Pre-Planning a Parent’s Funeral: End-of-Life Planning for Caregivers and Families

How do you plan a funeral for someone you love while they are still here?

In this deeply personal episode of Chat with Nat, Natalie Kime shares the emotional story of gathering four generations of her family together and having one of the hardest conversations many families avoid: pre-planning her mom’s funeral.

This conversation was not about giving up. It was about love, clarity, preparation, and protecting the family from having to make painful decisions in the middle of grief. Natalie shares how her family discussed funeral wishes, burial plans, songs, cultural traditions, family roles, final expenses, and what it means to honor her mom with dignity when the time comes.

She also talks about the financial reality of funeral planning, including rising funeral costs, final expense planning, life insurance, GoFundMe culture, and why families should not wait until a hospital hallway or emergency moment to make these decisions.

This episode is for caregivers, adult children caring for aging parents, families navigating dementia, and anyone who knows they need to have an end-of-life planning conversation but does not know where to begin.

What You Will Hear

• Why funeral pre-planning is an act of love, not giving up
• How Natalie’s family planned her mom’s funeral while she is still here
• The difference between being prepared and losing hope
• Why caregivers often grieve before their loved one passes
• How end-of-life planning can reduce family stress and conflict
• What families should discuss when planning a funeral
• Burial vs. cremation decisions
• Religious, cultural, and family traditions to consider
• Songs, readings, speakers, clothing, and service details
• Final expense planning and the real cost of funerals
• Why funeral homes often require payment quickly
• How lack of planning can lead to credit card debt, borrowing, or GoFundMe campaigns
• Why pre-planning can bring peace, clarity, and emotional relief
• How to start one difficult conversation with your family this month

Pre-planning a funeral is painful, but it can also be sacred. It gives your family clarity. It protects your loved ones from confusion. It helps reduce financial stress. And it allows everyone to focus on love, connection, and grief when the time comes.

Today’s episode is brought to you by Casa De Confidence Productions, helping podcasters confidently share conversations that matter.

Thank you for listening to Chat With Nat: Caregiving, Money & Real Life Solutions. This podcast is your trusted guide for caregiving strategies, caregiver support, long-distance caregiving tips, financial planning for families, and managing caregiver burnout. Each week, we provide actionable advice, expert interviews, real caregiver stories, and practical tools to help you navigate caregiving challenges, protect your finances, and care with confidence.

Whether you’re caring for aging parents, managing adult children with special needs, or balancing caregiving with work, Chat With Nat is here to help you care smarter, avoid burnout, and feel supported every step of the way.

