TALK IT OUT
Welcome to Talk It Out, the thought-provoking podcast that brings engaging discussions, insightful interviews, and interactive segments right to your screen. Our dynamic hosts dive deep into a wide range of topics, exploring the complexities of life, relationships, current events, and much more. With expert guests, lively debates, and a belief in creating an inclusive space, Talk It Out challenges conventional wisdom, encourages critical thinking, and fosters understanding and empathy. Through interactive segments and viewer participation, we ensure that your voice is heard and valued. Join us on this exhilarating journey of discovery, where every episode is a gateway to enlightenment and connection.
TALK IT OUT
S1 E5 Part 1 - Building Honest Relationships Amid Life's Challenges
What happens when you challenge deeply ingrained beliefs and open your heart to understanding? Join us as Jason recounts his journey from a conservative upbringing to becoming a fierce ally for his transitioning family member. Alongside Alyiah's insights on the power of open communication and genuine curiosity, we uncover the societal hurdles faced by the LGBTQ community and emphasize the crucial role each of us plays in fostering a more inclusive and loving society.
Throughout our episode, we highlight the significance of embracing authenticity and self-evaluation. By respecting others' choices and learning to love ourselves first, we can build stronger, more meaningful relationships. We also share resources and support for those grappling with their identity, marking June as a month of personal milestones and joyous celebrations, from Pride Month to Alyiah's birthday and our anniversary.
Relationship dynamics take center stage as we navigate the complexities of moving, job layoffs, and even open relationships. We provide actionable strategies for maintaining harmony and understanding during stressful times, stressing the importance of self-compassion and honest communication. Finally, we discuss the essential steps for healing and reconnecting authentically after drifting apart, ensuring that both partners are committed to a shared vision for the future. Tune in for a heartfelt exploration of love, acceptance, and personal growth.
Welcome to Talk it Out. We're your hosts. I'm Jason.
Speaker 2:And I'm Aaliyah. Let's get into it. Hello and welcome back. First off, just want to say happy Pride Month to everybody. June is the best month of the entire year, but mostly because it's my birthday month. Yeah, but I will definitely take pride in my birthday month too, because that's just makes it more fun yeah, and I think it's just important with where we're currently at in society.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for us to take time and give love and appreciation to the groups of people who are, unfortunately, oftentimes marginalized and not treated with the most respect.
Speaker 2:Yeah, discriminated against.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah and it's a. You know, it's just how things are with the current state of America. Yeah, discriminated against, look like and wants people to act like. Um then, oftentimes there's, unfortunately, those people out there. They're gonna make fun of you.
Speaker 2:try and get under your skin well, and I think that it's important to note that in other countries too, it's a, it is a problem and there is a lot of hate, especially towards the community, in different countries as well, and I think it just comes back to coming back to love always and well, that was actually a big eye-opener for me when we went to Jamaica.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um, because they tend to lean on the side of homophobia over there. Um, and me being, you know, an ignorant American, I kind of thought that, not that it wasn't an issue in other places, but I thought we were the epitome of what it looks like to be hateful in those situations well and honestly, I think it kind of it would make sense, because American society has made it very prevalent to hate other people and we tend to be the loudest when it comes to anything.
Speaker 2:So it's important that those of us that live in America and or have family in America or whatever, like we, should be the ones that are being loud about loving and accepting and take responsibility for how much influence we have in the world, because we were kind of brought into this like country it's not like we got to like pick it and so if we want to see change in our society, then we need to be the ones to do it yeah, absolutely, and I don't know if we've talked about this or not, but I grew up very conservative in a family that I don't want to say they necessarily directly taught me those values.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but just with the way that they spoke and the and things like that, I kind of was in a place in my early adult life where I didn't understand the LGBTQ community and I was kind of against it. I guess in a way Not necessarily against it, but it was just that lack of understanding.
Speaker 2:Well, and you were never like hateful or didn't think that they deserved like love and respect or rights, but you just didn't, necessarily, you really just didn't understand. That, I think, is what it came down to yeah, and I.
Speaker 1:I think that pretty much hits the nail right on the head. Yeah, of when thing, when someone's I hate to use the word different, because you know it shouldn't be different- but different. Yeah, when somebody chooses to live their life in a way different than you choose to live yours, oftentimes it can be confusing. If you don't understand where they're coming from, you don't understand what they're feeling because you don't feel that way. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I had a family member of mine that had come out to me and let me know that they were going through the process of transitioning and they hadn't had. They, as far as I know, they weren't planning to do surgery or anything like that, but they just didn't feel.
Speaker 2:But they were going to start hormones right.
Speaker 1:I think so, and they just didn't feel like they were them as a male and being able to transition and call themselves a female. I don't really know the correct terminology.
