S2:EP10 The Pressure to Be a Good Mother Will Break You If You Let It

Motherhood is praised publicly… and suffered through privately.

In this episode, Shawnti Refuge gets real about the emotional weight of being “a good mother” and how unrealistic expectations, silent pressure, and unprocessed trauma can slowly break you down.

Backed by research and lived experience, this conversation dives into mom guilt, burnout, identity loss, and the mental load that nobody talks about—especially in communities where strength is expected and struggle is hidden.

If you’ve ever questioned whether you’re doing enough… while running on empty—this episode is for you.

Transcript

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Hey y'all, welcome back to the Quiet as Kept Podcast. It's Shanti Refuge. I am an award-winning master certified mental health coach, journaling expert, and somebody who's not about to sugarcoat motherhood just because it's Mother's Day season. Because yes, we love our kids. Yes, we show up. Yes, we do what needs to be done. But baby, let me keep it 100 with you. The pressure to be a good mother will break you if you let it. And some of y'all, you're already breaking. You just haven't said it all loud yet. So let's talk about where this even comes from. Because this pressure, it didn't just show up out of nowhere. There is a concept called intensive mothering. And it basically says that a good mother is expected to be fully selfless, emotionally available at all times, constantly nurturing, and responsible for every outcome of her child. And according to research published in the Journal of Family Issues, women who feel pressured to meet these unrealistic standards report higher levels of anxiety, increased depression, and chronic feelings of guilt. Not sometimes chronic, meaning that it doesn't go away. So let's go deeper with that. Because it's not just what you do, it's what you carry mentally. There's research from the American Psychological Association that talks about the mental load, the invisible labor of remembering everything, planning everything, anticipating needs before they happen because you're a mind reader, right, mom? So even when you're sitting down, your brain is still working. What do they need tomorrow? Did I forget something? Am I doing enough? That's why you're tired in a way sleep does not fix because it's not just physical, it is emotional and mental exhaustion. Now let me bring it on in for you because I'm not just talking at you. I have lived this personally. You know, there was a time in my life when I thought being a good mother meant sacrificing everything about myself. My needs on the back burner, my emotions ignored, my exhaustion pushed through because I had this belief that if I slowed down or if I even admitted I was overwhelmed, that somehow made me less of a mother. And let me tell you what that did to me. That didn't make me better, it made me resentful, it made me disconnected, it made me show up physically, but not emotionally. And that was hard to admit in the beginning because nobody wants to say that out loud. Nobody wants to say, I love my kids, but I'm tired of carrying everything along. So let's talk about guilt. Because, baby, that right there, it'll have you questioning everything. Research shows that mothers experience significantly higher significantly higher levels of guilt than fathers when it comes to work-life balance, emotional availability, parenting decisions, and the wild part is even when you're doing your best, it still feels like it's not enough. You feel guilty when you work, guilty when you rest, guilty when you need space, guilty when you don't have the energy. So when do you win? Now, let me keep it 100 about something else. A lot of women don't just become mothers, they disappear into motherhood. You stop asking, what do I want? What do I need? Who am I outside of this role? And that identity, that identity loss is one of the biggest contributors to depression in mothers because you don't feel like a whole person anymore. You feel like a role, a responsibility, a provider, but not you. And I tell my clients all the time, those who are moms, I tell them you were somebody before you became a mom. Who were you before you became a mom? Before you became a wife, before you became an employee, before you became an entrepreneur, you were somebody. Being a good mother does not require you to abandon yourself. But a lot of us were taught that it does. We were taught to put ourselves last, push through, don't complain, and be grateful. And now you're exhausted and don't even know how to ask for help, or you're ashamed to ask for help. So we're gonna refine, redefine what a good mother is because a lot of y'all got it twisted. A good mother is not perfect, a good mother is not always available, a good mother is not never tired. A good mother actually is self-aware, emotionally honest, willing to heal, and modeling what it looks like to take care of yourself. Because your kids don't just learn from what you say, they learn from how you live. So that don't do as I say, uh, do don't what was it? Don't do as a don't I don't even remember what it is, but it goes something like don't watch what I say, uh do uh I don't even see, I can't even say it because I don't remember it, but y'all know what I'm talking about. So go grab your journal. Number one, where do I feel like I'm failing as a mother? And is that actually true? Number two, what expectations am I trying to meet that were never realistic? Number three, what do I need right now that I've been ignoring? Number four, who was I before motherhood? And what parts of her do I miss? Number five, what would it look like to mother and honor myself at the same time? And don't rush past these. This is where the shift starts. So listen, if this episode got to you, it's because something in you is tired of carrying all this along. You don't have to keep doing this in silence. If you're a mother who feels unseen, overwhelmed, or disconnected, mothering in the dark was created for you. This is not, you know, no cutesy performative support group. It is real conversations, real healing, and real support. And if you're ready to go deeper, I have my guided journals that will help you start unpacking what you've been holding in. Everything is linked to my website. So that's it for today. This was the quietest kept podcast with Shanti Refuge. And if this spoke to you, send it to a mother who looks like she has it all together, but you know good and well, she's caring a lot. And as always, take care of your mind, protect your peace, and stop abandoning abandoning yourself to be everything for everybody else. And I'll see you next episode.