Navigating Divorce: Insights from a Divorce Coach Who’s Been There

With over 20 years of experience as a therapist, teacher, and school counselor, Cari D'Angelo has witnessed the impact of divorce on families. Having gone through two divorces herself, she understands the emotional and co-parenting challenges. After struggling with mediation and legal expenses, she found peace in single parenting. 

This, along with her professional background, led her to become a Certified Divorce Coach. Cari’s mission is to help parents and children navigate divorce more smoothly, minimizing emotional and legal challenges for the best outcomes.

They discuss the challenges and realities of single parenting, the emotional journey through divorce, and the transition into coaching. Cari shares her insights on co-parenting dynamics, the importance of putting children first, and the unique challenges faced by single parents. The conversation emphasizes the need for support networks and the role of coaching in navigating divorce and parenting.

Takeaways

1. Ensure stability for your children.
2. Build a reliable support system.
3. Prioritize emotional validation.

Timestamps

00:00 Met Cari D, experienced therapist and counselor.
04:09 Single parents face different challenges than married parents.
09:40 Natural progression: Teacher to school counselor transition.
12:39 Coaches offer diverse expertise for different needs.
15:52 Help parents prioritize children, not control them.
20:05 Started as 35/65 custody split, then moved.
23:04 I make decisions; prefer a partner's involvement.
26:10 Readiness to start is key in coaching.
27:07 Consider options and build your divorce team.
30:20 Clients from Google, directory, and Instagram.

🔗 Connect with Cari D'Angelo
Instagram: coaching_with_cari
Email: cari@coachingwithcari.com
Website: www.coaching withcari.com

🔗 Connect with Jessica Anger and Carrie Wiesenfeld:
Instagram | info@parentcoachesunleashed.com
Soaring Hawk Life Coaching |  Ocean Waves Parenting

Transcript

0:02

Welcome to parent coaches unleashed with Carrie and Jessica, where no topics are taboo or off limits. Join us as we let loose and discuss the real raw feelings about parenting. In each episode, we will bring you heartfelt discussions, real life stories, and special guests that will both entertain you and encourage community so no one feels alone in their parenting journey. Thanks so much for listening. Now let's start the show. Hi, everybody. Today, we have the privilege of having a very unusual situation. We have 2 Karis. We have our Kari, and then we have Carrie D'Angelo. We're going to maybe be referencing her as Carrie d so we don't get confused while listening, or for us talking. I might get confused. Yeah. We don't wanna confuse our Carrie. And you say Carrie, I might, like, provide an answer, so we'll say I'll try to, maybe I'll do less talking and more listening today. So Okay. Well, why don't you start by just introducing Carrie? Alright. Carrie Dee, that is. Carrie Dee. So I actually had the privilege of meeting Carrie Dee about 5 or 6 years ago. She was the school counselor at an elementary school where I volunteered, and I was a listener in the listening program of Broward County School. So I met her in a different capacity, but it was, you know, nice to reconnect with her as we are both now doing different careers. And so it'll be really nice today to catch up and hear about Carrie d's new career. That's gonna lead me into Carrie D'Angelo has over 20 years of experience as a therapist, a teacher, and a school counselor, so lots of different hats Carrie d wears. And a lot of experience too. Yes. She is also a single parent who has experienced 2 divorces, one involving addiction, and the second which came as a complete shock. She also experienced divorce as a child herself and wished that her own mom had help after her own divorce navigating both the emotional and co parenting challenges. So after her own struggles, including failed mediation and significant legal expenses, Carrie has found peace and strength in single parenting. So, clearly, we're gonna talk a lot about this today. These personal experiences combined with her professional background led her to become a certified divorce coach. So we welcome Carrie to our show and episode today. And Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for joining us. I'm just gonna jump right in. On a previous podcast episode, we interviewed a single dad and got his perspective on single parenting. So first off, Carrie, as a single mom, can you share with us what your experience has been like raising your son? And you have one. Correct? Just one? I do. I have one. He is going to be 9 next month, so he's still in that school age. His dad and I split up when he was 3, so he was really little. Now at this point in my single parenthood, I have him about 90% of the time, which I think is unusual. So I wanted to kinda mention that because it's not that typical 5050 that most people have. Sure. Okay. But I think, like, you know, I talk to a lot of people and some of my friends that are in unhappy marriages, and they say, like, I'm a single married mom. Right? Like, I'm married, but I'm doing all these things by myself. And I'm like, well, not not really. Because you can still go to the gym at 5 AM if you wanted to because