Speaker 1:Identify as a female. It really helped them to connect with who they felt like they truly were, and that was a big eye opener for me. It was just great for me to have a family member, somebody that I loved and cared about, and this specific family member is somebody that I was very close to, and so when they told me that, of course they had that fear of not knowing how I was going to respond.
Speaker 2:Yeah and rejection.
Speaker 1:Yeah, especially because they knew I came from such a conservative background and that opened my eyes to research more on the subject. To talk to other people who are part of the community and ask them questions about how everything works, what I'm expected to, how I'm respected, to respond and I think when you love somebody and when you care about them, that should be the standard. Yeah, you should be able to take a step back and not evaluate them but evaluate you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I needed that, really confused by it at first and didn't understand how to like grasp it and wrap your head around, like what they wanted and why they wanted that and why they felt that way.
Speaker 2:But I think it was really important that those people that were close to us, they took the time to realize that you were asking and coming from places of love and wanting to understand and they were able to talk to you about those things.
Speaker 2:And I don't think that it should be on that person's shoulder to like educate you and stuff, but taking the time to have those harder, maybe a little bit uncomfortable conversations if you are in a safe place and obviously there's other factors but if you can take the time to talk to the people close to you and everybody just come from a place of wanting to love and understand and communicate and connect with each other, because you have to do that with everything in life, every subject you should do that with, like your belief system, with everything with the people around you, so that you can connect.
Speaker 2:And so it's just like another layer in the cake you would say that might help somebody like understand something different than what they originally knew, like you and I a lot, because I've opened up about my sexuality and not even opened up but just kind of had the space to like explore yeah, explore and kind of understand what it is. And at first I thought I was bisexual but I've come to more agree and like feel connected with pansexual and I feel like there wasn't always time in the past that I would feel comfortable talking to you about those things and not because I thought that you would reject me or Well, because I remember a very specific time in life where the pronoun thing, for example, it was like oh well, you know, I'm not just going to call someone the pronoun that they want to call me just because they want me to.
Speaker 1:You know, I was under the impression like, oh, if you were born a biological man, I'm going to call you a man. If you were born a biological female.
Speaker 2:I'm going to call you a woman born a biological female I'm gonna call you a woman, yeah, um, and kind of came to understand just the whole like societal construct of it too, I think right, yeah, but it's.
Speaker 1:It's really not that big of a deal. It's not as deep as a lot of us try to make it yeah um for me growing up with my mom. First nine years of my life I was Jason Palmer. Yeah. Then, all of a sudden, I'm Jason Straub. Yeah. At nine years old and it's like is it weird for people who knew me to have to call me Straub now instead of Palmer?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean it's, it's different, it takes some getting used to. There's going to be times where they still call me Palmer, because that's what they're used to, right? Um, but I I try to look at those two things somewhat the same. Yeah, it's just you're changing, or not even changing, but you're, you're realizing and coming into who you truly are, what you truly are, and and who you want to be.
Speaker 1:I think right, and that's the big thing. It's who you want to be and, from an outside, looking in perspective, we should respect that, I think, and and give people that you know that if that's what they want to be, who they want to be, then so be it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, and like being authentic, I think, is so important, Like we can't expect everyone to be like us and we can't want to be like everybody else. Like who we are is special. It's important we all have. I think there's a lot of us who have similarities. Obviously we're the same species.
Speaker 2:I don't know you know what I mean but we do have these amazing abilities to be authentic to ourselves and if we don't take advantage of that, I think it's going to waste and you should take the time to sit with yourself.
Speaker 2:I think this is something I've been realizing over the last few months or so, because I've kind of been going through a deep evaluating my behavior time and you've kind of been going through some hurdles and we've kind of had to learn how to really like sit with ourselves and not sit here and be like I want to be this way because I want Jason to be with me or you want me to be with you.
Speaker 2:It's like, do we like who we are, like minus the fact of you and I together? Like we have to be our own people that love ourselves, so that we can come into our relationship and love each other. And you have to take time to evaluate yourself and if that comes with evaluating your sexuality or gender identity, whatever, then that's what comes with it and I really hope that people feel like they can be in a safe place to do that and hopefully, if your given family can't support you, I hope your chosen family can and you are loved and valued and matter and you deserve to be alive and happy just like everybody else yeah, absolutely, and Aaliyah and I, as much as we're able, are always going to do our best to provide safe places for anyone and everyone.
Speaker 1:yeah, not just those who are part of the LGBTQ community, but anyone who is having trouble finding that safe space with the people in their lives. I mean, if you ever need somebody to talk to about anything or just post in our comment section, then we will do our best to reach back out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or at least try to guide you in a right direction of who may be able to help you, because Jason and I can not take on your guys's like responsibilities. That's just not how that works. But we have access to so many people, um, that I'm sure we'll be able to find some sort of resource for somebody if you need it. So please don't hesitate to find the help that you need. I think it's really really important to know that there are people who want to help you. They want to help you.
