Breaking the Cycle: Lies, Bitterness, and the "I AM"Untitled Episode

"Our God is I AM... and the I AM lives today and helps you right where you are."

Pastor Ricky Howard joins Austin Gardner for the second installment of his incredible journey from trauma to trust. In this episode, Ricky gets honest about the anger and bitterness that grew from his past and how it began to poison his relationships.

We often hold onto our pain so long that it starts to feel like our name. Austin and Ricky explore how to let go of that false identity and embrace a restoration that is only possible through unconditional mercy.

Highlights include:

• Identifying the "Lies" that keep us in bondage.
• The story of how Ricky met his wife, April, and the grace that built their home.
• Moving from "who I was" to who God says "I AM."
• A message for those who feel they have held onto their pain for too long.

If you are exhausted from trying to "fix" your past, listen in. There is a path to peace that doesn’t depend on your performance, but on His goodness.

Links Mentioned:

• Alignment Ministries: https://alignmentministries.com
• Followed by Mercy Hub: https://waustingardner.com

Thanks for listening. Find us on YouTube, Substack, Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

Transcript

Childhood Lies And Protector Mindset

Austin Gardner 0:27

Welcome back to Followed by Mercy, Pastor Ricky Howard telling us a story of how God's grace has done so much in his life. So, Brother Howard, I am so glad to be back with you. And but what I'd like to start with today is what lies did you start believing about who you were back in those days?

Anger Soundtrack And Private Release

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Man, you know, at a at a young age. Now, again, there's there's some things I don't remember if we talked about the first time or not, but uh I can I can easily go into a lot of lies. You know, I put on a portrayal as best I could. You know, you never want anybody to think, you know, when you're when you're in school, you're a kid, you never want to be labeled the poor kid, the smelly kid. You know, you don't want those labels. But I I can remember, you know, early on, I knew that we didn't have much. I knew we didn't have a lot. And so, you know, I did everything I could to portray um that we had what other people had, you know. But the lies that that I believed were, you know, it was it was the simple lies. You one of the probably one of the the scary lies that I believe, well, and it probably wasn't a lie, honestly, but probably from nine years old up until I left home. Every time I left home, I wondered, are my grandparents gonna be alive when I get back? Am I gonna get a called to the school office or, you know, come back to find one of my grandparents have passed? A parent overdosed. Is somebody, is somebody gonna, you know, is somebody gonna come in and bust my granddaddy? You know, or is my granddaddy gonna get busted while I'm gone? And I always thought, you know, I have to be here. I gotta be here. I grew up thinking probably one of the biggest lies I had in my head as a young one, as a, as when I was young, was I had to be around as much as possible to protect my granddaddy, to protect my brothers, to protect my grandmother. I had to be there to protect my mom, even in some in some cases. And so I thought my most of my life, I thought if I'm not there to protect those, who's going to be? And so I thought I had to be the protector. But beyond that, you know, of course, going on in life, and the more you get around other people, other things, and all this. I can remember uh uh an argument I had with my mom one time, and I'll I'll just say, you know, it was just a a disagreement. My mom told me that I was going to be, and let me preface this, uh there's nothing wrong with working at Mohawk. There's nothing that in North Georgia, that I mean, you get a you get a career Mohawk or Shaw or something like that, that's great. But my mom told me at a I was probably 13, 14 years old, she said, you're never gonna be anything but a miserable carpet mill worker your whole life with a woman that with a wife that hates you and probably leaves you and all the, you know, all this. And so I kind of let that sink in. And even when I did go work in the carpet mill, I always knew I'm getting out of here as soon as possible. But I I had this lie in my head, you're always gonna be the lower level, you're always gonna be poor, you're never gonna have those things other people have. You know, I I can remember I I had two pairs of pants and three shirts that I would cycle through. And and I thought just the other day I walked in my closet. Not again, I I can't remember if I feel like we've already talked about this, but the other the other day I walked in my closet. I got more suits in my closet now than I had outfits growing up. Like I I have it's ridiculous. I've got more, I've got more hoodies than I had outfits. It's it's ridiculous how blessed we are. But it's one of those things I just I always thought you're never gonna have anything. Anything you do have, it's gonna be minimal, it's gonna be this. But the biggest, I think, honestly, and I spoke about this just a minute ago or in the last episode. The biggest lie I probably fell for was that if God really loved you, you would have a dad. You would have a dad that loves you.

