Ep 129: Toni Everard - The Hidden Rules That Are Capping Your Business Growth

Many business owners think they’re stuck because of something outside of them and outside of their control.

But often the real limitation is the rules they’ve created for themselves.

In this episode, Toni Everard explores the hidden rules business owners create around time, money and what they’re willing, or not willing to do in their business.

The problem is those rules are often designed to avoid repeating the past, rather than helping you create the future you actually want.

This episode is for people who want to grow their business but suspect the biggest limitations might be the rules they’re unconsciously living by.

In this episode, you will learn:

• Why rules around time and money often come from past experiences
• How the “pendulum swing” can quietly limit business growth
• The difference between avoiding failure and designing for success
• Why questioning your rules is often the first step to growth
• How an identity shift helps you get out of your own way

Sometimes growth isn’t about doing more.

Sometimes it’s about deciding the old rules no longer apply.

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Transcript

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You are listening to the Coaching Circle with Tony Everard, business and Mindset coach and your strategic thinking partner. This podcast is for those who want to step out of the hustle and glow in the flow. We'll talk about all things mindset, energy, and structure so you can evolve from the inside out and build a business that supports the life you want to live. Let's dive in. Welcome to this episode of The Coaching Circle, and today I'm talking about something that might be lurking somewhere underneath in your rules of life that is possibly capping your business growth. So warning. This episode may trigger you, and I don't mean in a traumatic way, but if you've got rules set up in life about how things are in for you and your business, uh, generally there's, they're there. Because there's been something that's happened in the past that you've created a rule around so you can avoid that happening again. And uh, and look, I'm all for rules. I think rules are good, but if we get stuck in a place where we have a set of rules that we think are never gonna change, then it's going to limit you because rules change all the time. But they change all the time. And this is something that you have to be aware of. And you know, for me, I, I've definitely recognized that I've had roles at different times in my life, and I'll share some of those with you. But what I also know, and this is something that I tell myself all the time now, is I always tell myself, never say never, right? And I say, never say never, because. I've lived long enough. Now I'm about to turn 51, and I've lived long enough to know that things change. My perception. Perception changes, my beliefs change. Different things in the world change where I. I've seen time and time before that I changed rules about, you know, what's happening in my life. Now, I'm not saying that this is necessarily things around morals or ethics or integrity or anything like that, but there are some rules. And, uh, so listen with an open mind and, uh, if anything triggers you good, that means there's something there for you to pay attention to. Uh, but otherwise you might just find this an interesting conversation. Either way, I'd love to hear, um, you know, what you get out of this episode. But this is something, like I said, I've, I've noticed it in myself, but I've also noticed with some very recent conversations that I've been having, and it comes up. Uh, around, well, it shows up in business a lot, especially around money and time, but also relationships. And I think relationships get closely tied into business as well. And these are the rules that we quietly create for ourselves. Rules about how much time we are willing to give something rules about how much money. We are willing to invest rules about what we will and won't do in our business. And most of the time we don't even realize that they're rules. We'll feel like that they are facts. Facts from our own life experience. And you know, just to give you a simple kind of example of this that you might be able to relate to, is that. Uh, there was a time in my life where I did not believe I was a morning person and I did not want to, uh, commit to anything on the weekend. And I was super glad that my child didn't do weekend sports. Uh, she did some stuff with her dad when she was at her dad's, but didn't have weekend sports because my rules were that I don't wanna be committed to anything in the weekend Now. I am still quite precious around my time on what it is I will commit to. But I know when something's important to me, I'll commit to it. No problem. There's, there's no problem at all. I can commit to things that I see value in and that, uh, I think are relevant, but there was a time when I, I didn't believe I was a morning person and didn't wanna commit to things on the weekend. Um, and now. For the last few years, I definitely believe I'm a, I'm a weekend person and, uh, I will commit to doing things on a weekend that's not even necessarily for my social life. You know, it's easy to commit to social things on the weekend, but, uh, to business things like I'll commit to doing a full day of a business course, um, you know, that I'm not getting paid for because I wanna go and learn. Right. I've, I'll do that. Um, there's a lot of things. I remember when I was still working in my job and I was learning in LP and going to a lot of trainings, and I was doing those trainings in my annual leave time, and there were people that saying, oh my God, Tony, are you actually like paying for these courses yourself and you are using all your annual leave to go to them? Because their rules were, they wouldn't do any kind of study for their career that they had to pay for outta their pocket. My rule was that I absolutely