354 - What Would You Do If You Were Valuable?

What do you value in this life? Maybe your home? Your job? Your family? But do you value yourself? Today I want to talk about the importance of self-value and how Stoicism can help you find the treasure within.

"Do not degrade your own soul; it will soon be out of your power to bring it to honor. The life of each of us is but a moment, and this one is almost finished, and yet you do not respect yourself."

— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 3.6

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Transcript

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What do you value in this life? Maybe your home, your job, maybe your family, but do you value yourself? Today, I wanna talk about the importance of self value and how stoicism can help you find the treasure within. Hello, friends. My name is Erick Cloward, and welcome to the Stoic Coffee Break. Stoic Coffee Break is a weekly podcast where I take aspects of stoicism and do my best to break them down to their most important points. I pull from modern and ancient wisdom, as well as areas like psychology and neuroscience. Anything that I can bring to you to help you think better, because I believe if you can think better, you can live better. This week's episode is called What Would You Do if You Were Valuable? Do not degrade your own soul. It will soon be out of your power to bring it. To honor the life of each of us is but a moment. And this one is almost finished, and yet you do not respect yourself. Marcus Aurelius. Meditations 3.6. So when I was in middle school, my neighbor across the street, Leo, had a 69 Corvette Stingray, and during the week it would sit in his driveway with a cover on it. And almost every weekend he would take it out, take it for a spin, and then come home and wash it by hand, and then he would cover it up for the next week. We used to jokingly call this Leo's baby. Now I'm not a big car person, so for me the whole experience seemed a little silly. But for Leo, his car was like a work of art. It was something that he valued. So what do you value? Are you on that list of things that you actually value? So first. I want to clear up something before we talk about self value, and that is that self value is not the same as self-esteem. Self-esteem is just how you feel about yourself. Self value is how you think of yourself and as a result, how you treat yourself. Generally, people with high self value also have self-esteem because they value themselves, they feel good about themselves. So what are some signs of high and low self value? So according to Dr. Stevens Stassney PhD signs that self value is high include interest in growth, supporting a nurturing family, honoring humane values, and contributing to a better world. Signs that self value is too low include entitlement as compensation, resentment, anger, anxiety, obsession, depression, inability to value others or see their perspective and rage. Now, when you value something, you take care of it. Because it's important to you. For example, if you value a work of art or a car like my neighbor Leo, you take care of it. You appreciate it for its good points, and its beauty and its design. While accepting its flaws such as cracks or maybe some rust, you'll treat it well and make sure that the environmental conditions are such that it stays in good condition. The same goes for you when you value yourself. You appreciate and take care of yourself. You make sure that your physical health is in good order. You take care of your body by eating well and exercising and getting enough sleep. You also take care of your mental and emotional health. You work on growth and self-development. You have a realistic view of yourself and appreciate your good qualities and accept on and work on your lesser ones. You accept that you're not perfect and are kind to yourself when you fall short. So why is self value so important? So I like what Diane, fun first and verse had to say on the topic. The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself. So those with high self value, see that the work and growth they put into themselves as an investment, they take the longer term approach rather than doing what feels good in the moment. They're better ab able to regulate their emotions because they understand their intrinsic value. Not the validation of things outside of themselves. They know they're worth, so insults don't change how they see themselves. Criticism is just seen as feedback that can be explored rationally. So those with low self value are more likely not to invest in their long-term growth because they don't feel like they are something worth investing in. They're impulsive and they give into short term pleasures because they don't like the uncomfortable feelings they have about themselves. Because they don't value themselves. They are constantly looking for external validation. Even if they say they don't, they feel like they are victims and are often resentful and have a sense of entitlement and think that the world owes them something. Now, I need to clarify. Having high self value is not the same thing as having a big ego or self-aggrandizing. Self value is the opposite of that. Self value is realistic, honest assessment of yourself. It's knowing your good qualities and accepting your weaknesses and shortcomings. Those with a big ego often overestimate their skills and are usually blind to their weaknesses. Those with low self value are often materially successful or appear to be successful because they need that external validation to try and fill in the lack of self value. Now, all of their success is just to try and prove that they have value to others because they don't have that feeling of value from themselves. So how does low cell value relate to narcissism? Do narcissists have high or low cell value? So the other day I stumbled on a video from Dr. Alok Kenosha, who runs the Healthy Gamer Channel on YouTube, and he posed an interesting idea, and it was that those with self-destructive tendencies and with low self-worth such as insoles are actually suffering from a form of narcissism. Whereas a malignant narcissist has an inflated sense of self and grandiosity, those on the other side suffer from a diminished sense of self and grand inferiority. Those who think they are the greatest things in sliced bread and those that think they're awful and worthless are two sides of the same coin. In both cases, the focus is on the individual. How I was wrong, what I deserve, how life is unfair to me, me, me, me. Simply put, narcissists have low self value, and in the case of