Austin Gardner 4:51

That was probably the biggest lie I fell for. What did anger or hurt look like inside of you?

How Anger Shaped Relationships

SPEAKER_01 5:01

I I tell my kids now to be careful what music you listen to. Because I grew up I grew up in the 90s, early 2000s, and my anger I I didn't release my anger on people much. I wasn't one that went out looking for a fight. I mean, there there were times where, you know, we would we would always we'd always say, I just want to punch somebody. I never really went out looking for that. I never went out looking for fights. I never went out looking for to get in trouble like that, anything like that. Man, I'm t music. I used to listen to I I hear it today. For some reason, uh they're they're calling the music I grew up on classic, and that's ridiculous. It's not. I'm not that old. But uh yeah, I hear that stuff today. I hear people listen to it today, and I I it just makes me remember. I I think why I listened to that because it they they were saying what I felt. That they were expressing what I felt. They wanted to, they wanted to beat the tar out of some drums. They wanted to play a guitar so so hard that the strings were about to pop. They wanted to scream into a microphone. That's what I wanted to do. I just didn't have the guts to do it. That makes sense. Yeah. And so my my anger, and this is probably some of the worst stuff I ever did. I used to go to sleep with some of the, and and some people, some people like to go to sleep with, you know, easy music or nature sounds. I love nature sounds. I can I could go to sleep. If you put on a rainstorm right now, because we never get them out here, I'd lay down and go to sleep on this desk while we're talking. But man, used when I was when I was younger, I'd put on some of that heavy metal screaming music and just close my eyes and just thank them for getting it out for me and go to sleep. It's so, it's weird to think about. But my anger was always, I I say this, I don't know if I displaced my anger. I don't know, I don't know what I did, but a lot of times I'd pick up a guitar and I'd just, I'd turn the amp up. My grandmother's room was right beside mine, and I probably tortured her. But I'd pick up a guitar, I'd turn the amplifier all the way up, and I would just, I mean, rip the cords. And that was that was anger release. You know, we we did all that. I never I never let my anger lead lead to drugs or anything like that, but and never, never into physical altercations, but it was always something something goofy. I say it like that. It was always just goofy stuff.

Austin Gardner 7:55

But and I don't know, I there's I didn't I didn't have that I didn't have that hardcore release of Did did that anger or bitterness ever show up and hurt your relationships or your s or decisions you made or come back to hurt you.

SPEAKER_01 8:15

Uh I think I think there's there's times where, you know, my anger in my younger years really, really furthered the gap between my mom and I. Um, you know, probably where we could have probably worked things out. My anger really pushed it even further apart, but hers was doing the same. It was like we were angry at the same time and we were driving that wedge together. And so we probably could have we probably could have found common ground on our anger, but we were so angry at each other. You know, my wife would probably tell you now that when we when we were first married, I had to learn how to love. You know, it it's it's one of those things like if you if you've never really been in a nurturing kind of love. I know men, let me say this. I know I know men don't like talking like nurturing kind of love, but there's a nurturing kind of love that men need and desire. A man needs to know a mom's love in order to know how to love their wife. I know this now. At 42 years old, I know that if you don't have the love of a mother, it's gonna be hard to know how to love your wife. And I know if you don't have a loving father, showing you how to love your love his how he loves his wife, your mom, it's gonna be difficult. And so it took a while, you know, when when animosity would come up in our marriage early on, I didn't know how to handle it. Uh, you know, I I never I never flew off the handle at my wife, but I said, I probably said things the wrong way. I didn't I didn't sacrificially love her. I didn't love her the way I ought to or I should have. And it took it took a few years into our marriage and the understanding of God's word of how I'm supposed to, I'm not just supposed to, you know, say I love you and go and make all the money I can. That was my thought was okay, this is my this is how I view, I can love you the best. I'll go out and make every dollar I can and spool you rotten. And you can have everything, whatever your dad gave you growing up, because you know, she had a decent home. Whatever your mom and dad gave you growing up, I'll I'll do it plus five. And so that was my way of showing love, but I didn't know how to communicate or talk.

