched on it last week, and I was talking about like what I'm looking for in like a church, what I'm looking for in relationship circles, what I'm looking for in friendships, when I'm even what I'm looking for in just my general relationships, I'm not looking for someone to just hype me up.

SPEAKER_01 31:50

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

Yeah. I I want growth, but I I'm almost okay with it being the gritty growth, you know, like not just telling me something that I like. I love when people give me feedback. Yes. You know, I generally take it pretty well. But there was uh somebody gave me feedback about the podcast. Oh and it wasn't favorable. Oh it happened. But I was like, but you know what? I was like, I needed to hear that. Great. Because a pivot needed to happen. Yeah. And but it was ten years ago, Stephanie, if you would have told her something like, I don't like the way you're doing something, or I think you could have done it better. I'm telling you ten years ago, Stephanie could not have handled constructive criticism the way that I can now.

SPEAKER_01 32:46

Meaning that would you would have defended, gone off right away, or would you have stewed and plotted?

SPEAKER_00 32:54

I would have stewed.

SPEAKER_01 32:55

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 32:57

I I think I would I eventually I would have come probably come around to their advice, but after I had been like, how dare them say that to me.

SPEAKER_01 33:06

They don't know all of the stuff that goes into this. Probably it is. Probably. Do you have your own podcast? You're not doing anything.

SPEAKER_00 33:14

But of course I didn't have a podcast. But I mean, like anything that I would have done in that point, if somebody would have given me like, hey, hey, would you thought about doing this? Like, you think I didn't consider that? Yeah, I would have probably just been immediately defensive. Of course. And I've now I'm not in that place of I don't, I'm not defending a title. I'm not defending I'm just trying to be the best version of me. I'm I'm trying to follow Jesus. I'm trying to find the things that I do that bring him glory, and I'm trying to shake off the parts of me that want to do it for myself.

SPEAKER_01 33:47

And even this for us, it's just fun. It is fun. So whether it's right or wrong, or we're doing it right, or we're doing it wrong, we're having fun doing it.

SPEAKER_00 34:00

Yeah, I probably don't want to listen to some old episodes though. Already. I know, but a lot of people are going back and listening to the gosh. I I am floored. The biggest episodes that we have had are ones that have been extremely vulnerable and raw. And it's funny because it's like the older episodes have way more because they people find it from the beginning and those build and they're not caught up to where we are now. Oh, hilarious. So it is interesting where I can find where some friends are at in it.

SPEAKER_01 34:30

But I would say that with anything that you start, like you go back and you're like, ooh, that was rough.

SPEAKER_02 34:38

And it hasn't even been that long.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

I know, but it's it's so true. I mean, I go back to some of my older my first articles that I ever wrote, and I'm like, ooh, which you know, 12, 13 years ago when I was writing, I was like, man, seriously, that's that's that's what I wrote, and it did well, but okay.

SPEAKER_00 34:56

And I would also say the other thing right now, and just kind of like this, like in this season of where there has been some things healed, and I think like the beginning of like this hasn't really been a series, but I mean like we've kind of like built on an arc of like we want to be we want to be refined.

SPEAKER_01 35:13

Yeah, we want to take the moves, we want to step out.

SPEAKER_00 35:18

In that, one of the ways of I feel like God's refining me is I've always said I'm an all-in person. Yes, always but there's a piece of me that like all in doesn't want to look like overcommitment and overextending myself anymore, which is actually like I think all in for you is saying no.

SPEAKER_01 35:38

Yeah, it is. Which is really hard for you.

SPEAKER_00 35:42

Tremendously.

SPEAKER_01 35:43

And all in for me is saying yes. Because I've been saying no in my little your little cocoon. My little, you know, introverted, don't want to go out cocoon. Yeah. So now it's interesting because we're coming into that happy medium between the both of us, of where you're saying no to things and I'm saying yes, and we're actually meeting each other in the middle. I it's a fun journey to be on with somebody. It really is. And I I'm enjoying it, and I would, you know, I'm grateful that it's not with my husband because of we we know each other, you know, when you've been married for so long, we know each other so well that to have outside opinions, even though you know me, you know me well, but to be able to to have those other insights.

