I'll Start When... (No You Won't)

We unpack the psychological trap that keeps smart people delaying their goals and mistaking avoidance for good timing. We show how to turn vague intentions into a simple, sustainable plan built on consistency, not perfect conditions. 

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Transcript

Welcome And The Real Problem

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello guys and welcome back to Heart Tart with Hads. So I've got a really good episode for you guys today. I've been doing a lot of like neuroscience research just because I feel like it's very fascinating learning how our brain works and like the psychology behind things. And so I wanted to share some of the things that I have been recently learning and just connecting the dots on the things. So let's just get let's just dive into it. One of the biggest things that I hear as a coach, and uh some of these points are related to health, fitness, whatever, but a lot of the a lot of the stuff I hear is related to mindset, and it does correlate into health and fitness, but at the same time, it's also mindset is such a big piece of changing your body, changing your health, the trajectory of it. So a lot of the times I hear I'll start whenever I have X paid off, or whenever the kids are in school, whenever summer is here, I'm a little less busy, when work slows down. Does any of that sound familiar to you? Because I hear this all of the time. And if you're somebody that does make excuses for different circumstances, I hate to tell you, but this is why you're stuck in the same loop that you've been in for years. It's not laziness and it's not lack of discipline. It really comes down to a psychological trap that 99% of people fall into. But today I kind of want to just like extract all of that and really dive deep into why this is and how we can get our gears turn turning towards a new way of living and thinking. So my goal is to give you an understanding of why this happens in general and obviously why consistency, and I talk about consistency all the time, beats waiting for ready, and then what actually is going to build sustainable momentum to pursue. It can be any goal that you have. So let's start with the trap itself because until you can name it, you can't escape it. So I want you to think about something that you continuously tell yourself that you are holding back on something when you know that specific thing that you're using as a label or an excuse is the thing that would actually get you forward, move you forward. As far as delaying a goal or starting something, this just goes back into how our brains are wired, and our brains are wired to delay uncomfortable things. Our brains are wired for comfortability. The goal feels safe and exciting as long as it is living in the future because it doesn't require anything of us yet. It's just something that we are thinking of, and we know that oh, once X happens, then I will do that. We are futuristic thinking, and so the desirability is high. The problem is we keep manufacturing different reasons to keep it there, to keep it in the future instead of okay, doing it right now. Like I said in the beginning, we set conditions for ourselves when X is paid off, when the kids are older, when things calm down. All of these things happen, but when they happen in real time, you still don't do anything about it. And if they are met, you find new conditions, you find new things to say. You know, we said when X is paid off, when kids are older, when summer's here, and now it's like, oh, when my grandkids get to a certain age, whenever my husband does XYZ, whatever it is, we set new conditions for ourselves to not start to take action. And I do want to just preface and say, like, this is not an attack on your character, but it's simply about your brain protecting yourself from the discomfort of change and the vulnerability of actually trying. I think way too many people are so fixated on them trying something and then them failing. Everybody is so scared of failing, and that is part of the reason why they stay stuck, why they stay inside of their comfort zone. But I really think a lot of it too is that people are actually scared of what they are capable of because the comfortability feels more safe than knowing, oh shoot, I'm actually could be somewhere better than I am right now. Like I said, it's about your brain protecting itself from the discomfort of change and the vulnerability of actually trying. But when you name this, it removes the shame from it, but it does not excuse staying sucked. I'm gonna dive deep a little bit on why goals can feel really clear from a distance. So going back to what I said in the point of whenever you say something like that's futuristic away, of I'm going to get healthy when X, and then once X comes and it's like, oh, I actually have to act on it now, that's when it becomes hard. So thinking about a goal, a decision, or a big change, we think about it in broad, abstract terms of I'm gonna get healthy. I hear my mom say this all the time. She's like, I'm gonna get with it. I'm gonna get out of another example is I'm gonna get out of debt. It sounds clean, easy, it feels possible. There's no friction because there's no detail. All you're saying is, I'm going to do X, but you're not laying out the things that you're going to have to do every day, every week, every month to make sure that you're