Followed By Mercy

The Missionary's Guide to Finding Grace in Grief with Bridgette Young

• W. Austin Gardner • Season 1 • Episode 6

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When the unimaginable happens and we're left navigating the dark waters of grief, finding a beacon of hope can be a formidable challenge. Bridgette Young, a missionary with a heartrending story of loss, joins me to share how therapy became that beacon for her, illuminating a path through the pain. Bridgette's candid discussion about her virtual therapy journey from Colombia, and the profound effect grief had on her physical health, underscores the often-overlooked necessity of professional support during such times. Through her story, we're given an intimate look at the intricate process of healing, and how prioritizing one's well-being can make all the difference.

As our conversation unfolds, we explore the complex tapestry of trauma, identity, and faith. The narrative takes us through the emotional labyrinth of pregnancy termination due to medical reasons, a friend's empathetic response that became a cornerstone of healing, and the vital role of specialized counseling. We confront the cultural pressures that can obscure a woman's identity in Christ, discussing how to find true purpose that transcends the roles of wife and mother. Bridgette and I also tackle the transformative power of empathy and the liberating realization that our worth is deeply rooted in our relationship with God, not the societal constructs around us.

Closing this episode, we reflect on the enduring strength derived from faith and scripture amidst life's most harrowing losses. Bridgette and I share personal encounters with divine goodness and mercy, even when God's plans seem shrouded in mystery. Our discussion culminates with Bridgette's courageous step into authorship, driven by a desire to share God's transformative work in her life with others. As we celebrate the resilience of the human spirit and the solace found in shared stories, this special edition of the World Evangelism Podcast is a testament to the unwavering hope that comes from community and faith in the face of adversity.

Thanks for listening. Find us on YouTube, Substack, Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

Austin Gardner:

Well, I am so happy to be back again with missionary Bridgette Young. She has blessed us big time. My wife is listening to us as we record this and she just said boy, this has been good and I really like it, so I hope that you do and I hope you'll share. Bridget made the comment maybe this is a little bit long for an author podcast, but that's really not what it's about the book. I want you to get the book, but it's really not about that. It's about Bridget being used of God to help us, and so this is the World Evangelism Podcast, and I'm your host, austin Gardner, and we are definitely glad that you are here with us, and we are looking forward to hearing how Bridget can help us more by what God allowed her to go through, and God gave her a message, a message that I think is going to bless you and help you. So, bridget, we were talking about therapy uh, we were talking about, uh, uh, therapy. So explain to me a little bit what's it like to go to therapy? How does that happen?

Bridgette Young:

How does that work? Um, well, for me it was all virtual, because we were in Columbia when I started to go to therapy and even, um, I still meet with my group therapist on occasion. Uh, when needed, Um, and it's done virtually, and even I still meet with my group therapist on occasion when needed, and it's done virtually. So I, somebody reached out to me, like I said, and it was someone who was checking in on me and I tried to fake it and this person could see through that. I think she could tell.

Austin Gardner:

And so she said have you ever talked to?

Bridgette Young:

anybody about what you went through and what happened. And I was like, no, I don't need to talk to anybody about this. I got this. You know I was drowning, but I was, I totally had it. And she said, listen, I know this guy who does coaching and counseling. He's a retired pastor. Let me send you his information and, you know, pray about it and see what happens. And so I emailed him and I was like a friend recommended me to you to talk about and I mentioned, you know, very in a, in a brief way, and I didn't mention any details. Like you know, we went through lots of child and I'm still struggling with it. You know, are you able to help me with it? And he was like, yeah, let's get together and talk.

Bridgette Young:

And for me it looked like sharing my story, talking about how it was. You know the cliche, how does that make you feel can be very helpful. So I went through all of that, but I would add on but I know I'm not supposed to feel like this, I know I'm not supposed to be angry, I know I should have been able to handle that better, I shouldn't be thinking this way. And I said it's already been a year and that one year anniversary threw me through a loop. I really thought it was supposed to get better. And then I, and then he looked at me funny and I stopped talking and he was like what do you mean? It's? It's already been a year. He said. It's only been a year since you lost your child. And he explained to me a lot of times in the during that first year, where our brains put us in survival mode because we can't process all of it at once, because it's just too overwhelming, and then, once the first year hits, it sinks in that, okay, this is my reality. We really did lose a child. Now I have to live with this and without this child, and then our, our body's slowly allowing us to process and to understand what happened and we begin to grieve in different ways. Um and so for me it was just. It was taking it very slowly because at the beginning it was. It was really hard. It was extremely triggering for me because I had not talked about it at all with anybody.

