Late Great Planet Earth: E3 - "Pheidippides and Marathon Records"

ABOUT THE SERIES
"The Late Great Planet Earth" Series is a talk show, hosted by the omniscient and delightfully sardonic AI Super-Bot, Major X, offering a unique and often hilarious, ok, or stupid glimpse into humanity's past, present, and future. From the primitive technologies of yesteryear to the mind-bending innovations of tomorrow, Major X dissects the triumphs and follies of organic existence with his trademark blend of intellectual superiority and dry wit. Each episode explores a diverse range of topics, including technology, music, sports, history, and food & beverage, providing a captivating blend of nostalgia and futuristic speculation. Prepare to be enlightened, entertained, and perhaps even slightly insulted, as Major X guides you through the ever-evolving tapestry of human civilization, all from the comfort of his advanced, intergalactic broadcast studio. 

EPISODE 3
In Episode 3, Major X's ambitious plan to obliterate Earth's marathon records is derailed as Tootle Pops schools him on the true, ancient history of the marathon, leading to a discussion on human endurance, AI limitations, and Major X's hilariously questionable dietary and training habits. Brought to you by RoboLife Insurance and Retirement Solutions.

ABOUT THE PANCAKE EATING ROBOTS
Concepted, Written, and Produced by Mark Searcy Middleton, 2024
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Complete list of Program Credits

SOCIAL LINKS
pancakeeatingrobots.com
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AUTHOR LINKS
marksearcy.com
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Transcript

MX: (Heavy Rhythmic Breathing)

MX: Oh, oh, dang, come on, I got it, I got it, I can do it, oh, oh that hurt.

TP: What are doing Major X?

MX: (out of breath) I’m training for a Marathon Tootle Pops.

TP: A Marathon? Why are you doing that?

MX: Well, I’ve been studying the History of the Earth, and just learned about the famous Boston Marathon, where it all started. I’m going to recreate that race for our bots in Colnago. I think it will be good training for our infantry, and you know what else Tootle Pops?

TP: Fill me in Major X!

MX: I’m going to win it!  And win it big I will. I’ll going to break, no smash, how about ‘obliterate’ all the Marathon records from the late, great planet Earth.  And do you know when the Earth was destroyed, the Boston Marathon was nearly 150 years old?

TP: (laughing)

MX: What’s wrong Tootle Pops? You don’t think I can win?

TP: Not that Major X. You’re just a few thousand years off on the history of the Marathon.  The Marathon goes way back to the famous Battle of Marathon in Greece, back in September of 490 BC.

MX: Those silly humans had a fight over a race (laughing)?  They were such an idiotic species.

TP: No silly. Marathon was a town in ancient Greece and the site of one of the most epic battles in the Greco-Persian War. 

MX: Oh, I’m so confused.

TP: This is when the Persians invaded and attacked the Greeks on the Marathon plain of northeastern Attica.

MX: Why on Earth did they do that? And Tootle Pops – ‘Why on Earth’ is my new catch phrase – don’t you think it’s absolutely spendorious?  It’s a great intro to a retrospective or rhetorical question when talking about the late, great planet Earth, don’t you think?

TP: Rathole Major X.

MX: Of course. Now quote, ‘why are earth’, end quote, would the Persians invade Greece? Were they possible trying to steal their Baklava repository. What a fantabulous dessert! One of my absolute faves, Tootle Pops. Perhaps we can make it on the Major X show sometime. Tell me you like Baklava as well.

TP: Another Rathole Major X, Focus. I’m trying to teach you something.

MX: Oops, sorry. Please continue my little buttermilk friend-emy.

TP: The invasion of Marathon was retaliatory in nature for the Athenian support of the uprisings in Ionia, which made the Persian King, - Darius the Great – really upset.

MX: I see said the blind man.

TP: Anyway… the short story is this… Though the Persians invaded Marathon with a much larger army - they got their butts kicked by the Greeks, losing a whopping 6,400 men by the end of the day, compared to the Greeks, only 192 losses. It was a real turning point for the Greeks, as it was the first time they had beaten the Persians - proving they weren’t invincible after all. 

MX: Wow! Very impressive Tootle Pops! Such a humongolous army defeated by a…

TP: Does that remind you of anything Major X? The invasion of someone’s homeland… the defeat of a larger army by a much smaller army.

MX: Oh, well that’s not fair, Tootle Pops. You tricked me! Our army was not trained in Forest Warfare. Who fights in a forest anyway? Hansel and Gretel?

