Trauma, Shame, and the Truth About Being God's Beloved

Why do we feel like we have to "perform" to be loved by God? In this third part of our series, I’m joined by my cousin Mike Pennington to tackle the heavy weights of trauma and shame.

Mike opens up about his own childhood trauma and how it created a cycle of shame that took years to break. We discuss why shame is a "slap in the face to God's grace" and how to return to the reality that you are already 100% attached to Him—not because of what you’ve done, but because of who He is.

In this episode, we cover:

• The "LOTSA" framework for a simple Christian life: Love, Obey, Trust, Seek, Adore.
• The three questions God asks us in our mess: Where are you? Who are you listening to? What are you hungry for?
• How to stop "auditioning" for God and start abiding in Him.
• Why your past trauma does not define your standing with the Father.

"You can't do anything to make Him love you more, and you can't do anything to make Him love you less."

Connect with us:

• Website: waustingardner.com
• Join the community: W. Austin Gardner on Substack

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Austin Gardner, Mike Pennington, Followed by Mercy, Overcoming Shame, Healing from Trauma, Christian Identity, Grace vs Performance, Biblical Counseling, Abiding in Christ, John 17:23, Romans 8, Inner Healing, Spiritual Growth.

Thanks for listening. Find us on YouTube, Substack, Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

Transcript

Welcome And The Beloved Theme

Austin Gardner 0:00

Welcome to Followed by Mercy. This is the third in a series with my cousin Mike Pennington. And boy, has God been teaching me and growing me, and I think he'll help you. We are the beloved of God. He loves us. John 17, 23, like he loves Jesus. You know what's so beautiful is he told Jesus that after 30 years of being a carpenter, not a preacher, not in full-time ministry. 30 years of being a carpenter, and he loved him, and he was his beloved, and he was well pleased. And he looks at you and says, You don't have to do anything for me to love you. I love you. You know what that? Here's the key factor. God is love. Now we're here, followed by mercy, pursued by mercy. And that is that God, I mean, here's the truth. We got the Lord as our shepherd in front of us. We got goodness and mercy behind us. We got the Holy Spirit in us. We're in him. He's in us. Man, it's one big ball of God loving us. And so I am excited. And Mike, when we get started, why don't you mention your website and so on? He's going to talk to us today about trauma and shame. And I think it's going to help me. And so I'm looking forward to it. Go ahead, Mike.

Mike Pennington 1:24

Well, thanks, Austin. Thank you for those kind words. And again, it's an honor to be here and to be able to share these things because these are transformative truths. God is not looking for conformity. He's not looking for performance. He's not looking for activity. There's some activities that we do. We pray, we go to church, and we serve in the church. But those are not the things that uh that make us beloved. We are beloved because we know him and he loves us. And then we serve as an overflow out of that relationship. And there is just a huge, huge difference to that. And you alluded to this uh just a moment ago. We love him because he first loved us. And that is that's what belovedness is all about. And I look at Jesus, he doesn't come at me with condemnation. In fact, the scripture says that there is therefore now no condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus. Romans 5, 1, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God. The war with God is over, and we have access into his presence. And it goes on to say that we even rejoice in suffering because it's making us, it's growing us. And so uh so anyway,

God Loves You Without Performance

Mike Pennington 2:45

thank you so much for the privilege of being here. And yeah, let's talk a little bit. The last time we were together, uh, I mentioned four enemies of belovedness, that God loves us completely, but self-rejection, and we might be rejecting ourselves for any number of reasons, but performance, perfectionism, and shame are four incredible enemies of belovedness that wants to pull us down and pull us away from God. And so I went through some traumas when I was uh was young. One happened at about age five. It was a shame event, and unfortunately, I remember it like it was yesterday. Now I have forgiven, and that has been has been healed. But it really scarred me, and it really, I think, opened the door for me living a dual life that I lived for for many, many years, and I'll may unpack that a little bit more. But self-rejection can and shame both can come from trauma, traumatic events. I had that traumatic event of the of shame, and then I was fearful of my father because he was a very angry person, and then anger entered

The Enemies Of Belovedness

Mike Pennington 3:55

my life, and so that's kind of hitting a triple, but it's the bad kind of triple where you fear, shame, and trauma and anger were so major in my life. So trauma is one of those things that has been studied more and more by psychologists and a big word in psychology these days, and I'm not going to talk about psychology much, but it's the word attachment. Austin, how attached are you to God today?

