From Diotrephes To Jesus: Escaping Church Boss Syndrome

Power can look polished, prayerful, and even generous—until you notice every decision was made before the meeting. We take a hard look at church boss syndrome through the story of Diotrephes in 3 John and ask a pressing question: who really leads, the Spirit or the strongest personality? Drawing from pastoral experience, we reveal how quiet control grows: backchannel conversations, “concerned” phone calls, strategic lunches, and gifts that feel like blessings but function as leverage.

We unpack why control often springs from insecurity and how identity in Christ frees leaders from needing the spotlight. Then we contrast two paths: the boss who drives outcomes in the dark and the shepherd who empowers people in the light. Using 1 Peter 5 as our guide, we outline practical guardrails for healthy authority—transparent decision-making, shared leadership, documented processes, and financial policies that prevent any one giver from owning the ministry. We also name the subtle signals of manipulation: outcomes pre-set by a few, pressure on pastors to “fall in line,” and piety used to defend a seat at the table rather than to seek truth.

This conversation equips pastors, elders, deacons, and faithful members to protect the flock without becoming combative. You’ll learn how to address leverage with clarity, replace obligation with gratitude, and keep the mission central when personalities try to take the wheel. The bottom line is simple and non-negotiable: the church belongs to Christ. Authority is stewardship, not possession, and you cannot build the house of Jesus with the tools of control.