there's another adult in the house, or you could run to Target at 8: 4:30

30 at night because there's another adult at in the house. As a single parent, that changes for you drastically. Sure. Also, another big thing that people don't realize is, you know, yes, you're without that spouse, maybe the headache or maybe the fighting or maybe the mistrust. You lose all of all of those negative things, but you also lose some time with your children. Right? Like, you might lose some holidays. You might lose some birthdays. You might lose that, you know, huge Thanksgiving get together that you guys always went to every year. Now that's different. Right. Right? So single parenting is different for a lot of people. Some people have a lot of family support. I don't, so that's a little bit different. Some people have a whole village of single parents that they're also friends with that they can kind of, like, share that responsibility of who's picking up from school and who's dropping off to camp and things like that, so it's different for everybody and you kind of have to figure out what works best for you and your situation. And so at this point, how long have you been divorced, and, like, how long has it taken you to figure out your stride in single parenting? Yeah. So my ex and I split up about five and a half years ago, and the divorce was finalized 4 years ago, I would say. I would say that I I pretty much that 1st year or 2 was rough going through the emotions of it and, like you mentioned, the very high legal bills. Mhmm. Figuring out, like, what I wanted, him figuring out what he wanted as far as, like, developing the parenting plan and the marital settlement agreement and all of that, but I would say the past 3 years at least, 3 out of 5, have been pretty great. I found my stride. We've got a system, you know, adjusting to different things. I kind of came up with a, spin on, you know, sharing holidays when I don't have him. So just kind of getting creative and kind of, like, owning it and not sitting in a puddle of pity and crying in the corner. So you say that the last that this happened five and a half years ago, and the last 3, 4 years have been good ones. Yeah. When you were going through your divorce, did you have other than your lawyer, did you I know you say now you don't have a lot of family support, but did you have support then? Who did you turn to when you had questions about what you were going through or even just dealing with the emotions of what you are working on? Yeah. So my dad, unfortunately, my dad had some experience with divorce, so I would go to him a lot. And I think being, you know, not I would go to him a lot. And I think being, you know, not to be, like, stereotypical, but being a man, he's a little bit less or he was a little bit less emotional about things. So that was always his advice to me. Like, you need to take the emotion out of it. You need to take the emotion out of it. Well, as a, you know, 40 year old woman getting a divorce with a 3 year old, that was really hard to do. Yeah. He did give me some some good solid advice about, you know, what to stick with, what to be flexible on, how to move forward, how to plan financially, things like that. Mhmm. But that emotional support, I really leaned on a couple of my friends. Okay. I didn't you know, unfortunately, five and a half years ago, I didn't know that divorce coaching was a thing. Right. And I feel like a lot of people still don't know Yep. Divorce coaching is a thing. So like I had mentioned when Carrie was reading my kinda introduction, I wish my mom had that in the nineties. I certainly wish that I would have had a divorce coach to validate all those feelings of, like, oh my gosh. There must be something wrong with me or, like, I can't miss anything with my child. You know? I'm gonna be replaced by this new significant other. Just all of those kind of fears Yeah. That come into place, like, that's all normal stuff. And it I imagine it's it's there are things that come up that you don't think about unless you're going through it. Right. Right. So then where did you make the transition into coaching? Where did you say, This this is what I wanna do? Yeah. So like Carrie was also saying, like, the 20 years experience you know, I have a master's degree in marriage and family therapy. I've always kind of been a helper. I've always been the person people call to vent to, to get advice from, all of that kind of stuff, and I enjoy that. It really fills my cup to help other people. Right? So Me too, Carrie. Maybe it maybe it comes with the name. Maybe it comes with the name. Maybe it comes with the name. But, you know, I having that background and then being that classroom teacher and having those families trust me with their child all day Mhmm. And then becoming the school counselor where now I don't have 20 kids, I have a 1000 families that are coming to me. I feel like it was kind of a natural progression with given my my personal history with experiencing divorce in different ways, but three times throughout my life and then my professional