Kristi Simons (00:00):

We all have desires, we all have challenges. And so being aware that we all fall into this place of drama versus empowerment, and we're all constantly trying to get ourselves back to a space and place where we feel energetically aligned and where we're taking actions from a place that is really truly true to us is, yeah, it's magic. It really is magic.

Michelle MacDonald (00:28):

Welcome back everyone. This is podcast episode two with Kristi Simons, who herself has a podcast called The Confident Teen. If you have young relatives, you're definitely going to want to check that out. She drops a lot of great truths and wisdoms and skills and strategies for young teens right up into early adulthood, and I think a lot of what she has to talk about will apply to us older women as well. So welcome back,

Kristi Simons (00:57):

Kristi. Thank you for having me. So excited to be here.

Michelle MacDonald (01:01):

Super excited to have you talk more about the work that you do. So in the first episode, of course, we talked a lot about your journey into your current role, which is kind of sounds like a career that you created for yourself. You started off as a traditional teacher, but now you actually thrive in the space of helping young adults to become self-aware and develop, cultivate confidence and emotional intelligence, which is a huge advantage in this day and age, especially as we're so inundated via social media. Tell us more about what it is that you do, and I'd love to hear more about what you see as being teens most common struggles and how they mirror actually the challenges that older adults experience.

Kristi Simons (01:54):

Yeah, I love this question. So I'm going to start with what teens are actually sharing in terms of where they want to be. So the struggles that they face obviously are really, truly feeling just like they're not enough, having trouble accepting themselves for who they truly are. And so on the flip side of that, what I often hear from my clients is that they want to feel better and feel more comfortable talking to people. They obviously want to be more social and feel less anxious and just overall better in their day-to-day life. It always comes back to this place of feeling connected and happy. And one that really gets me a lot is just having someone who cares about me. I truly believe that they have people that care about them, but it more so comes back to that place of they're not feeling like they're caring about themselves and that causes them to feel like this lack of energy.

(02:51):

They don't feel important, and they truly just want to find peace and believe and trust that whatever they go after in their lives will work out. And we spoke in the previous episode two just about them wanting to feel creative because that creativity really brings them a lot of peace in their lives. Feeling confident, of course, this is my podcast is called Confident Teen. And also just having more genuine interactions with people that truly understand them, who see them, who hear them for who they truly are. And a lot of them really do express as well that they feel really proud of themselves when they, they're able to overcome challenges. But in the beginning, when we first start working together, that's not necessarily a place that they're able to get to yet.

Michelle MacDonald (03:44):

Yeah, it is leaning into the vulnerability of making mistakes. And if you're going to achieve greatness, you have to make peace. You have to embrace that you're going to make a hell of a lot of mistakes, and the bigger the jump you want to take, the bigger mistakes you're likely to make as well.

Kristi Simons (04:04):

And so what I love to teach my clients, obviously, as you already said, is all about emotional intelligence, because this is what I learned much later in life, and I just know if my teen self would have learned this sooner, it could have significantly impacted the trajectory of my life. However, I do still believe that I am where I am today because this was meant to be my path. And guiding teens now to be able to have those essential tools and life skills is like this is me living on purpose. I really feel like this is what my teen self needed. And so it always comes back to that place of my teen self needed these tools and strategies. And so this is what I am here to teach today. And again, this all came to me through my own healing journey when I was healing, after having my two children and then recognizing where all the pain, where everything was really rooted, where all of that trauma really stemmed from.

(05:00):

It really did come from a lot from my teen years. I can remember up until a certain point where I was really, truly my authentic self, just my creative loud, loved to use my voice, loved to speak, perform, do all the things, and then somewhere in my teen years, it's like I lost myself. And so looking back at that time, I started questioning what was it and what could I have done? And I just know now that to really truly feel confident in my teen years, I needed these four essential key areas that I teach all of my clients today.

