A conversation with Self Sabotage (and why you keep starting over)

In this episode, I talk about the sneaky ways self-sabotage shows up, especially when life is actually going well. If you’ve ever built momentum only to pull yourself backwards and felt the frustration of feeling stuck, this episode is for you.

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Welcome back to Ambitiously Chaotic, the podcast where we navigate the messy middle of our 30s, talking all things growth, ambition, mindset shifts, and figuring life out in real time. So in today's episode, this is one I've been thinking about a lot recently because I've had a lot of conversations with clients about this specific thing, but also I've realized I've realized it in myself. I've been having it, having quite a lot of conversations internally with myself about this as well. And I've realized something quite interesting. Life can be going pretty well. Things can be moving. And yet somehow we can still find ways to overthink, procrastinate, have that little voice of self-doubt creep in, pull back or focus on like what's going wrong instead of actually what's going well. And I know that a lot of you will be able to relate to this. And it just made me realise how sneaky self-sabotage really is. Because it's not always obvious. And I think a lot of the time as well, we think that self-sabotage comes in when things aren't going well, but actually it's quite the opposite. Self-sabotage actually comes in usually when things are going well. And sometimes it's not obvious. Sometimes it does look like hesitation, it does look and feel like doubt, maybe even avoidance, or even questioning yourself in the moment things start moving in the right direction. So today I want to delve a little bit further into that, into why we self-sabotage, why growth can feel uncomfortable even when things are actually moving and it's positive, and also how your nervous system plays a much bigger role in your habits and behaviours than you probably realize. So let's get into it. So firstly, I think a lot of the time people have this misconception that self-sabotage is really dramatic because sometimes it can be, right? Sometimes it can be, you know, an episode of emotional eating, it can be an episode of like anxiety or panic. But a lot of the time, it can just be little things like procrastination, it can be overthinking, it can be inconsistency, it can be freezing and then pulling back, or even distracting yourself, for example, right? That's almost like a form of avoidance, really. But I think it's important to know that self-sabotage usually comes in when things are going well. Think about it, right? Let's relate it to your health and your fitness, right? When you are in a good flow state, right, and things tend to be just piecing together, flowing really well, you feel like you're really on it, and then all of a sudden, one thing happens, whether that be you follow out of routine or you get stressed, or whatever it is, and then because you fall on off track, you then hit the fuck it button, or you think, oh well, I've screwed it now, so I might as well just continue whatever said behaviour is. So let's say for example, you end up emotional eating, you think, okay, well, I've over at now, so I might as well just continue this for the rest of the week and then start again on Monday. That is a form of self-sabotage, right? That is a form of self-sabotage. Or for example, you recently got into a really good routine of going to the gym first thing in the morning, and then there's one or two mornings where you've just not been able to get up because you've been so tired, life has been so busy, work has been stressful and hectic, and you're now thinking these doubtful thoughts, thinking, okay, well, I clearly can't become a morning person, I can't go to the gym in the morning, it's just not feasible for me. Like maybe I should just start going back to evening sessions, but actually, that didn't work for me because I was feeling exhausted, I was getting home late, and you start having this internal battle. That is a form of self-sabotage too, because you're overthinking, you're procrastinating, you're having this internal battle, and you're almost distracting yourself, you're avoiding the act of doing because it feels more comfortable to do that rather than to actually do the thing. So that is a form of self-sabotage as well. Now, the reason that this happens is not because you're not capable, it's because our subconscious likes familiarity, it likes what it likes, it likes safety. Now, it's important to note that even if something feels stressful or chaotic, but that is your default, that is a familiar feeling for you, your subconscious will do everything in its power to keep you there because that's what feels safe and familiar. So even if you don't necessarily want to be where you are and you are trying to change and you do want to change, if that is not comfortable or safe for your subconscious yet, because you've got for some reason it doesn't feel safe, there's some sort of emotion attached to it or fear attached to it, then no matter what, your subconscious will do everything to pull you back to where you are now, and that is what self-sabotage is. And your subconscious' job is to protect you, so it's actually doing a really good job of protecting you, right? Which is great, but also annoying because you don't want to be here, right? You want to move forwards. But we as humans are wired to keep ourselves safe, we're wired to protect ourselves, we're not wired to step outside our comfort zones, like