background as well, kind of it just kinda came together. I was kind of tired of the of the public school rules and politics, and I was like, how can I do something with what I already have? Right? Because I have a big bag of tools. You know? And as Carrie was reading it, I was kind of like, wow. Yeah. I did that. Yeah. I did that. I know it's I'm pretty impressive. It was nice. It was nice to hear, but it was kind of like, how can I use all of that and continue to help other people? Right? It was part of your decision, was there any influence over the fact that maybe you being a single parent now, did you need to have more flexibility, or was it just truly you were really digging deep about what it was that you wanted to do at this stage of your life? I mean, I feel like if both is an answer, I'm gonna go with both because, you know, I also have lost both of my parents. Right? So having that experience of, you know, my mom passed away when I was pregnant with my son. My dad passed away about two and a half years ago before I started this coaching journey. And I was kind of like, we don't get these days back. We don't get this opportunity back, so I need to do the best I can with what I have. So I wanna be there for my son. I wanna volunteer in the classroom. I wanna go on the field trips. I wanna be able to do all of that, and this coaching business has given me the freedom to do that, but also fills my cup because I can help other people with the things that I've personally experienced. You know? Like, I've walked the path. I've been there. And the more people that I talk to about my personal experience, the more people are like, oh, wow. Oh, so you've been through it. And I'm kind of like, yeah. I don't realize how uncommon it is, I guess. Do you find that not having a background in divorce law, do you find that that has and does that weigh one way or another on your coaching style, or do you feel like you gained enough knowledge from your own experiences to guide people through whatever processes they're going through? Yeah. I think that there's pros and cons to everything. Right? Like, I know that there's coaches that have more of the law background, and they can kind of come at it from a different angle than I can, and we can both serve different people for different stages of their life. I think that I kind of come approach divorce from the emotional side of it. I mean, yes, I am very much of a a to do list person and, like, I wanna check things off the list. So if you have the financial affidavit looming over your head, we're gonna try to get that done. But I'm not the type of coach that's gonna say, hey. You need to get this done, and I'll talk to you in a week when it's all done. If it's not done, I'm like, okay. What got in the way? Do you wanna do 5 pages together? Like, how can we get this done? Because it's just a different style. I don't think that one is right or one is wrong. I think it's just different for different people. Through my life, I've had different therapists, right, and some have given me that tough love, right, of, like, psh, psh, what's wrong with you? You know? And then some are like, oh, no. Come here. Give me a hug, you know, and have more of that motherly comforting aspect. Yeah. The validation. And they've both been good for me at that time. They were exactly what I needed at that time. Okay. So I think it just depends on on the person and what they need. Some people need a lot of handholding, and some people just need a kick in the butt. Right. So I guess hiring a divorce coach would then be similar to hiring a therapist where you need to have that consultation, see if the personalities align or that you feel comfortable walking the path right together. Does that, you know, does that make Yeah. And I would and I would say one you know, a lot of people because coaching is on the newer side of things. Right? I would say one distinction that people should have is that coaching for me and my coaching. It's more about, like, meeting you where you're at and moving you forward. Mhmm. Where sometimes therapists, it's more about, like, looking into your past and your family of origin and possibly diagnosis or talking about medication. Mhmm. And for me, that's not how coaching works. Right. So I think, you know, depending on, again, what you're looking for and what you want, you know, coaching might be might be the right choice for you and then deciding which coach is a good fit for you as well. So you've had the unique experience of working with both parents and children Mhmm. In your line of work. Do you bring that to your coaching style as well-being able to help identify different parenting styles? Mhmm. And how does that play into the whole parenting plan? So what I have learned through the 20 years of of working with kids and working with parents is that kids don't have a lot of control. Right? They don't you know, getting getting mad at a 3rd grader because they're late to school when their parents drove them to school, it it doesn't make a lot of sense. Right? Mhmm. So kids don't have a lot of