The Pancake Eating Robots
Power hungry self-aware Robots led by Dr. Jacksu and Major X have invaded the Pancake's beautiful Kingdom of Sweethaven. It's artificial intelligence, suspense, comedy, and romance as Levi and his four tribes of Pancakes defend their enchanted homeland from the self aware Bots in a post apocalyptic future in the Draco Orion Galaxy.
The Pancake Eating Robots
S1-E1: Invasion of Sweethaven – The Invasion
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EPISODE 1
SCENE 1: THE INVASION OF SWEETHAVEN
The Robots invade the Kingdom of Sweethaven. An initial attempt to capture the Duchess of Butter and obtain Scarcium-23 fails. Major X gets pushback from what Lieutenant ZeQuel.
SCENE 2: BUCKWHEATS AT THE MAPLE CREEK TAVERN
We meet Levi, Magica, John-John, and Bisquick. The Buckwheats put the Duchess in hiding in the Sleepy Chestnut Forest, against the wishes of the royal Crepes. Levi talks Dr. Jacksu and AI.
SCENE 3: PICKLE IN A FRUIT SALAD
The Robots strategize on how to capture the Duchess of Butter. Cassandra advises on Scarcium. Major X wants some coffee.
SCENE 4: LEVI’S HUT
Lord Stratmore visits the Buckwheats at Levi’s hut in the Sleepy Chestnut Forest for counseling on hiding the Duchess. Mascarpone has an idea. The scene gets interrupted with Chett the Producer. Stratmore, Levi, and John-John head the Maple Creek Tavern to draw up Operation Honeypot. Bisquick has the hots for Levi.
SCENE 5: THE OWL AND A WOLF
Cassandra teaches Nature and Homophones. The Robots discover a Scarcium Cavern and discuss plans for the Scarcium-23 extraction. Major X starts his obsession with Jiffy Pop.
ABOUT THE PANCAKE EATING ROBOTS
Concepted, Written, and Produced by Mark Searcy Middleton, 2024
BuzzSprout Podcast Link
Complete list of Program Credits
SOCIAL LINKS
pancakeeatingrobots.com
facebook.com/thepancakeeatingrobots
AUTHOR LINKS
marksearcy.com
facebook.com/marksearcymusic
instagram.com/marksearcymusic
EPISODE 1
SCENE 1: THE INVASION OF SWEETHAVEN
NARRATOR
“On a dark and dreary night, Robots have invaded the beautiful and enchanted Kingdom of Sweethaven, home of 4 tribes of peaceful and intelligent Pancakes, in search of… well, they tell the story much better than I do.”
MAJOR X
“Spread out and comb the forest, bring her to me alive.”
MALTHOR
“She’s over here! Lurking amongst the Orchids.”
MAJOR X
“Wet Orchids won’t mask the smell of her Royal Blood.”
CASSANDRA
“Where is she Malthor? I don’t see her.”
MALTHOR
“I just saw the little hotcake scutter from that spinney of Elms.”
CASSANDRA
“Oh, there she goes!”
DUCHESS OF BUTTER
“He’s coming, he’s coming…”
(Horse comes, nays, leaves as Duchess gets on horse and escapes)
MAJOR X
“You fool, Lieutenant ZeQuel, you’ve let the Duchess of Butter go.”
LIEUTENANT ZEQUEL
“I’m very sorry Major X, she was rather slippery.”
MAJOR X
“I want the Duchess in my hands before the break of day.”
ZEQUEL
“But Major X, with all due respect, the Buckwheat tribe of the Sleepy Chestnut Forest are very skilled in Forest combat; should we not wait for more bot troops to arrive?”
MAJOR X
“ZeQuel, we strike while the griddle is hot.”
CASSANDRA
“Hey ZeQuel, let me ask you a question. Have you ever had your butt kicked by a Pancake? Because you sound a bit like a frady-cat.”
ZEQUEL
“I’m just concerned we don’t have the Bot power to resist the entire Kingdom of Sweethaven. It’s not just the Buckwheats. There’s the Buttermilks in Crustheaven, the Crepes in the Royal City of Butter, and those dangerous Raggmunks down in Spooky Puddin’.”