actually getting those goals. The goals themselves are way too broad. You gotta be way more specific. I want to lose 10 pounds. What am I gonna do every single day to make sure that I do lose the 10 pounds? I'm gonna get out of debt. How much am I gonna pay off each month to make sure that I am out of that? How much do I need to put back and save? Everything needs a clear roadmap. And I think this is why a lot of people are stuck because they don't actually sit down, take the time to work through and think through all the little nitty-gritty details that are that it needs to get to there. And instead they just label it this big thing, say, Oh, I don't know what to do, get overwhelmed, frustrated, and then never make any progress towards it. And then coming, going back to the point whenever it gets close, when like next year becomes next week or this week or tomorrow, suddenly, all of a sudden, it's like, oh shoot, how am I gonna do this? But if you actually were to like think through this process and come up with your process while you're waiting for this time to come, you would actually get be able to do it because you have the how right in front of you. But the how typically is full of inconvenience, trade-offs, discomfort, and unknowns that didn't exist when this was still still theoretical. Using the retirement weight loss example, I'm going to lose weight and tone up once I retire. I'm literally just saying all this because this is what my mom has been in my ear for for the last year and a half, I feel like. It sounds solid for me, Era. I'm like, yeah, of course. But then retire and suddenly bad knees, no gym routine, a routineless schedule, and a whole new set of excuses that didn't exist in the plan. So it's gonna be for her, for example, of just coming up with the plan that she actually needs to be able to move forward. The key concept that I'm trying to get here is the further away the goal is, the more desirable it becomes, and the simpler it seems, but the closer that it gets, the more the how expands the feasible and the feasibility shrinks. This is a psychological pattern. This is not necessarily like, oh, you're a failure of a person because you do this. This is just you've probably done this with so many aspects of your life, and look where it's gotten you. So, one thing that I really want to emphasize is the how people will take a realistic goal and unconsciously catastrophize the process. I have to meal prep every Sunday, go to the gym six days a week, give up everything I enjoy, and somehow have the energy of a 22-year-old. None of that was in the original plan. It's it got added and over-exaggerated when the goal became real and right in front of you. The more overwhelming the how becomes, the easier it is to decide that it isn't the right time. I'll start fresh on Monday after the holidays, once things calm down and the delay gets repackaged basically as this new strategy. But the reframe for you is the how, the how does not have to be as big as we're making it seem. The first step is never going to be complex as the whole plan. Think of it in this way: you're not building the whole staircase in one sitting, you're just stepping on the first step. And so many people are looking up of like, this is that goal, but they're not even focusing on this one first step that they have to climb. And that can be as simple as going on a walk every day. It can be as simple as I'm gonna drink more water, I'm gonna eat breakfast. Like these are all steps towards that bigger goal that you see. But whenever you're first starting, you're trying to do so many things at once because you're like, oh, I have this goal. Now this is the how, this is exactly what I'm gonna do. And while yes, you will make good progress by doing that, you also will quick quickly burn yourself out because you're not used to doing that much. Now I'm gonna kind of focus on the why versus the how. The why is almost always positive. I want to feel good in my body, I want to have good energy for my kids, my grandkids, I want to feel proud of myself. These are good whys. It's emotional, and usually, like if you have an emotional tie, that should be enough. But the how is what's uncomfortable. It's waking up early, it's saying no to things, it's being tired, it's being a beginner, which a lot, not a lot of people like to be a beginner, but the how requires sacrifice and it requires you to start from a place that doesn't feel great. Like that just feels like, wow, this sucks, I'm overweight, I feel like crap, and I'm starting. And so many people don't want to start simply because they're coming from a place of unwell. Most people let the how override the why. And the big thing that I want to emphasize is the how is just the temporary friction. It's not the destination, but the why has to be strong enough to make you tolerate the how, the uncomfortable little things. So, for example, say your why is for me, my my current why is I'm gonna lose weight because I have a photo shoot, I'm getting dressed or I'm getting my wedding dress, all these things that I want to look good for. And these things are emotional, emotional for me because it's important for me to look good, feel good in that moment so that I can genuinely feel good in my body about what I'm doing. And so when I think about that versus like, oh, I don't want to get up today, I don't want to go on my walk, I don't want to prep my meals, I don't