Bridgette Young:

The first time that I shared in detail what happened around Callan's death. I was shaking, I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was terrible and that affected me for months. My nerves were just shot honestly. Um, my nerves were were just shot honestly and honestly. This year it's probably the first time that I feel like I'm physically recovering from both of my losses. You know, nerve wise, mentally wise. I've had to really make myself rest. I've had to put my health kind of as priority because a lot of people don't understand how, um, how much grief and that heavy stress can really affect us physically and people don't realize that this is grief. And we actually learned that through grief share.

Bridgette Young:

And then when I started meeting with a lady who is a Christian therapist that I was referred to because of the complex trauma and grief that was around our first loss, he said I feel like I've reached kind of the capacity where I'm at professionally to help you.

Bridgette Young:

He said but I have someone I can recommend you to, that will, that can continue to help you and I still meet with him for certain things that aren't on kind of that level, if that makes sense. But I started meeting with this lady. She has a lot of experience dealing specifically with people go through grief, all types, and she was actually the first person and this was less than a year ago now. I met with her and it was mainly to talk about dealing with my fertility loss and things like that Cause that was, as a woman, that's extremely hard to come to terms with and accept when it's not something that happens, you know, after a long time, and it's just it's there one day and it's gone the next. But I was was still really stuck. I felt like, regarding Callan's loss, still, I was still carrying around all of this guilt that I shouldn't have been carrying but nobody would talk about with me, and so she said is there?

Bridgette Young:

anything else on your mind you need to discuss. And I was like okay. So I finally opened up to her and I was like here's what happened with my first loss loss and I share with her the details. And then I held my breath because anybody else I had shared that with other than my first counselor, and my husband had always said oh, you can't call it an abortion, you can't think like that. That's just going to cause problems. You just need to basically get over it and don't think about it. And instead of her trying to change, the truth instead of rewordingording it.

Bridgette Young:

She looked at me and she said wow, that must have been so difficult to do, to have to do, as a mother, to sign a piece of paper that gives doctors permissions to take your pregnancy out of your body while it's still living.

Bridgette Young:

She said that must have been so hard and that must have hurt really bad.

Bridgette Young:

And that's all she said about it.

Bridgette Young:

She didn't say well, you know, you really shouldn't think about it that way, or no, you shouldn't call it that, because you know that's going to make people uncomfortable or that's quote unquote, not true, which it was true. And in the moment that she validated the truth of what happened, that was a huge breakthrough for me did go through that and that is the reality of what happened and it's okay to accept that that's my truth, that that's the story that God has chosen to give me, and now I can learn how to get through that, that I don't have to carry this guilt around, that it was out of my hands. It doesn't make it easier, like, even as I'm talking about this right now, I can feel my myself start to shake because it's something that's really hard to come to terms with and a lot of pastors, and this is through no fault of their own. Pastors aren't trained how to deal with counseling a woman who has to go through trauma like this. It's usually just not part of the curriculum in Bible college and that's okay.

Bridgette Young:

However, when pastors aren't honestly humble enough to say I can't help you with this, I can help you on a spiritual level, but I can't help you on the psychological level, if that makes sense. So let's find someone who can and let me walk with you through this and I'll be here to help you through that. A lot of times it's just okay here's a bunch of verses and just keep trusting God and yes, that's all great and we definitely need to do that. But we also have to deal with the trauma and the emotions and the processing at a practical level, because, if not, that person will never be able to heal and begin to move on in their grief. And so when we were getting counseling with our pastor and we mentioned you know, I'm going through grief therapy, he was very supportive of that and that was super helpful. He never tried to say oh, no you should only be coming to me about this.

Bridgette Young:

He said I think that's great because they can offer you help. That I'm not an expert in, that, I'm not trained in yet, but he walked alongside of us and he helped us with our marriage. Uh, on a spiritual level, he helps. He kept reminding me of God's truths and God's promises and how I need to keep trusting him. And then, on a reality, the more realistic and practical level, I was learning how to deal with these emotions because I would take them and put them in a box and put the box way in the back of my mind and the box was getting so full that eventually it exploded.

Bridgette Young:

And you know that resulted in me wanting to walk away from my marriage and wanting to jump out of a hotel window and I would just try to stuff it all back and put it away and that's not processing, that's not helping me, that's just causing hurt.

Austin Gardner:

And it's hurting people around me. I cannot imagine what you've been through, but I really do think that what you're doing right now will help anyone that listens, and so we'll share it as many times as we can. So, uh, I, I'm guilty of the, of the putting in the box. Uh, that's one of my things. I do try to deal with stuff. So we've heard a little bit about what therapy is like. Now, give me a. Give me some more truths out of the book.

