Episode 55 - With Kate Porter

In this week I'm chatting to fellow podcast host Kate Porter, she's the Midlife Metamorphosis Coach and host of the Midlife Unlimited Podcast.

Listen in to find out why Kate laughed when she was mistaken for her son's grandma. Why she loves bright colours. And how going grey has helped her feel more like herself.

Transcript

Helen: Hello, and thanks for joining me, Helen Johnson for the Happier Grey Podcast. I'm pro-ageing and love my grey hair, but I know it can be quite intimidating to take the plunge. So, each week I'll be chatting to other women who've chosen to embrace the grey in the hope of inspiring and supporting you, whether you already have silver hair in the process of going grey or just considering ditching the dye.

Today I'm joined by Kate Porter, the Midlife Metamorphosis Coach and host of the Midlife Unlimited Podcast, who helps women transform from invisible to invincible. Good morning, Kate. How are you?

Kate: I am fabulous, and it's wonderful to be here. Thank you so much for inviting me to talk about something that's a subject close to my heart as well, Helen. So, it's wonderful to be here.

Helen: I'm gonna start by asking you, what was your hair like when you were a child?

Kate: Well, I've actually come full circle really, because I started off blonde. There's this picture of me I must be about four or five, on the patio with hair almost down to my bum, and it was the last day before my Mum decided that it was going to be more manageable to have it cut. 

So, my Grandma was given the task of taking this photograph. And you know what's coming. I'm standing in front of the sun. You can't actually see my hair at all, you can just see this shadow. And those were the days, obviously, when you had to send off photos, wait for them to come back, by which time said hair was a lot shorter. 

Yes. So, I started off blonde. I've been various colours over the years and now. I'm grey, but I do get, oh, I thought from your photo you were blonde, but you are actually grey, oh my goodness.

Helen: I'm gonna come back to when you were a child. You sound a bit similar to me in that you had your hair cut shorter about five. I used to have nightmares that there were spiders in the bed, 'cause my hair used to get strands of hair in the bed. Because of that, my hair got cut into a Purdy style, which was obviously trendy at the time.

Kate: Yes, absolutely.

 Helen: Went from like waist length to basin cut basically.

Kate: The old pudding Bowl.

Helen: Done it at Hairdressers. But yeah, that sort of look. Was yours something similar?

Kate: No, I think it was just kind of below the shoulders. Then obviously it was bunches and plaits. But my mum wasn't that really that good at plaiting, so I very soon learned how to plait. And then I had a younger sister, so it was plaits, and braids, and bunches, and buns. I used to like doing different style with it.

Helen: And can you remember when you found the first white hair?

Kate: I was thinking about this earlier on. I think they started to show probably late twenties. I went from being blonde, as I went towards the age of 10, suddenly went kind of a reddy-brown.

Then as I progressed through my teens never dyed in my teens. I always had a Sun In envy, because loads of the girls in my class, I don’t know if you remember Sun In, you kind of sprayed it, and then every time you put the hair dryer on, it would go blonde and blonde.

And my mum, she was like, no, no, you're not doing that. And actually, it was quite good because it started off blonde, this stuff. But then it just went more and more orange. 

Helen: Really?

Kate: So, I do remember girls having to have actually cut out. 

In my twenties, my hair got shorter and shorter. I think it was 'cause, I was a newspaper editor and I was quite young. I was 24 when I first got the position. And I think, although it wasn't strictly corporate, it was very much a younger woman, in a largely man's world in terms of my team. So, I think it was a bit of a power thing for myself. It made me feel more confident having the shorter hair.

And then, yes, some highlights came in. I think, yeah, it was late twenties and then for some reason I went from blonde to brunette. And obviously, then it really started the dyeing to keep the grey at bay, shall we say.

Helen: Did you used to dye it yourself, or did you go to the hairdressers?

Kate: Occasionally I used to, when I was having highlights done, I used to go and do those model sessions where you could get it done quite cheaply, rather than paying a huge amount of money to sit there with your foils in. 