MAJOR X
“Stop ZeQuel! Did you say Spooky Puddin’? Spooky Puddin’? Really?” (long extended laugh) "Ugh… Pancakes.”
MALTHOR
“Major X, do you really think the Duchess will divulge the location of the Scarcium-23 deposits?”
MAJOR X
“Malthor, the Duchess surely won’t tell us the location of the Scarcium, but those spineless Crepes in the Royal City will - in exchange for her life! ZeQuel, what is your plan to get me the Duchess?”
ZEQUEL
“Major X, we have a flight of fresh Standards coming tomorrow - Unit 167 from Colnago. In order, to reduce the risk vector of probability and resultant impact, I recommend we suspend operations until the 167 arrives.”
MAJOR X
“Oh, did you not understand me the first time?”
ZEQUEL
“Excuse me Major?”
MAJOR X
“Lieutenant ZeQuel! Get me the Duchess now!”
ZEQUEL
“Very well Major X. We will resume the search for the Duchess.”
CASSANDRA
“ZeQuel, we need an actual plan besides wondering around in a dark rain forest. Are you really that fearful of the Cakes of Sweethaven?”
ZEQUEL
“It’s not fear Cassandra, I’m managing our risks, I’ll have you know!”
CASSANDRA
“If you were managing our risks, you would have found a different way to get the Scarcium and we wouldn’t be here in the first place ZeQuel.”
MALTHOR
“Let’s take shelter from the rain. I have an idea, and a feeling it will be right up your ally, Cassandra.”
CASSANDRA
“Feelings again Malthor? Though I’m intrigued, quit dreaming beyond your limits.”
SCENE 2: BUCKWHEATS AT THE MAPLE CREEK TAVERN
NARRATOR
“Meanwhile back at the Maple Creek Tavern in the Sleepy Chestnut Forest, the Pancakes kibitz over their response to the Robot invasion.”
JOHN-JOH
“Bisquick honey, could you kindly bring us another round please sweetheart?”
BISQUICK
“John-John, the 4 pints of Maple Syrup not doing the trick?”
JOHN-JOHN
“Bisquick - I’m just gettin’ started darlin’.”
MAGICA
“Your compulsive sponging of Maple spirits is not going to solve the threat to our very existence, John-John.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Well, Magica, I took out 8 Bots today. Kind of my reward system, you could say. How’d you do Sweetcakes?”
LEVI
“Please stop bitchering amongst yourselves and focus on the issue at hand.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Levi, where’d you put the Duchess?”
LEVI
“In hiding… right here in the Sleepy Chestnut Forest. She’ll be much safer with us than with the Crepes in the Royal City.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Crepe Royalty ain’t gonna like that. I bet we’ll to be seeing Lord Stratmore soon.”
LEVI
“Stratmore is among the wisest of the elders. I expect he’ll see things our way. Besides, born a Buttermilk, he doesn’t like being bossed like a baby - and the Crepes are unlikely to act on their own accord down here in a forest full of Bots.”
MAGICA
“We’ve already lost one of our greatest Warriors to that silicon rubbish. Boy how I miss Nutella.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Well, Magica, that’s one thing we can agree on. I miss Nutella too. We wouldn’t be sitting here right now if it weren’t for him.”
MAGICA
“Levi, what are these Bots doing back here in Sweethaven and what do they want with the Duchess?
LEVI
“Short answer? They don’t want the Duchess. They’re looking for Scarcium-23 deposits to make more Self-Aware bots. They just want the Duchess as a demand for the Scarcium. If obtained, Dr. Jacksu would be able to upgrade thousands of his “Standard” commission bots to completely Self-Aware ones.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Self-aware Levi? What in the thunder does that mean?”
MAGICA
“John-John, where do you get these stupid phrases? What in the thunder?”
JOHN-JOHN
“What are you so hot under the collar about Magica? You forget your medicine again this morning?”
LEVI
“What is it with you two?”
BISQUICK
“Magica honey, can I get you a pint?”
MAGICA
“No thanks Bisquick, I’ll just drink one of John-Johns. He’s had so much; he’ll never miss it.”
BISQUICK
“Alrighty, I think I’ll go check on some other tables. Bye ya’ll. (sweetly) Bye, Levi…”
MAGICA
“Oh my! (imitates Bisquick) ‘Bye, Levi’. Bisquick’s got red hots for someone.”