Speaker 2:They want to yeah, and if you need help then you need it.
Speaker 1:Just accept that and reach out yeah, so, like alia said, happy pride month yeah happy alia's birthday month. Yes. Happy our anniversary month.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:Lots of things going on in June.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a good month, I'm telling you. It's the beginning of summer. We got summer solstice coming up, all of the oh, all the summer zodiac signs. I just eat them up. I love them all so much, so shout out to all of y'all. But skeg is me. I just eat them up. I love them all so much. So shout out to all of y'all. But let's get into our normal episode, I guess. So we asked on our Instagram on my Instagram and then also on the talk it out Instagram what are some of the biggest hurdles you're going through in your relationships right now? We wanted to just give a minute to like, maybe explain how we would handle this situation, maybe like a little bit of role play of how we would handle situations or conversations or something like that, maybe help you guys see it from a different point of view and better understand your relationship and your partnerships and whatever well, and I haven't seen all these questions specifically, but I'm sure that this will also be a good learning opportunity for Aaliyah and I yeah to honestly like role
Speaker 1:play not just role play. But you know, these might be some things that we also struggle with, that we haven't brought up in conversation yet.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very true, okay. So should we just start from the top and go to the bottom? Yeah, okay. So the first one is we moved and I got laid off. At the same time, I don't want to feel like a burden while I try to find a job. I don't want to feel like a burden while I try to find a job. I think that there could be like a lot of factors into this that are just I mean, they just sound like stressful things in life coming together all at the same time and that is going to be hard to juggle in a place of coming from love for yourself, love for your situation, like understanding, compromise. It's hard to remember all those things when you're going through these hard, like these stressful moments in life. Moving sucks, yeah, sucks big time. It's hard to get into your routine, to get all like settled, and it's just stressful, depending on how far you move, it adds more stress. So that's a lot. I think it's just a lot to deal with and trying to just have like compassion for yourself.
Speaker 1:But easier said than done yeah, um, obviously that's a really rough situation.
Speaker 1:I mean, getting laid off at any point in time is definitely going to add some stress to yeah whatever's going on in life, but especially when you have something else big like moving going on at the same time, I think that could be very overwhelming, and it's easy when we are overwhelmed to get lost in that emotion, yeah, of holy crap. I don't know what to do. I'm scrambling. This sucks and, like Aaliyah said, I, and like Leah said, I think just having that compassion for yourself and also understanding things won't always be this way. Yeah.
Speaker 2:How would you go like talking about it with your partner?
Speaker 1:From this person's point of view.
Speaker 2:Yeah, view yeah, the one that got laid off yeah, or even the one that is the other partner.
Speaker 1:I mean, I think it's a situation that can be frustrating for everyone involved. Yeah, because if you are the one who is laid off, it's something that's out of your control. It's this stress that was placed upon you with no heads up whatsoever. Yeah, and from the other person's point of view, it could be frustrating from the standpoint of you know, oh, I'm doing, I'm working so hard and it's just not enough.
Speaker 2:Like you need more. You need more support.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that coming about it in a way of, let's say, I was laid off and trying to feel, trying to find a job, right. I think it would probably be smart to go to your partner and say I'm feeling really overwhelmed with our situation and I need to find a job. What are my options? Do I need to go find a quick job right now and work really crappy hours? Is that the situation we're in? Can I wait a little bit? Should I? What should I do? Is this a time where maybe I should change my career path, change the plan? Do we need to reevaluate? Do I want to go back to school? Do I want to follow this dream that I've always? Whatever, what are the options?
Speaker 2:And like figure out how to problem solve together because it is a together situation. You're, you're moved, you're in a new house, you live together, right or whatever. You are sharing bills, like you're going to be in each other's lives and problem solve your whole lives. So, instead of like holding it all in and letting yourself just like stir with this heavy emotion in and letting yourself just like stir with this heavy emotion, like I would hope that you guys would be able to talk about that situation and how you're going to solve the problem yeah, and I think, from this viewpoint specifically, maybe you can bring up to your, to your partner, if at all possible.
Speaker 1:If you're looking to get into a specific field of work because that's what you want to do, then I do feel like it's important to let your partner know that, yes, you want a job, but if it's not something that needs to happen right now, it's not critical. I do think it's very important to find a place of work that you enjoy, because if you're just getting a job to make money and that's it, that's the whole goal, I don't think oftentimes we're going to be very happy in those jobs.
Speaker 2:Well, that's why I say, like, is it one where you need to go find like kind of a crappy job quick? So like if you guys have to pay your bills, right, like if it is a dire situation and like, okay, then what's the timeline on this, right? Or like we both are going to be grinding, so we need to split up other responsibilities, because this is going to be really hard on both of us, because our whole routine will be completely, you know, like I think there are, there is times where you need to make money and that's what you need to do, right, right.