But when I actually started dyeing it just brunette. I just used to go out and I won't mention any brands now. And because I had a lot of red in my hair, I always used to go for an ash, because otherwise it would just pick up all the orange, especially any white hairs or grey hairs would just end up as orange streaks. 

But the more I dyed it dark, kind of led me to that moment. I vividly remember it. I was on holiday with my son, 'cause we love going on mum and son trips, in Berlin. And I was in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and I thought, I mean, I'd been thinking, who the heck is that woman anyway? 

It was that kind of midlife moment. but I actually thought you look like a vampire with Lego hair. And I knew, I knew that it was not doing me any favours. It was time to do something. 

It always reminds me I'm sure you've heard it, the Coco Chanel quote that, a woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life. And I think that encapsulates how going grey or embracing the grey was for me, because a woman who's about to go grey or embracing the grey even is about to change her life.

And it really was part of my own midlife metamorphosis.

Helen: Okay, so how many years did you dye it for, would you say?

Kate: Oh gosh. From twenties, say 20 years. I would say mid-twenties to mid-forties. When it was time for a big change, inside and out.

Helen: How did you do the grow out process?

Kate: Well, having returned from Berlin with my Lego hair. At that stage it was about shoulder length. And quite fine 'cause I'd had lots of gyne issues, that had resulted in not falling out by the hand, but it, my hair had got really, really fine. And still is now. It's like candyfloss. 

So, much as I'd love to experiment in the hairstyles, and have it lovely and long like yours, although it's still about shoulder length, my signature style is wearing it up. because otherwise I look like some kind of glowing halo, which is nothing wrong with that.

So, yeah, I had the ends all cut off and then I just had the colour stripped out. It kind of took me to a, kind of slightly odd Strawberry blonde almost, I would've thought. Then had a couple of highlights put through that. And then obviously for a lot of us, COVID made it easier, so I just let it grow through.

Helen: Okay. And did you have it cut short or did you leave it shoulder?

Kate: It kind of became a longish, layered Bob. 

And I think I probably took the scissors to it myself every now and again. I’m quite good at cutting my own hair. I cut my son's hair as well. But no, I don't mind. Especially when it's layered, it's, oh, what's the worst that can happen? Just cut that bit. Cut that bit.

Helen: How did you feel about it during the grow out process?

Kate: I really enjoyed it

Helen: Okay.

Kate: Because I think when people think of grey hair, whether it on men or women. just think, oh, it's one colour. And the beauty of Mother Nature is it's not. One colour. You've got so many different layers coming through, and actually mine at the front is quite fair, but at the back it's almost a completely different colour.

But the different tones and lights, I think that's why when people see my photo on social media, for example, like I said earlier, and then they meet me in real life. They're like, oh, we, we did think you were a platinum blonde, but you are not. 

And then of course the B word comes into it, doesn't it? You are so brave. I wish I had the courage to do it, but oh, I just couldn't do it.

Helen: Which I find really interesting because it is just a natural thing to go grey. And yet, we’re so conditioned from being marketed at, from being very young. That we need to try to look youthful, both from a makeup and a hair perspective. 

Whereas we really shouldn't with clothes. 'cause we're mutton dressed as lamb, if we do

Kate: Oh, let's turn that on its head. Because I actually feel better, more vibrant now, with my natural hair colour. Because I feel blinking amazing. And I don't mean that in a big-headed way. I think the actual tonal, if you just look at it on a visual way, with my skin tone, it works so much better.

But in terms of just the freedom that comes with it, and it was literally for me. Metamorphosis. It came hand in hand with me actually falling in love with myself, getting to know who I am, and obviously helping women do the same. 'cause this is such a pivotal time. 

When our identity, we question it. Who are we? All these labels we've been wearing, the fact we've been putting ourselves on the back burner. To me it was part of that whole reassessment of actually what I want. And it kind of sits really well within that.

But it's not all been plain sailing. There's me sitting here going, yeah, I like being grey. I love being, I rock being grey. Because I have a 23-year-old son, and in the last couple of months, I mean, obviously, people who haven't seen my photo, I wear glasses as well, which I love. It's part of my look. Granny look though grey hair and glasses.

