EP 3:25 Undetectable and Unashamed with Jose

Supplemental Study Guide: https://www.recoveryalchemy.org/newsletters/blog/posts/unshamed

In this deeply personal episode of The AfterMeth Podcast, Dallas sits down with José Barrientos, a 33-year-old Latino gay man from Los Angeles now living in Queens, New York, whose story weaves together early childhood wounds, HIV diagnosis, crystal meth addiction, and a hard-won recovery. José opens up about growing up in a single-parent household, seeking validation from older men as a teenager, and his first encounter with crystal meth at just fourteen years old — an experience that quickly spiraled into intravenous use by sixteen. He shares how he seroconverted to HIV-positive around that same time, not learning his status until 2010, and how the compounding shame of being gay, HIV-positive, and a meth user left him feeling like "damaged goods" for years.

José traces his recovery journey from a pivotal moment at 21 — hospitalized with collapsed veins, untreated STIs, and drug-induced psychosis — to finding community through 12-step programs, trauma therapy, and his current role as a spokesperson for the HIV Stops With Me campaign, a New York State Department of Health initiative working to destigmatize HIV through real people sharing their real stories. He reflects on inner child healing, the difference between getting sober for someone else versus doing it for yourself, and the importance of education and community for gay men navigating HIV and chemsex recovery. Dallas and José also challenge the dangerous misconceptions still prevalent on hookup apps around HIV status, undetectable equals untransmittable (U=U), and what it truly means to protect oneself — offering listeners both raw honesty and genuine hope.

Contact Jose:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/its2025.Jose
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/its2026.jose/
You can visit: https://hivstopswithme.org/

The AfterMeth:

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

When I learned about my HIV, again, it was between the age of 15 and 16 where I zero converted. Um, I didn't learn that I was HIV positive until April. Uh it was April 21st of 2010. So I have been um positive for over 16 years now. And I the way I found out was I had ChemSex.

SPEAKER_03 0:25

Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering. All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast. I'm your host, Dallas. Thank you for being here. Appreciate you watching and watching. And can you probably get tired of me saying this, but record numbers, our numbers continue to go up and up and up. Um really happy to hear that. And and up in other countries too. Uh 50% of our followers or listeners download in the US, 40% in the UK. Um, the rest are spread out all over the all over the world, growing in places like Australia, Malaysia, Pakistan. Um so it's interesting to see how the podcast is getting into the ears and eyes of those who need to see and hear it. And you're helping by commenting, by liking, by subscribing, by rating and reviewing. Continue to do that. Uh please, I appreciate it. And by the way, if you do leave a comment now before I I couldn't respond to you because I I couldn't get your number or anything like that. Now I have access to so if you put a comment, if you send us a comment and you ask a question, I'll be able to answer it. So I appreciate that very much. So today we're going to get into who knows what we're going to get into. Um, but I met my friend Jose on Instagram. Um, and I think he messaged me. I messaged you. I don't know. We saw each other. Uh Instagram is just like this little like, you know, virtual networking playing field now. Um, but Jose has a story to tell, and Jose um is someone who lives with is living with HIV, and I have not covered enough yet HIV on this podcast. Um and what a I I don't know why, because it it's it's so rampant in the chemsex community. It's very common in the chemsex community. Um, and I've done one podcast, I think it was season, I don't know if it was one or two now. I don't remember with Mark Mark S. King. Mark King writes for Paws Magazine and is a very popular, very famous actually writer of a book, My Fabulous Disease and um essays. So we talked about HIV, we talked about stigma, um, I Bit Open that I'm also living with HIV. Um I caught it the first time that I slammed. Um I I you know, I tell I sorry, I'll let you talk in a minute. I I I've talked a lot about when I was in Chemsex, in in my chemsex use that I brought in a lot of wounded birds. So it was these younger men, no job, no car, no house, no money, nothing. Just a little broken wing just hopping in my house and I would say, come on in, let me feed you all these, let me feed you some meth, you know, and let me take care of you. Um because I, you know, I'm I'm daddy and I have all the the money and the supplies and the house and all that stuff, which backfired on me every fucking time. Um, but this particular one I just fell for so hard. I was just always looking to fall in love with a with a meth user for some reason, but fell for him very hard and he s talked me. Well, I allowed him to talk me into slamming. Um he did not talk me into slamming. You have to be very careful with your wording so that you don't you don't see this as a as a victim, right? Because I make my own choices. So I decided to allow him to slam me with a needle that had been used before. Um also when we we um did all kinds of sexual things to each other, but after we were done, he said to me, Congratulations, you have AIDS. Um and so he knew he had he knew he was giving he had HIV. Probably didn't take his medication, I would say. Um this is this is also a whole other story too about he went into a schizophrenic um psychotic state. Anyway, anyway, that's that's when I caught when I contracted HIV, I actually stopped using meth for about three months. Um it was probably the longest I went, I think, in that skep span of time, because some people find out they have HIV and go on a death wish, you know, and they spiral into more use. I went the other way where I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna die. And I stopped. Of course I returned back, but when I returned back, it was more reckless because you do have this kind of like, oh well, you know, uh, what else can I get kind of thing that you know some people have. But anyway, coming out of that, I'll if you're listening, I I have to stop saying by the way, if you're listening, there's gotta be another way to say this to the listener. When you listen to this, yeah, yeah. If you listening to this, you understand the shame that you you carry shame of being a quote unquote addict. And then you have the shame of the drug you used, uh, meth, which has the biggest, you know, probably the worst stigma of all. You have the shame of being gay, then you have the shame of I also have HIV. So there's this feeling of being damaged goods. And um there's a lot to overcome there. And then when you get into the community and you get asked questions like, I just got asked the other day, you know, do you have any diseases? Like it's not, it's not are you clean anymore? It's like, what you got any diseases? You know, um, where are we? I'm like, where where are we? It's 2026. You know, and so I I do think I I I'm just amazed still at uh the ignorance. And here's the thing, and I'll then I'll let you talk. But when I I want to explain to these guys on these apps, if you say, Do you have any diseases or are you clean, the answer comes back yes. You're taking your life at stake here. You're taking the you're you're giving your health in the hands of somebody you've never fucking met on an app, you're taking his word for it that he's quote unquote clean. This motherfucker may have been fucked three times in the last two days, and you're you'll let him come over and you'll go raw, but somebody says I'm undetectable and they're totally off limits. You don't understand that you're so much safer with the undetectable person because you he knows his status. But you're taking the word of a stranger off grinder to let you come inside you. What is happening? Yeah. And so I just you know, I don't know. I just it but anyway, uh we can talk about all of that and more, but I just wanted to get all that out there in terms of we need to be talking about HIV more on this podcast. We need to be helping men feel less ashamed. Uh, and you're doing that work, Jose, and I really appreciate what you're doing. So now let me turn this over to you and introduce yourself to us. Thank you for being okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:16