want to do that, I'm like, okay, but look at the why. Every single time you have to resort back to that why. And your why genuinely has to be strong enough. No matter what why I make, it's typically very strong, and that's why I'm able to stick to things long term. So now that we know why we delay, let's talk about what actually works instead, and it's probably not what you are going to be expecting. The big thing that I want to emphasize here is be a distance runner and not a sprinter. I think far too many people, like I said, trying to race up these steps, but then it's just not all that it's cracked up to be. So consistency always is going to win, and I talk about this all the time. But a sprinter trains for peak output in perfect conditions. But a distance runner is one that maintains pace in all conditions, in wind, fatigue, heat, bad days. Your goals need to be distance runner goals. You need a pace that you can hold when life is messy and when not everything is aligned and perfect. Too many people make a plan that only works when everything is perfect. Meal prepped in pr pood, meal prepped food in the fridge, a two-hour window at the gym, no social events, no travel, no stress. That plan will fail. And it's not because you're weak minded, but it's because that life is always going to throw curveballs at you. The better question that every that you should ask yourself is what can I actually do when things aren't perfect? And the system that I have so many of my clients do. I'm like, what are your bare minimum non-negotiables that you can make happen when life is crazy? Is it a 20-minute workout at home? Is it drinking your water, getting in your water? Is it hitting your protein, even if that looks like shoot, I'm on the go. I have to stop at the gas station and grab a beef steak, whatever it is. Like, what is the thing? And then a decent meal beats not eating at all. Doing something consistently and imperfectly is going to compound into massive results. And I think people just don't believe that. I think people believe that they need to be perfect, but doing something perfectly and inconsistently compounds into nothing. Next thing I want to iterate is everybody starts from a place of suck. And I don't think people like to hear this, but nobody ever got good at something or better at something because they just started being good at it. No, there's not a single person who had a great first workout, nailed their first week of eating, or felt good in the beginning. The beginning is always the most uncomfortable part. That is not a sign that you're doing it wrong. It's literally just how it goes. Get that through your head. The discomfort you feel at the start is the start. It doesn't mean that you're not cut out for it. It means that that is exactly where you're supposed to be. That's just the nature of anything. Do you think that LeBron James, when he first started, was the number one basketball player ever? No. It started as him sucking, him showing up over and over and over and over and over again. People who wait until they feel ready are waiting for a feeling that only comes from doing the thing. You cannot feel ready unless you are in it doing the thing. You don't get confidence before you start, you get it because you started. Let me say that again. You don't get confidence before you start something, you get it because you started. The readiness that you're waiting for is on the other side of beginning of starting. People are so incredibly creative when it comes to not doing the hard thing. The justifications are always very reasonable, sounding I didn't sleep well, it's a holiday week, I have a wedding this week, I'm too stressed, work is crazy, it'll throw off my whole plan if I do it halfway. These are all real, legitimate things, but these are the things specifically that are stopping you, that frame of mindset. What's really happening is your brain has decided avoiding discomfort is more important right now than your goal. And so it's constructing a reasonable case for that decision. The justification comes second, the avoidance comes first. So you're avoiding the thing and then you're justifying why you're avoiding the thing. It's not motivation. I hate the word motivation, but it's a decision that you make in advance before the thing happens. Knowing I'm gonna be having a stressful week. These are the days that I'm going to be fitting in. And I think so many people just do not sit down and like look at their schedule and are like, where can I fit this in so that I can still be working towards my goals? People do not do that. And that is why they will never get to where they want to be. Knowing that you have a stressful, busy schedule or whatever it is, and then making plans to work your work things in around that is what's going to get you further. I work out on these days, I don't negotiate with myself on these days, period. That's what you have to tell yourself. Like, end of the sentence, there's not a run-on, but if, no, period. Remove the decision from the equation and you remove the opportunity for justification to actually compound on these wins. No days is going to be perfect. Do it anyways. That's it. That's literally it. Every time you give up, not take a rest day, not adjust the plan, but actually quit. You are reinforcing a story. And that story is this doesn't work for me. And this right here is you writing evidence for the belief that