EP 3:36 Chemsex Recovery: Reasons vs. Excuses

Supplemental Study Guide: https://www.recoveryalchemy.org/newsletters/blog/posts/reasons

In this solo episode of The AfterMeth Podcast, Dallas Bragg starts with two voice notes that landed back to back during one of his daily walks. Two clients, the same return to use, the same broken commitment, even the same specific oversight — an old user buddy still on Snapchat. But the men describing it sounded like they lived in different universes. The first didn't flinch: he laid out what he'd done right, named the gap he'd missed, and asked how he could show up differently next time. No misery, no defensiveness, just curiosity. He treated the use as a data point rather than a moral failure. The second took a week to disclose it, buried other uses he'd later come clean about, and reached for the familiar refrain — you know how it is, I always do this, I'm just not built for follow-through. One handed Dallas a reason. The other handed him an excuse.

The episode maps that distinction and why it decides the direction of a recovery. Reasons come from open curiosity and healthy guilt, which points at a behavior you can turn over in your hands and change. Excuses come from closed condemnation and shame, which says I am bad rather than I did something bad — and Dallas is careful to name the harder-to-spot version, the excuse that grabs too much responsibility. "Of course I messed up, I always mess up" sounds like ownership but is actually a collapse into identity, and identity makes the next excuse effortless while the excuse confirms the identity, around and around. Breaking the loop means stepping into what he calls the compassionate observer: the part of you that watches your own behavior without excusing or condemning it, asking why this happened rather than whose fault it is. He closes with a three-part check for the moment an explanation starts forming — notice the emotional state (open and willing, or tight and restricted), check the language (I did this leaves room, I always do this locks the door), and feel where it lands in the body, which knows the difference long before the mind does. A supplemental study guide accompanies the episode, with the link in the show notes.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Chemsex. Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others. Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast. Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering. Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast. In the solo episode, don't forget there's a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode. The link will be in the show notes. Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it. All right, so anybody who knows me can attest to how much I love my daily walks. I take three power walks a day. I'm literally like a mall walker a day. So I take three walks a day, and it provides me with much-needed clarity of mind, moves my body, and gives me opportunities to listen and leave voice notes. So most of those are with clients, but friends to family. So one morning last week, I was struck by the contrasting voice notes that I listened to from two clients back to back. It was easier to compare them since I listened to one and then the other. They just happened to come in that way. So after listening to both of them, the idea for this newsletter and this podcast was downloaded. So I had two clients, same return to use, aka relapse. Both had broken a commitment that they'd made to themselves. And as I listened to their analysis, I heard two completely different men talking. The first one didn't flinch. He says, I did everything right. I had my plan, I called my people, I stayed in my routine. There was just a piece of the puzzle that I had missed. So I'm asking in my journal where the oversight was and how can I show up differently next time? He wasn't mired in misery or remorse or shame, and he wasn't being defensive about it. He was just being curious. He was asking curious questions. He was studying himself. He talked about the use as a data point, not a moral failure. The second one, by the way, took a week to tell me this had happened, and he had other uses that he didn't even tell me about that he came clean about later, sounded very different. Oh, you know how it is, I always do this. I'm just not built for follow-through. I was tired. This was going on, that happened, work is this, and Trump is president. So both had the exact same experience. They forgot to remove an old user buddy from Snapchat. Same behavior, two different universes. The first one gave me a reason. The second one handed me an excuse. So today we're going to look at the differences between the two and provide some tools to help you determine which one you may be using. Because reasons can build a trajectory in your recovery. Excuses keep you stagnant. So there are two things that sound the same. A reason and an excuse can be very difficult to distinguish. Both of them explain why the something happened, right? But they originate from completely different places. A reason is the product of open curiosity. An excuse is the product of closed condemnation. So when I offer a reason, I'm genuinely looking at what happened without judgment. Okay, I was triggered and I didn't have my tools ready. So let me let me understand how that happened. Just the facts. When I offer an excuse, I'm not looking at anything. I'm accepting a story about myself and I'm hiding behind it. I was triggered and I'm not strong enough to say no because that's what I always do. Which, what that does, blows smoke. It's a smoke screen. Go look at how terrible I am. So you can be distracted from telling me to do the actual work, and I'm distracting myself from doing the actual work. So here's a distinction. The reason typically arises from healthy guilt. Guilt says, I did something that went against my values. Guilt points at the behavior in and of itself with non-judgment. And a behavior is something you can turn over in your hands, you can look at from every angle, and you can decide what to do differently next