Speaker 1:But, and if you're in one of those situations? Where you, you have to make money. Then okay, you know, go get a job where you're making money and you can make ends meet. Yeah.
Speaker 1:It doesn't need to be forever, though. Yeah. You can still be looking for a job in the career field that you love, the career field that you want to pursue, all while just making ends meet in the meantime. Yeah, and remind yourself that it's not permanent. It's something that you're doing to get by, and it's kind of like a little pit stop on the way to your actual destination yeah, which can definitely be.
Speaker 2:That can be a really hard way to look at things and to have to come to terms with, honestly, so, but for me it helps, you know, because it's like, yeah, no, I think looking at it, yeah, I think looking at it like that is is really helpful and most it's like you have a board game out and you're like taking your little car of life around. You have different stops, you know.
Speaker 1:Well, and if you're truly looking for a job in the field that you want to pursue, then in most situations I don't think you're going to have to work the job that you don't want to be working for very long.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, and I also think it's important to keep your mindset towards those things and to try to enjoy the thing that you are doing. Maybe you're grinding, doing a job that you're like I really don't want to do this forever, but I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it a good thing. I'm going to make connections with my coworkers. I'm going to make connections with the people that are coming to the window every day. That are whatever, because you never know who you're going to run into. First of all, marketing, like, is quite literally everything. Who you know is everything. The connections, the connections that you make, are everything. You never know if somebody is going to come up to that window just needing the thing that you could give them.
Speaker 1:Well, and I do want to hit on this because it says I don't want to feel like a burden while I try to find a job. So to me it sounds like maybe they haven't talked to their significant other, they haven't talked to their partner about this specifically, and that they might be. I keep swallowing in that mic, so loud they might be kind of in their own heads, feeling like a burden, when their partner, significant other, does not feel that way at all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like maybe they understand, like, hey, you're and I think it's important to talk to our partners and say hey, listen, I know that we just moved. I know that we just moved. I know that I got laid off. It's stressing me out.
Speaker 2:I kind of want to know where you're at with it, because it makes me feel like a burden yeah and and it's important to say like it makes me feel like a burden, because if you came to your partner, there is a an opportunity for there to be miscommunication.
Speaker 2:Because if you say I'm a burden or like I feel, like you think I'm a burden or something, that starts adding blame onto the partner and that doesn't make the partner feel good at all and it can make them take what you're saying in a different way and not understand that you're not sitting here being blaming or just woe is me. I don't want to fix the problem. Just take ownership of your feeling towards the situation and say I don't want to feel like a burden. I'm feeling or I am feeling like a burden. Want to feel like a burden, I'm feeling or I am feeling like a burden. You know, can we talk about it? Is there something more I need to be doing and can we problem solve together? Like it's okay to be that clear cut about your communication and that's straightforward. It's better than sitting there like stirring in these like I feel like shit moments yeah, well, and your partner might not feel that way at all.
Speaker 1:Like. I said and or they could really be feeling that way and they're like thank goodness, we're finally talking about this right, but I'm saying, if your partner's not feeling that way about it, then I feel like it can help you heal a lot because, more than likely, you're feeling like a burden, because you don't feel like you're contributing to the situation.
Speaker 1:You don't feel like you're helping your partner out, and if they don't feel that way about you, then that should help you to get started on the road of feeling more love for yourself. I'm not saying just because your partner says, oh, you don't feel like a burden to me. All of a sudden you're going to be like, oh, I'm not a burden.
Speaker 2:Amazing.
Speaker 1:Because I've been there. I think a lot of us, if not all of us, have been in those situations where we feel like crap because of whatever situation we are currently in and we feel like we could be doing more. But just because a thousand people tell us we're doing okay doesn't mean we're going to feel like we're doing okay.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, back to having those conversations, if you will, with yourself. Yeah, of building yourself up. And if you're out there looking for a job, trying to find a job, it doesn't sound like a burden to me. It sounds like you are doing as much as you can to solve the problem and yeah yeah, no, I totally agree.
Speaker 2:I totally agree. Okay, I we should probably like set timers for ourselves to talk about these things we can do the next one okay, we just go on tangent sometimes I feel like, but we're good, right, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, this one is definitely written in more like a t form. But omg, this is so low-key and anonymous. But deciding on if we should open our marriage with the little emoji, a little hand over the face, shy, shy little guy, yeah, this, I think, would be a really big time in the relationship to realize if you have any insecurities, if your partner has any insecurities, what insecurities you guys have together, and you have to be 110% honest, because if you are opening your marriage to fix emotional, deep issues between you guys, it's going to fail and either that means your open marriage is gonna fail or your marriage or your partnership is going to fail. I think this goes to. I think this goes for any relationship. You don't have to be married, just open relationships in general, like you have to be so honest with each other and I think also keep in mind that you need to come from a place of love and trust, first and foremost. If you don't have those, if you don't have those pillars built up, then I don't think it should be a conversation.
