TALK IT OUT
Welcome to Talk It Out, the thought-provoking podcast that brings engaging discussions, insightful interviews, and interactive segments right to your screen. Our dynamic hosts dive deep into a wide range of topics, exploring the complexities of life, relationships, current events, and much more. With expert guests, lively debates, and a belief in creating an inclusive space, Talk It Out challenges conventional wisdom, encourages critical thinking, and fosters understanding and empathy. Through interactive segments and viewer participation, we ensure that your voice is heard and valued. Join us on this exhilarating journey of discovery, where every episode is a gateway to enlightenment and connection.
TALK IT OUT
S1 E3 - Navigating Life's Challenges with Grace and Resilience
Every journey has its stumbling blocks, but it's how we navigate them that defines our path. Today, Jason and Alyiah pull back the curtain on their fight with nicotine addiction, sharing the moments when we stumbled and the invaluable advice from our therapist that turned our 'failures' into mere bumps on the road to recovery. With raw, unfiltered conversation, this episode is a testament to the notion that the truest progress comes from facing our challenges head-on and learning to forgive our missteps.
Honesty and vulnerability can be as nourishing for relationships as sunlight is for plants. We explore the intricate dance of truth-telling and the trust it cultivates, along with the strategies we've adopted to keep us moving forward. Whether it's about committing to never miss two days in a row of your routine or owning up to a partner about a slip, our discussion is an intimate look at how to foster accountability and nurture the bonds that matter most to us.
Finally, we explore how love can be a stabilizing force in the universe and the magic that unfolds when we embrace the work we often avoid. From personal anecdotes to insights drawn from the cosmos, we examine the transformative power of stepping out of our comfort zones and tackling the tasks that intimidate us. This episode is an invitation to join us in a conversation that could spark your next step in personal growth and deepen your connections with those around you.
Welcome to Talk it Out. We're your hosts. I'm Jason.
Speaker 2:And I'm Aaliyah. Let's get into it. Hey guys, welcome back. We're excited to talk to you this week. We just wanted to hit on a little bit more about nicotine addiction, a little bit of updates for you guys and some new experiences that we got to learn from. So let's jump into it. Do you want to introduce what we're going to talk?
Speaker 1:about?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so, like Aliyah said, we recently had a new experience on the front of vaping and nicotine and for me personally, I took a I guess, a little bit of a step backwards when it comes to my journey to quit vaping and to stay away know two or three days where I just kind of fell back into that old habit and I think I just kind of wasn't quite as aware as I was in the first month or so when it comes to staying away from it and just telling myself that it's something I need to be aware of.
Speaker 1:And then we actually had a good conversation with our therapist this last week. I let him know that I had taken a little bit of a step backwards and I actually told him that I felt like I relapsed. And he was pretty quick, I would say, to correct me with me using the term relapse. He let us know that a relapse is really when you go back to the same behavior that you were at before, with whatever substance it is that you're trying to quit, whether it be alcohol, nicotine, whatever the case, might be Drugs yeah, any drugs. A true relapse is not just partaking of the substance another time, but rather going back to where you were at before. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So if you were having a pack of beer a day and you're trying to quit drinking beer and you end up drinking one beer, it's not really a relapse. It's not the end of the world.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he described it as being a bump in the road and we are very fortunate with our therapist. We did not find him for this reason, but he does specialize in addiction. Find him for this reason, but he does specialize in addiction and he is a recovered alcoholic recovering. He's been sober for almost 20 years and he started out being an addiction counselor and so we get a lot of really good insight from him when it comes from dealing with addiction within our family, with family members or now tackling some of our addictions in life.
Speaker 2:And you know he let us know that within the first year of him going to rehab, getting out, you know, being involved in therapy, he had over 40 bumps in the roads is what he called them and he said I never relapsed. They were bumping the roads and you know Jason was being pretty hard on himself about it and I was not being as compassionate as I should have been in surrounding the situation. We can get into that a little bit more in a minute too. But he said that you know he would pick up the bottle again and he would realize this is not what I want to do and instead of punishing himself for it and labeling himself as relapsed and failure and all this. It's just a bump in the road. You're you're rewiring your brain on how to not need this addiction anymore and it's expected that you are going to have the bumps in the road.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and he also said that he kept a journal during the year, that he had those over 40 bumps in the road and each time he had one of those moments where there was a bump in the road, that he would journal it and try to piece together what would lead him to having those bumps in the road and just figuring out. Okay, this is kind of a trigger for me and if this specific item triggers me then I know that I am more inclined to rely on the things I was relying on before. Yeah, and I guess it's just kind of human nature in a sense, with the habits that we develop and the neural pathways that we wire together, our mind and our body gets used to dealing with certain feelings in a very specific way. And I know we talked a little bit about that last week. But, like Aaliyah said, having this bump in the road for me was definitely discouraging. I tend to lean on the side of being a perfectionist and my OCD just kind of eats at me sometimes when I don't do everything perfect.