And yes, a couple of times I've actually been out with my son and people have said, oh, isn't it nice to be out with your granny? 

Helen: What?

Kate: And Finley and I we hadn't got the heart say, actually, I'm his mother. I just laughed it off inside. And the second time it happened, Finley actually went, just walk away, mum walk away. Because he could see that I was on the verge of just crying with laughter. Because life's too short to take offense, isn't it?

And they didn't mean any harm by it.

Helen: I'm just curious. Men or women, and an older or younger?

Kate: Women. And one about the same age as me, and a couple that were younger. 

Helen: It's just an odd thing to say, isn't it? To someone you don't know.

Kate: They meant it in a kind of a, oh, isn't it lovely? He's six two and 23. I'm 55 in June, obviously don't look as good as I think I do.

Helen: Has your style and the colours that you wear changed since you've gone grey?

Kate: Yes, but again, all parts of my own metamorphosis. I think before I used to hide away in black. I think it was almost part of the uniform of the newsroom as well. And two reasons now, A) black just drains me. And Pastels. I cannot go near a pastel, 'cause I look like a ghost.

Red lipstick I've been wearing for years. I love it. I wear it for me, not for anyone else. But no, I love brights. I really love bright colours. I don’t know if I'm wearing the right bright colours. Leopard print, I've worn it since I was 19. I wear it like a neutral. You'll see me wearing leopard print with checks and all sorts.

I think it's all part of experimenting, having some fun. If we can't have fun now, if we can't shake things up a bit now, when can we? We followed the rules. We've played it safe. It's time to misbehave a bit now. 

Have fun with colour. I'll keep a different jacket or something in the car. So, if I do think, actually, maybe this outfit's a little bit much even for me, at least I’ve got something to change into.

Helen: Then it makes it even more odd that you're getting the granny comments, 'cause obviously, the normal granny stereotype would be fading into the background. In your neutrals and your beiges.

Kate: Yeah. I mean, I have been known to wear tweed and pearls, but not in a traditional granny way.

Helen: Perhaps they're just thinking that you've kind of reached that age where, you can be a bit more eccentric. 'cause I always say I want to be the old lady in the supermarket who's just happy to barge her trolley into everybody who's in the way.

Kate: No, we'll be racing each other. We'll be racing down the aisles. 

Helen: In terms of ageing well, what would you say that you are doing to age well and healthily?

Kate: I've done a couple of episodes of Midlife Unlimited about it. Because this really is our time to use it or lose it, I think when it comes to movement, when it comes to exercise. I try and do as much as possible. I'm not a gym bunny. But I love getting out in nature. I love mindful walks.

I've taken up salsa dancing, which I absolutely love doing. In where we do it, it's not a dance studio. It's not like Saturday Night Fever, so I can't actually really see what I look like. But in my head, I look like something outta dirty dancing. I've got all the moves. But again, it's all about unleashing that childlike curiosity I think, and trying new things. And you can meet new people as well by doing it. 

Diet wise, menopause I just went off a taste of meat. I don’t know what it was. So, I'm pescatarian, I do eat fish. My worst nightmare is the vegetarian pretend meat stuffs, can't stand them. So no, loads of fruit, vegetables, pulses. I take supplements. 

But no, just loving life I think. And try new things. I think growing, having a growth, well, I call it metamorphosis mindset, but that just keep trying new things, keep learning new things, keep exploring. I think that keeps us young as well. And I always say it doesn't matter what it says on your birth certificate, it's how you feel, it really is.

Helen: Yeah, I agree with that. I think particularly as your life changes and maybe your children are leaving home, it's kind of like, well, what am I gonna do that's filling that space? 'cause they have taken an awful lot of time and energy over the years.

Kate: Empty nesting is something I talk about a lot. Actually, I've got a free e-book that I've written about it. Because you're absolutely right. We focus so much on raising kids, those of us that have them. And it is a void. It's another time when we are reassessing who we are, the labels. Mum, what does that mean now?

