Challenge Your Mind, Change The World

Lean Back or Lean In? A Parent's Guide to Engaging Teens

The Classic High School Teacher Season 1 Episode 16

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Have you ever wondered how to help your teen step out of their shell and fully engage with life? 

In this enlightening episode of Challenge Your Mind, Change the World, we unpack the transformative power of the mindset “Always lean in, never back.” 

This episode is packed with insights for parents eager to empower their teens with confidence and the skills to take initiative. 

We discuss the stark difference between engagement and disengagement through vivid anecdotes, illustrating how one student's active participation can lead to a wealth of opportunities while another's reluctance holds them back. 

You'll learn how easy it is to cultivate a leaning-in mentality through simple yet effective parenting strategies: modeling engagement, celebrating effort, encouraging reflections, and exposing teens to new experiences.

We also emphasize the vital role parents play in shaping this behavior. By leading through example and normalizing stepping outside comfort zones, parents can instill valuable lessons on resilience and connection in their teens. 

This episode highlights how leaning in not only builds confidence but also fosters stronger relationships—skills essential for future leadership.

By the end of this episode, you'll have actionable takeaways to implement immediately. Join us as we delve into the importance of leaning in—because when your teen chooses to engage, they learn the invaluable lesson that their voice matters, paving the way for a brighter future. 

Don't forget to share this episode with fellow parents and help us spread the message that success belongs to those who show up.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please take the time to rate our podcast. Your rating means the world to us and it allows us to continue to share and grow our message of support to other fabulous humans out there!

Confidence to Lead Academy is coming soon! This is THE subscription your teen needs to be on if they are shy, full of potential yet lack the confidence to explore it, or dream of having a life where they can learn how to step up and be heard, but just need that little extra nudge to do so. The Confidence to Lead Academy is all about giving your teen a voice that helps them speak up in class, push themselves out of their comfort zone and begin to develop real leadership skills that will help them long after school finishes. The waitlist has opened - learn more here!


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Speaker 1:

Hey everyone, welcome back to Challenge your Mind, change the World. This is the podcast where we dive deep into strategies that help your very beloved and hardworking teens unlock their potential and help you amazing parents out there support them every step of the way. I'm your host, francesca Hudson, and today's episode is a complete game changer. If you've ever looked at your child, at your teen, and thought I just wish they would put themselves out there more, speak up, take more initiative, engage with what's in front of them, then this is the episode for you, my friend, because today we are talking about something that, once mastered, will set your teen apart in ways you can't even imagine. It's a simple but powerful shift, and here it is Always lean in, never back. I'll say it again Always lean in, never back. Now I know what you might be thinking. What does that even mean, francesca? Well, let me paint you a picture.

Speaker 1:

We all know someone. Maybe it's a student in class, maybe it's a colleague at work, maybe it's even a friend, who just sort of exists in the background. They show up, but they're not fully there. They don't speak up in discussions, they hesitate to volunteer and they stay in their comfort zone because it feels safe. And then there are those people, the ones who lean in. You can spot them immediately. They ask questions, they engage in conversation. They don't just sit through life, they participate, they raise their hand, they try new things, they contribute ideas. They're the ones who end up seizing the opportunities, making the connections and building real confidence. So what makes the difference? It's not intelligence and it's not talent. It's a decision to engage rather than hold back.

Speaker 1:

And here's where you come in, parents, because this mindset it's not something teens automatically have. It's something that they learn. It's something that they're either encouraged to practice or something they're subtly conditioned to avoid. And the way that you can approach this at home is through the conversations you had. The way you praise if that, the way you model engagement in your own life. It has a massive impact on whether your teen becomes someone who leans in or someone who leans back.

Speaker 1:

So in today's episode, I'm going to give you the tools to help your teen embrace this mindset and explain why it's one of the greatest gifts you can give them as they step into their future. Because in a world where so many people are passive and what I mean by that is where they sit on the sidelines and they watch life happen. Those of us who choose to lean in create the biggest opportunities. We build the strongest confidence and ultimately change the game. So, parents, this episode is for you. Let's dive in, let's get started. Okay, so what exactly does it mean to lean in? It's more than just participating. It's about actively engaging with life. It's about being present, being curious and being willing to step forward even when it feels uncomfortable. It's about choosing to engage instead of retreating, and this shows up in so many ways.

