How My Dog Keeps Me Sane (mini remix episode #4)

When I rescued a dog, I never imagined the impact she would have on my mental health. Sure, her presence and warmth was calming and healing, but my dog Amber taught me a crucial lesson about how to handle my bipolar disorder.

Happy to have a rescue dog in my life, things went downhill when a doctor put me on an antidepressant (which is a risky medication move if you have bipolar illness). And for me, it sent me into mania and then psychosis. In order to get care, I had to leave Amber home alone. And while trapped in a psych hospital, I had no way to get any care for her. As the clocked ticked by, my dog was home alone. She finally did get care, but when I returned, she showed signs of distress and this made me feel awful. She taught me that my illness impacts those around us--especially loved ones.

In this mini-remix I talk to JD about how this experience changed my life and has helped me prevent hospitalizations. Sometimes our greatest teachers have fur and four legs.

 Recorded & Edited at ModernTone Studios.

Transcript

Sponsor Introduction: Soar with Tapping

Speaker 1 0:00

We are supported by the Soar with Tapping app. Tapping is a powerful science-backed tool that calms your nervous system. I've been using Soar with Tapping nightly for insomnia and I am sleeping well. Visit the Soar with Tapping app at Apple and Google Play stores to start your journey towards freedom right from your phone. Welcome to Bipolar she. I'm your host, janine Noel. Before we get started, the content of this show does include suicide or suicidal ideation. If you're ever in need of immediate support, please dial 988-A-SUICIDE-AND-CRISIS-LIFELINE. We are gearing up for our new season and revisiting some episodes. I wanted to replay part of this very early episode because I share what has helped me stay out of psych hospitals for 14 years now, and the solution is seemingly simple I got a dog, and what I learned about relationships through my dog has made all the difference. So here's my story about my dog, amber, who changed my life.

Speaker 2 1:15

So what happens next?

Speaker 1 1:17

I thought I would get a dog in Tucson and that would maybe help me through my graduate program and that would maybe help me through my graduate program. So I just started like wandering around going to different rescues and looking at different dogs and I found this dog at Pima County Animal Control and she was kind of back in the cage that they have. I don't know if you've ever looked for a dog, but some of these dogs like know they're on display, like they come up and prance around Right at the front gate, pick me, pick me, yeah. But she was in the back. They said she was part Shiba Inu, which is a breed I love because I had a Shiba Inu at one point.

Psychosis and Hospitalization in Tucson

Speaker 1 2:07

Anyways, I wasn't sure about her. She was very sad and I took her out and her tail was between her legs and then one of the volunteers said, hey, I think that's your dog. I was like, oh God really, and she was. So I rescued her and like socially I just did not fit in to this graduate program. I was older, I think I was, oh gosh, like 35 or something. Everyone was like younger and hipper and cooler in Tucson and I was sort of this old person, very few friends, so it was just me and the stag. I was totally lonely, and then things didn't go so well in Tucson.

Speaker 2 2:41

What happened?

Speaker 1 2:42

I had a psychiatrist who put me on an antidepressant and I thought that was normal and fine. Later I learned that that's not a great treatment for some people with bipolar disorder.

Speaker 2 2:57

Right.

Speaker 1 2:57

And I just again, like I lost touch and I don't know if I can trace it back to a very specific moment. I just remember there was this deep riverbed that like runs through Tucson, and I lived right on it. So it was this big sand pit you could go down into and my dog would play down there and I would walk through there and I just started feeling, I guess, a similar feeling like I'm being watched, I'm part of something greater. I mean even to the extent that, like the labels in my shirt, you know, were just for me, wow, and so signs were coming that way. But I was roaming through these sand pits, you know, at night too, kind of dangerous. I was also teaching, in the middle of teaching, like freshman English, and I'm completely just breaking down in front of my students. I think some of the Can you breaking down how?

Speaker 2 3:57

What was that?

Speaker 1 3:59

I think it was mostly paranoid, thinking Again that I was connected to evil, I was connected to the devil and I would feel that energy in certain ways. And I remember, like scrambling and going to this church as much as I could in Tucson, those symbols and signs, like the certain way people would drive and this is kind of weird, Like you know when you hang your arm out the window or go like this to me. That freaked me out whenever I saw somebody with their hand out the window.

Speaker 2 4:36

You mean even just their elbow resting on the door their?

Speaker 1 4:39

elbow or no, or the whole kind of the whole hand hanging out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 4:44

Okay.

Speaker 1 4:44

To me that meant like hell, that like I'm. When I see that sign, like I'm in hell, that is the symbol that my soul is now in hell. Wow, still see that today and get like a shiver. And it started in Tucson because I was seeing my therapist and I walked out and I knew I wasn't well and she told me to like go home and breathe and relax. And I was like this is so far beyond that. And then this woman yelled out her window and like, hung her hand out and I went oh my God.

Speaker 2 5:20

Oh, that kind of cemented this whole experience.

Speaker 1 5:26

And I really wasn't in touch with anybody there and so during these times sometimes I would fall off from being in touch with my family or friends, like I wouldn't call back very quickly. And so there came a day where I thought I had called them and I didn't think it was that big of a deal to call them back, but for them they got very worried that something was wrong with me because I was losing contact with them. And yeah, I went into the sandpit and walked and thought about my label and my clothes and I wasn't writing a suicide note. But I started writing all these very just like personal notes about actually things that made me happy in my life. And maybe it was like this, maybe it was a suicide note. I didn't quite feel that way. But then they sent a police officer over to check on me, to do a safety check.