Speaker 1:And our therapist had he kind of laid out a very interesting theory, I guess, for those of us that are trying to get away from some kind of substance, and he told me that right now, with where I'm at in life, I've spent seven years using nicotine and vaping as a way to cope with my stress and my anxiety and all the negative feelings that kind of overwhelm me, and so throughout that time, as we said, we learned to rely on the nicotine, we learned to rely on the vaping to comfort us during those times weeks old, when it comes to learning how to deal with my stress and my anxiety and all these things that I used to use my nicotine for, to find comfort or to help me de-stress, and that I need to take it easier on myself, because when you lay it out that way and you say, look, you are a five-week-old baby when it comes to dealing with your stress, because now you don't have the nicotine, you have to figure out alternate methods, healthy methods to deal with those emotions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you don't have your pacifier anymore. That's immediately soothing you and I say soothing in air quotes because we know that it raises your baseline to be able to deal with those things. Not as easy when you are substituting it with chemicals like that.
Speaker 1:But you are literally taking it away from a five-week-old baby like, hey, go figure this out, and if you're not perfect then you're a failure, like that's just not how that works yeah, but I think that that analogy really helped me to, and and should help, a lot of people out there, I believe, when it comes to getting down on yourself, being too hard on yourself with trying to quit these substances, because, truly, however long it's been since the last time you chose to partake in whatever substance, that's really how old you are when it comes to figuring out how to go through life without it. So it's not easy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I think it really applies to, like, any habit you're trying to break or any new habit you're trying to form, like you are brand new at it, and it even comes down to evaluating your behavior, how you respond to things, your, your trauma responses, everything. Looking at it from the standpoint of even you and I we're a year and a half years old that's not even a lot of time either and so just to be able to give yourself grace and realize that we're going to have bumps in the road, and that might translate to whatever, for whatever reason, but what defines you is how you come back from the bumps in the road. Is this going to be the end of the story? Is this going to be the end of the chapter, or is this going to be one of the things that helped propel me into what I want to achieve? Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 1:I do think it's very easy as well to have these bumps in the road and to want to just throw in the towel yeah and say well, you know, I tried yeah. I made it pretty far, but I just couldn't do it. And then we kind of fall back into those habits where it would be more of a relapse.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I saw something today, actually, that said it was talking about working out specifically and it said if you're brand new at something, don't ever let yourself skip two days. So if you skip one day, just make a promise to yourself I'm not going to skip another tomorrow, because everybody's going to like quote skip a day. Everybody is going to have that. I mean, life comes up. Maybe you just can't make it. We have other responsibilities or you go back to a habit that you don't want to go back to. It's okay that you did it. What shows that you're stronger, what shows that you're better, what shows that you're more resilient, is what you do the next time that opportunity presents itself. And I mean, when I'm like saying this can be applied to almost everything, it really can. There's like 13 different things I'm thinking of in my head right now that we could apply this to with you and I's healing journey with addiction, with conversations, with learning how to communicate, with having relationships with all different sorts of people. Yes, it matters what you do now, but we are human. We're going to quote mess up, it just happens. It's the way that our brains learn. It's going to go back to what it knows. And if that's what you know, it's going to go back to it. So you just have to take control, take over and also learn how to be vulnerable with yourself and with others to say like, okay, I need to hold myself accountable or find an accountability partner that can just you can be honest with and say, hey, I slipped up, this isn't my goal. I just wanted to tell you about it. I wanted to be honest. I'm struggling, let's fix it. And I think that's something that we both learned from our experience.
Speaker 2:This last week is Jason had been using his nicotine gum for a couple of days and then he went out and he got a vape from the vape shop and he used our card and I get like a notification every time the card is used and I was just going through my notifications after work and I was like, why did you go to the vape shop? And I didn't even say it. That was a little dramatic when I just said it. Right then I was tried to stay really calm because I knew the answer, Like I'm not stupid, you know I'm not stupid. You knew I would see the charge. That's another thing our therapist told us. Is that a lot of people who do have substance issues or whatever the case may be hiding. It is part of the thrill, it's part of the adrenaline, it's part of the addiction aspect, of being addicted to something. It's funny because you literally told on yourself pretty much because you knew I was going to get the charge.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, that's. The other thing you said is that self-sabotage is another thing that you often see with people who are struggling with an addiction, and then you're hiding it, and then it's like I want to do this and I want to hide it, but at the same time like I want to get caught so that I don't do this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and even like I don't know, it's just, it's just funny to think about like how humans are, because that is just such like a human thing to like get more thrill and hiding it, it's just funny. But then I could tell that Jason was kind of on the defensive I mean not really right away, but I knew that he would be and in my head I thought that trying to just stay neutral would be best. And the way that presented itself which I do this a lot actually is I'm pretty like matter of fact about things, and sometimes I do forget to have that like compassion in the background or like maybe they just need love or whatever, and so I was like, okay, well, what are we going to do about it? Because that's not the behavior you want to do and you did it. So how are we going to fix it? What's the plan?
Speaker 2:And the way that I said it just made you defensive and upset and, looking back, I definitely see why you would go to that place. I still think we both could have handled it a lot better and you weren't really correct in the way you handled it, but I could have handled it better myself and now I know, okay, in situations like that, you're already fighting this guilt and this shame that you've already placed on yourself and you knew that I would probably be disappointed. And you were disappointed in yourself and you said you told me you didn't tell me because you didn't want to disappoint me. And that evening I was like no, like that's not why you didn't tell me. Like, don't throw that onto me as a reason that you wouldn't tell me. Like that is.