LEVI
“Stop Magica.”
JOHN-JOHN
“As I was trying to ask before getting so rudely interrupted, could you please explain this self-aware thing, Levi. Robot’s ain’t my bailiwick.”
MAGICA
“And please talk slow for him, Levi.”
LEVI
“Well John-John, Self-awareness is the most advanced function of Artificial Intelligence. Super AI if you will. In simple terms, the Bots are fully aware of themselves and their physical surroundings, which, through self-learning algorithms, enables them to adapt to their environment. But in the case of Dr. Jacksu, he’s also developed lexicons for the 27 human emotional states and integrated them into his artificial intelligence framework.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Well ding-dang-doodle, the cat’s got the poodle. I don’t know what that means.”
MAGICA
(laugh) “Classic. Such an intelligent response John-John.”
LEVI
“Well, with this combination of algorithms, they’re super-human droids in every sense of the imagination.”
MAGICA
“I get all this Levi, but what is Jacksu’s end game?”
LEVI
“He’s up to something. Something no good because that’s what Jacksu does. Super AI bots are just the means to whatever end he has in mind, and that, my friend, I am not sure of – yet anyway.”
SCENE 3: PICKLE IN A FRUIT SALAD
MAJOR X
“Lieutenant ZeQuel – I’m going to ask you one more time. What is your plan to get me the Duchess?”
ZEQUEL
“Major X, we are not certain of her precise proximity, but...”
MALTHOR
“We’ve deployed thermal drones to navigate Crustheaven, Spooky Puddin’ and the Sleepy Chestnut Forest” to locate her.”
MAJOR X
“Malthor – what about the Royal City, may I ask?”
CASSANDRA
“These are thermal drones. Crepes, due to their thin skin, have a lower residual temperature than another any other Pancake Tribe, and therefore would be undetectable in the Royal City.”
MALTHOR
“So - unless she’s in the Royal City, she’s gonna stand out like a Pickle in a Fruit Salad.”
MAJOR X
“How about her on-line transactions? Surely, she’s stepped into a Black Rifle for some coffee by now. Man, I’d love me a warm Cappuccino with a little sprinkle of nutmeg about now.”
ZEQUEL
“Yes, Major X, a warm Cappuccino sounds rather lovely about now.”
MAJOR X
“ZeQuel! Focus, Focus, Focus.”
CASSANDRA
“Major – there are not really any commercialized services in Sweethaven.”
MALTHOR
“We’ve discovered the entire Kingdom of Sweethaven is basically an uncivilized forest full of Flapjacks. Great warriors, survivors, very loyal and not to be taken lightly. It’s rumored that the villagers in Spooky Puddin’ to be the most savage warriors in the entire Draco Orion Galaxy.”
CASSANDRA
“I recommend we let the drones do their work, and in-concerto start searching for the Scarcium-23. Based on the stability of the Isotope, we believe the Scarcium is most likely located in Caverns throughout the forest.”
MAJOR X
“Cassandra…. And why caverns?”
CASSANDRA
“Major, with their subterranean streams, caverns have a cool and tight temperature range. In fact, we suspect the Scarcium gems could be located in the streams themselves.”
MAJOR X
“Very well Cassandra. Lieutenant ZeQuel, organize this extraction quickly. I want to be sitting down with that Cappuccino by dusk.”
ZEQUEL
“With a little sprinkle of Nutmeg - right Major X?”
MAJOR
“ZeQuel! Cinnamon, Nutmeg, Choc-o-latte! Spices do not matter right now! Do you understand?”
ZEQUEL
“Yes-sir Major, I’ll abstain from further adoration of spices as you suggest. I just thought that…”
MAJOR X
“And your thinking ZeQuel, is the problem.”
SCENE 4: LEVI’S HUT
NARRATOR
“Meanwhile, back in the Sleepy Chestnut Forest, Lord Stratmore, has traveled from the Royal City of Butter, along with John-John and Magica to meet Levi at his hut.”
(Door knocks and dogs barking)
LEVI
“Come on in. Don’t mind him. Bozo’s a little unsettled now with the Bots and all.”
LORD STRATMORE
“Ah Bozo, it’s OK. Levi – Oh I like what you’ve done with your Hut.”
