TALK IT OUT
Welcome to Talk It Out, the thought-provoking podcast that brings engaging discussions, insightful interviews, and interactive segments right to your screen. Our dynamic hosts dive deep into a wide range of topics, exploring the complexities of life, relationships, current events, and much more. With expert guests, lively debates, and a belief in creating an inclusive space, Talk It Out challenges conventional wisdom, encourages critical thinking, and fosters understanding and empathy. Through interactive segments and viewer participation, we ensure that your voice is heard and valued. Join us on this exhilarating journey of discovery, where every episode is a gateway to enlightenment and connection.
TALK IT OUT
S1 E5 Part 2 - Effective Communication for Stronger Family Bonds
Have you ever wondered how different parenting styles affect your relationship dynamics? On this episode of Talk it Out, we dive into the nitty-gritty of balancing responsibilities and freedoms between partners. Jason and Alyiah open up about their own experiences with varying parenting methods and how honest communication has been their saving grace. They share practical tips on fostering a loving household despite the inevitable challenges.
Balancing household tasks when one partner is unemployed or stays at home can be a minefield. Through personal stories, we discuss managing everything from pet care to emotional support. We emphasize the importance of empathy and effective communication in understanding each other's roles. We also tackle the tricky transition back into work after a period of unemployment, offering valuable insights on maintaining a balanced partnership where both individuals feel appreciated and understood.
Self-care isn't just a buzzword—it's essential for maintaining healthy relationships. We explore the necessity of alone time and mental health awareness, especially for parents juggling multiple responsibilities. Understanding your partner's communication style can make a world of difference, and we cover strategies for improving this aspect of your relationship. By sharing honest and compassionate dialogue, you can foster a happier, more fulfilling partnership. Join us for a heartfelt discussion on navigating the complexities of family life, enriched with personal anecdotes and actionable advice.
Welcome to Talk it Out. We're your hosts. I'm Jason.
Speaker 2:And I'm Aaliyah, let's get into it. Okay, a difference in parenting, his freedom and my lack of. Are we saying like he gives the kids too much freedom, or you feel like he has more freedom in life as you? What do you?
Speaker 2:think it could be both right. I mean, I guess we could kind of talk about both difference in parenting. I think that being willing to sit down and have those really vulnerable like how would you handle situations because this is really how we've gotten to know each other so well is like how would we handle this situation? Because there were both times where you and I said that we didn't want the other person to be a parent with us. Yeah, we said it out of like anger, but those things were coming from like true feelings and those were like shitty things that we said to each other.
Speaker 1:But we realized that we needed to have those conversations and also, I think, having Nola helped us a lot yeah because we but it's a little too late for that now yeah, no, jason and I look at like our dogs.
Speaker 2:They are our kids, because we don't have any kids like and they are our responsibilities. And they are like I swear dogs. Just they go from baby to freaking toddler and then they just stay a toddler um and they just stay a toddler Having a difference in parenting his freedom and my lack of. I think it's supposed to. I think it's like two separate things.
Speaker 1:So I think it's like they have differences in parenting and then they feel like he has more freedom. Yeah, like maybe not having to do as much with the kids and stuff yeah, more responsibility is on more I mean that to me this is just strictly communication. I think it just either way.
Speaker 2:Those things just need to be brought up and discussed you know and it's, but how might you bring that up?
Speaker 1:this is. It's so hard for me to say, like with all these questions like how might I bring it up?
Speaker 2:because, like I said, it's no, we're literally supposed to talk. Like I said in this, it's like our now, this is like our opinion. How would we handle?
Speaker 1:this. That's fine. But just because we would handle it like that doesn't mean it would come even close to helping them handle it no, but they might just see how it might be communicated. I don't know, this is a weird one.
Speaker 2:I think it's weird to you because you don't have kids, but I feel like you need to look at it from a different angle.
Speaker 1:No, it's weird to me because I just don't understand what's being asked really.
Speaker 2:Difference in parenting. They have different parenting styles. You know for a fact, this is what they mean by it his freedom and my lack of one feels like they have freedom and they the other doesn't yeah, you should speak more on this as a woman. I love you.