control who their parents are, if their parents are married, if their parents get divorced. Right? But the parents have that impact. So my work, my mission is to help parents put their kids first. Not in the middle, but first. Right? So they're thinking about what's best for little Johnny, you know, for the holiday time. Right? Is it better to go to, you know, mom's house in the morning for Thanksgiving and dad's house in the afternoon for Thanksgiving? Is that better, or should we flip flop, you know, odd years and even years? What's best for the kids? Not mom and dad, but the child. Do you find you have to point that out often? I find that I have to remind them. I think most parents do want to put their kids first, and they care about their kids and they want what's best for their kids, but sometimes they lose sight of that because they only can focus on the bull's eye Yeah. On their ex. Does Johnny have a say? It depends on how old Johnny is. Okay. Right? Like, I think that, you know, the 6 year old that, no, I don't wanna go to mom's house or I don't wanna go to dad's house because whatever parent has rules and screen time limits and expectations and things like that, of course, little Johnny doesn't wanna go to their house, because they have to, like, do their homework. Right? But I think when kids get older, I think they should have more of a say. You know? Okay. Can you explain to us how you parent alongside an ex spouse. Right? So how does that work? Is it truly co parenting? Is there a way for it to be 5050 support even though you're saying your son stays with you 90% of the time? Is there a way for that to be shared evenly, or is it lopsided? And I guess speaking from your perspective would be probably the most helpful. Right. So there's a couple of different parenting vocabulary words. Right? There's the co parenting that we always hear about. The co parenting is, like, truly, we're co pilots. We're helping each other out. If you can't pick up from soccer, I'll pick up from soccer even if it's not my day. Your co pilots, your co parents. Right? Then there's something called parallel parenting, where I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do, you're gonna do what you're gonna do, and we're parallel next to each other. Right? We're not really helping each other out, but we're we're not against each other. Right? And then there's counter parenting where, you know, mom says soccer is great, dad says soccer is terrible. Dad says, you know, football is great, mom says football is terrible. So there's a couple of different things. Now you can imagine what's best for kids. Poor Johnny. I know. You can imagine what's best for kids is that co parenting. Right? That, like, we're all getting together. We can have birthday parties together. We don't have to do everything separately, and the parents are getting along for the best of Johnny. Right? For me and my situation, personally, it's a little bit different because dad lives in Ohio. I'm in South Florida. Okay. So nobody's picking up from soccer unless it's me. You know? Wait. Just time out for one second. I'm just it's something I'm curious about. In your divorce agreement, was there something that said one parent is able to move out of state? How does that work? So our agreement has morphed over the past few years. Okay. Originally, he lived here in the same county as I did or do, and he was, like, 20 or 30 minutes away. And at that time, I think that our time sharing split was more like 3565, and that's that's what he wanted. Right? So that was what we did. I know that 5050 is great. 5050 is kind of where the judge draws the line, but if the 2 parents want something besides 5050, if they wanna get creative and they agree on it, that's totally fine. Right? Like, that'll be signed off on. So I think we started out at that 3565. About a year after the divorce was finalized, he moved about 2 hours away. So our time sharing changed, but I didn't go and change the document. So it didn't have to be changed in court. You just had to work with him. Ourselves. Right? So he lived about 2 hours away. That lasted for about a year, and then he moved to Ohio. Was he still able to keep the 35.65 or no? You went down? Okay. No. It was it was less than that because then it was basically just every other weekend, and then, like, the holiday time sharing and summers were a little bit different, but it was much less than than 35%. I don't know what it was. It wasn't worth me figuring out the numbers. Yep. But then after that, he moved to Ohio. He has a younger son, and the younger son and mother were in Ohio, so he went to Ohio. And he's been there for about 2 a little over 2 years. So at that point, I was like, hey. We need to redo the parenting plan because time sharing is drastically different. Yeah. He had gotten a different job. We needed to look at, you know, child support and things like that a little bit differently. I wanted to change, like, who was responsible for health insurance, things like that. So the 90, 10 is what it is for us. I don't think that it's ideal for