Dove's Inner B.E.A.U.T.Y. Podcast

When Past Pain Blocks Present Connections: Healing the Wounds of Trauma

• Demetria Nickens • Episode 25

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How Does Unresolved Trauma Impact Our Ability To Trust And Connect With Others? 

What happens when the scars of our past prevent us from truly connecting in the present? Trauma doesn't just fade away—it fundamentally reshapes how we approach relationships, often without our awareness.

Demetria Nickens draws from over twenty years of experience as a trauma recovery coach to explore how seemingly unrelated events from our past can sabotage our current connections. Using the powerful example of hurricane survivors, she illustrates how loss of control during traumatic events creates ripple effects throughout our relationships. When well-meaning friends say things like "it's just stuff," they unintentionally deepen the wound, creating additional barriers to trust.

This episode delves into the psychological mechanics of how trauma responses work—why certain triggers instantly transport us back to past pain, why isolation feels safer than vulnerability, and why patterns repeat across different relationships. Whether you're struggling with trust issues yourself or trying to understand a loved one's seemingly irrational reactions, this episode offers compassionate insight into the invisible wounds that shape our most important relationships. Ready to transform your understanding of trauma's impact on connection? Listen now and take the first step toward authentic relationships built on genuine trust rather than protective patterns from the past.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast, where we foster emotional awareness, one individual at a time Leading the way is Demetria Nickens, a certified mental health first aid instructor and trauma recovery coach with over two decades of experience in fostering emotional awareness in others by engaging their mental health awareness in others by engaging their mental health.

Speaker 2:

Trauma leaves scars that can significantly affect how we relate to others. But how does unresolved trauma impact our ability to trust, form connection and experience healthy relationships? Let's dive into the psychological effects of trauma and how healing can restore those connections. Welcome back everyone. This is Garfield Bone co-host slash producer, back in the studio with Demetria Nickin. Demetria, how's it going today?

Speaker 3:

So far, so good.

Speaker 2:

Excellent, excellent. So how does unresolved trauma impact our ability?

Speaker 3:

to trust and connect with others? Such a heavy question, um, but when you think about trauma, this idea of there was a loss of control in your life and it is staying with you, right? So when you're traumatized, it could be a number of things that have traumatized you. You never know, right? I can't tell you what traumatized you versus you can't tell me what traumatized me. We're going to be very different based on the situation in our lives and our circumstances. So let's take a hurricane, for example. A hurricane came and blew out your house, right, and you have been traumatized because of that, because your possessions were there, you had family history there, there were things there that mattered to you. It just it impacted you, and so that hurricane coming in and taking out your house was traumatic for you, right, and so whenever you think about a thing that you lost, you're crying. You know it's just not healthy because it just continues for months and months and months where you're still considering this hurricane. Maybe even when it rains, you're worried that you're going to lose something else. It's a very valid experience for somebody, right, when they dealt with that. So this loss of control I can't do anything about the weather this loss of control impacts how you move through the world, right? So maybe someone came to you and said to you oh you know, don't worry about all this stuff, it's materialistic, right? Oh, you're fine, you'll be fine, you'll go back to everything you need to get. Well, while that's nice in theory to say, the reality is is that situation has genuinely ended. So now I want to tell you my story about this hurricane, because you're just going to minimize it into materialistic things, when it meant more to me than that. So now I got an issue with you too, right? It's not just that my house is gone, it's not an issue with you and telling people my story, right? So how many people have possibly done that or said the similar things in my life over and over again? But that just reminds me of how much I'm missing and not what I'm dealing with, not the present moment.

Speaker 3:

Part of the problem is that this unresolved trauma and the things that people say after the trauma. They impact our trust and how we decide to continue to trust people after the situation. And it's not that people mean to be ugly or that they mean they just don't know what to really say. So they're trying to say the nicest thing they think they can say to help you, but that doesn't mean what they're saying is helping. It could be very hindering, right, and so in that instance, you could start to lose trust with people. Right, based on oh man, they responded in a way that I wasn't feeling, so I cut them off and I don't talk to them anymore.