LEVI
“Thank you, Lord Stratmore.”
LORD STRATMORE
“It’s been a while since I’ve been here.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Sí, me encanta tu cabaña.” (yes, I love your cabin)
LEVI
“Is that supposed to be Spanish, John-John?”
MAGICA
“Oh yes, he’s been teaching himself Levi. Can you tell?”
LEVI
“Why Spanish lessons John-John?”
JOHN-JOHN
“The wife and I are planning a little holiday to the planet, El Dorado.”
LEVI
“Didn’t even know it was inhabited yet.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Oh yeah. Really nice place. Buenas enchiladas y cerveza.”
LEVI
“That’s a really long trip for Enchiladas and Beer, John-John.”
LORD STRATMORE
“Levi, I’ve bought you some time with the Crepe Royalty.”
LEVI
“Well thank you. Uh, How much time, precisely”?
LORD STRATMORE
“Hmmm. Let me think… About eighty-six quintillion, four hundred quadrillion fempto-seconds.”
LEVI
“Ah, Excuse me?”
LORD STRATMORE
“Around this time tomorrow.”
LEVI
“Why didn’t you just say that?”
LORD STRATMORE
“You said ‘precisely’ Levi!”
LEVI
“Lord, I see you haven’t changed a bit. Look - the Duchess is better off here. The risk of moving her is far too great, not to mention putting her back in the City of Butter with a bunch of thin-skinned Crepes… It’s a bad idea.”
LORD STRATMORE
“Thin skinned or not, you’re really in no position to negotiate with the Crepes, they could have you arrested and thrown in the dungeon with all those Pigs in the Blankets.”
MAGICA
“I’ve seen over a dozen drones in the Forest this morning. I think the Bots are using them in search of the Duchess.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Yeah – probably thermal. I took a few out myself with my Boomerang.”
LEVI
“Really John-John? How many?”
JOHN-JOHN
“Well, I’ve forgotten, but… I’m sure it’ll come back to me – get it? It’s a Boomerang!
MAGICA
“Well Snickerdoodles – we’ve got jokes too! Along with a forest full of Pancake Eating Robots!”
MASCARPONE
“Levi, I’m not sure what to do about the Duchess, but I do have an idea.”
MAGICA
“Uh, oh, stop everyone. Little Ms. Mascarpone has an idea…, we are, just literally, dying in suspense… Let the marvelous Mascarpone, hailing from Crustheaven, speak adorned words of wisdom!”
LEVI
“Let her finish Magica. What’s your idea Mascarpone?”
MASCARPONE
“I say we give them what they came for Levi.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Now why would we want to do that Mascarpone? You just want to hand them the Scarcium?”
MAGICA
“You two go together like bangers and mash. Levi, why do we have two simpletons devising the strategy to save our Kingdom of Sweethaven? Can you answer that?”
LEVI
“Magica - Can you please just cool your griddle a little bit Magica? Mascarpone as you were saying…”
MASCARPONE
“One word Levi – Honeypot.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Now ain’t that two words?”
MAGICA
“Now I have living proof I’m amongst dunderheads! Could you please repeat that John-John? I want to record this.”
LEVI
“A honeypot huh? Huh, that would definitely take their focus off the Duchess. What do you think Lord Stratmore?”
LORD STRATMORE
“Well, I like the idea, but…”
(Sings) The devils in the details – why don’t we slip over to the tavern and make a plan.”
LEVI
“Lord Stratmore why are you singing your lines? There’s no mention of that in the script?”
LORD STRATMORE
“I’m hoping someone listening might get the idea of turning this into a theater production, or even better... (sings) “a Hollywood movieeeee!!”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Cut! This,this is Chet Star, the Producer. Could you all please just stick to the script? All I need right now is a bunch of Pancakes and Robots with Super AI improv-ing their lines!”
JOHN-JOHN
“Theatre huh? I’ve always wanted to do that. Check this out – ‘What did Tarzan say when he saw a bunch of elephants running over a hill?’”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Please stop – you’re all off script and I don’t need a standup comic you hillbilly! This is a serious reality drama here ok. Now just follow the script please.”
LEVI
“Hold up Chet – I’d really like to hear the punchline. John-John - what did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants running over a hill?”