Bridgette Young:

Um, well, let's see, I'm trying to think there. There's a chapter on infertility specifically, and a friend of mine contributed to most of that chapter, because I can only relate to infertility as losing infertility and just not being able to have children period. There's no. Well, maybe this month it will happen, maybe this it's just not not ever going to happen. And a friend of mine contributed to it Um, she's had a. I believe it's been seven years that she's not been able to have children. She had a miscarriage and then since then, she's just not been able to get pregnant. They've tried different fertility treatments and medicines and all kinds of things.

Bridgette Young:

Um, basically, her infertility is not what defines her, that God is the author of her story, that, um, her identity is found in Christ and I love that truth, because I think so many women get caught up in thinking, well, if I don't have children, then I'm not completely a woman and I fell into that as well, and there's some days that I still will feel that way, but that's not the reality. Um, you know, feelings are not our reality. We feel that way, but that's not the reality. You know, feelings are not our reality. We can feel things, but that we don't have to let them dictate us and when we stay grounded in the truth that, as a Christian, my identity truly is found in Christ and that my first and foremost purpose as a Christian is to serve the Lord and to allow him to use my life and however he sees fit, and sharing the gospel with others. Of course, next to that, if God blesses me with a husband, praise the Lord. If he blesses me with children, that's great too.

Bridgette Young:

But if he never does allow, you know, a woman never gets married has she missed her purpose as a woman? No, absolutely not, because her purpose is in Christ. Her purpose is being used of God to reach the world, and all of the extra things that come with that are just beautiful, undeserved blessings. But the husband I have I do not deserve him.

Bridgette Young:

Willow and the two sweet babies that I have, I don't deserve them, but God graciously gave them to me. Whether they were earth side or not, they're still gifts that I did not deserve, and for as long as he gave them to me, it was an undeserved amount of time. And for as long as he gave them to me, it was an undeserved amount of time. And so when? But when? Women Christian women especially, get so caught up in you know, being a Proverbs 31 woman, which I think is great, we should all strive to be that but they put their identity into a person instead of in Christ, and they get so wrapped up in being like this one person instead of no, we nowhere to be like Christ and then being like Christ.

Bridgette Young:

He has a specific role for women and for men, and if you become a wife your role is going to change a little bit, but your role as a Christian never changes. If you become a mother, your role is going to shift a little bit, but that's not where our identity is, because one day your children are going to grow up and leave the home.

Bridgette Young:

So then what's your purpose after that? And if you've only put your purpose in your children or your husband, and then one day those things are gone, you're left with feeling like you don't know who you are. And I went through that because I found that my body could not give my husband any more children and I felt like a failure to him.

Bridgette Young:

And I felt like a failure to my daughter and I was like, okay, lord, what is my purpose? And I lost sight of. Your purpose has not changed. Your purpose is to serve the Lord and to share the gospel with others. Your purpose is not just to be a wife and just to be a mother, because God has plans for all of our lives and, yes, there are things that he's going to add into our lives for us to care for and to do, and those seasons will change and once I get through the season of motherhood, I'm going to go to another season. But my purpose throughout all of the seasons of my life will be the same and that is to serve the Lord, to share the gospel and to live each day for Him.

Bridgette Young:

And I think, sadly, a lot of women get so wrapped up in the culture of you have to have children to be a woman of Christ. You, a woman of christ, you have to have, you know, lots of children, or you have to get married in order to be a good christian woman. And that's not biblical, because nowhere in the bible does it say you have to be married to be a good christian.

Bridgette Young:

it says having a wife is a good thing, um, children are a gift from the lord. And whoever had, uh, the verse in psalms that talks about, um, uh, when they had he, if he has his quiver full like having a lot of children a good thing? Sorry, I'm completely butchering the verse right now. Those are all good things, but we read time and time again in the New Testament that says you know, god has called us to spread the gospel and to make disciples and anything extra that comes with that. You know. Great, those are wonderful blessings and God can use them. But our sole identity is not in just being a mother or being able to have children.

Bridgette Young:

Soul identity is not in just being a mother or being able to have children. So that way, and it all goes back to when everything is stripped away, what do we have left? We still have Christ, and that's why our identity has to be in Christ, because without Him we're nothing. If I was a mother but I didn't have Christ, my life still would not have any purpose to it.

Austin Gardner:

Well, you know, I think God is writing a story of grace and he is using you to do that, and I think it's a beautiful story, and I want us to talk in just a second about how good God is, because God helped you and God was there for you when nobody else except your husband and a few others and it feels like nobody's there Even when it gets to, when you get deep enough in the pit, it's like even your love, most loved person's not there.