Austin Gardner 4:28

I think I'm 100% attached. Okay, good. And that is what I hope.

Mike Pennington 4:33

In me, and I'm in him, and he's in me. That's right. That's right. Now, now, did you earn that? No, I did not. Did you deserve that?

Austin Gardner 4:41

I don't deserve it, even now.

Mike Pennington 4:43

Could you purchase that?

Austin Gardner 4:44

No, I couldn't.

Mike Pennington 4:45

It's based on what?

Austin Gardner 4:46

Based on God loving me, God seeking me, God doing it all.

Mike Pennington 4:50

It's based on relationship, not performance. Amen. And so that's who we are. We are in Christ, and He is in us. Um, we'll talk back about those other topics, but I just got to say this right now. I, my younger brother Mark, who's more your age, I'm four years older than um uh than him, so I'm ancient. Uh I'm turning 75 in 10, wow, seven days, uh May 25th. So so anyway, hopefully I'm still a young 75. But um, Mark has always said that we have overcomplicated the Christian life, and I think he is right in that, that he's come up with some little ditties, and so I'll give him credit for them. He said that God wants lots of Christians, and L-O-T-SA, lots of. And I thought, okay, what's a lotza Christian? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength. The O stands for obey him. There's certain things that he wants us to obey, but coming to him is the major thing. Love him, obey him. L O T is trust him. L-O-T-SA. And I just thought, well, that stands for serve. And he said, no, doesn't stand for serve. Serving

Trauma Shame And Attachment

Mike Pennington 6:05

comes out of loving, obeying, and trusting. The S stands for seek. Seek him, come unto him, love him. And the A at the end is simply adore him. That's a good sermon there, brother. You can you can use that whatever you want to. Love, obey, trust, seek, and adore. That's that's simplifying the Christian life. Well, I want to simplify it even further. Um I am thinking that in my Christian life and my sense of belovedness and my walk with the Lord and the preaching that I do and the teaching that I do, and I do lead two life groups and a men's group, and we led a marriage group. So we're highly involved. I still have activity, but it's not activity that is exhausting. The exhausted life is not the abundant life, it's life-giving because I'm giving out of that place of that place of abundance. But it is, I'm trying to get back to that one thing. What God has been teaching me most recently is that everything comes down to my connectedness with him. We talked last podcast about the Garden of Eden, and when God approached Adam and Eve, he asked three questions before he ever said, What have you done? He said, Where are you? Who are you listening to? And what are you hungry for? Or where has your hunger taken you? Those were the three, and those were questions of curiosity and relationship. God knew the connection had been broken. Adam, where are you? We didn't walk in the cool of the day today. What happened, man? Let's and uh, but fear and shame had taken over Adam and Eve's life. Wow. And then he covered them with the uh animal skins, showing them, and I think it had to be a lamb. I'm just convinced that foreshadowing the Lamb of God who would take away the sins of the world. Just uh just just stunning. But connectedness. And connectedness is most beautifully described in John 15. If

Abiding And Simple Connectedness

Mike Pennington 8:20

you abide in me, and my words abide in you, you will ask what you will, and it shall be done. But back in verse 5, that's the one I used that I meant to be quoting, that abide in me and I in you, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Austin Gardner 8:36

That's right.