Speaker 1:It was part of it though.
Speaker 2:Well, I know that it is, but I have told you so many times, I just want the truth, I want honesty. I truly, I mean I won't say I truly don't care what you do, because obviously I do, but there's this aspect with me that we could probably, off the top of my head, come up with a few like examples that are more chill, but I really want people to like, be their authentic selves and to be who you are, and when things are done in secrecy and lies, there's intent to hurt behind them, because I think it is so much more hurtful for somebody I don't think it's intent to hurt though but I just feel like when it comes down to it, you might end up hurting people, but I don't think that's ever the intention I don't know, because it's almost like you're, just like your weight, like you're, it's like you're bottling up
Speaker 2:crossfire to me yeah, I don't know. I just would rather not be lied to like. Of course, we all feel that way exactly so like why do we lie to each other? We? Lie to each other to hurt each other okay, but okay, the intent, I guess doesn't matter, because in the end it's just more hurtful okay, I can agree with that, but yeah, say that we intend to hurt when we lie.
Speaker 1:I don't think that's the case I mean sometimes, sometimes you're lying because you don't want to hurt them but it's more hurtful to hurt them if they find out but okay, no, I cannot get down with that train of thought I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying this is where my brain goes.
Speaker 2:If I'm the one that's lying about something to someone, yeah, it's like you originally start telling a lie with the intention and the hope that the person you're telling this to isn't going to know that it's a lie right, but the thing is is if somebody finds out because there is a high chance that they do, which they probably will it hurts worse to think that they were being honest with you, yeah, and you find out that they lied on top of the thing that they were trying to shield you from yeah, I can agree with that and so, anyways, going back, I just don't like being lied to, yeah, and because of that, I guess sometimes I do overshare, which is just a whole other topic we don't need to get into.
Speaker 2:But also it has translated into you and I being able to communicate and build trust with each other, and I was more hurt that you lied to me than the fact that you had a bump in the road, yeah, because I'm like hello, hello, have I not proven that, like I am on your side? But then I just I had to take a step back and I can't be hurt in that situation because I know that talking to you about it beforehand is obviously the correct thing to do.
Speaker 1:It's what I should have done, yeah, but that was part of the thought process as well as like I can't just tell Aaliyah, like oh hey, babe, can I start using my nicotine again? And like I already knew what the answer to that would be, yeah, soiyah. Like oh, hey, babe, can I start using my nicotine again? And like I already knew what the answer to that would be yeah so I was like oh well, but she's not gonna give me permission or she's not going to say it's okay yeah so but the minute that, like you feel that way, I almost feel like it should be, like that's a good trigger to realize.
Speaker 2:If I feel like if I say this to Aaliyah, she's gonna like put me back in place and get my goals right, exactly why I should have done it right, like it. But it makes sense that, like, I'm just saying that's a good trigger to realize is, if you're getting to the point where you're, like, if I went to my accountability person, I know what they would tell me and I'm gonna do it anyways then, like, maybe that's a good trigger to like go talk to your accountability person.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, it definitely is, but that's hindsight being 2020.
Speaker 2:But you don't know that those are the things you should do unless you experience them, and you go through them.
Speaker 1:So that's why it is important, like a therapist was saying, to keep some sort of a journal and write these things down, just so that you have something to look back upon and kind of connect the dots.
Speaker 2:Well, and if you're the person that's the support for the person going through this, I do think that it's also smart for you to keep a logbook of these things, because there are a handful of things that I did not handle correctly or say correctly, or stop myself quick enough to be able to handle the situation in a way that is actually helpful, actually supportful and actually what you need in those moments.
Speaker 2:And so it's good, if you are a close support for somebody to be able to also keep yourself accountable for being an accountability person and to be able to help the person going through the thing be like, okay, well, remember a few days before that this happened, right, like we everybody we should just be on the same page because we are on the same team. Going back to being on the same team, like, literally, when you are in relationships with people, partnerships with people, you are on the same team and, looking at it from almost the fact of, like you guys are head coach and assistant coach together, we're like co captains, whatever right. Like you guys should have a whole playbook on how you guys can be good teammates and how the team is going to flow functionally.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the reason that we're hitting on this subject today other than the fact that that I kind of had a slip up with it is just because it's a very common thing. Yeah, for people trying to give up an addiction to have those bumps in the roads, to have relapses, whatever the case might be, it's extremely common, like we talked about last week. I know for a fact there's people out there going through the same exact thing thing and I have no issue being vulnerable in these areas, because I really do believe that that's how people learn. I know it's not everybody's learning style, but it's very much what my learning style is. When I see somebody who is also struggling with the same things I'm struggling with, there's just kind of that unspoken connection there between those people. And when you see somebody else who's also struggling with it, going through the same thing, going through the same thing, conquer that feat that's put in front of them. It gives hope and it gives motivation. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Or at least it should, because I'm just a human being just like everybody else yeah. So, like literally, if somebody can do it, it can be done, and that's just such a big part of this show is spreading that message of we've. Aaliyah and I have gone through certain experiences and we share those with the world, really, people that we come across to give them hope, give them motivation, and also receive hope and motivation from different people that we are in contact with as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's really important to know the vulnerability aspect of healing and, whether we want to or not, we're going to be vulnerable. You're vulnerable when you react in anger, when you repeat the same actions over and over and over again that are hurting you or hurting others. That's vulnerable and because we are humans and our brains are so advanced and special, we have the power to change those things, to change the way that we use vulnerability. We get to decide and it's insane I think I've probably said that in every single episode, but I will never stop saying it because you get to decide, we get to decide. That is crazy. Like you we get to, we get to choose the hard that we face.
