How to Respond to Criticism From Your Adult Child

When criticism from your adult child strikes, it can take you by surprise and leave you without words. Let’s fix that on today’s episode of the Blooming in the Middle Podcast!

Because if you’re a mom of adult kids, you’ve probably been there—your son or daughter says something that makes you stop in your tracks. Maybe it’s a critique of how you raised them, how you “just don’t get it,” or even how you’re too involved… yet somehow not involved enough. It can feel like a no-win situation.

So today, we’re going to talk about those moments and what to say when you don’t know what to say.

Because, above all, you want to build a solid adult relationship with your kids. So, you need to know what works when you find yourself under fire. You know it’s not helpful to get defensive. And if you’ve gone down the rabbit hole of over-apologizing, you know that doesn’t work either.

So, let’s dive in and get you some go-to answers that will help you feel prepared the next time your adult child decides you need to hear what’s wrong with you.

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Jody Cates is a faith-based life coach who helps Christian women navigate the changes and challenges of midlife and step into the joy-filled second half God created them for. Her 90-minute Midlife Strategy Session is a personalized coaching experience designed to help you gain clarity, confidence, and direction for your next chapter.

Learn more about how you can work with Jody to find your focus, renew your purpose, age with confidence, and grow satisfying relationships in midlife and beyond at BloomingintheMiddle.com.

Grab your free copy of Midlife Reframed, Jody's practical, faith-filled guide that will transform the way you think about midlife by replacing four common midlife myths with empowering biblical truths.

Transcript

When criticism from your adult child strikes, it can take you by surprise and leave you without words. Let’s fix that on today’s episode of the Blooming in the Middle Podcast!

Because if you’re a mom of adult kids, you’ve probably been there—your son or daughter says something that makes you stop in your tracks. Maybe it’s a critique of how you raised them, how you “just don’t get it,” or even how you’re too involved… yet somehow not involved enough. It can feel like a no-win situation.

So today, we’re going to talk about those awkward moments and what to say when you don’t know what to say.

Because, above all, you want to build a solid relationship with your kids. So, you need to know what works when you find yourself under fire. You know it’s not helpful to get defensive. And if you’ve gone down the rabbit hole of over-apologizing, you know that doesn’t work either.

So, let’s dive in and get you some go-to answers that will help you feel prepared the next time your adult child decides you need to hear what’s wrong with you.

Kids Criticizing Parents is Nothing New

First, let’s take a deep breath and remember—kids criticizing parents is nothing new. This whole parent-child disagreement thing? It’s been going on forever. Generations have been navigating these tricky waters from ancient Israel to modern-day living rooms. Parents and kids struggle to see eye to eye.

It usually goes something like this:

Your grown child is figuring out life and independence, which sometimes means their words come out clumsy—or downright harsh. Meanwhile, you’re just trying to keep up, maybe feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

They say something critical, not realizing how much it stings. You feel attacked—maybe you get defensive, maybe you shut down. Either way, both of you walk away feeling frustrated and misunderstood. And if this cycle keeps repeating, it can put a real strain on your relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Today, we’re talking about how to handle criticism from your adult child without losing your cool, your confidence, or your connection.

Why Do Adult Kids Criticize Their Parents?

Let’s start by talking about why these conversations can feel so frustrating.

If you’re the parent of a young adult, chances are you’re either Gen X or a late Baby Boomer. That means you grew up in a world that valued strength, self-reliance, and just “figuring things out.” Struggles were something you pushed through, and complaining? Not really an option.

Now, enter Gen Z—your kids born after 1997. They’ve grown up in a culture that encourages deep emotional awareness. They talk openly about mental health, trauma, and processing their feelings. And while there’s a whole lot of good in that, it also means they tend to see struggle differently than we do.

So, when your Gen Z child says something like: “You didn’t support me enough as a kid.”

Your gut reaction might be: “Hey! Wait a minute—I did the best I could! You had food and a roof over your head, and I loved you!”

Of course, these are broad generalizations (and yes, millennials are in the mix, too!). But the key here is that every generation is shaped by the world they grew up in.

And that’s the tension.

The Beliefs of Every Generation are Shaped Differently

No matter how much we try to pass down our values, at some point, our kids will see things differently than we do.

That’s part of growing up! We all did it—questioning, challenging, and rejecting some of our parents’ beliefs as we figured out our own way in the world.

That’s what makes James 1:19 so powerful: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” So that’s what we’re going to practice today.

Because the goal isn’t to prove whose generation is right—it’s to keep the conversation open so you can stay connected.

How to Respond With Grace to Criticism From Your Child 

This is our challenge: When your adult child levels criticism at you, how do you handle it with grace?

Well, there are three important things to keep in mind. Three things that can move you away from destructive conversations with your child toward the kind of conversations that will help you stay connected.