Speaker 1:What.
Speaker 2:I love that you said that, because you're right, you're right, so I'll talk. Okay, I think I know this couple. I know that it is like a man and a woman. I know their situation, um, and so I know that the wife feels like the husband has more freedom, and I honestly think that when you are in a committed relationship and you have kids together, especially and you're making that work you're co-parenting together.
Speaker 1:Well, I just also feel like part of why I'm getting confused here is because I have no idea what age kids we're talking about. Like, if we're talking about babies and we're talking about six-year-olds.
Speaker 2:That's completely different things Toddlers, toddlers, babies, young family.
Speaker 1:Because you know, know, if you're, if it's a baby, the mom is gonna spend more time breastfeeding and, yeah, doing this and that you know it's, there's more responsibility you want me to specifically say what their like situation is just like age wise if it's something that's not gonna, yeah, I them or something, no, I'm not going to say names, it's not anything like that.
Speaker 2:So, young family, probably around our age. They have a, I think, four or five year old and they're about to have a new baby on the way, like due at the beginning of July.
Speaker 3:Young family, they're about to have a new baby on the way, Like due at the beginning of July.
Speaker 2:Young family. They're committed to each other. Like. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think that it really comes down to like you guys are trying to make it work, like you're trying to have this family and stay together and love each other and be committed to each other, and I think that you need to have the conversation and come to the realization, especially the dad, the husband, that role, that role like put your ego down, put your pride down and listen to your partner, listen to what they need to feel more supported.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I don't think this situation is always cut and dry. Yeah, I think.
Speaker 2:I mean, is this a situation where the mom's at home and the dad works.
Speaker 1:No, they both work. They both work. Yeah, I mean especially then, you know, if it's a situation where one parent works and the other doesn't, then I can see where it's a little bit more responsibility, you have a little bit more responsibility, but also, at the same time, you still need help. You have entered an obligation to have a child that you need to take care of. Yeah, it doesn't matter if you spend 100 hours a week working. You still need to set aside time throughout the week to focus on your child.
Speaker 2:Yep, your partner deserves that, the child deserves that.
Speaker 1:You deserve that Right of that right, and if I mean if both, if both of y'all are working and having you know the same amount of responsibility in that aspect, and they're like eight months pregnant. Yeah then, then I do feel like, you know, it should be probably pretty close to 50 50 type thing when it comes to the kids, the responsibilities in the, the responsibilities in the house and the responsibility of caring for the child.
Speaker 1:I'm definitely not ever going to buy into the opinion of just because you're a male doesn't mean that you don't have to take care of kids, or you don't know how to take care of kids or whatever yep um, you were a kid once you know how you were supposed to be taken care of yeah show up.
Speaker 2:If you can't show up for your child, then show up for little you. You know what it felt like to have a parent not there.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so Sorry, I got deep.
Speaker 1:I think having the conversation with each other of this is where we're at with parenting and specifically with the differences in parenting styles. That's probably something that all parents go through. Every single one of us was brought up by a different set of human beings and we were taught different things.
Speaker 2:We have different expectations.
Speaker 1:We have different understandings ways that we want to parent, that are almost ingrained in us because it's the way we were parented. And sitting down and having a conversation of if our child is acting in this way. This is how I would like to handle it. How do you think we should handle it? That doesn't mean that you're going to agree on it.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:But you may be able to come up with a compromise. Yeah, some sort of a compromise as far as okay, you want to handle things this way. I want to handle things this way. Maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle, as long as it's healthy for everyone involved, and figure out a way to approach these situations so that everyone feels validated.
Speaker 2:Right, validated right, well and honestly. I think this also brings in a. It brings in a pathway of being able to realize how your how this yeah?
Speaker 2:um, how your partner was raised. What hard things did they go through? Because there's been moments where you and I both have been like I'm sorry that you shouldn't have been raised like that. And it's so validating and you're like you're right, that wasn't okay, just because it wasn't something that stood out in my mind or whatever. But you're right, I don't want my kids to experience that. And it doesn't mean that your parents are awful, horrible and they might be, yeah, but it doesn't mean that they are. They could have been doing their hardest and and I think for the most part they were. Our parents didn't have these tools, but we do.
