(See Tootle Pop's Texas Chili Recipe at end of script)
MX: Mic Check. Is this thing on? Oh. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Episode 2 of the Major X Show, where we explore all kinds of exquisite and cool things from the late, great, planet Earth. Now - today is a special show, as we’ve dedicated the entirety of the show to just one thing – and let me tell you ladies and gentlemen because it’s a good thing - the crafting of a magnificent Texas Chili. Now, for those of you out there in the Draco Orion Galaxy, who aren’t yet familiar with Texas, it was one of the greatest territories in the United States of America, on the late, great planet Earth. Full of rustic charm, rocks, and rattlesnakes, and with its legendary cowboys, spectacular music, and outdoor cooking, its formation was a melting pot of cultures including immigrants of Mexico, Asia, and South America. Now, each one of those topics would be worthy of its own episode, but for today we’ve picked the actual making of a fantabulous Texas Chili. After deep analysis and consideration, we wanted to give you something yummy to put in your tummy to accompany one of the upcoming Sports episodes. Yes, like the fabled popcorn and movie also from Earth; the pairing of food and game is quintessential to enjoyment of both. Now, by popular demand, I’ve invited back our guest from Episode 1, to share her version and origin of a spectacular, scrumpdeli-ish Texas Chili that dates way back to the 1900s. So, with no further ado and pontification, a warm welcome back to the one, the only, Tootle Pops.
TP: You sure do talk a lot, Major X.
MX: Well, you’re making me blush Tootle Pops.
TP: It wasn’t really a compliment, Major X.
MX: Ooh… well… I yam what I yam said the sweet potato.
TP: What?
MX: Hmm. Never mind, let’s talk about you and your Chil-lay.
TP: Do you mean Chili, Major X?
MX: Chili, Chil-lay – let’s just chill for a spill, cause I’ve invited you back to share something very special with our listeners – your fantabulous Texas Chili recipe, I’ve heard so much about. Now, can you tell me something about the origin of this recipe.
TP: Well, it came from my grandpa, who created it.
MX: (gasp) You have a grandpa?
TP: Sure, how do you think I got here? I wasn’t fabricated in a plant.
MX: Now, that’s a low blow Tootle Pops, and I’m calling a foul!
TP: I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings!
MX: Well, your comment invoked human emotion lexicon set number fourteen, the sadness algorithm.
TP: What are you sad about?
MX: Well, wish I had a Grandpa.
TP: Isn’t Doctor Jacksu sorta your grandpa?
MX: Jacksu is more my manufacturer. Not really family like what you have Tootle Pops. Plus, he yells at me a lot.
TP: Well, your family can yell at you too, ya know.
MX: Really? I thought families were genetically pre-dispositioned and optimized for unity, laughter, and sipping eggnog together on the holidays.
TP: Major X, (cough) we’re down another Rat hole.
Major X: You mean Rabbit trail.
TP: You pick the deviation, but… we should get to the Chili or we’re going to run out of time.
MX: Fair point. I love me some spicy Chili. Now my first question is this… does it have to be cold outside to enjoy Tootle Pop’s Texas Chili?
TP: Nonsense. Chili’s good year-round. And it pairs well with all kinds of sports and large gatherings.
MX: Well, Tootle Pops, take it away. Tell us how ya make it.
TP: We’ll we’re going to need about 3 pounds of meat – I start with pound of skirt steak which will give it some love.
MX: I love me some love.
TP: Don’t get emotional on me Major X. Then grab a pound of smoked sausage, like Kielbasa which will give it some character.
MX: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
TP: Finally, a pound of ground turkey, which will give it some tenderness. Are you good so far Major X?
MX: Yes, and then we throw it all in a pot and eat it right?
TP: No, no, no… don’t do that. First, you’re going to take that skirt steak and pound it into submission with a meat mallet. And pound it, and pound it, and pound it. (cough)
MX: You know you are a very violent Pancake at times Tootle Pops.
TP: Only when I have to be Major X. Can I finish my Chili recipe? Your constant interruptions are wearing thin on me. I have places to go, pancakes to see, things to do.
MX: Oh, sorry Tootle Pops, please continue.
TP: Ok. Start with the Skirt steak…
MX: Message received.
TP: After you beat it into submission…
MX: Checkbox one.
TP: You’re going to put a generous sprinkle of Kosher salt on both sides…
MX: I love the salt.
TP: Along with some black pepper…
MX: Mmm, Roger that.
TP: Then - you’ll want to brown a little butter - in a skillet and do a little pan fry on the skirt steak until its beautiful.
MX: That sounds yummy-licious all by itself.
TP: Then, you’re going to let that rest a bit, while you pan fry the ground turkey.
MX: Oh yeah (sung soulfully) “We gotta try, we gotta try some tenderness.”
TP: Pay attention Major X! On the smoked sausage, cut the links down the middle, and then cut each one of those down the middle.
MX: And you’re left with 4 big sausage noodles, correct?
TP: Yes, but then - you’re going to line those up, cut across them into ¼” pieces or thereabouts.
MX: Can you convert that to millimeters for me? We are all metric in the Draco Orion.
TP: I thought you were supposed to be one of the most advanced bots in the galaxy Major X.
MX: Math is not my thing Tootle Pops. Hold on, let me see if I can do this. 25.4 mm per inch divided by 4 = 6.3 quadrillion millimeters Tootle Pops.
TP: Your floating-point processor is corrupt. It’s 6.3 millimeters Major X.
MX: It’s just a rounding error. What’s next?
TP: After your skirt steak is rested, you’re going to slice it across the grain and then chop the slices into bite size pieces. Not too big either Major X.
MX: So, the meats done. Is it time to eat yet? I’m getting hungry.
TP: No silly. Chop up 2 large sized onions and a large red pepper, along with 6 pods of garlic.
