The Garden of Your Heart | Psalms 23

In this conversation, Belinda and Jennifer discuss various personal experiences, focusing on the impact of intrusive thoughts and how they shape relationships. They explore the origins of these thoughts, the importance of community, and the healing power of scripture. The metaphor of gardening is used to illustrate the need to tend to one's heart and mind, pulling out negative thoughts like weeds. The conversation emphasizes the significance of faith and support in overcoming challenges and finding peace.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 1:26

Hey Jen.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

Belinda. How are you? I am good. Having a relaxing day out of the wind. So windy.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

So windy. Yeah. And I have my my family all went out of town to different places. And they're traveling home today. So I'm like, guys, be careful. One like Chris and Bress are four hours away, Ry's two hours away. And so they're all gonna be in this windy, windy weather.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

Yeah. I think y'all be careful. I am kind of in the same boat. Cooper's six hours away, and we'll come home. And Tyler's hour and a half away. And he's deciding, do I come home or do I wait till tomorrow? Right, yeah. So nobody wants to travel 60 mile an hour wind gusts.

SPEAKER_01 2:22

No, and there's supposed to be like a a a dust storm also south of here. So not good weather to travel in.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

Nope. And I just heard from Tyler and there's a fire, um, a grass fire. So yeah. That's not what we needed today.

SPEAKER_03 2:44

No, it's not. Nope, so just staying inside. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Lord, calm the wind, please.

SPEAKER_03 2:52

Put out the tires. Yeah. I agree. Well, did you have a good weekend?

SPEAKER_02 3:00

I yeah, I do. I just well, I say yeah, I got a sick kiddo. Yeah. Oh yeah, how's she feeling? Today she woke up and she said, I feel great. Oh good. So I think I think it might be over. Oh good. And my dog is bringing in sticks to chew on. Um, how has your weekend been since you've been alone and it was good, it really was good.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

I did um I did some things around the house yesterday, and um, of course, my dog is always on high alert when everyone's gone, which is not, which is good, but also not good whenever he decides to go to the side of our house and start barking at three in the morning. And wakes me up. And so um, other than that, other than just like not being able to fully rest, um, but not other than that, it was great. I had a good time.

SPEAKER_02 4:02

So got to have some girl time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's fun. We were kind of hoping to do that too, but then she got sick, so we just did nothing instead. It gave me time to read and to work on on this podcast. And yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Oh, and I watched the new season of Virgin River. I'm working all that too. My gosh. So good. And of course, they left it on such a good cliffhanger. I was like, no, yeah, they did.

SPEAKER_02 4:35

Oh I think I'm on episode four. I think I just finished four.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Oh, okay. Of the new season?

SPEAKER_02 4:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:43

Yes, okay, yes, yeah. It's so good. So good.

SPEAKER_02 4:47

Yes, I like that show.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Me too. All right. So, um, you want to start us off with a praise?

SPEAKER_02 4:53

I sure will. Okay. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day and thank you for your many blessings. Lord, we just come to you today with a request that you would put out these fires that are starting and Lord, calm the wind to be with all of our family as they drive home today. Lord, keep them on the road and keep them safe. Lord, we just um we just ask that this podcast would reach the people that it needs to reach, that it would encourage them, and that we would speak your words and your will. Lord, um, just be with us and guide us and give us strength. And it's in your mighty name we pray. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

Amen. All right, so we're reading the book, Don't Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table. So, what did you think of that first chapter?

SPEAKER_02 6:05

I thought it was good. It it hit home and a lot of a lot of areas. Um, so it it really reminded me of how you hosted your if gathering a few weeks ago. And if you guys don't know what an if gathering is, you ladies, go look that up because it's an amazing women's conference that they hold with a lot of really good guest speakers and a lot of good knowledge, biblical knowledge.

SPEAKER_03 6:45

Sister, let it out.

SPEAKER_02 6:48

Um, so in the one that you hosted, we um we watched one of them and it talked about the lies that we believe. And we, you know, went around the room with each lady and said, you know, what lie are you believing? And we we canceled that out. And so I know that you know, one of my main things is that I'm not worthy. I'm not enough. And uh that's something that I that I struggle with. One of my intrusive thoughts.