you are somebody who does not follow through. I'll never be healthy. I always quit. I'm just not that kind of person. These are identities that get built one at a time. And if you continuously tell yourself these things, this is what becomes your reality. Every time you show up, though, imperfectly, you're writing new evidence for yourself. I'm someone who does this even when it's hard. Small and consistent beats big and sporadic when you're trying to change your identity of who you actually are. Now let's actually get practical so that we can build something that you can run on. So I think the biggest thing is finding what actually makes you tick and motivates you. There's a difference between doing something because you love it and doing it because you want approval from others, extrinsic motivation. So chasing a certain look for other people, wanting to be praised, doing it because you think you should, that runs out fast. But when you have that intrinsic motivation inside, when you actually find the love for it, you feel better. It aligns with who you want to be. This is what keeps you running. And when the novelty, when the newness wears off and nobody's watching, you can keep going. I would definitely sit with why you actually want said goal. Not what sounds good, but like the real one that's coming up for you. If it's for somebody else or to meet a standard that's not really yours, that is very important because you're always going to find a reason to quit something if you're doing it for the wrong reason. That's a big one. You will always find a reason to quit something if you're not doing it for the right reason. Couple little things that I want to add in there is consistency is going to build power. The more consistently you do something, the more capable you become. Not just physically, obviously, but mentally. This is how you build trust with yourself and your identity around that behavior. You stop spending energy on deciding whether to do it because it's just what you do, and that compounding effect does add up, and every single person is capable of it. But this only happens through reps, and there's literally no shortcut to consistency. You have to continuously accumulate it. Build in a reset. I think this is really important that everybody needs to do is find a non-destructive way to reset each week. This is not a cheat day that turns into a cheat weekend. It's a ritual and something that clears up the slate mentally and physically so that you can start fresh without blowing everything up. It might look like Sunday you do a long walk, a meal that you love that still supports your goals. But the point is that you have a rhythm that still accommodates the humanness so that when a hard week happens, you still have a like built-in recovery path that isn't quitting, but maybe it's just pulling back a little bit. So I think something that you can do is identify five things you can do most days that move you closer to your goals. Just five things. It doesn't have to be a 12-step thing, just five actions that you can do on a normal day. Run those for two to three months, and then kind of assess your goals based on the legit data, not your feelings, but the data. And then if you need to adjust based off that, do that. But I think this helps people stay aligned with their goals while also changing things here and there. Last thing that I want to cover is there are going to be people that are you think are extreme when in reality they chose to be extreme. And I think way too many people are judging other people for them being quote unquote extreme. But some people thrive in extremes. They go all in, they don't want balance, they want to push hard and it works for them. I think that we need to stop judging that and we need to stop calling it unhealthy because it doesn't match your approach. My approach doesn't need to match your approach. I think what we can do is celebrate people who find what works for them, even if that thing is not necessarily for you. And I often also want to preface and say this is my opinion, but the goal is not universal balance. The goal is yours to sustainable, whatever that looks like for you and your body and your schedule. What works for somebody else is irrelevant unless it inspires you to find your own version of it from it. So just to kind of close everything all together, the mindset trap is definitely real, but I also think that it is beatable in just hearing some of these things that I talk about of yes, it is uncomfortable. The how is very uncomfortable, but it is also temporary. And the gap between who you are and who you want to be is not closed by waiting to be ready. It's closed by showing up in the middle, in the messy, in the Imperfection. And I just want to say that the people who are successful in what they do do not wait for the right time. The right time is today. And someday doesn't exist on a calendar. Today does. So go use it. This is what I've got for you guys today. This is just some of the notes that I took from my learnings and readings. And so I hope you guys like this. I kind of more looked off my computer and my notes from this to kind of put this into an episode. But I hope you guys enjoyed this little tidbit and hopefully it gave you not inspiration, not motivation, but like real life things that you can do and work on to make the goals happen for you. So love you guys, and I'll see you in the next episode.