Speaker 2:It's important to like absorb that responsibility, I think when you become a parent, so like talk to your co-parents. We're all co-parents. I hate that co-parents is a term where it's like it doesn't mean that you're together, because it's like, no, we all are co-parents. Okay, my boyfriend has been unemployed for a year and it makes me resent him because I work so hard. I'm assuming that this. Does this mean that you guys live together and kind of do you pay bills together? I'm assuming Costume live together and kind of, do you pay bills together? I'm assuming, yeah, I mean that's, that's really hard, but I think that it comes to like sharing your emotion and coming to them in a non-accusatory way. Hey, um, you know, like, how are you doing with job? Is there anything I can do to help you get you there? Like, I really need you to start working. I've been taking a lot of the responsibility and I need you to consume more of it.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm not even necessarily having a job in the traditional sense.
Speaker 1:You know, because it doesn't. I mean it says that they resent. They feel resentment because they work so hard. Based off of this sentence alone, it doesn't seem like it's necessarily just about the money, but sometimes you can feel that resentment just strictly based off of I just went out and busted my ass for 10 hours and I come home and they're just laying on the couch watching TV and that's like. I've been there, you've been there in this same relationship yeah, two different sides of the coin where, when I was in the army and you know, doing, working hard, doing all that crap, yep, there were times where I would come home and it would be like, oh, like you just hope you had a great day hanging out with dog all day. Well, it wasn't even it wasn't the dog though.
Speaker 2:Well, I guess it was when we were living with Henry, because I did, I did do the nanny, I did, I was a nanny. And then, um, I, once we got, once we got Nola, it was like, okay, I'm taking care of Nola all day. And you were like more okay with the fact that I didn't work because I had, I had the responsibility of Nola all day long, because you knew, when you got home, when she was a puppy, I was like you need to go take her to the bathroom. And you were like, heard, I will take her to the bathroom because you knew that I was with her all day long.
Speaker 2:But imagine like having a kid and being a stay-at-home mom, okay, like you've been with the kid all day long. And then the husband gets home and they're like I just got off of work, even if you need some time. It's like, hey, I need 30 minutes in the room to decompress. Then I'm out here and I'll play with the kids for a minute. You can go take a bath, you can go take a walk, go do something to give yourself some love Every single day. They should have the opportunity to do that, because that's like a basic human like go take a shower. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:And for us specifically. I once I finished with school and I was no longer going to school, no longer working a traditional job, I started helping you at the office with your business, and now there's the podcast stuff too. But at the same time, that's not all that I do. At the same time, that's not all that I do. I also absorb the responsibility of I mean a lot of the responsibility of taking care of the dogs. I clean the house, and so it's not like I just have no responsibilities.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you do the yard and so if that, yeah, mowing the lawn. You know all the stuff around the house fixing things.
Speaker 1:If the issue comes down to you're struggling because you work hard and they don't essentially do anything, then maybe have a discussion to help them find ways that they can fulfill certain responsibilities around the house or, whatever the case may be, help with finances. Then I think that's where things get a little bit more tricky, because I can see where somebody who's unemployed, having their significant other, come into the conversation and say like hey, I need you to be working, I need you to be doing more around the house, else you at that point are putting a lot on their ego where it's like. Are they the type?
Speaker 1:of person that's going to be able to take that yeah and say, okay, what can I do more to help out then? Or is it going to be a conversation of, oh my gosh, like why are you telling me this? Yeah, you always tell me I need to get a job.
Speaker 2:Like, I'm trying to get a job, yeah, whatever the case might well, and when people react like that, I think it is important to think like, oh, I might have activated their like pride and ego right there.