Austin Gardner 10:46

Um but so w when did when would you say you felt like I can't keep living like this? And that's you know, the breaking point that leads you to Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

So we're going back to when I was saved. So I I think uh the I can't keep living like this was more of uh after I was saved. Um but uh because because when I when I was saved at 15, it wasn't uh my conviction was I can't keep living like this. It was I know if Jesus does come back, I'm I'm going to hell. That was that was my understanding. Um I I think you know after I was saved, um a few years, a few years after I was saved, I got my feelings hurt over it. It was a prideful thing that hurt my feelings. And having a unchurched family, uh, I let them, you know, I came home, I was mad, they did this, they did that, and they said, I told you, told you them church people ain't nothing but trouble. All they want is your money, and da-da-da. And so, you know, all that. And so I just said, you know what? I got saved, I got a Bible, I'm gonna go to work, and I'm just gonna do everything I can and make as much as I can. And that was my mindset. That was my mindset for years. My mindset for years was church people just want to hurt you. And that goes, that went to preachers and everything. And and and I just uh and they don't they don't really care about you. They just want you as a number. That was my that was my mentality that was that was fed to me, but also, you know, that was fed to me when I was about 17, uh really throughout my throughout my life going to church. But when I was 17, I let one little instance catch that and really drive it in. Does that make sense? Um so when I I walked away from I walked away from church when I was 17, and I I didn't go back faithfully until after April and I were married. I was probably I was 24 years old, I think. Let's see, this is 2008, so uh two thousand 2008, I was uh how old was I? I was born in 83, so 25, am I right? I think somewhere in there. Yeah, something like that. Uh about 25 years old before I ever really went back to church, faithfully. Um, and uh that was her dad. Her dad just, I was coming home just about every weekend from a job in Mississippi, and uh her dad just every time I was home on a weekend, you should come to church, you should come to church, you should come to church. And uh I finally said it was around December of 2008, and I said, I looked at April and I said, your dad keeps asking me to go to church, and I I really think we should. I I think I think we need to. And so loaded up and I I this is this is at a time where I've really started digging in and having conversations with my friends at at work on the road, and so I'm like, if I can talk about it in the truck, I need to be able to have it, be able to back up what I'm talking about. And so I started going to church with them, and uh two weeks in I find myself at the altar. Uh, just Lord, I I know I've been away. I know I'm your child, I know you love me, but and I know I've not lived the Christian life like you, like you would want me to. I re I remember it's December 2008. I asked the Lord if he would uh you know, and this is food, this is the unknowingly um uh, you know, you don't sometimes you don't know how to pray. But I can remember praying, I said, God, if you would forgive me if you'd have me back. If you'd have me back, here I am. And uh, and I shortly after I I joined that church, I knew I'd been saved, but I had never been baptized. And uh January of 2009, I was I was baptized there and there in church in Rydal, Georgia, Pleasant Oliver Baptist Church. And uh that was the first church I ever really joined. You know, the church I was saved in, as a bus kid and everything, I don't know, I don't know how people I don't know how people these days deal with it, but then I was told, I asked about baptism right after I was saved, and I was told, well, you know, your parents don't come to church, and we'd really like to see them come to church and see it really set in and and we could talk about it with them. And that was the whole baptism conversation I had then. So so I wasn't baptized early on, so I wasn't bad I I never got baptized until later on.

Austin Gardner 15:27

Well, uh you've mentioned April several times, and I know that she's been a wonderful wife and a great mom and all, but our vis our listeners don't know. So how did you meet her? When did you meet her? And what was the relationship?