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Transcript

1:00:00

This past week I had my entire family in town, my brother and sister-in-law, their kids and their grandkids, and then my son and his girlfriend were here too. So we had four generations of people running in and out of my house for five days. It was absolute chaos and I loved every single second of it. But why do I share that with you? Well, the truth is we all have busy, crazy lives and so getting us all in one place does not actually happen that often. And so while they were here, I pulled my brother and sister-in-law's side and then we pulled our adult children aside in my media room with tears in our eyes and planned my mom's funeral. We didn't do that because we don't care about her or we've given up on her. We actually did it because of how much we love her. And I realized something. One of the hardest acts of love is preparing for the day that your heart will break. See, nobody prepares you for what it feels like to choose songs, discuss burial plans, or talk about what mom would want while she's actually still here. Welcome back to Chat With Nat, conversations that count. The podcast where we talk money, caregiving, legacy, family, faith, and the conversations that truly count. Today's episode is brought to you by Casa de Confidence Productions. Julie and Dan Collins are the kind of team every podcaster dreams of. They're supportive, professional, and incredibly talented in making your voice come through confident and clearly. If you've ever thought maybe I should start a podcast, go connect with them at casa de confidence.website to get more information about what your show could look like. All right. I kind of laid it out there in the intro, what this week's episode is about. And it's having the hard conversation nobody wants to have planning ahead for a loved one's funeral. Before I jump all the way into this week's episode, of course, we're going to cover Nat's money tip, which is funeral costs are rising faster than most families realize. The median cost of a traditional funeral with burial in the United States is now between eight and $10,000. With cemetery plots, headstones, flowers, travel, and reception costs, many families spend between 12 and $20,000. Cremation these days still averages between six and eight grand when all services are included. Nearly one in four Americans say they have no savings specifically set aside for final expenses. And many families put funeral expenses on credit cards or have to borrow money during grief to cover those costs. I see a lot of GoFundMe's to help support these costs as well. Over half of adults have not documented their end of life wishes either. What do you want that to look like? Is it sad and solemn? Do you want a celebration? Do you not want anything at all? People think that funeral planning is morbid until they're forced to make emotional decisions in a hospital hallway with zero preparation. And that's what I'm hoping this episode can open your mind to as I share our experience in going through this planning. So why did we decide to pre-plan? The honest truth is my family got here on a Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning they're staying at an Airbnb because I can't accommodate like 18 people in my house. But my brother loves kalaches. They're from Utah and I guess they do maybe have one or two places there you can get them. But he loves them here. And so I got up early Sunday morning before they came over and I went to the kalachi store and grabbed a bunch of stuff. And on my way home, one of the things I love to do is listen to worship car worship music when I'm in the car. Like you will see your girl rocking out to some worship music if you ever drive by. But as I was listening to the song that was playing and stopped at a red light, I just had this feeling come over me that said you have everybody in one place. Maybe it's time to plan for the final expenses and what the funeral should look like for mom. And so when I came home, it was just me and my dad. We sat down and of course it's an emotional conversation y'all. Definitely by far one of the most emotional conversations we've ever had. But I asked my dad what he wanted and what mom wanted. And we put together an outline. He and I that I could go over with my brother and sister-in-law and our adult children when he came over later. So family being together created an opportunity to do something that I know for a fact would be absolutely overwhelming for me. See, I mourn my mom every single day as a caregiver. And if you're a caregiver, I think you understand that. I don't know what it will look like when she does pass. What I do know is I'll be extremely focused on getting my dad through that difficult time. So it's not just what I might be feeling. It's going to be helping carry him through one of the hardest days of his life when the time comes. And I knew I'm a planner for big things like this. And what I knew is that I could not be in the throes of dealing with that. And try to plan a funeral at the same time. I also wanted to know, yeah, we had an outline based on what my dad's thoughts were, but I wanted to know how everybody wanted to participate. I wanted to talk to them about honoring mom's wishes, things she does want and doesn't want, that my brother and dad and myself and my mom had talked about when she first got diagnosed. But the truth is, caregiving eventually is going to include end of life preparation. And for me, knowing that we have the core of all that put together, and it's just making some phone calls when the time comes that none of us are hoping for to come soon. And at the same time, don't want mom stuck in the state she's in forever. Again, if you're a caregiver, you probably understand that sentiment. But knowing that we have that taken care of just makes things so much easier when the time comes. It's hard to emotionally acknowledge the reality that that could be in within weeks or months, it could even she may settle in this state for a year or two. So who knows? But what we do know is we're prepared with the details of her funeral that can allow us during that time to focus on one another and the emotion that we're all carrying. What we're talking about today is the difference between giving up, which we have not done, and being prepared. And that was really the catalyst for me feeling like we needed to have these conversations. And they were beautiful conversations, emotional, every single one of them, but also very beautiful. Caregiving teaches you something powerful that love plans ahead, love prepares, love protects people, even after you're gone. But in addition to that, I don't even know how to, in addition to all of