would,'cause I could see the value in it. Um, and now my rules are that like weekends are really good for me and in fact, I've got more of a rule now for myself that I don't like to go to bed later than about 10, 10 30 because I wanna get up in the morning. I've got things to do, right? So that's a rule that's flipped. A rule that used to be I need to be able to go out really late and not have anything to do in the morning is now. I don't wanna go out. Really late because I've got things to do in the morning. So rules can change, right? Rules can change over time and. Rules. Even when we think about what is the level of things that we'll invest in in our business can change over time. Uh, I remember when I first started my business and thinking about investing in a subscription to Kajabi at the time is what I had was gonna be over$200. Um, and that was too much money for me to invest in that. My rule was I'm not gonna commit to that kind of amount. Now I, like I use, I did end up using Kajabi for quite some time now. I use another platform and you know, I spend, I think about 250 or$60 a month on that platform alone, let alone what other subscriptions that I pay for. But that rule has changed, right? I'm. I'm not creating, like, I, I probably have a rule now that says I wouldn't pay a thousand dollars a month for a platform, but that rule could change if something happens in my life where I find something different. So it is really important that we think about these rules that we create and know that the rules that we create a contextual, uh, because the thing is, most of the rules that we create, like it could be, you know, what we are willing to spend or invest in. How much we're we're willing to invest in ourselves, uh, how much time or when we are prepared to work in our business or run our business. Um, for example, you might be like, I'm not working weekends, right? Uh, I was talking to a client the other day who was speaking about that used to have a role that says I'm not working weekends. Um, and that. It comes from past experiences, right? Where uh, if you've had to work in a job before and you had to work weekends and you got really resentful of it, you'll no doubt create a rule that says, I'm not working weekends, so if I'm going to have my own business, I'm not gonna make myself work. Weekends great. You can do that, right? You can do that, and that might work for you for some amount of time until it doesn't. Okay, so we have these rules. And these rules, I think, you know, often we see them as a pendulum swing, so it goes from one extreme to another extreme. So one extreme was I used to have to work every weekend or at nights or whenever my friends were doing things or whatever. And so now I'm gonna pendulum swing the other way and say, in my business, I'm not working at all on the weekend. Right? It's that full pendulum swing. But eventually. You might come back to, you know, like I am now, where I don't really mind if I work a bit on the weekend. I'm not generally client facing on a weekend. My client facing days have a lot of structure around them, but I like to get my hair done during the week. I like to get my nails done during the week. I like to go for a massage during the week. So there's all these things that I like to do during the week, which means I'm willing to do some things on the weekend when I don't have any other things to do. Right. So I don't need that old rule of I'm not working the weekend because it doesn't suit my life and how I want to live it now and how I can live it now. And so that's the pendulum swing, right? When we've had experiences where something didn't work and we felt like we didn't have control over that or. You know, where we were pushing too hard or something felt unfair, we can create a rule. And so we have that pendulum swing right to the other way that we create this rule that is designed to feel like protection for you. And it may feel like protection for a while, but over time those rules can quietly become the thing that limits your growth. So I wanna go a bit deeper into this so that you really get it and it makes sense and, and there's two really important rules that I see, or two areas where people make rules that are really important, especially when it comes to business and that are rules around time and money. Now people create rules about. You know, how much they're willing to invest in their growth. So, uh, you know, as I mentioned just before when I was still in my job and I was around other people that had a job, it was kind of outside of most people's rules, the amount of money that I invested in myself, right? Because even then it was tens of thousands of dollars that I invested in myself and my own learning and my own growth. Nobody else I worked with. Like would do that. That was against their rules. They're like, no, I go to a job and they pay me. I'm not going out to pay. I'm not going out to pay someone else to make me more valuable for somebody else's benefit. Right? That's the kind of rule that sits there. Whereas for me, I'm like, no, I'm so willing to invest in my own growth. For my own benefit and use up my annual leave time because I don't wanna stay at that job in the time. You know, that's like, I don't know, 10 years ago I didn't wanna stay in that job, so I had to change those rules to create the business that I have now. Uh, and I'm very, very glad that I did. Uh, other people will have times around how, uh, or rules I should say, around how much time are they willing. To dedicate to their business. And this can also come from being in a place where maybe, you know, you worked a job and you got burnt out, or you've tried business before and you got burnt out. But the thing about getting burnt out or how much time you're willing to spend is that you always have 24 hours in a day. Right. You always have 24 hours in a day and you are going to spend that in some way, and you'll feel resentment if you feel like you are spending your time in ways that doesn't benefit you, right, or that