Speaker 2:Because, well, I'm not facing like things that obviously you come into, that you don't have a say into, but I'm saying like being depressed, anxious, miserable. Those are hard things to do, those are hard things to go through. They suck. Speaking from experience and seeing other people's experience, they suck and they're hard experience. They suck and they're hard. But you know what else I complain about all the time is having to keep myself accountable with going to the gym and working out and eating right and making sure that I manage my stress. But when I do those things, I get positives out of them. When I feed my depression and my anxiety and bad habits, where are the pros there that I had it easy the most? Don't come easy, because that's part of what makes them mean the most, I think is that we have to practice them and master them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it really does take time. I mean, there was a long period of my life where, going through if I were to have this bump in the road where I would hide it for months I'm like as many people as possible, Like I would not air out my dirty laundry, in a way. But over the past I don't know, maybe 10 years or so I've gotten a lot better with owning up to my mistakes, taking accountability and not just within myself but letting other people know as well, like, hey, I'm not perfect, I mess up, I make mistakes and I'm willing to admit that. But I'm also actively trying to change those habits.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think you're really good at doing that and I think people close to us that have seen maybe some of your worst moments.
Speaker 1:My subpar. Moments.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that they would agree that you are quick. You're quick to apologize and truly apologize, like it's not just a oh, I'm sorry you're. It's usually a you know, I know what I did was wrong. I'm trying to work on it. This is kind of this is kind of what's going on, like you explain yourself and you are really good at doing that, and you have been really good at doing that for as long as you and I have been together and we have been together-ish for seven years. I say ish because we did have a year where we were not together At the very beginning of our relationship before we were married. Yeah, but yeah, where we were not together at the very beginning of our relationship before we were married, yeah, um, but I don't know. I just think that those things don't go unnoticed and being vulnerable doesn't go unnoticed because we all screw up, we all say things that we shouldn't have said. I think that's pretty common. I don't think anybody I've ever heard of anybody like not doing that.
Speaker 2:Even the healthiest of people usually the healthiest of people have gone through some shit yeah so they did something to change their lives, because you're the only one that truly can right that leads me into a nice segue for um. I put up a question box on our Instagram at talk it out underscore show and we got one one question from it that day. I had kind of it was just kind of an open ask us anything question, which I know those are kind of hard for people to ask, cause they're like I don't know what question to ask too much, too much leeway yeah, yeah, like they kind of need some direction to know, like what are, what are we, what are we asking about?
Speaker 2:you know anyways. So the question was how do you communicate without emotions taking over? And I actually am really excited to answer this question from our experience, because Jason and I can be some of the most reactive, passionate people when communicating, and that has been one of our biggest hurdles to get over in our relationship, and so I'm excited to share a little bit of insight about it. Do you want to answer the question first?
Speaker 1:yeah, I mean for me personally. I have always struggled with letting emotions take over. I very much throughout my childhood and well into my adult life, was ruled by my emotions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and honestly, I think that anybody who has, like, worked with you or been close to you has done that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean you can ask people that I was with in the army, I mean any friends that I hung out with on any sort of a consistent basis. Yeah, have at least seen one time where I've let my emotions take over.
Speaker 2:Were you like that on your mission.
Speaker 1:I was, but you like that on your mission? Um, I was, but I also understood the environment that I was in and knew that I had to tone things down to an extent yeah um so you were on like there wasn't. There was a time on my mission where me and another missionary were about to throw hands over a game of soccer.
Speaker 2:So I mean well, and I'm just remembering the time that you and your companion were boxing, which you're not allowed to do yeah, that's different, though I had no issues with him no, but like it just goes to show how reactive you are in this situation, because you guys were like, okay, let's go at it, even though you weren't supposed to, because, um, missions are like church trips that are pretty strict and rules and and all that stuff, and that's how jason and I met each other is. He was in the area that I am from, and then we reconnected on Facebook years later. Just by the way, we never really talked about how it all started I guess.
Speaker 2:I don't think we even talked about being married. Really we're married, yeah, but what were we saying'm?
Speaker 1:talking about boxing with.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, on my mission and he hit you in the face and it just instantly pissed you off well, yeah, because we had kind of decided beforehand hey, we're just gonna kind of throw like 50 power, yeah, and as soon as I get hit in the head, I mean that's like just an instant trigger for as I get hit in the head, I mean that's like just an instant trigger for me. I get hit in the head or the face and it's just like all my harnessed rage just comes boiling to the surface all in like a matter of half a second. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so, yeah, the 50% power turned into 100% for both of us pretty quickly yeah.