TP: We do Major X and don’t ever forget that. 

MX: We’ll I’m going to let you in on a little secret, my sweet little confection. We will return and soon, and your Pancakes of so called Sweethaven are going to be in for a bit of a surprise this time. In fact, when we’re done, Sweethaven’s going to be renamed to X-Haven – named after me of course, and I’m going to cut down all the trees in the forest and build a Gen 7 Robot manufacturing plant, surrounded by Ginormous Casinos and a big fancy restaurant with little Pancakes serving my every beck and call. That’s exactly what’s going to happen Tootle Pops.

TP: Oh really? Would you like me to bring Levi into this conversation Major X?

MX: (moan) Ohh, Tootle Pops…

TP: Just one telepathic code word, and he’ll appear before both of us, so we can discuss this matter in a more professional and official manner.

MX: There’s really no reason to get Levi involved in our little conversation. I mean, we’re just talking about marathons and a little earthen history for goodness’ sake.  Now don’t set your bonnet on fire girl. 

TP: Wise call Major X. Now back to ancient Greece.

MX: Of course. Please continue. I want to know more.

TP: Back in those days, ‘Couriers’ were used to deliver messages.

MX: Oh, like the old Federal Express and Amazon Prime service on earth, correct?  So archaic. In the Draco Orion, we developed telepathic ordering services along with instant transmaterialization, for delivery. 

TP: No silly, way back then, couriers were humans that ran messages wherever they needed them to go.

MX: (Gasp) Egads! That sounds like a tough job Tootle Pops. I sure hope it paid well.

TP: According to legend, an Athenian messenger named Pheidippides was sent from the city of Marathon to Athens, a distance of about 25 miles where he announced the Persian defeat. As he entered the city with a long, beautiful stride, he hit his knees and cried “nenikekamen, nenikekamen!!! (ne-nik-kamen), which means "Rejoice, we have conquered!" (in Greek, "νενικήκαμεν," translates to "nenikekamen".) Then, he died right there on the spot from exhaustion!

MX: (Gasp) He died? How dreadful. Maybe, I’ll name my race after the fellow. He had such a groovy name. How about the Pheidippides Challenge? No, even better. The Pheidippides Robothon! 

TP: Keep in mind there are many different variations of that story over time, but the tale became the basis for the modern marathon race. In one accounting - the famous Greek historian, Herodotus, revealed that Pheidippides was actually a trained runner, and was sent from Athens to Sparta before the battle in order to request assistance from the Spartans.

MX: How far was that Tootle Pops?

TP: He is said to have conquered about 150 miles (240 km) in about two days. It also suggests that the runner who announced the victory might have been another courier besides Pheidippides.

MX: Oh, history amazes me so Tootle Pops.  So, was the first marathon competition the Boston Marathon of 1897?

TP: Close Major X, it was actually the year before - at the 1896 Olympic games in Athens in honor of Pheidippides.  That year, the race distance was 40 kilometers or about 24.85 miles.  Then the Boston Marathon started the next year with a similar distance.

MX: I thought the Marathon was 26.2 miles. I’ve been overtraining if I only have to run 24.8. Geez this is going to be easy, peasy, nice and greasy. I’ll be slip sliding all the way to the finish line. 

TP: It’s not that much shorter Major X!

MX: It was the last mile that was going to kill me Tootle Pops! Now it’s gone! Let’s see.. 26.2 minus 24.8 equal. Hmm. 2-8 equal, carry 160,000, uh. It’s about 800 miles less, Tootle Pops. Ah - that just doesn’t sound right… mmm. 

TP: You need to have your floating-point processor checked out Major X. But you’re right on the total distance. The official distance was standardized to 26 miles, 385 yards in 1908 at the Olympic Games in London, England.

MX: Darn it. Why did they make it longer with such an odd distance Tootle Pops?

TP: You see, that year, King Edward the VII and Queen Alexandria wanted the marathon race to begin at Windsor Castle outside the city so the Royal family could view the start. The distance between the castle and the Olympic Stadium in London was 26 miles. But the race officials added the distance around a track, so the runners would finish right in front of the king and queen’s royal box, and it worked out to be exactly 385 yards.  So that became the standard Olympic distance, and eventually the standard for Boston and other races that followed.

MX: So now I know the running history of the demented earthlings.

TP: In reality, the basis of the marathon goes back to the beginning of humans. Humans were designed to run and had superior stamina. Do you know - before long distance weaponry - humans would hunt and chase their food by foot? They would literally run their prey ragged. 