Thank you, Doctor. You know, I really um I do appreciate that. So um I'm Jose. Um my last name is Barrientos. Um, and I am currently 33 years old. I was um my birthday actually just passed on May 11th. So um happy birthday to me. Uh we're in Taurus season. Um, happy birthday to every other tourist out there and all the special signs of the astrological signs, you know, all that jazz. But um, I um uh no, thank you. I really it was really moving. Um, I like I've said to you before, I am kind of a fan. I did come to you. That's so so to answer your question. Yeah, I approached um, you know, I've been following you on Spotify uh specifically uh for a little over 18 months. Um and it's really and I I really find it um empowering and just um I feel seen, you know, when I when I first started to hear and and and then um and then I saw that you can there was a visual, you actually had um a record, like you were recording yourself, and I didn't know that you were you got you were recording your face too. So then I saw that feature and I was like, oh, I can watch it too. But the audio was good enough because it was able to, I was able to concentrate just to the audio, to your voice and the the message and the importance behind it. So um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um what else? So I currently live in uh Queens, New York. Um, I was born and raised in Los Angeles, California. Um and um before I get into the that part of my life of how I in um how I uh what's the word? Oh my god, being diagnosed with HIV, let's just put it that way. Um I um so I come from a um a single parent household. Um and uh my mother did her best. I will never say that she didn't do enough. So I appreciate you giving me, you know, you saying about the words, you know, words is uh words matter how you say words. Um so um did I have certain um uh moments where I had to grow from certain experiences? Yes. Um, but again, up to this point, um my relationship with my mother is is um I'm able to have a civil conversation and ask her any question, and she does her best to answer it in that moment. It wasn't like that before. So I was this very young, angst, um, confused, filled with questions, and I was seeking all those questions and valid validation from men and um majority men, you know. So I sought I sought out for identification from anyone who who was obviously a queer man. Um and sometimes a lot of closeted cases. Actually, when I was younger, I think I was I hid behind a lot I encountered a lot more closeted men than I did outed, you know, people who were out. And um, yeah, you know what? I I don't think I've ever said that out loud. You know, I I don't think I've said that out loud before because but now like here we go. Here's the part that I remember. I remember allowing it to happen, like not feeling like it's a crime or anything bad, because I was also playing um a lie. I was I was dancing with my own lies because so I was young, I was about I was about 14 years old when I started to, you know, um search and at a click of a button, you know, go into websites that I shouldn't have been at as a 14-year-old. So um, you know, some of those I'll go ahead and say it. Um, they're probably not even like the shit anymore. Uh we have Adam for Adam, you know, we have Craigslist. Um I think there was Manhunt. And but like the the main one that I that I really feel like I I put myself in a lot of jeopardy was um Craigslist. I would go to the casual encounters, men for men kind of thing. Um, and you know what's crazy is like my my ballsy boldness would actually put um I would put my own posts, you know, even being underage, and I would say that I was the infamous number was always 19 because people would believe that I was 19. I don't know why. Yeah, 19 was the age. And so um I um I wrote that and I had an eight, I had a I had a different name, um, and everyone believed it. Like, I don't know. I don't know if they believed it or if they were actually chasing, you know, they were freaking pedophiles, or I don't know at this point. So that's that's either, you know, that's uh that's just the past, but um how do I how do I jump into this? Um so I don't want to give too much of the sob story of my childhood, you know, that past. My mom did her best. I did graduate high school. I went to high school in San Bernardino, California. Um, I graduated, I did my best towards the end of the years. I got, oh, uh substance use. Um the substance use came into my life when um I was merely just going to a lot of party events, like um, not sexual just yet. They were um, I would go to raves, uh music festivals, um, uh back backyard parties, kickbacks, um, that kind of stuff. And um I was I was very much an amateur dancer. I loved electronic dance music, um, and um anything festival like. I was um yeah, I was I was sold. Like I really wanted to just always be amongst people who did that. I I um I danced. I don't know if I was really good at it, but I got a lot of audio, a lot of applause. Um, and I lived for that. I lived for that. I lived for the applause. Here goes the quoting Gaga, right? But um, you know, I lived for the applause, and then um, yeah, we, you know, uh one drug, like they say in in a lot of um spaces, you know, one drug, um, you know, you evolve, you go from one drug to another. And I went from using um marijuana at an early age, and I was skipping years because um it was done. I always thought that that marijuana was just like a cigarette, you know, like it didn't do shit. Um and then I would see everyone do it, and like everyone was just casually having a, you know, you get the munchies, you eat, then you carry on with your dating, you know, and sometimes you fall asleep because you're tired. But um, then drinking came around, you know. I I think it started with like going to the liquor store, having an L uh an older person buy the liquor or the beer for me because uh I was underage. Um, or some establishments actually were selling the alcohol because everything. So, you know, um, yeah, um, this is just my experience that I went through. And um, you know, I don't blame any of my friends. I actually, you know, shout out to anyone who's gonna watch this. You know, I love you guys. My my all my teen and teenage friends who I grew up with, you know, this was never a bad influence from their from their end. Um I always made my conscious decision to get myself into whatever because I wanted to, I wanted to explore, I wanted to experience, I wanted to be grown. Like that's what it was. Like the the truth is that um at 14, 15, I just wanted to feel grown. I wanted to feel like I could I um because there was always something, and this is gonna be perfect um segue to get into the HIV stuff. Um I always felt like I was um old, I always felt like I was older than my than what I was absorbing. So like the the spaces that I would put myself in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So uh when I when I when I got diagnosed with HIV, let's just jump at that. When I got diagnosed with HIV, um I had already started to dive really deep into no strings attached, um, hookups, and all of that stuff. And my first experience um wasn't the the wasn't where I got the HIV, but I um I'll be uh truthful to say that up to this point I don't know who gave me HIV, but I know under what conditions or whereabouts is where I contracted HIV. Um so definitely was Craigslist, I'm more than certain, because that's where I dove really into getting um a lot of the guys, and um now I don't want to blame drugs um all the way. I I my first experience with um with crystal meth. Here comes crystal meth. So I remember being in a hotel, it was a sleazy motel. I don't even think it was high class, it wasn't even a hotel, it was a motel, I think. It was a motel. And um there was this guy, and he he must have been like biracial or something. Uh he was older. He was wearing this like mechanical suit, I remember. He wore like this mechanical suit, almost kind of like like very Michael Myers, like very like Halloween Michael Myers type, like you know, the the the you know, the one overalls, yeah, like overalls. Kind of yeah, like the one that you just zip up, it's like this blue thing. Um but um he wore that. I still remember very vividly, and um he had a very masculine scent to him, like almost like you know, like he's been having a he had a hard hard long day at work, and um um, and as a you know, as a as a young fucking, you know, horny little a horny guy that I was at that age, like I thought that that was hot and sexy, right? Like, oh god, I'm about to have me a man, you know? And uh and so how old were you? I was I was like 14, 15. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:47