Speaker 2:But you guys were having fun and it was all good. In the end that wasn't like a bad situation to bring up. But it just goes, you're reactive, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so even then, it was something that I struggled with and I had to be very conscious of in order to restrain myself from that. I mean, you've seen me in a few instances, whether it was quitting the flag football team mid-game or trying to fight somebody at the gym. Yeah, it's just been a learning process for me to not let my emotions take over. I forgot that you did that at the flag football.
Speaker 2:Anyways yeah.
Speaker 1:My Antonio Brown moment.
Speaker 2:Oh, that was so embarrassing to be at with you. I was like that is like you you bitch, I was so mad but I didn't say a single thing to you because I knew it was one of those like everybody was like no man, come on, and I'm like sorry guys he's over.
Speaker 1:We lost him yeah, like this is the point of no return, yeah my, my prima donna um, and so our little prima donna yeah, so obviously with me having issues controlling my emotions in different aspects of my life, it's not like somehow I magically just didn't let that bleed into our personal relationship.
Speaker 2:That was something. Or even in general, even in public settings.
Speaker 1:Right. And so, especially at the beginning of our relationship, when or I shouldn't say the beginning of our relationship, when I shouldn't say the beginning of our relationship because I, during our honeymoon phase, if you want to call it, I was very much on top of kind of suppressing those things. And you started to see things here and there and it built up more and more where my emotions would just take over, and the majority of the time those emotions were anger, where I would yell or say something to you that was just mean and hurtful, and it was meant to be mean and hurtful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like that's what you were trying to do.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so, like Aaliyah said, it's been very much a process for us to learn how to communicate without letting our emotions take over, because we are so reactive. Well, and I can sure yell too Right, and I can sure say things that are mean too yeah, well, and I think I have a very good skill set when it comes to pushing people to that place as well um, yeah, for sure, for sure um, and so I would say it's probably been within the last year or so that Aaliyah and I've really started to gain any sort of traction when it comes to this topic right here.
Speaker 1:yeah, um, and for us, we, we it's really tough because I think it's so situational and it's so individually based when it comes to this question of how do you communicate without emotions taking over, because you have to understand your partner, you have to understand your friend, your family member, whoever it is that you are having these issues with yeah, most people have very specific triggers.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so if you understand each other's triggers and I'm not saying you need to walk on eggshells around each other, but maybe just be a little bit more conscious of what could upset them or whatever the case might be and also a huge part of it is just realizing in the moment this is not what we should be doing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like this is not taking us anywhere, it is making the problem worse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I don't know. I can't speak for anyone else out there, but for me personally, I mean, anytime I'm in an argument with you about something, it's there's at least one time most of the time more times than that, though where I have a thought in my head of like this isn't the way I should be handling this right now. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And when we have that thought of crap like I'm going down a road I shouldn't go down right now, it's difficult to not just say, screw it, I'm going to do it anyway. But we have to snap ourselves out and be willing to take a step back and calm things down and and just try to better understand where each other is coming from, because I think so often when it comes to communication, a lot of us don't really know how to do that properly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like a lot of us that have come from families of divorce or toxic parents or even just society's influence on us, we haven't seen very great examples of how to handle conflict, and I think that's a pretty big story for at least up to our grandparents, if not further, of not being able to see how to handle conflict in a positive way. And I think a big thing is for me is what helps me snap out of those moments, literally in the middle of them happening. Sometimes I will literally stop it in sentence and be like okay, you're right, you know this is these are obviously both problems or this is obviously an issue, but I love you. I want our lives to be filled with love, always, for everybody. So how are we going to fix the issues at hand that we've come up with or whatever?
Speaker 2:But I would say in the beginning that that's something that we've really been working on, probably the last like nine months, if not a little bit more, actually. No, probably the last, no, I I say like nine. That was pretty spot on. I'm a genius, but is stopping ourselves and we've been working on this for like the whole time we've been in therapy. So it took the beginning. Stages were in the beginning, we thought that we could just like yell it out, and that ended in you trying to walk home an hour away from the house on the highway and the police had to pick you up and say you can't walk on the highway here, sir. It was horrible, and now I can never imagine that happening.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Plus, it was freaking cold. That day that I did that, it was in the middle of a snow storm, storm.
Speaker 1:No, I know, my feet were completely wet and it was freezing outside and my phone died, so I trapped myself that was a big lesson day for you.
Speaker 2:That sucked bad. But also, like that was in the midst of like, I think within like a month, we were like should we even be married? Like a few times that happened, like should we even be married? Like are we actually wasting our time and not wasting our time? But like, are we actually? Like, is this never gonna work? Yeah like should we not be in each other's lives?
Speaker 1:and that's like crazy for you and I to get to that point, or at least not in the sense that we were, because I think you can be. I think it's a completely different story when you go from being friends or whatever to being with each other like 24-7, apart from work or whatever other things are going on, you're always with each other. Work or whatever other things are going on, you're always with each other. Yeah, and a huge part of not letting emotions take over when you're communicating with someone is that we have to work on ourselves first and foremost, because there's probably a pretty good chance that, as individuals, we do not have all the tools that we need to properly communicate. And then we're trying to go and learn how to communicate with someone who communicates completely different from how we communicate, whom probably also doesn't have the tools to communicate properly, and it's just like this whirlwind of we don't know what the hell we're doing here.