Speaker 1:

Let me give you a couple of real life examples. I want you to imagine two students sitting in the same classroom. Let's call them Emily and Jake. One of them could be your teenager. Emily is the kind of student who leans in. She doesn't necessarily have all the answers, but she's engaged, and when the teacher asks a question, raises her hand. Even if she's not 100% sure, she asks for clarification. When she doesn't understand something, she joins discussions, she shares her thoughts and isn't afraid to put herself out there.

Speaker 1:

Now let's look at Jake. Jake is smart. He's just as capable as Emily, but he leans back. He listens to the lesson, but he doesn't engage. When the teacher asks a question, he avoids eye contact. He doesn't speak up in group discussions. Even when he has an opinion, he waits for others to take the lead At the end of the school year.

Speaker 1:

Who do you think benefits more? It's not about who's smarter. It's about who who's smarter, it's about who actively participates in their own learning. Now Emily is building confidence, critical thinking skills and a habit of engagement that will serve her well in life. Meanwhile, jake might understand the material just as well, but because he's not engaging with it, he's missing out on deeper learning, connection and opportunity. And this isn't just about school, it applies everywhere.

Speaker 1:

Let's take this idea beyond the classroom. Have you ever asked your teenager a question and the response is just a shrug, or maybe a mumbled? I don't know. That's a small example of leaning back, but as parents it can be frustrating, because we see the potential. We see the conversations they could be having, the relationships they could be building, the skills they could be developing. They just leaned in a little more. But the truth is many teens don't even realize they're doing this. They are choosing to disengage because they don't care. Let's not see it as a negative. They've just never been encouraged to see engagement as a skill, and engagement is a skill. It's a separate skill to anything else, and that's where we come in.

Speaker 1:

Let me share another story. A few years ago I worked with a teen named Mia and I'll change her name to Mia for privacy reasons. She had always been terrified of public speaking. She hated presentations. The idea of standing up in front of people made her physically sick. She avoided every opportunity to speak up, hoping she could just fly under the radar. One day she had a choice. Her teacher asked if anyone wanted to lead a small group discussion in class. Now her instinct was automatically to lean back, to wait and hope someone else would step up. But something in her shifted. She didn't raise her hand to lead, but she did something small she asked a question. Instead of staying silent and hoping the discussion would move along without her, she engaged, and you know what happened. Her classmates responded. They actually turned to her and started discussing her question. Now, that small moment of leaning in just a little changed her entire approach and over time she started speaking up more. She volunteered for roles she never would have considered before and by the end of the year she delivered a speech in front of the entire school. Not because she suddenly became fearless overnight, but because she practiced leaning in one small moment at a time.

Speaker 1:

And here's the takeaway Learning isn't about making huge, dramatic changes. It's about the tiny choices that we make every day. It's asking one more question. It's stepping forward when we'd normally step back. It's saying yes to an opportunity instead of overthinking all the reasons we might fail. And the exciting part this mindset can be taught and encouraged at home. Now let's be honest leaning back is comfortable, it's easy, it's safe and, as parents, it's our job to notice when our teens are doing it. And there are some ways that you can spot it. We all know, naturally, that our children and our teenagers are very comfortable in leaning back, but these questions in particular will really help us, as parents and as educators, to see where we can start to encourage some of that confidence building and that encouragement to get our children and our teenagers to lean in rather than lean back.

Speaker 1:

So is your teenager avoiding eye contact when someone asks them a question? Are they looking away? Are they avoiding your eyes? Are they hesitating to join activities, even when they secretly want to? Are they really into basketball, but they haven't signed up for the basketball trials at school? Or they really love sport, but they haven't offered to sign up to be a sports shed monitor. That kind of thing Are they answering with short, disengaged responses instead of engaging in conversation? Now, these are all small signals that your child or teenager are leaning back. So how do we help them shift? Well, we encourage them to take very micro, micro, small steps forward and, instead of letting them just shrug off a question, ask, tell me more about that. Dig a little deeper with your child or with your teenager. Get them to try and elaborate, get them to try and give you a little bit more than just a shrug when you ask them a question. Keep going, tell me more about that and if they hesitate to speak up, remind them it's okay to try even if you're not sure.