Speaker 2:It's a time to evaluate the way that you're saying things too, because that also matters, um, and also, I think, coming to them and saying, hey, if they do, let's say they do absorb a lot of the house things, but they're not making money or whatever, because I've told you, if you didn't get your disability, then you would need to have a job. There's a reason that you can't absorb, because in this economy, baby like, we need two incomes. So if you didn't have that, you would have a traditional job and we would have to figure out how to split responsibilities. I think that's important too, is it goes down to thinking about your partner and thinking if I was at home all the time, would I want to be the one doing the dishes every single time? No, no, I fucking wouldn't. I would like somebody to do it every once in a while. So I try to do that for you.
Speaker 1:And I think you just need to go into this situation with a little bit of empathy, Because if your boyfriend has been unemployed for a year, I mean we're talking 365 days of not going to work. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Not having to get up at a certain time and be on the clock, and so when you ask anyone not just with this situation, but if you ask anyone hey, I need you right now to start doing what you were doing one year ago. That's not an easy transition for them to make and I think it might seem a little bit unfair as I say this, but you need to give them grace and and and try and support them and work with them to get to the point of, okay, I can go in, I can go work, yeah, every single day, yeah, and because it it gets right back into the a routine it's
Speaker 2:a whole different routine and we are creatures of habit. We get used to our habits that's what I'm saying, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he spent a year unemployed of training his brain to live a certain way, yeah, and then trying to snap your brain out of that all of a sudden and just be like boom, we're going right back into this. For me in my life, when I was in those situations and I would just try and jump both feet into something, it was something that wouldn't last long, you know. I might go get a job, but then I might quit three weeks later. Yeah, because it's just, it was overwhelming, too much from what I was used to, and so maybe you can start off with little things here and there A part-time job, driving a couple days for DoorDash, or something.
Speaker 2:Anything that helps kind of get those gears going again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure, and I think, both partners coming at it with a sense of but your boyfriend's going to have to be in a place where he is willing to listen to what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Because it is his choice. At the end of the day, and you also have a choice you don't have to stay in this relationship. That is one of the realities.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And if he's not willing to change and you need him to change and you want him to change, I think it comes down to a need. If you're in a committed relationship that and he's not willing, then I think it's worth looking at that, but also it's also worth looking at your feelings and thinking. Am I willing to put the time and the energy into building this man back up? Because I'm going to be honest with you right now We've had to learn so much about the difference between male and females in our relationship, because that is the relationship that we are in, and that male scoreboard, that male ego, that male pride is hurt and it needs like it needs a soft, feminine response to snap out of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because he's probably.
Speaker 2:He probably feels like shit.
Speaker 1:He probably resents himself for not working. Just like you feel, like you resent him too he resents himself for not working.
Speaker 2:just like you feel like you resent him too. That's how it has happened in our relationship, so I wouldn't be surprised if it's happened in theirs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I just wanted to say real quick, when Aaliyah and I ever talk about, I mean with these questions, there's been a couple times that we've mentioned the fact that you know you don't always have to stay in the relationship. That's not to say that that that's the answer. No, that should be one of your like last resorts yeah, in my opinion if you're in a committed relationship.
Speaker 1:I think what Aaliyah is saying is if, if you are doing all you can to talk to your boyfriend and say this is where I'm at. I really need you to help me on this, if you're going about it in a way that is loving and caring, and it's just not getting through. That is what we're talking about. When you have exhausted all options and the significant other the partner, is just not giving you an ounce. That is when when we're saying, okay, maybe it's time to explore the possibility of not being in this relationship.
Speaker 1:But, that's only after you've done all that work to try and make things work.
Speaker 2:Because I think the first option that we try might not work. We need to be willing. We have to be willing in partnerships and as humans to change and evolve. We have to be willing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and again professional help. Yeah, because it's not easy at all, but Leah and I, like we always say on this show, we are not professionals and a lot of these questions, a lot of these issues, if not all of them, are things that should be, handled by a professional.
Speaker 2:Well, and one of the reasons that we have insight is because we've had similar issues in our relationship that we have worked past, and we have worked past because we have gone to therapy and some of this insight is literally insight from our therapist's mouth. The male scoreboard that is from our therapist's mouth.
Speaker 1:Well, and also with therapy. I understand that it's not always a feasible option for everybody. Therapy is expensive. It costs a lot of money. Some people just really really aren't in a place where they're willing to go down that road. Yet If you're not able to find professional help, then maybe there's somebody in your life that you could look to as an example, Somebody who maybe has been through a similar circumstance and you can ask them how did you guys deal with this?
