S2:EP 11 You Can Love Your Mother and Still Need to Heal From Her

Not every mother-daughter relationship feels safe, and that’s a truth many people struggle to say out loud.

In this episode, Shawnti Refuge unpacks the complexity of loving your mother while still needing healing, boundaries, or distance. From emotional neglect to generational trauma, this conversation explores the “mother wound” and the silent guilt that often comes with it.

If you’ve ever felt conflicted, hurt, or unsure how to navigate your relationship with your mother—this episode will help you make sense of it.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey y'all, welcome back to the Quietest Kept Podcast. I am Shanti Refuge. I am an award-winning master certified mental health coach, journaling expert, and your reminder that just because something is uncomfortable doesn't mean we're not going to talk about it. And today, yes, we are going there because some of y'all love y'all mamas, but you don't feel safe with her. And that right there, that is a hard truth to sit with. Let's start with the part people don't say out loud. You can love your mother and still be hurt by her. You can appreciate what she did and still grieve what she didn't do. But a lot of us were raised to believe it has to be one or the other. So it's either she did her best, so stop complaining, or she hurt you, so cut her off. But real life is way more complicated than just that. It's not black and white, like a lot of people like to make it seem. So let's put a language to it. To what a mother wound is. The mother wound isn't always about abuse. Sometimes it looks like emotional unavailability, lack of affection, uh, constant criticism, feeling unseen or unheard, or having to grow up too fast. Research and attachment theory shows that our earliest relationship with our primary caregiver, who is often our mother, shapes how we experience love, handle conflict, trust others, and even how we see ourselves. So when that relationship is strained, inconsistent or emotionally unsafe, it doesn't just stay in childhood, it follows you. If it goes into your relationships, into your self-worth, and into your boundaries. So let me be real with y'all. There was a time I had to create this is between me and my own mom for the sake of my mental health. And that decision wasn't easy. And it wasn't because I hated her, it wasn't because I was mad at her, it was because of survival. I had to sit with the fact that I could love her and still not feel safe in a relationship. And you know, the first time I did it, I felt guilty for, you know, having to go no contact with her. And that guilt will have you questioning yourself: like, am I wrong for needing space or am I being ungrateful or am I doing too much? But what I had to learn was protecting your peace is not the same as rejecting your parent. That those are two are not the same things. So let's talk about the guilt that comes with that. Because when you're healing, you get these guilty feelings about a lot of things. Because a lot of y'all think that's the part that keeps you stuck, uh, culturally, spiritually, emotionally, because we've been taught to honor your mother no matter what. Don't talk back, don't question, don't create, you know, distance. So when you do start setting boundaries, it feels like you're betraying your mom, right? Even when it's necessary, even when it's healthy, and even when it's saving you. Now, let's talk about grieving what you didn't get from your mom. And this is the part that hurts. Sometimes the healing isn't about fixing the relationship, it's about grieving the version of it you wish you had, grieving the emotional support that you needed, the softness you didn't receive, the understanding that never came. And let me say this: you're allowed to grieve someone who's still alive. You absolutely are. Healing doesn't always mean reconciliation. So let me tell you what healing actually looks like. Sometimes healing looks like setting boundaries without explanation, limiting access to your emotional space, uh, choosing peace over proximity. You know, you can love from a distance. I do it all the time. I do it with my own mom to this day. I love her from a distance. And reparenting yourself. And that that last part, reparenting yourself, that is so big because at some point you have to give yourself what you didn't receive, which is the validation, the safety, the love, the permission to exist as you are. So let's reframe the narrative. We're gonna we're gonna shift. I want you to understand that you are not disrespectful, you are not ungrateful, and you are definitely not too sensitive. You are someone who is becoming aware, and awareness will always disrupt what you were taught to tolerate. Did you hear that? Awareness will always disrupt what you were taught to tolerate. All right, let's get into some deep work. Grab your journal, and we're not doing you know that cutesy stuff, not that we ever do, but we're going a little deeper with these journal prompts. Number one, what did I need from my mother that I didn't receive? Number two, how has that impacted the way I see myself or love others? Number three, what boundaries do I avoid because I feel guilty? Number four, what am I still hoping will change? And is that realistic? Number five, what does healing look like for me, even if the relationship doesn't? So I want you to take your time with these prompts. Know that this is not easy work, but it is very necessary. And listen, if this episode hits you, you don't need to process this by yourself. I have a support group called Mothering in the Dark, and it was created for women navigating complicated relationships, grief, distance, and emotional healing, either with their mom or with their adult children. This is a space where you don't have to pretend everything is okay, and you and if you're not ready for a community yet, you can start with my guided journals because some truths you need to write out before you can speak them, and you'll be amazed at how that affects your emotions and your communication. So that's it for today's episode of the Quietest Kept Podcast with Shanti Refuge. If this spoke to you, share it with someone who has been carrying this quietly, and remember that you can love someone and still choose yourself. I'll see y'all next time.