that, love pushes you to accept the reality of what's coming down the line. The truth is I didn't feel guilty having this conversation. I knew that I was prompted by something bigger than me that knows who I am, how I function, and what that timeline is going to look like. Yes, I have a background in wealth strategy. I work with people every day to set up their estates, to set up their financial plans for retirement, for long-term care, for all of those things. I talk about all of that in this podcast. But I feel like I was prompted to do that then because the opportunity presented itself. And because of that, I didn't feel any guilt in having the conversation. But I do think a lot of people might like, is it okay? We're having this conversation when mom's still here, dad's still here, spouse is still here, whoever it is that you might be caregiving for. And it's okay. Listen, caregiving brings guilt on every single lover. No matter what's going on. So if you do feel guilty talking about it, that's okay too. I'm just a believer that there are required difficult conversations when you're talking about end of life, whether it's putting an estate plan in place, what caregiving might look like, what final expenses and burying a loved one might look like. And for me, and I think for my family to know we've had that conversation and we have a majority idea of what that's going to look like, I think was an incredible relief to know that we don't have to be trying to balance all of that when we're going through the experience. Now, my parents do have a plan. They bought plots, but I've got a message in to the place where they purchase those to talk about other expenses. What else can we prepay? What, you know, based on what we want to put together now, what does cost look like? Just to make sure that we're set up with all of that as well. But the other side of it is like family members process grief differently. And like these were emotional conversations, tears were shed. And because of how people process grief, or carry the heavy and hard, that's why I wanted everybody's feedback on the outline. Were they comfortable doing the thing that my dad wanted me to ask them to do? And a couple of them switched around what we were going to do. And we adjusted things. But what a relief it is to know that that is not an emotional exhaustion that I'm going to have to carry in the future, because we've already gone through the process. Pre-planning a funeral isn't planning for someone's death, y'all. It's protecting those of us who are still here from the chaos that can arise during one of the most difficult times in our lives. So what are some of the things that family should actually discuss? Well, funeral wishes. See, here's the benefit of instead of sitting in a place having to wonder, now you may know your loved one well, and it may not be that hard to do, but I think there are people who struggle during that process of what would they have wanted. Because a lot of times we may have decisions based on what we want for ourselves or we're comfortable with, but it may not actually fit within what they would have wanted. And that's the benefit of having these conversations when they're still here. And like I said, when my mom was diagnosed, we had some of those conversations with my parents, my brother and I did, in putting together their estate plan and setting up all of their financial stuff. Okay, but we were talking the details of the actual funeral here. And so we led that conversation from what we did know mom didn't didn't want and what dad wanted, because he can still communicate that to us and what he most importantly, what he would think mom would want. So having those conversations are really important. But getting to the details, are we talking burial or cremation? What kind of religious preferences are involved? What kinds of songs, readings or speakers, whatever you're planning, do you want to be involved? What kind of clothing will they be buried in? The type of service, is it going to be a religious service or at a funeral home? And where is the cemetery or final resting place, which as I mentioned, my parents have already bought plots. We know that we already knew that answer. But it's all those other little things. And then also, this is an opportunity to ask whether you're planning for yourself or a loved one. Are is the will and trust updated? Are beneficiaries reviewed and set and updated? Is there funding in place for the funeral? Have you reviewed life insurance and financial accounts and investments and things like that that they have to know where everything's at and what the process looks like when your person passes so that you can manage that paperwork better? Do you have account access and passwords that you need to resolve any of their issues, to access money at the bank to pay for things? Do you have power of attorney and healthcare directives, which I deep dove into in last week's episode. So if you haven't listened to last week's episode, please go back and listen to that. It deep dives into the paperwork that can protect your family when somebody passes. And there's a bunch of information in there. So those are the types of things to talk about. They're so vitally important. And look, also, there may be some difficulty in those conversations. People don't agree. And that's where you can lean on your loved one and what they want. And those decisions can be shared now instead of later, where if there are things to work through as a family, you're able to do that before you're, you're in an emotional nightmare, because that takes it to a level that can destroy family relationships. What's the financial reality of dying without a plan? Let's talk about it. Funeral homes are going to require payment quickly. A lot of times families will make emotional overspending decisions because you're in the middle of it and you want it to be all of these things. And you also just want to get through the planning process. So you may make decisions or spend on things without fully realizing what they cost or realizing the impact down the road to the overall financial situation. Because the truth is, caregiving has already drained finances. You need to understand what's still there. And that's why having these conversations early is you can create a count with those funds there. So you know you have that in place. The impact of finances of caregiving, lost income and work during that time can impact the financial ability to cover the costs of end of expenses. And I already touched a little bit on family disagreements that can arise. The GoFundMe culture for funerals is becoming increasingly common. And look, I don't say that to discredit GoFundMe. I give to those when I can. I also hate seeing them because every time I see GoFundMe for funeral expenses, it means there was a family unprepared for that. And they're walking with a financial burden on their shoulders in addition to the emotional burden that they're carrying. And that's why I have those conversations with all my clients. That's why I consistently tell you guys, my listeners, to have those conversations so you can be prepared. If you have to save a little of time, you can start doing that now instead of trying to scrape it all together later. But for those that don't have it, GoFundMe, I think has been a godsend. I would love to know that people have had the conversations, have the financial account set up, and just don't have to worry about it at all whenever that time arises. 