SPEAKER_01 7:23

So tell me, Jen, do you remember like when that thought first um originated? Like was there something very specific that happened that led you to that thought? And and you don't have to share this story if you don't want to, but can you remember I want to say, you know, as I have tried to track where that came from, that I want to say that it honestly came into me before I was old enough to even understand it, if that even makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

I mean, I'm talking I was a baby. Yeah, because I had an alcoholic father who disappeared often. And I remember thinking, you know, maybe if I'm good, he'll stay around. If I'm good, he'll want to be a part of my life if I don't make mistakes, if I'm not an embarrassment. And I really honestly think that was in me before I even understood it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm talking baby. Yeah, that makes sense. It sounds kind of crazy to say that you could have that thought without even knowing it, but I think it was just it was there. And then it just, you know, as the years progressed, I think it was just um it grew deeper and it was I hate to say the word proven to me, but you know, my dad had pr had a problem and couldn't shake it. And I just kept thinking, man, if I if I can do this, then he'll want to have something to do with me. If I, you know, I graduated high school, the first one in my family. I thought, oh, he'll be so excited and he'll want to be around as I started having babies. Oh, he'll love that he has grandkids, and that'll be that'll be what brings him back around. And it wasn't. So I think it just it kept like I said, I hate to use the word proven, but it was just the actions kind of kept reinforcing that thought. Yes, yes, thank you. Reinforce, that's a good word. It was just reinforced over and over and over again. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:45

So how do you think that that thought has like affected your life or maybe the relationships with people or just even like with just with yourself?

SPEAKER_02 9:56

Um, well, after losing my dad 11 years ago, it really made me do some introspection. And I realized that I kind of was doing the same thing with my husband. If I'm good enough, if I'm perfect enough, if I am pretty enough, um, if I'm funny enough, he'll he'll want to have a relationship with me. And I probably did it with all of my friends, you know. If I'm enough, they'll want to be around me. If I meet all of their needs, they'll want to be around me. If so it it has affected every area of my life and every relationship that I have. I see it with my kids, you know, trying to meet all of their needs and being enough and being everything for them.

SPEAKER_03 10:51

Hi, Maverick! He just wanted to pop in. He did just say hi.

SPEAKER_02 11:02

So it's it it's kind of sad when you sit back and think about it, how how much that lie has affected every aspect of my life for 45 years.

SPEAKER_03 11:15

Yeah. Yeah. How about you? Do you have do you want to talk about your your intrusive thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 11:24

I do. Um, so kind of like with you, I think mine probably formed long before I even had an understanding of what it was. Um, but I think like my first real um understanding of it was probably when I was like age 12. And so mine is just not feeling chosen, not feeling um like a priority. And so because of that thought, it it kind of sprouted roots to like other intrusive thoughts and behaviors. Um and so maybe like not feeling worthy, kind of the same as you, not feeling worthy. Um I'm an inconvenience to the people around me, people pleasing, um, and needing and and feeling the need to to be validated, which is a tricky one because my love language is also words of affirmation. So sometimes those can get blurred.

SPEAKER_03 12:33

Um, but I think that what was I gonna say?

SPEAKER_00 12:42

I think of those extensions as like the roots of my original like intrusive thought. So when I really started to kind of think about how all that like really affects me and what does that all really mean, it kind of made me think of like that common metaphor um of about comparing your heart to a garden.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

So I'm gonna kind of go down that route because I think that's a really I think that's a really good way of like looking at it. Um so like when we think of our hearts like a garden, think about all the things you have to do to maintain and take care of your garden. So, like, for example, my husband went out of town this weekend and I told him that I was gonna go and pull all the weeds out of our garden. Our garden was just overrun with weeds, like very big weeds, very small weeds. I mean, just completely overtaken. And he had made the suggestion. He was like, you know, you might want to go out and water a garden for maybe about 30 minutes, let it get insaturated, and then let it sit for like an hour or so so that it kind of just seeps down into, you know, the soil to help kind of loosen it, and it might be easier to get those weeds pulled up. I was like, perfect, I'll do that. And so that's what I did yesterday. So as I'm out there pulling weeds, um, the majority of them I was able to get the the weed with the root. There were a few that were really stubborn and it just snapped at the base.