you think is gonna cause you some kind of loss or pain or something else. Now. This is really interesting, right? It's the same as like when people say, oh, I don't do cold calls. Now, I'm not suggesting anyone has to do cold calls in their business. It's not something that I do either. However, if you knew for an absolute fact that if you rang 10 people, that five of those people would say, yes, I wanna pay you$10,000, would you be willing to do cold calls? Like, I know I would. Right. I don't do them now, but the thing is, I don't believe that if I did 10 cold calls, that five people would be willing to pay me$10,000. So I'm not gonna do it. Right. Because I don't think it's actually a, a fair thing if I knew it was, and I'd seen a proven example of that. You bet. I've changed my rules about doing cold calls. Right. So that's just an example. Don't get your knickers in a twist. I'm not gonna say that you need to start doing cold calls. I'm just talking about the meaning of that. Um, and there's been other things in my business that I've looked at in the past that I've like, yeah, no, I wouldn't be prepared to do that, that I've changed my mind around. And even when I think about when I first, the first business coach that I hired. The first business coach that I hired, I remember I was very new in business and I met this person and I was very naive and I paid her$5,000, which was two and a half thousand dollars of that was for my website, which now like, just sounds crazy to me because, um, yeah, I've changed my website since then and it didn't cost me two and a half thousand dollars to build a pretty much brand new website. But, um, two and a half thousand dollars for the website, and then two and a half thousand dollars for some kind of business coaching. We used to go and meet, like meet her and honestly, I don't know. I, I certainly didn't get any clients out of it. I don't think I had any business growth out of it. I didn't even end up on really that good at terms with her by the end of it, because. She was extremely defensive and just couldn't deliver what she had said she would deliver. But I did learn a lot of things out of that whole process. I learned a lot of things out of that whole process right now. I could have had that experience and said, no, I had a business coach once, or I paid for a website once and I didn't get out anything out of it. So I'm not gonna pay anything for my business again now. If I had done that, I would be in a very different place today. But the truth is I've since gone on and invested, oh, more tens of thousands of dollars, and I've got it all back because I kept my focus on what my actual outcome was. What is I actually want to achieve? And so we have to be willing to think about the rules that we create. Why are they've been created and understand? Are they serving me in getting what I want or are they just protecting me from not having an experience that I've had before? This is really important, right? So you might have a rule, like I said, around, oh, I don't want, uh, my business to take over my life. That could be a rule, but a rule like that, um, you know, I'm not working weekends or I don't want my business to take over my life. A rule like that comes from a very disempowered place, right? It comes from a disempowered place. It comes from a place where there's probably not a lot of structure or boundaries or even results that are happening in your business. So we've gotta get really clear about that and realize that rules are only there. Those type of rules are only there to stop the thing that's happened in the past from repeating. But we need to make sure that they're not. Stopping you from creating something new in the future, that they're not there, uh, in a way that stops you from learning something new for you, evolving past where you were at that time in the past. And so this is what I mean around the rules that we create and why we need to be really clear about what they are and what their purpose is. And. Once we realize what are the rules we are creating that are holding us back, we need to be able to create new rules, right? Rules that empower us, okay? Not rules that are built around avoiding a past experience. But rules that are built for creating the future, you actually want to have, and as I mentioned, this is the pendulum swing, right? We often go through this pendulum swing, and the fact is you can't reject something that you haven't experienced. You can't reject something that you haven't experienced. So if you've got rules around your time or money or whatever, it's likely that you are rejecting something in the past that you've experienced. So you go from one extreme right through to the other. But we need to, then once we've had the ability to reject something, then we can come back to find some kind of equilibrium where we create new rules that are going to serve us and, and looking at that, perhaps the rules that we created where at a time in our life that isn't the same now. Right. Perhaps the, we can, the, the rules that you had in the past around your time and energy were when your kids were young or when you had a very different group of friends and social life, or when your partner had some different type of working arrangement or, you know, it could be a whole bunch of things that suited that time in your life. But we have to realize that life changes and that seasons change and that we learn things and that we create better boundaries for ourself, and we can get clearer about what it is that we actually want. And so when we can think about that, then we can really, we are in a better place to assess whether the rules of our lives are serving us or not. So. Often with these rules, like I said, they're, they're protecting something from the past, but there's a lot of hidden fears that go on behind these rules. So when you look at most of the rules around time and money, there's usually a fear sitting underneath them. And sometimes, like, it could be a fear of repeating a past experience. It