Speaker 2:well, and I think that it's important to to also understand if you're going to be asking people for advice, please understand that if you don't take that advice, like don't keep coming back to them. They aren't a licensed professional, you know what I mean. Like you need to be willing to take that information and that criticism, set your own pride and ego aside and like if you want change for your life, then you need to absorb this information and it doesn't mean you're going to follow it exactly, but take the time to evaluate your belief system around it. How, like why you think the way that you think. Evaluate your own behavior anyways. Should we do the next one?
Speaker 2:yeah okay, so we have three different topics kids, time alone, intimacy but not sex. So I think we hit a really good point about kids and parenting and stuff with the other question, so we'll just say time alone. I think it goes down to we've had to learn that time alone is really important time alone from kids or time alone from each other.
Speaker 2:I think time alone, like period alone, like you have your alone time, no kids, no partner. I think that that's something that you have to prioritize in your marriage and it's something you have to talk about and plan honestly. Make sure that there's no conflicting things. Hey, you got the kids. Yeah, by the way, like dads don't babysit their own kids, they parent. So you need to watch your own children and you need to know their routine, because you are there for it every single day when you're a parent. That is your responsibility anyways. Rant over it's important, I don't know. I just feel like alone time is so important sure literally.
Speaker 2:Sometimes that for me just means I'm gonna go take a bath yeah and like for you it's like, hey, I'm gonna play some games and I'm like cool, like we need separate time away from each other. Yeah, I think it does get a lot more difficult when you have kids, for sure, because it's I'm going to play some games and I'm like cool, like we need separate time away from each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it does get a lot more difficult when you have kids, though For sure, but somebody needs to be home.
Speaker 2:You need to take the, you need to.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, for sure when it comes to Like you need to take time off when it comes to alone time in that sense Like yeah, one parent can handle the kids while the other goes and hangs out with the girlfriends or hangs out with the guys or does whatever, but time alone from the kids together, that's where it gets difficult that's like okay, now we need to like find a babysitter or something like that. Yeah, you don't have the money for a babysitter. Now what do we do?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah Well, I honestly like I've seen people who they put their kids to bed together in the evening and then they spend some time together in the evening because they both have these jobs. Like when you're married and you have a family and you have a partner and you're doing life with somebody or you have kids, your life has changed. You can't go hang out with guy friends every day. Kids your life has changed. You can't go hang out with the guy friends every day. You, you can't go. You can't play games with the guys all night. Every night. You have different responsibilities you're not a kid anymore.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the girls you focus on the guys. Well, it's just because I'm that's the place I'm coming from, because I am a girl, but I also see it from the other side too, and because you can't go with the girls every night, you can't you just can't be away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like you have other responsibilities that those things are important and they should be important. And if let's say, like you know, we have a mom, a dad and kids, dad works, mom works, like you guys can sit down and figure out a schedule like, hey, this, these days that work for me aren't as crazy, so when we get home I'll entertain the kids for a little bit. How about you go do a nice self-care bath and then we'll come out, we'll figure out dinner. Maybe you do dinner. I get a break at that point. Or if it's a stay-at-home parent and a working parent, like you can do I'm literally just trying to problem-solve right now. So you could have like.
Speaker 1:These questions are harder for us because we have no idea what it's like to have kids.
Speaker 2:We have no idea, like, but here's the thing. The thing, though, is, it's good to talk about these things. It's okay that we're talking about these things because we might have kids in the future, um, but if somebody's a stay-at-home parent and somebody's not, maybe it's like a hey, I get home from work, I just need 30 minutes to decompress, whether that's like going and sitting on the toilet and just like scrolling on my phone or laying on the bed shutting the door. Like I just need 30 minutes to decompress after work, and then I will come out and I will spend time with the kids, and you can go like just go do something for yourself that you want to do today, and that doesn't mean that you leave for an hour and go shopping or whatever, because your job, you are going to be with the kids more, but I think that there should be special special occasions that are like planned out for the month, like, hey, this weekend, on this day, let's all go do this together as a family. This I'm gonna, I'll I'll be with the kids.