Speaker 1:

Positive encouragement, positive reinforcement, positive, positive, positive, positive. You look at leaders and politicians and people that have been very successful in leadership positions and they are always so positive and so quick to praise people, praise people on your team for doing a great job, great job, and so we want to be able to have this leader mindset with our children and let them know that it's a safe space for them to try, even if they're not sure and when they have weird opportunities, gently nudged it. What's the worst that could happen if you said yes? Create a really really soft landing ground, crash pad for them. If they do take up an opportunity and it goes wrong, what's the worst that could happen if you said yes? Because leaning in is a habit and the more that our children and our teenagers practice it, the easier it becomes. Because let's look at the big picture for a second Teens who lean in, they get noticed, they get opportunities, they build confidence, they develop skills that will serve them for a lifetime.

Speaker 1:

And those who lean back? Well, they might just be as smart and as capable, but they miss out. They miss out on life's opportunities. So, parents, the next time you see your teen leaning back, shrugging off an opportunity and hesitating to engage, or holding back in conversation, pause and redirect, because every time they choose to lean in, even just a little, they are one step closer to becoming the confident and engaged and future ready because, let's not forget, digital age is here, the age of AI. Our young adults need to be future ready for their communication and the way that they show up in the world. They have so much potential and that's a gift worth giving the gift of habit building to lean in rather than lean back.

Speaker 1:

So let me ask you this where can you encourage your teen to lean in? Today? I'll let you sit with that question for a moment, because now that we understand what leaning in means and why it's so powerful, let's talk about how you, as a very loving parent, can encourage this mindset at home. Because here's the thing leaning in is a learned behavior. No one is born with an automatic instinct to step forward, to engage, to take action. It's something that is shaped by the environment that we create for our kids, and that's great news, because it means that we have the power to help our teens build the skill, just like we teach them how to tighten shoes, ride a bike and handle responsibilities. So how do we do it? I've got six powerful ways that you can implement that you can start encouraging your teen to lean in with right now, and the first one is lead by example. You've probably heard this before Teens watch what we do way more than they listen to what we say, and that is so true when it comes to engagements.

Speaker 1:

Let me give you a scenario. Imagine you're at the dinner table and your teen is talking about their day and you're nodding, you're making me occasional uh-huh, but your eyes are glued to your phone and I have been here. We have been in this situation in our family and many years ago, in another life, my husband was running a massive eight-figure building company and everything was on him, everything was on his shoulders and he was glued to his prime. He won't mind me saying this because we're not back now and we breathe a sigh of relief that those days are over. But in the time, the stress and the pressures that comes with modern life, especially when you are running your own business or you're in a position of responsibility of any kind, our phones become an extension of us. We never switch off. We never, ever, ever, have that ability to leave the office and switch off for the evening. So I get this. This is a very common scenario at home that you will be nodding your head and relating to.

Speaker 1:

But the sad thing is, what are our teens learning from this? They're learning that half engagement is normal, that it's okay just to switch off to check out when someone else is talking, and we have a policy at home now that we don't have any phones or digital devices at the table, and we try very hard to limit digital devices and when they're used and we make sure that we have really well-structured time for other things like reading, and when we sit around the dinner table as a family, then that is exactly that we're sitting there as a family, catching up on our day with no devices. But anyway, what are our teens learning when we have our phones out at the dinner table and we're not actually listening to them? They're learning that half engagement is normal, that it's okay to check out, to switch off when someone else is talking. But let's pause that idea for a second and imagine the complete opposite. Imagine putting your phone down, leaning in, making eye contact and asking follow-up questions that show you're not just hearing them but you're truly listening. Now, that's leading by example.

