Ep 157: Toni Everard - Can You Be Seen as Valuable? Here’s How It Affects Your Business

There’s something that can quietly affect almost every part of your business.

How valuable you believe you are.

And more importantly, whether you believe other people can actually see that value.

You can know that you have the skills.

You can know that you have the experience.

You can know that what you offer is valuable.

But if somewhere underneath it all, you don’t believe other people will recognise that value, it can change the way you show up.

It can affect how visible you’re willing to be.

How much you charge.

How confidently you sell.

Whether you share your ideas.

Whether you put yourself out there.

Even the way you structure your business.

And sometimes, the answer seems like it should be another strategy.

Another course.

A better offer.

More content.

More visibility.

But what if the deeper issue has nothing to do with what you know?

What if it’s about whether you feel safe enough to be seen?

Because when you’ve learned somewhere along the way that being yourself, speaking up, expressing your ideas or asking to be recognised could lead to rejection, disappointment or feeling like you’re not enough, those patterns can follow you into your business.

And they can quietly shape what you believe is possible for you.

So what happens when you stop trying to prove your value and start addressing what makes it difficult to believe that other people can see it?

In this episode, we explore the difference between knowing your value and believing you can be perceived as valuable, how this can influence your visibility, pricing, offers and business growth, and what changes when you begin letting go of the old patterns that have kept you from fully expressing yourself.

Because the question might be less about:

“How do I get people to see my value?”

And more about:

“Can I allow myself to be seen?”

🔗 Let’s Connect

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Links and Resources:

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Transcript

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Ep 157 Can you be seen as valuable? Here's how it affects your business
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Welcome back. And today I've got a hot tip, a hot tip, hot topic for you, and this is all around value and can you be seen as valuable? And this is a big deal. It will definitely affect how you show up in your business and what you think is possible in your business, and the types of results that you get in your business.

And so I wanna give you some context around this and how to think about it so that you can have the ability to recognize if it's a problem that is lurking underneath for you as well. Because I can tell you, it's definitely something that I had to resolve for myself, and it made a big difference in my business when I did.

And it's something that I also see lurking underneath a lot of the problems that my clients have. And so I'm gonna go into that with [00:01:00] you so that you can get an idea and really look at that for yourself, around can you be seen as valuable? And so there can be different things. So you might think, "No. Look, I know I'm valuable.

I know that what I've done is valuable. I know I've done all of these valuable courses, and I have all these valuable skills." Um, and that is great, and that's no doubt why you have a business to start with. But if you don't believe that you can be perceived as valuable by other people, then that can be a real problem for you.

And it might show up as, "Oh, I've gotta do another course and another course and another course," because doing courses can help you feel like you are making yourself more valuable. Um, but it's, it is a different story between whether you think other people can see you as valuable and, and that will have some big impacts.

So I wanna just give you another frame that you might be [00:02:00] familiar with, and this is one that comes up a lot. And often when I'm talking to people, uh, that have businesses and they are, you know, they're, like, they feel like there's something blocking them. More than likely they've had jobs in the past where they've been paid pretty well, like they've had some good, you know, uh, role, it might have been a leadership role, it might have been, you know, something where they were, uh, really valued at work and paid, paid well for.

So, you know, paying, getting paid six figures or close to for a role that they've done in a job. But it's very different in a job. And the reason is that when you're employed, there's already an existing organization, there's already an existing structure, and there's already existing authority in that structure that says, "Here's a specific role.

These are the skills that's required. These are, um, the KPIs. This [00:03:00] is what needs to be fulfilled in that role, and this is what we decide that role is worth being paid." Okay? So, uh, you know, maybe you were in some kind of leadership or something and you had a six-figure salary, right? And so there would've been a job description or some kind of process where you applied for that role or somehow, you know, you were offered that role where somebody else said, "Yes, you've got the skills, the experience, the knowledge, the know-how, the value.

I'm, I'm saying that you do, so you can have this role and we will pay you that amount of money." And so that has, when you're in a job, that level of authority and value is external, right? It's, there's an external frame of, frame of reference where someone externally is saying that is your value. Now, when [00:04:00] you start a business, that structure and external frame of reference for authority and value doesn't exist.

Your business is the structure that you create for your own role and what it is that you decide is a valuable offer, the problems that you solve, how you do it, all of those things is completely up to you. And so nobody assigns you that role. Nobody says, nobody gives you s- the stamp of approval and says, "Yes, you know, definitely we think you can charge that amount, and we're gonna pay you that amount."

