The In Between Phase No One Talks About (and why I was ‘white as a sheep’)

There’s a phase no one really talks about…

Where you’re not who you used to be anymore, but you’re not fully the person you’re becoming yet.

In this episode, I talk about that in between phase, why it can feel uncomfortable even when things are going well, and what it actually means to become someone new.

Plus a slightly chaotic life update explaining why I was 'white as a sheep' (apparently it's sheet... who knew)

If you feel like you’re in that weird middle ground where things are changing but don’t quite feel like the new you yet… this ones for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Ambitiously Chaotic, the podcast of a 30-something woman figuring out life as she rebuilds herself whilst growing a business. So there's a phase that I don't think people talk enough about where you're not quite who you used to be anymore, but you're also not fully the person you're becoming yet. And it's usually, usually somewhere in your 30s, the messy middle, right? But it's this really weird in-between phase where things are moving, things are working, you feel happy, you feel aligned, you feel better, you feel calmer. All of these positive things, but at the same time, because it feels unfamiliar, that little little bitch of a voice, self-doubt, creeps in. And it's because you've never been this version of yourself before. You don't fully recognize yourself yet. We brought new clients into the team, we obviously rebranded. Um, I had my birthday, I am just feeling genuinely so happy and calm, and got lots of exciting things in the pipeline work-wise as well. But there's still this little voice in my head that's like, should I be doing more? You know, am I good enough for this? Like, am I capable? You know, like this little voice that is just so not welcome. But it's not because anything's wrong, because things are really great, it's because I'm becoming someone I've never been before and moving at a pace that is also really unfamiliar for me. It's all very new territory. And this is what I want to speak about today because often it's not just about doing the right things, it's actually about becoming the person who does those things, and that can feel pretty uncomfortable at times. So, firstly, the messy middle, right? That was the I think the first episode that I recorded for this podcast. It's a thing, and I'm loving the fact that more and more people are starting to talk about it because I genuinely don't think enough people do talk about it. So the fact that I've been seeing the phrase the messy middle and people opening up more, usually women in their 30s, like talking about how they feel and how they feel this internal pressure to have everything figured out, and they just feel in this weird kind of in-between phase. I find it so comforting, and that's why I want to speak about it today because I know more and more people are feeling it and opening up about it and not feeling ashamed, you know, like that it's okay to not have things figured out, it's okay to not be where you thought you were gonna be, and you know, still finding your way no matter what age you are, whether it's your 30s or 40s or 50s, you know. Like, who says that by a certain age you have to have achieved X, Y, and Z and have your whole life figured out? Nobody, you know. Um, but I I do think it's it's a weird feeling when you're you're not who you once were, but you're not quite who you you're becoming yet. And I I feel like I'm I'm like really close. I maybe I am her yet, I don't know, like but I feel really close, like more close than ever to this new version of me. And it's it's so weird because like things are going so well, like you know, I've obviously got a new partner, I'm so happy, like the business is building, I've got exciting projects in the pipeline, like all of these great things happening. But it's just weird how this little voice creeps in in your head, and it's like that self-doubt, you know, and it's it's it comes into question, you know, can I do this? Should I be doing more? I think for me it's because the pace I'm moving at is a lot slower than what I'm used to, but it's also the most aligned place I've ever been, and the most aligned pace that I've ever worked at. Like, I feel so aligned with everything, I'm not in that like hustle mentality anymore. I still work incredibly hard, but I just will not burn myself to the ground and burn my energy out. Like, I just I just will not, I'm not in that mentality anymore. And that is very unfamiliar territory for me because old Dai would have been working like 12 hour days over the weekends, you know, saying no to social occasions, doing X, Y, and Z. Whereas now I'm like, I am living, I am building this business, I am living, I am having so much fun, and it's it's so nice, but it feels so weird. It feels so weird, and I think it's so strange. Like even when things are going well, we have that little voice in our head that just creeps in and likes to try and protect us. That's all it's trying to do, is try and protect us from I don't know, feeling a certain way. It's it's just