When you tried crystal meth? Yeah. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:51

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crystal meth uh uh the first time. And so uh yeah, I was definitely about to be 15 because um I um I started to zero convert from having HIV. I started to get all the um the symptoms um around 15.

SPEAKER_03 19:07

So uh Can you can you tell us can you tell us what zero convert means?

SPEAKER_00 19:12

Serial conversion, um again, guys, you know, so please uh go to a dictionary, go to Google, but I'm gonna give you my experience on what I understand zero conversion is. To me, uh it's when I um when I when my when HIV, the virus, um um came into the host, right? So from one body to another body, uh passed it on to me, and I started to experience the side effects. I mean, sorry, the symptoms, because side effects are are like medication-wise, but symptoms of like um for me, my mine were um I started to have a lot of body sweats, um, fever-like, flu-like symptoms, uh, drastic loss of weight, diarrhea for no um uh evident cause, and um I would have kind of like skin, like I would get really itchy, and there would be like some kind of like it felt like like eczema or some kind of rash um skin kind of condition. Um I've I've confirmed that there are a lot of people who get these kind of things. Also, I don't know if I answered that, but zero zero conversion is basically yeah, when you when you go from negative to having HIV crossover. Gotcha. I mean, doctor, do you do you have a better definition?

SPEAKER_03 20:24

I'm not sure if I ex if I No, no, no, yeah, it's just it's just a con it's the conversion, yeah, conversion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can just and you can and you can call me Dallas, by the way. Just call me Dallas.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Okay. Dallas, okay.

SPEAKER_03 20:37

Um yeah. So you're you're 14, almost 15. You're in a what, nights in or something? Red, you know, not even a red roof, probably, it sounds like.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

I you know, I I don't even know what it was. I think it, yeah, I think it was probably like a mom and pop's type, but it I it may be a travel lodge. I don't fucking know.