SPEAKER_00 36:37

They're insights because we don't have, I mean, we like we don't have a total shared history. Yeah. So I think there's insights you can see glean off of someone.

SPEAKER_01 36:47

Especially with you with your experience, uh not experience, but you've been you've been in church your whole entire life where I haven't. So I only know one type of church. Yeah. And so to have your you standing next to me, because same with Doug, like he only knows one type of church. And so I think it's great just to have someone who can balance me who can who can question my like what I'm seeing or what I'm saying, or like, hey, do you agree? And and we don't agree on everything. No. Actually, we don't agree on a lot of things, but that's what I love. I mean, we agree with Jesus and who Jesus is, and we love Jesus. But I mean, there's so much of our lives that we uh we just do things differently. Which I freaking love that.

SPEAKER_00 37:30

But I and I think that's the part about I think what you know, and the kind of like the seeking of community. Like I don't need I don't need so I don't need community to look exactly like me. I actually really prefer that it doesn't. Yes. I'm looking for things that like you can experience growth, but I, you know, to experience growth, there has to be challenge.

SPEAKER_01 37:48

Yeah. And you have to have somebody who's willing to challenge you in a healthy way.

SPEAKER_00 37:52

Yes. Yeah, yeah. I'm glad that you added that because there are people who do it and they and I probably have been challenged in ways before that I thought growth looked like I just need to be beat up a little.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

Okay. I don't know how to respond to that.

SPEAKER_00 38:11

I was really good at taking insults. I was really good about taking blame. I just I was really good about taking ownership of things that I didn't have ownership of. So if I thought it was gonna make things better. Oh, insane. If they're I do work just to make the friendships to make things pee. Yeah. I I could take insults and not just to make it stop. Hold on. And I should probably even just say like insults, because I think maybe they weren't maybe directed that way, but they were received that way. Yeah. And sometimes they are that way, but they didn't realize that those what that's what it was. But I in in jobs and friendships and just many, many things. I was more likely to just take the brunt of whatever it was if it helped something move on.

SPEAKER_01 38:58

Yes. Always the first one to apologize. Like, okay, might not have been my fault, but okay, great. You're you're saying it's my fault, my fault, my bad. Let's move on, figure out what we need to do.

SPEAKER_00 39:10

I I well, I told I I just briefly said I had a I had a thing with a friend a few weeks ago and it was rough. And without going into like what it was about, but there was a a thing of she was going through something I was listening. Yeah. I spoke into something that I probably could have used more tact.

SPEAKER_01 39:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 39:40

And I probably could have maybe just listened and not said anything at all. Okay. So that's just that's just kind of the background. I mean, that's sometimes so hard to discern.

SPEAKER_02 39:51

I know.

SPEAKER_00 39:52

And in the moment I I I didn't do it well. I don't think I I it wasn't bad. And here's the thing is what I said was not bad. It's just I didn't perceive it in the moment of how it could be received. Okay. Okay. And one of the things that she came back at me with was like, why can't you just say you're sorry? Oh. And and I want to be so clear, I'm glad that it was the way that it was. It was because I needed to kind of fight within my own self of why I didn't want to immediately glaze over this. Yeah. Because in that moment, what I said wasn't what needed an apology. Yeah. I feel like our friendship, as deep as it is, will be better now because we had a chance to talk about not only like where we were at that moment, but also we're we were working off terms of our friendship for 20 plus years. Oh gosh, yes. And we are in different places and spaces right now. Yeah. Where she has always been in a really bold I can handle everything, and she's in a more tender place in her life right now. And I needed to be aware of like as tough as I know she is, like it wasn't in a moment that she needed tough love.