You have to decide it all for yourself. And so this is, this is where the problem can start. So most people will look around and go, "Okay, well, this is generally what people are charging." Um, and there'll also be some level of value that you believe you do have. [00:05:00] But- If you're getting stuck with visibility or consistent income or having a business that you feel is a good, um, solid business that people can recognize and really see the value in, in your services, then there's a, there's a disconnect there between what you believe your value is and what you believe people perceive your value is.

So they're two very different things. What you think is value, and then how that translates when you think about external people and how you're perceived. And so this, like I said, it can show up in visibility around whether you think people wanna listen to you. It can show up around your pricing and what you think you can charge.

It can show up around how confident you feel, um, in selling your offers or that people want to pay you for your offer or that people have money to [00:06:00] pay you or they want to pay that amount. Um, in your social media, whether you think people are gonna be interested in what you say or whether they are going to want to watch your videos or, or read your posts or listen to your podcast or all of those kinds of things.

Um, it can even show up in the structure of your business or your courses or your offers. You might feel like, "Oh, I can't create something that's highly valuable." Um, or you, you might just have a business that's in chaos all the time and you feel like that there's something that you just can't seem to get a handle on to make your business a valuable business.

And so this is something we need to be able to resolve. And to resolve it, we have to understand where this perception of value stems from. And 100% Stems back to your childhood because when we think about, [00:07:00] uh, you know, a lot of people say, "Well, there's so many things that happen throughout adult life." Yes, there are, but how you navigate those things throughout your adult life will, will hugely depend on the, um, the level of support and emotional regulation and emotional connection and feedback that you got from being a very, very young child.

So if we think about this, you know, when a child is born, you know, generally they create connection with mother figure in the first 18 months, and that gives you a sense of belonging and, you know, safety and being loved and, um, cared for and, and that you're valuable enough to be, you know, have someone that just wants to take care of your needs, right?

And so that becomes your inner value, right? H- who-- how much you feel like you belong. And then we've got your, um, external value that comes from... Uh, so after the first 18 months, then it steps into where [00:08:00] father figure shows your value to the world, right? So the father figure represents the external world and, um, how valuable you are perceived by him or shown to the world how valuable you are to him through his eyes.

And so obviously little children do not have the ability to process all of that con- process all of that consciously. And so it's things that happen at a very unconscious level. And to a very young child, the perception of your value very much has to do with the amount of connection and emotional connection that you have with your parents.

And so for a very young child, they, they're born-- like, a baby's born believing it's deserving of everything, right? It's, it's... You see a little baby, and they just expect that people want to pay them attention and to, you know, cuddle them and love them and play [00:09:00] with them and feed them, and all those kinds of things, right?

That's just their expectation. And if that expectation's not met when they're really young, they will cry, and they will cry, and they will want to get their needs met. Now, as that baby moves more into becoming a toddler, um, you know, in that two, three-year-old, babies become even-- or young children become even more aware of, how do my parents respond to me?

And this can move through, you know, school years as well. And so for a young child, they want to know that my presence, just in who I'm being, has a positive effect on other people. And primarily that's gonna be the parents, because they're the ones who have all the power. Um, that my presence is, uh, uh, has a positive impact on my parents.

So mother, especially father, for that external world. So if you had parents that [00:10:00] weren't particularly emotionally expressive, like if they, if they didn't seem to get very excited or very, you know, like moved in a way, they weren't very expressive in their emotions in a positive way, or that they were very busy, or they were very distracted, or that they had, you know, stress, or they were a bit grumpy.

And as a child, you went to them, and let's use father as example, and father didn't really look at you or, um, if he did look at you, his expression didn't change into, like, a positive one for having that, you know, having you in his presence, or that, you know, you learnt that if you express yourself or you say something or you do something, that, that your natural expression of yourself results in father figure withdrawing or Telling you to be quiet or [00:11:00] having a stern look on their face or anything.

This does not have to be, like, abuse, it can just be, you know, just making you feel like you're somehow a burden or that you're not important or that your expression, full expression of yourself doesn't have a positive impact on him, then a small child starts to feel that that means my value isn't enough.

My being, beingness, like being in his presence isn't enough to have a positive effect on him. And for small children, if you're not having a positive effect on someone, it starts to, um, feel dangerous because there's a-- it starts to lose connection. Okay? So babies want positive connection, positive responses, 'cause that means safety, that means I have connection.

If, uh, something happens and say you're crying and, um, father figure's telling you to be quiet and that it's not okay for you to be crying and has a stern voice [00:12:00] around it, a young child will interpret that as, "My full expression reduces the level of connection that I have with my father, and so it's not okay.

It's not okay for me to express myself." And, uh, and the same goes if you bring them something and you're excited about it or something that you've created or that you're doing and, and you know, going, "Watch this, watch this," and you're doing, you know, 50 million cartwheels or whatever that might be, and there's not a positive response to that, then that also comes to the child learns this expression, like, "I'm not enough.

