Hood Chatter
Hood Chatter is audio therapy for the everyday person looking for an outlet for truth, laughs and sarcasm, wrapped in common sense. Hood Chatter will discuss the things you think about but do not say!
Hood Chatter
Growing Up Gay and Black in a World of Misconceptions
Have you ever wondered how early experiences shape one's identity? Join me, Doc J, on HoodChatter, as I recount my journey growing up as a Black, gay, and feminine male. From the time I realized I was different, to the societal pressures and misconceptions I faced, this episode sheds light on the innate nature of my femininity and homosexuality. Through personal stories, I challenge the belief that traumatic experiences lead to such identities and highlight the contrasting societal attitudes towards gay men and women. This heartfelt discussion aims to foster understanding and acceptance, encouraging listeners to reflect on their perceptions and language.
Navigating life as a gay person within the Black church and community brought its own set of challenges. I share my painful experiences with bullying, insincere friendships, and the initial sanctuary the church provided, which later revealed its own limitations in acceptance. Hear about the "love me or lose me" turning point with my family and the difference between mere tolerance and genuine acceptance. I also delve into the struggles of the down-low community and the severe repercussions of coming out, especially in urban and church contexts. The episode concludes with a poignant piece written in response to a tragic mass shooting, highlighting the fear and discrimination faced by gay Black men. This candid conversation aims to promote a more inclusive and respectful world for everyone.
Yeah what up? Ain't nobody got time for that?
Speaker 1:HodgeKids, hodgewife Yo you good yo. You are such a liar, you are it's? Live, let's go. And that's on Pivotal.
Speaker 2:HoodChatter.
Speaker 1:What's up, family? I'm your host, doc J, and welcome back to another episode of HoodChatter. I missed you guys. I hope everyone had a happy and healthy 4th. I hope your celebrations and your turn up was responsible and safe. Okay, it's hot outside, so remember to stay hydrated and drink your water, because you cannot be outside in this heat trying to turn up drinking and you're not drinking any water. That is a recipe for disaster. So be kind to yourself, be smart. If you know you're going to be drinking, uber it If you're not sure if you're going to be drinking, uber it, because losing our life or taking the life of someone else is just not worth it. So let's party responsibly, everybody.
Speaker 1:So, now that we are post-Pride Month and post-Pride Parade, I wanted to take this time to highlight my story and my experiences, in hopes that it'll help someone else who might be experiencing similar situations, and to also help some of us change our way of thinking, our way of approaching and the words that we say to other people, just in an effort to make this world a better place for everybody, you know. So with that, let's jump right in. However, I would like to offer this disclaimer this story is mine, mine and it has nothing to do with anyone else. So if my testimony will make someone feel some type of way, or if you think at some point I might be talking about you, take stock of yourself and your actions and govern yourself accordingly, because this is one instance where I will not take responsibility for the way anyone else feels about my truth. Okay, like to hear it. Here we go.
Speaker 1:Let's start with the obvious I'm black, I'm a male, I'm gay and I'm feminine. Shit, that's a story in itself, right, but I tell people all the time I'm like a game of spades. I just played the hand. I was dealt, but keep in mind, since I got to play this hand, I'm going to try to put the wheels on it, run a bubble or Boston tens across the board, um, but what you see is what you get literally like.
Speaker 1:Imagine me as a six year old. I was the same exact person in a smaller body. It it was no question Like Stevie wonder could see that I was gay. Real talk, because I was naturally feminine. It wasn't anything that I was taught or I picked up on from somewhere. It was my demeanor from the time that I could walk and talk and it was completely outside of my control. My parents knew it, my family knew it. Shit, everybody knew it. But you know how it is in the black and brown community. We know, but we're just not going to talk about it. Right, we have this ignore it away policy. But kids, kids are cruel and they will say what they think and they repeat what they hear. And it was somewhere around the young age of maybe four or five, six that I noticed that something was different.