malignant narcissists, they pretend to have a high self value. They're constantly worried about what others think of them. They're constantly looking for praise or validation for who they are. Every show of success or accumulated achievement, it's not because they value themselves, but to try and convince others that they have high self value. So how does low self value lead to rage? Dr. Stassney explains Rage is an extreme form of anger with intense, aggressive impulses. It is caused by a perceived violation of rights, status, or personal boundaries and humiliation. Ordinary anger rarely turns into rage in the absence of underlying chronic resentment. Raging people feel like victims in an unfair world. Any ego offense, real or imagined, great or petty can trigger their rage. Now rage springs from feelings of fear or injustice. Those with a higher self value respond with transient anger. It only lasts until they have calmed down, figured out a way to handle what they're afraid of, or begin to rectify the injustice. They recognize the source accurately and take appropriate and helpful action. Now, people with low cell value feel that they have been treated unfairly by others or the world in general. They have a feeling of perpetual injustice having been done to them. They feel like the world needs to change to suit them. Someone else is to blame, so someone else is responsible for fixing their feelings. Now, when you need validation from external sources, you are also prone to feeling injured when you don't get that validation that you think you deserve. Whether that's in the form of admiration from others, getting a promotion at work, or even having a certain kind of partner. When you don't get that validation, you feel robbed. So as I was studying the concept of self value, it really struck home for me because I used to have a lot of anger and sometimes even rage. I didn't understand why even after years of stoic practice I could still go get so angry about things. Simply put, it was because I had a lower self value. I didn't think I was a very good person, and I was afraid that others would see this. I needed their validation to feel okay about me, that I was a good person. When I felt that others disapproved of me, or were irritated or frustrated or upset with me, I would get really defensive because if they weren't okay with me, then I wasn't okay with me. As Marcus Aurelius summed it up nicely, it never ceases to amaze me. We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own. And even though I consider myself to have a growth mindset, I still struggled to make the changes that I wanted. It wasn't until I worked on my own self value that I was finally able to overcome a big obstacle that was holding me back from becoming the person that I wanted to be. So this brings us to the question, how do you develop higher self value? Now developing higher self value is not something that you do overnight. Can't flip a switch and suddenly feel great about yourself. It takes daily action and changing your opinion of yourself. And here are a few things that you can do to move the needle towards developing higher self value. So Carol Dweck's growth mindset theory suggests that individuals who believe their abilities can be developed through effort and learning are more likely to succeed than those with a fixed mindset who see their intelligence and abilities as unchangeable. This perspective encourages resilience and a love for learning, allowing people to embrace challenges and learn from mistakes. Those with low self value, see the world in themselves with a fixed mindset. Because they've judged themselves as low value. They can't see how working on themselves would do any good. Simply put, they say, this is how I am, and I can't change. Because of this belief, they conversely believe that the world needs to change for them. Those with high self value see themselves as changeable and flexible. They believe with enough effort and with the right actions, they can learn to grow into something new and better. Because of this belief, they say, this is who I am right now. But I know I can become even better. So where do you fall? Do you have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset? Do you believe that you can change and grow? Or do you believe that you are who you are and you will never be able to change? Understanding this core belief is crucial.'cause if you don't believe you can change, then you won't take any actions that lead to growth. You'll miss the opportunities to develop yourself. So let's talk about taking responsibility. So the stoics have a concept called the dichotomy of control, which means that you need to clearly understand what you can and cannot control. Now, Epictetus clearly explains what we have control over and what we don't. He said some things are within our power while others are not. Within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and in a word, whatever is of our own doing. Not within our power, our, our body, our property reputation office, and in a word, whatever is not of our own doing. Basically, we control our opinions and perspectives, meaning the way that we think about things. We control our choices, the things we pursue, and the things we avoid. In short, we control anything that we can take direct action on everything else. It's outside of your control. Things we own, whether we are born into wealth or poverty, and most importantly, what others do or think. So why is this step so important? Because when you start to take action on the things you can, you can start to have control over your life. You are no longer at the whim of circumstances or the actions of others. Now, this is not to say that those things outside of your control don't affect you because they certainly do. But your response to those things is under your control. You always have a choice, even if you don't like those choices, when you refuse to take action where you can, you turn yourself into a victim. Others may be to blame for why you are in the situation you're in, but it's your responsibility to do something about it. Expecting others to fix your situation is wishing for something that is not under your control. And every time you refuse to be a victim and you take some action, you're proving to yourself that you value yourself. Every time you take a step in a better direction, you're investing in your long-term growth. So next, let's talk about reframing failure. Do you know how to fail? Well, when you don't succeed? Do you take it as proof that you suck and that you have no value? Well, here's the thing. You will fail. Failure is inevitable. Alerting