Speaker 3:

So then, instead of connecting with folks, we isolate. We have come to this point of like nope, you know, my house is gone, my friends aren't doing what I need them to do, their family's not helping, everybody's just saying the same thing. And you know what? I'm just? I'm blocking myself. I'm just going to isolate from other people. I'm not going to Okay.

Speaker 3:

So what happens when we isolate from other people? Right, like you start to find ways to cope, but most people don't think about healthy ways to cope. They think about unhealthy ways to cope. So now you're isolated and you're thinking about unhealthy ways of coping in your situation and the trauma that happened. What does that lead to that? It continues to lead down more negative, negative, negative paths. It doesn't lead to more connection with other people, and so, at the end of the day, one thing just creates this cycle of negativity in your life instead of helping you and I'm not saying that that is everybody's story. That's just one example about something that you can't control Hurricane that's not even talking about like someone violated you in your trauma and now you don't trust people. So you know there are people who've been sexually abused and now they don't trust men. Relationships are difficult because now I can't trust you, right, because this person violating me back here. So now I'm trying to be in a relationship with you and I can't trust you, but I want a relationship with you and I'm having trouble building this relationship because I can't trust men and I'm conflicted, right. So all these conflicts happen out of trauma.

Speaker 3:

The way you react happens out of this trauma. It's interesting I was just talking to a student earlier today and part of the concern was this idea that he broke up with his girlfriend. But where did it come from this idea? You know these issues with his girlfriend and how it was hard for him to let go. It was hard for me to let go because, girl, I really care about her. But what did it come down to? It came down to this that there were issues with his mom when he was a kid, right, and not wanting to let go of his mom, even though there was issues there with his mother substance use issues and things like that there with his mom and so he's been reacting to women and this whole same idea of having to lose his mother from non-convenient.

Speaker 3:

So these cycles happen to us, where we get caught in these cycles of behavior based on our reactions to a trauma that happened years ago and sometimes it's not years ago, it depends on the situation but often we're not seeing how this thing is stopping us from moving forward. Right, it's stopping us from creating positive relationships. It's stopping us from creating trust, because all we think about is this trauma Right, our mind is so focused here in the trauma that we can't see past it. When a situation happens, it's similar to the trauma, right, it could be a smell, it could be a piece of clothing, it could be anything that triggers. Right, the word trigger, we use it all the time, but this idea that it could, that triggers your memory, your brain, and then your brain is going to Nope, it's similar to that, so we're going to go back to it.

Speaker 3:

That's it. We don't trust you no more, right? Nope, we don't trust you, and it could have been something super simple, but now it's the lack of trust that's there is gone, the connection is gone, and so we have to go back and deal with whatever this issue was in our life, this trauma that happens in our life, so we can move currently in ways that are serving us, so that we are not trying to push people away, that we're actually connecting with folks and that we're connecting in a way that allows us to be vulnerable or connecting in a way that allows us to help ourselves, that we're connecting in a way that allows us to feel and heal right. Yeah, there's a lot to say there.

Speaker 2:

I don't know if this word exists, but I guess you have to untrigger the brain.

Speaker 3:

You know what? No, right, so it's not necessarily untrigger. They call it like a retrain, they call it retraining your brain. Right, right, no, really, that is a real thing. It's a real therapy technique. Is this idea of retraining your brain because right now, your brain is only thinking in trauma, this is what's happening and say, okay, stop yourself. All right, I'm feel this. Okay, what am I going to do next? Right, and being able to not respond in the trauma response, that's what it's called. If you're responding in a trauma response and not in your genuine, authentic person of who you are. You cannot get to authenticity when all you think about and everything you do is based in the trauma. So, yeah, no, that's a real thing. It's this idea of retraining your brain. That's the right.

Speaker 2:

Connections are good, isolation is bad and we need to get the right coach to figure it out.

Speaker 3:

Something like that right.

Speaker 2:

Listen, good stuff. You have a wonderful rest of the day. We'll see you in the next episode.

Speaker 3:

Thank you.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for tuning in to the Doves Inner Beauty Podcast, where we foster emotional awareness, one individual at a time. For a complimentary consultation, visit DovesInnerBeautycom or call 336-298-6599. That's 336-298-6599.