it's normal, right? Our subconscious' job is to protect us, right? Um so yeah, I think it's it's not that things I think if you feel like that, it's not that things aren't right or things aren't working, or you know, like I think questioning yourself is normal. But I feel like when you're in this phase, it's actually a sign that things are working and are aligned, but it's just in a way that you're not used to. It's the most bizarre thing. And actually, I actually want to speak about my client because I spoke about this in my stories the other day. She's a prime example here. So she has um been working with me on and off for a few years, and she struggled a lot with her relationship with food and her eating habits and her exercise habits as well. But this time she's like like a flick has switched in her head, and I shut you not, like daily at the minute, she's been sending me messages and voice notes being like, Danny, I've done this today. Who am I? She keeps saying, Who am I? Like, who is this version of me? And she's like shocking herself in the daily, and I am obsessed with it because she's like she's in the she's in this in-between phase. She who she's she's still not quite who she wants to become yet, but she's starting to embody the habits of the version of herself that she wants to be. And again, this is very deep, but like I was saying at the start, you have to do the things, you have to take the relevant actions and steps in order to get to your desired goal, whatever that is. But you also have to embody that version of yourself, like think like that version of yourself, move like that version of yourself. How does she think? How does she act? How does she move on a day-to-day basis? What what um you know routines does she adopt? And she's starting to do that, but like subconsciously, like without even realizing, and it's only like at the end of the day, or sometimes at the start of the day, she'll message and be like, By the way, this happened today, like who am I? Like, I didn't even realise, and it's just so amazing to see because she's just shocking herself, and like that's that's the it's kind of a cool thing. It's a cool thing when you're you're doing things that old you would have been like absolutely not, but it's it's a weird, it's a weird phase to be in. It's a weird phase, but it's just the most empowering feeling as well, I would say, because you feel you feel proud of yourself that you're like stepping into someone different without even sometimes not even realizing you're doing it. Um, so yeah, I'm loving getting messages from her in the daily. She sent another one this morning being like Danny, this is what's happened today on today's episode of Who Am I? And it's it's fucking great. I absolutely love it. So if you're if you're in the messy middle right now and you have either you're experiencing an identity shift or you've experienced one in the past, I want to hear your stories of how you found that because I want to hear I just want to hear more people talk about it because it's it's it's a weird yet empowering, just strange experience, it really is. And even to the point where I feel like I I feel like I'm dressing differently now, to to a certain degree, dressing differently and listening to slightly different music, like just the weirdest little things, and I'm like, huh, that's bizarre. Like this is really weird, right? But the other day, for some reason, I was like, I want to listen to Justin Bieber, not a fan of Justin Bieber, but well apparently now I am, and I was like, Where did that come from? Why on earth do I want to listen to Justin Bieber? Never really been his biggest fan. Don't mind his songs, we'll find myself singing along to them. But I was like, I want to listen to his album. So I've been listening to his album, and I'm like, this is great. Like, what the fuck is that all about? What is that all about? And it happened again recently with um I was another artist, can't remember, but yeah, just the weirdest things, and I'm like, this is odd, you know, so bizarre. But as well, it even comes down to like this you don't have to experience this with an identity shift. This just kind of comes part and parcel when you I think I guess turn turn 30 or thereabouts. Like, I guess when you when you grow a little bit older, you outgrow like you outgrow people, which can be sad, but you outgrow certain habits and things. And like one of those things for me, I've never been a big drinker. Like, I love a drink, don't get me wrong. Like, I like a glass of wine, love a prosecco, but I don't like to drink in excess, like it's just not me. Like, you know, if someone was like, Do you want to go out for a night out? I'd be like, Absolutely not, like, I'd rather be in bed by nine. Like, but I do love a busy brunch, you know, so I do like a drink. I just not I'm not a big big drinker at all. So, what I was gonna say is I've totally jumped the gun here. One of those things for me is alcohol, like my relationship with alcohol has changed a lot over the years, which I know for a lot of people that is naturally, you know, that naturally happens. But in the last kind of