that's why that feels really, really uncomfortable. And that's also why even positive changes can feel uncomfortable. Because even if you know something is for you and it's going to be good for you, and you want it, it doesn't mean that it's gonna be easy, right? Especially if it's something you've never done before, and your nervous system deems that as unsafe. Yeah, think about it. Any anytime you've traveled to a new place, you maybe felt nervous to do so, you've tried a new hobby, you went to a new gym class or dance class or something, or you've met new people and you feel nervous, it's because that's that's not our familiar space, it's not safe for our subconscious. So even if it's a good thing and it's a positive thing, it can still feel uncomfortable. And your nervous system can interpret that as something that's unsafe. And I'm gonna relate this back to me here, just so to give you another example that's not necessarily related to health and fitness because it can show up in every area of our life, right? So, right now I am making moves to do some things in the business, and consciously I'm like, fuck yes, I'm ready, let's go all in, right? And I am doing the do, I'm doing what needs to be done. However, subconsciously, right now, I am so hyper-aware that I am self-sabotaging to a certain degree, and that is coming in in the form of procrastination, in the form of self-doubt, massive self-doubt, in the form of overwhelm. There's there's a lot of internal battles going on within me right now, and it's and I know this because I'm obviously qualified in this, and I'm very self-aware, but the reason this is happening is because I am expanding, I am stretching and expanding my potential beyond what I've ever known before, and I'm stepping into doing something that is my nervous system, isn't wired to feel safe in yet. And the the only way to allow your nervous system to feel safe in the unknown and in something new is to actually do it, right? Which, yeah, you're like, duh, obviously, but it's not as easy as that, is it? It's really not as easy as that when you're like this feels really fucking uncomfortable, and you keep finding yourself back in this endless loop of stopping and starting. The sabotage keeps coming in. But the more aware you become of this, the more you can then catch yourself in those moments when you are having that self-doubt, when you are about to emotionally eat, when you are about to talk yourself out of going to the gym, right? It's in those moments that really matter most. It's in those moments where you choose to do different. That's when you allow yourself to break the pattern and break the loop. And every single time that you choose to do different in those moments that normally trigger you, that is then creating new evidence for your subconscious, for your nervous system, that it is a safe thing for you to do, that it is a safe step for you to take. And then you start to create a list of more and more evidence that it is a safe thing, and the bigger the list, the more safety you create. And this is something that I am actually starting to do myself now as well. So instead of getting frustrated at myself, which does still happen, but instead of dwelling on that and looking at all the things that I'm I'm not doing or that getting annoyed that I'm getting overwhelmed and you know, beating myself up, I'm actually making a list at the end of each day of the things that have gone well, of the actionable steps that I have taken that are aligned with this new goal that I've got, this new version of myself that I'm I'm stepping into. Because often when we self-sabotage and we're in that loop, we are of course frustrated, right? It is a really, really frustrating place to be, but we tend to focus a lot on the negatives. But actually, when you just step back and zoom out, there was a moment before the self-sabotage creeped in, or crept in rather, um, that you were in a flow, you were doing new things, you were building momentum and getting closer to where you wanted to be and who you wanted to become. And that's where the self-sabotage crept in. So if you actually zoom out and look at what was going well there and understand what the trigger was, you'll one be able to create a list of evidence that actually things were going well and you absolutely are capable, but two, you'll also be able to uncover what the trigger was. Because if you can uncover what the trigger was, then you're gonna be able to better handle it the next time it creeps in, right? And again, I've said this many a time in the last few weeks: self-awareness is the most powerful tool that you can ever adopt. So if you're finding yourself in this cycle of self-sabotage right now, and it you keep ending up in this same loop, and you're banging your head against a brick wall, and you're like, why the fuck can I not get to where I want to be, whether it's health, fitness, career, relationships, whatever, why do I keep coming back to square one? It's because your nervous system, your subconscious does not feel safe enough yet for you to become said person, for you to achieve said goal. So what do you need in order to feel safe? There's a fear there, right? There is a fear somewhere, there's a belief deep down that is stopping you from moving forwards. One, yes, because it's new and scary, but two, there's some sort of belief that you have attached that that either you're not capable, that you're gonna lose something if you do become that version of yourself or whatever it is that you're um gonna fail, for example, a fear of failure is a really big one. And