SPEAKER_03 20:58

Yeah, yeah. Yes, I remember uh one that I I was it's uh in western North Carolina when I met another one of these wounded birds that I fell in love with and took home with me from there. But we went to this, it was the it was a shed, basically, it was the sheds lined up, basically. It was terrible. I've never been in anything like that before. Like the water was brown that came out of the sink. It was a horrible, but to me and my meth state, I thought that was so hot for some reason. I thought it was just so hot. But anyway, so you're you're almost 15 years old. This man, this man just fixed a car, it sounds like, and he's he's horny and greased up, ready to ready to fuck you. So yeah, this is this is the first time you tried myth at that age. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:50

What was that like? You want to know? Okay, so um I I I when I went into this person's room, um, we so he he Apparently he had this room already, because anyways, I went into the room. Um, and he I think he went to the bathroom. I don't I don't remember, but just, you know, to fast forward, I remember him um smoking. So the room is dark, you know, and I don't know at that age why I didn't have any kind of anxiety or fear. But for some reason, I was so, you know, but I had not hit, listen, I had I had not even hit the crystal meth yet. So my inner, like, I don't know what it is. I don't know if it was just me like chasing for danger or like being young and naive and like just not having that sudden care in the world. I don't know what it is, but um he pulls out what it looked like, uh, you know, it was a glass pipe. It was like, you know, I thought I was just like, what is the science experiment that he's about to show me? So it looked, yeah, like, you know, of course, like, you know, you you got the glass pipe, and he's and he's just smoking it. And then um I'm gazing because I had already smoked like um weed, and um, I've done weed and I had done like other, you know, other party drugs. But um I noticed how the smoke just floated real thick and slow. And I said, this does not look like anything I've ever been around, you know, and that um kind of intrigued me because I was like, because and then the way he just like uh immediately from like he just he seemed so calm. He seemed so calm. Because um, my experience up to like from you know, the person I am today, there are two different types of meth addicts. You know, you have the ones that for some reason meth slows them down, and then you have those who get wired, right? They get they're like freaking Sonic the Hedgehogs, right? So for for him, I realized how slow and in control and and sexy it looked.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

There was something very sexy about how he was doing it, and he just goes like this.

SPEAKER_00 24:06

He just hands, he just he put he pulls it up and he's like and he's holding the smoke and he's like, You want some? And he's like letting it go, you know. And sorry for the explicit anyone trigger warning, trigger warning. I'm not trying to kick up anybody's shit.

SPEAKER_03 24:22

Yeah, that's yeah, that was that was pretty graphic.

SPEAKER_00 24:25

Okay, I'm sorry. But that's okay, but you know, so that was just like my experience.

SPEAKER_03 24:30

So but the voice, the voice, the voice was perfect. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 24:36

And so basically, um, to give uh to my first experience was not me pressing my lips onto a glass pipe. It actually wasn't. My first experience was actually um, it was what we call shotgun, right? So um, so this person, because I didn't know what I was doing, um, and I I just didn't want to be responsible for burning anyone's shit, like, because I didn't know what the hell was going on. So he um he's like, he's like, I'm going to blow this into your mouth, you know, and just and just suck it in. Um and that's it. So my first experience with with crystal meth, methamphetamines was me inhaling someone else's yeah, you know, his his his his hit. And um and then of course from there he he uh it carried on to different experiences. That same night I did explore um other ways. Um, but that was my first experience. And um I don't think that that was the yeah go ahead. Oh, I was just gonna finish off and say that I don't think that that's where I caught HIV. It's not where I caught HIV, but that was my first time that I um I did bareback. I did uh I I had my first um without a condom experience. And um because of Crystal Meth, like I feel like that's where I lost all care, you know, all inhibitions. Um I lost the care for myself. Like I wasn't focused. I was so um I lost the focus. That's it. You know, I lost focus.

SPEAKER_03 26:08

Yeah. So did this carry on then? Like what what so tell us uh broad in a in a broad way, like what was your myth experience like then after that?

SPEAKER_00 26:19

Um I didn't touch that drug for more maybe like um two and a half years. I would say um I was so I was yeah, so from 14, uh that was 14. So 14, 15, 16, um, I think about 16 is where I I came in uh came in contact with it again. Um and I already, and that was the first time I actually used um intravenously. So uh yeah, so I used intravenously for the first time between 16 and 17. And to fast forward a little bit more 16 and 17, it wasn't so bad. It actually was like the glory days, call it. You know, it was I was enjoying it. There was no kind of bad experiences. And of course, I wasn't doing it myself. I I didn't know how to prepare, I didn't know how to what's the right spot and what to do. Do you need a tourniquet? Do I not? I don't know, none of that. By 19 though, I learned how to do it um successfully by myself through observation. I was observing other people doing it, and I just lo and behold, I learned how to how to be a great injector.

SPEAKER_01 27:32

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

But yeah, um, by by then I had already so is it okay if I share the story of where I found out about HIV? Yes, yeah, good. Okay, so um there's something in my spirit uh from also doing a lot of therapy work, uh, because obviously I cannot do this all by myself. Um, I went through some guidance and doing a lot of trauma work uh with some uh professionals. And um, and this actually all of this developed within my 20s to my early 30s. Like I I didn't learn anything about I didn't learn about this healing or this this information that was stored um until I got older and um in recovery. But um when I when I learned about my HIV, again, it was between the age of 15 and 16 where I zero converted. Um I didn't learn that I was HIV positive until April, uh it was April 21st of 2010. So I have been um positive for over 16 years now. And I the way I found out was I had been intravenously using um obsessively, and um I had abscesses, I had um my my veins were beginning to be shot out at uh at a before the age of 21. God had been uh I had I had already been like my family were uh you know, this is this is the moment that I'm gonna be careful with my words because I know that they're going to watch this. Um, by the way, all of my aunts and everyone, cousins, family, anyone who supported me along the way. I love you so much. Thank you so much for helping me along the way because I needed those sofas, I needed that plate of food, I needed that hug, and I needed that attention when I did need it. And I don't think I've ever said that. So thank you. Um, whenever at that time, like my family, they were never no one ever told me not to do what I'm doing, right? Like in my family, we never spoke about like correcting, like, oh, you're doing something too much. Like, I don't know if it's with the Latino culture. I don't know what it is, because I don't want to single out one race or one culture, you know, that they do something different than the others. But I just think that um my family just had this thing of like they just trusted that I was gonna do that I was like, or maybe I hid my I hid that side of my that world so well that no one can can see that I was just a menace to my own self. Like I was, I was I was crazy. I was I was troubled for myself. But um I carried myself so well, like I was I I lost all inhibition. Usually when I would go crazy, it was usually behind closed doors. Like on the outside, I would, I would, I would paint it out so pretty, right? Like I would I would make sure I bath, I would make sure I'm my hair is always on on point. Like I it didn't it didn't really show on the outside. Like if I had like you know any kind of like bad marks from like shooting up, like I would wear a long sleeve, like it was always hidden, or I would put a little bit of makeup, a bandage, and I would say, Oh, I just went and I got some I got some blood work, you know, just like those were my excuses. I'm I always covered up everything. I knew how to put up a show. And um not until I got to, you know, until I got older, you know, and we're gonna touch talk about the the campaign is where I I I I learned a little bit more of how to speak, how to speak and how to carry myself a certain way without representing, you know, so much of the mess and the pain, but more of like utilizing it as a message. Um yeah, because I said a lot in that little whirlwind there.