Speaker 1:This one's kind of tough for me when we're talking about not just a relationship but marriage, specifically, because I am very much of the opinion that the things that go on in a leonized marriage, the things that go on in Aaliyah and I's marriage, the things that we decide together, are between us two. Yeah, and that's pretty much it for me, yeah, and so it does make it a little difficult for me to, I guess, give advice in a way on another relationship, another marriage. But I do agree with Aaliyah that if you're going to, if you're going to open your relationship, open your marriage to the idea of dating other people or whatever that looks like for you, then I think you need to sit down together and maybe try and think and come up with all the issues that could present themselves yeah because if you sit there and really think deeply about what things might make you jealous, yeah, like if this thing came up, how would I react?
Speaker 2:right, if this thing came up, how would I react?
Speaker 1:right and yeah, and just kind of not necessarily role-playing, but having conversations about specific instances that could happen and where both of you would be at with that. Yeah, because I do think it would be incredibly difficult to meet those things head on and then try and deal with everything as it's happening.
Speaker 2:Right, because then you're bringing in the feeling of it happening, the actual act of it happening.
Speaker 1:Well, you just never know how it's going to go. You know if you are talking about having an open marriage.
Speaker 2:And you have this expectation and somebody else has this expectation, they could be completely different.
Speaker 1:Well, not only that, but there's just such a big difference between talking about having an open marriage and actually having an open marriage. Yeah, and so those conversations need to be had beforehand. Yeah, just in case. Yep. Because if you start an open marriage and you open up all these cans of worms and realize this is not actually what we want to do, yeah, then there's a potential that you're going to have a lot of.
Speaker 2:Well, and what if one partner wants to continue and the other one doesn't? You literally have to have that conversation of would we split up, would we be divorced if this happened? And it has to be that honest of a question. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that honest of, because what you're doing is so vulnerable that if you can't have those vulnerable conversations with each other, you shouldn't be doing the thing. And I think that goes for people who are in poly relationships. I think it goes for people where it's just what they just are, like swingers. Um, I think it goes for any, because you're bringing in so many potentials when you open anything up like that that you have to talk about every single thing yeah, and for me personally um, this is just my opinion, but I think you two should be loyal to each other above anything else yeah, like you guys have already made, that, if you open a, marriage.
Speaker 1:If you open a relationship and bring other people into it, I personally feel like it would be really shitty of someone to start putting more of their focus more of their energy, more of their love into the people that are newly brought into the relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think you always have to remember who your true person is. Yeah, this is the person that you got married to, or this is the person that you entered a relationship with that you're willing to spend life with or dedicate yourself to, right.
Speaker 2:In some way, shape or form To the end, right, right, like I think we both look at marriage at such a like commitment level because of I think it has a big to do with the way we were raised and what we saw in the relationships around us with our parents, and it's like no, like we have made that decision, that shit is to the end for us. I do think that divorce is an option for some people like, and that's okay, that is totally okay. But because Jason and I have had these moments in our marriage where we've had to evaluate and say do we want to be married, do we want to be together? We've had to. We've literally had to say that to each other. And because we came to that decision and we continue to come to that decision, we work for it like every day.
Speaker 2:We know that that's the expectation between us doesn't mean we don't have bumps in the roads and hard conversations these are these first two are tough questions, though yeah, I mean I'm like, oh man, maybe you need a therapist no, but honestly, everybody does, everybody does, and I know that it's really scary, when you have not ever gone to therapy, to think about going to therapy like with your partner, um, or if you've had like a little bit of therapy alone, because that was kind of our situation. I've been in therapy most of my life, um, jason's been in his, in therapy when he was a kid for a little bit, and but try not to look at it as therapy.
Speaker 1:It's not like oh, we have to go to a therapist because our relationship is horrible or whatever it's, it's a professional.
Speaker 2:It's a professional. Yeah, like they have a professional opinion.
Speaker 1:If you're struggling with money, if you don't know how to handle money, do you just say, oh well, I'm too embarrassed to get an accountant, so I'm going to try and figure it out myself and go broke? Some people are, I mean yeah, but that's not the right way, though. Right, you should go out and you should say okay, I'm going to seek help from a professional someone who knows what they're doing in this field.
Speaker 2:It goes down to asking for help, and they can give me the advice and the direction that I need to get where I want to be. It goes down to just like the asking for help right, like, don't be afraid to ask for help, there's people that want to help you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and like I said when I very first started talking relationships, marriages are very personal and if there's anyone who you're worried is going to judge you based on, oh, we're getting help for our marriage or whatever like that, then I mean those probably aren't the people that you want to have on your inner circle yeah, and I think it doesn't mean you have to cut them off completely or not, because they but you only want to let them so close until they are until ready and willing to support you yeah, no, I totally agree.