Michelle MacDonald (05:32):

So let's go. You've hooked us in. What are these four things

Kristi Simons (05:36):

We're diving in? Okay, so we're diving in. It does start with reverse engineering how you want to feel, which we spoke about too in the previous episode. But in terms of those actual four key areas, it's physical energy, emotional energy, mental energy and spiritual energy. If spiritual doesn't resonate, you can call it self energy, but physical energy is really all about the way that we are fueling our body. It's also about the movement and it's our physical environment, the people that we're surrounding ourselves with, including the 24 hours that we have on our calendar in a day, and how we are using our time, how we're investing our time, and how intentional we're being with the actions that we're taking in regards to our physical energy. Then there's mental energy. So this is mainly the stories that we're telling ourselves, and it also has to do with those limiting beliefs that come up.

(06:28):

And for me, as a teen, I always say to my clients, I really over the last five years have learned to think about what I think about, and this really comes back to awareness, which I know we spoke of earlier, but being aware of my thoughts was never something that I was aware of. So becoming aware of that was a really big game changer. And in terms of mental energy, we really take those limiting beliefs, those narratives, those stories that we're telling ourselves, and we start to reframe it. We start to ask ourselves questions like, is this true? And we really start to break it down and get to the root of what is our truth versus what is the inner critic within us that is telling us these stories that may not in fact be something that is serving us anymore? Then we move into emotional energy, which is really truly just understanding our emotions.

(07:20):

And for some of them in the beginning, it can be uncomfortable. This work is meant to be emotionally uncomfortable because it's not something that we're used to doing. It's not something that we're taught, but really helping them to tap into those physical sensations, because when I think mental energy, we are often so much living above the neck, and this is where we get caught in that anxiety, that worry cycle. And when we're really able to just regulate our nervous system and tap back into our body and really truly listen to our heart, actually put a hand on your heart and just be present with that emotion that's coming up and just allow it to feel seen, heard, and understood. That's really all of that's the love that we need to give ourselves in order to be able to let go of that emotion or just allow it to pass, allow it to release.

(08:10):

So we're not getting stuck in it, we're not ruminating, it's just we're allowing it, the space to be seen, heard, and understood, and then to pass through and then to focus on the way that we want to feel. And then there's spiritual energy or self energy, which is really just connecting with our, you can call them desires. Some people call them dreams, some people call them goals, but it's really having a clear understanding, especially in terms of the teen years being able to explore. You don't have to have everything figured out, and I thought I did. I thought I had to have everything figured out. I thought I had to check all these boxes. Everything felt like super, super pressured. And really, honestly, truly, this is just about leaning in day to day and just asking ourselves important questions, a question such as, wouldn't it be nice?

(08:56):

And I actually use with my teens, wouldn't it be cool if, because I feel like that resonates more with them, but just creating a, wouldn't it be cool list? So spiritual energy is really where we are reverse engineering how they want to feel, and then it kind of branches out and focuses on all the other key areas. But they'll come to me and they'll write on their, wouldn't it be cool list? Wouldn't it be cool if I could take driver's ed, make some more money, do things that make me proud? Sometimes it's honestly just like the other day, I had a teen client that said, man, wouldn't it be cool if I could just actually start eating a good healthy breakfast because that's something that they haven't done for a while. And so in that container of space, when they know that they can just say whatever they need to say without feeling judged, that's where these answers come through. It's like they already have the answers to everything that they need. They already know what they need for themselves. It's they haven't ever experienced a space maybe where they've been able to ask themselves these really important questions. This is why you often hear teens say, well, what do you want to do? Or What about this? And I don't know, I don't know.

(10:10):

And I actually believe that that's just their walls going up, that's just the block because they haven't tapped into this way of really connecting with themselves. This shows me that they are disconnected, and so we just focus on these four key areas and we just keep rinsing and repeating the same process. I don't believe in overcomplicating things. I don't believe in making them feel pressured in any way. And so when you do this on a consistent basis, just looking at your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy, week to week, it really starts to just become something that's habitual. And then you start to actually pay attention and they notice, you notice, you become more aware, as you said, when your energy shifts. And then they know now that this is just a trigger. This is just my body signaling me that something is off again, and that I need to just pay attention, ask myself, ask myself these questions and figure out how I can, again, reverse engineer that feeling to put actions on my physical calendar that are going to help me to shift my energy in a different direction.