SPEAKER_02 14:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:11

And so those roots were still um in the ground. And so it kind of made me think about like the weeds in my heart, right? And the roots that take place. And so with that intrusive thought of like not being chosen, kind of like like you were just saying, um, it wasn't like just this one-time thing. It was um something that kind of kept being reinforced throughout my teen years, throughout my early adulthood. Um and so it was always a struggle. And then of course it led to all those other intrusive thoughts of the not um being worthy and being an inconvenience and the people pleasing and all of that. Um, my thought of not being chosen was because of my parents and because of their divorce. And it wasn't just a matter of like, oh, they remarried and oh, they were giving their time and attention to their spouse. It was um, it would, it led to deeper things of like not being protected, being exposed to things I shouldn't have been exposed to, um, not having a sense of safety, feelings of abandonment. And I had to um have a conversation with my parents. And I had this probably about six or seven years ago, um, had a conversation with them about all of that and how I felt. And uh thankfully there was, you know, accountability and there was forgiveness, and I won't say that there was like immediate healing because there wasn't. Um, but at least it gave me some closure. And so there's partial healing in me. Uh now that I have like fully um relied on on God and I've and I'm learning who my identity is in him. Um even though I know that that thought is not true, the roots are still so embedded in me. They're such deep roots that those are a little bit harder to get rid of. And so it kind of made me think about the whole watering. You know, we water the ground so the soil will be loosened so that we can pull those weeds up. Well, it's kind of the same whenever you're um in God's word and whenever you're in scripture, being able to like meditate on that and letting it just kind of marinate in your heart and allowing God to do like a healing within you to help remove that. And so I'm still kind of in that process. And so when, and the enemy knows that, like he knows that those roots are still in there, and so we know that when we pull a weed and we don't pull the roots out, the weed comes back. So it's kind of like he still brings back that core intrusive thought to kind of help um reinforce the roots, basically, and and to say, like, keep me stuck in this place. I um and I have to tell myself, I'm like, you know what, that's not true. Like, that's not true about my parents. My parents love me. Um you know, my family loves me, and most importantly, like God loves me and God chooses me, and he chose me, and he chose you, and he chose all of us long before we ever chose him. And so that's kind of what took me to all of that when I was reading about just how much the enemy tries to use those things against us, you know, those those hurts, those unhealed parts of us. He knows it and he will use it however he can to keep you stuck because just like how it's affected your life and your relationships with people, it's affected my relationships with people. And um we all know how important community is. And so yeah. So trying to trying to find a way to like grab onto scripture, right? Something in my heart that brings me comfort and peace during that time.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

So when you were talking and you you talked about how Chris suggested that you saturate the ground, I think that is a very good thing to think about saturating yourself in scripture, saturating yourself in the word. Because if you do, those roots are easier to pull out.

SPEAKER_03 18:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_02 18:48

Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_01 18:50

Yeah. Whenever you do that, it just it allows God to come in and work in there and take those out and plant something beautiful in your heart.

SPEAKER_02 19:00

Yes. It also makes me think of, because we've had gardens before too, how quickly you can be overcome with weeds. Like they blow in out of who knows where, and you can quickly become just overwhelmed with weeds. How come, how come good things never blow into your garden?

SPEAKER_01 19:20

I know, right? Well, sometimes they can. You know, sometimes you can have those seeds from somewhere else that kind of come in, but but yeah, it's those weeds, they they do. They just oh man, they come in and they take over everything. And they can kill your your plants and they can just create chaos.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

They suck all the nutrients out of the ground so that your your plants aren't gonna grow and produce. But it's it's crazy that you, you know, you open the a door is opened and they they're in, and it's just like the intrusive thoughts. We believe one and we've opened the door to believing so many more. Yeah. So it makes me think of John 10 10 where it says, you know, the Satan comes in to still kill and destroy, but God plans to provide abundant life. So if we can remember in those in those moments where we're letting those thoughts come in and control or consume to remember that scripture and jump into the Bible and find scripture that counters that intrusive thought, because I guarantee you there is scripture in the Bible to counter whatever lies you're believing.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

Yeah, yeah. It also makes me think of Proverbs 423, where it says, keep your heart with all vigilance. For uh forefront it flow the springs of life, and so also like wanting to make sure that we're guarding our heart, and like you said, not opening ourselves to things that we shouldn't be opening ourselves to, because we want to have a heart that flows with life and with love and with God's light.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

And yes, uh scripture.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

Me too, yeah. And it also made me think of Liana Crawford's song, Psalm 23. Do you know that one? Um I don't know. Um yeah, it's a really good one, and it just talks about um you know, writing scripture on your heart, and Psalm 23 is a great way to um, you know, give yourself some comfort and peace and when you're feeling anxious or you know, whatever negative feeling you have going on. And it's a really good one. Yeah. But it's it's true. You're it's so true. Whenever you're in God's word, gosh man, I you know, and I I sometimes don't always do that.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

Yeah. You know? Definitely.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

And I have to remember. I need to um need to remember to just pick one verse, like you just said, just one, one piece of scripture that you can go to in that moment that you can say to yourself so that you're fighting against that thought.

SPEAKER_03 22:26

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 22:27

That's a great great plan. Yeah. Because if we have those memorized, we can say, uh-uh, nope, that's that's a lie. This is what this is what the word says.

SPEAKER_03 22:38

Yes, yeah. Why did it be dark all of a sudden? I don't know. That's what I just that's what I was thinking.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

It's like I can't see your face now. Oh strange. Did a cloud cover come up or something? I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 22:56

Oh how weird.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

Turn on the light.

SPEAKER_01 23:01

Turn on that light, girl. Don't be in the dark.

SPEAKER_02 23:07

That was strange. That went strange. Look down at my dog and come back up and everything's dark. That was weird. That's pretty much what I got out of that. Is there anything else that you can think of?