SPEAKER_03 31:26

Um yeah, so let me just take a moment. Let me let me put a pause you you started using as a teenager. Um you started using IV as a 16-year-old. By nine 19 you learned how to self-administer, and then 21 your veins are collapsing, your life is falling apart, and somehow no one no one knew around you. Right. And it it comes back to like when I think about that and when I think about how calm you were in a dark room with an older man with a a man who knows how old he was, right? Um and you you said I was always older than what I was absorbing, and I always wanted to be grown.

SPEAKER_02 32:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:14

Right. Yeah. I mean, do you this is this is a lot for a 21 year old even, but let's not, you know, they didn't talk about 18, 19, 17, 16. But honey, it was a blur. It was a blur on and to experience um and so you know, I don't we could dig into your your upbringing and lack of father and all that kind of stuff, but what a what a what a way to begin your your life and what what to what what a life to experience first and foremost to make you really grown early, soon, sooner than it should be, right? And so you you became positive in 2010. But what what before we talk more about that, what finally what finally got you out of what what started your recovery journey and what has your recovery journey been like?

SPEAKER_00 33:12

Um you want me to fast forward to the recovery part? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:17

Yeah. No, yeah, yeah. Let's fast yeah, let's fast forward to because that's going to be the big question a lot of people have is okay, you're bait you're you're you're you're shooting up all the time, your veins are busting out. How did you stop? Because yeah, if peop a lot of people will be listening and will identify with that, and maybe that's where they are right now, but they don't know where to begin. So what what was it, what was the catalyst for you, and what was that like?

SPEAKER_00 33:45

So the my my turning point, the point where um uh where I finally noticed that, you know, everyone um is not saying something for some reason. I had to um I really just I had to look at myself in the mirror and um not be afraid because I was always so afraid of the shadows, and I was always afraid of the mirrors, and I was always afraid of um say speaking in my own voice out loud because I'm afraid of someone hearing me. And um to answer that question very truthfully, like um can you repeat that one more time? Sorry, just yeah, what what what was the catalyst to stop? Like what made you the the drug use, right?

SPEAKER_02 34:38

Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:40

The first moment that I took a stop. So um I ended up in the hospital. I ended up in the hospital at age 21, and um I was about 21, and um, yeah. And there was uh there was a lady there. Uh again, uh I want to say this. I always say this in some of my videos. Uh thank you, everyone. Medical field, uh, people who do the work that a lot of people don't say just thank you because we're in our shit and we're like angry or uh the bill's about to be high or whatever it is, right? Like, I just say thank you because there's a lot of hard workers in the field, um, medical substance abuse and all of that. But um, there was a lady there and she just kept saying this, like, you remind me of my son. Whatever it is that you're doing, you know, and it was and it honestly was very unprofessional. At the time, I was just like, who the fuck is this bitch? Like thinking that she can tell me what the fuck my life is and uh, right? I like here I go. But now that I'm older and more mature, and that was a lot of wisdom. That was someone empathizing and having compassion for me and just being stern, you know, and seeing identification that that someone like me looks like her son, perhaps, right? Or maybe a son that she lost and she didn't know how to say that, right? And so she's she's doing the hard work because she's seeing a fucking Latino boy that maybe reminds her reminds of her son, like save your life before you lose your life, you know. So that's what she said. She's she literally told me that. She was like, whatever you're doing, you're doing it wrong, or like you're you're you're you're you know, because um she she's like looking at the the clipboard and she's opening the things and she's just like from what I see here, you have syphilis untreated, you have HIV, and it's not undetectable, you have this and you have that, and it's like um, you know, um you have untreated gonorrhea, your assphole is is is uh you got you gotta put some oint in there, you know, like all of these things that that's very embarrassing to admit, but that is that was like that was the the the the the dead end, honey, the dead end of that road. Um and I and I heard her, and within, and I still remember within all of that beautiful like information and very raw truth, um the voices still were playing. Like I was going through schizo, it's like very strong schizoaffective, you know, disorder, and I was hearing audio, audio like audio shit playing in my head, you know, while she's talking, and all of that is like basically cussing her out. Like all the voices were saying, you know, fuck this bitch. Who does she think she is? Why is she why are you letting her talk to you like this? So, anywho, um, her and the insurance, um, the people who handle insurances and and like um ref referral and resources. Um I was referraled out to uh my first treatment center. Um, actually, my first and only. So yeah. So my first and only uh TC that I ever um went to and shout out to Cedar House in Blooming, uh Bloomington, California. Um I was there for a mere I was there for a mere 40 days. Oh yeah, I was only I was only there for 40 days. Um, reason why I I was threatening to stab someone with some scissors because I kept hearing them say that I'm a faggot and that I have HIV and that I'm gonna die and that I'm disgusting and that I shouldn't be around here. Who the hell do I think that I'm gonna recover around all these? Because they were all straight guys, people who didn't look like me, people who didn't do the same drug as me, um, and they weren't speaking so openly like me. Because I was, I would be in these support circles, these um workshops or whatever we call them, right? Um, uh core groups that we call them in in our in these rehabs. And um, I was trying to save my life. Like I was really there trying to save my life and talking about like, you know, sometimes um I do I do look back and sometimes talking about a little bit of a mess is important, you know, at least having a safe space to be able to like at least one person, but that young me, that nine, that uh 21-year-old me wanted to just tell someone, I um like I was using drugs to fucking kill my like like I like it was a lot of things like between using you know crystal meth, like I wanted to like there was secretly like I wanted someone, I wanted to find my friends charming and behind all the clouds. You know, like like I wanted someone to save me, right? I wanted someone to, you know, to say, hey, um stop using this drug, it's killing you, but let me love you. Let me learn, let me teach you how to like let me show you how you to be loved, you know, so you can love yourself more. I don't know. Um yeah, let me pause there because I I think I'm I'm kind of I don't I don't really know what direction I'm going.