year or so in particular, I'm just like I I've noticed how how much it affects me, you know, when I do have more than I really kind of want to have, or you know, you end up just going a little bit overboard, it happens. But my relationship with alcohol has changed a lot, and I actually find it hard, and it's something I'm still working on. I find it hard to say to people that I'm not gonna drink in certain circumstances, like there's certain circumstances I feel really comfortable being like, oh no, I'm not drinking, but there I guess there's certain I don't know, circumstances and people that I feel I feel I don't know, it feels strange saying, oh no, I don't want to drink, or I'm just gonna have a couple, or can we do this instead, you know? And I think why? Why do we feel like we have to explain to people that we don't want to drink or that we don't want to go out and get ratars? Like, why do we feel uncomfortable saying that? Like, why is it normal in this you know, day and age in our society to to go out and get drunk all the time, but it's not normal, or people question it when you're actually looking after yourself and you choose not to drink and you choose to you know drink soft drinks or just have a couple, like it's and I know it's not everyone, I'm I'm just generalizing, but I know I've spoken to quite a few people, and one of my friends feels the same, like it's hard to not be to not feel like the all one out or to feel uncomfortable saying that because you almost feel like everyone's gonna have their opinions, right? No matter what in life, everyone's gonna have their opinions. That's that's just life. You can't let these things bother you, but I I'm still working on you know my confidence when it comes to to saying, actually, no, I don't want to drink, or can we just go for a coffee instead? Like, do you know? Like, I've always been the first one to leave on like a a day, day sesh or a night out. I'm always like, I'm going home, like always the first one to stop drinking and move to water, like um, and I am getting better at you know just saying like I'm not drinking or drinking less, but there is still certain some circumstances where I feel like I have to drink because I feel uncomfortable not, which is so strange. So this is quite new for me because like yeah, my relationship with alcohol has changed, and I genuinely I I could quite happily be sober if I'm honest. Um, but yeah, that's something I want to bring up as well because I know I've spoken to quite a few of my friends and a few people who feel the same, and that's just one of the things that's changed for me over the years. Like, despite never really being a big drinker, I would still, you know, now and again, especially at like weddings and events and things, drink in excess, like to a degree, but I do that less frequently now. Like it's very rare that I'll be like drunk. Um, but if I am, it's I've either chosen to because I've you know I've wanted to, but usually it's because I find it difficult to say no, I want to stop drinking, or no, let's do this instead, or let's go home, which is bizarre. So yeah, let me know if you feel the same about that, um, because I think alcohol is a really interesting topic. And just because this podcast is really a place for me to just be myself fully, and I am an open book, I'm just not as open on Instagram as I used to be, but this podcast I am. So I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you the story of me getting my coil fitted because oh my god, guys, it was the worst experience of my life. Oh my god, like please tell me that someone else has felt the pain that I felt because a couple of my friends have, but a couple of my friends said it wasn't that bad. I'm like, are you kidding me? Like, how? How did you not find that like the most traumatic thing? So I don't want to put anyone off, but it was fucking agony, fucking agony. I've got quite a high pain tolerance, and I thought, do you know what? I'll be fine. It's totally fine, just gonna be in and out, totally fine, I'll be dandy after. No, no. So I went in and uh she obviously explained they were great. The you know, the the people doing it were great. There were two women in there with me, and uh explained what what was gonna happen, and there might be a little bit of cramping. A little bit, oh my god. So she obviously I didn't really listen to what she was gonna what she was saying, so I was actually quite nervous. She did the first part, whatever that looks like, and I was like, You would have thought I was having a baby, like I was like, I sound like I'm in labor, and I was like, not screaming, but like well, maybe screaming a little bit, and I was like, Is this what it feels like to have a baby? And they were like, Yeah, except you're pushing a baby out too. And I was like, Fucking hell, and I was like, stop, stop, stop. So they had to like stop, give me a breather, because I was like, I could be sick anyway. Um, after a few minutes, after I like calmed myself down a little bit, they she finished, she put she put it in, experienced more cramps and pinching and whatever else was going on. And I was like, oh my