What I'm-- who I'm being and what I'm doing is not enough to get a positive response." And this is where this perception of value starts to get formed through ways that you wouldn't think were necessarily, um, [00:13:00] you know, out of the norm, right? This can be stuff that happens quite commonly, and you might not ever notice it until you do something like start a business and want to be able to, um, set your own value and have people perceive your value through your own volition, right?

Through what you decide for yourself And so if that need wasn't fully met, this becomes a problem, right? And children then learn, this is part of the conditioning, children then learn, "What do I need to do to stay connected to my parents? So do I need to just do what they say? Do I need to keep myself quiet?

Do I need to make sure I don't say anything that upsets them? Do I need to, you know, keep things for myself, keep out of their way? Um, do I need to just put all my attention on them and make sure that they're happy?" Um, and, you know, for children with parents that aren't hugely expressive, it can feel like there's never [00:14:00] enough.

It doesn't matter what I do or what I say or how I be, it's never enough to get that positive emotional feedback and connection that they desperately want And so, uh, so this is really important, and was definitely something that, um, I discovered for myself around... This was a while back when I was creating courses, and I felt like I, I didn't know how to create a course that other people would feel was valuable.

Like, I didn't know how I could create something that somebody else would see the value in. And so that had me, you know, doing just small courses and little things that inherently didn't have loads of value because I just felt like I didn't know how to create something that someone else would perceive as valuable.

And of course, when I did resolve that, that's when, you know, it become much easier for me to be selling $6,000 offers and $10,000 offers and $15,000 offers and, and things like that because [00:15:00] I recognized the value and that I could be perceived as valuable. Uh, this also shows up... I was, um, working with a client who was talking about this, um, was a problem for her in public speaking.

So she wanted to be public speaking and, but she always had this fear that what she talked about wasn't gonna be as interesting as what other successful speakers talked about. That whatever, uh, methodology or ideas that she expressed through her public speaking, that people wouldn't be interested and they wouldn't wanna take notes, and they wouldn't want to, um, talk about it afterwards.

So it was... That was an element for her. And of course, when we went back and did the work, it definitely came back to some childhood experiences where she didn't feel like her, um, presence or anything that she did was enough to create that positive response from her, [00:16:00] uh, from her father especially, because, you know, he was a very busy man and often wasn't, uh, expressing positive emotions.

Like, had a lot of negative things to say about other people and how he perceived other people, and that all became feeling very threatening, and she was always driven to be, um, a high performer but it was never-- it never felt like enough. And so that can show up as well. Um, I've worked with other clients that, um, someone I was working with recently, it was a problem for social media.

So she had real resistance to posting on social media because she felt like that if she posted stuff on social media, no one would be interested in it. And so the, the feeling of, "Oh my God, what if I post something and no one wants to engage in it, no one's interested in it?" And the, and the stories are, "Everyone's gonna think this stuff just isn't interesting, and it's boring, and why are you posting that?"

And, you know, all of these kinds of stories. And [00:17:00] again, it went back to childhood experiences when, you know, her parents just weren't particularly emotionally expressive. So even when she achieved things, and she always felt this pressure that she had to be the, the good girl, the one who got the good grades, who did all the right thing, but even when she did all those things, there was no positive response that came that, uh, gave her what she was looking for.

And so again, it's that, you know, what I've got isn't good enough. It's not gonna be perceived as valuable. No one's gonna be interested in it because that's the conditioning, and that's what she had learned from her parents' responses. Now, I'm not saying that, you know, all these parents that I've mentioned are terrible, bad people or anything.

They are average, run-of-the-mill people, but most likely, they have their own childhood issues with being able to create emotional connections with their parents, and these things come down generationally Um, and so [00:18:00] you can imagine if you're feeling like, "Oh my God, I'm gonna post stuff and no one's gonna like it or engage with it," uh, and that's just gonna further prove that, you know, nothing that I've got to share is interesting, and then it's out in the public arena and everybody else can see that whatever I'm posting is not interesting, that then leads to a lot of resistance around posting, on showing up, or consistency in doing that.

Um, you know, another experience I've seen with this as well is a, a client who was creating a lot of chaos and burnout in his life, and he said, "You know, I just feel like I can't create the structure that I want in my business. Everybody talks about structure, uh, and, you know, having this structure in your business so that you can scale and doing these things."

He goes, "I just don't feel like my brain works that way." And through that conversation, it also came about that he could not be seen as valuable. So when you [00:19:00] can't feel like-- So in this case, not being able to feel like he could be seen as valuable or perceived as valuable, and again, went back to a bunch of childhood stuff, then what that means is that he would c- constantly create this chaos and problems for him to solve, right?