After we talk about these three things, I’ll share a couple of specific examples of answers you can keep in your pocket so you won’t be struck speechless next time you’re hit with a not-so-constructive comment about your parenting or the way you live your life.

But first, here are the three rules of engagement to remember when you feel criticized by your adult child:

1. Validate Their Feelings, But Don’t Take on Unnecessary Guilt

Validation reassures your child that their emotions matter, which helps them feel heard and respected.

However, it’s important to remember that validation doesn’t mean total agreement or taking on guilt for things beyond your control.

Guilt is a slippery slope. On the one hand, it can cause you to go into defend and deny mode, which can lead to one or both of you shutting down or escalating the conversation into an argument.

On the other hand, guilt can make you feel like you should absorb all the blame. This creates an unhealthy dynamic where the emotions of your child chip away at your confidence as a parent and cause you to start second-guessing every parenting decision you’ve ever made.

Either way, guilt does nothing to move the conversation forward.

So yes, acknowledging your child’s feelings opens the door for healthy dialogue, but keeping your own perspective intact helps maintain balance.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries remind your child that while their feelings matter, so do yours. They keep the conversation productive rather than destructive.

Without boundaries, conversations can spiral into blame, emotional dumping, or disrespect. 

If your child starts attacking your character rather than discussing their feelings, you can set a boundary by saying something like, “I want to have this conversation, but I need us to do it in a way that’s respectful to both of us. If we can’t do that, I may need to step away.”

Boundaries help create a space where both of you can express yourselves without the conversation turning into an interrogation, a guilt trip, or an argument. 

3. Offer Perspective Gently

Perspective helps bridge the generational gap. Many young adults assume their parents had it “easier” or that they “should have known better” in every situation. 

Offering a gentle perspective (without lecturing) can help them see the bigger picture. Sharing a bit about why you parented the way you did or what you learned over time invites mutual understanding.

So the next time you’re tempted to say, “You have no idea how hard I had it growing up!” you could try this instead: “I know my approach to life may seem different from yours, and that’s because I was raised in a different time with different challenges. But I do want to understand what you’re going through now.”

Perspective encourages mutual understanding, helping your child see you as a real person rather than just “the parent.” It shifts the conversation from blame to growth.

Real-Time Answers for Real-Life Criticisms

Now, let's talk about what this sounds like in real life.

I often hear from moms asking how they should handle these tricky conversations and how frustrated they feel not knowing what to say in the moment.

Sometimes, we’ll role-play the scenario and come up with answers that feel doable to them. And other times, an especially frustrated mom will come right out and ask me, “What should I say if this happens again?”

So, I thought it might be helpful to hear a couple of ways you might like to try responding the next time you find yourself speechless in the face of criticism from your adult child.

Here are three examples of real-time answers for real-life criticisms. You can modify them to fit your situation. And I encourage you to do that.

If they say: "You didn’t give me enough emotional support growing up."

Try something like this:

• “I hear that you feel like you needed more from me emotionally, and I’m sorry if I missed that. I love you deeply, and I did the best I could with what I understood at the time. I’d love to know what kind of emotional support you need from me now.”

If they Say: "You don’t understand how hard it is to be a young adult today."

Try something like this:

• “You’re right—I didn’t come of age in the same world you did. But I do know that every generation faces struggles, and I want to understand yours better. What do you wish I understood more?”

If they Say: "You don’t take mental health seriously enough."

Try something like this:

• “I hear that this is really important to you. Mental health wasn’t talked about as much when I was growing up, so I may not always understand it the way you do. I respect your feelings, and I’m willing to learn. How can I support you in a way that’s helpful?”

Remember, your goal with each of these examples is to keep your connection and the conversation going. So each of these possible responses uses the three-part framework from earlier: validation, boundaries, and gentle perspective.

Try it out, and let me know how it goes. And if you could use more support with having tough conversations with your adult kids, please reach out. I’d love to help.

When Criticism Feels Like Failure – Remember This 

Finally, I want to encourage you with this: just because your child has criticisms doesn’t mean you failed. 

Every generation wrestles with different perspectives. Your job now isn’t to defend yourself at every turn but to listen with patience, set healthy boundaries, and keep showing love.

And here’s the truth—your adult child will have struggles in life. That’s not because you failed as a mother. That’s because they’re human, and life is hard. Our kids have to wrestle with their own journey, just like we did.

So the next time your child criticizes you, take a deep breath and listen. Say a quick prayer for wisdom and grace, and trust that your relationship isn’t defined by one tough conversation.

Thanks for joining me today! You’ll find these keys to having healthier conversations with your adult kids at bloominginthemiddle.com/21 That’s where you’ll find the full transcript for this episode and other helpful resources for navigating midlife.

If this episode encouraged you, I invite you to share it with a friend who needs a little reassurance. And remember—God isn’t finished with you yet. It’s your time to shine.