from those failures is optional. Those with low cell value, personalize the failures and see it as proof that they are a failure. They get frustrated and embarrassed or angry because they think it reflects on them as a person. They judge themselves harshly. They say, I suck, or see, this just shows what a failure I am, or I'll never figure this out. Whereas people with a high self value don't take their failures as a reflection on who they are as a person. But rather something that just didn't work out as expected. They understand that they are not their failure. They get curious and they try to learn from it. They say, Hmm, I haven't figured this out yet. Or they ask, why didn't this work? What can I learn from this so that it might work out better next time? The thing is, is you will fail, and if you don't use that as an opportunity to learn, then you're throwing away a valuable lesson. It's already happened, so why not use it to your advantage? Marco Sores teaches us this writing the Impediment to Action Advances action. What stands in the way, becomes the way in every obstacle is the lesson to overcoming that obstacle. So how do you handle failure when you fail at something? Do you see it as proof of your value, or do you see it as a lesson to learn from? Next I want to talk about the importance of self-acceptance, so those with a high level of self value also have a high level of self-acceptance. Now, we hear all the time that we should love ourselves, but for many of us who have a highly self-critical view of ourselves, this seems impossible. In my case, growing up in a strict religion and a sometimes chaotic home. I grew up feeling like there was always something wrong with me. The perfectionism that I felt that I could never measure up to at church ingrained a deep sense of shame. Now because self-love feels so far out of reach, I encourage self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is letting go of the judgments about yourself. It takes willingness to see yourself for exactly who you are and to accept that person. You accept yourself just for who you are with all of your strengths and weaknesses. Now, self-acceptance is not an excuse to slack off or to not try and improve yourself. It's just an acceptance of you, a human being with plenty of good parts and some that need some work. It's an acceptance of the light and shadow that makes you well you. You are not perfect and there is no need to be. I mean, honestly, I think one of the worst things in this world is to strive towards somebody else's idea of what a perfect person should be. There is no such thing. So how do we get better about accepting ourselves for exactly who we are? Well, this goes back to episode two 18 that I did several years ago. It's all about self-acceptance, and there was an exercise that I did in that episode that really helped me to get to a place where I learned to accept myself for exactly who I am. This is something I do with my coaching clients and even close friends, so this is how it works. Sit down, pull out a pen and paper, and write down all the things that you don't like about yourself. Now, I know for a lot of you, this is gonna sound scary, looking at your shadow self as hard. We don't like to look at the darker side of ourselves, but the truth is, it's not about judging yourself, it's about seeing yourself objectively. It's about laying out the facts. Everything that you put on that list is either something that is true or something that you believe is true, and as Carl Jung wrote, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. But I can't stress this enough. This is just an objective view of yourself. And for me, objectivity is not cold or harsh. Objectivity is really non-judgmental and compassionate. Think about the one friend that you have that always tells you the truth. They tell you exactly what you need to hear. They aren't always nice, but they're kind because they love you enough to tell you the truth. Now, after you've written these things down, look at each one nonjudgmentally and ask yourself, can I accept this about myself? This doesn't mean you have to love it or even like it. It just means that you accept it because it's either true or you think it's true. If you find this acceptance part hard, treat this list as if your best friend gave it to you. You would still accept them for all of their faults. If you looked at their actual list, you would probably say, yeah, I already know most of those things about you, but you'd still love them and care about them. So be that friend to yourself. Now, you might wonder why I focus on the things you don't like about yourself rather than the things you do. The reason is simple. We usually know the things we like about ourselves. But it's the things we don't like about ourselves that we try to hide from ourselves and others. Focusing only on our good qualities is like being a runner, but with a ball and chain on our ankle. Doing the shadow work and shining a light on the areas we're afraid to look, helps us remove that ball and chain. It helps us move forward far faster than just learning to run faster. So in conclusion, learning to value yourself is. Key to being successful in your life. The more you value yourself, the more you invest in yourself, the better you take care of yourself, the more you can grow. When you see yourself as inherently valuable, then you're more resilient in the face of failure because you see the failures as mistakes and lessons to be learned from not a reflection of your value. You don't judge yourself harshly, but rather with compassion. Higher self value allows you to accept yourself for exactly who you are. You appreciate your strengths and better attributes while accepting your weaknesses as things to be worked on. You take responsibility for your choices and actions, and you step up and you do the work. I admonish you to follow. The advice of Marcus Aurelius Dig within. Within is the wellspring of good, and it is always ready to bubble up if you just dig. So take some time this week to discover the treasure within. And that's the end of this week's Stoic Coffee break. As always, be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and thanks for listening. Also, if you haven't purchased my book, stoicism 1 0 1, I would appreciate it if you would. You can find out more about that at my website, stoic.coffee. Also, if you aren't following me on social media, I'd appreciate if you would just give me a follow. You can find me on Instagram and Threads at Stoic Coffee and on LinkedIn, Facebook X, YouTube at Stoic Coffee, all one word. Thanks again for listening.