SPEAKER_03 39:44

Yeah. Okay. So you in the hospital and then you went you went straight to treat a treatment. And so people who are listening can, I'm sure will identify with this, and I can too, is that you're put in a treatment center with straight people, or sometimes men and women, and or they're heroin addicts, they're um maybe they're alcoholics, or maybe they have hair uh problem with heroin, and you feel isolated, right? You feel like no one understands this, and then they're very ill-equipped to deal with and address chem sex. So now if you're if for those of you that are listening and and need a treatment center or know somebody who does, there are treatment centers in the US who are specializing in chemsex, like no matter what recovery in LA or breathe recovery in LA. Um, but I'll put the links in the show notes too. But this is an example of how you know you you I you feel so more much more isolated, stigmatized, uh, and uh any even more shame in treatment because you can't talk about uh what happened with chem sex. Nobody can relate. I would say for you as a 21-year-old who's been, you know, basically using and having sex since you're 14, um you needed somebody. You needed a mentor, you needed somebody to s to to take you in their uh you know, under their wings. Thankfully, this this lady at the hospital was you know, said something to you to make you make you change your your ways there. Um and so you you go there for 40 days, and then what was your what's your recovery journey been like?

SPEAKER_00 41:28

So um so since that was my first TC, uh my first rehab, I never went back to one because I was very, I was honestly very disappointed in myself. Um for anyone that's watching or listening, like, like don't give up on yourself. You know, if if you had a bad experience with something, um that's something I wish someone would have told me from the beginning, like not a recovery coach, not a serpa, not a case act no one ever told me that. But I simply just wanted someone to give me some motivational um in, you know, am I like right? Motivate, interview me or something and tell me, um, you know, this is just bad one bad experience. You know, it's not the it's not the result for everything, you know. And so for me, I just needed someone to give me that encouragement that like if one door closed for you, don't give up. You know, the the for me, the the solution and the sauce, right, for me was that I just needed um someone to empathize with me and said that and just tell me that this drug will just ruin your life if you continue. And when I was able to find that was when I finally went through uh I gave myself a break. One thing I one thing I did get out of that place is that I realized that there are 12-step meetings. So there people get in groups, you know, let's just put it that way. People get in groups, have circle, have meetings, you go fellowship, you know, whatever it is. Let's just not call it for one fellowship, right? But you have all these fellowships out there, which is beautiful, that there are different um avenues and lines of salvation for people. Um, I think it's great. Um, anything that just makes you stay stop, I think it's amazing. You know, I'm I'm a big believer in anything that just keeps you away from harm's way, danger, whatever that is for you, whether it's sex, crystal meth, heroin, pill popping, snorting, you know, you know, all of that stuff, you know, or even just codependency. You know, there's so many things out there that I think I left off in my in my in my journey. But um it's um today what's working for me is that I am um I am a member of of some 12-step programs, and um it clearly does help me to understand that I need community. Community is what what I need the most. Um, when I don't feel like I need community and I need a little bit of self preservation, that's also okay. But I know today that self preservation, I don't have to fear having something. alone time so that I can absorb all the all the all the magnificent things that are really happening because the person that I am today um is there it's still the the person that I was still lives in there right we talk about in in in other you know people have always spoken about the inner child like that's still something that I am learning to heal and that's why I spent a lot of time talking about that because that is exactly where I'm at right now I'm learning to to kind of look at that inner that mirror within and look in and having that inner child look at that mirror you know and and gaze through the other side which is my life and see how beautiful his life has has changed you know because of it really has been because of struggle it really has I have to give a lot of I have to tilt my hat to the struggle that I had to go through because without that I don't think anyone if you're listening or watching I don't think you have to put yourself in harm's way to get some kind of experience and that but that was my story. I put myself in a lot of very sketchy dangerous risky situations because I thought that I needed that kind of like level up kind of thing I thought that I needed to experience something to be a stronger gay in this community. I thought that I needed to have sex a certain way so that I can like be able to to be um a better fit for for the next hung guy or whatever right like I I did all of that just so that I can in the end you know I I touched on codependency because I wanted in the end it was love that I wanted right in the end I was it was it was like love some people can say that love can be almost like a drug you know and for me it was also you know I like that you mentioned this Dallas that you mentioned um you know I'm having a little fart a brain fart moment but um you mentioned you know it's it's really just wanting someone to just be there like I I just um protection to show me the right way you know like and and and honestly I found that from you know I thought that those mentors you know how to use drugs successfully you know I thought that that was love and I thought that that was someone um there yeah exactly that's the point that I wanted to say so and and and I had it all wrong I had it all wrong you know and so today you know I have all these other people who show me and again and I and we spoke about this a little bit off camera like I um you know I have a sponsor and I have I have sponsies of my own and I have let's just call them people that I that I I surround myself with but here's the big one my sponsor is just another person who had a drug problem just like me and he's human and he's human so the shit that I sometimes feel like that I don't agree with that's okay for me to have a uh that I I want I might want to roll my eyes I might want to not talk to him on the dinner table I might not want to to agree with what he's saying because you know after it all like I I think that you know um no one is perfect there is no perfect way let me just put it that way there's no perfect way to you know but for me all I can say to give a little bit more hope is um if there is a um if there's a way for you to just slow down your use um you don't have to completely stop but if you can slow down your use by just um taking a moment with yourself like if you've had a bad party like let me just I remember my worst like my last one let me put it this way my last one was um my last one was when I I was found in a motel this was in 2021 um I was already uh 28 years old so um the my last one I was found in a motel um because I chose to go and hike there and the only way that I snapped out out I snapped out of the meth um the meth hypnosis or you know we all know what that's like right the we get into this like hypnosis of pornography and and being high my life was good my life was very good I had um my significant other who's actually my ex now um we we divorced back in September of 2025 and um in 2021 he was living with me in Idaho um in the state of Idaho and I um I decided to pick up math because I felt that I needed it because I was working really hard and that I uh needed some kind of party escape. It was me with with like with me in the shame and then uh realizing that I hurt somebody um I didn't I didn't realize that before I