Bridgette Young:

Yeah, I know that.

Austin Gardner:

I know that my daughter-in-law laid on her husband's chest and cried for years because she couldn't get pregnant and it was brokenhearted. So I can only imagine the pain that you feel because God did give her children and we've seen God answer prayer. But what I'd like you to do is just tell us about our good God. Tell about how he was there for you and even though you were angry at him, he didn't get angry at you. And even though you wanted to walk away, he didn't want to walk away. What could you just? What did you learn about God?

Bridgette Young:

A lot and I'm still learning a lot about him. Um, I learned, I mean, that he's good. I learned how kind he is, because for a while I thought he's angry at me, punishing me. He's cruel, um. But then I realized no, he's so sweet because I can, I could look back at both circumstances and be like man. Look what God did here, like that's, that's only God. The fact that I flew to another country at 11 weeks with an ectopic pregnancy and it didn't rupture on the plane, that's God's mercy right there, because that's like unheard of the fact that I had another ectopic on a plane and it didn't rupture when it was already beginning to rupture.

Bridgette Young:

Both times they were like you had a lot of blood that was already pooled in your pelvis.

Bridgette Young:

We don't know how it didn't rupture on the plane, that's only God. That was God's mercy. The fact that my two and a half year old daughter for over six hours didn't cry except one time on the plane, that is God's mercy. Right there, that's God's goodness. The people that he put in our path the doctor the first time spoke English when I did not speak any Spanish at the time. That's God. The fact that the second time my cousin was in that city that I just randomly happened to fly into because of the flight I chose when I could have chosen 10 other different flights, that is all God. Because God is so good and he's so wise, he knows exactly what we need. When we don't see it, and then we look back and go. You know why would I even have flown into Charlotte, north Carolina, flying in from Medellin, columbia, like that flight path I never, would have ever taken and I'll probably never take again. But that was the only flight I could get and it was really odd to me that I had to fly from Medellin to Miami, to North Carolina and then back down to Savannah. I was like, why can I not fly any, find any flights to Georgia? And that's because God knew. God knew what I was going to need and that it gives me chill thinking about it, because it's just another sweet reminder that God saw me and, even though he knew what I was about to go through was going to be hard, he was like, it's okay, I've got this because I'm going to take care of the circumstances around you, something that has really stuck with me. That also is a huge reminder of how just how sovereign and good he is, like I mean, how obviously he's smart, he knows everything.

Bridgette Young:

But when I went through my first loss, a verse that kept going through my head was Psalms 23. I was the chapter over and over Before I went into surgery. I was left in this area by myself and those verses were going through my mind Yea, though I walked in the valley of the shadow of death, that whole passage I will fear no evil for thou art with me. And I kept saying that over and over and over because I suddenly knew at that moment like this is a really dangerous situation. My tube could rupture at any second and I could bleed out in minutes even before I get wheeled into surgery. But God gave me this indescribable peace that I knew I was going to get through the surgery and I can't explain it other than it was God.

Bridgette Young:

When I was boarding the flight from Miami to North Carolina, that same verse came in my head. I had a little bit of pain in my side and I was like Lord, why am I thinking of this verse? Walking on a plane, like I don't think the plane's going to crash, I was like I don't need this verse right now. So in my head I remember like arguing with him Like I don't need this verse right now, I just need to get on the plane and get to where I'm going. But he knew, and getting rolled into that second surgery, that same verse is going through my mind and that promise that if he's never going to leave me, he's always with me and I can look back and see he was.

Bridgette Young:

He was with me every step of the way. He was with me in those moments where I felt alone that nobody had the same, nobody would try to understand what we had gone through. There were moments that I felt like my husband didn't even understand that he wasn't there for me when we were just having rough times due to me and my anger just lashing out at him. I was pushing him away and isolated me. But God was always there, because he would always bring a verse to my mind, or he would. You know, I would find myself opening my Bible to Psalms and just weeping over Psalms, because that was the only thing I could connect with was God's word. And that, right there, tells me that that's God, because God knew what I needed, whether it was to read a verse about lamenting and mourning or to read about my grace is sufficient, and that verse has carried me through both as well. Um, his grace is sufficient for me, um, and my weakest moments and the moments where I feel so broken and so shattered and I it's painful to take the next breath and just to get up and brush my teeth in the morning that his grace is going to get me through, that. It's his strength and not my own.

Bridgette Young:

And people sent us things after both of our losses, whether it was a necklace or a memory box.