could be the fear of wasting money. Right. That maybe comes from a previous experience you've had or an experience that your parents had and a way that they spoke about money. Uh, it could be the fear of failure, and if you fail, how's that going to impact other people? Sometimes it's simply the fear of putting yourself fully in the game. Right? Because if you invest the time and if you invest the money and you invest their energy into something that you really want, you then have to face the possibility that it might not work. And then what? That's uncomfortable, right? So the rule becomes a way to limit that risks, but the problem is it also limits the result, okay? It limits you from achieving your actual result and. What we want to be able to do is to create rules that are designed to ensure success. So imagine if you created some rules in your life that were a little bit different, some rules that were designed to help you, that you lived by. What if you had a rule that you always invest a certain amount of money in yourself and your business every year for growth? Right. So for me, for a few years, that rule was I invest around 20 grand a year into business coaching or something to do with my business. Now that's gradually crept up. Right. Um, and in the last year I've spent much closer to around$60,000 or more invested in myself and my business, and I'm sure that that is going to get me to the next level because it's a rule that I have. I know that I invest in myself to grow and do I also know that everything I've ever invested in the past, like. Didn't always work. Yeah, sure. But a lot of the things did. A lot of the things did. And I know that I will keep going.'cause one of my other rules is that I will keep going until right. I'll keep going until I get my result. So there is no fear of failure for me. It's like, will there be challenges along the way? Sure. But I, I am sure that if I focus on what I want and. That I put my energy into it and I keep myself on track, I will achieve what I set out to achieve. Okay, so that's one of, that's another rule that I have, right, is a rule that I have is I don't let myself wallow in self-doubt. I don't let myself wallow in the what if bad scenario stories. I just don't do it. It's a rule that I create for myself. You can also have, uh, rules around who you decide you're gonna be, you are going to become, or what, who you are willing to be or what you are willing to do. And so it could be that I make the rule that I'm committed to being the person who gets this result. I'm committed to having really strong boundaries. I might have rules that once I say I'm gonna do something that I do it. Right. These are all very different rules that you can create for yourself that will create a different outcome. And when I say there's, you know, I'm not saying that you need to, there's always risk involved in things. There is always risk. Whenever you invest in anything, there's always a risk. If you invest in business, there's always a risk, but. You have to also know that you gotta manage that risk. And I remember hearing, uh, a strategy that was shared that apparently come from Richard Branson and he had the, uh, risk, what was it, up the, the upside and the downside or something like that. This was, and basically anything he looked at, whether he was investing or whatever, he would look at what is the upside. Like, what will I get if this works out? And then he looks at what is the downside? And as long as it had a higher upside than a downside, so a good upside and a low downside, then he would take that risk. Okay. So, uh, we are gonna, you've gonna think about what that is for you and make sure that it seems, you know, right for you. Okay? So. This is when we build rules for ourselves.'cause we are creating a structure where we can back ourselves and create rules for ourselves that are designed for us to get the outcomes that we want. So these rules aren't built around fear. They're built around commitment, commitment to things working out for you. And this is where it's really important that we think about this. Uh, and this is the real shift because at some point in business you realize that growth isn't just about strategy and whether a specific strategy works for you or doesn't. It's about identity. It's about deciding. It's about who do I need to become in order to create the business and life I actually want. And being committed to that and being committed to it and knowing that in that becoming everything is going to be good in your world, right? You're not committing to something that's gonna make your life worse. You're gonna commit to something that makes your life better, and that in that space you will feel supported. You will feel like you back yourself in that that's what you deserve, and it's okay for you to have that. It doesn't mean it's okay with everybody else for you to have that, but I can guarantee you whatever you've got now isn't okay with everybody else Either. You are just backing yourself that it's okay for you to have it. Okay? So the person who creates meaningful success in business isn't constantly negotiating with themselves about what they're willing to do. They make a decision. They're willing to invest. They're willing to learn, they're willing to adapt. They're willing to do what's required, not from pressure, not from resentment, but from commitment to the outcome they actually wanna create. Okay? That's really important. It's a commitment to the outcome you actually wanna create. These are the rules that you wanna create for yourself. And so this does require a lot of getting out of your own way, and this is when we have to realize that what's the actual biggest obstacle in business? And doesn't matter how much you're gonna listen to the news or anything else, it's not the market, right? It's not the algorithm, it's not the economy. It's the rules that we quietly create for ourselves, right? It doesn't mean that the algorithm or the economy or the market might create some different