Mike Pennington 8:37

Abiding means vitally connected to. It means plugged in. Uh, I can turn this light on, but if it's not plugged in, there's no power there. And so I'm convinced that everything boils down to am I connected with God? That's why I asked you a minute ago. Are you connected to God? And you said, I think 100%. And that is absolutely true. But there's so many people that feel like God is distant, or feel like that God is mad at them, or feel like that God expects something out of them. Uh, I have a person that I do spiritual direction with, and he comes from a different denominational background, and he will still say, you know, I just still feel like there's something else I've got to do. And I keep trying to assure him that Jesus paid it all, that he is the one, he has done everything that um needs to be done. And so this is not about trauma and shame as we first started, but I thought it was important to just emphasize that belovedness, knowing I am beloved, keeps me connected to God, helped me to realize that God is not mad at me. And as I said earlier in another podcast, that I believe God is smiling at me today. Because I'm perfect, no, but because I'm His. And I'm listening. Now, I don't have to listen. I'm still beloved if I'm kind of distracted or whatever. But God loves me. And it's that connectedness to Him that is the most important thing. And Jesus essentially said that love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and then let that overflow to your neighbor. And who is my neighbor? It's whoever God puts in front of me. And so that especially applies to my wife and to my kids, my grandkids, my neighbors, whoever I'm around. And so I'm gonna love him. If I'm connected to him, then I'll have something to overflow. That's um uh that that's the important thing. So, okay, we were talking about self-rejection and shame being connected to trauma. So many people are rejecting themselves because of a trauma that they experienced, and somehow we have this innate ability to take responsibility for stuff that's not our responsibility. A uh child is abused and think, well, if I was a better kid, my daddy wouldn't have hit me. It's amazing how

Releasing Shame That Is Not Yours

Mike Pennington 11:05

many people think that stuff that happened to them was there. I was able to release my shame because of two or three things. And I'm not formulaic. I don't say one, two, three necessarily, but the first thing that I began that that I had to understand is that my shame was not my fault, and that God loved me in spite of my the rejection that I had received and the abuse and the bullying and all of these things. God loved me, and so I was able to lay it down. Now, does it stay laid down? No. Those memories, those things that they can fade. The longer I walk in this beloved relationship with God, the less hold shame has on me. But it it is still there. I I can just a memory or a thought, sometimes a smell, sometimes a billboard or or some a word that someone says. And it's not directed at me necessarily, but it directs me back to a memory of shame or of failure. And I I've at a crossroads. Do I let shame wash over me again or do I say no? And I'm learning to say no to that shame. Because, Austin, does God want me living in shame?

Austin Gardner 12:27

No, sir. Why not? Because he's paid for it all. He took it all on himself.

Mike Pennington 12:33

Absolutely. He paid it all, he took it all on himself. By his stripes we are healed. He was abused for our transgressions. Uh he took it, took it all. And so, brother or sister, if you're listening to this today and shameful things, you've seen shameful things, you've done shameful things, but more importantly, maybe shameful things were done to you. That was not your fault, and your heavenly father can wash that clean. But it's got its hooks in you, and you need to be willing to let it go and just repeat over and over those verses that there is now, therefore, now no condemnation in Christ Jesus. That I, the war with God is over. I'm justified by faith that that even while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. We've got to get rid of those shameful memories and put in those positive spiritual truths. And to me, that's the one of the biggest things that I have to, that I have to do. I told Austin earlier in another podcast that I could quote scripture on many topics and many, many things that I have memorized, but the most important ones that I know is just God so loved the world, he loved me, that he gave his only begotten son, that if I would believe in him, I would not perish, but have everlasting life. And as we've said before, eternal life is not a thing, it's not an it, it's a person. The living Lord Jesus Christ, who is eternal life, he lives in me. And if you know Jesus, he lives in you. So don't stay bound up by shame. Don't um uh don't don't let that defeat you because it's one of the enemy's great tools, is making us feel dirty, worthless, undeserving. Realize that he took our traumas, and I'm not belittling anything that might have happened in your life or happened in my life. But what I do know is this is that the love of God can be victorious over that, and I pray that you'll let it.

Austin Gardner 14:42

Now, if you're listening, here's what Mike is saying to you again and again and again. Think what it was it, Mike, you said that Jesus said, Who's been who's been talking to you?

Mike Pennington 14:55

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Austin Gardner 14:55

And say what happens is you're talking to you and the devil's talking to you, or you can listen to God talking to you. And so when Mike said, I'm justified, that's not Mike talking. And that's not the devil talking, that's God talking. And so that's what you want to do. But Mike, I I I gotta come at you with a question. Mm-hmm. Because I have a friend I know that's gonna listen. And he's gonna say, You don't know the junk that's happened. My marriage is destroyed, I haven't talked to my kids in years. I am treated like a scum, the world hates me, and

When You Say You Cannot Heal

Austin Gardner 15:30

and I can't get over it.