Speaker 2:I totally agree and like I think the people if you are being, if you are willing to swallow your pride and ask for help, nobody should ever look at you that way Because that in and of itself is brave, like that is. It is Because it's vulnerable. You think, as humans, you think we like to put down our pride and our ego like that. Hell, no, hell, no. It's not easy. So like it is brave when you ask for help and when you seek help from people who have the credibility to help you yeah, and it shouldn't be embarrassing.
Speaker 1:I think what is more embarrassing than asking for help is not figuring out your shit and yeah, and letting it fail yeah, and never trying like like that's.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I just I don't understand how so many people have, like, let those things hold you down for so long. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to you. I'm not even talking about, like, the people that it affects, I'm talking about you. Like you are going through this shit too. Whether you can consciously understand or not, consciously understand or not, your nervous system knows what's going on. So like, just try, just try anyways. That went on a big tangent. But next question not bring what happened in the past into our fresh start? This is huge, I feel like, because how many fresh starts have we needed in our lives together?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, we all have to do it.
Speaker 2:I know, but like that's why it's big.
Speaker 1:You have to do this in a relationship not bringing what happened into the past, into our fresh start. I I think that can be a very difficult thing for both angles here the person that is potentially bringing the things in the past back up into the future, and also the person who feels like they're constantly having their mistakes brought up and it kind of makes you feel like you've never been forgiven, in a way. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:If your partner or somebody that you have any kind of a relationship with are bringing up past mistakes. But for me this is a big ego thing. Yeah, I do this to Aaliyah sometimes. I'm sure Aaliyah does it to me sometimes.
Speaker 2:Oh no, I'm definitely I'm thinking about. I'm actually thinking about how important it was for your healing journey and our relationship growth journey when I stopped bringing up things from the past. And then I feel like you've kind of gone through this process of realizing that you need to gain some trust back from me, for different reasons or whatever, for either the way that I've communicated to you in the past or whatever, and I think you're working through those feelings right now that I had to work through and realize that I had to do it. So it's kind of cool to see that evolve.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, and I think that this is another one that's just, it's huge. On the communication front, I think you need to again have this conversation specifically with whoever you may be having this issue with, and I'm not saying during the heat of the moment, that is not the time to bring this up. When they bring something up from the past is not the time for you to say it really bugs me that you do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because they're not listening, they can't yeah.
Speaker 1:When those emotions are thrown in there, it's just so difficult for all of us, I think, to swallow our pride and let go of our egos enough to get to the space where we are willing to problem solve. I think the time to bring this up is maybe just during a time where everything's great. It might not be the time that you want to bring it up because everything is going so well. Yeah. But that's the time when both of you are in a healthy space to listen and to love each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and remembering to come into those situations, remembering they're not trying to bring up shit from the past. You're trying to problem solve, like maybe you need to come up with a sentence together that's like hey, family meeting, hey, like time out, I don't know like team meeting, like we're having. We're having our, our freaking play, whatever it is they go through in practice, we're watching film together. Let's realize, let's figure out how we can move past our issues, work on it. Also, make sure we're holding each other accountable, because you don't want somebody who's just never going to bring up like never hold you accountable for what you say or what you've done or whatever, because that's shitty too. You can't just pretend everything is rainbows and butterflies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and maybe even having the conversation with them of some of those things that have happened in the past. Maybe things that keep getting brought up, keep getting brought up. Maybe ask them hey, is there something, something there that you're still holding on to? Is there something there that's still bugging you, and that's why this is there something?
Speaker 2:is there something that I need to do to build my trust in that more, because then that's taking the blame and holding the accountability? I'm just trying to think of, like you and I, if we were in like the heat of a moment, how we would be able to, like, calm it down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that's the difficult thing is because all relationships are different and everyone's going to go about handling these things differently, and that's that's something that also is you need to figure out. To know is how you to handle things. How does the person that you're speaking to receive need to be spoken to, need to be talked to on the situation, so that they aren't feeling upset, aren't feeling pressured, whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2:I saw this quote that said um, loving somebody isn't loving them the way that you are loved. It's learning how they are loved, how they receive love, and loving them that way. You're supposed to be the one that, like, loves you the way that you love to be loved. You're supposed to be the one that, like, loves you the way that you love to be loved. And then you need to share with your partner this is how I love to be loved, or this is how I receive this, this or this. I don't like it. When you say this, this or this to me. Could we maybe, if I said it like this, would it help you respond like that, like, talk about these things. We've had to say those things to each other Because we had no idea how to communicate with each other. We didn't, we were shit at it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:But I did want to talk about one thing before we move on, and then we can move on to the next one. I'm literally holding my hand like this, so I remember to talk about one thing before we move on and then we can move on to the next one. I'm literally holding my hand like this, so I remember to talk about it when you were talking about how, like the heat of the moment might not necessarily be the time to talk about, it Almost never especially when you are new at learning how to communicate, when you're new at learning how to problem solve.