SPEAKER_01 23:25

No, that was really it. Just that reminder of um of not allowing Satan to not keep me stuck in that thought and in that feeling, which I used to, I mean, I could really go down a dark path with those thoughts. And um, you know, I feel like I'm a little bit quicker to kind of process through that and to work through it quicker so that I'm not stuck in that. But, you know, those those roots, they are they're a little bit tougher. They're a little bit harder to get removed. And so yeah, that's something that I'm still currently working on.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

And I think unfortunately, we're gonna be working on ourselves for a long time.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

We will, yes, we will, but you hope that these things will be removed at some point, you know what I mean? And yeah, that's kind of the goal is to just be able to move past that because I don't I don't want to live with that anymore. It's not um it's not good and it's not healthy and it's not what God's called us to do.

SPEAKER_02 24:34

And I think as you, like you said, learning who you are in Christ, I think that's a big a big important piece of the puzzle is knowing and remembering that you were created in God's image and yeah, he never said any of those things about you.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

Yeah, yeah. And I think I also, you know, it's I try to, I thought about this this morning. I'm like, okay, I know that I've always had that thought of like my parents have always just kind of pushed me off to the side of, you know, kind of being sh passed back and forth of like, um, you know, nobody really wanted to deal with me when I got to a certain age, right? When I got to be about 12, it was like, oh, she can take care of herself. And they were so consumed with their own lives and what they were doing. And so being left at home a lot by myself, or um, you know, just not being a priority, I had to stop and think about when is there a time when my parents did choose me, when I did feel safe, when I was protected, because even if that was a rare moment, it was still, you know, that should still matter. And hopefully that could bring me peace. And I did think of a time when they did, like in a very big way, protected me. And so um, I try to like think of that. And of course, the the version of who my parents are today are not who they were when I was a kid. And I love who my parents are today, and I love the grandparents that they are today, and so um, you know, a great thing.

SPEAKER_02 26:13

I'm glad that you took the courage to talk to them about it instead of just living in anger and resentment.

SPEAKER_01 26:19

Yeah, I mean, I had to. I had reached a point where I was like, I was carrying so much on my heart that it was like, I can't do this anymore. Like I've got to get, I need some answers because they just felt like there were a lot of holes too, because like I said, just a very strange upbringing, very um unusual upbringing. And so there were a lot of gaps and a lot of holes, and I needed those, I needed answers to some questions. And so, um, but like with my mom, I can remember when I was in third grade, you know, my mom didn't raise me, my dad did, and so I'd go and visit my mom every summer. And my mom was married to a man that she'd been married to for, I don't know, maybe three years, did not know he was physically abusive to her, had never witnessed that until one day I did. And that was not a norm in my house. That was not something that I grew up with, and so watching my mom um get hurt and and be treated in a way that was not okay was very scary and very unsettling. And so when I went back home, I told my stepmom and she called my dad. My dad was stationed in Honduras, and um, you know, my dad called my mom to well, one, to check on her, make sure she was okay, and then two, to let her know like Belinda will not be coming back if you continue to be in this relationship and married to this person. I will not put my daughter in danger. And, you know, my mom was like, okay, that was enough for her to leave and to, I mean, she should have left a long time ago for herself, but you know, she was like, Okay, you're not gonna keep, you know, my daughter from me. I will, I will end this marriage. And she did. And so I think about that time where I'm like, okay, I really was protected and cared for, therefore, my parents do love me. Yeah, and my parents do did choose me. And so trying to, you know, let Saint know, like, nope, that's not true. Yeah, some things other things did happen, unfortunately, where I wasn't um protected, but you know, in that moment I was because they knew and they were aware of what was going on and they did protect me. So I think about that and yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:36

It wasn't all bad and it wasn't always being chosen last.

SPEAKER_03 28:41

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:43

So well, that's good to focus on the good times and that helps reinforce the fact that it's not that lie is not true. Right.

SPEAKER_01 28:54

Right. There were moments when it was true, but as a whole, no, it's not true. It's not. So I'm not gonna let I'm not gonna stay stuck in that place.

SPEAKER_02 29:06

Nope. Not gonna do it. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 29:11

Take his lies with him.

SPEAKER_02 29:13

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 29:14

Because we serve a loving and kind God.

SPEAKER_03 29:18

And I know so much bigger and better than yeah. Yeah, he is well, anything else? That's that's all I got.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Um that's all I was kind of prepared to talk about. So I think we got some good conversation out of that. Yes, and I'm gonna look up that song. Okay, you suggested. I'm gonna listen to that. It's good.

SPEAKER_01 29:56

It's a good one. All right, well, then I guess we'll come back next week with chapter two. Sounds great to me. All right, well, you guys have a great week.

SPEAKER_02 30:10

Yeah, thanks for listening.

SPEAKER_03 30:13

Yeah, and we'll see you later.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

All right, have a good one.

SPEAKER_03 30:18

Thanks. Bye.