Michelle MacDonald (11:12):

It's really about cultivating a relationship with yourself at the end of the day,

Kristi Simons (11:17):

100%. And when you spoke of self-love, that's what it is. Doing this work is about putting yourself first on the calendar, filling your cup first so that you can show up for those other things from an energetic place that feels aligned. And so really, truly what it comes down to, and what I have realized and recognized in my own life is like 90% of life is really all about our energy, and 10% is about the strategy. So if you are showing up from a place of fear, anger, scarcity, lack, sadness, and just feeling not enough for me personally, that's when I fall into inaction. I freeze. I feel like, I don't know, I feel like I don't know what the next right step is. And so it's not until I actually allow those walls to come down and just open myself up to the possibility of leaning into a different way of feeling and being. So changing that energy to a place where I feel more connected to myself, where I feel more free, where I feel more joy, where I feel just even more gratitude, like having a gratitude practice. There's so many ways to be able to shift our energy. And then from that place, all you need is a couple actions on your calendar a week and just you would be amazed at the progress you can make and at the changes, the transformation that will start to happen for yourself. I mean, I am literally living proof. So yeah.

Michelle MacDonald (12:50):

Can you tell us more about some of the actual strategies? I know you've explained the importance of self-awareness and managing energy, whether it's physical energy or mental or spiritual energy, emotional energy, but are there some other tools like meditation or journaling or apps or anything like that that you deploy?

Kristi Simons (13:14):

Yeah, so I feel like I want to speak to mental energy first, and then I'll kind of go into more of the energy healing also a space that I absolutely love, but I love mental energy the most because I feel like it's where I struggled most as a teen, really becoming aware of those thoughts, especially later in life as an adult and becoming a mom for the first time, it was like, okay, I am now aware of these thoughts, but it's like, what do I do with them? They really do take a hold of you. And I've actually had a Teen express to me once that it almost feels like an undertow. It's like once you grab onto it, it kind of just pulls you down, and that pull can be very, very strong. And so in order to break that to free ourselves from that, you're right, you need to have tools.

(14:02):

You need to have strategies and ways to move yourself through that. And so one thing that I love to work on with them is the empowerment dynamic. And this is not mine, this is David Emerald. So there's actually visuals that you can look up online in order to help to explain this to them. But these are the roles that we play in our lives. And so if you're thinking of it or if you're listening to this just for visual perspective, so the empowerment dynamic are two triangles. So there's obviously the empowerment triangle on the top, and then the drama triangle, which is flipped the other way on the bottom. And in the empowerment dynamic, you have the challenger, the creator, and the coach. And so when you're living from a place of empowerment, this is where you become the coach of your own life. So you can ask yourself questions that really help you to see those possibilities.

(14:56):

The creator is somebody who really seeks relationships that support and cultivates their own capacity to be able to create the outcomes that they actually desire. And then obviously in terms of the challenger, it's just being able to learn, as you said, because once you step into this way of being, there are still going to be challenges that show up. So it's like, what can I learn from this? How is this happening for me? And then the opposite of that is just helping them to understand that we do, all of us, even myself included, will fall back into the drama triangle. So it's recognizing when we're there and how we can bring ourselves back up. So the drama triangle looks like the rescuer, so this is somebody who will discount their own needs, really just acts on behalf of what others need. This is one that I fall into often, especially in terms of being a mom with my children.

(15:52):

They're still young though. The victim is where you really just feel powerless to the emotions that you're feeling, and you feel very at risk, you feel very exposed. And then there's also the persecutor, and this is where just you're projecting, you're seeking to discount the needs of others, maybe even to dominate in some way. And so again, it's just really bringing it back to self, bringing it back to self. How can I empower myself to shift the way that I'm thinking? And I feel like for me personally, when I was a teen growing up, I was just such a visual learner. So having these two triangles to be able to remind me when I flipped and how I can bring myself back up has really, really been huge. And it's essentially at the end of the day, as I spoke of earlier, it's just these reframes.