Speaker 1:

Let's take another scenario. When you're faced with something new, do you embrace it? If you have the opportunity to take on a challenge at work or try a new hobby or meet new people, do you as a parent, as an adult, lean in or do you shy away? Because your teen is watching? And the more they see you engage, to take initiative and to participate in life, the more likely they are to follow your lead. So if we start modeling the behavior that we want to see at home, then things will dramatically shift, because engagement isn't just something we tell them to do. It's something they learn by watching us.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so the second way that we can encourage our teenagers to lean in is to celebrate engagement over results, and this one is huge. As parents, we love to celebrate results the A plus on the test, winning goal, the award at the end of the year, and while accomplishments are great, what actually builds a lean in mindset is praise in the effort, not just the outcome. Why? Because when we only celebrate the end result, our teens start to believe that only success is worth celebrating, nothing else, only the win. And that's dangerous. Because what happens when they try something new and don't immediately succeed? What happens to their mindset? They shrink back, they stop engaging, they don't want to risk failing because they don't see the value in the process. So let's shift our focus on that and instead of just saying, wow, you got an A try, instead, I love how hard you worked on that project, your effort really showed. Or you could say I noticed how engaged you were in that discussion today. What did you learn? Or you could say I saw you push through that challenge. That took real determination. This tells our children that participation matters, that engagement is what leads to success and that, even if they don't get a perfect result, leaning in is still so worth it.

Speaker 1:

So number three is to make reflection a daily habit. Have you ever asked your teen how was your day and got a nothing but a shrug and a fine Yep? Me too. And here's the thing our brains are wired to notice what we pay attention to. If we never ask our teens to reflect on their engagement, then they're not going to notice it either. So let's flip the script Instead of the usual. How was school? Flip the script Instead of the usual. How was school? Try this what's something that challenged you today? Or you could try when did you feel most engaged? Or you could try this what's something you leaned into today? Ah, this new phrase leaned into today. These kinds of questions train our children's brains to start paying attention to their own participation rather than the end result. It's about the journey along the way, what they learn along the way to getting from A to B, and when they start noticing those moments, they start choosing them more often.

Speaker 1:

Now, number four is normalize, stepping outside the comfort zone. And this one is so important because, let's be honest, teens hesitate. They hesitate to speak up, they hesitate to raise their hand, hesitate to step forward when an opportunity comes their way. Not because they're lazy or unmotivated, because they're afraid of looking silly, bailing or even standing out, and that fear, it, holds them back. But here's what we need to remind them Confidence doesn't come first, participation does. The confidence will follow. Think about it when you learned to drive a car, you weren't confident. The first time you sat behind the wheel you were probably terrified, but you still did it and over time the confidence came. And the same goes for our children and our teenagers. They won't feel confident speaking up for the first time or trying a new sport or leading a group, but when they lean in, despite the fear, confidence will come. And at the moment this is something that we are working on at home with our eldest that if it doesn't come easy to him, he's very reluctant to try it because the fear of failure, the fear of looking silly in front of his peers. And so we are really, really working on that mindset shift for him and that confidence that when you participate, when you start to participate. That's when the confidence will come, not the other way around. And so, as parents, our job is to normalize stepping outside the comfort zone and modeling that for our kids, to encourage them to try, even when it's scary, because that's where growth happens.

Speaker 1:

Number five is to expose our children to new experiences. So this is one of the best ways to encourage a lean and well-informed set is by putting our children in situations where they have to engage. They have to, and this doesn't mean forcing them into uncomfortable situations, don't get me wrong. It means introducing them to experiences that naturally encourage participation. Travelling, for example. This is a huge one for me. This is one of the biggest drivers for me with my children is travel.

Speaker 1:

Seeing new places forces children and teenagers to engage, to adapt and explore. They're in a new culture. They're in a new language. No one speaks their language. They have to learn to communicate in ways other than English. They are trying new food. They are navigating new public transport systems all of that kind of thing. It is such a great way for them to have to engage.