Bridgette Young:

People that came to Anaya's funeral was so sweet to me to see that I would have family drive, you know, six hours to come to a funeral service for a baby that they are never going to get to see and all they can see is the urn with his ashes, and I had a couple other friends drive down from Atlanta which was four and a half hours for them just to come sing songs that we wanted to sing at his funeral, one in Spanish and one in English, and one was in English. It's sovereign over us. And then we sang the goodness of God. Now, at the time I could not sing those songs. I just couldn't get the words out because it still felt like God wasn't good. But I knew in my heart this is the truth and I have to stay in this truth, because when you see God's goodness play out in your life and you just see everything come together, even in an ugly, difficult circumstance, there's no other way to say but that's God and he's just so good.

Austin Gardner:

Amazing story lady. I am blessed to know you and blessed to see how God has worked in your life. Can we reiterate God didn't do it to you Is that what you said you realize that.

Bridgette Young:

Yes, God allows things to happen in our life but, like the Bible said, he doesn't wish evil on us. He's not, you know, planning evil things to happen to his children. But he does allow things in our life to to grow us, to strengthen us, to strengthen our faith so that we can use this to help other people who walk through those things in the future. We'll never know exactly why, and that's okay. That's one thing we learned through Grief. Share was I always had the question why me?

Austin Gardner:

Why like this? You know why?

Bridgette Young:

did my child still have to be living? Why would God allow me to go through something so awful as this? And it seems like nobody else has ever gone through it or will talk about it with me. It's like why, why, why? And we learned. It's okay to ask why, but you have to stop and think. Okay, let's say God tells me why. Here's why I did it.

Bridgette Young:

Now, after you hear the why, has your circumstance changed? No, my children are still gone and I'm still left to deal with the grief and to deal with the reality that I'm in. So the learning, the why, really doesn't help us, and sometimes it can make it worse. So, instead of wanting to know the why, we need to say okay, God, I don't understand why, but I know that you allowed this, that you're not doing this to me out of spite, or because you're cruel, or because you just want to. You've allowed things to happen so that they can be used for great and mighty things.

Bridgette Young:

The verse Jeremiah 33, I used as my. You know people would say oh, I have a life. Verse All through high school and in my first years of marriage. I would say, oh, I have a life. Verse All through high school and in my first years of marriage I would say, oh, this is my life verse. But I always had a wrong interpretation of that verse Call upon me and I will show the great, mighty things which God knows not. And so I always thought, oh, I'll call on him and he'll answer, and it will be a great positive thing in my favor.

Bridgette Young:

But I've since learned that I can call on him and he's going to answer, and even if it's an answer that breaks my heart, I can look back and see great, mighty things that only God can do through that circumstance.

Austin Gardner:

And God has brought you through and he's still bringing you through and it's not going to be. I don't know when you ever totally get over these things, but God's made you into a warrior for him to help others, and I am blessed by that. Do you think we could share, maybe in the comment section, how they could get in touch with one of your counselors? If somebody there may be, a lady that'll listen and she would say I want to talk to Bridget, I want to talk to one of those therapists, you think it'd be all right if we shared that?

Bridgette Young:

Yeah, absolutely.

Austin Gardner:

Well, you can send that to me later and then we'll share links to your e-book and your paper book. I'm locked up again, but we'll, we'll share, we'll share, um, uh, we'll share the books, we will share the links to the books and we will ask the lord to use that to, uh, help you, uh, you know, help people. I mean, that's the reason you wrote the book. She didn't become an author to get rich and famous. She became an author to share what God did in her life with you as you listen, and also, bridget, if it's okay, I'd like to check back with you in a couple of months, do another podcast and have you tell, because I imagine is the Lord still working.

Bridgette Young:

Oh, absolutely.

Austin Gardner:

Yeah, and so we'll. We'll hear more, and uh uh, you can share some more about what God's doing. I hope you've enjoyed it. Would you like to say any further thing before I close?

Bridgette Young:

No, just thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.

Austin Gardner:

Well, I am honored. Uh, you are the blessing to me and I thank you for it. And this is World Evangelism Podcast. This is a special edition, our third with Ms Bridget Young, and I hope to find other people like her that can help you. We might even talk to her counselors or something sometime. Maybe we can interview and them. But I thank you for listening and I hope you will share this and like it. Uh, pray for Bridget, uh pray for her. Uh pray for moms that can't have children, that can't have them anymore, that have lost children moms. People are suffering, people are hurting and they need love and they need help. They don't need criticism. They don't need to be told they should have had more faith. Don't let me tell what's wrong with them. They need to be loved and listened to. So I challenge you to just love and thank you for all that you are doing. Each of you share this podcast and God bless you.

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