(16:46):

It's being able to reframe it and showing them that if you're here at point A and you want to be at point B, what is the bridge? How do we start to put those small actions on our calendar in order to get us from one place that we are to another? And again, just having a ton of compassion with ourselves along the way, because the duality, the contrast is always going to be there. It's always going to exist because that is our human experience. So I almost feel too when you teach them about this, you teach them that these roles show up in all of our lives. It's almost like this sigh of relief. It's like, oh. And again, it comes down to understanding emotional intelligence. So then you are able to tap in to that challenger role, tap into that creator role, tap into that coach role, not only for yourself, but for everybody in your life. And this is how I see it applying very well to parents as well, when they understand the roles that they're playing in terms of the relationships with themselves and their own teens. This type of work actually creates emotional freedom for everybody, which ultimately leads to more connected relationships.

Michelle MacDonald (17:57):

Yeah, I can see that easily. Are there any strategies that you've used, unique ones, even for teens that have had pretty amazing outcomes to help them catch themselves,

Kristi Simons (18:11):

Right? Yes. So recently, well, I still am actively working with this teen, and again, I have her permission to share this story, but she came to me because she was really feeling blocked. She is the type of person like myself who really, really loves just to be a very creative soul. And she often talks about how she just doesn't feel like she fits in at school. Even at lunch, she'll share that she will sit and eat in the bathroom alone by herself because she tries to put herself in spaces and places with other people. And her biggest fear is that when she, even in terms of just opening her mouth and sharing her thoughts and her voice, she feels that people are going to think she's cringey, that they're not going to want to hear what she has to say. And so she's very much since we started working together, very much aware now that she has this inner critic.

(19:06):

And so when we were working together, the one day she was able to list out all of the things that her inner critic would say to her in terms of Your voice doesn't matter, you're cringey, all of these things. And I think we got a list of 10 of them, and then I asked her to see the other side of that, to flip it, what would her inner truth say? And there wasn't one thing that she could put on her list. And so this is where I brought in energy healing. I'm certified in reiki. I'm also a certified hypnotherapy practitioner. And so I love too when the clients are open to it, to use meditation as a form to really help them move through these blocks. Because to me, I see it very visually and very clearly with them when she's telling me that her inner critic has all of these things to say, but there's nothing that her inner truth knows about herself.

(20:04):

There's nothing positive from a place of love that she can tell herself. It's because, again, her heart is in a cage, those walls have gone up, and so of course none of that is able to come through. So when I take them into a guided meditation, this is really where they're able to allow their nervous system to relax. They feel safe. And then what I love to do is acknowledge those parts. So I will take the words that they speak to me during our session, and I will bring that back up during the meditative session, but from a place of love. So inviting them to witness these parts of themselves, the part that feels like they're cringey, the part that feels like their voice doesn't matter. And in this particular meditation, I just remember it being so, so powerful because when she came back after, when I brought her back, what she ended up saying to me was that in the meditation and the visualization, she was able to connect with those parts of herself, and she saw herself giving those parts of her a really big hug.

(21:03):

And then during the meditation, I asked her to, when she was in that space now, just from that place, what would your actual inner truth say to you? And so when she came back, she ended up having three new things that her inner truth would say to her, and it was all around accepting herself for who she is, thanking her for being brave enough just to try and put herself out there. And I can't remember what the other one was, but it was really, really beautiful to be able to witness that. It was just within literally a 15 minute meditation of seeing and hearing and understanding herself and just letting some of that go, that she was then able to call in what was actually true. I just remember how impactful that was for her. She couldn't believe that she was able to now distinguish between those two voices. It's like she didn't even know that there were two different voices in there that she was able to listen to.

Michelle MacDonald (22:05):

That is magic.

Kristi Simons (22:07):

That's the magic I'm talking about.

Michelle MacDonald (22:09):

Yeah. Yeah. It's like that's

Kristi Simons (22:11):

My favorite part.