April’s True Conversion And Calling

SPEAKER_01 15:43

So uh we joke around now, we say she saved my life. Um but it it's not that's not too far off. Um, you know, I was I was a fool, but uh before before really getting in a relationship with her. But we we met my senior year, her her freshman year is when we met. Um but we didn't start dating until later when she was 18. Uh, we started dating. And uh we I knew her brother. That's how she and I had a gym class together her freshman year, and I used to pick on her because I knew her brother. Um but um when when she was 18 we started dating and everything, it really started. I had a motorcycle wreck uh when I was 22 and uh uh 21. I I was 21, I guess. Anyway, uh however old I was, I had a motorcycle wreck really bad. I was, you know, I was going about 120 miles an hour on the back wheel and you know, trying to show out and uh, you know, ride wheelies and uh, you know, doing all that goofy stuff. You want to talk about God's mercy and grace. I think about that when the hairs stand up on my arms. Shouldn't have walked away from that. Um, you know, only thing I had protective on was a helmet, wearing shorts, where I was basically had a shirt on like this and uh come off the back of it. I came up too hard, one hand come off and the throttle hand pulled down on the throttle and it basically shot the bike out. I landed in a sitting position. It's the last thing I remember until I started rolling. In my roll, I kind of came to and I was like, something ain't right. This ain't what I'm supposed to be doing. And uh when I stopped rolling, I looked over and my bike was ghost riding down the road, so I jumped up and I took off running for my bike, and my friends are hollering at me, get down, get down. And so I just kind of deadfish flopped on the ground, like, what's wrong? What happened? You know, I didn't even know what happened. And uh they come over there and they're like, whatever you do, do not look at your hands or legs. And I'm like, are they there? And so I looked at my hands and I had no skin on my hands. And I I looked down at my leg and I thought my leg was torn off. My leg was so like shredded from the asphalt that I thought my leg was ripped off. And uh, I panicked. And but, you know, back though, back then, riding motorcycle, no motorcycle license, no insurance, nothing like that. They hid my bike in the woods. Somebody came and picked me up, took me to the hospital. It goes on from that. But they called April. She was at work, she worked at a restaurant there in uh Castle, Georgia, or White, Georgia, wherever it is. And uh, she tells the story now, and she's like, I had like 30 missed calls, and finally I went to the cooler and I was like, What do y'all want? And they're like, Ricky's had a bad motorcycle wreck. And she's like, What? And so she came to see me that night, and as I was recovering, I I had no use of my hands for like eight weeks. I couldn't, you know, there's so many things I couldn't do. She'd come over late in the evenings, you know, like five or so in the evening, and she'd always come over and I'd be sit I'd be laying there on this friend's couch and uh she'd feed me. And uh that I guess that was about the time I I really thought, man, this this girl's something special. Not that I didn't not that I didn't already have those thoughts about, you know, I already knew something special about her, but I was like, uh this girl's something else. And uh so that was, I think for both of us, that was when our that's when our hearts really came together, I guess you'd say. Was she already a believer? So she was raised in church, and we we joked today that April is the most secure person that we know. She has been double-dipped and sprinkled. She was raised in church at a as a young age. Her parents were for some reason going to uh the local Methodist church where we got married at, and uh, that's when she was a baby, and she was sprinkled as a baby. And then she grew up in a in a Baptist church that her great-grandfather started. It's actually the church that I joined, uh, you know, I was just talking about the first church I ever joined. Her great-grandfather started that church, and um she she made a profession of faith there at 12 years old, but she says now that that profession of faith she made was something she just felt like she's at that age, something she was supposed to do. She never really had an understanding, never really, really knew what she was doing. She just went up, shed a few tears, got up, everybody celebrated. And she lived with this false hope for years until 2016 revival meeting at Glade Baptist Church. And uh we we went on Sunday morning and Sunday evening, and uh I was working at a on a job in just outside of Knoxville, Tennessee. I wasn't the name of that town, but North City, Tennessee. And um, we wanted to get back all week. My boss was really nice about things, but for some reason, and you can tell the devil had his hand in it because you know, my boss was all like, oh yeah, you want to get to church, we'll let you out. You can leave about three o'clock every day. We're down here toward the end of the job. Every single day there was an emergency and I had to stay late and I couldn't go. Finally, April said on uh, I think it was Thursday or Friday or Thursday night, she said, I don't I don't care what's going on. They extended the meeting. It was supposed to end on Wednesday. A lot of people got saved that week. She said, Look, they've extended this meeting. I don't care what's going on. I'm leaving Thursday or Friday morning and I'm going to I'm going to church. And I said, You go and I'll be behind you as soon as I get off. Well, of course, I got off work at a decent time, got to the got to my camper, got ready for church, got on the interstate right there, and uh, as soon as I topped the hill, traffic was stopped. And I looked at my GPS and it told me I wouldn't get there till like 7.15, 7.30. So I called her and I said, Hey, I'm turning around in the median. I'm gonna go back to camper. I'll just watch live streaming tonight. But as I was watching that live stream, and I I never I heard my wife's testimony. She has told me, you know, I was saying 12 years old. I've heard that. That night I'm sitting at a sitting at the Little booth, the dinner booth in our camper. And I got I got my little iPad set up and I'm watching the live stream of the church service. And during the invitation, I see her stand up, and I don't know what it was about that moment. I didn't think she's going to pray for a certain situation. She's praying for somebody. I knew right then, without anybody saying a word, my wife just got saved. And so August, I can't remember the exact day. She can tell you the exact day, but August of 2016, my wife was born again. And I'll tell you, I'll tell you this, just a just a little bit of a add-on to that. I already knew at this point God was calling me in the ministry. I just knew I knew that God had something more for me to do. I just didn't know how I was going to do it with my job. But it wasn't my job that was holding me back. I knew that there was something that said, Ricky, you're not ready for the ministry. You're not ready to even prepare for ministry in the sense of, you know, saying anything about it. But that night, it was every roadblock that I felt was gone. I knew that everything was right and we were, we were ready. And I I remember calling my pastor uh that evening and he said, he said, brother, your wife just got born again. Now what? And I said, me and you got to do some talking. He said, I know. I know. And so uh, but we we talked about it for a few months after that, but that that's a whole different story. But you you want to talk about God's grace showing up. A religious, a religious girl, you say a religious girl if you want, or you know, raised in it and all that, it still, you know, took that understanding of the gospel for her too.