Speaker 1:Now imagine that for a moment, a child of that age trying to process the fact that they know that something is different about themselves than what they see, but then to not have the vocabulary or even feel safe enough to express that so unknowingly. The trauma started for me really early because I was branded gay, branded I heard the word gay for as long as I can remember and I heard the word before I even knew what it was. So digest that for a moment, a child, an innocent child, being branded because of physical attributes that were completely outside of their control, attributes that were completely outside of their control. And I was called something that required an action. But I was convicted even prior to the act. So imagine being discriminated against as a child right Now. I grew up in an 11, two-parent home and I have never been raped, molested, accosted, groped, seduced, coerced or drugged in any way.
Speaker 1:And I have to say that because many people believe that something happens in a person's life along the way that made them choose homosexuality or lesbianism. And for some that might be the case, but it is worth mentioning that not everyone in this community arrived here through some form of traumatic experience. And let me say this the flip side is women get a get out of jail free pass right, generally because men are accepting of that behavior or their behavior, and oftentimes because dudes just want to participate. But a woman can be a lesbian and decide at some point that she wants a bone, and she can switch sides easy, no, no question. And if she decides that she wants to have a katie perry moment while she's in college. 100 fine men, however, are so scared of even being seen as the least bit effeminate they've developed a language to safeguard themselves from any association. Pause, no homo Right, god forbid a man had any entanglement with the same sex in any part of his life. He would have to move in order to live that down, especially in the black and brown community, that's. That's not going to work at all.
Speaker 1:And there's always been a question of whether or not people are born gay. And in my personal experience the answer is yes and no, because I do know people, men and women, and let me stop there for a second. I know Let me stop there for a second and say this the word gay applies to women as well, because we tend to hear the word gay and automatically assume that individuals are talking about men. Like I just mentioned this to someone the other day, when people hear of the gay pride parade, they automatically assume that it's the parade for gay men, when in fact there are just as many women, if not more women, in attendance. But I do know people that have never had an attraction or desire to the same sex, but in some way that lifestyle met them in a time in their life where it made sense to explore. And then there are individuals like me who, of no fault of their own, by no choice of their own, was given this weight to carry.
Speaker 1:And, like I mentioned before, I come from a two-parent home from which both of my parents are old school and my father was a hood dude. So my mannerisms and any other isms weren't things that were learned or forced upon me. It was just natural development that was completely outside of my control, and I had a list of male cousins, brothers and some so-called male friends growing up. So I played basketball, baseball, football, ran track, bike, race, fist fights everything that society would say a little boy should do. However, I said I was like four, five, six when I knew that things were different and it was very evident that the things that my male cousins and friends wanted to do for fun was not what I wanted to do Like. I loved being with the girls. I loved the idea of dressing Barbie and doing her hair and her dream house. However, at that age, I was also smart enough not to ask for one, and you see what I mean.
Speaker 1:For a gay child, trying to internalize all of that is really exhausting and, without the proper support, can really cause irreparable damage, and I grew up in the 80s and 90s. There was no handbook for being gay. There was no real pioneers in the black and one that looked like me in the county, and for years of my life, anything that was associated with being gay in the entire county somehow found a way of bringing my name up. Can you imagine how exhausting. And again we're talking about physical attributes. And again we're talking about physical attributes. I have had the same body type and worn the same shoe size since I was in the seventh grade. I mean, come on, I these growth spurts that everyone talks about and their voice starting to deepen. Girl, I miss both of those trains. I would go to the gym to work out and get muscle and abs Shit. I couldn't gain weight with supplements and I was soon to pull a muscle before I gained any muscle.
Speaker 1:Okay, so not only was I branded as a child and forced to walk with a word that I didn't have a chance to figure out for myself, despite my best efforts, the things that I saw other people consider as manly, I couldn't even achieve because I was still short, I still wore a size six shoe, I'm still slim, and it became very evident to me quickly that, no matter what I did, that word gay would follow me for the rest of my life. And when I was younger, I had to deal with answering and being asked some stupid questions. Okay, are you gay? Why? What's wrong with you? Why are you like that? Most of which is from other kids, but I was also extremely mature, so these questions would come from people that were much older than me, as if I was able to articulate the answer with any kind of clarity. But I learned to deal with that and maneuver in that space at that age, in that space, at that age.