challenges. Absolutely. It can. It's changing, and when things change, you have to be able to know how to overcome that and to navigate that change. But it's the rules that we quietly create for ourselves that are the biggest challenge. Rules about time rules, about money rules, about what we are willing to try, rules about what we believe will and won't work. And sometimes growth just simply requires being willing to question those rules and to ask yourself, are these rules helping me succeed? Or are they helping me to stay comfortable or in the comfort zone? Because building something meaningful in business usually requires. This really important identity shift and that is being willing to get out of your own way. Now, if you are feeling yourself a bit triggered going, yes, but you don't understand and I'm not gonna, I don't wanna be burnt out and da da da, go and listen to my previous episode, right? Which is around the fine line between burnout and business growth. You'll get a lot out of that as well. This is about the rules, getting awareness of the rules that you are creating for yourself, and you know, what are these rules? Sometimes we create rules that make it feel like we need permission to break those rules. Another example of this could be if you're going to invest in something and you feel like you need your partner's support and you've gotta speak to your partner about it. The thing that you've gotta realize in that space is that you are both grown adults and you don't actually need to ask for permission. You are asking for support, right? And when you realize that you are asking for support, it. Support comes from a place when you are backing yourself and how much you back yourself, and how much you believe that you are going to be committed to that outcome will influence how much someone wants to support you in that. Okay? If you are asking someone for permission, that really will come with the energy that you don't believe you are allowed to have the outcome. Okay. You still gotta negotiate. You still gotta make that work out with, um, your partner in whatever way. But you realize it comes back to a conversation around support, not permission, right? Permission is like someone's in control of those rules in your life. Support is around that. You are backing yourself and taking responsibility for your outcomes, and you are asking someone to support you in that. Uh, and if you think that your partner's not willing to support you, well then that's probably another whole conversation as well, which sometimes I have with people when helping them in that why are you in a relationship with someone who doesn't support you? Doesn't mean that it's the end of the road, but sometimes it's something that we need to re-look at. So thinking about that, and it's the same. You can have the same conversations about your time and everything like that. And in fact, that is a really. Important thing that I see with people when it comes to time.'cause if you've changed your role, so for example, um, you know, you might've used to more identified as being a, uh, a mom or a carer. And, uh, maybe your children have grown and or there's some other situation has changed. And so now where you used to have rules around who you needed to be available for, have changed. So, for example, um, my daughter's now 23. When she was younger and she was in school, I used to make sure I was available, available to pick her up from school or drop her to school if need be available, you know, to be there looking after her. Um, I also had a lot of rules around my dad and the care that I felt like I needed to provide him. Um. You know, that all changed when I realized that I don't need to take responsibility for other grown adults. That's not my responsibility. That's rules that I don't need to follow. And I, and things can still be okay in my life, and everyone can still be okay in their life. Uh, it's really important, right? So. I'm gonna think about those rules and, and this becomes relevant as well, when people have rules around what they think they have to provide their parents, especially as parents start getting older, um, you know, the rules about how to be a good son or a good daughter, they often pop up. So, you know, really think about that. What are the rules that you've got in your world, uh, that are limiting you from getting what you actually want? If there's things that you want and you feel like you've got rules that are saying you can't achieve it, you are living with internal conflict, and internal conflict is not just unsatisfying, but it's not actually good for your health. That's a whole other conversation as well. So I think about those rules. Are they actually supporting what you want or are they protecting you from past experiences or fear of what you think may happen? That's disempowering you. And, uh, and start thinking about that. What could you shift? How could you shift in business in, into something new in a way that supports you? And maybe there's some old rules that you need to decide no longer apply. And uh, yeah, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. What hit home for you and. Send me a message. I'm loving the messages, by the way, for those people that have been Eli emailing me and texting me and, uh, DMing me around what you've got and, and actually sharing this podcast as well, that's always really fantastic to see when it pops up on my socials. Thank you. I really appreciate that and I'm glad this message is landing. Uh, next week I've got a really good episode that's gonna follow on from this, which is all about what we allow ourselves to have. And the emotional regulation that has to happen for us to actually have those big goals. So till then, have a fabulous week and I will speak to you then I. If you love this episode, you can help me get the message out to more people. Simply leave a review and share this episode with someone who'd love to hear it. Thanks for tuning into the Coaching Circle. I'll catch you in the next episode.