kids. I think that there's pro again, pros and cons. Right? Like, it's more consistent for my son. Sure. He doesn't have to lug things back and forth between houses. Mhmm. It's consistent like that, but he doesn't have as much time with his dad. You know? And that's unfortunate because I do think that, you know, most parents are good parents, and kids need good parents. Yeah. I don't remember what we were talking about before we I interrupted, but we were talking about the different styles. We were talking about co parenting, co parenting, and counter parenting. Alright. That journey. So I think, like, right now, I would say that in my situation, we're probably more parallel parenting. It's hard to co parent when you're a 1000 miles away from each other. Sure. Do you still talk about things in as they pertain to parenting or, like, Johnny's going through this right now. Do you have any thoughts or experience with it, or do you just make all of the decisions? Fortunately, unfortunately, I used to make a lot of the decisions when we were together, and I have been tasked with that now. So I pretty much make all of the decisions. There might be some things that I'm like, hey. Here's a big hurdle, and what do you think? But it's mainly just me sharing what's going on. I would like him to be more involved, to be honest with you, but you can't make anybody do something that they don't wanna do. So I just kind of do the best I can with my son and and what I can control and, you know, let it ride. Is that a conversation that parents have? Like, how involved do you wanna be, or I would like you to be more involved? Like, obviously, you can't force someone like you're saying to be more involved, but Right. You can express your wishes that it it would be more helpful to Johnny if you were if you took part in a, b, and c. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, I personally have had that conversation a few times. Mhmm. Because it's been five and a half years. Right? And we circle back and things like that. But I would I would advise other people, other parents to have that conversation for the best interest of your child. You know? Like, hey. He's really struggling with this, or he's struggling with that, or he did a great job with this or that. You know? Honor roll or sports or his team won or whatever the case is. Like, having that other parent kind of more involved, I think, makes all the difference in the world because I think there's something ingrained in us as children that we want our parents' approval. We want our parents' love. We want our parents to, you know, think that we're the bee's knees. And if you're not hearing that from your parent, you're kind of wondering, like, you know, how am I doing? Right. It's all about being seen and heard for kids. Showing up. Just showing up. Right? Like The first step in parenting, show up for your kid. So do you feel like that you have to provide both for your child? Yes. Yes. I do. I and I'm also well aware that I can't. Right. Right? Like, I can't do both. I do my very best to, you know, wrestle on the couch and throw the football in the backyard and do those more typical dad kind of things, but I also know that I'm mom. You know? So it's taken me a while to realize that, like, that doesn't mean that I'm any less. Right? Like Of course. That is not to my shortcoming. It's not a cup that I have to fill. It's not a cup that I'm responsible to fill. I'm just really aware of it, and I do the best I can to, you know, toss a splash in there every once in a while. So if someone is going through a divorce, when would you tell them to seek advice from a coach? Is there a sweet spot? Is there a time that makes the best sense to reach out to you? So a coach, for me at least, in my coaching, I think that somebody could reach out at any point in it. Right? I think that more importantly than where you are at in the process is that you're ready to get started with the coach. If somebody calls me and they're, like, you know, I'm really miserable, I wanna get a divorce, this is the reason I wanna get a divorce, but I haven't done anything, you're my first phone call, but I'm ready. I'm gonna start working with them on, okay, do you really want a divorce? Do you know what divorce looks like? Do you have children? Do you understand that you're you might not have every Thanksgiving, you might not have every birthday. Is that okay with you? You know, like, the reality of divorce. Right? And then I'm gonna be talking to them about what's going on with them, like validating all of those feelings. Then we're gonna start building the team of professionals that they might need. They might need a financial adviser that's familiar with the divorce. They will likely need a a divorce attorney. What kind of divorce attorney? Collaborative? Mediator? There's a lot of options that people don't realize. Do they need a realtor to sell their house that's familiar with divorce? So building that team and then kind of working on the documents that are associated with divorce, you know, the parenting plan, the marital