Speaker 2:And, like a lot of the time, I think people do start going into blame, blame, blame, blame, blame everybody around them. But you are in control of yourself and yourself only. So if it starts with you being the one to swallow your pride because you know that, like your partner needs more help in that area, then do it Because we started making big strides. When I swallowed my pride and was like you're right, I am doing these things and I need to start working on them now. Like this is holding us back, and so then I started realizing that I needed to stop the blame game too, because I would just sit there and tell you, like this is what you're doing, this is what you're doing, this is what you're doing, and like that's not fair and we're on the same team. Yeah absolutely.
Speaker 2:Like we are two different people. I think some people just have this like idea of like you're married or you're committed and you're one person, or like you're one, you're merging. No, you guys are still separate people. You have separate like needs, wants, desires, communication styles, like brain, the way your brains. You're two separate beings and you have to figure out how to blend your lives or we'll never just like blend. You have to communicate, you have to be vulnerable with each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'm going to say this not from a place of. I have experience and I know that this works, but I know what our therapists would say if we brought this question to him of how do you communicate with without emotions taking over? Um, and I think he would probably say something along the lines of you just have to come from a place of love yeah, going back to love.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because obviously we love each other. There's a very strong connection between us and, if you can, it's hard for me to even speak on this because I'm in the midst of trying to figure this very thing out right now. Yeah, we all have that within us. Yeah, but when you exercise it on a consistent basis and when you keep it at the forefront of your mind, then if I'm thinking about how much I love you, or our wedding day or some moment in time where everything was, quote unquote, perfect, it would be very hard for me to say something mean to you, to be derogatory towards you in any way. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because most of the time, the thoughts that you're thinking of are the things that you love about our relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think, as a society, we've just I don't know, know exactly how, maybe it's a little bit of everything, but we've been trained throughout our lives to resort to hate.
Speaker 2:yeah I mean it's I honestly think that it's just something. I think that it's something that, because we are such a blended society, we have access to so many different cultures and lifestyles, and so it's our duty, because we have that opportunity to connect with so many people around us, we have the duty to connect with them, and you're going to connect with them in hate or in love, and I don't even think the opposite of love is hate. I honestly just think it's fear, there's love and there's fear. So are you going to come from a place of love? Are you going to come from a place of fear? And you don't get to decide that for anybody else. The only person you get to decide it for is yourself.
Speaker 2:But when you start doing it, people around you start noticing that that's how you live. There is a vibrational difference and you can feel it across so many belief systems and cultures. People talk about people having the light being elevated elevated. You know there's something bigger, something higher, and I think that that's something within all of us is love, that is our light, because I feel like there's got to be something. We've been watching this show called our universe and it talks about how we are literally products of stardust, like I shit you not. This is the craziest thing. I have never seen something change jason's mind on something so quickly and you're still like like you're processing it but it is like scientific, like there's no like what, what? How can you deny it?
Speaker 1:but um, it's not an exact science right, so it can be denied. Yes, but the concept of science is that facts scientific facts are always changing but I think that there's just so much substance behind it that it is at the very least, something to think about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, at the very least, like you bubble in my throat did you hear?
Speaker 2:that it wasn't a burp. That was like weird, that felt really weird. We could definitely take that out or we can leave it in. You know we're human, um, but every single thing that is life on Earth, earth itself, is made out of universal matter. That's crazy, and so to me, it makes me think that every living thing on earth, and even earth itself, love, came from those things, because when you think about it like, it makes sense that there would be love in creation.
Speaker 1:Be love and creation. I have no clue at what point that any of that energy was created, because it wasn't all created right at the beginning.
Speaker 2:But everything comes from the universe, us being here, the systems in our body that keep us alive can be seen in plants and animals, in the like freaking creation of the planets when our universe started because of another freaking supernova burst or whatever like that. Like nature mimics the universe because it came from that. That's how it was born. We're just like little specks of like the after wave, the aftershock of these events. But this show, our universe on netflix is so deep and so cool yeah it's definitely I wouldn't.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't watch it if you're just wanting to like chill out and kind of like halfway pay attention to something. Yeah, uh, like alia said, it's pretty deep. It gets into some topics that aren't really heavily discussed, at least to this point, within the scientific community, um, I shouldn't say the scientific community, because I'm sure they discuss it quite a bit, but it doesn't branch down to the rest of society as much as other things do. Yeah, um, and it just is. It's like quantum physics, it's one of those things that just, unless you're seeking it out, you probably don't really know a whole lot about it yeah, but if you seek it out, you're gonna want to want to learn about it.
Speaker 2:I don't know how you can't be interested in this. That's crazy. Like I don't know any of us when we were like in grade school that didn't enjoy science, science class, when it was like at its like very beginning, like it's something that just like ignites I don't know it like ignites me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, it was also probably one of, if not the only class that was interactive.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and not even interactive, but they have arts and crafts around it. It's creative. It's creative, it's informative, it fuels your mind in such a good way.