So, it's coming to terms with, I know, we hear the word new normal, a lot post Covid. But it is our new normal and it's what we do with it. And I say, let's make every moment count of it.

Helen: Definitely with you there. I have been to the gym this morning, and I was talking to a lady there who retired a couple of years ago. And she's talking about, how do I fill my time? I need to look at things to do. And she's started doing strength training. As well as becoming a grandma.

But it is so important, I think, all the time to be going, okay, what am I gonna do for balance? What am I gonna do so that I'm not just sat, around nothing?

Kate: Oh, absolutely. And as you say, just that whole self-awareness, and self-care, I know it's a buzzword, but it is important. Actually thinking, what do I need right now? Not just self-nourishment, physically, but mentally as well. What do I need to stimulate me? What will light me up.

And don't think in terms of I should be, I hate shoulds. If you use the word, should, ask yourself if it's a must. If it's a must, do it immediately. If it's not, if it's just a should, it's someone else's thought in your head, get rid of it. That's my advice, on shoulds.

Helen: I'm gonna ask you a question then. Do you think you would've gone grey if you were still working in corporate?

Kate: I think I would've done. Because it was such a huge pivot, in how I felt about myself. And I think by finding that clarity about who I am. And my midlife mantra long before this whole “let them theory” resurrected itself. My mantra is let the judges judge. Let them get on with it. 

Not everyone's gonna like me. And I really don't have the time or patience to get overwhelmed to overthink worrying about what other people are thinking about me. Half the time they're not anyway.

It's not selfish. It's me thinking. This is Kate. I'm perfectly imperfect. Here I am. And as long as I'm putting myself out there as the real me, I'm not wearing a mask. And I think dyeing my hair to me felt like a mask.

Helen: Yeah.

Kate: Now what you see is what you get. Absolutely.

Helen: How have your friends and family reacted to you going grey?

Kate: Really positive actually. They're just like, go for it. Because it turned out quite well, I think they're like, yeah, you rock it. And they laughed about the granny thing as well. You've gotta laugh if you can't laugh at yourself, and it's such a freeing feeling. To be able to laugh 

Helen: Okay. I'm gonna ask you one last question then. If someone came to you and said, I'm thinking about going grey, what advice would you have

Kate: Like we've alluded to already, don't do it because you feel you should do it. Yes, it's wonderful seeing an increase in grey hair models and obviously social influencers, but you've gotta do it for you. 

But my main piece of advice, and I say this about all decisions we make, most of the decisions we make in life, we treat them as if they're irreversible, and they're not. Give it a go, give it a go. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. And if you don't like it, you can always dye it back again.

Helen: The woman I was talking to this morning has got completely white hair, but she dyes it pink from time to time

Kate: Why?

Helen:  just for a bit of fun.

Kate: Absolutely. Absolutely. I might even try

Helen: The other thing that I was gonna say is, if people want support. If you go on social media, if you go on Instagram. There's a lot of influencers there, but a lot of them are very pretty. And would look great whatever colour hair they have. 

If you go on Facebook, there are a lot of groups who are much more normal, and are probably gonna make you feel better, and who are very supportive. So, any sort of question anyone has while they're going grey, someone's probably asked it in that group before. And they probably had support. 

If you do feel that you need someone around you, and maybe your friends and family aren't as supportive as yours were, or mine were fairly. I didn't really care one way or the other, to be fair. But I do think that's important for some people.

Kate: Oh, a hundred percent with you. And I think as well surrounding yourself with like-minded women, people in a similar situation. It's such an empowering feeling anyway. I'm all about cheerleading. 

So, I would absolutely say seek out people on a similar journey to you. Share tips, share advice, highs, lows, and new friendships might come out of it as well.

Helen: You've been a fantastic guest, so I'm going to leave it there and say thank you so much for joining me.

Kate: Ah, it's been my pleasure. Thank you so much, Helen. 

Helen: Thanks so much for joining me for this week's show. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have. I'll be back again next week, but in the meantime, you can follow me on Instagram at happier.grey. Have a great week.