Grief & Triggers with my Man Children

Grief can sneak up on you in the quiet after the routines end. When the youngest finishes school and the oldest turns 30, the house feels different, the weekends lose their map, and you start to ask, who am I now that no one needs me at the sidelines? I share the real, unpolished story of how those milestones pulled hidden threads—old Bathurst memories, a brush with postnatal depression, and the sting of feeling invisible—and how naming them helped me find steadier ground.

We explore the subtle losses that come with midlife: the vanishing school drop-offs, the end of team sport Sundays, and the social glue of familiar faces. A 30th birthday at Pearl Beach brings pride and a surprising ache as childhood friends return as partners and parents. Digitising old VHS tapes turns into a time machine, making joy and melancholy sit side by side. Then a TV snippet of Bathurst reopens 1995, reminding me that trauma doesn’t need to be capital T to carve deep grooves. With support, I learned to call it what it was and to let grief be part of growth, not a sign of failure.

This is a raw, solo passion project—no producers, no music, just honest reflection about depression, identity shifts, and the search for purpose when motherhood changes shape. I talk through practical ways to rebuild structure and community, from small rituals to creative work that restores agency. If you’ve wondered where you fit once the routines fade, you’ll find language here for what hurts and what heals, and gentle steps toward feeling seen again.

If this resonates, follow the show so you get notified when new episodes drop, share it with someone who might need it, and email me your questions or topics you want me to cover. Your stories help us all find our midlife sparkle.

