I'm probably going to hell for this!
The Absurd Laws of Ancient Texts
Welcome to the podcast that dares to ask: "Who wrote these rules, and were they having a laugh?" Join us as we dive headfirst into the most bizarre, outdated, and downright ridiculous laws from religious texts that somehow made it into the "divine guidebook."
Ever wondered why mixing fabrics is apparently a cosmic crime? Curious about the death penalty for wearing polyester-cotton blends? We've got you covered! From the Old Testament's oddly specific rules about haircuts and shellfish to papal decrees that banned everything from chess to showering, we're serving up religious absurdity with a side of serious side-eye.
Each episode, we'll explore gems like:
- Why God apparently has strong opinions about your shrimp cocktail
- The Vatican's historic ban on forks (yes, forks)
- Biblical fashion police: Why your mixed-fiber jeans are sending you straight to hell
- Pope Gregory IX's crusade against cats (spoiler: it didn't end well)
- The cosmic importance of not boiling a goat in its mother's milk
- Why medieval popes thought bathing was basically devil worship
Whether it's ancient Israelites getting worked up about beard trimming or medieval popes declaring war on musical instruments, we're here to laugh at humanity's most creative attempts to control behavior through divine bureaucracy.
Warning: This podcast contains excessive eye-rolling, uncontrollable laughter, and may cause you to question why anyone thought these rules were a good idea. Side effects may include existential crisis and an overwhelming urge to eat bacon cheeseburgers while wearing a polyester shirt.
I'm probably going to hell for this!
I'm Probably Going to Hell For This! Show #2 By Little Scotty
The martyrdoms of the Apostles are a powerful part of Christian tradition, showing how the earliest followers of Jesus died for their faith. Below is a detailed breakdown of how each apostle was martyred, according to tradition, apocryphal writings, and early Church historians.
🔥 Martyrdoms of the Apostles (One by One)
1. Peter (Simon Peter)
- Method: Crucified upside down.
- Where: Rome.
- When: ~64–68 AD, during Nero’s persecution.
- Details: Peter felt unworthy to die like Jesus, so he requested to be crucified upside down.
2. James the Greater (son of Zebedee)
- Method: Beheaded.
- Where: Jerusalem.
- When: ~44 AD.
- Details: The only apostle whose martyrdom is recorded in the Bible (Acts 12:2). Executed by order of King Herod Agrippa I.
3. Andrew (Peter’s brother)
- Method: Crucified on an X-shaped cross (now called St. Andrew’s Cross).
- Where: Patras, Greece.
- Details: Tied (not nailed) to prolong suffering; he preached from the cross for two days before dying.
4. Thomas (Didymus)
- Method: Speared to death.
- Where: Mylapore, India (present-day Chennai).
- When: ~72 AD.
- Details: Killed by angry Hindu priests or soldiers while preaching in India.
5. Philip
- Method: Crucified or hung upside down (some say stoned).
- Where: Hierapolis, in Phrygia (modern Turkey).
- Details: Preached to the wife of a Roman official, which led to his arrest and martyrdom.
6. Bartholomew (possibly Nathanael)
- Method: Flayed alive and then beheaded.
- Where: Armenia (or possibly India).
- Details: Preached in foreign lands; tortured brutally. Depictions often show him holding his own skin.
7. Matthew (the tax collector)
- Method: Stabbed to death with a spear or sword.
- Where: Ethiopia or Persia.
- Details: Multiple traditions conflict, but most agree he was killed while celebrating Mass.
8. James the Less (son of Alphaeus)
- Method: Thrown from the Temple, then clubbed to death.
- Where: Jerusalem.
- Details: According to Hegesippus, he was pushed off the pinnacle of the Temple (like in Jesus’ temptation story), survived the fall, then beaten with a fuller's club.
9. Thaddeus (Jude, son of James)
- Method: Beaten to death with a club, or killed with arrows.
- Where: Persia (modern-day Iran).
- Details: Tradition says he was killed alongside Simon the Zealot.
10. Simon the Zealot
- Method: Sawn in half or crucified.
- Where: Persia (modern-day Iran).
- Details: Often associated with Jude Thaddeus in missionary work and death.
11. Matthias (Judas’ replacement)
- Method: Stoned and then beheaded.
- Where: Jerusalem or possibly Ethiopia.
- Details: Tradition says he was stoned by Jews and then decapitated as a final blow.
12. Paul (often called an apostle)
- Method: Beheaded.
- Where: Rome.
- When: ~64–67 AD.
- Details: As a Roman citizen, he was beheaded instead of crucified. Died during Nero's persecution.
13. John (son of Zebedee)
- Method: Not martyred — died of natural causes.