70% of Americans die without adequate end-of-life planning. Most caregivers have reduced their work hours or leave their jobs altogether. And the average caregiver already spends thousands annually out of pocket. I've talked about that in past episodes. I'm sure I'll talk about it again, because it's so important. People do not understand what that looks like. The financial impact of caregiving doesn't end at death if there's no preparation. It continues. The people left behind are now carrying and dealing with the impact of that once their loved one is gone. So then let's talk about what pre-planning actually gives us. Well, it gives us peace, clarity, reduced uncertainty, confidence that we're meeting the wishes of our loved one because we're doing exactly what they asked us to. It strengthens family communication because you're having hard conversations. And let me tell you, those relationships being stronger when a loved one's passed, when a loved one passes, is so vitally important. So to have those connections stronger instead of weaker, I think is a game changer. And then of course, it's going to reduce that future financial burden on those left behind. So the question is, was it painful? Absolutely. But it also felt loving, responsible, mature, and even sacred. There were tears shared. There was vulnerability. There were sweet little stories shared in that room. And that was a beautiful coming together of the legacy that my parents created. And I know brought us closer together, not just for those few days that they were here, but will continue to hold us close together for as long as this road continues. And beyond that, we're all going to pass at some point to know that our connection as a family is stronger is an incredible blessing. Some of the things that I never expected to feel, though, is laughing unexpectedly during serious planning. Like just thinking about some of the things that mom would want or wouldn't want. Like as we were going through those things, my mom is Polynesian. And it is a culture that has a lot of really strong decisions or traditions, sorry. And in talking to my mom and then making these decisions, talking to my mom a few years ago and then making these decisions now, I mean, we just chuckled about some of the things. She's like, I don't want this part. And I do want that part. And the rest y'all can figure out type of thing. So, you know, just kind of chuckling about some of the things that would make my mom just say, are you kidding me, you guys? We did. We had some time to laugh and smile throughout this difficult conversation, but also realizing how much a mom shined through in that conversation that she wasn't even a part of. There's the aspect of feeling really protective of who my mom is, of what was important to her, of also wanting to protect things about the culture and the traditions that are going to be included. I think the conversation wore all of us out emotionally, but also I believe that every single one of us felt a level of relief of having had the conversation and knowing what to expect in that regard when the time comes. Sometimes caregiving means fighting for life. And sometimes it means preparing with dignity for eventually what's going to come for all of us. So, this experience with my family was so special to me. And it feels really sacred that we have a plan that our mom, our grandma, our great grandma is going to feel good about. And that most importantly is going to honor her in a way that she deserves whenever that time comes. My hot take for this week is just a reminder that avoiding hard conversations doesn't prevent hard moments. It makes them heavier and harder later. If you love your family, please give them clarity, give them plans, give them instructions, give them peace, because grief is already heavy enough without confusion, financial stress, and family conflict piled right on top of it. I want to challenge you guys this week to have one difficult conversation this month. Or review beneficiaries and documents that you have. Maybe ask your parents about what their wishes are. Explore final expense planning. There are final expense insurance policies you can get that will cover the cost of those things. There are some phenomenal plans that actually include all of the planning pieces, in which case I could take all the information I gathered and I could give it to a concierge show, so to speak, of exactly what is wanted and what it needs to look like. And at the time of my mom's passing would then be able to pick up the phone and say,"Hey, mom passed away. We need to go ahead and get everything started." And they make all the phone calls. Even though you have the plan, they're actually making the phone calls to start the process of everything for you. These aren't plans my parents have or put together. They didn't even know about them, but it is a plan that I have so that everything can be put together. And when my time comes, my son has to only make one phone call and everything will be handled. Tonight, please hug your people a little tighter. Tell them that you love them. And remember, preparation isn't fear, it's love in action. And at the end of the day, maintaining and strengthening the love we have for the most important peoples in our lives, isn't that the ultimate goal? It's the only thing we can take with us and we'll work like crazy to make a mark on this world. But are we working like crazy to make a mark on the people we love most? Thank you for being here with me again this week on chat with Nat, conversations that count. And I look forward to meeting with you again next week. Next week, I'm going to be talking about my caregiving setup. How do I have things arranged and why? What are some of the tools and things that my world in hands on caregiving for my mom, just a little bit more organized and easier. So I look forward to sharing that message with you on next week's episode. And until then, take care and stay safe.