Speaker 2:You go do whatever you want. You want to go plan a boys day? You want to go plan, like, to hang out with some friends? You want to go up to the mountains by yourself. Cool, do it like. Then the next time it's my turn. Like you guys are in a partnership, it's together. Like you've got to figure out how to like blend your guys's lives and figure out what that balance is going to be where you guys both feel supported. You feel like things are equal responsibility. It doesn't mean it's the same thing. Like equal does not mean the same. Like I mean. What am I saying? It doesn't have like the same value.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean it kind of does I think, when you have kids no?
Speaker 2:no, I don't mean the same value. I'm trying to say the opposite of what I'm saying right now when you have kids.
Speaker 1:I do think, like if you're going to get two hours alone a week or whatever, the other person should get two hours alone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah yeah, it should be equal in that sense, right, but I also think that your responsibilities like if somebody's at home doing responsibilities more than somebody's at work those are still time that you're doing like you're working. It just is a different type of work.
Speaker 1:Well, if you're home and have kids, then you're always working. So if you're home and have kids, then you're always working so right.
Speaker 2:So I think that it's important to note that, like the people who are away working, they need to have like compassion for their partner that's at home yeah, because they're, that is like work. They need time to decompress, just as much as you, you know probably yeah, because they're not even away from like the house and like dealing with kids is a lot.
Speaker 1:I don't mean I don't have to have kids to know that, like if you're at home with the kids all the time, I know that you, like you're always doing something. Yeah, depending on the age, once they get older it's a little easier, right? But like young kids, yeah, younger kids, I mean up until they're probably like 14. Well, and that's You're having to keep an eye on them Right.
Speaker 2:That's like our demographic, that's our age group, so like we have friends that deal with these things and whatnot. So like I think that comes down to figure out how to connect, like if you need to connect at the end of the day together after dinner, after you put the kids to bed, hey, let's have an hour and that's the thing it's.
Speaker 1:That's another thing. It's difficult when you have kids, I would imagine is intimacy, sex all of it, yeah. I mean freaking. Nola wants to get in the middle of us when we're kissing.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And she wants to be the one kissing us. She's a dog.
Speaker 2:She loves us so much it's the cutest thing in the world.
Speaker 1:But just like having Nola, sometimesry will like bark at us and get mad yeah, I mean just having the dogs you know, they interrupt our intimacy in our alone time, um, and they're not even human beings, so I can only imagine how difficult it is to try and find that intimacy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's like when the kids are asleep and you guys just spend an hour together.
Speaker 1:Do something to connect, whether it's laughing at funny videos together at the end of the day, but also like how much energy at the end of the day do you really have for?
Speaker 2:intimacy.
Speaker 1:Well, that's why like intimacy that's not sex, is like you guys can laugh at funny videos together how much energy do you have to be doing that after you've been working all day, taking care of kids all day?
Speaker 2:I think you have to make the energy.
Speaker 1:I think so too. I'm just trying to look at it from like a realistic.
Speaker 2:I mean, yeah, but what's the other option? I think you literally have to make. It has to be a priority where, like it has to be something. Like you brush your teeth every day, I also do this every day, like we're creatures of habit yeah, well, I think it's just.
Speaker 1:I'm saying, when you do spend, expend so much energy in other places throughout the day that it could be difficult to muster up that energy of like okay, now I need to be sweet with the wife, I need to sit down you know, make, make her a dinner, get some popcorn hold your hand.
Speaker 2:But that's the thing, I think, where people struggle so much in relationships, especially male and female relationships, is because, like that's what a lot of women need to feel, that connection and that love and that emotional intimacy, emotional connection and men just think, oh, I'm here, showing up, is this, is my love? I'm here right now, I'm in this house.
Speaker 1:Well, not only from the perspective of I feel like I'm doing what they need me to. Yeah. And not even from a male-, a male female thing, but one person yeah, it could just be the way that they think and one person's need for intimacy and what intimacy looks like to them, yeah, could be completely different from this person's intimacy and what intimacy looks like for them yeah and so, again, it's the conversations that we need to have of.