didn't realize before that you know because everyone's always hurt me and like when I was under the effects of math like in that moment I didn't know how to react I didn't know how to say I'm sorry with him believing me um because I'm sorry wasn't gonna be enough you know I I'm sorry wasn't gonna be enough in that moment um he gave me an ultimatum um all I can say is he gave me an ultimatum because he was ready to just pack his bags and leave he's actually he's originally from Brooklyn New York and and and Idaho he was uh he was getting ready to just tell me hey I I'm gonna let you go um and and I might may I add also you know being HIV positive and um him being HIV negative um that was such a success for me like that was uh that was one of my milestones I want to say because for someone to have secured um a good relationship like that like I felt like I felt like I was uh just a shithead you know I felt like such a shithead for having um picked up drugs and um and I thought that you know um that I would have never had that again like you know me being HIV positive I thought that someone wasn't gonna love me because I was damaged goods you know I always felt like damaged goods and um and that you know that that could have been from the use of drugs that could have been from my own trauma but um yeah so that's where I that's where that ended um I did end up moving here to the East Coast where I live now in in in New York and um I got quickly into recovering because at first what I did here comes the codependency stuff um at first what I did is that I um I was doing it for him because I wanted to salvage the relationship okay you know um and so I got into recovery because I knew I I I remember just saying hey there's this one thing that I remember worked for me before because um I left out the part that I I had been I had like four years clean and recovery you know I was I was in recovery like years ago but um in 2021 I finally met my surrender I I said that this is where I need to stop um because I had hurt this person's feelings and um and I honestly was afraid of the way that the drugs were today so that was 2021. Let me put it this way 2021 all I remember doing was Dallas um I had just snorted and for the effects of that drug to have caused me to feel what I did and do what I did I knew that these drugs were not getting any like easier to control. So I I was scared let's put it that way I went straight I went straight into psychosis I went straight into like oblivion and um I didn't like that I didn't like how I felt and um I had and I had a lot of drugs left and I remember what I told him was okay I'm gonna flush this and I'm gonna and I'm gonna move to New York with you which we did. So we moved to New York and I um and I kept that promise you know I kept that promise and I and I've been um in recovery but now what I'm doing though is like I do it I do it a lot for myself and um not for people so good great good great okay all right so you've been in New York to tell us about the a the HIV stops with me campaign what is that all about yeah here we go so for you watching uh you listening uh you can visit hiv stopswithme dot org which is all together that is the website that is a New York State um department of health campaign that um that basically in my words is um they have found um different people from different walks of life that have been diagnosed with HIV we have some spokesmodels who are actually um uh prenatal like so some of them have in they they they got HIV from birth and then we have some people who have got HIV from different various ways right so I'm one of the spokesmodels I got um invited to that this campaign um about three years ago from today which is uh May of 2026 right and then um I have been very happy to have a platform where I go around New York state both upstate and here in the city where uh we do table events we do social gatherings we go into small even intimate spaces coffee rooms medical offices just basically what we do is that we we try to dismantle and destigmatize um what we have known HIV to be from the 80s up to 2026 right so as my per as a person who shared all of that all I can all I can say is that you know I was invited to be a spokesmodel to bring my experience you know the strength that I have and the resilience you know as a person with HIV um and Matthews you know because that is actually something that I speak about the most um and Dallas I want to say um this is going to be so cool to say but after meth you know you know after the meth you know I have learned that you know being uh an HIV spokesmodel um being a Latino being a person who's divorced but not giving up on love um you know just still learning to try to find my voice you know that's what this campaign is about that we are real we are real people we're not we're not giving we're not no one gives me a script no one um no one has uh taught me oh carry yourself this way no it's it's like um the way that this campaign works is that we just get invited um and we're told to just uh record a video every month um and uh we record our monthly videos which call they're called the questions of the month you can find them on YouTube or the main website and we we speak for maybe three to to sometimes 10 minutes we try to keep it brief um and we're given a question of the month which talks about any kind of area of life where a person with HIV can identify with um and yeah real life people um learning to share their truth um to de you know to to diminish and reduce the the stigma that still lives out there and um um and that's it like uh really you know uh what we care we we just yeah we carry ourselves trying to speak our truth um we have had uh so the same the the way that this can uh campaign started is that um not all the spokesmodels are the original spokesmodels so I do want to say this um the campaign is always looking for different spokes models but up to today we have only 30 we have 30 spokes models but as me being a year three spokes model you know there there were some people who paved the way before me and I want to say thank you to those people both you know with us and with the not with us because you know because HIV is um is uh is uh is something that we can remain undetectable right and undetectable means that you equals you which you know you can't transmit the virus if you reach a status of undetectable so um as as spokesmodels we all um uh get to a point of being undetectable and unfortunately life has um you know there's other ailments that happen in life right other other things that happen such as what I spoke about today you have some people who who um substance abuse becomes such a a suffocating thing that some people don't find um they don't find recovery or they don't find the way out let's just put it that way they don't find their way out of whatever hell that they were in um and unfortunately you know there are people who who uh you know there's so many things so anyway like like um I just want to say again and I'll close off with the with the campaign with saying this you know visit HIVstalkswithme.org because it's not just about us telling our story there's also articles there's articles that have a lot of information um if you don't know about a local um harm reduction um site if you don't know about a um maybe a 30-day detox that you want to go to um if maybe you just want a support group um you want to message one of us there's also uh there's a special feature we put that you can put a comment you can add some information check put your email or just uh you know whatever it is that you want to put you know and I will personally directly message you I am happy to do that um I'm happy to just continue sharing my story and listening to yours um and hopefully we can find a uh a safe a safe place for you to carry your life you know happily stomach yeah thank you yeah yeah yeah for that for those listening who are struggling with the shame and I know that they you you're out there because I've talked to you um you don't it's it's you know you're trying to date and you're afraid to know like when do I approach that subject how do I how do I date now and you know how do I navigate the apps with HIV and those kind of things.