Transcript

Setting The Stage: Midlife Shift

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Hello and welcome back to Midlife Sparkle. Today I'm going to share with you one of the triggers that I had during my last year, 2025, of depression and burnout. It's a bit of a mix. Now I wanted to do it all patsy perfect way and chronologically, but just like life. Yeah, it wasn't like January, I felt this February, this happened, etc., etc. So today I wanted to talk about my two sons and how they not them as in they hurt me or what have you, but my my my feelings about motherhood with with both of them. So I'm going to start with son number two, because that's that's probably really relatable to a lot of people. So he finished school at the end of 24. So last year was a big year for him. He was 19 or turned 19 in April, but it was the first year for me to not have any school commitments. And even though he got his license in April of 24, and he was driving to school a lot himself, there was still that sort of structure or routine that I had, and that went, which yeah, it made me it didn't give me as much structure or routine, as I just said, that I used to have. And that was all sort of foreign to me. The other thing was he played school football and team out of school sports and things. And all of a sudden, I wasn't going to those games on a Sunday because he wasn't playing. And I didn't have really close friendships with any of the school mums. I'm not I'm not a person that ever liked to connect in the car park and chit-chat or do lunches and things. But those those little things like going to the sports and that and sitting with the mums and connecting, there was a connection there. There was some relatable stuff that we we could resonate with each other with. And that all went as well. And I suppose that also then changed what's my purpose, what cap do I wear now. My identity a bit was changing. So that definitely was a sort of a trigger. I don't even like the word trigger, but in hindsight, that was a contributing factor to what happened to me last year. Now the other boy turned 30, and this is a bit convoluted, so I'll do my best. But he turned 30 in June, and we all went away, peace from my first marriage, too. He had all his mates and family, and we went away to a little place called Pearl Beach. And look, it was a lovely weekend. It was the Queen's birthday weekend. It was so lovely. But, and it might sound just a bit silly, watching him and his friends together, who I hadn't seen in ages, because they've got their own lives now, and none of them sort of, you know, they don't come round to each other's homes or that. A lot of them got have got their own homes or their rent, or they're they're definitely not living at home. And to see them all together and with their partners, some of them with children, it really hit me that wow, he's 30. He's a man. And although he was a man in his 20s, I think there's a really big shift and change from him or your kids being in their 20s to being in their 30s. Even if you know they're not settled in their career or if they're they're not partnered or have kids, it's just this acknowledgement or realization that shit, he's in his 30s, he's a man man now. And that was really hard to get my head around. And on reflection and and and talking it out with someone, with a professional, I came to the realization that was a lot of grief. I was grieving another stage. Sure, as I said, he was in his 20s and he'd moved out about 25. And I think to see them all together, like I've known these little boys since primary school, and they're manmans. I'm so, oh, what is it, articulate. But it was a real grieving process. I think also what happened was I put all the the VHS tapes of his life, I got all put on uh USB, and I took them up and played them. And even creating that that video of him, like him in my belly, I've got video of that, and then the birth and everything. It was just melancholy and memories and and more of a bit of a grief, a life stage, another stage, a moving on, another change. And it was hard. It was really hard. And I'm sensitive too. The other thing that happened, and this is where it does lose its linear chronological order, is Mitch, my first husband was a professional racing car driver. So we tried to get into Formula One and what have you, but back then it really wasn't, it was very hard to get sponsorship because Formula One wasn't really known in Australia. So we stayed in Australia and he drove in, it was called touring cars back then. It was the the the pinnacle of motorsport to be in. And when I had Mitch and I had chronic postnatal depression, I didn't realize it until three months in. And in October of this year, Bathurst, which is like the grand final of motorsport in Australia, kept popping up. I don't know, I wasn't even perhaps it was just subconsciously, but it was up in the paper. I see my ex pop up on television. And it took me back to 1995 when I was in the main street of Bathurst. And Mitch and I, I think I was buying, it was so cold. I was buying him extra layers and I think it was Long Johns for me, or you know, the skiing gear. I think they called them Long Johns even back in '95. And I remember coming out of, it was either, I'm sure it was Grace Brothers, and standing there in the main street of Bathurst with Mitch, who was three months old, and ringing my health care center nurse back here in Melbourne, Victoria, and just sobbing and and crying and not knowing what I'm crying about. And she said to me, never forget it, it sounds to me like you might have postnatal depression. And watching these little snippets of Bathurst and that and Mitch having turned 30 this year, sorry, last year, triggered me. It triggered me. And who I was having my therapy with later in the year last year, we talked about how it was a bit of a trigger for PTSD. And I didn't think, and this is probably me with the big stick, I didn't think, well, I can't, that's not PTSD. You know, I haven't, I haven't, um, it's not that big a deal. There's much worse things that happen to people. And she tried to say to me, look, there's big T and there's little T. There's big traumas and there's there's little traumas. And I know this stuff because I've learnt about it in my coaching courses and what have you, and what I read. But I was really mean to myself to not honor and own that yes, that was traumatic. And having these snippets of Bathurst and and and what come up, even if I didn't realize it consciously, it was triggering me to a trauma that I went through in 1995. And that was also triggering a lot of grief. So I think with my uh depression, again, I'll talk about lots of different uh aspects to why I feel or why I know it bubbled to the surface. But there was definitely a lot of grief in those, those two things. The the trigger, taking me back to 1995 when I was incredibly low and sad with this little baby, and also to the seeing him and his friends and turning 30, and what what a massive turning point that is as a mother, and obviously for himself, but I'm I'm talking from my perspective, and also then with my other son, Maxie, another change, so a lot of change, and with those changes, not really working out or understanding where I fit in now and who I am, so identity and feeling a bit invisible, and what you hear a lot of of women going through in this stage, and a purpose, I suppose, and losing some connections through the the school thing. That is is a bit of a a snippet or what one of the causes or triggers for my depression and possibly my burnout, but I would say these ones with the boys and all my contributed to my depression. I hope I'm trying to keep these really, really short. I've gone 11 minutes. I hope that that may have helped you or interested you, or yeah, might give you some food for thought if you're in a similar situation. And this is really raw, these podcasts. I'm doing them on my own now. It's a it's a little activity for me. I enjoy them and I'm well again. So they're very raw. I don't have a producer or anything like that. I'm not doing any music or ads, anything. It's um, I don't know, it's a passion project. However, if you would like to have me in your ears and you know you want to know when the next episodes come because I don't think I'm going to be patsy perfect with doing consistent every week ones. Maybe I will. Who knows? But I don't want to create that pressure and extra pressure on myself, looking after myself. Download the episodes, press follow so you will get like a notification when my next episode comes up, and share. If you can share them, if you like them, share them with a friend that it might that might help them or resonate with them. Also, please email me. Email me if there's any questions or if there's any topics you'd like me to chat about. I uh yeah, I am here to to have a chat. That's all for now. I hope you have a beautiful day, week, life, world, night, wherever you are. And thank you once again for having me in your ears. Let's get our midlife sparkle on. Bye for now.