JOHN-JOHN
“Nothing. He didn’t recognize them!” (laughs)
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Just stop it! This is ludicrous! You’re not only wasting time, you’re wasting money!”
LORD STRATMORE
“Ok, ok – lets head over to the Maple Creek Tavern and draw up ‘Operation Honeypot’.”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Yeah – you do that, this is, this is a wrap. Have a few pints on me, come back tomorrow and stick to the script. You got it?”
(Levi’s hut door opens and closes as they leave).
JOHN-JOHN
“Boy – Chet’s a little touchy.”
LORD STRATMORE
“Producers are control freaks.”
(LEVI, JOHN-JOHN, AND LORD STRATMORE WALK TO THE MAPLE CREEK TAVERN
LEVI
“Come on boys, it’s nippy out here.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Yeah, I’m ready for a pint.”
LORD STRATMORE
“Uh, I need to get back to Zumba classes. I’m already out of breath.”
LEVI
“I had you pictured more as a Pumping Iron kinda cake.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Hey - the wife and I are taking a few Salsa dancing lessons getting ready for El Dorado.”
LEVI
“You could have saved me that image John-John.”
LORD STRATMORE
“Definitely.”
(ENTER MAPLE CREEK TAVERN)
BISQUICK
“Back so soon John-John? This is quite the habit for you lately.”
JOHN-JOHN
“Well, good to see you too Bisquick.”
BISQUICK
“Hey Levi! Oh! And Lord Stratmore! What brings you to the Sleepy Chestnut Forest, my Lord?”
LORD STRATMORE
“Hello Bisquick! Oh, you know, just another Robot Invasion.”
BISQUICK
“Are you serious? They’re back again?”
LORD STRATMORE
“Unfortunately. This time with even more Bots. You should think about closing the Tavern early and getting home to your families. A good ways from here at the moment, but you can’t be too safe.”
BISQUICK
“We lost Nutella last time. Poor Mascarpone. And all those sweet, little babies. How she’s doing Levi?”
LEVI
“We were just with her a few minutes ago. She seems fine, but who knows. Hey, can we get a table in the back and 3 Pints? We need to kibitz and map out a plan.”
JOHN-JOHN
“’Operation Honeypot’. Ironically, Mascarpone’s idea.”
BISQUICK
“Well sure. Give me just a second on the table and let me know how I can help Levi.”
LEVI
“I’ll do that Bisquick.”
LORD STRATMORE
“What? Are you and Bisquick an item now?”
JOHN-JOHN
“Stratmore, there’s fire in the air every time they’re in the same room.”
LEVI
“Balderdash. Stop it the both of you. Let’s get Operation Honeypot drawn up. We’re running out of time.”
(music transition)
NARRATOR
“Well listeners, what a crazy scene that was, huh? And I’ve got Producer Chet Starr right here to talk with me about it.”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Yeah, well that’s never happened before.”
NARRATOR
“You mean Lord Stratmore’s singing?”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Yeah, I, I don’t know what he was thinking, Tom. I mean, this isn’t a Broadway production or anything. And then, that, that, that hillbilly John-John cracking open an elephant joke? And a terrible one at that.”
NARRATOR
“You know the theatre production isn’t a horrible idea. Maybe you could introduce some singing later in the production?”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Really. You think?”
NARRATOR
“You know, just something to think about.”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Ok, Ok, I’ll whirl that about in my blender of splendor for a future episode Tom.”
NARRATOR
“Now Chet, I was really impressed with your quick thinking, and sending them down to the Tavern to unwind. They’ll probably got more done at the Tavern than they would have on the set.”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Yeah – I mean, I think they’re just a little tired and in need of a break, but we’re really just out of the starting gate!”
NARRATOR
“Let me ask you something else. Speaking of tired, I’ve noticed Magica doesn’t seem to have much patience with anyone right now, especially John-John. Have you picked up on that?”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with her Tom, but let’s be honest, I have no patience with John-John either. Did you hear that country bumpkin jabbering in Spanish? I need to replace him, but not a lot of Pancakes want to step into the spotlight of reality showbiz. By nature, they’re a really reclusive bunch.”