Speaker 1:It wasn't until I became a teenager, going into middle school, that I realized how problematic this label was going to be and it was almost like being stripped of my name and at that stage in my life people saw me as gay before they saw anything else. People saw me as gay before they saw anything else. I mean, for that matter, a lot of the times. That still is the case and that really began the road to me understanding fake friends and gossip and trauma and really becoming a high school dropout. I'm a doctor now, but a high school dropout and in an effort to try to find myself this is where the story gets funny In an effort to try to find myself and navigate this lifestyle that was unfolding for me, I attempted to assert some kind of dominance around the age of 13, right Now, remember I said that I was very mature for my age and I grew up in the 80s and 90s, where things were very different.
Speaker 1:So I had a lot of girlfriends by this time in my life, most of which were substantially older than me, and I know it sounds crazy to hear me mention this stage in my life and then referring to only being 13. But believe me when I tell you I was extremely advanced, but I had to grow up really quickly. Anyhow, I wanted to go out with the girls for New Year's Eve. I picked up on how easy it was for girls to get in free and get stuff for free and go to parties and I was like shit, I want that.
Speaker 1:And people would always say, oh, he's so pretty. So I said, all right, well, let's do it. I got a wig and put on some makeup and a cute little outfit and some heels and I said I'm going out with the girls. Bear in mind, I told you I live in an urban neighborhood and I forgot to mention that I grew up in an apartment building. Now, going through this little empowerment phase, I never stopped to think of the consequences that might have and I was fixated on having something for me. Well, bitch, I got exactly that. Okay, me and the girls got off the elevator New Year's Eve night and we going to the club. Well, when the elevator door opened on the first floor, when I tell you, everybody and their mother was in the lobby, everybody and their mother was in the lobby and they turning up for the new year Baby, I almost died. When I tell you, I almost D-I-E-D died.
Speaker 1:Now I'm trying to keep my head down and mosey through without anyone noticing me. Wrong, wrong. I was with these girls all the time. I hadn't made it five steps before someone yells Yo, that's Jay. Bitch, the ground could have opened up and just sucked me right up in it, like literally disappeared for life.
Speaker 1:But but from then on out, jesus, it was always something, and I spent much of my high school years trying to find myself and being the youngest of all of my friends. Trying to find myself had to happen really fast, and I was a party kid. I had nothing in common with my peers, so I dropped out of school in the 10th grade. Because I was there but I wasn't really there. Because I was there but I wasn't really there. And outside of the fact that I liked to party, dropping out of school really prevented me from having to deal with the daily bullshit. You know, I didn't have to deal with the whispers anymore, or the silence when you walk into the room, or the rumors that would come at a rapid rate or the lies that got me in just so many unnecessary situations, and I was like I had to realize that a lot of people that were around me were not because they were genuine, but because they wanted to know what I was doing, or, better yet, they wanted to know who I was doing. And it wasn't until I got burned by some so-called friends that I was really able to understand the dynamic that came with this lifestyle and with being me, dynamic that came with this lifestyle and with being me, you know. But thankfully, growing up, church was a safe haven for me and it allowed me to drown out some of the pressure from society and it provided a dual benefit of allowing me to do something that really made me feel free, and that's singing.
Speaker 1:But you know know, hindsight is 20, 20 and, looking back, these things really probably jump-started my relationship with god. So I'll take that out of that. Um, but because for quite some time that was really all I had and and my parents, they always loved me, but for a time the way that they grew up didn't really allow them to embrace the times that I was growing up in, and it wasn't really until we arrived at a love me or lose me place did things really start to change, because love was really the foundation in my household. But for a little while, you know, that whole gay thing really became problematic. Unfortunately, many people in this lifestyle do not have that opportunity to have family, take them back in and tell them they love them, and oftentimes they're thrown out and their lives are just absolutely turned around and they're, you know, discarded like garbage. However, it wasn't until I got older and settled into myself was I able to start to pick up on some of the things and the people in the church that were not as loving as they portrayed.