settlement agreement, and building those with something that they can live with because this is you know, some of the parenting plan, you can go back and adjust, but the the marital settlement agreement, once it's done, it's done. So, you know, a a a client could call me at the very beginning. They could call me. I have a client right now who hired in a divorce attorney, got started with the process, served her soon to be ex husband with the paperwork, is getting ready to go to mediation, crickets from her attorney. She's like, I need a new attorney. No problem. I have people. So, you know, calling me in that situation, that's fine, or I actually finished with her. I had another client who she finished her divorce. Her divorce was over. It's been years. She needs to redo the parenting plan. Right? So coming back and talking about that and, like, what's best for again, what's best for your kids. Right. And figuring that out, that's another time. Or even, like, maybe your parenting plan is fine, and you just maybe you met somebody new and you're getting married, or maybe your ex is getting married, and you're trying to figure out, like, what is this gonna look like? How is this co parenting gonna be? Or maybe your ex is expecting a baby with somebody else. What's that gonna be like? So there's a lot of different times that that working with a divorce coach would make sense and be beneficial. And it sounds like because you're in South Florida, is that way your your teams and where your where you know the most people, can you work with people out of state, or do you prefer to keep it strictly to, yeah, local people? So when I meet with clients, I either do a Zoom session Mhmm. Or a phone call. So I have a client that's in California, right, which is totally fine. Now I would say that I have more people in South Florida, but I also have a mediator that's in Chicago. I have a divorce realtor that's in Orlando. I have another mediator that's in Jacksonville. So I've built a referral bank that is all over the place. Right? Because I'm constantly trying to connect with people on LinkedIn and then having Zoom sessions to get to know them. So they can get to know me, and I can get to know them because if I have a client that's in Oklahoma, I wanna be able to have a couple of people to refer them to. You know? So, primarily, this is you networking referrals. Right? This is how someone most likely would find you. Correct? It's through a referral, a divorce attorney, maybe a Google, Sarah. Instagram. Okay. Going on podcasts. Going on podcasts. Yeah. Just all of those kind of things. You know? Like, I have a client right now. He found me on Google. I have another client who where I got my divorce certification from, they have a directory Sure. That all of the graduates are listed there. I've actually, this is my second client that I've gotten from that directory. So variety of different places, you know, I have a couple of people that have reached out to me via Instagram. Hey. I saw your reel. I really liked it. Yeah. So add another hat. Now you're, like, networking social media specialist in addition to coaching and full time single parenting. Right. Kudos to you, Carrie. Yeah. I'm exhausted. I need a nap. I'm exhausted for you. No wonder I need cough drops. And coffee. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. If somebody's listening and wants to reach out to you, what is the best way for them to get in contact with you? So I have a a Calendly, link that they can set up a free meet and greet with me. Okay. They can find that either on my website, www.coachingwithcarrie.com, or on my Instagram, coaching_with_cari. And not to be confused with our cari, it's c a r I. Yes. Yes. But I think most of the time, if you type in coaching_ with underscore c a, it I might pop up. I'm hoping I will. Well, we'll put those links in our podcast link. Yeah. That's that's the best way to get started and kind of you know, I I kinda direct a lot of people to my Instagram because they can see the kind of my underlying message of, like, I'm really focused on kids. You know? I really want what's best for kids, people to be good parents, people to be good co parents so they can raise good kids. That is what Carrie and I that is our message all the time. We are here to help raise good humans. Humans. Yes. Yes. Yes. So thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing our message as well as yours. If you have any questions for Carrie, Carrie d, that is, or or our Carrie, you can, reach out to Carrie on her links that we've provided, or you could always contact us with any questions you have at info at parent coaches unleashed dot com. Thanks for being with us today. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this episode of parent coaches unleashed with Carrie and Jessica. Together, we can raise the next generation of independent, capable, and compassionate young adults. We encourage you to send us an email with questions and feedback to info at parent coaches unleashed.com. Please remember you are not alone on this parenting journey.