time. An excuse arises from shame. Shame doesn't say I did something bad. Shame says I am bad. This is just who I am. This is what I do. I am not in control of my own behavior. Can you feel the difference there? Guilt says I made a choice I don't feel good about. Shame says I am the choice. One of those you can work with, but the other is a fixed part of your personality. The excuse that hides inside too much responsibility. So let's talk about that. So for a long time I thought excuses were only about dodging the blame. Wasn't my fault. The traffic, the stress, that other person. Like most of the time, if you dig deeper into excuses, they're easier to spot. You'll see what they really happen, right? For instance, traffic made me late. Well, that's often because you left your house too late. And then you ran into traffic, knowing that every morning there's traffic. Right? You're avoiding the actual truth. For chemsex recovery, it might look like that guy I forgot to block texted me, but when you dig deeper, you will you are also up on your phone at 2 a.m. scrolling, looking at pictures, instead of keeping the phone off in another room as you had committed to do. There is always context. But there's this other kind of excuse, a little bit harder to spot. You have to use some intuition. It comes from playing the victim or the martyr. And it sounds like, of course I messed up. I always mess up. Here I go again. That is not ownership. Because when I say I always do this, I'm not actually examining anything. I'm collapsing into an identity. And that identity is familiar and it's comfortable and it's a place where you have hidden for years. And it allows you to bypass the hard work. One excuse avoids responsibility. The other one grabs so much responsibility that it crushes any chance of curiosity. And both of them leave the same way without ever asking the real question. So let's talk about this loop. So here's the mechanism underneath all of it. You attach to an identity. I'm the guy who always relapses on this. I'm the one who can't stick with anything. And once that identity is set and you accept it to be true, the excuse is already written in it. It doesn't even have to feel like an excuse anymore. It feels like a fact. Because when you decide I always do that, then that becomes exactly what you'll always do. The identity makes the excuse effortless. The excuse confirms your identity. And around and around and around it goes, right? A reason can break that loop because a reason is about this moment, this one time, this specific set of circumstances. I'm going to study it. A reason asks how the identity can shift. So the cycle isn't interrupted. The identity is not tied into the behavior. So an excuse feeds the loop because an excuse is about who you've decided you are. So how do we get out of this? And you've heard me talk about the compassionate observer before. You step outside your story. And I call this being the compassionate observer, the part of you that can watch your own behavior without either excusing it or condemning it. The compassionate observer doesn't ask whose fault is this? It asks, why did this happen again? And it asks that question with pure curiosity, with patience, with love, with genuine wanting to know, with the assumption that there's something worth understanding and knowing here. Not something worth punishing. Again, the difference between curiosity and condemnation will make or break your recovery. So here's a practice for the middle of this moment, right? So the next time you catch yourself explaining something to someone else or just yourself, pause and run through a few things here. Just ask them some questions. Notice how you're feeling. Is it defensiveness? Do you feel attacked? Shame? Maybe apathy. It says, what the hell's the point? Who cares? Your emotional state is going to be the first to tell. Because curiosity feels very open. Feels very open and willing. Condemnation feels very tight and condensed. Restricted. That's one of the word I'm thinking of. So check your language. Also, are you talking about a choice that you made and what you'll do next, the behavior, or are you talking about who you are due to the behavior? I did this, leaves room to move around. I always do this, locks it in. It locks the door. So I want you to feel where it lives in your body. When you're explaining something, does that explain explanation feel open, spacious, like you can breathe? Okay, okay, this is not me. This is something I can work with. Or does it feel closed off? Again, restricted, braced. Are you defensive? Your body knows the difference. I guarantee you, when you tune in, your body knows the difference between a reason and excuse. Long before your mind knows. So I want you to tune into your body next time. You're analyzing something, especially a use, why something has happened that is out of your alignment with your goals. Like returning to chem sex or something else. So what are we asking of you? I'm not asking you to stop having reasons or never make a mistake. Reasons are honest. Reasons are how we learn. I'm asking you to notice when the explanation you're reaching for has stopped being a doorway and started being a wall. A wall around the real work, a wall around the real story. The next time the words come fast, always do this. I'm not just built for that. But here I go again. See if you can slow down enough to really ask a better question. Without judgment, without condemnation. Not what's wrong with me. But what happened here? And what is it trying to show me? Because all things happen for my good. All things are here for my benefit. Everything happens for me. Let me figure that out. That question won't condemn you. There's too much curiosity in there. There's no room for condemnation.

unknown 12:24

All right.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

I hope this helps you this week. I love you. And if you want to reach out to me and join in the conversation, you can comment on Spotify. You can comment on YouTube. You can reach out to me on social media. I'm on all platforms all the time. Have a good week.