Speaker 2:What does this look like for you?
Speaker 1:I feel like we need to be more intimate. Okay, what does that look like for you? Oh well, for me it looks like this. Oh, okay, that's interesting, because for me it doesn't look like that. It looks like this.
Speaker 2:But then it goes back to like love Loving somebody is loving them the way that they need to be loved. So you need to know these things about your partner or they're gonna end up not feeling love. They're gonna have resentment towards you. Your guys's relationship isn't going to be good. It might end in a way that you don't want your relationship to end I mean, or you'd like to say, it just is something where you go through life miserable with not necessarily miserable, but not as happy as you can be, you could be.
Speaker 2:yeah, like there's a possibility to be more happy, why not? Why not go for it? Totally agree, and I also think that it is important that sometimes to the to the male and female relationship um, actually, no, just one person to another is like they may need more emotional connection to be able to have and enjoy sex, and so if you feel like you aren't getting the amount of sex that you would like or the amount of emotional intimacy that you would like, and I think it comes down to like talking about those things that you need, those things.
Speaker 1:And I think intimacy changes throughout the course of a relationship For sure. Kind of like we were talking about earlier, there are certain, you know, there are certain edges, that kind of dull a little bit. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And things that used to make you feel intimate. Now they don't really make you feel that intimate anymore. Yeah, you've got to find what's the thing at this point in my life right now that makes me feel intimate, makes me feel loved, that makes me feel intimate, makes me feel loved Because what used to work when I was 18, 19 years old and my hormones were completely different, it just doesn't work that way anymore.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And as partners, we also need to be understanding of that because, at the end of the day, our partner's happiness and their and and us fulfilling their needs should be something that is important and is the forefront of the relationship and their wants.
Speaker 2:I think you know it's important, it's important as much as possible yeah, and obviously there might be difference of want or whatever, but that comes down to like you guys need to have the communication and the skills to talk about those things and to come from a place of understanding and grace and love and not take things so personally. But that's the hardest shit to do, okay? Last question learning the other person's communication style and trauma responses. Um, I know that this person is in a very new relationship, so, but like a committed, like a new committed relationship.
Speaker 1:They're asking, like how to do this, how to learn other persons?
Speaker 2:I don't know if they're asking how, but this is just their hurdle. That they're going through right now is just learning these things. I don't know. I really think it just comes down to like, if somebody is upset about something, or if you're upset about something, take it to your partner in a loving, understanding way of like, hey, you did this, and I know you may not have meant it this way, but this is how I took it. Could you explain it? Or hey, this is how I feel when you say this, this is how I feel when you do this, because your partner may not know that that's how they're making you feel, and I think that even comes down to your friendships. Honestly, it's okay in friendships to be like hey, I don't like it when you do this, or whatever. Like it's okay to have these deeper, lasting connections with people and we should, with multiple people. It's not just a partnership and marriage or whatever. It's just relationships in general. If we're around these people, we should understand the way that they communicate.
Speaker 1:Well, but I also think you need to be proactive in your learning of their communication style and their trauma responses, what they're saying and how they react to things, because you might be able to get things figured out that way, but it's going to take so long for you to sit there and just like analyze, nitpick everything and try and piece it all together and you probably are still have your biases in there when you do it like that right and and on top of that, you know, you, you try and learn just by viewing, just by listening, and, like Aaliyah said, there's some wires that could get crossed there, and then you're just completely misinterpreting what's going on. Yeah, I keep saying it, but with all these, it's communication. Yeah, the communication is just. It goes such a long way and I know that this specific question is, you know, trying to understand communication styles. But when you say that, I'm assuming you're talking about specific instances of miscommunication miscommunication.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know, if someone's presented with this obstacle, this is how they're going to respond and just, I guess part of it is the analyzing how they react to things and what they're saying and what they're doing. But you do need to take it that one step further of sitting down with them when the moment is right and the emotions aren't crazy, and yeah, you know saying hey, when, when you did this yesterday, this is how I took it. Is that how you meant?