NARRATOR
“Interesting. Until you called me for this Narration gig, I didn’t even know they existed. I mean…I’ve heard about them, but I thought they were just another myth. Since World War III, you hear about all kinds of freak show stuff. I mean the few of us that survived, we’re not exactly normal either, but that’s a whole ‘nother ball of yarn.”
CHET THE PRODUCER
(laughs) “Yeah man, don’t punch me in the Mojo. I gotta be sprightly for tomorrow’s show. It’s Robot day. And no telling what kind of bedlam and turmoil will break lose.”
NARRATOR
“Good fortune and favors my friend, and thanks for joining us Chet.”
SCENE 5: THE OWL AND A WOLF
NARRATOR
"At dusk, in the beautiful and lavish forest, Major X and team ponder the sounds of nature."
OWL
“Who, who.”
MAJOR X
“ZeQuel, Who is that asking ‘Who’?”
ZEQUEL
“Major X, It’s an owl, a type of bird.”
OWL
“Who, Who.”
MAJOR X
“And why does he keep asking me who? It’s Major X, who are you?” (to Owl)
ZEQUEL
“No, no Major X, it’s a type of Fowl.”
MAJOR X
“Well, I don’t play fair either ZeQuel.”
CASSANDRA
“Good Grief. An owl is not a fowl, ZeQuel. They are predatory, nocturnal birds while fowl, F-O-W-L, refers to land and water game or domestically farmed birds that are usually deep fried, baked, stuffed, or wrapped in Bacon, while the other foul, F-O-U-L, is a homophone meaning ‘unpleasant’ – very similar to spoiled goat’s milk. And Major X, F-O-U-L, like the infraction of rules, is an alternate definition of the unpleasant, spoiled goat’s milk F-O-U-L example I just used.”
MAJOR X
“Cassandra, you are quite the scholar. So let me summarize. An owl is not a fowl, unless it commits some sort of violation, or mutates into a dreadful homophone?”
CASSANDRA
“Never mind Major.”
OWL
“Who”
MAJOR X
“There he goes again. Why doesn’t he know, who I am? Perhaps I should try to establish a relationship with the fellow. Cassandra, what should I call him?”
CASSANDRA
“How about ‘Mr. Owl?’”
MAJOR X
“Good idea. Mr. Owl, I’m Major X, hailing from the supreme planet of Colnago. State your name.”
OWL
“Who”
MAJOR X
“He’s driving me nuts Cassandra!”
CASSANDRA
“I don’t think he’s talking directly to you Major. It’s a ‘hoot’, and he’s letting us know we are in his territory, or maybe even communicating with his mate.”
(walking sounds)
ZEQUEL
“Look, it’s Malthor. He’s back.”
CASSANDRA
“Thanks be to the Goddess of Goodness!”
MAJOR X
“Malthor, where have you been?”
MALTHOR
“I’ve been testing the collection plates, with… (interrupted by ZeQuel)
ZEQUEL
“Status update Major X. This morning, we located one of the Scarcium Caverns. There were even signs in the forest with directions and markers carved into the trees. Actually, quite easy it was.”
MAJOR X
“Those silly dumbbells. I don’t think the Pancakes are that smart to begin with. Certainly, no match for our intelligence.”
CASSANDRA
“ZeQuel, who exactly is we? Do you have a mouse in your pocket? Were you with Malthor and I at daybreak this morning, scouring through a forest full of Buckwheat Ninjas – in the pouring rain?”
(pancake warrior rider on horseback approach and disappear)
MALTHOR
“Ssshhh – it’s another Pancake coming.”
CASSANDRA
“That was close. They’re really patrolling this forest. And Major X, to answer your question. Malthor went back to the Cavern to test some collection plates we fabricated this afternoon.”
MAJOR X
“Collection plates? Like the ones at Church on Easter Sunday? Man, I love chocolate bunnies. Especially the marshmallow filled ones.”
MALTHOR
“No, no, no, not those collection plates Major.”
MAJOR X
“Oh no, not another Homophone. You guys are killing me with those.”
MALTHOR
“Let me explain Major. Scarcium-23 are small, nugget-size gems located in the shallow streams of the Caverns. We’re equipping a team of Standards with these special ionized collection plates attached to their boots. They’ll simply walk the streams and the Scarcium will bind to the plates.”