Speaker 1:But you know, when I grew up and got more comfortable in my own skin and in the confidence that I was not a mistake and nothing was wrong with me, I noticed how little support I truly received over the years and from my experiences with the black church and I say the black church because I have been to many churches over the years all over the country, from mega churches to storefront establishments and in the black church gays have always been tolerated for the most part as long as the gay ran or sang in the choir, because as long as the gays are doing something that can benefit the masses, then our presence is okay. In that specific capacity you're showered with love. Love when you can get the congregation to shout or shed a tear. But when it really came down to it, I realized I was never invited to outings, I was never invited to houses, I was never invited to cookouts Hell. There were many times where I organized things myself and found that no one, or little to no one showed up and it started to become really clear to me the distinction between tolerated and acceptance. And it was around that precise time that I realized that I don't give a damn about the likes and the love, but you will respect me. And that's period. Shout out to Khalees I don't care about the likes or the love, but you will respect me because I'm a kind person who is always willing to help somebody else if I can. And if you don't like me, then don't be bothered with me. But at this stage in my life I will no longer relinquish my power to someone else who wants me to feel inferior. I'm done like donecom. So let me say this Following the mass shooting that happened a couple of years ago back in Florida, I had wrote this piece that was very near and dear to my heart and I want to share that with you right now, family, because I really believe that you know it tags onto my story, but it provides a clear understanding of some of the things that I just touched on and it provides a little insight into the lives of the people in my community.
Speaker 1:So here we go. In the urban community, especially in the urban community, people oftentimes criticize and become very angry at the fact that there is a down low community, and they often criticize for not coming out the closet right, for the lack of a better term. However, who would dare to reveal themselves to people when two words have the potential of ruining your entire life forever? All you have to say is I'm gay, and that can potentially ruin your entire life forever? Like what person in their right mind would want to expose their sexual preferences when the responses that follow are oftentimes very negative? So who would want to be the topic of constant conversation or lies and discrimination, or whispering and physical abuse, verbal abuse, bullying, loss of family everyone should be afforded. The church oftentimes turns their backs on the very individuals that they embraced the Sunday before Like. Imagine the hurt and the struggle that comes when someone's family tells them they no longer want to be a part of their lives, or when the friends that you talked with yesterday ignore you and talk about you today.
Speaker 1:It's hard enough, growing up in the urban community as a black man and we're in constant fear of blue coats and blue lights, but to add insult to injury, now men and women who take the leap of courage in living the lives that they choose now have to feel whether or not they'll go down in history being the next victim of a hate crime. And for a black man who is gay and feminine, oftentimes that puts me and others like me at the bottom of the food chain in the eyes of society and in the black community and in the black church, and the fear that is associated with that is sometimes crippling and it causes people to walk around a constant observation of who's around you, who's looking at you, who's beside you, who's you know really for you and who's against you, and it creates feelings of inadequacy and shame and doubt and anxiety and depression and it can lead to drugs and promiscuity and sometimes for people, suicide. And oftentimes people will even express openly their desire to harm or even kill gay people simply because they don't agree with their lifestyle. And these days you don't necessarily have to identify as being openly gay. But for someone like myself who is visibly feminine or has stepped outside the box that was created by society, you are automatically targeted.
Speaker 1:Let me say this I didn't wake up one morning and ask to look like this, I didn't ask to sound like this or walk like this or talk like this, but I did decide not to be ashamed of who I am and I trust that God didn't make a mistake on me and I trust that God didn't make a mistake on me and I'm going to walk with my head up and not believe what people think or say about me. I'm going to live life to the fullest and I'm going to keep God first and know that he will never put more on me than I can bear. So I wrote this message to provide insight to those looking from the outside in, and I tell you this be kind to people, regardless of how you feel about their choices or their decisions, and think about what it would do to you if, suddenly, everything that you know and you love no longer wants to know and love you. So if you don't like someone, leave them alone. It's not your place to be judge and jury, because everybody wants to be loved and wants companionship and everybody should have that opportunity.
Speaker 1:Never turn away from your family. Always think before you speak, listen before you judge and pray before you react. I love you family, I really do, and if you don't take anything else away from this, be kind to people and if you can't do that, just leave them alone, because we were not commanded to like. We were commanded to love God, love ourselves, love your neighbor and love your enemy. And remember if you're not a contender, you're a pretender. Thanks for listening, you guys. See you next week.
Speaker 2:We'll come on a talk to you. Need someone to listen, looking for clarity and strategy. Reach out to the Turnaround Project. Our life coaches are here to help you on your journey to getting better, doing better and being better. Turnaround Project helping individuals learn to help themselves.