Speaker 1:

Another way is volunteering. Helping others gives our children a sense of purpose and connection, even if it's something small at school, by getting them to volunteer to do something. It is giving them that real sense of leadership, that sense of responsibility. And the other way is trying a new hobby together. I love this one too Something new, sparse, curiosity and engagement. And we have at home these Kiwi boxes that come every month and they're great. You can have them for different age groups, different interests, and we build them together. We get the Tinkerbox I think it is which is all about engineering and building workable models, and the kit comes with everything in it an instruction sheet. You don't need anything else, but it's a really lovely way to spend an hour or two with your children. So the more experiences your teens have, the more leaning in becomes natural. Now, my final way to encourage your children at home to lean in is to teach them to see setbacks as growth.

Speaker 1:

Now, we haven't talked about setbacks much in this episode yet, so let's talk about setbacks now, because here's the truth when teens fail, their first instinct, first instinct is often to lean back, to check out, to avoid trying again to recluse into the cave. But failure isn't the opposite to success, it's actually part of it. It's a really important part of it, and instead of letting our teens shut down. We can help them lean in with curiosity. We can ask them okay, what did you learn from this? Or what would you do differently next time? Or how can you use this experience to grow?

Speaker 1:

Because when failure is seen as a stepping stone, not a roadblock, children and teens are much more likely to stay engaged even when things don't go perfectly. And that's how we build resilience. Because the teens who learn to lean in even in failure are the ones who go on to thrive. Because, at the end of the day, the way we respond to engagement and to effort and to setbacks really shapes our teen's mindset. So let's encourage participation over perfection. Let's help them see failure as feedback and let's remind them that every time they lean in, they're building a future of confidence and of leadership and opportunity. And, superiors, my challenge for you is this when can you help your teen lean in this week? Because one small moment of engagement today could change the course of their future, so powerful. Okay, let's shift tack.

Speaker 1:

Now that we talked about what leaning in means and how to encourage it, let's take a step back and ask the big question why does this matter so much? Why is this one mindset shift, choosing to engage rather than hold back so powerful. Because here's the truth success doesn't belong to the smartest, it doesn't belong to the most talented. It belongs to those who show up, to those who lean in. And when teens learn to do this, it transforms every area of their lives. Let's break it down.

Speaker 1:

Let's look at confidence, which is the power of believing in your own voice. When a teen practices leaning in, raising their hand, stepping forward, speaking up, something incredible happens they stop hesitating, they stop second guessing themselves, they start believing in their own voice. And this is huge because, let's be real, self-doubt is everywhere. How many times have you heard your teen say things like I don't know if my answer is right, what if I sound stupid, or I'll just wait and see what everyone else does first? And that hesitation, it doesn't just hold them back in school, it follows them into adulthood. But when your teen builds the habit of leaning in, even when they're unsure, they start to realize something life-changing their voice matters, their ideas are valuable and their participation makes a real difference. And that right there is the foundation of confidence. But it's not. But we're not just talking about confidence. We're talking about opportunities, because engaged teens create their own future.

Speaker 1:

Let me tell you something that might surprise you. The biggest opportunities in life really go to the most qualified person. They go to the person who shows up. Take it from me. We've run eight-figure companies. I have been in business for over 10 years. My husband's been an entrepreneur pretty much his entire adult life, and I joined him 10 years ago after leaving teaching. And one of the big things that we look for when we are employing people and we are working with people or we are contracting with people and we are working with people or we are contracting with people is how people show up, not how qualified they are. How they show up.

Speaker 1:

Think about it the student who gets chosen for leadership positions it's not always the smartest kid. It's the one who raises their hand and steps up. Is it the person who lands an incredible job? No, it's not always the one with the perfect resume. It's the one who shows enthusiasm, builds relationships and takes initiative. And the teen who gets the best mentorships or internships or connections it's the one who leans in and engages rather than waiting for life to happen to them. So if we want our teens to have more opportunities in life, the best thing we can do is teach them to be engaged, because the truth is, opportunities don't just appear, they are created by those who lean in.