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Transcript

Naming Church Boss Syndrome

Austin Gardner 0:27

Well, I want to talk to you today about the church boss syndrome, diatrophies versus Jesus. I want you to see that the desire for control is the fastest way to kill a ministry. We've all seen it. A church where everyone walks on eggshells, a ministry where one person's opinion is the only one that matters. We call it strong leadership, but the Bible calls it something else. Today we're going to talk about the Diatrophes syndrome, when a leader tries to own what only belongs to God. The Bible says in 3 John 9 and 10, I wrote unto the church, but Diatrophes, who loves to have the preeminence among them, received us not. Wherefore if I come, I will remember his deeds which he doth, pratting up against us with malicious words, and not content therewith, neither doth he himself receive the brethren, and forbids them that would, and casts them out of the church. You notice that phrase, he loves to have the preeminence. Control is always the child of insecurity. When a leader doesn't know their identity in Christ, when they aren't satisfied in the Father's love, they have to find their worth by being the boss. They have to run the show. If they aren't in charge, they feel invisible. You know, there's two terms we might look at here patron, the boss. He has control. And a shepherd, he empowers. A boss drives people. A leader from the table of the Lord's Supper we talked about draws people. I have been a part of ministry when one person as the pastor, but I knew I had to be careful. So how do we handle a church boss? Or you could call him a bully. As pastors, we are first Peter 5 2 to feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly, not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind. Neither is being lords over God's heritage, but being in samples to the flock. These are golden handcuffs. He's not being an example. I once heard John Maxwell make the comment that he had a man in his church that took him out to eat and paid for the meals. And uh one day he decided that uh God was leading him to another ministry. And the second he did, when he mentioned it to this man he thought was his friend, the guy said, I can't believe you're gonna do that after all we've done for you. I had a man in my church. I noticed that. I heard John Maxwell say that, and I've decided I'd pay for some meals. And when he separated and broke our friendship and told me he was breaking our friendship, his comment was, I noticed there was something wrong when you started buying your meals. So every church has one. You know the type. The man or the family who quietly pulls a string, not loud, not flashy, but everyone knows. If he doesn't like it, it probably won't happen. Maybe he'll pick out the land where the church is going to be without even the pastor. Maybe he'll have meetings and get the deacons and others to agree and then offer it to the pastor as almost like we're gonna do it with or without you. Here's the thing, on the outside, he looks like the dream church member. He is generous and faithful. He's always there. Behind the scenes, he's steering the whole thing. Not leading in the light, but managing in the dark. And the sad part is most people don't even realize it. Some pastors learn it the hard way. You get voted in thinking you're there to lead, to preach, and shepherd God's people. But before long you find out who really runs things. It's not the Lord, it's not the spirit, it's old diatrophes. His name will be different, but that spirit, that hunger to control, to be first, to quietly dominate, is still alive and well. He just wants to make sure what's best happens and he knows what's best. The apostle John called it out. He said, I wrote in the church, but diatrophes who love to have the preeminence among them received us not. That one verse said it all, he loves to be number one, preeminent. He can't help it. He's got to be first. And if someone comes in, pastor, leader, missionary, that threatens that position, he'll find a way to shut him down. He's got to do something. He doesn't stand out right away. He's not the one that causes scenes in the meeting. He doesn't raise his voice. He's quiet. He doesn't have to raise his voice. He has influence, money, and knowledge of all the back channels. He meets with the men before the men's meetings. He calls people behind the pastor's back, and he uses his giving as leverage, and everyone feels it, even if no one says it out loud. He might be a deacon, an elder, or just the guy who's been there the longest, but somewhere along the way the church stopped being led by the Spirit and started being managed by diatrophies. He never says I'm in charge. Fact is he'd say the opposite. He doesn't have to. Everyone knows, and it is so dangerous. A church that lets one man's influence override spiritual authorities in trouble. You may still have a pastor, but he's preaching on borrowed ground. Every decision goes through diatrophes first, quietly, informally, but always. And it doesn't usually come across as rebellion. Diatrophes talks like he cares. He speaks softly. He shares his concerns, and he quotes just the right amount of scripture, but deep down his concern is always about one thing control. He says he's protected the church, he's watching the doctrine, he's guarding the direction. It's not about spiritual health. It's about staying in power. He doesn't need applause, he just needs control. And the worst part, a lot of people think he's doing the right thing. John said, Beloved, follow not that which is evil, but that which is good. He that doeth good is of God. He that doeth evil hath not seen God. That verse doesn't give us a lot of wiggle room. If it's good, it's of God. If it's evil it isn't. Period. No amount of money, tradition, or good intentions makes manipulations okay. What happens when he takes over? Once Diotrephes gets his way, the church starts to shift slowly, quietly. Decisions are made before meetings even happen. Pastors are pressured to fall into line. People start whispering in corners, and those who push back, they don't last long. The church buys the land Diotrephes wants, builds a building he designed or approved, follows the plan he's already cleared with his friends. Everyone else is just catching up. He won't say it from the pulpit, but he'll say it at lunch. He'll say it during a call, and the message is clear. If you don't like that distraction, maybe this isn't the church for you. He doesn't raise his voice. He'll never have to. He's got a checkbook, and it talks. Without meaning to, the church looks to him instead of the pastor, instead of Christ, and little by little the spirit stops leading. If you let someone pay for everything, you put yourself in a position of obligation. That's John Maxwell. It's not about just lunch, it's about leadership. It's about church. When one man pays for the building, funds and ministries, makes all of it happen, everyone has to walk on eggshells. No one wants to lose him, and slowly he is taken over. Silently the obligation becomes control. It doesn't feel like abuse. It feels like wisdom, like being careful, but if it's not the spirit, it's not freedom, it's fear. That's the kind of trick Dotrophys likes to do. It looks like a blessing. It looks like he's the kind of man every pastor would want. He says the right thing, prays the right way, gives faithfully. But his meekness is a mask. His quietness is a tactic. And if you watch closely, you'll see it every time he talks about the church. The issue is never really the mission. It's always about whether he still has a seat at the table. He uses John to He uses scripture to hold ground, not seek truth. He appeals to tradition to protect his place, not to glorify Christ. He doesn't want the spirit the spotlight. He just wants to call the shots. So John said we shouldn't play nice. He didn't recommend we keep peace. He said, I remember his deeds. Cut it out. Don't let it slide. Hand it over to hand over God's church for the sake of convenience. Beloved, follow not that which is evil. There's no middle ground. You either follow what's good or you follow what's evil. So here's some lessons. The church belongs to Christ, no one else. Leadership is about service, not control. Spiritual authority comes from God, not influence. If you stay silent in the face of manipulation, you're allowing it. A healthy church doesn't run well, it walks humbly, listens to the Spirit, and resists old diatrophies. Diotrephies thought he was doing the right thing. He probably had a people that agreed with him, but it doesn't matter how good the outcome looks if the method is wicked. You cannot build the church of Jesus Christ using the tools of the enemy. Pastors, deacons, men of the church, be wise. Don't sell your soul just to avoid conflict. Don't allow diatrophies to keep the peace. Better face the storm and lose the whole than lose the whole church. Christ is ahead. No man can take his place. Don't follow evil. I love you, but I've dealt with diatrophies and I hate it, and everybody else does, and I challenge you to be very careful.