Speaker 2 6:23

Uh-oh, here are the police again. Not a good sign in your life when these folks show up.

Speaker 1 6:28

Well, she was really nice.

Speaker 2 6:30

Okay.

Speaker 1 6:31

And she's like I see you write a lot of notes. She looks at my table. I'm like, yeah, I write a lot. She's like you know what I do? Every day I write a note and then I burn it, like, oh, that's actually pretty good advice. And maybe she called my family.

Speaker 1 6:50

They sent another batch of social workers out to see me. Okay, and this is when things really shifted, and this is when some of my acting thinking came back, because they sent two social workers. One was a blonde girl. She just looked like a sorority girl. She was very pretty. And then the guy that came was dark-skinned. He looked like he walked right off of a soap opera. He had these big biceps and a tight t-shirt and she sat with me and she's just chit-chatting with me and I'm talking to them and I don't really know what's up. But the whole time they're saying we'd like you to come and get assessed by us. And I have my dog and she's down at my toes and I'm just listening and I say I can't go. I have my dog, like who's gonna care for? I said you know, I'm sure there are resources. Someone will come and help your dog and I was just afraid to leave her, but they really convinced me that it was the best thing to do.

Speaker 2 7:57

So did you leave her.

Letting Down My Dog Amber

Speaker 1 7:59

I did. I left my dog and I was admitted to Pima County Hospital and it was brutal and scary, and all the time I was just trying to get in touch with a nurse and they were all behind glass and I couldn't even get to anybody to talk to them to ask about how to get my dog and it just it took forever. It took almost a day to get my cell phone and to call a friend, and a friend that I didn't even know that well, I told them about all the hell in my head and this poor young woman is just from my graduate program. But she did go get my dog and finally my mom came and got my dog and finally I was discharged and when I went home my dog Amber, she, like the fur on the ridge of her back, shot up and she kind of held back. She didn't run right towards me and it took a minute for her to connect with me and for us to start playing again.

Speaker 1 9:06

And it was the most awful feeling to know that it took almost a day. She was home alone, maybe for 18 hours and then for her to look at me that way and to feel like I've just failed my dependent. I just, you know, I promised her the world and that happened. And could I have prevented it? So that, I think, was the beginning of me really understanding how whatever happens with me impacts other people.

Speaker 2 9:40

Right or other beings yeah.

Speaker 1 9:47

Yeah, and to let her down, that was awful. I mean it just was awful. It just was awful. But we got out of there, my mom came and we drove out with my dog and returned to the Bay Area and I went into a partial treatment program and there it was just reinforced as well. Like I've somehow need to just get this handled so this just doesn't happen again.

Speaker 2 10:12

What is a partial treatment program?

Speaker 1 10:21

So you go, it's a day program, okay, yeah, and so I mean, in total I've had seven psychiatric hospitalizations and probably four partial hospitalizations, and it was during that partial hospitalization that I became more fearful as well. I saw very smart people dealing with illness that kind of reduced them to nothing in terms of intelligence, like a woman from Harvard that could no longer work. She was a scientist, I think, and she was trying to apply to a retail store and having to work so below her intellect and seeing that again. So that with my dog and adding all these things up, it just became really clear that that for me, staying out of the hospital is a big priority, right, and not letting this happen again is a big priority, and I wish it worked that way. I wish that everything just fell into place after that, and it didn't. I had like three more breaks, bouts of psychosis, like over a couple years, but I wasn't in the hospital. We were able to contain it, so that was really super lucky.

Speaker 2 11:37

Did you have a sense of the pattern, like what would bring this on, what would cause these breaks and then what would allow them? You know, like, how you would come out of it? Or you just couldn't even predict it would just come.

Speaker 1 11:51

It was very hard to predict, but I think the big sign was trouble sleeping and that could have been from a medication change or it could just spontaneously happen and for me that was a big sign. So monitoring that, but I mean my life, jd. I live a pretty rigid life in terms of taking my medication, sleeping early, listening to the same meditation. For over three years now I have a full life, but it's just not impromptu, I would say.

Speaker 2 12:28

Right, it's good for you to have routines, to really have structure.

Speaker 1 12:32

Yeah, people need it really have structure.

Speaker 2 12:38

Yeah, people need it In the future. Do you feel like you envision your life expanding more, or do you feel like this is the way it needs to be? And I don't really foresee a change right now.

Speaker 1 12:47

I don't see much of a change. I think I'm going to have to do this the rest of my life and keep it pretty. I say rigid, but maybe there's a better word for it Not quite as severe.

Speaker 2 13:01

Structured maybe.

Episode Closing and Thanks

Speaker 1 13:02

Yeah, I mean this is the only way I can do it and somewhat try and guarantee that I'll have a good day. Yeah, so I mean all in all. Yeah, so I mean all in all, I'm really fortunate at this point. Yeah, great for me. Yeah, well, I'm glad you made it, thank you. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I have to confess I gave bipolar she five stars today and we've been going for 30 plus episodes, but the rate and review on Apple podcast wasn't and, as always, thank you.