So he could, um, be in there solving these problems and, and try to show his value about how he could solve problems in his own life or in his own world, but he could never get to that next level. Because to get to that next level, he needed to treat himself as valuable, which meant creating pro-, uh, structure and processes and systems that meant that he didn't have chaos in his life, and that meant that he was able to be successful and to get that continuous motivation and growth.

And so, you know, once we recognized that and I said about it, he went, "You know what? That is a sticking point for me. I don't feel like I can be seen as valuable." But [00:20:00] if he can get in connection with that, then it's a different story, right? If I can be seen as valuable, of course I can build a business that is going to help me demonstrate my value, that's gonna keep me out of that chaos, that's gonna allow me to show up as a valuable person.

So these are just some examples, but it comes up so, so, so often. And so it can really affect the offers that you create, how much you feel like you can charge people, um, you know, how much you can be visible and talk about your ideas, um, your own thought leadership, um, what you think differently from anybody else.

Because those things require you to put something out to the world, and if the experience is if I put-- express myself to the world and I get no feedback or negative feedback or I'm just dismissed, then I'm doing it in a public setting, and then that feels like [00:21:00] humiliation. And that's something that people completely try to avoid.

Um, so, you know, it happens with our pricing, affects your messaging, and Until you solve this problem, there's not gonna be any form of strategy that will work, okay? Because strategies only work when you are aligned at an unconscious level with having the outcome from that. So you won't grow a big social media following until you believe that you can be perceived as, as valuable.

You won't be able to sell a high-ticket offer until you believe you can be perceived as valuable, right? You won't be able to create a business that you feel proud of, that you feel supports you, and that is successful if you don't feel that you can be perceived as valuable. And so ultimately, resolving this requires doing the deep work, [00:22:00] and that's where the turning point comes in.

The turning point is so powerful. The turning point process, of course, which I created, um, the book that I've written is about this complete process as well. You can find the link to the book, of course, in the show notes or on my website at tonyahravat.com. And it takes you through the five steps of how do we get back and really re-parent ourselves essentially so that we can get access to those needs that we had as a, as a child or as children that were just never met at that time.

And that's your responsibility as an adult because whatever happened, however you were dismissed or not connected or, um, you know, didn't get that positive response as a child for whatever was going on with your parents, whatever their capacity was, all of that happened a long, long time ago. Now, as it's still showing up in your world now, you're the one who's doing it [00:23:00] to yourself.

So you need to be able to break that pattern, and you need to be able to recognize where these core events are and, and where that was in your childhood so that you can fully feel validated in what it was like not getting the response that you needed at that age. And once you can get fully validated in that and understand that, you know, you did fully deserve to be recognized and valued and for people to have a positive response from you, it was their responsibility to give that to you.

Um, whether they had capacity for it or not is a different story, but that was their responsibility 'cause that's what you deserved as a child. When we look after children, that is our responsibility as adults is to make sure that they get to feel loved and guided and supported and that, you know, that they are important and that they're valued and that they have a positive impact in the world, that we have a positive response to them to help them [00:24:00] reflect that back to them Uh, and once you do that and you understand that for yourself and you can connect in with those resources for yourself, you can let go of the protection mechanisms.

You can stop worrying about what other people think. You can stop having that unconscious expectation that other people are gonna have some kind of a negative response to you, and that's when you create the inner safety and the inner strength in yourself that allows you to be fully expressed in the world and for you to share the amazing work that you're here to do.

So this is the deep, deep work and, uh, if this has resonated with you, great. I'm-- I really want this episode to help you get some deeper awareness into what's actually going on, because this is why I started working with people in business and, you know, leaders as well, but primarily people in business, is that business requires you to [00:25:00] be more fully expressed as yourself.

Business requires you to let go of any of the old limitations that you've had around what you're allowed to do, what you can create, how you can be seen, how you show up in the world, what, you know, value you have to other people. And so to be able to do that, you need to get rid of everything that's not that, and that requires some of the deepest deepest personal development, um, and really healing that inner child is essentially what you do.

And it's a process that's quite gentle and gets results. You know, the amount of change that I see happen with people once they are actually able to connect with their own inner resources, create inner safety for themselves, and create a positive expectation of what they can receive from the world. So if this has resonated with you, if you feel like there's something in there for you, of course reach out.

Let me [00:26:00] know what it is that, uh, you took away from this. Of course, you can email me, connect with me on my socials, and, uh, if this is some deeper work that you need to do, don't sit on it. Don't stay-- It's not gonna go away by itself. You need to learn how to be able to access and re-parent yourself and connect with those resources that are gonna allow you to express yourself in a safe and powerful way.

Till next week, bye-bye.