these are all completely understandable and valid fears to have and like beliefs to have, but if we don't know what those are, how can we how can we change them? So this is where it's really helpful to actually sit and reflect and get really honest with yourself in those moments where that trigger does creep in. Ask yourself, what am I afraid of? Like what am I gonna what am I gonna lose by be becoming this version of myself or becoming or or reaching this new goal rather? What am I afraid of losing? What am I afraid of happening? So for me, for example, I have got a fear of being seen, which is ridiculous because I'm so on social media all the time, right? But because this is stepping into a whole new uh territory for me, there is a fear of being seen. It is vulnerable, it is it's scary, but even though consciously I want it, subconsciously I'm like, whoa, right? Um there's also a fear, I've got a fear of burnout again, um, because when I built my business before, it I got to a stage where I was working so many hours, I was working all through the weekend and I burnt out. So for me now, stepping into doing this new thing and trying to expand in a different direction while still running the business, I'm terrified of being burnt out again. And I associate being busy and having lots of uh plates to spin with burnout, and that's where the overwhelm is creeping in and the procrastination is creeping in and the self-doubt's creeping in. Because and I can feel it in my body, by the way. I can feel my body like literally freezing, like that is a form of self-sabotage, too. Like, your body is telling you it doesn't feel safe. Like my body will freeze and it will actively slow me down, and I'm like, huh? And it's the weirdest experience. Like, my mind's like, right, come on. My body's like, nah, nah, weird. We're just gonna stop here, hon, because I don't really feel safe going into that. Because last time we were this busy, last time we did X, Y, and Z, we got really burnt out and we felt really shit, and I don't want to feel like that again, and that's why it's stopping you, and that's what self-sabotage is. And you end up having these little conversations in your mind back and forth, like that little angel and devil having a conversation, like that is actually really quite helpful to have because it allows you to uncover what the fear is and what the belief is deep down, so that you can then change it. So, aside from gathering evidence, okay, aside from gathering evidence and creating a list of taking small aligned actions, this is going to allow you to build self-trust as well. And I think it's important when you are taking small aligned actions, you you make them small, right? Don't make them big, giant leaps, unless you really want to, right? But I generally think that in those moments where your body and your mind doesn't feel safe, it doesn't help by taking a massive, massive leap because you're gonna be like, whoa, right? Take small aligned actions day to day, even the smallest of things, and and add those to your list at the end of the day, because that creates proof for your subconscious that it is safe, okay, and it builds more self-trust, it builds self-trust that you are capable of stepping into this version of yourself, you are capable of achieving said goal, whatever that may be. Okay, also regulate, self-regulate. Like I was saying, like, yes, check in with yourself, like more often, genuinely, more often, check in with yourself, it'll really help. But self-regulate when you are feeling heightened, when you are feeling resistance, because by the way, you will feel a lot of resistance, self-regulate. What do you need to do in that moment to come back to yourself to remind your body that it is actually safe what you are doing and that you are capable? Do you just need to pause for a second and give yourself a little bit of a pep talk? Do you need to go for a walk and clear your head? Do you need to call a friend? Like, what do you need to do to self-regulate? Right? For example, I like to give myself a little bit of a pep talk. Last night, I actually took myself off to the cinema to stop thinking because I was overthinking and the little self-doubt voice was creeping in, and I was like, nah, not having this. No, no, no. Let's go at the cinema, watch a film, put my phone away, and completely switch off. And it helped. So doing little things like that really, really does help. Confidence, self-trust, and safety is built through evidence, it's built through continually showing up. It's not built through having motivation. So just let that land there for a second. I hope this has been helpful, and I just want you to know that if you are experiencing self-sabotage, it is completely normal. We all experience it, and you're not broken, you're not lazy, it's not a lack of discipline, your nervous system simply just wants to keep you safe, is doing its job, which is great. Annoying, I know, but it's good that it's trying to keep you safe. Okay, um, so if you have been frustrated with yourself lately because you keep pulling back every time things start going well, it's not because you're not capable, it's because this stage of your journey, this thing, whatever it is that you're trying to do, feels unfamiliar, and unfamiliar feels uncomfortable. But discomfort usually means that you're stretching yourself, that you're on the verge of growth. So it doesn't mean that you're on the wrong path. Sometimes it actually just means you're expanding beyond what's familiar. And that's a very, very different thing. So I hope that helps. Thanks for listening.