When Pain Becomes Part Of You

Austin Gardner 24:17

Amen. Well, I think that that's a wonderful thing about how the Lord brought y'all together and how you how she got saved and how he opens the door. How about one more question in this podcast and then we'll do another? Okay. Do you believe a person can hold on to their pain so long it starts to feel like a part of who they are?

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Yeah, definitely. And and you see it so much. I see it here with people here. And and you know, in this uh this little deconstruction of faith era we're in, of so many people uh come you know, leaving, leaving their faith and all that, I think we're seeing a lot of that. I held on to the pain of, you know, I felt like I was betrayed by all those who cared for me in my early teen years and, you know, brought me to the truth and brought, you know, led me to the Lord and all this. I thought, you have completely just let me down and it hurt. And I let the the hurt, which really looking back at it was foolish on my end. I should have been disciplined for, even though I didn't in the moment I didn't do anything wrong. But I did do something wrong where I didn't correct the wrong that was going on, if that makes sense. Uh I didn't I didn't do anything to stop the wrong that was going on. I was pretty much I I let it continue to go. And that's why I got disciplined for it, and I thought, well, you just, you know, that that hurt me because you knew I didn't do anything, you knew it wasn't me, but I wouldn't uh I wouldn't a I wasn't a rat. So but I I let that I let that kind of define who I was as far as a Christian. Oh, I'm a Christian, but I'm not one of those church Christians. Because that, you know, that's this is what they are. I'm not one of those churchy Christians. I'm I'm this kind. And you know, there there are I I can name different eras of hurt in my life that, yeah, I I probably I probably have uh some kind of hurt that defines me or I let define me for certain amounts of time. You know, I I probably went into the woe is me at some points about, you know, I ain't, you know, my dad's not around. My dad my dad, you know, my dad's died at 10 years old. When I when I was 10 years old, my dad passed away and I didn't have a dad and all this. I let that probably through my teen years kind of define a little sob story. I might have uh I probably wasn't 30 years old before I realized my dad was a dirt bag the whole time and didn't really care. I can I I'll be 100% honest with you, I was uh 14 years old. My dad died when I was 10, I was 14 years old, and I had my granddaddy uh go and sign for me to get his nickname tattooed on my arm. And my granddaddy did it, and and so at 30 years old, I can remember sitting in front of a mirror shaving, and I looked at this tattoo on my arm and I thought, and I I remember crying, and April's like, what are you doing? What's the matter? What's what are you okay? And I said, I have scarred my body for a man who didn't care a thing about me. I cared more about him when I was 14 years old and he's dead in the ground. I had more care for him and got his name tattooed on my arm than he ever cared about me in my in my 10 years of existence while he was alive. It's ridiculous. And so, you know, there might have been a little bit of uh, I didn't, but I never really let that define anything about me. You know, I was like, that was almost a freedom. Like, I don't I'd sit here and mourn. Like, wow, my dad, my dad's been dead 20 years, but I've not missed a thing. Because if he was alive for these 20 years, he'd have been off doing his own thing. That was a realization for me. It was a realization, probably, you know, knowing knowing him, knowing how he was, he I'd have been lucky if he'd have been alive, if he'd have made it to my wedding. And so, um, you know, I'm trying not to not not to run a lot of rabbits, but people can. It's so easy. I I see people here that I don't want to tell too much of uh somebody else's story. I'll leave this as vague as possible. But imagine a marriage where both people, this is I really I really don't know how to go about this. This is something we've dealt with here, right? Since being here, both