SPEAKER_01 41:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:15

And I was in a place of wow, I have been in a really sensitive place before. And I needed to do a better job of recognizing that. Because so we weren't necessarily in the same place. All that to say was when I talk about I I don't like the way that that happened. However, I'm glad that it happened because I think we are going to be better friends moving forward. But it was one of the very first times ever that I was like there was something in me of I don't want to apologize in glazo for this just to move on.

SPEAKER_01 41:57

Because what you said was the words were were were true.

SPEAKER_00 42:03

The words that I was responding to were that. But the delivery probably wasn't the best.

SPEAKER_01 42:10

It wasn't the best because I I wasn't delivering it to the way that I normally if they would have come to you, somebody would have come to you in the past and said, Hey, why aren't you apologizing for this? You would have been like, Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you you took it that way. That's not what I meant.

SPEAKER_00 42:22

And this time you were like, I'm not going, I'm not going to I and I don't even want to focus so much on was it was I right, was I wrong, or on on either side of that. Because I think we both realized, oh, I think we were functioning on the rules of something of 20 years ago that we had based. And we're now different people. And we're now we're different people.

SPEAKER_01 42:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:40

And I think it's okay that we change how we how we communicate. Yeah. And in that it was like, okay, well, and we're both overthinkers.

SPEAKER_01 42:50

Oh, yeah. I think that's that's very typical for for women though, too.

SPEAKER_00 42:53

So we ruminate. So we don't always think of it in the moment because I was like, hey, you know, if you're having that thought, like I need you to tell me right away. And she's like, but I won't know till three days later.

SPEAKER_01 43:02

I the I I mean, I'm the same way. I'm such a processor. And then I come up on my way home. I'm like, oh my gosh, if I would have said this, I had to come up with all of these great points of how I could have won the argument.

SPEAKER_00 43:14

And it wasn't really an argument. Yeah, and for us, yes. But for us, I mean, like, this wasn't really even an argument, but it was funny because we went a little over a week without talking. And she had gone way down the rabbit hole. Rabbit hole of one way, and I went way down the rabbit hole another way. And we were honestly having very separate arguments at that point. And it wasn't even an I argument's not even the right word. We were having very separate feelings of what we thought the other person was feeling. Oh. So we were combating things that weren't even the issue with the other person.

SPEAKER_02 43:48

Isn't that wild? That's because but we do that with everything.

SPEAKER_01 43:52

I know, I know. I mean, text messages are the worst where we read something and we just because you can't tell tone or anything. With with text messages, and then we'll just stew on them. Like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that was said to me. And then they're like, What are you talking about? I'm like, whoops.

SPEAKER_00 44:09

Yeah. Well, you know, all that is to say, I want to focus on if my circles are smaller, it's okay. I just want them to be stronger.

SPEAKER_01 44:20

Ooh, I like that.

SPEAKER_00 44:22

And moving kind of in the like new directions of things. How do we show up differently now that we know we're on healing paths? I want to be more intentional. I want to be more honest. Yes. Which is really kind of funny because I feel like I'm really a vulnerable and authentic person. You get my raw, unfiltered, like most of the time. However, I feel like I've been more raw and unfiltered to how I feel about other things and less raw and unfiltered about how I feel about me and my particular needs.

SPEAKER_02 44:59

Which you may not gather that from that because you're like, yeah, you've been pretty raw, pretty raw, pretty open, pretty honest on all your feels. Yeah, lots of feels.

SPEAKER_00 45:09

Yeah. I think, but you are stepping into moving forward, and I am not hiding in productivity. Yes. Which that's, I don't know. It's a, it's, it's weird. I've been an overfunctioner for a very long time.

SPEAKER_01 45:25

You yes, you have been. And we, I mean, that we've been talking about that since episode one, where, you know, I think it's been very clear for you that God is saying that for for you for to be more productive is you need to take a step back.