Michelle MacDonald (22:11):

Yeah, the coach has got to go in there and create a little bit of space for awareness and noticing, I'm going to use Michelle Beatty's word noticing to start to seep in. I think of really the idea of a really overwhelmed parent, or even myself when I'm really, really overwhelmed and the allostatic load is just through the roof and something happens, maybe my dog is barking, and if I don't have capacity, then all I want to do is stop the dog from barking. But I don't have the skills. I'm not able to think. I don't have the skills, the awareness to stop the dog from barking. Whereas when I'm in a relaxed state, a connected state, the dog's barking. I'm like, alright, maybe the dog needs some water, or let's throw a ball, or let's give them, I have more capacity, more awareness to understand, oh, there's an action signal here.

(23:13):

What does that action signal mean? And then what are the tools I have? I don't think quite like that, but definitely I find that I have capacity when I'm in a relaxed state to be much more agile. And so you're getting in there with these people, these kids that are really struggling and they're in that beginning stage of awareness and understanding that there's more than one voice, there's more than one person persona, and learning to tap into those parts of yourself that you need to pour into that are ultimately going to help you level up.

Kristi Simons (23:50):

It's bringing that one to the forefront that we actually want to be in the forefront. I often too, work with just helping them to see and visualize actually turning down the volume on the voice that they no longer want to hear and turning the volume up on the voice that they do. A lot of this comes back to really subconscious mind reprogramming and just inserting what is actually their truth versus what isn't hindering them and what's actually helping them to focus on progress, not perfection. And that has just been huge for her actually since then. What she has expressed to me is that now at school, while she doesn't sit alone in the bathroom anymore, she does actually try to sit at a table, communicate with other people, and she told me one day that she, what makes it a little bit easier for her, still a challenge, but what makes it a little bit easier for her is now being able to understand and witness in other people that they also have their own inner critic, and that might be the voice that they're tapping into when they're not open to receiving her and that she can see that within them.

(24:58):

She's also a very intuitive and

Michelle MacDonald (25:02):

Pathetic. That is massive. That is massive.

Kristi Simons (25:05):

And again, we're talking, this client is only, she's 14 years old. So I just think, again, thinking about what I think about, I just think like, holy moly, if I would've had these skills when I was her age and just imagining how much more depth is available to her as she gets older, it's exciting for me to think about where she'll be one day and how this will truly benefit the trajectory of her life as well

Michelle MacDonald (25:33):

And others. That's the path of leadership or mentorship or teaching. You ultimately want to accelerate the people that you're teaching so that they can pass you, and it just continues. That's the legacy, right? That's how we actually have human evolution. That's beautiful. I love that so much. I mean, that's just so massive. That's such a young age. And rather quickly, she's able to get to that place where not only is she putting herself in uncomfortable situations, but she's able to have that higher level, that higher perspective that the people that she's around, especially if they're doing something triggering, might also be grappling with their own inner critic. That's just so massive.

Kristi Simons (26:20):

Yeah. It's like she's tapped to the fact that this is a universal experience, really, truly, no matter what age we're at, obviously brain development is different, but at the end of the day, we all have desires, we all have challenges, and so being aware that we all fall into this place of drama versus empowerment, and we're all constantly trying to get ourselves back to a space and place where we feel energetically aligned and where we're taking actions from a place that is really truly true to us is yeah, it's magic. It really is magic.

Michelle MacDonald (26:51):

I love it. I love your passion. I know we've been talking for a while, but I want to just tease out Puff one more things. For the people that are listening, especially the parents or the aunts or the godmothers, I'm a godmother, some lessons for parents and adults. So let's finish talking about this little piece. What are some of the biggest misconceptions that parents might have or adults might have when it comes to supporting teens or young adults?