Speaker 2:Well, this could even be like a good way to just communicate after you guys have had a miscommunication. In general, the feelings have calmed down, it's. You know, later that day come back to each other and say, hey, when you said this, I took it like this. Did you mean it? Hey? Like hey, you said that you were upset at me for doing X Y Z. If I approached it like this instead, or if I said it like this instead to get my point across correctly, how would you take that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that's a good way to handle the trauma responses.
Speaker 1:There's a reason we're acting the way that we're acting To handle the trauma responses, because there's a reason we're acting the way that we're acting. When it comes down to communication style, that is a little bit more loosey goosey for me. Like Somebody could change their communication style and it's not that big of a deal. Like you just need to evaluate yourself and If the way that you communicate Is improper or is not Beneficial, then yes, that needs to change. I mean simple as that. But when you're coming, when it comes down to, like, trauma responses, that is a whole, nother thing.
Speaker 1:Not to say that it doesn't need to change, but there should be a lot more grace and a lot more leeway given for trauma responses. Yeah. Because I mean, you could say something in a very specific tone. You can use a word that you don't know, that upsets them. And it could be reminding them of a time where they were physically or verbally assaulted.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I mean, the brain is just going to trigger right away.
Speaker 2:And it's going to send them into a frenzy. Yeah, it's quite literally like a brain response.
Speaker 1:Like your nervous system, it's like your self-defense. At that point, the response that you're getting is to protect, protect, protect, yeah, and so not to say that they don't need to work on those trauma responses because they do not just for you, but more importantly for themselves. Yeah, they need to work on retraining their neural pathways. Retraining their neural pathways to not respond to the things that they used to respond to in a negative way.
Speaker 1:Yep, but also you need to sit down and ask them hey, I've noticed, I've noticed that when I say this or when I do things in this way, you respond to me in this manner Is is there a reason why you do that? Is there you know something that you want to talk to me about that I can try and help you work through, so that we can get through this together? Because having that support and that help from someone of okay I know that when somebody says this to me I act like a jackass, but I don't want to, it's just the way that it goes but to have someone sit there and say I'm willing to help you work through this and we can try and figure out not only a way for you to handle it differently, but for me to approach things differently too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, for sure, sure, no, I completely agree with that. I completely agree with that. Um, I yeah, that was beautiful. I don't know. That's all I can say that was just beautiful. I love you.
Speaker 1:I love you okay.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think a good way that Jason excuse me a good way that Jason and I have learned how to communicate so well is because we've practiced so much, because I don't even I.
Speaker 1:I feel hesitant to say that we communicate so well.
Speaker 2:I think we're a lot better, but yeah put us in the category of we communicate no very well, for sure but we're learning, yeah so, and we've gotten better, but we we're still working on it and that's okay, like we're. We're totally fine to admit that. But, um, spending so much time just like in nature, connecting with each other, spending time together when we can, has been, like, really good for us and important for us. And kids need nature too. So if you have kids like have dogs, like we all need nature, so get outside people like. If you're at the peak sun, please wear sunscreen, please, um, but I understand needing to soak in some of the rays. Just consume the sun rays responsibly, please, um, morning and evening, when they're not as harsh. But anyways, please, just like, take care of yourselves. Like life is hard, you know what I mean. Like it comes down to having grace for yourself and for the people around you, because we all make mistakes, we all say and do stupid things.
Speaker 1:We all have and do stupid things we all have to apologize and again just seeking professional help if you can. Yeah, I think having that person who is educated in the realm of how the mind works goes such a long way in teaching us how to be really.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah and take it seriously. This is your life. You gotta grab it by the reins. You gotta take the reins. Gotta grab that shit by the balls. Alrighty, are we all set? Is there anything else that we need to do? Talk about.
Speaker 1:I don't think so.
Speaker 2:Okay, my birthday is June 29th, for all of those that needed to hear that, because I just said it was my birthday month. I didn't say what day.
Speaker 1:Cool beans.
Speaker 2:Cool, cool beans, cool beans. Okay, peace out home slice stupid.