SPEAKER_00 45:40

I know, I know. And I'm still working on like what do those things look like? What a stepping back look like. Yeah. And I do think part of what we're doing right now is examining other places in life and seeing if there's other systems that we're supposed to be a part of. There's new relationships to be formed in new places. Yeah. Which in one way feels harder. But in other ways, it feels like maybe it relieves other things, you know. I don't know.

unknown 46:07

I don't.

SPEAKER_00 46:09

So uh yeah, I think all that to say is I think in this refinement just changes how we show up to things.

SPEAKER_01 46:17

Yeah. I I I can't really add to that. I agree.

SPEAKER_00 46:21

I don't know. And I just think that's wherever you are. I think it's wherever you are. I mean, we can talk about the examples of our own life. We hope you resonate with some of it. And it doesn't need to be in the same place. But I think when you are in places of healing, when you have allowed God to refine, if you've walked through fire for refinement in any area of your life, how you come out of that, it's probably gonna be a little bit clearer, a little bit sharper. There's going to be a reflection on it of him that is different than when you tried to sharpen yourself, yours like yourself. Yes. On your own. On your own. So I I think, you know, when you look, you know, like, I don't know, I've probably seen videos of this, but I mean, like, when you try and like carve something out on your own. Let's say you're carving out some sort of a weapon. I don't know why anybody would do that, but let's say we're carving out a weapon. Okay. If you're trying to carve something on your own, uh, stone, wood, whatever material you're using, you can only do so much. Yeah. Until it goes through a refinement process.

SPEAKER_01 47:29

Okay. I see what you're saying.

SPEAKER_00 47:31

You wouldn't nothing that I can build will ever have the reflection that refinement brings. Yeah. And the reflection is not, you know, the finishing is what Jesus can do. We can't do that on our own. No. Yeah, I can sharpen things. I iron sharpens iron. I mean, like we can sharpen uh one another, but that's it's not the same thing as like letting him in and being like, you get to mold this. Yeah. You get to decide what next day on here and what gets smoothed out.

SPEAKER_01 48:06

I would say all of the Nicks stay, they just get, as you say, more refined and they help us to grow into stronger people. Yeah. More wiser people. Yeah. More wiser.

SPEAKER_00 48:20

But I think I I guess, you know, where I have stayed is, you know, I think I've just deepened some of those nicks on my own trying to fix it.

SPEAKER_01 48:28

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_02 48:29

Because that's what we do. And I don't want to do that anymore. No.

SPEAKER_00 48:34

Until next week where I have a setback. I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_01 48:38

We're gonna do well, I mean, and in order to refine them, you have to take bold moves and bold moves that you believe that God is calling you to.

SPEAKER_00 48:46

Yeah. Well, we're not perfect. No. But I do think we're closer to being intentional. Mm-hmm. And less afraid of taking some next steps.

SPEAKER_01 49:03

Yeah. As scary as I thought walking into church was going to be, there was a huge relief of stepping into a church and realizing, oh, okay, I'm I'm meant to be in a in a place. I'm meant to be in a church.

SPEAKER_00 49:24

Yeah. So I think whether you're changing or you feel changed. Yes. And I would say this is not even just about you and I, but I would say for anyone, like, what are the things you can't ignore anymore that need to show up differently now that you know there's a change?

SPEAKER_01 49:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:42

So I'll leave that question with you guys who are listening. You know, like if you know that things need to be changed or you have felt changed or there's been a shift, what are things that you can't ignore anymore and that you know you need to show up in different circles and situations? How do you do it differently now? Like what what are the things you can't ignore anymore? I just think there are those are valid questions. And if you're not asking yourself those things, then maybe you're not as changed as you thought. Yeah. So, and also I think you're constantly in that that space of being changed. That's it's not a we've done it all. We've signed it. No. End of the podcast. We're done.

SPEAKER_01 50:23

Because it's not it will forever be.

SPEAKER_02 50:29

Yeah, we're just gonna keep showing up and asking God what what does he have for us? What do you have for us? Yeah, and where do you want us to go?

SPEAKER_00 50:38

All right, have a great week, everyone.