Speaker 1:

Let's talk about something even more important, because life it's not always easy. There will be setbacks, there will be rejections, there will be moments where things don't go as planned, and here's what I see so often in teens who have been conditioned to lean back. They give up too quickly. They avoid challenges because they're afraid of failing. They take rejection personally and assume that they're not good enough. But teens who lean in, on the other hand, ah, they see setbacks differently. They learn from failure instead of fearing it. They push through hard moments because they know growth happens when they stay engaged and they understand that one no doesn't define them. It just means there is another opportunity ahead. They don't take no as a rejection, and this resilience, this ability to keep going, is what sets them apart. Because in life, the ones who succeed aren't the ones who never fail, they're the ones who fail. They are the ones who fail who learn, adjust and keep moving forward. So the more that we can support our children through rejection and through their no's in life, the greater the resilience they'll build.

Speaker 1:

Now let's shift gears for a second and talk about relationships, because leaning in is not just about success, it's about connection. And if we want our teens to build strong, meaningful relationships, they have to learn how to engage. Think about the difference between a child who sits at the lunch table scrolling through their phone waiting for someone to talk to them and a child who leans in, asks questions, makes eye contact and shows genuine interest in their friends, which one is going to build deeper friendships? And it's the same with family too. A teen who leans in during conversations, who engages in discussions, who actively participates in their relationships, they develop stronger bonds, better communication skills and a deeper sense of belonging. And that ability it carries into adulthood. Because, whether it's friendships, romantic relationships or future career connections, the people who succeed aren't just the smartest or the most talented. They're the ones who know how to engage with others. So building those stronger relationships starts young. It starts with our children, and we model that as parents.

Speaker 1:

Now, lastly, let's talk about leadership before we wrap things up, because here's something a lot of people get wrong Leadership isn't about titles, it's not about being the loudest person in the room. It's about engagement. Great leaders are the ones who listen attentively, participate fully take initiative when something needs to be done and step forward when others hesitate. And the best part, this starts young. So we're seeing a pattern here.

Speaker 1:

Leadership relates to leaning in, and when teens develop the habit of leaning in, they're naturally going to become the ones who take the lead in group projects, who encourage others to step up, who make a positive impact in their communities and who stand out in job interviews and college applications and beyond. Because when you teach a teen to engage with life, you're not just preparing them for success, you're preparing them to lead, and that comes as a bonus. That comes as an additional bonus to teaching our children to lean in. Not all of our children are born natural leaders, and I get that. I have children too. But when we teach them to lean in, to take new opportunities, then the byproduct of that is leadership. It starts to come naturally. We can start to encourage that very organically, very naturally, almost subconsciously, when we show them and model them how to lean in with opportunities in life. So, parents, here's what I want you to take away from today's episode this one mindset shift. It changes everything.

Speaker 1:

When a teen learns to lean in, to participate, to engage, to step forward instead of holding back. They gain confidence, they start believing in their voice, they gain opportunities. They see and they seize chances that others don't. They learn resilience. They push through challenges instead of avoiding them. They gain stronger relationships, they connect more deeply with people and they gain leadership skills. They have the potential to stand out as future leaders and, the best part, this is something that we, as parents and educators, can help them build, because, in the end, success doesn't just belong to the smartest or the most talented in the room. It belongs to those who show up, who participate, who lean in.

Speaker 1:

So, parents, here's my challenge for you this week. You've got a few challenges I've set you today. Look for moments where your teen has the chance to lean in. Maybe it's raising their hand in class, or maybe it's stepping into hand in class, or maybe it's stepping into a new social situation, or maybe it's just simply engaging in conversation at home. And when they do, celebrate it, encourage it, reinforce it, because the more they practice leaning in, the more they'll start to realize something really life-changing. They are capable, they are valuable and their participation matters. And that, my friend, that is how we raise confident, engaged, future-ready young adults.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of Challenge your Mind, change the World. I really enjoyed this talking about this episode with you. Developing leadership and developing confidence with our young people is one of my life's passion projects. It's something very close to my heart and it's something that I hold as so dear and so important to my own children. So if I have been able to help you with your family in any way with this episode, I am truly humbled. It's how I help young people with the confidence to lead academy and I am humbled if you have been able to take away anything from this episode and if this episode resonated with you, share it with another parent who needs to hear this. I'll see you next time and remember always lean in, never back. Bye for now.

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