Mike Pennington 15:32

So help him. To say I can't get over it, I'm gonna be painfully blunt here, is a slap in the face to God. God says, I love you, I forgive you, and I will restore you. And so I would encourage you not to use the word can't. My daddy used to say can't never could do nothing. And I bet Austin's dad probably said the same thing to him on the farm. And so it's either I won't or I haven't learned to. There are ways of um uh uh of moving back close, uh close to God. And I think the first thing that that I have to do, and I would encourage you to do, is just say, help, Lord, help, Lord. I I don't know what to do. I've been such a failure, or all these failure things have happened to me. I I I don't know all the circumstances, but I do know that God can restore, he will restore, but it takes time. It takes doing the um uh some of the work that we've that we've talked about, instead of rejecting yourself and thinking of what a failure you are, realize that you have a perfect Christ living within you. And he wants to form his life in you and live his life through you, instead of thinking about how performance has not been what it what it should have been, and we're for sure not perfect. But see, all of those things lead us down into that shame pool is that I am broken and I'm beyond repair. You don't know my whole story, and I'm not gonna share it on this podcast. The whole world doesn't need to know the whole story, but I know what I have done, and I know the people that I have failed, and I know the woundedness that I have caused in my children and um uh and in my wife and in other people's lives. And uh God did not toss me out on the on the junk heap of history. He, as the hound of heaven, he, as Austin's website says, followed by mercy, pursued by mercy, aggressively pursued by mercy, because every child of God is valuable and he loves you with an everlasting love. He created you for himself, and he knows your name, your precious. So my that would be my encouragement to you that it's not too late. Don't give up hope, but listen to him when he says, Where are you? Be honest about that. Listen to him when he says, Who are you listening to besides me? It sounds like a bunch of ideas are in your bouncing around your brain that d don't line up with my with my truth. And where's your hunger taking you? Be hungry for me. That that's what I would say. And and just be encouraged. God loves you, God loves you, God loves you. Uh He loves you just like He loves Jesus, and that's astounding.

Austin Gardner 18:44

And by the way, He loves you just like you are.

Mike Pennington 18:46

Yes.

Austin Gardner 18:47

I think you need to understand you can't do anything to make Him love you more, and you can't do anything to make Him love you less. Love you less. And so if you're listening, you need to know this. He loves you because God is love. God is love. And you know, there are three things I use to look at the Bible or anything anymore. God is love and God is good. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good, he is good. And then the third thing is I don't look at anything now without saying, I'm looking at that through the filter of Jesus. Yes. You want to know how God is. Jesus said, You want to know my father? Look at me, because you're sending the father. Because Jesus and God are one, and the Holy Spirit, one. They're three distinct people, but they're totally one. So anyway, I man, that's been good, Mike. Now, I don't know if what we ought to do tomorrow. So here's a teaser so you can fix it. Uh maybe uh do we want to go to soul care? Because maybe we ought to learn how to do soul care. Is that a good idea?

Mike Pennington 19:47

I would think so, because all of these principles of belovedness, it's the bedrock of a healthy soul. And so, what are some practices? What are some things? It's not work. I'm not uh gonna be laying any burdens on you, but what what are some ways of focusing myself and my life upon

God Is Love And Soul Care Teaser

Mike Pennington 20:05

the Father that will um uh that will help me as I want to grow in this beloved love that God has given us? And so, what does that mean in practical terms? How can I work that out and live that in my life?

Austin Gardner 20:19

Well, Lord willing, you heard it tomorrow. You get to hear some. I'm looking forward to that. I'm look I I know what I do now, but I think I can always learn more. I want to know. And here's what I want you to understand. You know, in John 17, 23, he loves us like he loves the Son. But in John 17, 3, eternal life is to know God the Father and Jesus. And that word know is intimacy. Yes. It's the same, it's kind of the same word that's used when it talks about man and wife relationship, intimacy. And so, I mean, it's like God wants to know you in the depths because he loves you. And don't you let anybody tell you different. Anybody tells you different, they're lying about how God loves you right now. So I can't wait to talk with you tomorrow. Looking forward to sharing with you. Well, really, I'm looking forward to letting Mike teach us all how to do soul care. See you tomorrow. God bless you.