Speaker 1:It's more than just picking a pencil up and putting it to paper. Yeah. Yeah, last week Aaliyah kind of mentioned it Towards the end of the episode. She was talking about how all of us are stardust, something along those lines. And when she had mentioned it last week I was kind of like ugh, roll my eyes, like okay, yeah, we're all stardust. Yeah.
Speaker 1:But the way that this documentary puts it is basically that what was it 14.6 billion years ago when the universe started, or something? 13.8 billion years ago is when the origin of our universe, and so with the beginning of our universe, there was no, the origin of our universe same thing.
Speaker 2:No, it's not. That's how it started. The origin is where the universe came from. Are we saying the same thing, just differently? I think so. That was us stopping an argument, by the way, because we do that a lot. We say the same thing in different ways and we just communicate it differently, and then we're fighting about nothing.
Speaker 1:So when the universe first started, obviously there was a certain amount of substance there. It started to form all of the elements that we have on the periodic table, with atoms and everything clashing together, and when the big bang happened in an instant, everything basically just was. And that's not to say the big bang happened and all of a sudden, like the earth was there, all these planets were there, stars were in the sky. Like it didn't all happen like that.
Speaker 2:It was a very progressive thing over billions of years well to us, because then you later learn that time is just a concept to us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, anyways when you take everything that was there at the beginning, smush it all together and it kind of explodes outward. All of that stuff comes together again, starts crashing into each other, building planets yeah, gravity's pull starts working and making energy happen, because things are moving but long story short it really, and I'm doing horrible, I'm sure it explains and making energy happen because things are moving, but long story short it really, and I'm doing horrible, I'm sure, at explaining this compared to the documentary.
Speaker 2:It's okay, because we're not qualified to talk on this, so it can be slow.
Speaker 1:You should definitely go watch it because it's amazing, but it does do a very good job at talking about how that stardust, the things that, the elements, and all the things that created stars and created planets, it created all life here on earth, yeah, and I mean, we're the only planet that we know of to have life, um, at least complex life.
Speaker 2:but well that we know of. That's what I said that we know of to have life, at least complex life. Well, that we know of, that's what I said, that we know of Quote, quote, quote. Who knows, somebody might know, and they're just not telling us. Anyways, don't get me into conspiracy.
Speaker 1:But then we have, and I think it did say that there was a certain amount of tons and tons of stardust that's floating out in space, that enters the Earth's atmosphere on a daily basis.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we get soaked in it.
Speaker 1:Well, we get soaked in it. But not only that, but the stuff that we eat, the stuff that we drink, all of that stuff is soaked in whatever is out there floating around in the universe.
Speaker 2:That was like 300 trillion tons a day or something. It was a crazy number. That might be like a lot of words that I should not have just said, but it was a crazy number. I remember we looked at each other. We were like what? But like, literally, energy came first, like it is the og thing. It is what, like what? But like literally, energy came first, like it is the OG thing, it is what like? I mean I'm not going to say came first, but it came before life on earth.
Speaker 1:I mean, I think energy came first. Science tells you that everything has energy, it's just waiting to be acted upon. Yeah, just because, like there's an inanimate object that isn't moving. Yeah, doesn't mean that it doesn't have energy because it's standing still, because once you touch it, energy right.
Speaker 2:Well, and like if we, if there's energy that we're touching around us because we know that for a fact, because air is energy, it wouldn't exist if it wasn't. So does that mean that we really are like touching everything all at once and our senses like we? Feel certain things because of our human senses, because we also learned that, like sea turtles well, sea turtles specifically, we'll talk about them they literally have an internal compass that they like, gets activated because of iron.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think iron was one of the elements that was made a little bit later on yeah it was from all the others, because it was because of the suns that started exploding, I think, wasn't it after the supernovas got too big and they started exploding? Yeah something like that.
Speaker 1:But basically the iron molecules started to metabolize and like basically eat away at the sun. It like took it over yeah until it got so small that it just blew up, yeah, and spread outward. But iron, I think they said, was the first element with like actual substance that was created in the universe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's part of the stardust that's falling down into our atmosphere is all those tiny little molecules of iron yeah and because that's here on earth, it generates a magnetic field that the sea turtles are able to literally know to how to go back to the specific island every year to mate yeah, they have like a compass inside their head that is magnetic iron that is insane.
Speaker 2:That's so crazy. Well, and to think about the fact that if there wasn't stars, we wouldn't exist on a scientific level. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Is that all you wanted to say with that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's just crazy. That's nuts, that's nuts.
Speaker 2:My favorite thing that you said, though, is you said I mean, I guess technically we only need our star yeah but yeah yeah, you said, but we have the sun, we have our sons, because, like of everything that happened before too, you my favorite thing, you said. When we were watching the first episode, though, and we were like. We were like holy shit, how have we not seen this yet? This is crazy. You just you said what the fuck the sun turned on god mode because it said that, like the sun just started like freaking, just creating so much energy all at once, it's like a chain reaction oh, it was freaking, sucking in energy from everything else in the universe.