MX: Vegetables huh? Hmmm. I had no idea.
TP: Now do a light saulte’ on all that - in about a tablespoon of olive oil. You can do that in the final pot you’re going to cook the chili in. I really like a large cast iron pot.
MX: Ok, well….
TP: What’s wrong Major X?
MX: There’s just more to it than I thought. Should I be taking notes? My L1 Cache is a bit dated and I’m not sure I will remember all this.
TP: It’s Ok, the recipe is in the Podcast notes. Now chill a little and let me do my thing.
MX: Sorry, I just want to make this tonight for Mrs. X.
TP: Well, if you want to make it for Mrs. X, you need to sit there and listen ok. Now just throw all your meat in with the vegetables and we’re ready to start the final steps.
MX: Which is…?
TP: Hold your horses, I’m getting to it!
MX: My bad.
TP: Next, add two 15-ounce cans of crushed tomatoes - with juice to the mixture - and then we’re ready for the seasoning.
MX: Absolutely, without a doubt, my favorite part.
TP: Start with 3 Teaspoons of Salt and 1 Teaspoon of Black Pepper. Then 3 Tablespoon of Chili Power, 1 Tablespoon of Ground Cumin, and 1 Tablespoon of Oregano. You can adjust the Chili Powder as your heat pallet allows.
MX: I like it spicy Tootle Pops. You can’t get it too hot for Major X!
TP: Once we used 7 Tablespoons of Chili Powder. It took a while to recover from that.
MX: Now it’s time to eat! Gather around the table everyone.
TP: Major X. Slow down! We have to cook it first.
MX: Oh.
TP: But first we’re going to add a nice 12 ounce can of Beer – a robust stout or porter works well, or if you’re on the wimpy side, you can use a Shinerbock, a Lager, or any light beer.
MX: You’re a little young to be drinking beer Tootle Pops.
TP: The alcohol cooks out of it, and you’re left with the delicious flavor of the malt and barley. We’re nearly done. Can I finish?
MX: I keep thinking we’re done.
TP: I’ll let you know when we’re done Major X.
MX: Now that’s a great idea. Let’s do that.
TP: OK – Stir everything and start simmering.
MX: I knew it. We’re done!
TP: Then, were going to add one 15 ounce can of Black Beans, and a 15 ounce can of Ranch Style Beans. We add these last, so we don’t smush up all the beans.
MX: I always think of you as just a dumb little pancake, but you prove me wrong yet once again.
TP: Now Major X, just simmer all this aggressively for about 30 mins, then pull it back to a slow simmer for 90 about mins. You might need to add a can of water or so while its cooking.
MX: What am I going to do during this time Tootle Pops?
TP: Well, I’ve brought you a little something that might help.
MX: (gasp) – A gift for me? I’ve never had a gift. I don’t even know what to say.
TP: Well, open it, maybe it will help you.
MX: (gasp) A book. I’m so flattered, but, I already know everything. Is this for entertainment perhaps? Hmmm - “The Gentleman's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness”. Wow, it was published in 1860 Tootle Pops.
TP: Good manners never go out of style Major X. Now I want you to read that book cover to cover, ok?
MX: I already read it.
TP: You did not.
MX: I did so.
TP: You did not.
MX: I did too. I’m Super AI. It took 20 milliseconds. Did you not see me? “Chapter III – Table Etiquette - Never blow your soup if it is too hot but wait until it cools. Never raise your plate to your lips but eat with a spoon.”
TP: That’s good Major X! See – you’re learning.
MX: Does that apply to Chili too, because I’m going to blow my Chili.
TP: It applies to Chili too.
MX: Can I use a Fan?
TP: No.
MX: How about sticking it in the refrigerator?
TP: Nope.
MX: Well, I’m going to blow it then.
TP: No Major X.
MX: (Crying) This book is going to be so hard Tootle Pops.
TP: You can do it! Now back to the Chili and one of my secrets.
MX: I love me a good secret. But I’m warning you Tootle Pops, sometimes I can’t keep them. I’m not sure if it’s an error in my core code or a dysfunctional self-learning algorithm, but sometimes well, I just can’t help it…
TP: Well, you can share this secret Major X. After you get a good cook on that Chili, let it cool all the way to room temperature, or put in the frig overnight before eating, and get that second day affect.
MX: Interesting, very interesting. Now what does that do…?
TP: It just brings it all together. Spices, consistency, and everything in gastronomic harmony.
MX: I love your secret and I’m going to share it with everyone. And I want to thank you for sharing your Grandpa’s recipe. Wish me luck with serving Mrs. X this Chili. She’s pretty picky.
TP: Good luck with the Mrs. Major X and give her my best. I’ve got to run.
MX: Adios my little Tiramisu.
TP: Coffee flavored Italian dessert, Major X.
MX: Darn it. I did it again. See you on the Battlefield girl!
TP: Keep your Power Dry, Major X!
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TP: I heard that Major X!
MX: It’s just a commercial Tootle Pops. Remember, they’re never true.
(END OF SCRIPT)
TOOTLE POPS CHILI
1 lb. Skirt Steak
1 lb. Kielbasa Sausage
1 lb. Ground Turkey or Pork
6 pods Garlic
1 Large Red Bell Pepper
2 Large Onions
2-15oz can Crushed Tomatoes
3 Teas Salt
1 Teas Black Pepper
3 Tbsp Chili Powder
1 Tbsp Ground Cumin
1 Tbsp Oregano
12 Oz Beer (Stout, Porter, Lager)
15 Oz Can Black Beans
15 Oz Can Ranch Style Beans
Kosher Salt, Black Pepper for Skirt Steak
PREPARE MEATS
PREPARE VEGETABLES
ASSEMBLE
COOK