SPEAKER_03 59:24

This site can be something that you know virtually you can go to and see that people real people are out there living with it and proud of it and making themselves known that they're they're living their truth and hopefully that can help you feel uh inspired to do the same um okay Jose was there anything else that you wanted to mention today before we close out um wow um well Dallas um I you know I don't I yeah I think I mean is there are there any final questions I don't know if you had any more that that that was my that was my final question that was your final question so I mean to to to leave it at that I basically um I do um listen like the what I what for those who I if if you got to the point of the of this podcast um this episode that um if you heard about where I'm at in my life right now the inner child right like it doesn't matter what age you are it doesn't matter where you are um it doesn't matter if you're still using it doesn't matter if you you don't know your status with HIV or if you're negative please um if Jose if myself knew all the things that are available today we're in 2026 right and then what if you're watching this or listening to this in 2027 and 2020 30 you know whatever it is like you know advancements are only getting better resources are getting only better you know just for today just for right now like that's what we have available so I just want to say like seek out at least gather information you know um if someone would have just told me to just uh give yourself a break to just breathe and have a moment to um look around you and see whether if your life is a mess or if your life if your life like what we're what can't you do from here like from this moment um flush those drugs I'm just kidding I'm like flush those drugs because I wish someone would have told me that a lot more um and um some hope you know for for a little bit more hope is uh you know you're not alone um HIV um does come to a point where you can reach a status of undetectable um I thought that in my there was a there was a a time where um little jose he read or heard the wrong information and someone told me that you're gonna only live 10 years with HIV.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:00

And so when someone told me that I only had a 10 year span of life I ran real, real real crazy with drugs and I just said to myself why don't I just I'm a quote Kesha um you know I'm gonna die young you know live like you're gonna die young and I always say that like I thought that you know I was I was grateful that I caught HIV early um but I'm grateful now that I can capture it and I can be in control of my status. So for you listening watching please get all the information knowledge is truly power education is power.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:34

Like get as much as you can expose yourself to the right people and those right people will be those people who you just feel it in your spirit you just feel that you can be with them you can exhale you can just tell them about anything um and when you have those people um you know just hold on to them and um you know there is there is safety out there there are uh meetings you can go to support groups you know whatever that whatever that direction is for you you know do it um and um love yourself because you know um only you can really find the solution and um the medicine to keep you going um I think that's a good place to leave it at um thank you so much Dallas for inviting me and allowing me to be heard and uh to have this conversation with you sure thank you thank you Jose for sharing all the story very vulnerable and I know it's going to help someone um who's listening so thank you all right guys I hope you enjoyed this episode if you did uh leave us a comment you can comment on you can there's a there's a little button in the show notes that says uh send us a send us a comment you can do that send us a text um you can also comment on YouTube or you can comment on Spotify so or you can just DM me or Jose at any of our social media handles. Alright have a good week and we'll see you next time thank you