Speaker 2:It was eating it yeah, but then it started exploding and getting bigger because it was doing the other way yeah, because eventually it stole freaking so much energy from the universe that it just created its own energy. She's like I don't need any more yeah, it like a parasite, it's like, and it was like it was like, it was almost like we were watching like an anime episode oh yeah, it was like dragon ball z oh my god, that's funny.
Speaker 2:Oh, that is hilarious actually yeah, that's a really good show, great watch for all the people, all the all the nerds out there that wanted to yeah and honestly explore the universe and the complexities behind it yeah, but honestly, I do actually like the fact that things like that make me feel more connected to mental health and to heal the healing journey, because it makes me realize that it's almost that, like it's almost scientific, what I am capable of, and that feels really good because it goes back to relating like we have. We come from the thing that that can do. That that's crazy cool. I guess we didn't really do any fun connection questions or anything like that, but I thought that it might be fun if we started doing just a let's get real.
Speaker 2:A little quote that you see or something. Or if you have a thought, let's get real. Like a little quote that you see or something. Or like, if you have a thought, like, let's get real about it for a second. Okay, so the quote is. The magic you're looking for is in the work that you're avoiding. Think about it. What does that mean to you?
Speaker 1:I think it's basically saying I mean, as humans, we like to be comfortable. Yeah. And if we I think oftentimes we fall into these places where we know it's not necessarily where we want to be, we have a goal for ourself, whether it's been an audible goal that we spoke out loud to somebody, wrote down or even just have in our head yeah, like what we want our future to look like right and we know, in this specific area of my life, or this specific area of my life, this is where I want to be.
Speaker 1:However, I've spent 10 years, 15 years in this place. This feels comfortable to me. When we go out and make changes in our lives and work on ourselves to better ourselves, it feels uncomfortable because it's not, it doesn't feel natural, it feels like we're having to try at it. It's unfamiliar territory, yeah, and so we just kind of avoid going to those places, because when we do, we feel uncomfortable. Then we kind of go back into our shell and say, hey, this is where I'm comfy, this is where it's easier to be, yeah this is what I know, and it really that hard work, you know, is why we're avoiding it.
Speaker 1:It's because it's not easy, it's not comfortable, it's difficult, it makes us step outside of our comfort zone right like you're avoiding it for a reason right, and it's because we have tricked our brains into thinking not tricked or tricked our brains have decided.
Speaker 2:We've let, like that's what our brains have decided, never really let it. I think we have. Yeah, I agree actually you're right.
Speaker 1:You let ourselves get to a place where we've lived our life a certain way, over and over and over again, day after day, year after year, without doing anything to change it right, and when we're adults, it's our responsibility to change it right, but our brain goes into that mode of self-defense in a way where it's like, oh I'm comfortable.
Speaker 1:This is uncomfortable. That means it's dangerous. Why would we do that when we can just keep staying here and feeling comfortable? Yeah, because we know we're safe. Maybe Right. But at the same time I feel like, at least for me, what my brain doesn't want to bring up at those moments is all the reasons why I don't want to be in that place, the reasons that I try to use to motivate myself to do that work and to get myself to a better state. And I don't know. I just feel like the brain is. It's just such a powerful state. And I don't know, I just feel like the brain is it's just such a powerful thing. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, and like If the magic doesn't resonate with you, you can say, like the, the happiness, the happiness you're looking for Is the work you're in, in the work that you're avoiding. The answer that you're looking for is in the work that you are avoiding. Happiness is not a destination, it's a journey, is not a destination.
Speaker 1:It's a journey. Well, and I don't know if the magic for me is necessarily in the work that you're avoiding at least not to begin with. I think the magic you're looking for comes as a result of the work that you're avoiding.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like the things that are going wrong in your life.
Speaker 1:With that being said, when you look back on it, I do believe you'll find that the process was enjoyable because of where it led you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like the journey was worth, was worth the journey, the hard work that you put in is worth it right and it's like with the vaping and having bumps in the road.
Speaker 1:That's part of the hard work yeah it's. It doesn't always feel good, it doesn't always provide you with motivation. It doesn't mean that once you stop smoking, like, oh wow, life is just I'm never gonna want to smoke again.
Speaker 1:Everything is completely different now yeah, um, it's hard work getting through life and changing habits and instilling new habits in ourselves. Yeah, and without that hard work, it's just. I think we trap ourselves in a place. Of depression really is what it comes down to for me. Yeah, when I ignore the hard work and don't allow myself to feel uncomfortable, it does feel good in the moment, but in the grand scheme of things it's just eating away at my self-confidence and then just feeding into my depression big time yeah yeah, you know the work is worth it and it's not easy and it's not fun.
Speaker 2:All the time you gotta gotta deal with the shit or the shit is gonna deal with you all, righty. Well, thanks for listening this week. Guys, we would love to hear from you what you think about the quote or anything that we said in this week's episode. If it resonated with you or whatever, let us know. We'd love to hear at talk it up, talk it, delete that. At talk it out. Underscore show on instagram. We'd love to hear from you and talk to you guys this week. So we'll catch you over there and we will see you guys this week. So we'll catch you over there and we will see you guys next time.