god, like that was horrendous, and I had to like lie there for a little while. They were like, We're just gonna put your head back just to just to kind of um get some colour back in your face because you've gone white as a sheet. Now, if you if you follow me on Instagram, this is just going off topic a little bit. I thought the saying was white as a sheep, like bah, sheep. Apparently, it's white as a sheet, like a bed sheet. Like, that honestly baffled me. Anyway, said I went white as a sheet, and I was like, Yeah, no shit, like I feel horrendous. So, like, laid my head back, and I was just lying there, like, what the hell just happened? She gave me a sick bowl and she was like, Here's a lollipop, and I was like, Oh my god, I'm actually so embarrassed right now. And they were like, Oh, don't worry, like, some people like take it really badly, some people don't feel a thing, but some people do, and I was like, I am mortified. They were lovely though, like, literally, one of them was holding my hand, and then afterwards they were like, How are you getting home? And I was like, I was gonna go and meet, I was gonna go walk and meet my my partner because he's down the road having dinner, whatever. And they were like, Can he come pick you up? And I was like, Yeah, I think that's best because I literally can't walk right now, I feel sick. So then I had to go and sit in another room to like basically get more colour back in my face and to stop feeling really, really sick because I felt really sick. So I sat in this other room for like an hour with my lollipop and a sick bowl, I wasn't sick, and then yeah, it was just I was so embarrassed. I was like, I'm really sorry if I've scared anyone in the waiting room, and they were like, No, no, don't be silly. I was like, Oh my god, but they were great. It's in now. I know this is probably TMI, but welcome to my brain. Um, but yeah, the cramping afterwards was not a vibe, not a vibe, um, and yeah, a really traumatic experience for me. And and a couple people did warn me and say, you know, it is it is painful, but it's also worth it, kind of thing. But holy hell, I did not expect that kind of pain. Like, God, God help me, you know, whenever I have kids, because Jesus Christ, that was that was that was sore, and I know it's gonna be ten times worse pushing a baby out. I hope you enjoyed that traumatic story, and I hope it's not put anyone off if you're thinking about getting the coil. Um, but yeah, I I just I like using this podcast as a way to just honestly just truly be myself. Um my one of my other best friends, she started her podcast and she said the same thing. She's like, I just want a space to like be me and talk freely, and I'm like, honestly, babe, I totally get it. Because Instagram isn't really it's not really the place for that anymore. It's it's a bit more serious, and yeah, obviously there has to be a certain level of professionalism, I guess, on that. Um whereas on YouTube or a podcast you can kind of just talk freely. And do you know what I would love to start a YouTube channel? Um, I did it when I was doing prep a couple years ago, but it's so time consuming. Um, you know, like recording and then editing, and I mean I could hire someone to edit for me, but I don't know. I just like making content is just the the thing that I hate the most, so um I don't want to add more to it, but I do like I do I do like talking, I guess you've figured that out, and this is why I like recording these podcasts because it allows me to be myself, it allows people to connect with me to hear who I am, like the real me. Not that I'm someone fake on Instagram, but I just amn't as open as I used to be, but I am here. But yeah, I'd love to hear if you know you are in the messy middle of your 30s or you're in the messy middle, whatever age you are, whether you're experiencing an identity shift or not, I'd love to hear about it. Because I genuinely feel like more and more people need to speak about this openly, and I'm seeing more and more people doing it, which is just comforting, it's reassuring, and I feel like I feel like when women come together is like the most beautiful thing. Like when women come together and they they can connect, they relate to each other, it's just so it's so lovely, like I love it. Like, even just like you know, if you're out and you're in like a girl's bathroom and you just end up chatting to people or you like comment on their outfit, like I love that, I love that so much, like it's such a nice thing, like that girl bond, you know. Like, even if you don't know the girl, you'll be like, you compliment her because you know it goes a long way, you know, and I feel like if we can just if we can all just share our experiences or just at least you know talk about this weird phase in our 30s, it just makes us feel seen, and that is a really nice feeling. So I'm gonna stop talking now, and I hope you find this helpful. Let me know, drop me a message. I'd love to hear when you when you listen to this. And if you are in this messy middle, I'm right there with you. It's okay. That's why I started this podcast, and I'll speak to you all very soon.