people have done something wrong. And neither one of them, they they can't seem to reconcile the marriage, the relationship, because neither one can get over what the other did. Even though they both did the same thing. You know what I mean? And it's like you're you're letting this anger define your relationship. And neither all of this happened before you were saved. And you can't what you need to do, and what I've tried to tell them is you need to look at this was the old one, the old person. This was the old man. This was the old woman. The new man and the new woman hadn't done that. And so now you're holding anger for dead people. Yep, that's right. That would be that would be like me being mad at my dad right now. My dad's been dead for 32 years. He ain't done anything to affect my life today. He didn't do anything that affects me in this moment right now. So why would I be mad at him? Why would that define where where my anger, where my life is? If we hold on to things we can't, so many things we can't change, can't do anything about. And you and I were talking off camera a while ago, uh, and and I I use the analogy, you know, anger is the same way, but I use the analogy of a restaurant. If I walk into a restaurant and I see bugs crawling on the floor, I'm probably gonna leave and go somewhere else. I say probably, I'm leaving and going somewhere else. I'm not eating there, right? Now, in my life, if I don't like the situation I'm in, no matter how mad it makes me that I'm in it, I have two choices. I can stay in that situation or I can find a different situation. It's that it's that simple. But here's the thing. If we if we're always looking and trusting what we can do, that that was my was my thing. Probably I look back at my time working oil and gas and all of my time chasing money, chasing in the hours, the overtime and all that, every bit of that was anger for how I grew up. I grew up with nothing. It's all I refuse to be that way. I refuse to be that deadbeat that loses his job every six months. I I refuse to be that deadbeat that can't buy Christmas. I refuse to be that deadbeat that can't do this and can't be that can't do that. I'm gonna work as much as possible to make sure even when I can't, even when it looks like I can't, we'll we'll figure out a way to do it, right? And so maybe that that led to it, but that was all what I could do. What I've realized over the past 12 years, or even more, really, what what I've I'd say, yeah, probably about 12, 15 years, what I've realized is I can I can do a I can do a lot of things to change my situation, but if it's ever gonna be right, I gotta let God lead me into changing that situation. I gotta I gotta chase his will, not mine. Because I'm I'm gonna take my will, if I follow my will, it's always gonna be about the wallet. But if I chase his will, it's always gonna be right.

Final Encouragement And Share Request

Austin Gardner 32:14

Amen. It's gonna bring peace and joy. Yes, sir. The abundant life. Well, we're gonna have one more podcast for you, and we're gonna talk about how Brother Ricky overcame the past, left the past. He's not kept out in the past. He's only talking about his past to help you. Because when you're with him, that's not what he's gonna talk about. You talk about Jesus, talk about what he's doing now. He lives now, today. And our God is I am. I am is his name. I am that I am. And uh the I am lives today and helps you right where you are. And this man is pastoring a church, married a wonderful, wonderful wife, two wonderful children. Not really children, kind of young adults. One son is already working full-time, just about, and going to school. So I'm just telling you, God is good. And I don't care where you are, and I don't care what's going wrong in your life, Brother Ricky Howard can tell you God can take care of you, and God can get you through that. So I want you to be with us tomorrow, and we'll bring back. We've been on 30 minute sessions, 40 minute sessions. And so I hope that it's been a blessing to you, and we'll look forward to hearing from you. If you're enjoying it at all, share it with somebody, give it a like, and uh tell somebody about it. We appreciate it. See you tomorrow.