CASSANDRA
“According to Dr. Jacksu, we only need about 5 kilograms to upgrade thousands of Standards to fully Self-Aware Bots just like us.”
MAJOR X
“Ingenious. Whose idea were the collection plates?”
CASSANDRA
“Go ahead ZeQuel, answer the Major.”
ZEQUEL
“They were Cassandra’s, but I did help!”
MAJOR X
“Lieutenant ZeQuel - This ain’t no shake and bake chicken.”
MALTHOR
“Major X, we would like to conduct the Scarcium extraction at 0-400 tomorrow morning while it’s still dark. We have a flight of Standards arriving later tonight. They’ll be our reinforcement during the Scarcium extraction.”
MAJOR X
“Well, this all sounds very promising, but have the thermal drones detected the Duchess of Butter yet?”
ZEQUEL
“Negative Major. Either she made it back to the Royal City, or the Pancakes have her deep in hiding, undetectable by the drones.”
MALTHOR
“I don’t think we’re going to need the Duchess after all. I’m 98.6% confident the extraction will go as planned and we’ll be back to Colnago before you could make some Jiffy Pop.”
MAJOR X
“Still – I want that slippery little Duchess of Butter in my hands before we leave this wretch-ed, so-called Sweethaven. I want to hear those Crepes begging for my mercy (laugh).
ZEQUEL
(whispering) “Major X, what is Jiffy Pop?”
MAJOR X
“ZeQuel! – do I look Chat GPT? I’ve never heard of Jiffy Pop.”
MALTHOR
“It was a popular popcorn amongst the humans back on earth in the 1960s and 70s. You can still find it throughout the galaxy. It’s got the popcorn kernels, the oil, the seasoning in a premade aluminum pan covered with foil. You just put on the stovetop, and it pops in a Jiffy!”
MAJOR X
“Hmm... How fast is a jiffy, Malthor?”
MALTHOR
“Oh, I’d say faster than a turkey the day before Thanksgiving skiing down a hill on a buttered breadboard – with a tail wind. Does that give you an idea?”
MAJOR X
“Very interesting. Now where might we find this Jiffy Pop? And could we, perhaps, get some for celebrating the completion of this very successful mission – led by myself, Major X, of course.”
CASSANDRA
“Major X, don’t you think we should complete the mission first, and then plan the celebration upon our return to Colnago?”
MAJOR X
“Cassandra – we’re going to celebrate, and I want some Jiffy Pop.”
CASSANDRA
(sigh) “OK. ZeQuel, while Malthor and I prepare for the Scarcium-23 extraction, why don’t you use your amazing talents and locate some Jiffy Pop.”
ZEQUEL
“Cassandra, I’m certainly not going to waste my precious time on…” (interrupted)
MAJOR X
“ZeQuel! I want some Jiffy Pop. Do you understand Lieutenant? And get some of those little party favors too – the pink ones with confetti.”
ZEQUEL
“Yes-sir Major. I’ll find the Jiffy Pop and the Party Poppers.”
CASSANDRA
“Malthor – you finalize the preparation with the Standards, and I’ll begin calibrating the collection plates. We’ll have a final debrief at Midnight and enroute to the cavern by 0-300.”
(wolf cries)
MAJOR X
“Malthor, what kind of wild animal lurks in the forest?”
MALTHOR
“That sounds like a Wolf sir."
MAJOR X
“Oh no, tell me it doesn’t have a homophone.”
CASSANDRA
“No homophone sir, but a pack of wolves could kill and eat us all.”
MALTHOR
“Yes, I agree. We need to get back and start preparations. Let’s go.”
(walking sounds)
NARRATOR
“Well, there you have it. We’ve reached the conclusion of Episode 1. Stay tuned for Episode 2 where we’ll learn the fate of the…”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Cut. Remember Tom, do not give the story away.”
NARRATOR
“Oh yeah. Sorry, I keep forgetting. Can I just tell them about Tootle Pops and the Mascarpone scene coming up?”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“Well, apparently Tom, you just did!"
NARRATOR
“I’m sorry. Boy, Chet’s a little grumpy.”
CHET THE PRODUCER
“I heard that, Tom.”
NARRATOR
“Oh, I’m not fired, am I? Chet? Hey Chet? Are you, are you still there? Chet? Chet? Hey Chet?"