Kristi Simons (27:21):

I think the biggest misconception, because it's the one that I'm currently challenged with, but I do love a good challenge is just feeling like they're not going to be open to this work. And I feel truly like that is doing them a disservice

Michelle MacDonald (27:34):

Because so are the parents not being open or that the parents think their kids wouldn't be open,

Kristi Simons (27:39):

The parents thinking that their kids wouldn't be open to this work. And to me personally, I feel like that is doing them a disservice, and this is why I show up to have these conversations because they are so much more capable than we realize. They are so much more advanced just in the age of social media and all of the information that they constantly have coming at them and being able to again, understand and just really truly discern from a place of their own truth, like what it is that they actually want for themselves. And this work is, it's honestly not as complicated as people think it is, in fact super easy. And once they have these skills, these are skills that will follow them for life. So resistance, yes. Does it show up a hundred percent? Especially if they're comfortable in their ways, things that they've always been doing. And honestly, you can get comfortable in fear and lack and anxiety, and I just know that that doesn't have to be their truth. So this is why I show up to have these conversations because I know that it was literally just putting myself into a different space and hearing as I said, a different language, it changed everything for me. And they are 100% capable of learning everything that I have learned as well and thriving in their own lives and changing their own stories and beliefs.

Michelle MacDonald (29:02):

What are some of the patterns of fear and self-doubt that you see in adults? How can adults learn from the work you do with teens? Fears that I see played out in adult and how might they learn from the work that you are doing with teens? Because your journey, your growth, which is what you leveraged to coach teens was made as an

Kristi Simons (29:26):

Adult. So this is where I'm just going to be super truthful. I feel like it comes back to the fear of actually looking at themselves in the mirror and out whether or not this is work that they may need to also be doing. Because in order for this work to really, really truly resonate with these teens, I feel like there is a massive component of it, the physical energy, the people, the spaces, our environment that also play a huge factor in this. And so it is incredible for them to work with me and to have these conversations on a weekly basis, and I can hold them accountable, but if what they're receiving at home, at school and other spaces and places is different, there really needs to be these supports coming at them and these conversations coming at them from all angles and parents are their safe space, that's their safe space to land.

(30:20):

And so if parents are also doing their own work in terms of personal development, growing their own mindset and really managing and taking care of their own energy, this is where their teens are ultimately going to thrive as well. So it's just continuing to have these open conversations, continuing to ask themselves questions. And like I needed in the beginning, just giving ourselves a ton of compassion. Nobody's at fault, nobody's to blame. But now that we know better, it's just we can do better with the information that we have and we can show up as the leaders for our children and lead them the way that we know is going to help them best to thrive.

Michelle MacDonald (30:57):

Outside of your podcast Confident Team, which I think you told me it's a lot of adults actually are listening to that podcast versus teens, right? So we've got your podcast, confident Teen. Are there any other podcasts? You mentioned the book by David Emeralds, like are there other resources that you want to leave the listeners to that they could, if they're like, okay, you've convinced me I want to start growing in this area, where would you point them?

Kristi Simons (31:24):

I also feel super called to share, obviously Heather Chava podcast, emotionally Uncomfortable. That would be number one space to check out, especially in terms of parenting from a leadership perspective and really helping your kids to thrive and feel fully alive yourself. That would be one. I also feel super called to share Penny Williams. She is the podcast host of Beautifully Complex, and this is for parents who have specifically teens or young adults that have NeuroD diversities, especially in terms of A DHD, autism, all of those things. She is an incredible resource. She also talks a lot about what I talk about. It's just, again, a little bit of a different language because her community and her people have specific needs. So that would be another one for sure.

Michelle MacDonald (32:13):

Thank you so much, Kristi. I know you've got other commitments I could keep you on here all day. Thank you so much for sharing everything. Thank you for sharing in all transparency your story and for the incredible work that you do. Thank you for being on the podcast. And guys, you can find Kristi Simons again on her podcast, confident Teen. Thank you so much for being on the show.

Kristi Simons (32:37):

Thank you so much for having me. I can't tell you how much this means to me. I actually just before we jumped on this recording, I recorded to my Instagram because I realized that a little over two years ago, I started my own podcast, and that was a space in place where I didn't have very much belief in myself at all. And so it was my coach that held that belief for me, and had she not, I wouldn't be sitting here having this conversation with you today. So it just speaks to the volume of what coaching and what having people in your corner can do for you. So I just appreciate you for sharing this space with me. Thank you,

Michelle MacDonald (33:11):

You bet. Thank you. Bye.