Speaker 2:you need to take the step back Now, Jason and I I we have worked on this so hard that we can stop in the middle of arguments but not always, though.
Speaker 2:No, and it's a new temper yeah, it's kind of a new thing that, like we're trying to figure out how to do um, so we're trying to give ourselves grace in that area and like move on and not let it drag us down and think that we haven't actually changed and evolved and done things differently, you know, but the reason that that is is our brains. Literally, your amygdala is literally like flipped. You cannot like. When your emotions are that heavy and things are happening that quickly and your stress response is that crazy, which goes into hormones and everything like that, it's literally that's my mom calls it like flipping the lid. My mom learned this in a training that I think I was actually at. It was really cool to learn about this because it literally your lid is flipped, flipped. You cannot like.
Speaker 2:Unless you teach your brain how to deal with these things. Your lid, your brain, is quite literally like your lid is flipped. Your amygdala is going and like take it over. So you need to like calm it back down so that you can like actually come to things in like a clear mind. So, quite literally, scientifically, it is not the time to like if you guys cannot communicate with each other and then you're just yelling and blaming and blaming, and blaming, and blaming, blaming because you don't know how to communicate with each other is that shit's not gonna help. Take a breather. It's okay to come back. It's okay to calm down for a minute, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, okay. Next one is reconnecting, after we've pushed each other away for a long time. Not sure if I want to. I'm just going to say right away First thing. First, you need to know if you want to or or not. I think that's the first thing you need to decide and I think that that's something that you and your partner should decide together, because I do know that this is specifically a marriage and, um, I think that you guys need to decide that together. Do you want to be together, and what is it going to take for you guys to be together? Yeah, I mean, I think that you guys need to decide that together. Do you want to be together?
Speaker 1:And what is it going to take for you guys to be together? Yeah, I mean, I think you probably need to focus on the reasons why you pushed each other away to begin with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, are you holding resentment, are you?
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, obviously there's resentment, there's negative feelings there. They wouldn't have pushed each other away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so like figure out what those things are yeah, and and yeah, I mean, if I mean that's tough, not sure I want to maybe that's something that maybe you should let them know, that that's exactly where you're at. Yeah, and I'm not saying that that's by any means an easy conversation, that's, that's tough and the amount of vulnerability that you would have to have to have that conversation is is difficult, but I mean if if we want things to work out in the long run, then it's these. It's freaking hard conversations that you have to have yeah and yes.
Speaker 1:You can avoid these types of conversations for maybe years, maybe decades, decades, but eventually, something's going to happen. Well, and if it doesn't, then maybe you spend a whole lifetime not really being happy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like that sucks. Um and how can you love yourself when you're, like always miserable? How can you love anybody else Like that's? That sounds horrible. I don't want to live a life like that, and I'm sure that you don't either. I would hope that you don't, honestly, but I also think it's going to take you having to swallow your own ego and your own pride when it comes to these conversations, and I would hope that your partner could do the same, and if they can't, then also understand.
Speaker 1:That right there is what makes all of these questions so difficult.
Speaker 2:You have no idea how the?
Speaker 1:partner is going to respond yeah or not. I mean for us, I mean you probably know these people a little bit better than I do, but for me this is all like. I mean this is brand new I don't have any idea who these people are and so not knowing who they are and how they respond to things. It's difficult because I just don't know exactly what you're getting yourself into here. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, you're getting yourself into here. Yeah, yeah, no. And and honestly I think that's literally one of the reasons that we're doing this show is because we want to show how important it is for both partners to be able to put their pride and their ego aside and just be like this is our lives, like let's take control of this shit together and be so real with each other communicate, communicate, communicate yeah, connect, connect, connect.
Speaker 2:Like it's all about that. It's all about like how deep of a connection and how deep of a life and how deep of a relationship do you want to have? Because I know so many people that are longing for that shit Longing. And when I'm telling you, I know a lot of people in this situation of being single or being married or being unhappy or being happy or having kids or not having kids I see so many people a day or not having kids. I see so many people a day. I have 90 clients coming to my office on a monthly basis that I talk to.