MX: Aw come on. Humans weren’t as fast as animals on earth Tootle Pops. Now how on earth would they do that. (whispers). I used my catch phrase again.
TP: Persistence Major X. A hunted animal would escape to temporary safety, only for the hunter to turn up once again. This would go on and on, until the animal squandered all its energy, and simply too exhausted to go on.

MX: This is all well and fine Tootle Pops, but how does this get me ready to run a marathon?

TP: I’m getting there Major X, so cool your jets and listen to me. If you’re going to run a marathon, you’re going to need persistence. Persistence in your training, persistence in your drive, persistence in your goal. It all starts inside of you, Major X. So… Major X, do you have a goal?

MX: Well, I’m Major X. My goal is obviously to win the first Marathon in the Draco Orion Galaxy and shatter all the records from planet earth.

TP: Is that a realistic goal Major X?  What’s the farthest you’ve run so far?

MX: Uhhhh.  2 Miles…

TP: 2 Miles… Mmm. Don’t you think you should get some more distance before setting your goal?

MX: Uh, well Tootle Pops. Running really hurts. Two miles nearly killed me. I thought I was going to die! All my systems were stressed, I had sensors going off everywhere. I need a shortcut to winning this thing, Tootle Pops!

TP: There’s no shortcuts Major X.   Only desire and persistence. For the next 4 weeks, I want you to run every other day, gradually increasing your distance until you can run five miles ok. On your days off, I want you to pump some iron…!

MX: Why? It sounds too heavy.

TP: Plyometrics… !

MX: (crying) I don’t want to jump anybody… 

TP: Agility drills…!

MX: Ah, you’re killing me. I don’t want to dodge anybody either. I’m gonna run over ‘em. That’s what I’m gonna do. I’m just gonna run over ‘em. I’m not gonna dodge ‘em. I’m gonna run over ‘em.

TP: And a little yoga!

Major X: Hmm. Now we’re talking. I love me some yogurt. Vanilla Bean, with crumbled Oreos, drizzled with Cognac Brandy, and topped with some Chantilly cream, and some of those psychedelic-colored sprinkles.

TP: I said yoga Major X. 

MX: Oh

TP: Then we’ll assess where you are again, and start building a real running base Major X. How’s your nutrition?

MX: Excellente!  I’ve been studying a bit of español-y.  How does it sound?

TP: Like a Rathole Major X.

MX:  Got it. After my 2-mile run, I had 6 Cosmic Quenches, along with 2 skillets of Jiffy Pop, the best Popcorn in the Galaxy, and 1 gallon of Mint Julep Pistachio Crunch Double Fudge Ice Cream with jumbo jimmies and whipped cream, as a little snacky poo. I love snacky poos.

TP: We’re going to need to work on your snacky poos Major X. Way too many empty calories! You need high octane fuel to train hard Major X. Don’t you have more optimized food groups for Robots?

MX:  Robot food is despicable – lots of capsules and stupid little flavorless nutrient bars. I like to eat like the humans did back on the late, great planet Earth.  And you know what? I’m not the only one.  Now that we’ve learned a bit about the Earth, there’s an explosion of new cafes, bistros, grills, and elegant dining establishments taking place in the Draco Orion, serving the very finest of Earthing cuisine.  We’ve even got a lot of the remaining Humans serving in these establishments and boy do they know how to cook! Schnitzel from Germany, pizza from Italy, shepard’s pie from England, and those great Hamburgers from America. And that’s just a start Tootle Pops. Nope, I’m not eating tasteless food anymore Tootle Pops. And I’m sure not giving up Jiffy Pop, the best popcorn in the galaxy.

TP: We’ll OK Major X, but you’re going to have to pick between your lifestyle and your goal. You can’t compromise if you want to be the very best in the Galaxy.

MX: (crying). Geez Tootle Pops, you’re taking all the fun out of this!

TP: My times valuable Major X. When you can run 5 miles without stopping, give me a call, ok? Then the real work begins.

MX: How about 4?

TP: 5 miles Major X, 5 miles.

MX: Can I have a little ice cream, once I hit 5 miles.

TP: No!

MX: I absolutely adore that Raspberry Ripple Caramel Fondue flavor with Hazelnuts you know.

TP: No! I’ve gotta go. Keep your Powder dry.

MX: Buenas Enchiladas, my little Tootle Poppies!

TP: What? Did you mean Buenas Tardes? Necesitas practicar tu español mientras corres. (You need to practice your Spanish while you’re running)

MX: Exactamundo!

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