Speaker 2:There are so many of us that feel the exact same way in our relationships, like we have to talk about these things. This is how you problem solve anyways. I think that that really comes down to where you guys at. Where do you want to be? Do you have the same ambitions and goals and not ambitions? I shouldn't say that. Do you have the same picture in mind when you think of what you want your life to be like? Have you shared that picture with each other?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and for the questions that we have talked about so far, and even the ones that we're going to talk about, I will tell all of you read the Four Agreements. It's just such a great book and it really, if you follow it the way that you're supposed to, it will tell you how to let go of your ego, how to not take things personally, and when I say that, it doesn't mean if someone says, fuck you, you're not upset by it it means that if someone says something that they're not intending, you might take it in a way that that they didn't intend it and you're offended by something that wasn't even meant to be offensive or said in an offensive way, offensive tone.
Speaker 1:I mean that book, just. I think it will help so many people to kind of hit that reset button. Yeah. That's what it did for me when I was reading it.
Speaker 2:You know it was a nice little okay it was a like real good push in the right direction.
Speaker 1:It's to like I finally understand how I might go about doing something, because you're always like I want to do that, but I don't know how yeah, well, and, and, with all these questions and and specifically this most recent one of reconnecting after pushing each other away for a while, I just really feel like we need to focus on not just our relationship together, but ourselves as individuals, because, that's where a lot of this starts is what's going on with us individually?
Speaker 1:yeah, and at the end of the day, you know, it says not sure if I want to.
Speaker 2:Um, unfortunately, it's not always meant to be yeah, like you might decide that, you might decide together that you aren't, you are not even together. Maybe if, like, if you, if you need to leave, you need to leave, but I think that it's worth evaluating that.
Speaker 1:Oh, always. And you've entered into that commitment together and there was. There was something there at the start that made you love each other. Yeah, there was something at the beginning that made you want to stick it out and, freaking, go through this crap that we call life. Yeah, um, and maybe just rekindling some of that and allowing yourselves to feel that young love, if you want to call it. Yeah, yeah. I think this is something that gets more and more difficult the longer that you've been with somebody.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's not easy to spend years and decades with the same person, all the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like shit happens. Not only that, but I don't want to say it gets boring, but you know things yeah, it gets mundane it wears off. That honeymoon phase wears off all of a sudden. It's not like rainbows and butterflies. Every time they walk in the room it just becomes oh, you know, they're just walking in the room, that's just life, yep yeah, yeah, no, I totally agree.
Speaker 2:Well and honestly, like I think in the last month or so, I've kind of come to this realization that, like you and I, we really do need to figure out our, our lives outside of each other. And I am so glad that we've spent the time together that we have, because we've done a lot of hard work and it hasn't been easy, like it's been hard, but now we need to learn how to like love ourselves as ourselves and not because I love Jason, because he loves me and I love myself because Jason loves me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that reminds me of something that we talked about in therapy quite a while ago. Talked about in therapy quite a while ago um, our therapist brought up to us that you don't love somebody for what they do for you. You love somebody for who they are yeah that's.
Speaker 2:I really like that because it just puts into perspective like we shouldn't be like keeping this tally of things that people do for us attached to like their value or their ability to be loved by us.
Speaker 1:We should love people just because of who they are and the fact that they are their own people and have their own interests and likes and hobbies, and hopefully your partner can be interested in sharing the things that they love with you and also you're interested in the things that they love because they are their own people yeah, and I think it's something that probably all of us do at some point, if not most of the time just with where we are in society, I guess, and the way that we've been brought up and the things we've been taught, we tend to say, oh, I love that you make me feel good, I love that you cook for me. Whatever the case might be, those are not the things that we should be focusing on. Like Aaliyah said, we need to focus on not the things that they do that are good for us, but just the way that they are as people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I think that people's love languages and how they receive love. It's important to understand that about your partner so that you can show them love the way that they receive it. And that's not necessarily what we're talking about, because I feel like your love languages can evolve and change all the time. You know what, what makes you feel love, can change year after year or even moment after moment. And it's not that you necessarily don't feel love from one of the you know five languages or whatever, because we all feel love from all of those things. But it's more like you shouldn't love somebody just because they're showing you love and you shouldn't love yourself just because somebody else is showing you love. You should love yourself and you should love each other because you're worthy of being loved by just existing and being and showing up as you. And if you can't show up authentically and you can't show up as you, then you're not going to be able to have those real deep conversations with the people around you, because you don't even know yourself with the people around you because you don't even know yourself. So, anyways, I think it's just really important to get down to the bottom of who you are and be comfortable with yourself. Be vulnerable with yourself so that you can be comfortable and vulnerable with other people.
Speaker 2:But that's where we're going to end today's episode. We are going to answer the second half of questions next week. The episode will be dropping, so make sure you tune in. We're going to talk about differences in parenting, dealing with a partner being unemployed, alone time into intimacy but not sex, talk about having kids in the situation and also just learning how the other person communicates and their trauma responses. So make sure you tune in next week and we'll talk more over on Instagram. See you guys.
